Scurvy Rag Doll

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Hi, Kevin.

Welcome to this.

What's up guys? So nice to meet you Conan Matt Sona.

Very nice to meet you, Kevin, and tell us your background's all blurry and your camera. I don't even want to know what's going on back there. Caleb, he's coming through in very vibrant colors.

Yeah, it's very vibrant.

It's Kevin.

You called him Caleb.

Oh, I'm sorry Kevin. I apologize. I'm thinking of this. I dated an old whaling captain in high school, and you remind me of him. I'm sorry Kevin.

I'm from Dallas, the FW area.

Ah, Dallas, Texas. Yes, Sir Dallas-fort worth.

Specifically, I'm in Royce City, I'm about 40 minutes east of Dallas, but I grew up in Dallas.

Okay, well, I'm not planning an attack, so let's just say Dallas.

You want my address or no?

Yeah, I'm not trying to program a missile.

Yeah, so obviously my name is Kevin, not Caleb, 29 years old.

But again, you remind me of an old whaling captain.

First time I heard that, No, but yeah, my name is Kevin, I'm 29 years old, I'm a real estate agent in Dallas.

Okay, I'm not a police officer. That just pulled you over.

Yes.

That's a good age. And how did you meet your wife? How did you guys hook up?

I met her through mutual friends, through the social media. I saw her one time on my feed, followed her, she did not follow back. I unfollowed her. Saw her again a few months later, and I was like, You're that girl that didn't follow back.

Yeah, I wouldn't say it's history. I mean, we'll see, that's really making a huge claim, but we'll see.

And then she started following you.

Yeah, yeah, just to get my information for the police.

Correct, I know you have a joke where I believe you said you didn't want your kids to know exactly what you did. And I think you said that you wanted them to think you were a successful realtor. I don't know if that was a joke of yours or not, but I thought that was hilarious because I could relate.

Yeah, I just chose a profession because I thought, well, when my kids were young. I didn't want them to know I was in show business because I thought I wanted them to respect their father. So yeah, but I have respect for realtors.

It's not the easiest thing in the world. Obviously, there's a lot that we do and a lot of stuff that people don't see that we do. A lot of people just see that. We post, you know, our closing pictures that we got paid, but they don't see how complicated a specific deal was or wasn't, obviously.

Well, I watch selling the OC and also selling Sunset, so I know how much hair and makeup you guys have to go into. That's why I don't watch those shows. You have to work for those annoying little twins, and I just know how hard it is.

Right, right, right.

No, but how's the market these days in Dallas?

So obviously the interest rates really suck right now. I think if you have a very good credit score, you're still getting a 7 to 7.5 rate, which is not very good. But again, you're missing context, right? I believe back in the 80s, I wasn't born, obviously.

So people are still buying and selling. If you live in Texas, are you legally required to say the great State of Texas? Because I'm from Massachusetts and no one ever fucking said, Well, we're from the great state of Massachusetts. The comb of the cod and the bean.

You know, funny thing is that I was born in California, in Pasadena specifically.

Yeah.

One of the Dinas, right, Sona and Matt.

Dina Dina Yeah, that's exciting.

That's where I was born.

Okay, so you were born there, but then you went to the Great State of Texas.

The Great State of Texas when I was two, because again, it was just more affordable for my family. So I'm a Texan. My joke is that I drive a truck, not a Tesla, and I just love being here.

Yeah, well, I got no beef with Texas. I've enjoyed—well, I think I've been to—.I've done shows, I've done shows in in Dallas, in Dallas.

Yeah, so I was expecting you to ask me this question. So I pulled up the actual wording just so I don't mess it up, okay, but the wording is.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I literally live—on my street was a murder house, but I think it was a manslaughter house. Do you have to disclose that?

Did you find out through the neighbors, or through what's called a sonner's disclosure?

I did the manslaughter.

Yeah, he was the one that committed—he committed the crime.

Okay, he just you don't have to disclose that anymore, Matt, keep that to yourself.

