#664 - KAM PATTERSON + WILLIAM MONTGOMERY + CASEY ROCKET

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Coming to You live from the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Give it Up for Tony Hinchcliffe.

Who's ready for the best fucking evening of their lives, huh?

Here we go, you made it indeed. So the number one live podcast in the world make some noise for Brian Red Band ladies and gentlemen.

Brought to you by Game Time, Liquid, Death, Connect, Mobile Health. A bunch of great sponsors, amazing stuff. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, huh? My goodness, gracious. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrande, Michael Gonzalez, the great and powerful mutilator, Matt Mueling on the electric guitar.

Carter Arrington joining on a very special electric guitar and, of course, the great and powerful D madness here on the bass.

A lot of fun stuff coming right up before we start. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas, is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx..com for tickets.

You guys ready to start tonight's show?

How many of you watch every episode, every fucking week? Well, you're in for a treat. This is a very, very, very special episode. We've done this before, but not with exactly these three human beings, because everything has changed, everything has evolved.

I present to you a bucket bizarre episode where we will get many bucket pulls out more than normal. Because your three guests tonight are the three regulars of Kill Tony. Hear the entire episode. I present William Montgomery, Cam Patterson and Casey Rogers. Oh, shit.

Yeah, the boys are sweet sweet boys William Montgomery, Cam Patterson and the one and Only Casey Motherfucking Rogers. Nobody knows the show better than these three gentlemen. William Hall of Famer, record holder for most appearances on the show in the show's history. How are you doing tonight, my sweet William?

Tony I didn't know if we were allowed to touch the microphones yet.

No, I'm doing good. I was in St. Louis this past weekend and it took me 15 hours to get back yesterday. And I took an airplane. I didn't even drive, it was 15 hours.

You had Layovers, Layover City yesterday, you took the cheapest flight you could find, didn't you? Yes, very thrifty man William is.

A little behind the scenes information for you.

15 hours worth of layovers, that's like a two and a half hour direct flight.

How much did you pay for your ticket? I think I paid like $100 or something, so it was very cheap.

So you saved about $5 an hour from buying the direct flight, that's good international superstar, saving about $75 in sacrifice of 10 hours. That's absolutely incredible. The great and powerful Cam Patterson is here, ladies and gentlemen.

The man, the myth, the legend, always rocking a brand new white t-shirt. Life is Good, Cam, How you feeling good? I'm happy to be back on the panel.

I'm excited, absolutely, always fun, we always have fun together. And his first time on panel, ladies and gentlemen, crazy to see him sitting still.

This is the one and only Casey rocket, everybody.

There he is, live in the flesh, there he is. That's the guy I know, very uncomfortable. It'll be fun.

It'll be okay, right? Cam? Okay, we're good, I love it. Sitting still is the equivalent to, like, a bad mushroom trip for Casey.

We're going to be okay, right? I can do this, It's okay, we're going to have fun tonight. You guys know how the show works.

An entire giant bucket of comedians have signed up for tonight's festivities. I pre-pull one of these names and they go wrangle them from the bar across the street, and that's that. The rest is history. You guys ready to start tonight's show?

Oh yeah, how could I forget I've been doing this 11 and a half years? Jesus Christ, they get 60 seconds.

You know, their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten, they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry Hollywood bear.

Who's ready to start tonight's show?

Getting tonight's show started America's favorite uncle, you know him, you love him. Make some noise for David. Jolly ladies and gentlemen.

How y'all doing tonight, white people in Puerto Rico?

Hell yeah, today's my birthday, I just turned 43. Hell yeah, I realize we get generation Z, like a lot of shit.

You know what I mean, because y'all was raised on the internet and stuff, we didn't have the internet growing up. You know, who raised us? It was PBS.

And we ain't have no business watching that shit either. Remember the Magic School bus? Everybody on that bitch was on acid, that bitch made frizzle one number. The goddamn hippie man. I bet that bitch had a bush on that beaver.

Bush and Beaver bitch, she ain't. Teach them kids nothing, I ain't see, no syllabus, no notebook, no, nothing. All they doing is flying in and out of frogs assholes all damn day.

So freak your ass out of here, Ms. Frizzle.

Then they gave us the gay agenda, nothing against gay people, but we were too young to know about gay people at that age. Remember the first gay couple on PBS, Bert and Ernie? Them Niggas, was homosexuals?

The real kind, too, with the dick in the booty, you know what I mean? the real fucking kind. I remember one episode they had Ernie on there, right? he got a rubber ducky.

He just having a good old time, he go bert, freak ass and bust in the bathroom. Hey Ernie, hey hey, how you doing there, big boy? You got a lot of muscles on you, don't you?

Yeah, need a little help with that lower back. Then they cut the commercial. All you hear is, Yeah, yeah, you little twink bitch. Yeah, all right, I'm sorry.

Thank you, apologizing to the streets of Sesame. David Jolly. With a brand new minute and a half to get it started, we sent the bear away. We wanted to hear where you were going with this Bert and Ernie gay joke.

Absolutely fun, incredible stuff. Thank you David. How do you feel? Shit, I feel good.

It's really your birthday, it's your 43rd birthday right now. Oh yeah, my bad, I forgot about the microphone you're on the show.

I forgot about that part. Someone's back on crack again. You got to love to see it. Get your ass out of here, man, you are that bullshit, Tony.

You are the oldest looking 43 year old I've ever seen in my entire life. Just to let you know, Hey, you only got six months, motherfucker, you better get that Botox two months before I'm 40, not 43..

No, I'm just saying, but you know, y'all, white people's skin be horrible as hell. You got about three more years, you look 75. David shut the fuck up. No, I don't.

No the fuck I don't. you look like David Jolly's grandfather. Hey white lady, I look pretty good. don't I? I bet you I can fuck one of you white women out here? Oh my god.

Shit, I might fuck one of them. It's my birthday too. Oh my, I'm doing that shit for Martin Luther King, Motherfucker Cam Patterson.

That shit with Malcolm X, you know what I mean, what? We should find one for him to fuck. Nah, man, no, I don't need no help.

He'll find his own, I might have to rent one.

Shit, get real out here, bitch. It's my birthday. Oh, Ok.

Thank you, red Jesus Christ, the old, demented birthday song, Where did you find that? The creepiest soundboard I've ever?

What is that happy Birthday Jesus Christ?

There's some slow kids singing that motherfucker.

Slow as hell, with helmets on. How have you been? How have you been celebrating so far? Shit, I just got off a plane, you know, I'm just chilling.

You know, we hanging out, man, we had the greatest comic club in the world. You know shit, that's enough, celebration enough. you know shit, we hanging out.

