James Corden

And I feel delighted about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

I can tell that we are going to be friends. My wife Liza, yeah, love her, I say that.

It's a contractual thing. Oh, but she's very into, like taking care of herself, being healthy, and she sent me to work with this person, she said. I think this person would be good for you, teach you some like good stretches and movements and things like that. Because she's always doing her best to see if she can keep me alive just a little longer.

And but this woman was telling me, Oh, try this deep breathing and exhaling. I said, OK, and she said, When you exhale, make a lot of noise. Because that's have you ever heard that before? First of all, welcome to Conan O'Brien. It's a friend.

Oh, I didn't realize we were doing you just before we started recording, you said, So this is an intro.

Oh, sorry, we're good, keep going. No, no, I want to.

I really want to hear, I want to hear this.

We're fast and loose here. Hey, wow, this is so loose. OK, I'm feeling a little bit of shame because you did say this is an intro and then I just started babbling without formally introducing you.

In your defense, we're doing a bunch of different things right now. Oh no, we only do one at a time, once a week, we don't do a bunch of things in a row. Jam them all together and then leave for the Maldives for like, six months. I can't wait, guys, on our Golden Helicopter.

Oh, I'm already packed, no. But she was teaching me that, you know, you breathe in and then you breathe out and you go.

Why? And that's supposed to be good for you, have you? as anyone heard this before that, it's supposed to be good to make sound, because.

Vibrations and let's all try.

Anyway, I was doing it, I lay on the floor and I was doing it, and it just sounded like I was an impatient asshole. What do you mean? Because that was just, you know, people were. My kids are around and I'm in the corner going.

And then I would notice that, you know, like my daughter would say something like, Oh, and I, you know, I went to this music festival and I really thought the artists were really great.

And.

You know, people were like, Hey, what's your problem? I just sounded like the biggest drag in the world. Did you feel it different? I can kind of see what this woman was talking about, that, it, it.

It does make the exhale a little more powerful, and I could see how it really gets all the carbon dioxide out, I could see a lot of reasoning behind it. I think she's on to something and I bet you that it's a real, you know, popular thought out there.

But more. What I realized is you've got to find a place where no one else is around because people are having conversations. And you know, whatever they're saying, it can. If you're on the floor behind a couch and they can't even see you. And they say things like, You know, I just want you to know. Son, I really, I really love you.

Oh, it's going to be even more weird if you hear it coming from a distant room. Yeah, I know.

You know, well, I think we've made a lot of advance. I mean, we still have a long way to go, but we have made some good advances in civil rights.

What is your fucking problem?

Well, I'm really glad, you know, women didn't use to have the right to vote, and it's good. I mean, think about it, you know, we have come up.

Stupid women, I mean, oh, but that's what it sounds like. Yeah, that's not something I believe I was going to say. I used to walk on my mom's back and she would exhale like that. When I was doing it, I thought I was hurting her because to just like, massage her and stuff.

Did no one else walk on their parents back? Was that just me? Well, I think I would have killed my mother if I walked on her back. You know, I wasn't like a grown adult, I was, you know, a kid, and she'd just be like, Can you walk on my back?

And I'm like, OK, that's right, that's right, no one else, that's right. No, I don't think it's that odd.

I just, I have. I didn't do it to my parents, no. But the sounds that she would make were like those guttural sounds. Yeah, it's great. Well, I, yeah, I think we're also inhibited.

And when I say all of us, I mean just me, but it's a good idea to, it's just that I. It does sound like you're editorializing. When theater school, we used to have to do that stupid thing where you'd go to theater school.

Yeah, I want to. What's theater school, motherfuckers? I have a master of fine arts and theater.

But then it went to. I've got a master's in fine Arts and theater. Hey motherfucker, I got a master's in fine Arts and theater. Because there's no other way to say it without absolute shame and embarrassment. OK, that's a nice. It'd be funny to switch it and say, like, Well, I'd like you to know. I think I'm very qualified to put on Chekhov's production of The Seagull because I got a motherfucking clock switch it around.