No, I found out through neighbors that that was the case. And it was very much like that documentary, The Staircase. Have you guys seen that? Yes, yeah, it's similar.

But see, okay, this brings up an interesting question. So suicide? I mean, it's creepy. But I guess you don't have to report it when you say a death that was not related to the condition of the house. So if someone slipped on a defective stair and fell down, do you have to report that?

Yes, or if a piece of sheetrock falls from the ceiling and it hits your head and it kills you, it's a defect of the house, therefore you have to disclose it.

But then, like, when you say disclose it, is it like, you know? When a prostitute asks you if you're a cop and you can't say you're not a cop? Like, do you have to wait for them to ask you if someone was murdered?

Or do you go right up front and you're like, Eh, someone was murdered? Can I say something? No prostitute has ever asked me if I'm a cop.

That's a TV thing, that's why.

Yeah, is it not true? It's not a real thing. Every prostitute that I've dealt with, and I'm not, I'm going to say sex worker, because I think that's the better term.

Okay.

Sorry.

Oh, I didn't know you were so progressive.

Well, I am okay. It's a profession, and the oldest profession, yeah.

You reek of cop, you do yeah, yeah.

No, they always just say, Oh, you look like that guy on TV, the real needy guy. Oh yeah.

And then I say, Hey, what's up?

Are we going to do this deal or not? And then I start crying and then they just walk away.

No, Sona, to answer your question. My rule of thumb is disclose everything, worry about nothing, because you can get sued in real estate, obviously. So my thing is what's happened, go ahead and just disclose it if we're required to.

Have you ever sold a murder house?

No, I have not, however, I did in my opinion. I hosted an open house that was haunted, and let me explain I walked into the house. It was a very nice neighborhood.

Something felt off.

Very off. It was a little chilly, too. I don't know if the AC was on blast, I don't remember, but the point is I showed up. I started turning on all the lights and this specific house had an upstairs game room.

This sounds like a sitcom plot where the kids don't want to sell the house or they're trying to make it seem haunted, yeah.

Or a horror movie where that doll comes to life, exactly, I think it's the latter. I think you wouldn't have felt those vibes. if it was a rom-com or a sitcom, you wouldn't have felt those vibes.

Yes, it's that doll, I'm telling you, it was a creepy doll.

Did you notice that when you came downstairs and you went to the kitchen, the doll was there too?

Oh, no, did you notice that I was making you breakfast?

When I went back upstairs, it wasn't there anymore. No, I'm just kidding, yeah, but it was pretty creepy.

I'm not going to finish that question.

It's a sex ragdoll.

Yeah, okay, all right. yeah, I started it, and then I stopped it, yeah.

The sex ragdoll has to ask you if you're a cop, okay, hey, before we get started, you a cop.

Yes, I am, and this is not illegal, so let's do this, okay.

Second, do you mind washing me? I need about three go-arounds in the washing machine because you're the ninth guy here today. Well, I'm sorry I've dealt with sex ragdolls, it's a mess.

Where'd you find them? It's just not...

There's a reason they use plastics. Fucking yarn. It's a mess. It's erotic at first, and then you're like, Oh my God, how are we cleaning this up?

Is the yarn?

Oh, shut up, that's gross.

You mean, like, crusted, solid?

No, no, no.

Can I say something? Yeah, I thought I took it right up to the appropriate place and then you turned it into something disgusting.

Yeah, and just a second ago, it was like, I'm not going to say ragdoll, but then you come into that, it's just ossified with jizz.

Okay, let's take it easy. I was not expecting this conversation to go here. Well, anyway, I think you were right getting out of that house before your passions overcame you. That's why I would have laughed, I would have been like, I got to get out of here before. I mean, because, man, nothing gets me going like a five foot two ragdoll.

I love that it's not quite tall, but it's not like baby size.

It's a shorter person.

Yeah, it's a ragdoll.

Why was it bigger than two feet, I don't understand.