Hell yeah, that's it, you know, the usual, probably do some jokes, send a little boy tonight, you know how it rolls.

I love the green shirt. Were you playing at the Masters? Nah, it's a nice shirt, ain't it? I got it from Antarctica out there.

The shirt says you were playing the masters, the face says you have a master.

That was good, that was good, that was good, slave face, that was good.

All right, that's going to be edited out, for sure. He's laughing, It's his birthday. Yeah, it's a joke.

It's a joke, man, it's a joke. Never called anybody slave face before. But I'm feeling a little comfortable tonight. It was good, it was all right.

That was a good one. I ain't have a comeback because I'm high as hell, you know what I mean, so that's why I don't have a comeback. I'd be like, Fuck you Tony, I don't have no comeback.

I'm higher than a motherfucker, you're doing just good. what are you? high on marijuana? Okay, good.

Yeah, I don't drink no more, right? yeah, how did you replace your drinking?

With sweets, with a whole lot of sugar, I'm pretty sure I got diabetes now, I be eating like a fucking pint of ice cream a night.

I just get like the shakes, I be down there at sunset, I be in the green room with all kind of shit, fucking chocolate, all on my face. Well, yeah.

Red Bands Comedy Club probably has a lot of sweets there, I'm guessing, a lot of chocolates, yeah, and you're also, which is crazy, because you're made of chocolate.

Is that correct? Yeah, yep, yep, chocolate.

Hershey's Dog Chocolate, that's right, none of that white chocolate shit. I ain't racist, I'm just saying.

No offense, white people, you know, that shit sounded racist. You got to watch yourself. I ain't trying to get counsel, you know, you guys all know David.

You guys like his set tonight, what do we think? Anything crazy? I thought it was great.

Thank you man. appreciate that Casey. good to see you. I did want to say a lot has happened since then, but you were talking about Miss Frizzle's bush, yeah.

That bitch got a bush, man. I'm telling you she look like her hygiene ain't really up to date. You know what I mean, yeah?

She's nasty. what is it? because she has red hair? David? What are you trying to say? I mean, seriously?

Immediately I'm thinking, Miss Frizzle has red hair. is that what it is? No, I mean, it's just that dress she wear every fucking episode, you know what I mean?

So it ain't no way she put no water on that goddamn krabby patty down there. You know what I mean, what's wrong with wearing the same clothes, nigga? What's wrong with wearing the same clothes every day?

Hey man, you all right man.

I ain't got nothing to say about that. I just seen you wash them pants, though, you know what I mean, I ain't never seen that bitch put nothing in the washer. They just flying out of fucking frozen assholes all damn day.

You know what I mean?

Absolutely, hey, you had some real racist shit to say right here. It was a good one. You should have. Let it go, baby, go ahead.

What are you talking about? How do you know what I have in my head? I was looking in your eyes, You're so high, you think you know what I'm going to say, all right?

I'm sorry Tony, I apologize my bad. it's okay William. Anything for David Jolly?

I mean, if you want to see what her pubes look like, I could show you after this show. I could stick my penis in between my legs, and it looks like a red dick girl's pussy.

Damn, I love you, David. Way to get the show started with a bang. Thank you so much. appreciate it. happy birthday.

Weiss or Remy Sweiss even perhaps make some noise for Remy.

60 seconds uninterrupted for Remy Sweiss Mothership, What up, Hell yeah? Recently became a sugar daddy.

Oh, it's not because I'm rich, it's because I'm pre-diabetic and my nuts come out honey roasted.

Yeah, my name is Wilford Brimley, and I got jizzabatus, I got that hyperglycemia.

Started dating a furry recently. Can you believe this chick? Anybody guess what kind of animals she'd like to dress up as just?

Guess great, guess no, great, guess no.

A possum, she wants to dress up like a possum. Yeah, sex is terrible. Every time I want to bang, she just lays on the ground and plays dead cunt.

Can you believe that, dang?

Stopped listening to women two weeks ago. I'm done, yeah. Everything they say could be argued as misinformation.

Yeah, right, how come? Every time you put mis in front of something, it fucks it up completely?

Misinformation, miscalculation. Right now, you can't say Mister, because every time you do that, it makes things cooler, like Mister information, Mister calculation. My name's Remy Swice. Appreciate it.

Okay, Remy swice. Right in the nick of time, I could hear the bear inhaling to roar there Remy, welcome to the show. thanks for having me.

You know who else plays dead the audience during your set?

Welcome to the show, You giant sperm, look at you. Oh, you like that. This is incredible. How long you been doing stand-up, Remy?

First time I did open mic was 2006.

Okay, and then what happened? You stopped until just now, hopefully just recently. Yeah, got back into it a couple years ago and decided to move down here and see what happens. Okay, where'd you move from?

Oklahoma City Thank you for asking, you're welcome for asking, you're not going to need to do that after every question I ask you.

So you made the big move to do stand-up, you moved to Austin for stand-up comedy, correct? Sir? Okay, I love it. What do you do for a living?

How do you make money? Well, I got a job at Tesla right now, but I was in the weed business for about five years before I came down here. Well, you just lost your job at Tesla. What do you mean? Elon's cool?

He's all about free speech. I know I'm just kidding, I'm just joking, but the weed thing was something else.

What did you do in the weed business?

Mostly business-to-business sales. But I got to work in a laboratory and make a bunch of stuff, okay, like edibles and weed pens and all kinds of stuff like that. Wow, a laboratory.

Look at you, you went from breaking bad to making bad jokes.

Science Bitch.

Okay, all right, Remy. Very, very interesting stuff. What do you do for fun?

Tell us more about you. I like to drive, believe it or not, I love racing and stuff like that. So if anybody with some fast-ass cars that need to be pushed to the limit, I'd be more than happy to give it a go. Yeah.

I would totally love for you to drive my super-fast car. There's nobody I would trust more than somebody who's making Wilford Brimley references in 2024..

Cam Patterson Who is that? yeah?

He literally hasn't done anything since you've been out of the womb. But he used to do diabetes commercials. And what was he like? The quaker oatmeal guy or something, yeah.

It was all about oatmeal Matt Mueling, our senior oatmeal correspondent, knows all about oatmeal.

I am interested in you. What else? what are we missing here other than fast cars? Remy, What else? What's something that's kind of like a guilty pleasure?

I'll leave that to your imagination. No, no, you won't, you're on the show, you signed up.

I like to stay busy, I like to make people laugh, I like to drive a bunch, I like to travel, I mean, learn languages.

How about that? What kind of languages do you know? Well, I speak English, Arabic and Spanish, and I know how to say thank you in, like, 12 other languages. Wow, yeah.

Hello, this and that, that's fucking impressive.

Only thank you Nigga, that's it. You don't need much, okay? Maybe it is impressive.

Fuck y'all okay?

Casey, What do you think about this? Can you do it? Do it with the 12 ones? yeah.

12 Okay.

No, no, no, allow me, allow me, I got to start, I got to start.

All right, French is mercy, and Farsi is mercy as well, so there's two and I'm going to count them.

Wow, Arabic is Shukran, right? German Danke Schoen, right?

Obrigado is Portuguese, Gracias is Spanish, Xiexian is Chinese, Oregato is Japanese. Can you say I'm bombing indifferently?

Learning it right now.

Fun, fun, fun, fun. How do normal comedy sets go for you? High energy. I come out if I have an option to go first, I like to go first and like, get going. What ethnicity are you?

I'm Middle Eastern by descent, both my parents are from Jordan. Wow, my goodness, and you like, you're a high energy guy.

100 high energy Middle Easterner. That's incredible. I'm more of an Okie than anything. You're like, Casey Carbom.

What do you do with the energy? I don't really see you being a high energy guy. Can you give us an example of what you do? Perhaps a crab walk or something like that?

Casey, you're our high energy. Do it.

Y'all going to make a big deal about me stealing Casey's joke? Oh, it wasn't wait, but one time you said jizzabetes, that was cool. Yeah, it means a lot, man.

I was sitting on that one for a minute.

Hyperglycemia.

Who's saying that, right? That was funny, wow.

Interesting stuff. What's your love life like, uh?

Yeah.

I go, I'm very direct these days and if you're not trying to start a family, I'm just like, Yeah, I'm not trying to mess with you. Yeah, pretty much. So you just go right up to women like, Can I come inside of you? Yeah, 100%.

100. They know I'm going to, girls know I'm going to knock them up unvaccinated by the way. Wow, you look quadruple boosted.

Yeah, hell yeah, all them rhinos, okay, Red Band has pulled up 12 different ways to say you're bombing, yeah.

Estoy fracasando.

Look at the Mexicans cracking up over there, they're dying. Je suis en train de faire une vida french. That was pretty good.

Oh, it's German, there you go.

German fiasco? Yeah, sure, I know those words, I bet you do, I bet you fucking do.

Well, we're going to show you some mercy and get you out of here. Nice and quickly, with a tiny joke book. Hey, look at that, you made it. Congratulations y'all.

Have a good night Remy Swice making his Kill Tony debut.

2006.

So what the fuck is that? that's fucking 17? Oh my God, he started before me.

Oh my god. oh my God, that's a year before me. Oh my God, I'm going to kill myself.

All right, your next comedian out of the bucket? You've seen how this can go. It's not easy, folks. You just saw an 18 year veteran up here.

Do his best minute. And now we're going to see the stylings of a armstrong, a armstrong.

Oh, hell yeah.

You know, on Kill Tony, when you sign up, you have to write your full name. So, like, nobody believed that my name was a. The first time I signed up was at the H-E-B Arena. And I remember, like, she finally, like, checked my I..D. and she went, Holy shit, your name is a.

It's the difference between a chicken fried steak and a country fried steak. A chicken fried steak is like breaded, and a country fried steak is in-breaded.

There's this dude that walks around, like Congress, in front of 7-eleven. I swear. Every day I see him and he only says four words and it's like, Hey, can I have a dollar, right? So, like, I see this guy every day.

And I started, like, making fun of him in front of my girlfriend, and, you know, she was like, we would laugh about it. But I felt bad about it. One day I had some money, so I decided to go see the guy and, you know, like, felt bad about making fun of him. So I'd give him a dollar. And he said different words.

This time, he finally said, Hey, you got two dollars.

A armstrong welcome to the show. I'm excited about this. A How are you up here? a.

I see you're very easily distracted. A must be short for a-d-d. You like that one? I love it. For those of you that haven't noticed yet, A literally has an A tattooed on his face.

Do you want to turn towards the audience, show them that? Yeah, that's the side that it's on. I'm a branding genius, brand yourself, I love it.

Yes, indeed. Casey Rocket What does that shirt mean? It's a local band in Austin, it's called Rickshaw Billy's Burger Patrol.

But people got sick of saying it, so they made a shirt like this. Casey is immediately becoming one of my favorite panelists ever. By the way, Casey's awesome. What the fuck is that? There's so much we have to get to a?

Armstrong Let's get through it. One of the parts of your set. You said that the guy only says four words. you proceeded to say six words after that.

I'm high as shit. That's everybody's excuse tonight, except for Remy. Swice was completely sober. Everybody, yeah, right.

I love it. What are you high on today? Just weed. I don't smoke weed. What made you get a tattooed on your face?

I really had just gone through a divorce and I was a big little Peep fan. And he said something, you were, well, I am. He died.

How are you a big little peep fan? You're a white guy? Am I correct? I know I love little peeps. You're a straight white male. Am I correct?

You're not Latino, No, I'm half Mexican, half Mexican. Okay, that makes sense. That's why only half your face is tattooed.

I love it, you got your white side and your left side.

Oh, my goodness, what in the world do you do? For a living? I work at the Goodwill as an intern for the corporate office. You're an intern I am.

At a goodwill. Yeah, it's a dope job. I don't do shit. Do you have to pay them for that job?

I would. It's easy. Wait a second, what do they pay you for that?

Yeah, okay, I get paid. Have you been to prison before? No, no, no.

No, no, no, I just believe in myself. I thought we covered this, we went through this already, Tony.

What does an intern at the Goodwill Office do exactly? I help people in the computer lab, so I help homeless people find jobs and shit.

I'm lovable, that's amazing. How long have you lived in Austin since October? Okay?

Where'd you live before that? Miami, Florida. Oh, okay, it's all coming together now, yeah.

Face tattoo, knuckle tattoos. Yeah, what were you doing in Miami, huh?

What were you doing for work? In Miami, I worked for a company called Siemens. Don't laugh, it's a big company, it's a big company.

Anyway, I was like an air conditioning tech. I went to school for like five years, you went to school for five years for what to figure out. I hated doing HVAC and I liked telling jokes.

I love it, I love your energy. thank you. you seem like such a nice guy. What else do you do?

What do you do for fun? I really just hang around comedy clubs all the time. Yeah, all the time. You get in a lot of spots. I'm not really, but I've made my own show.

I wasn't getting booked, so I decided to start booking myself. That's the fucking way to do it, buddy. I call it the a-list, it's next door, I love it.

It's Shakespeare's, yeah, very cool, that's amazing, I love it.

William Wait, why do you call it the A-list? I'm kidding, you have that fucking thing on your face, I see why.

Holy shit, it's short for add Oh, I see you already took that for your own.

I love it, he's half white, half Carlos Mencia.

Hell yeah, hell yeah. Hey, what's your love life like? My girl had to go to Detroit to take care of her father because he's dying.

I'm only going to be here for another month, I'm moving up there. No, no, no, she's white. Oh, okay.

She's white, yeah, she's beautiful. Okay, all right, nobody said you were fucking dating a fucking monster. How long have you been with her?

Like, six months, okay, all right, and you've been giving her that fucking goodwill, huh? I'm making an impact.

You're making her what I'm making, an impact. I lost my voice last week. Hell yeah, okay.

How'd you lose your voice making fun of people in the back of the creek? Oh shit, it was fun, you should have been there.

I probably should have. It gets wild back there sometimes. I know, I know I love you, Rebecca.

Rebecca's great, the creek is great, we love everybody. Wow, Tell us what's the craziest thing that's happened to you in your life?

You seem so interesting, you seem like you've really well. I was born in Japan, so I started out in an interesting Oh, do you know how to say thank you in Japanese? I thought you covered that with Remy.

No, you didn't know that one.

He doesn't know how to say I'm bombing in Japanese, but he does know how to say they're bombing us in Japanese.

So tell us where you just got that. It was a super dope joke. Yes, absolutely, indeed it was. So what were you saying?

Oh, all right, all right. So I was born on an air force base, Kadena Air Force Base in Okinawa, Japan. And at the same time, there really wasn't many kids. So there was a monkey that was born like in a tree right by my back fence.

And she had a baby at the same time. My mom had a baby and they let us play together and that was my best friend. That was my best friend for a year and a half.

Let's fucking go.

An instant legend playing your best friend was a monkey the first two years of your life. It's true, it's true, I believe it.

I really do I do a monkey impersonation, you want to see it, yes.

Thank you very much.

Wow.

We're in the house tonight. Oh my goodness, look at this one of those magical kill tony moments. Can I get a golden ticket?

I think I deserve it. Whoa, whoa, whoa there, and it all comes crashing down.

Red band Anything you want to say to this guy? No, no. Our air conditioning is fine at the sunset.

Damn wow. If you only came out wearing a wig, I got beautiful hair, you'd be booked on this secret show.

Oh, shit, look at that. I'm an old man and I still got nice hair. You're like a turtle from entourage that did meth. This is incredible.

What a stud armstrong. Anything else we should know about you before I throw you this book? Man? I fucking love Austin. This is my city, god damn right.

So for a armstrong panel, we good Casey. One thing you kind of glossed over, he said. I've never been to prison, I just believe in myself.

Which is a great line, that's awesome. How did I miss that you are spot on? What did you mean by that, exactly?

I had to explain to you that I believe in myself. That's why I tattooed my name on my face. Oh, I love that.

You have other tattoos, What do your hands say? Fuck you?

God damn, I can't believe you have three words tattooed on your hands like that. I got a tattoo for free. It's Miss Piggy frying bacon.

And it says, Don't judge me, you want to see it? Oh my God, Oh my God.

Oh my god, well, armstrong, you're a fucking real person. It's unbelievable the different shapes and sizes of people that we get in here. I like your fucking style, you seem like a genuinely cool guy.

I should think that you've come this far, being raised by monkeys and whatnot. I like your style. Here's a big joke book. Congratulations on a great Kiltony debut that is the arrival of a.

Armstrong.

How about a hand for the band, huh? Keep it going. For your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen, Solomon Craft Here is Solomon Craft.

I've been clean for two months now, thanks by clean, I mean, I'm not using fluoride toothpaste.

Yeah, I used to be a real degenerate. This. One time I was driving drunk across a bridge and I thought it would be funny to hit every single construction zone cone with my car. The next day, I woke up in a panic, I was like, Fuck, then I thought, wasn't the booze that caused this reckless behavior?

It's because I brushed my teeth with crest this morning. Another time I was in Columbia on a three-day Coke bender and these ladies wanted more money. I refused, so they beat the shit out of me. The cops got involved, it wasn't very good.

And it wasn't because I had grippling addiction problems, it's because I brushed my teeth with crest that morning. That's why every time I'm having sex with a girl, she looks up at me and stops and says, Did you just come inside me? I'm like, Oh shit, babe, sorry, I brushed my teeth with fluoride this morning.

Thanks, that's my time.

Solomon Kraft Is it kraft or krat kraft? Like macaroni and cheese, gotcha, welcome to the show, Solomon.

How long have you been doing stand-up? Three weeks? Just moved here. Okay, you started here in Austin? Yes, and where'd you move from?

A fucking canoe in the Bahamas, or something somewhat accurate. I've been on a year-long motorcycle trip through South America, so I just got back here. Okay, that makes sense. You look like a guy that's been on a year-long motorcycle trip through South America.

Yeah, how's that been going for you? It was going pretty good. Yeah, what's some crazy shit that you saw? How many times did you get robbed?

Actually, I got robbed zero times. But like I said, I did get beat up by some escorts in Columbia. Yeah, some stuff like that, like women, women, yes, escorts.

Escorts Yeah, yeah. So how did that go down? Well, I was sober for a month, right? I've been going in and out of sobriety, and I was like, let's do a month-long sober in Medellin, Columbia, which is kind of hard. And then I broke sobriety and went on a three-day coke bender. And these escorts beat the shit out of me.

Why did they decide to beat the shit out of you? Well, they wanted more money and I was like, I'm not going to give you more money, you guys should leave, and then they got aggressive. They wanted me to leave the apartment and I knew if I left the apartment with them, I would have gotten robbed or killed.

So I stayed in and they started hitting me, yeah, so with their fists. yeah, yeah, with their fists, oh, there on the back side of your head.

On the head, yeah, chest yeah. Wow, my goodness. How big were they?

Everything else was it hot at all? Yeah, I was panicking, I was panicking, like.

I said the cops got involved. But only three days of a coke bender in Columbia? only three days. Yeah, you look like you've only been off a coke bender in Columbia for three days. It's accurate.

It is absolutely incredible. Do you play musical instruments with a face and head like that? No, I do. not nothing at all. Do you have any special skills or talents?

Not in the musical nature. No, what other nature might you have talents in? I don't know. I spent six years in the Navy, it was in special warfare, naval, special warfare.

So I drove the boats for the seals and stuff like that. Wow, where did you drive the boats at? Stannis, Mississippi?

So that's where all the river boats are. You were fighting wars in Mississippi. Yeah, amazing.

Wow, yep.

What was the craziest thing that happened out there on the Bayous of Mississippi? Nothing crazy on the Bayou? But I did do two deployments and I thought I was going to go to Iraq or Afghanistan. But I went to Dominican Republic and Thailand. So I had 14 months of vacation time, it was pretty good.

Yeah, this is crazy, because you're kind of fulfilling exactly the jokes that I made about you when I first started talking to you. Yeah, I saw a canoe in Fucking Bahamas and you were on it, and then you were on a naval ship in Thailand and....

We were on land, so we bring the boats, we're on land the whole time. Okay, so we're with the army. Green berets, the Thai green berets, okay.

So in Thailand, any ladyboy action there? Oh yeah, yeah, tell us about that. Let's get into that a little bit.

Let's talk about it. So I knew this would come up, so I didn't do any. Did you bring a presentation of something?

A presentation No. So a few of us did mess around with some ladyboys in Thailand. I won't mention their names, but since I'm up here, when I was in Germany, I did mess around with a trans woman.

Yeah, let's talk about that, yeah, so again, cocaine was involved and alcohol. I went to a whorehouse in Munich, Germany, and I was with this nice, fine young lady from Italy or something.

And then this transgender lady comes over and she's like, Can I come too? And I was like, No, no, no, no. And then I went back. Could you tell that she was transgender? yeah.

No, you could tell, but she looked very feminine. She was very beautiful. How could you tell if she looked very feminine and very beautiful? Just like the Adam's Apple, you know, some of the jawline. But you were with a beautiful Italian girl, you said, and you were leaving, and the trans German girl says, Can I go with you?

Yeah, she wanted to do a threesome, and at first I was like, No, but then I went in the room, snorted a couple lines of Coke.

And then I went back right, Yeah, exactly.

That's not even a threesome. it's kind of a foursome. Yeah, yeah, it's kind of like having a chick, a chick and another dude, yeah.

And you, that's a lot, that's a lot of parties, two sets of tits, two sets of dicks. It's a wild threesome.

The math on that is insane. I lost count. Yeah, absolutely.

And then what happens? So I laid down some ground rules when she came back. Oh yeah, of course, nothing better than lines of blow and ground rules, sure.

Listen up, Yeah, No, I said. I was like, Hey, listen, I was like, you keep your clothes on, all right. Let me just say this is the greatest disguise I've ever seen Uncle Lazer do in my entire life. This is absolutely incredible.

That we found Uncle Lazer, Uncle Lazer's Colombian cousin.

That's exactly what he would do. I don't know what you want me to say here, Tony, but we were having a good old time, it was a good old time. Relax.

OK, so keep going with the story. I'm sorry to keep interrupting, but you're a little thunderball of entertainment here. So she came in. I was like, OK, listen, keep your clothes on. Wait, this is one of your ground rules.

Keep your clothes on, she takes it off and they're like, Oh no, you're actually a guy and be turned off. So I was like, you guys, the real girl can take her clothes off, that stuff. You didn't let her even take her top off the womanly part. Did she have boobs?

She did, yeah, she had fake boobs, I believe so, or like, medically induced boobs of some kind. yeah, something like that.

But you told her, Keep that top on, yep, and yeah, she sucked me off.

It's a cocaine, all right. This is unbelievable. It's like, OK, here's some ground rules. Keep your clothes on, suck my dick.

Let's go.

Your rules are absolutely incredible. This is like the XFL or something like that. What was wrong with the girl's mouth, you know? like the female's mouth? Yeah, what was up with the beautiful Italian girl?

She's just watching, like, Uh, medical bespucci.

No, I think we're like, making out, well, yeah, when you're making out, you're like, totally a woman. Yeah, yeah, I'm not gay.

Right, not gay at all, nothing gay about that. Totally got to keep everyone's clothes on.

Everyone knows that if the clothes are on, it ain't gay.

William Montgomery I am just so curious, were you using crest at this time? crest toothpaste? That's all I was thinking about.

Yeah, was this all happening on the bed, or did you take her for a floor ride?

Hello.

Hell yeah, you didn't see her butt at all. The old Colgate.

More toothpaste trance jokes not easy, got to write them now, did not have these prepared. Not easy at all.

Did you end up seeing her tube negative on the transgender girl?

Her clothes stayed on the whole time. They did. Yeah, you and the Italian girl, did you have sex in front of the trans-German? It gets pretty blurry from the half. Yeah, you got butt-fucked, dude.

You got butt-fucked. Welcome to another episode of You Got Butt-fucked. There it is. There's Red Band's three fart sound effects for this episode, a very special blasting off for Solomon Craft.

Very, very interesting now. Solomon, before we let you go anything else crazy, we should know about you. I mean, I feel like there's probably a fucking plethora. Yeah, no, I mean, there's a ton of stories and stuff. But yeah, no, I've been here for three weeks and I've been having a great time.

Let me tell you.

It was incredible, fun times. Here's a big joke book. You saved it with the interview.

Sign up again, sign up again. And, you know, normally I would go to the bucket at this point. But since, in a wild, wild, strange turn of events, the bucket of destiny has guided us in a direction. Where I do, indeed, right now, get to introduce Solomon Craft's long-lost country cousin, here with a brand new minute, this is Uncle Lazer.

Y'all ever try to get the Jehovah witness boys to do cocaine with y'all at the front door, you know, the Jehovah's right. They travel in tandem, they pull up to their yard on their huffy mountain bikes. The finest silks from the JCPennys.

Singing songs and praising their Lord Tom Cruise.

Yeah, and I'm like, Listen, Ezekiel, Okay, I don't give a fuck about the guy from Mission Impossible. Do you want to go polish off last night's eight ball with me?

Ezekiel stepped up to challenge. We stayed up all night in my garage till the sun came up. Talking about, you know, the underground railroad, and I was actually underground the whole time. You know right? That morning, when he got on that bicycle and bid me goodbye, he had the best bike ride of his life to the top of that damn hill. But colors were brighter, the air tasted sweeter.

He must have got confident, he must have let Jesus take the wheel. Because on the way down through that hill, he blew past a stop sign and he got hit by a greyhound buzz.

That's some mysterious ways. My name's Uncle Lazer. Thank you Uncle Lazer with a brand new minute.

Uncle Lazer, How's it going, you know, fucking throwing fucking bad dick at even worse people, you know what I'm saying? That's right. There he goes, reaching for his zen. What do you guys think?

Are you sad? Are you sad? Are you sad? Good question, Are you sad?

You do seem a little bit down. Listen, guys. I was in Chicago this past weekend and after the show, I stumbled into a McDonald's. And I saw a nice young lady sitting under a picture of grimace at the fall of Berlin.

What? And I sat down next to her, stroke up a little conversation with her. Next thing I know she tells me she's got a couple rocks for sale.

One thing leads to another, and we get to her house. She's one of them. Midwestern gals, big meat potato kind of gal, right? Rocks end up being crack. We made endless love all night.

She kept going, Don't stop, don't stop. And at one point, all I could say was.

What a treat that was, huh, unbelievable. No, I'm doing great, Casey.

He pre-wrote a joke that hit all of us in his head. I wrote it in the green room. I was gonna do it up here, but I was like, Ah, I've never ran it before. I was like, fuck it, there you go.

Look at you out here taking chances. I'm actually gay. We believe you, we believe you. We already knew that.

There was a guy up here before you that was with a full set of fucking powerful hair and beard, talking about doing blow and fucking trans people. And it was like, you, yeah. Well, I gave that shit up for Lent ever since I joined that.

Mormon community or Jehovah witnesses, or whatever they are, you guys all know, Uncle Lazer Cam, Yeah, them was all, man, we locked in, man, you want to tell them about it or what?

Don't say it like that, That sounds crazy. You want to tell them about it. Hey, that sounds insane, you want to tell them about it.

I think we should talk about it. That sounds fucking crazy, bro. Me and uncle Lazer did mushrooms a couple weeks ago and we got locked in the elevator for 15 minutes. Oh shit, well, you need to tell them the proper way.

Go ahead, Uncle Lazer, everybody's going to think that I gave. Nobody knows how to take a 20 second story and make it four minutes better than you, Uncle Lazer. Let's do it. Cam, cam, Everybody's going to think I gave Cam the mushrooms.

He gave me the mushrooms as I'm driving, and he took less of me and gave me more, and I take mushrooms in public all the time. It's fine, but these are, these are drug, bro, these are different.

Were they not, they fucked us up. I heard I kind of heard about this. Yeah, well, we all have the same barber. Oh yeah.

He was there, Yeah, he told me about that. You want to film it? I mean, well, I mean, I got the very short version of the story.

My barber knows that I don't like to talk much while getting my hair cut. That's a good man, he's my favorite. I like to look at my. So we're trimming balls in the green room with Jelly room.

Cam won't sit still, and I'm like, Dude, they're going to know we're on this shit. And he goes, We need milk, man, and I said, Cam cam. He kept going, We need milk, man, we need milk. And he's patient. And then Jelly Room walks in and he's like, What's up, fellas?

And I'm like, I'm not going to lie to you, man, we shouldn't be here. I said we took too many cam's like, we need milk, I said we need to go home cam. That's all I'm thinking about. Nigga, give me milk right now, bro.

All I need right now is milk. Is milk supposed to make the mushrooms chill out or something? That's what I heard, but it was a lie, didn't happen, it didn't help at all.

I would, I would. We took a business at 930.

I think, I think we was on a business until about three, four in the morning. In the morning, they fucked me up, Dawg.

We went to the cooler at sunset, we was in the green room. Yeah, you kept sitting in the freezer. yeah, you kept sitting in the freezer.

You kept sitting in the freezer, he's just sitting in the freezer, oh, yelling at white women, going Hey, Ma'am just like screaming. I'm like, Cam, stop.

There was white women in the freezer, I was collecting white women in the green room. Yeah, he had the door open from the freezer, he just wanted to be in the freezer.

Wow, this is Red Band's establishment, everybody. For those of you wondering, Wow, where can I get a delicious beverage from that place? I wonder what the I wonder what the cleanliness is like of that of the freezer. White women there, you know, so they're fine.

Corner pocket. Oh my god, so how does this end? What are you guys doing at four in the morning while while coming down from a mushroom trip you you want to tell them?

Oh, your lips are still cold from the freezer?

Goddamn holy shit, this is the cold, coldest, the fucking ass job.

Okay, so how does it end?

How does the story end? I'm pregnant.

I'm pregnant.

We're expecting a nephew laser on the way.

Hell yeah, well, laser fun times, you got a new minute out. You've been wanting to do this for a while. Here you go.

You did it again, you're in the fucking in the universe. Thank you Laser. of course, Uncle Laser out there on tour.

Catch him Uncle Laser Comedy..com for tickets. And back to the bucket, we go, How about a hand for the lovely Heidi? Am I right, people?

What a fucking goddamn sausage fest of a show we have here. A glimpse of light all right back to the bucket. We know this young man, very, very goofy, goofy looking comedian that's been on this show a few times.

Here is the long return of Derek Dimple, everybody, Derek Dimple.

That's right, class, listen up, it's substitute teacher time. I used to be a substitute teacher and now I'm a substitute comedian.

I came here to do two things tell jokes and explain Coulomb's law, and I am all out of jokes.

Substitute teaching wasn't as difficult as I thought until I realized I could just give anyone a bathroom pass. I'd send half the class to the bathroom. If it made my life easier, assistant principal would come in.

I'd be like, I don't know what happened. That's right, I have a voice like Michael Sarah Kermit, The Frog and Jordan B. Peterson. Howdy Baby.

Someone toward things would happen while I was subbing, kids would tell me to suck their dick to my face. Is that really what you want, Carlos?

With everything that's in the news, I know what I look like and I fit the profile I look like. I'm about to shoot up this school, but I will shoot ropes all over you.

I know I'm a substitute, but I'm no sub. I will fuck you in the ass, you little Twerp all sped. Sheeran's gonna play a little ditty on your prostate.

All right, Derek Dimple. Thank you guys. is it dimple? Dimple? Yeah, dimple.

D-i-m-p.

F-L Oh wow, you have beautiful eyes, that is unbelievable.

Four consonants in a row. Me, Yeah, you've seen me many times. Yeah, I know.

You got these Tom Cruise eyes. they just like, blast a laser right through my face. Tom Cruise eyes. What the fuck, Jesus Christ, Derek?

Thank you, obviously. You've had time to prepare since your last appearance on the show. You've been planning on telling me I have beautiful eyes. No, it just came out. Wow.

Look at that fresh off of nibbling on a little boy's ear at a snooker tournament in England this week. Hey, no, I sent him away with a bathroom pass. I didn't say any of that shit.

All right, Derek, you did really, really good. According to the audience here tonight, I didn't think it was that funny, but you did really good with the crowd. I will say I don't know how it translated to the internet. I may be autistic, but I love eye contact.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. All right, you've been working hard, huh?

How long you been doing stand-up? Now? Three years now, almost to the day, right? three years, and I remember you from way back, right? You've been at all.

The Kill Tony locations Yeah, my first sign-up was Kill Tony 500 over at the Paramount. Yeah, I was nine days into comedy at that point. There you go, look at you now out here, working beats on these people.

Have you felt like you've been getting better? Uh-huh, Okay, there you go, all right.

Obviously, that's a trick. You got up your sleeve. There a lot of Kermit references, Kermit Miss Piggy Muppet references tonight, and then you get pulled out of the bucket. It's absolutely incredible. Derek. What do you do for work?

I am a sperm donor. What? Oh God, our future is fucked.

Cam Patterson That should be illegal, yeah.

A lot of surprise, little ginger chatterboxes gonna be popping up around the world. You're not a ginger dude. Holy shit, what the fuck.

What do you call a white guy that tries to be a ginger? A piece of shit?

Everyone calls me a ginger because of the beard. Okay, well, just so, you know, but a ginger, I know, like a white guy that tries to be black is a....

I don't know that one bro. Yes, yes, you do. It's a a ninja.

No.

I think the term is neighbor. Oh, no, I wouldn't call you a wigger, right? Yes, but is there a word?

For.

I'm asking you, William, is there a word for a white guy with light brown hair that tries to be a ginger? Is it a winger? Uh, yes.

Okay, all right, a winger. Welcome to my improv course, ladies and gentlemen.

KC Rocket Cam Did she say a ninja? Was that your guess? I was confused, I didn't know what you wanted me to say.

I don't know a ninja, it's a crazy guess. I'm still, bro. They let you get sperm into people, bro. Yeah, how is that possible that you're qualified to do that? What is the testing regimen for a man to have to donate sperm?

Not rigorous, right? They're not concerned about you when you come in looking like you. No, I guess they're desperate for cum.

Are you serious? Yeah, I'm rolling the dice. Oh my God, it might be the only way I can have kids. Shut the fuck up.

Do you have to? Did they pay? you pay extra for that, or you just did that for free? No, I volunteered. You're talking about checking the box.

Yeah, yeah, like, why would you ever do that unless they paid extra? I mean, you got nothing to lose, right? They can't come after you for money or anything like that or whatever.

I kind of like myself, I think I'm a likable person. And if they did, I mean, can you imagine 18 years from now? Some person coming up to you being like, Hey, you're my dad, can I have some money? And you're like, Did your mom tell you how I was making money?

Like, I jizz in a cup for a living, just do what I did, son.

Wow, unbelievable. He's like, I'm a substitute teacher, I'm also a substitute husband.

I guess, so, I guess. So what do you do for fun, Derek, when you're not doing stand-up? Well, lately, I've been really enjoying some pitch and putt golf, yeah.

Down at Butler, it really is unbelievable, another one of the fucking gems of this city. It is a super duper fucking putt-putt on steroids here in Austin, Texas, Butler pitch and putt. Another fun thing to do during the day.

How often do you do that? About once a week, maybe once every two weeks? I shot a 30 the other day. Par is 27 on that course.

Wow, you shot a 30 into one of the semen cups? Yes. no, I shoot more than 30 into the semen cups. Wow. Now, when you do that, is there something that you look at?

Do they let you watch porn? How does that go down? They just put you in a room. Take us through the process here. Well, you walk through....

You sit in a cooler on mushrooms. Yeah, right, keep your balls....

Keep your balls on ice first, yeah, you go back into a little medical examining room and there's some cabinets. And they have wipes for cleanup, and they have lube for doing the thing, and they have a drawer full of hustler magazines. But I just watch porn on my phone, right? That seems like that would be the move.

Do they have good wi-fi at this place? Yeah, but when I'm ambitious, I just use my imagination. Okay, what do you think of when you use your imagination? Big tits?

That's what you're into. I love big tits, you do. you love big tits? yeah.

Do you like big?

Old titty boy Lacroix is over here. He has six nipples, didn't you? Don't stare at me, you bastard.

What the hell?

None of that, none of that. Did you just say? Casey has six nipples like a rottweiler?

What the hell is this true? Casey? Look, man, this isn't about me.

How big are your loads, man? This isn't about me. That's a great question. Let's go back, How big are you?

We're bragging about how big your loads are. Do you have exceptionally large loads big enough to cover six nipples? Okay, making callbacks?

I imagine they're average sized, okay, I don't have hyperspermia or anything like that. That's when you have a really huge load. But it's actually not good for getting people pregnant because there's a little bit of semen and a bunch of cum stuff. And so it doesn't swim too well. I read a lot online.

How much do you get paid for that? $110 per pop? Are you serious? How many times can you do it a week? Oh, every two days you can.

So you go back every two days and shoot a load in a cup. It's how I make a living. Well, Yeah, no, every two days I shoot a load in a cup. How many other open micers know about this? These guys are sweating bullets, post-mating for eight hours a day to make $110..

They're going to all be like, Wait, what? what the fuck you're doing? jizz in a cup, holy shit. I mean, if you're driving, buy one.

Why not just go make it quick? $110, $110 used to be what we would work. A fucking bartending shift in Columbus, Ohio, for back in the day, fucking stocking shelves and wiping down bottles, and here you are just wiping down bottles.

This is absolutely fucking incredible. $110 a pop. Well, ever since I couldn't keep selling beer, I had to find an alternative income source, nevermind he used to sell beer in an alley.

He was one of those beer sellers. Oh, you were one of the back alley beer sellers. Back when we had everybody stand in the alley, I had the highest. How much money were you making a week doing that?

$300 every night at Kill Tony Wow after expenses $300 and you would go jerk off in a cup the day before that.

And then $300, and then you jerk off the next day, so we're already at fucking over $500 in three days, that's stripper money. Yeah, it is. It's unbelievable, Derek.

Yeah, you got to get it somehow, all right. Well, very, very interesting stuff. Amazing that you found a way to survive like this.

You have a joke book already? Well, you gave me a medium joke book. No, I do not. let's just say that you have a medium joke book.

It was a small one, so it means, no, you know what? I'm going to give you this keychain. we have a cool little kill Tony keychain. Because again, I didn't think this set was funny.

You killed with the audience. I don't know how to describe it. Thank you very much Tony. People like energy, thank you guys.

I think there's some people on mushrooms here tonight, we have a table that's laughing at everything here.

All right, we're going to keep it moving along. Your next bucket, you guys having fun out there?

Your next bucket Pull the bucket of destiny. Anything can happen. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Roman Schmidt.

Roman Schmidt.

So I've always wanted to commit an obscure crime like mail fraud. Ironically, mail fraud is also what my dad calls trans people.

No, I was lucky enough to grow up with my dad and mom because I grew up on a dairy farm, so my dad had no excuse to leave and get milk.

No, I was very blessed. I do have buddies who weren't so lucky and they had stepmoms and they're like, she's a fucking bitch. I never got that because from the videos I've seen, they seem pretty cool.

For the longest time, I thought social worker was a politically correct way of saying prostitute.

So when I found out that my older sister was going to school to be a social worker. I was like, Dad, are we okay with this? And he's like, Yeah, I'm like, is grandma on board? He's like, grandma actually suggested. She thought she'd be great at it.

Dirty old hag. So for three years, I thought my older sister was going to school to be a whore. Turns out she's just working with them.

Thank you, I'm Roman Schmidt.

It's so nice to meet one of Derek's young children.

Roman, How old are you? 22, 22 years old? You live here now? I just moved here like five months ago.

Five months ago from Wisconsin, correct? Madison, Yeah.

That's where I was doing standup. I'm from a small town called Colby, though. yeah, you were doing standup at Comedy on State.

Yeah, one of the best comedy clubs in the country. How long did you do it there? Two years? Then I moved here.

Amazing, amazing. What do you do for work? I serve at a mini golf place and then ballet every once in a while, but not too much. You serve at a mini golf place.

Is it Butler? Pitch and putt? No, it's. It's crazy. There's like all these repetitive things tonight, Holy Moly, it's a new thing.

Okay, Holy Moly, where's that at? It's right on, like, Third Street, but on the other side of 35, like right behind that whole foods in target over there.

Oh wow, yeah, yeah, that's very close to here. Yeah, what's Holy Moly like?

What's it like over there? It's okay, oh okay, quite the salesman.

Yeah, unbelievable. They got like, they're going to love your ringing endorsement. Yeah, I'm working one shift for the next two weeks, so I don't know if they really want me either.

Okay, but I don't know. They're trying to be a mini-golf place with a bar, but it's more of a bar with super small mini-golf. So right, it's still pretty much a hoot.

Still, it's still fun.

Hoot and holler, if you ask me, absolutely, absolutely. So what are 22-year-olds that just moved to Austin up to nowadays?

Tell us about what you think is fun when you're not working or doing stand-up. I don't do much of anything else, I pretty much work and I go straight and I do stand-up all night, that's pretty much it.

I'm pretty much a.

I play Mario Kart every once in a while, but oh, okay, that's about it. What's your character?

What's your choice of?

I'm a yoshi Luigi Guy, So ah, yoshi Luigi. Real ones no, real ones no.

Very agile. high speed. Yeah, high speed, very agile on the corners.

I'm a Wario guy. Okay, okay, I'm a Wario guy, I come from behind and fucking....

Fucking hit your ass, just doop, doop, doop. I'm just red shell, green, green green, I'm toad.

Yeah, I would beat the shit out of you, dude. I'm a drifter man. Wario. Yeah, you're drifting all right. Wario's a fucking....

How about you guys? what are your Mario karts? what are your? I'm guessing you're the donkey Kong of the...?

No, Cam's the only one that doesn't slip on the banana. No, he gets a speed boost from them. This is a racist episode of Kill Tony.

When I can do the jokes with my Black friends, I do them. Other Black guys must watch this show and be like, I'm going to kill that motherfucker. He just say, Slave face, get the fuck out of here. Slave face was crazy, Slave face was crazy.

Slave face was crazy. We're still going to bleep. We're going to bleep this every time I say it. And then these assholes are going to go online and be like, he said, slave face. They were bleeping slave face.

I use yoshi, I use yoshi, you're a yoshi guy. Okay, Casey, there's this big...

I recently discovered this there's this big worm in a top hat, it's real Wiggler, the Wiggler.

Wiggler So I thought it was just a nickname, the Wiggler, but it's his real name, it's his real name, that's his name. That's so cool to think about.

This is like a new Mario Kart character, it's this crazy new guy named the Wiggler. It's for Switch. You guys wouldn't believe some of this stuff. Wow.

He's a big-ass worm. Yeah, he's huge, and he has a top hat on. This sounds like a casey rocket bit, not a bit.

He's this fat-ass, big-ass, top-heavy worm. wow, oh, and he's the coolest Tony. You've got to see this guy. Oh my god.

I'm pretty sure he just performed here a minute ago.

And William, what is your Mario Kart character? Big Waluigi fan? I do like, a little Waluigi, what?

I love it. And what was yours again? Yoshi or Luigi? Right? Yoshi or Luigi, you're split on it.

You're 50-50.

Yeah, why don't you go with Luigi? because he's not Mario? I feel like he's the neglected one, you know?

He's the best one, you think, so, huh? I believe, so I don't trust anyone who picks Mario, so I just like....

You're a fuckhead, I don't know if anyone. Does anyone pick Mario out there? Oh, you do look at this guy with a very sad face, just....

Yeah.

Wait, you do. I do wow, really wow.

That is incredible. Have you ever won Matt Muehling?

We need to have a fucking Mario Kart tournament. Kill Tony Mario Kart Tournament livestream, $80 $80 per ticket.

Buy your Mario Kart Kill Tony tournament tickets. Okay, what's your love life? Like Roman Schmidt, you seem like a straight-up super virgin.

No, I'm a bit of a dry spell right now, that's for sure. Yeah, right, you're just focused on stand-up comedy, yeah, what does your dream girl look like?

What does she look like? Better be black.

Yeah, right, Gia Duddy. look her up on Instagram. That's Gia Duddy. What's her name?

Gia duddy, gia duddy, d-u-d-d-y. It's specific.

G-i-A How do you spell that space? d-u, d-u?

Say it into the microphone, you creepazoid, Oh, d-u, d-u-d-d-y, she's gorgeous.

Dming her now Is that just a normal girl? Let me see this, let me see this shit.

She looks like a normal girl. Is this a regular white bitch? Yeah.

It's a good old, regular fashion white bitch. I like the curly hair. Have you met this girl or something? No, she was on the draft, like a year ago, what draft?

Will Leavis girlfriend?

Oh.

Will Leavis is a white guy. Oh, fuck that your time goes, C.D. Lamb.

Yeah, she look good. yeah, she's alright. I like curly hair, that's why I'm...

You like curly hair? There we go. You could have just said that, I know, but you know, Gia Duddy's gonna get sent this, right?

I know without a doubt. Literally, like at least 400 people are gonna be like, Gia, you were brought up on Kill Tony. And she's gonna be like, Oh my god, how can I make money off this?

Just a normal fucking.

Whose girlfriend was she? Again? Will Leavis? He's a quarterback of the Tennessee Titans. Oof, yeah.

Are they still together? No, oh okay, yeah. Well, being a quarterback for the Tennessee Titans has got a fucking lot to work with over there already.