Well, we used to have to do this horrible thing where you try to release your jaw and you go.

Do it again. That's how you trick someone into looking like they're giving a blowjob. I love that they gave you a theater exercise, which is take your two hands like this and then go.

And you're like, this is, this is a theater. Yeah, yeah, yeah, keep doing it.

Tell me about some of these other exercises at theater school. Sometimes we'd have to just straight up give a blowjob. Well, that's different. Okay, is your MFA on like notebook paper and it's in sharpie?

Yeah, I went to theater school, where was it? It was in that warehouse. My my diploma's on a napkin that you can only read under blacklight, yeah.

Hey Sona, stop it. I'm just seeing if it works, if it actually loosens your jaw. Maybe we should do more warm ups before we record that. There's now video footage of all three of us doing you specifically.

I mean, in profile, I don't care, you know, hey, hey, we get the clicks.

I don't care how we get the clicks.

And we wanted it to me be. Figure out a pose where I've got, like my mouth open and my hands like this. And we're saying, like, you know, Conan gobbles up the competition in late night. And put it all over New York, right? And make it perfect so that you can't not draw a dick, right?

Yeah, and wait two days and then go around and shoot all of the, you know, we thought that would be like the funniest thing to do, and then we just never did it. I think it's not too late.

Well, this is going to top that. Yeah, yeah, but it's just, you know, whatever, go for it.

What do I care? Am I, am I late? My life is pretty much over. We're both on the other side of things, just go to town.

All right, my guest today hosted The Late Late Show on CBS for eight years. Now. He has a new Sirius XM series called This Life of Mine, available on Channel 109 and on the Sirius XM app.

Very excited he's here today. James Corden, welcome.

Very nice to have you here. And there is. There is so much to talk about because you and I share certain experiences that I can't talk to a lot of people about this.

Without conscience, and we've never been caught.

I've never interviewed anyone. This shouldn't be what's happening. There was this sense of, gee, I haven't done any of the things that you're supposed to have been doing to be a late night host. But I thought I had other qualities that would out in the end, yeah.

And then it turns out that this very strict notion that we have here, I mean, these are really an American invention. These shows, I think, this really strict notion of what a late night host had to be changed a lot.

You shouldn't be reading any of this, no, this is the last so silly to be reading this.

You just have to do it and then increasingly find the things that you love to do. Do those? Keep doubling down on that? And you did that when it was fantastically successful.

And then we were following, like repeats of Hawaii Five-O through the summer, and then where we actually.

And we would just discuss what happened in that episode. And then sometimes because the episode would be from like five years ago. And we'd manage to get, we'd find the guy who played like the guy at the newsstand.

Wait, nobody knows what I can do, nobody knows what I'm capable of, and nobody knows what this show is. Oh wow, all the things that I thought were negatives are just suddenly became positive.

So it's like, Well, it doesn't matter then.

What is it because I've? I remember my moments where I'd say, What is that I want to be doing that?

We were a Salvation Army family, so we used to go to church at the Salvation Army. And which is, you know, a thing in of itself, which we'll unpack another day.

You'd eat that every Sunday until you can't breathe, and then you'll go back at night and do it again. And there's a brass band and all this stuff. It's absolutely absurd. But when you're like eight, it's four, five, six, seven.

Up until I was like 13 14.

I was like, Huh, so when you say weekend, you mean you're not playing like soccer or anything? Nothing, zero.

These magic tricks are performed where a cookie is turned into the body and blood of Christ. And there's, there's incense, and chimes are ringing. And and I, I just assumed that this is what everybody does. And then you realize, Oh, no, yes, there are.

There's a large number of Catholics, but no, not everybody, not everybody's watching this Las Vegas act every week.

And Siegfried and Roy were your pastors, right? Yes, they were, until unfortunately, though. Well, you know, you know what happened. Four years old.

You're doing four years old.

And the Salvation Army officer, who? The vicar or the priest would said, Oh, you know, James, you can't really see. Let's grab him a chair and he got me a chair and I stood on this chair. And then suddenly I could see the congregation of this church, which was probably 17 people, in my head, it was a thousand.

And I looked out and then I just sort of, like, started pulling like a face and gets a little giggle and then do something else and I get going. Then I remember turning around and looking under my legs and they're all cracking up, laughing, and I can remember well. The weirdest thing is, I remember this feeling amazing. And then going back to join the congregation and sitting between my elder sister and my mom.

And you know, I'm back in the sort of the rows of the church and there's someone's back in front of me. And I remember thinking, well, this is boring compared to being up there.

Like, I really, really remember that and then and then we would go to the theater all the time. Like when I was sort of turned 11. I. We didn't have, we weren't, we didn't have much money really, and but so I would.

I never used to get like birthday presents or Christmas presents, I would just get theater tickets and we'd go and see. You know, Starlight Express or or Les Miserables, The Phantom of the opera, you know, any of the big running musicals? And I just remember sitting there, just thinking, Well, this is the most extraordinary feeling. I'm in a room with 2000 people, this is just magic.

This is amazing. How how can I be a part of this? Somehow, in any way, shape or form? This just feels completely right in every way, you know?

And this is a show that you created with a friend of yours.

It's the sitcom that really launched your career. And what always interests me is the impetus. That the the old term for it is moxie, like they would say in the 1930s, that that kids got Moxie. But to create your own show and sort of launch your own career that way is pretty amazing. You made that happen.

And in this play were eight boys, all of a similar age, all in a pretty similar stage in our careers. And I'd been lucky that I'd done a couple of films and I'd done a TV series that my friend Ruth was in. Ruth Jones, who is just a magnificent actress and writer. And we were doing the play, and then when we got to New York, the play was such a smash. That all these boys were like, just like my buddy Dominic, who's like, you know, used to live with, introduced me to my wife. Was just coming in every day with like five movie scripts, and he was like, God, I'm going to read all these before I meet Martin Scorsese at 6 p...m.

Over the road, you know, it was all this. Like, you know, Sam Barnett was like, I've just been to a restaurant with Steven Spielberg, you know, it was all like this. And I remember one day there was a script and it was a hard script.

And it was so amazing about these two, two young British guys, aged sort of late teens, early 20s, who were going traveling around the world. And then they got accused of a murder. And this was like, it was, this was, this was the thing that's going to be huge. And me and my friend Andy and Russell were all being sent the script.

This was actually when we were at the National Theater before we got to New York. And we go down to pick up these scripts. And I'll never forget it that they both had the entire script and I just had two pages. Which was the guy who worked on a newsstand who sold them something on their way to the airport? And I was like, fuck.

And it was like, Really, because I'm fat, right? and you're like, Oh man, I didn't. I never thought about that, I was genuinely like.

I hadn't even considered that, like, I, just the way I looked was going to. Really felt like you didn't fit into a certain mold, that people were going well. We think you're good, but you know, you'll drop off a TV to Hugh Grant in a rom-com.

And I remember being like, Oh, I hadn't.

And I just told her I've been at this wedding and I was like, I had this idea for a story. And she said, Oh, I think we should try and write that. And it was really her perseverance of going, Oh, James, I really think we should write this. And we submitted it to the BBC.

And then, to nobody is more surprised than Ruth and I that. The show launched on a small digital channel called BBC Three. And it had, I think, like four hundred and twenty thousand viewers, which was a respectable number for that channel. And then, by the time, the last episode that we that we put out was at the time the most watched scripted show of the decade in Britain, I think it had like 18 million viewers, I think.

And then it was just kind of a crazy time of where it just was amazing.

I went to audition for a film and I knew this is must be 20 years ago now, if not more, and it definitely more. Actually, because I remember I was about to turn 21 and I got the. They'd sent these sides of the character, and I forget who the character was. And I went in and I read this, read the scene, and the director goes, that was, that was great change, that was really good.

I promise you, these were his actual words. He went seeing you now and meeting you in person. We think there's another part that you're perfect for. Can we give you the script? And you go outside? Take as long as you need and look at these scenes and come back in and read. If you want to come back later in the day, or to take half an hour, whatever you need. But we seeing, you know, in person, we really feel that this is great.

I was like, OK, and then we, we, we just can't find this guy. And just so, you know, we really think it could be. And I'm like, this is how Hollywood, this is how Hollywood is like a train.

And he says, he says he has acne on his face, acne on his face. Hair's growing like his hair is, but his scalp is like his scalp has flaky scalp, all this stuff. And I literally, I remember really going, Mm. hmm, hmm. Ok. And then and now I think, Well, why wouldn't you just go? Hey guys, I'm now I'm good.

But at the time, you're just like, I just need a job, I want to work, so I'm like, OK, I'm going to go. So go back in. And they're like, What do you think?

I was like, I love it.

But the idea that someone would say, Now seeing you in the flesh in this black and white headshot photo, now that I see you, repulsive.

And when you spent the day with McCartney, I was just like, Damn it, why couldn't I have just been in the backseat, listening, you know? Like, why couldn't I have been there? Because that it was just a dream.

Come true.

But if you're driving him around Liverpool, he's going to neurons are going to fire. And he's going to say things that maybe he hasn't said before. And that's the that's the impression I got of that, all of it completely.

I can remember the journey from my house to Richard Shedd's house, to Greg's house, to Andy's house, to school, to the back of Like that. And so when you go home, you are so in, you're so acutely aware of the road you've traveled from it, you can see it. So being there with Paul who, you know, he was kind of reticent to do it.

We're going to go into your house, you know, we are giving this everything, we're going to switch places in, drive my car, we are going to. We will not let this fail, we will not. Even if one of these bits doesn't work, there's going to be three other bits in the segment that will.

And and even on the day, you know, he. He said to me, we were in this hotel and can like hair and makeup and this where we're going to leave from. And microphones and all these things. And he said to me, Um, he said, James, can I? can I speak to you for a minute? and I said, Sure. And we go into this walk-in closet and he shuts the door and I say, Okay, and he goes there.

I don't want to go in my house. Yeah, I said, What do you mean? He said. I don't want to go in, I've never been in.

Whenever I bring people to Liverpool, we just drive up outside and I show them the house and I drive on, he said. I feel a bit weird about it because it's now a National Trust house, so it's all been put, it's all looks the same. And he said, I just don't feel comfortable with it. And I was thinking, Okay, this is. This is quite a big bit that we were going to do. But I just went to him, I said, Paul, there is.

The only point of today is that you and I have a great time, and if we're having a great time, this is going to be great. You shouldn't be worried about anything, but I wouldn't dismiss anything now either. You don't know how we're going to feel. We'll have been in the car for 45 minutes at that point.

So why don't we do this? We'll pull up outside and if you give me a look that says you don't want to go in, we'll just drive on. And I'll take the hit for it, right? I'll, I'll say it was me.

It was my fault, but don't, you shouldn't overthink it in any way. So we're doing, it's all going great, we're having a great time. We're singing the songs and we pull up outside. And, uh, then I was thinking, Oh, shit, I should have said code word.

Because what if he's giving me a look and I don't know what the look is? We never really worked out what it was.

Like going up Penny Lane and going in the barbershop and all those things, you know, when people go, Oh my god. It stopped traffic, but it didn't. Not really traffic standstill, people, just every car around this roundabout, just no one moving. Just there's Paul McCartney on Penny Lane and then going into his, going into that house and all these things. I've just never, ever been so aware of, like, what an absolute privilege a day is to spend a day like this. I've never, I'll never, ever forget it.

It's very interesting, cause I don't know what your experience was, but I can't talk to many people about this. My experience was I was so glad I got to do it. I loved it every second of it, not every second, but I loved a lot of it.

And then, when it was over. There hasn't been a moment where I've thought, Gee, I wish I could be doing that late night show again because I think I get one life. There's so much to try, there's so much to do. Did that, and so you, how do you feel?

Oh, they're still here, they're still, oh yeah, yeah, but they're not smart enough to figure out how to get into this room, okay?

So I'm safe now and I, but I know what you mean.

I don't miss any of the actual doing of the show. I would go so far as they haven't thought about it. Yeah, the thing I think about is the people, yeah.

Like, I remember the the day after the Oscars when the the the Will Smith Chris Rock thing happened. Like. This was a sort of real example of of how our show used to work. Where it was like, okay, everybody's going to be talking about that, everybody's going to be talking about that moment. What's our show's version of that?

How do we do that? And it's ticking down, it's now midday and you're like, Okay, we tape at five, Okay, we're probably just going to do some jokes about it.

And that's we haven't come up with a good idea. And then, you know, one of our writers goes, Uh, I think it was Molly who worked on the show. Just goes, I've got this written down, I don't have any more than this. But um, we don't talk about Jada, cause we don't talk about Bruno was the big song of that year.

We don't talk about Jada and everyone goes, Oh, that's it, okay, great. So now we need to write the song, So Molly, why don't you go with Dave and with, Uh, Lawrence? And then okay?

Right, probably need dancers, but hang on, we need dancers who've been Covid tested. And then someone's like, we've just found out there's a steadicam operator in the building doing a thing for. I don't know whether it was like Dancing with the Stars over. He's Covid tested, he can be here at six, but we'll have to tape it after.

Okay, that's probably a positive. And then it's like, are we going to sing it live? And then that's the thing, that's the stuff.

And then you're kind of feeding it almost live down the line to be on the East Coast at nine 30.

Cause an idea that happened at midday and then you get the thrill of the next day. X amount of million people have watched it on YouTube and you go, huh? That was great and then the absolute horror of going, Oh fuck, what are we going to do tonight?

And also being around so much live music all those years we've.

I thought this was a different environment.

It won't even be for my birthday, yeah, it'll be one I. We find it in a drawer. But that's fascinating to me, that that there are little elements you can miss. But I think, you know when it's time to like, let's let's go and do the next thing.

And I would have thought, Oh, what did you leave for? You got to? You were just reaping the rewards of it, being good, getting good guests, all that stuff. But, uh, I, I really, you know, I really felt like so many things changed from when, you know, when we. When we started the show. It was like Obama was the president, and then there was like, then it was Trump, and then it it just then it felt like it changed.

And somehow, if you didn't do a deeply political monologue, you were somehow complicit with the Trump organization, which I didn't quite understand, not being from here. And then it was Covid. So then, like, you're doing a show in the garage, in your garage. And you're like, you're just trying to keep as many of the team in work as you can. And trying to find, you know, jobs and everything for people and stuff like that. And so I was like, Oh, this isn't I just this, okay?

It's time to, it's time to to to go now, it's time to to move away from from this and again. I will always be dumbfounded that it was something I was able to do, there was something I was even given the opportunity to. I thought it was a stupid thing to give me the job, or mystifying to give me the job. A year in, I was like, Oh, this is was so stupid to some guy from a play.

Like, I didn't do a pilot, I didn't do a test, I didn't do. It was just nuts. Though. I had some days where I thought, Oh, I think they've hired me to end the franchise.

Like we rented furniture, yeah, like we all of our furniture in our first rental, on which me and Conan used to live on the same road.

Cause my kids were. Here's the problem.

Yeah, and it. It ended badly.

Nice thing.

Yeah.

He's such a lovely man.

Yep, so the the so, the waters at your chin and your your feet are just scraping the bottom. And if you, if you feel slightly scared and you you feel out of out of control in it, you're you're probably in about the right place to do something very interesting. And I just used to watch it all the time and go, No, no, I'm. I am too comfortable here. I think if I stay, I, you know, it's not that I'd be miserable.

I didn't think that in any way. I was very happy doing it, I loved doing it, I love doing all the people that I was working with. But I was like, if this, this can't be the last thing I do, it can't be. I have to go and see what. I have to go a little further into the water, I have to go a little further into the woods and see what else is there. Safe in the knowledge that it might be nothing, safe in the knowledge that it might never, ever be as big as this again. Or as, uh, you know, uh, acclaimed or talked about in any of those things.

But like, you know, like, I'm about to do a play at the Old Vic in London for eight weeks. I've never in my life felt more scared, really than what I'm about to do. Like, I played the Old Vic before, I've never played at the Old Vic. But it's because it's a really, really serious play. It's a really. It's called the constituent. And I and I can't, and I'm never been more I. When I say I've never been more scared, what I mean is I am. I have woken up in the night, I think for the last two weeks. Terrified by the notion that I will forget the words. Because I've just never, ever done anything like this before. But that's the reason to do it.

I got to make sure I mention, Uh, you first of all, welcome, I welcome you to SiriusXm. you're here, but, uh? But I've really enjoyed having a channel on on SiriusXM. It has been so much fun and I'm constantly meeting people that, you know, I tell me that. They rented a car, they turned the car on, they heard my voice, and they, they started laughing. Uh, I've had a terrific experience with it. But you have a show called This Life of Mine with James Corden on Channel 109 and, of course, the SiriusXM app.

I mean, you get fantastic guests, um, and you know, we're lucky we get, we get good guests, you know? Occasionally we'll have someone on and, uh, I'm not having it. And I just I eject them and it never airs. Um, usually, you give me a signal, don't you, Matt, right? Um, you're safe.

You're just made it. You were about to go, but uh, no, you get terrific guests and you're doing this show for serious. What is it about it that gives you the high when you're talking to these people?

Dre talking about. We asked him for a favorite song that he'd worked on, a song that he hadn't. And I was, like, intrigued as to what he would say. His favorite song is that he?

I know where it should be and what it should sound like, and he said, And for that reason, it's that song. Or, you know, David Beckham's memory was the moment that he got told that Lionel Messi was signing for Inter Miami. And he was in Japan. And he woke up in the middle of the night, looked at his phone and it was happening. And he couldn't, he said. He couldn't sit down, He couldn't, he couldn't believe it.

He just burst into tears because he just thought it was such a far flung dream of his. Or, you know, Tom Ford, you know, Tom Ford's memory was, uh, the the passing of his partner, Richard. And he tells this story about being in the house that day. And you're like, God, well, I've never heard these people talk like this. So it's I've really, really enjoyed. I've really enjoyed just talking to people about things that they love.

And it's great because it's alive and there's people there and there's noise and cheering, and it's atmosphere and it's great. But you're never really going to be able to, and people don't really want to open up in that way. When there's 200 people watching and cameramen and and and all those things, it's just. It's a completely different thing. But I think I'm pleased to have done it this way around. I wouldn't want to do this and then be like, Oh, now you're going to do a TV show and you'd be like, Hang on, what? Seven minutes and then we'll be right back.

And also the pressure, I don't know if you used to feel this, the pressure of knowing that you're, that you're getting close to that time and thinking, well, I have to go out on a laugh somehow. So then you can't find one, and then you're sort of digging around for what it could be. And you, you know, that I used to find that used to give me panic attacks.

We're not topping it. I'll be in the car and, uh, I go out the window if I have to.

So I just find myself sort of in the middle. And I was so grateful that you were there because I was like, Okay, kind of, this is fine. So we're in them, we're all just chatting. And then Larry David said to me, This is how in awe of Larry David I am.

He goes, Do you play golf? I said, I play as I'm not very good, I don't have the chance to play enough to get good at it. He goes, I'll play with you. Do you want to play Saturday?

And in my body, I'm thinking, I'm thinking, fucking hell. I just Larry Davis just said, Do you want to play golf? And I said. And I just looked at him and I went, I can't do it, Larry. And he was like, Why? And I said, Because I know I'm not good enough to play with you and you'll be really pissed off.

I said, you will hit the ball straight down the fairway, cause you play like three times a week or whatever. I will then hit the ball and I will spend the next 10 minutes looking for a ball.

I will catch, I will then hit the ball four times to catch up with you. I said, by whole five, you'd be like, why did I invite this fucking idiot to play golf? So he's like, and he, he went. I really, I really appreciate that, but there was a moment later on and he killed me. Where we go into this?

We're all watching a movie and we go into this movie room and, uh, me and my wife, we, uh, we did. We had a new babysitter, we didn't have a nanny at the time, we had this new babysitter. And we told her that we'd be back by around 10, 30, it's now like nine, 45 and we're going to watch a movie, so we said, let's sit here.

Cause we're not going to be able to watch the whole thing and we can just leave halfway through. So Larry comes over and goes, Uh, James, that's where Tom and Rita like to sit, just so, you know, they like, that's their seats.

And he still was very, you know, gave us this lovely words about the movie about to watch. And just as the lights are going down, I hear James and I look around, and Larry David is lay completely across the couch.

He did this to me, a party at my house. He just breaks into this group I'm talking to because he says, Hey, don't you guys hate it? When someone breaks into a group of people and starts talking? But they, they kind of interrupt the flow of the conversation, you know what I mean?

They've been over at the and it's like from the show, he'd do that on the show, and, uh, it's fantastic. And I'm looking around, like, where are the HBO cameras capturing that?

He goes, and that was the perfect stop and chat, the perfect stop and chat.

All right, I'm going to let you go. We have kept you far longer than I was supposed to. But uh, so cool having you on the show. I know you're really busy. You're going to kill it, uh, at the old Vic, despite your fears and your dreams.

And, uh, check out This Life of Mine on Channel One, Oh Nine on the Serious XM app. And James. Go in peace to love and serve the Lord, okay?

You're giving the people at football games are actually praising.

Are you sad? You can't twerk like I spice? I can't twerk. I honestly. Should we talk about twerking? Well, I think we've just begun.

Were you recording? Yeah, you can't start, so so no, what's up, we've already started.

She just threw down the gauntlet that you can't twerk like. I spent wait, so wait, what? Oh, you're going to, you're going to edit, you're going to edit, got it?

So funny, no, but I don't know. You can just start with, you're just mad that you can't work. Very honest, yeah.

Confusion? We'll use this as a segment. Okay, go ahead, yeah.

Are you sad? You can't twerk like I spice, you know? It's interesting. Um, I was looking through my newsfeed, I always like to check out the music section, and it was talking about the BET Awards.

And so I went in and was checking out. I just like to know what's going on. I'm a curious person. This led to, Uh, me watching a video of Ice Spice twerking, and I realized, like, I just, I cannot. There's nothing back there for me.

Could you? Could you try for us? Could we? No, no, no, no, that's you know what. I know what you're, I see what you're doing, but no, I'm not going to shake my. I'm. I'm a 79 year old.

Uh, Korean war veteran who served this country honorably, and for you to say, Hey, Conan, get up and twerk, uh, in front of a camera. No, that's not going to happen. My defense, though, that was 50, 50..

I mean, he, he could have, yeah, he might, and I still might. I still might. But what I'm saying is, okay, explain to me. Twerking. It's when, uh, you know, you could clap those cheeks together. I honestly don't even know how they're doing that.

I don't know what's happening to me. It's it's like the buttocks are separate entities, they move separately from the main skeletal structure. Yeah, that's what's happening in twerking.

I, Uh, I'm like, great, I'm all for it. Um, my ass is not a separate entity for me. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, do you know what I mean? Yeah, it's, it's basically all I have is a pelvis, there's, there's nothing else.

That's okay, it's okay, no, but what could I do? could I learn it? or what I have to have? I don't think you could learn it.

It's something it's not in you. twerking is not in you, it's you're just never, ever going to twerk in your life.

Guess what, that's a terrible thing to say to me. Oh, you just laid down. That's a terrible thing to say to me. Oh, now, I mean, first of all, that's, that's rude.

Okay, that's very rude and probably the meanest thing anyone's ever said to me, and I've had some pretty mean things said to me. But to even put it out there in the environment that I can't twerk, I think it's offensive. You're a twerkist.

Yeah, you're a twerkist behavior it is, it's twerkism. can you twerk?

You know what it is, it's twerkism, and it's worse. Oh, he's all the time he's out in front of his, uh, beautiful, beautiful one-story craftsman.

That's gorgeously maintained, manicured lawn twerking. I've seen him out, yeah, and neighbors think he's having an epileptic fit. They call it twerk manner.

Yeah, he's at twerk manner, and he's twerking. And his neighbors, who are all, you know, they all voted for Reagan and Nixon. They're all like, Oh, in the last election, in the last election, that's how out of it they are. They call the Uh, they call an ambulance, and a 1950s ambulance shows up and they run out with defibrillators and put them on his ass.

Yeah, and I see him lay off, I'm twerking nine to five, yeah.

I'm twerking to what song to nine to five by Dolly Parton. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, oh man, you couple twerkers. what a couple twerkers you are.

I twerked to King of the Road trailer for Sailor. Rent rooms to rent for 50 cents. A jug, a jug, a jug, a jug. No phone, no food, no pets, ain't got, no cigarettes.

Hey, someone's shaking their a skeleton over there, is shaking its pelvis, but there's no articulated movement. So you're saying things would have to be added to my ass for me to twerk? I think it is. Also, it's a lot more than just the ass, it's your hips and it's the legs.

I don't know what's happening, but I saw ice spice, uh, twerking and um, and I just thought like, Well, God bless her. Uh, I don't. I would need several operations, a host of operations. Can you twerk? I cannot twerk? You've tried?

I have tried, Okay, wait a minute.

Is that like a I don't know party with friends? And I tried to twerk and it was awful. We were, I don't know. I was probably a little drunk, and then we were all just trying to twerk. You didn't need to say you were. Is it like a country where there's a line dance, like people get in the line and start twerking, or they go into circle one at a time?

Yeah, and then they, Oh, yeah, footloose circle twerk, it's a circle twerk.

Making something that's like, kind of new and hip, so dorky. No, no, what I'm saying is, is it people clapping and then someone comes to the center and they start twerking?

No, no one comes into the center. It's not like the twist, you're not, it's not. people doing the twist don't act like the twist is an outdated thing.

It's not the Watusi guys. Well, there's not like a square dance caller that grab your partner and swing around, twerk the jerk all through the town. Let those buttocks go up high, let those buttocks flee and fly, that's sexy.

It's not sexy just cause you say it. Why do I have an erection? It's the opposite of sexy, cause you're saying it's sexy.

You're unsexifying it, the two of you are making twerking not sexy because, but we cancel that out and make it sexy. We're both. That's not how it works.

Undulate and let it flow. Twerking is the way to go.

Button up your overcoat when the wind blows free. Take good care of yourself and please twerk for me. Odie Odio. Put your bottom in the sky, just wiggle left and right.

Just a little bit longer.

Twerk to the left and then twerk to the right. Odie Odio.

Well, I want to, you're going to twerk one day, you're going to, we're going to see it. Oh, I am, yeah, what?

And guess what, that sounded like a decree, and guess what, there's, and guess what, there's no law.

Trust me, I looked into it and I'm pretty sure there's no lawsuit in your old, your old boss saying you're going to twerk for me.

Hey assistant, you'll twerk for me, or you'll know why. What you know, the good thing is, there's no record of this transgression.

You'll twerk for me, you'll twerk, oh you will, oh, God's my witness.

Oh, please make this segment stop.

Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

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