Yeah, it's a ragdoll that, you know, didn't get enough milk, not enough nutrition, and then two packs a day.

It's just like a scurvy child from the 1700s.

My old scurvy ragdoll, Oh man, that gets me going. I'm so hot and bothered right now, so where is this doll now? No, no, no.

I'm writing down Scurvy Ragdoll is the title of this episode.

I can probably hunt down the sellers, even though that was about four years ago.

Yeah, just say I'll pay any price.

Say Conan O'Brien demands that Ragdoll.

Must have it, he jealously wants it. So you mentioned your wife, What does your wife do?

She used to work in the dental office, but now she has quit and she's pursuing her dreams to be a content creator on social media. So I guess she's unemployed, but self-employed, she's doing that, and she's also a makeup artist.

What aspect is she working on, like, what's her specialty?

I would say, maybe I'm not saying the correct term, but in the beauty field. So she'll post stuff about, I don't know, some new hair product, she'll record a video, post it. And obviously, you know, different brands see, and they begin sending her products to obviously do all that.

If you do it right, it's apparently quite lucrative. Works out well.

Yeah, absolutely, that's what she does.

And you say, kids, maybe kids in the future.

Yeah, so again, I'm about to be 30 and my wife's also going to be 30, even though she's about six months younger. But you know, time's ticking and I think more than anything....

Yeah, wow, well, no more than anything. My parents are getting old.

I just had a child.

Yeah, you're like a newborn and you're talking to a skeleton they just found.

I'm not offended, I'm just telling you, you're right.

You're a child.

Do it now.

I'm exhausted.

Do it while you have the energy.

I can wait, but my parents are getting old and it's like, I want my parents to still play with my kids. Of course, so that's what I meant by time is ticking.

Well, I know, just the baby gift to send you when that time comes.

So now you need my address.

Scurvy ragdoll headed your way.

That'll get us going.

Scurvy Ragdoll.

Wait till I tell my wife after we hang up on this call.

I just want to do the commercial for Scurvy ragdoll, Scurvy ragdoll, get yours today.

Starved of oranges and sexual attention for six months at a time.

This dog will go mad on you.

I'm here for the show.

Do you have a question for me that I can answer?

Yeah, I do, actually. So obviously, as a realtor, you have to host open houses and different people do different things. Some have cookies for, you know, guests and whatnot. But if you were a real estate agent, what would you do at your open house in order to bring in potential clients?

I think saying a celebrity is going to be there.

I thought you were the celebrity.

No, I would do it, I just don't know that that would be a big enough draw.

Could it be like a casino? So like, like Matchbox 20 would just be playing?

I'd say, you know, it's a wonderful, it's a. it's a. it's a.

I love Matchbox 20.

Yeah, who doesn't? yeah. Sunken living room, three bedroom, four bath and Matchbox 20 will be playing for two hours. No, make it four hours, they'll do as they're told, you know, and then.

But the open house is only two hours, so for two hours, they're just playing for you.

You know, they're getting, they're tuning up.

What if nobody shows up?

What do you? Oh, you don't think anyone's going to show up when I tell them that Cliff Clavin from Cheers is there, I don't think so that. Oh yeah.

Sounds like it'll be a successful and you know what, I'm going to take notes right now.

Yeah, if you want my help booking it, I'll do it, I'll get you the same person. Paula Davis, who books the podcast, I'll have her book your open houses once. She tells celebrities that they have to be at a ranch style home in the Fort Worth area for four hours, while Matchbox 20 plays in the background.

Thank God, there's a house I'm selling at the moment, I can't sell it.

Well, when you just leave it up to me. And Matchbox 20 and John Ratzenberger, who played Cliff Clavin on, cheers. All right. Well, it was very nice talking to you Kevin, and I wish you all the best. You seem like a nice guy.

Thanks guys, you guys have a great day.

See you.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien. Sona Movsesian and Matt Gourley Produced by Me Matt Gourley executive produced by Adam Sachs. Nick Liao and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes.