#665 - JIM FLORENTINE + ERIK GRIFFIN

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hinchcliffe!

Fuck yeah! You did it, ladies and gentlemen. You made it to the number one live podcast in the world. You guys, excited, huh? Make some noise.

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Who's ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh?

Very exciting stuff, ladies and gentlemen. Two of my favorite guests in the history of the show. Two of the best to ever be on. Two of my favorite stand-up comedians. Make some noise for the great and powerful Eric Griffin and Jim Florentine.

Yes. Abso-fucking-lutely. Eric Griffin. Jim Florentine. Welcome, gentlemen.

Yeah. Eric Griffin's on tour. EricGriffin.com. That's Eric with a K. Jim Florentine on tour.

JimFlorentine.

com. The podcast. Everybody is Awful. Welcome back, guys. How are you?

Those jokes were amazing. Yeah. Thank you. You're gonna kill. Thank you.

We're gonna do a live on Netflix, which is gonna be great. Yeah. So I can't even cut any of those jokes. Well, we're gonna see. I have a feeling I might, I have a feeling they might cut to something real quick.

The band just starts playing, or something like that. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. I'm like, I got more. We'll see. We'll see if Hollywood lets me do some Texas chaos out there.

Yeah, they're gonna lower Ari Shaffir into acid while you do that, Kobe joke.

Like, every Kobe joke, he gets lower.

Amazing. Well, you guys know how the show works. Over 240 people signed up for the chance to perhaps get pulled out of this bucket tonight. If I do pull them out, that means they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up.

when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else we bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

And so, I've pulled a name out of the bucket. We go wrangle them from the bar across the street. And while that happens, ladies and gentlemen, I get to bring up one of our amazing regulars. How many of you are real fans of this show?

Well, you guys are in for a treat. You know them. You love them. Ladies and gentlemen, rising superstar, make some noise for KC Rocket, everybody.

Lord forgive me, because I'm about to riff. All right, very cool. I miss. when men were men in this country. You know what I mean?

Just miss. when men were men. You know what I'm talking about? Talking about when men were men. You know what I'm saying?

Talking about dressing up like a deer and scaring your Latino neighbors. Cómo se dice the Wendigo? You know what I'm getting at? Talking about when men were men. You know what I mean?

When men were what? Men. Folks.

Talking about calling in late to work because you got caught in a saw trap again. You know what I'm saying? Talking about when men were men. Talking about when men were men! Folks.

Folks, hey, men were what? Men. I'm talking about adopting a kid and getting him really sick, just so you can meet John Cena. You know what I mean?

. Talking about men were what? Men. I'm talking about? having a daughter fall in a well and she comes back every seven days to crawl out of people's television screens.

You know what I'm saying? I'm talking about when men were men. Guys, hey, I'm talking about when men were men. I'm talking about pulling a gun on Papa John and demanding he apologize for saying the N-word. You know what I mean?

You really let us down, Papa. All right, thank you. I'm Casey Rocket. Have a good night. All right.

God, what do y'all think? 1983, maybe?

Probably 83.

. When was the last year the Celtics won a championship? Maybe 1983, even? It was 83.. I think it was either 83 or 83..

Back, when men were men, Casey Rocket, you did it again. Lord has forgiven you, for you did riff. indeed. I did. I really did.

It's just tough, man. When I was a kid, we used to take Roombas to school. You know what I'm saying? Roombas? Roombas.

The vacuum cleaner? The vacuum, man. The floor robotic vacuum cleaner? Those were a thing when you were a kid? When I was a kid, men were men.

We used to take Roombas to school, and if it hit a crack, you were fucked, man. You're going the other way. Hopefully your school was north, you know?

Yep. The Roomba. Do you have a Roomba now? Nah. Do you have a handheld vacuum cleaner of some kind?

Nah, man.

Sorry. I said that kind of cryptically, as if something bad happened with the Roomba. Not since the accident. I don't have a Roomba.

The Roombas are just wide enough to suck a kid under. You wouldn't know it. I lost a son.

No, I don't have a vacuum, but I'm working on it. It's true.

That's the sound of a Roomba, for those of you that don't know. That is Red Band Soundboard at full effect.

Amazing. How old was your son when the Roomba sucked it up? What do you call that? Sixteen, yeah. Sixteen years old?

Sixteen, yeah. Wow. Tiny little guy. It's a chicken or the egg. Was it a big Roomba or was it a small son?

It was the perfect storm, really. The Roomba was just big enough and my son was just small enough, so. An afflortion, if you will.

Yeah. Really, late stage afflortion, yeah. Sixteen year old afflortion. I love it. What else is going on, Casey Rocket?

Been dealing with that. And something like that never really goes away, so I'm trying to make the best of it for now. Yeah, it's been a bad summer.

I'm just spending time working on my novel and hanging out with you guys. Oh, Eric Griffin. Your novel?

Please, tell us more about what you're writing about. I'm guessing it's called When Men Were Men, a novel by Casey Rocket. It's a whole Roomba chapter.

I just want to know how he sits still to write a book. You have to really sit and focus. I'm guessing you have a standing table and it's on wheels and you're on rollerblades and you're just flying around the room like a Roomba. Like a Roomba. Huh.

You become the thing you hate the most. So interesting.

Casey fucking Rocket. I love the way you get a show started, my friend. You are quite the silliest goose that's ever geased amongst us. I love your style. A lot of fun stuff happening.

He's on tour, caseyrocketcomedy.

com. We love you. Thank you. Thank you, guys. So fun.

Could be somebody who just got here today. Make some noise for your first comedian, Drew Nickens, everybody. Drew Nickens.

My name is Drew Nickens, I have a head injury from the Air Force. That's why I sound like I took some Benadryl before I came on stage. I love strip clubs, because for $20, you can talk about your favorite episodes of Dawkins.

And she came in, and I was like, you know what, let me call it, let me see what cute nickname she gives me. Is she going to give me Mar from Home Alone? Is she going to give me Special Needs? Jack Harlow? You know what she gave me?

The bitch was doing charity work. Charity work was the name of my phone. That's been my time. Thank you all so much. Fuck yeah.

Drew Nickens, getting the buckets started for us tonight. I think we all have a brain injury now. I love it. Drew, how long you been doing standup? I've been doing standup about six years, Tony.

I love it. Where at? I live in DFW now. I've done it in DFW for about four years. And I've been in Shreveport before that, womp, womp, and College Station.

So I've been everywhere. Yeah, you've been everywhere. Right next to each city's nuclear plant?

I wish. It would explain a lot. But what happened when you were in the Navy? What happened to your brain? I was in the Air Force, and I got bullied real bad.

By your own? By people, yes. Yeah. But you know what? It's made me realize that I need to treat people kindly and just be the best person I can be.

You know, when you get things like that, you can be sad or mean, but you do whatever you can, man. Keep going. Keep going. What are you saying? Keep that flow going.

Yeah, I just know that it happened for a reason. What happened exactly? I gotta know now. You bullied somebody, and then they bullied you back? No, no, no, no.

I was a weirdo.

Yes, sir. Do people with brain injuries like wrestling? Or does the... No, no. It was before the brain injury.

I liked wrestling. Right. Okay. And then I really enjoyed wrestling after that.

It got a laugh. Yeah, absolutely. He reminds me of a retarded Kramer. Yeah. Yeah.

And I think if he uses the N-word, he might get more laughs. Yeah. Exactly. Eric Griffin? Yeah.

I just want to know, so you made it into the Air Force?

Oh my goodness. So, when you say you had a 57, it's a 50 to get in, what do you have to do? What is that score exactly? Sir, it's from the ASVAB. It's a test to score your intelligence in certain areas.

So I think I could score like a 46. now, Okay, be nine points. I think we need all the help we can get. I think they would let you in no problem. What were you doing in the Air Force?

Please don't tell me, you were flying fighter jets.

Slop gun over here.

Yes, sir, I, I was working in basic military training. as a Personnel, is I used to bring the people off the bus, get their paperwork. She had him in, Eric Griffin. Oh So, you were like the Air Force greeter.

He was this guy.

I Just want to know how. he's a greeter and he gets a brain injury from that. Yeah, explain to us the moment that you had the brain injury. You were if you were with the guys. What did they do to you?

They, they, they beat me up, real bad. I stood up for myself because they told me they were like drew. you need confidence, You need to stop like letting people pick on you. and then I came in. I was like, no, you ain't gonna do that to me.

and then he, yeah, everything happened. what happened? Tell me what. tell us what happened. Is it hard for you to talk about?

Okay. Well, then we won't talk about it. Yes, sir. I don't want you having flash, but flash, but flash. Wow, I think I'm fucked up.

Kind of feel it. I kind of fucking feel it. Okay, so What did the doctors say? that you had a what did you have? a little bleed in your brain or something?

They just said that I had like a really bad concussion and I got 80% Disability from the Air Force. So okay, 80% guy, with a bunch of cheap fucks. I mean Jesus, give the poor guys full fucking hundred percent. Wow, what and how? what did the guys give you that haircut too on your way out?

And your whole fucking head, dude, I got it from a guy who doesn't speak English. I, I was too afraid to leave the chair. So now I look like a whiter patch of my homes. That's true, That's true. Okay, and what do you see?

You don't have a job now, right? I do. I am a Cashier for a legal poker room. Whoa, that sounds pretty cool here in Austin, Texas. No.

No, I live in Dallas, I work midnight to 8 every Sunday and then I sleep for two hours and I come here to try and get on kill. Tony, How many times have you signed up for the show? I've been signing up for ten and a half months, sir. You've been signing up every Monday for ten and a half months. Well, I lost my wallet and I got a new car, Wow.

Unbelievable that is. that is incredible. what happens here? this bucket of destiny has a mind of its own, and so do you.

What are you up to? So, I love the country dance. I'm really good at it, Even though I look to one, two, three, four, I. I have to have a partner to spin around and I don't think we got any room. Oh, here we go.

Oh Hell, yeah.

My goodness, gracious country feels safer. what's wild is, I thought I.

Feel like you really clunked up his country. You were kind of the Link in that one. I forgot which one fucking has a hole in their brain. for a second. You were looking smooth up there, drew.

Okay, other than country dancing. What else are you into? I love boxing. No, this is not good.

Wait a second. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh.

Yeah, Absolutely. Look at you. The craziest thing is you read better than Floyd Mayweather.

There you go, There you go, not yet, you don't, Jim Florentine, no, it's, it's too bad. He didn't learn boxing before those guys got up on him.

God damn, I could have learned the Philly show before that. For those of you that may have missed it, by the way, you know, Eric got up and danced with him. Then he said he likes boxing and Eric pointed at Jim and goes here.

Amazing, drew you are so fun. What else about you? Tell us something else. So something that D managed probably won't believe either. I'm actually half black.

You're half black. Yeah, Zero.

0% of the room, believes you? did you think this before the brain injury? Was this one of those things like that lady that bumped her head and then she, like, got an Asian accent or whatever? No, so my one of my brothers looks like Clay Thompson. The other one looked like Britney Greiner.

Hold on. okay, lady, shut the fuck up. What are you nuts? Jesus Christ? Let me see pictures Jesus, someone more retarded than you.

We're having fun, let me ask you this are your parents? what do your parents look like? So my dad looks like viscera, a big black guy, big black guy. He's like 450 pounds, six foot six. Holy shit, and I love him.

Hell. Yeah. Hell. Yeah. He's a badass motherfucker.

What does your mom look like? She's about 510.. I'm not gonna give her weight out.

I know she's.

Red band, you're so stupid. She's white. Yeah, white. He said he's half black and his dad's black. So why would she be an albino?

make it look like that?

You don't think your mom may have cheated on your father. no, if you see my dad, I look like my dad in the face in a credit score the dance moves and Some else. whoa, You got me.

God gave me a lot to go wrong, but god damn. He gave me one thing that could go right. Wow, Holy shit, how are we talking about? What are we talking about?

I fucking love this guy. This is incredible.

I I've done 15 minutes four times. 15 minutes four times. How did that go? How did that go for you? Good, great, I did a show at camera last year and I did really well.

where? where was the show? in dripping Springs, sir? Okay. All right.

Wow. Yeah, you got a little dripping Springs on the side of your mouth. I'm kidding. I'm joking You don't? I love it.

So let me ask you something about this giant fucking cock ears. You use this thing ever. you get to put it to work. Sometimes you ever go. Oh shit.

I Love it. Hey, you girls.

Yeah,

It's all right, you haven't been. no, let me ask you something. you ever, you're up in Dallas all the time, You ever, when you've been in Austin, Texas, you ever, you ever give a girl a kiss.

You haven't had an Austin kiss yet, you know, we do a little segment on this show.

Drew, Nick, Eric, you don't point at the person. Jesus Christ Is there, sweetheart? Come on up here. Get up here, lady. Come on.

Who's got her hand up back there?

Oh, My goodness, oh, all right, here she comes, ladies and gentlemen.

The shit is about to go down. how many you have been fans of the show for a long time. Oh, My goodness, you gotta be kidding me. I got brain damage. Awesome.

I think we're about to see exact. what kind of pants are you wearing, drew? We might be able to see that fucking. This chick looks cute, dude. We might see the full.

Oh my god.

I'm calling it right now in our 11-year history. Ladies and gentlemen, what's your name? Riley, Riley, Riley. I Love it. Nice.

You work at the Betty. Oh, yeah, one of the newest bars here in town. We love the Betty. Ladies and gentlemen, Riley, you are about to make absolute history. This, take a breath, is Drew's first Austin kiss with a fucking 10 from Austin, Texas.

Riley, Riley Riley. take a joke book. Take a joke, but there you go. Would you like to be on the secret show?

This is kill Tony.

Yes, and so it has begun.

We are the number one comedy show in the world.

That is the hottest chick that's ever. come up to this.

And there's I don't think we've ever done it with a fully brain damaged guy before That this is magic, yeah, that was that. that was pretty amazing. that's pretty amazing, you know, and it was dark over there. So I thought a monster was gonna walk up, you know.

Even I was feeling retarded.

It's unbelievable. It was a fucking 11, which is also how big his dick is, Jim Florentine, how crazy is that that he had a horrible set? So like this is gonna be really bad. and then all of a sudden he makes out with a 10 and he's doing red band show on Thursday, it's.

And that was our first bucket full of the night. we gotta keep it moving, ladies and gentlemen.

Wow, hard to follow. make some noise for your next bucket pool, Alexander Marcano.

Alexander Mark here.

Holy Shit, Austin, Texas. There are a lot of people in here, and I also have never kissed a girl.

All right, I am under prepared and over stimulated, so let's get into it. I studied statistics. People think that means I'm good at math. I'm good at gambling. That's what I'm good at.

I like to take risk, and there's no better example of that than my dating life. The women I like are not what you would call a safe investment. All right, moving on.

I Think people are going back to all-natural, organic, you know, non GMO. But have you tried ecstasy? I think it's pretty good. I think it's delicious. I say try it, unless you're my employer, in which case I never have and I never would.

I'm from Chicago. We've been getting a lot of your care packages, Texas. I'm talking about the migrants on the buses. Yes, we've been getting them All right. I think I think I'll cut the joke before I embarrass myself.

Thank you very much.

I think you already embarrassed yourself. What was that? How was that joke gonna end? Come on. Let's just plow through it, Alexander, You just got buried by a guy with half a brain.

So, it's okay, let's talk about. how was that joke gonna end buses, migrants? you're in Chicago, go ahead. Well, you know, it's, it's just a little. it's difficult for me, right, seeing people on the streets.

They look like me, They speak my language. They share my culture. It all just makes me feel Superior. No, just kidding. They're bad.

Yeah, they're funnier than you. Migrants are funnier than you Straight off the bus, funnier than you, Alexander. Hello. Welcome. Thank you.

You're a good-looking guy. No brain damage whatsoever. Yep, unbelievable. How weird this show is.

I was just thinking that, like, that guy was so weird. So retarded, you know, yeah, you know, I mean we were like loving everything about him and you come up here all handsome and like. we're just kind of like fuck you, Yeah.

You know, I mean, yeah, Absolutely. I mean it is Incredible. Alexander Marcano, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I'm so nervous, even though I ask everybody I'm really nervous right now to ask you that I get the feeling about a year. Oh, okay.

Yeah, that's terrible.

It's okay, all of it in Chicago. No, I started in Orlando. Okay, you live here now. No, I live in Chicago. Okay, what made you start in Orlando, oh, that's just where I lived.

I'm from Orlando, Florida and then I'm from Orlando. What made you move to Chicago? work? Okay, you work at a bank or something close. Yeah, I work at a consulting firm.

Right. Okay. All right, Alexander, what made you want to start stand-up comedy? Did somebody tell you you're funny? No, unfortunately, I just like watching it.

So I thought I'd give it a shot. It has it gone. Well for you. I've had better nights, Mm-hmm.

Better nights than this. Yes. Yes, right. So some somebody laughed at some point. Yes, there was a time.

That's right. Okay.

What's?

What's your process exactly like? what do you when you're writing a joke like what are you doing? Are you sitting behind a desk? Are you at your office? Yeah, I'm usually.

I'm usually sitting at a desk Or at your place, no, no, no, I do this alone. I wouldn't. I wouldn't do this around people. you shouldn't do it around people. That's exactly what I was getting at.

is you should not do comedy around people. I think you're more of a by yourself kind of guy. Yeah, perhaps zoom comedy or something like that. Okay, so let's talk about Alexander. what else have you ever done?

anything else? entertainment wise, Not for an audience. No, right. What have you done? Not for an audience, only fans.

Yeah, Seriously, like what? No, I mean, I like to go around Chicago, take pictures. I like to box. just kind of you box You box. I mean not with it.

Let's see. Put the mic in the mic stand. Let's see some shadow boxing.

No, Jesus Christ. who the fuck do you think you're talk? Whoa. Oh shit. All right.

Hold on. Stop. Stop. Stop. I have an idea.

How many you think we should bring? drew back up here.

You know what? I mean? He got more laughs shadow boxing than a stand-up.

Yeah, he's getting a lot of pussy. Yeah Yeah, this is what comedy is supposed to look like.

Obviously, you a ladies, man, I'm not as well as you all are making me out to be. Yeah. Why do you think that is? Where's the hiccup? Probably they probably.

I'm not as funny as I need to be, I think. well, I mean, but I mean some girls are just in. I mean you're financially secure, correct? Very financially secure. Oh, look at this.

Jesus Christ Riley. don't look at him like that.

Very financially secure. What are we talking about? quarter mill a year? I?

Make a modest living. Okay, what's that? I'm six figures. Yeah, hundred and twenty a year. Yeah, let's say okay, Let's say indeed.

Yeah, And you have your own. what a little apartment in Chicago. Yeah, I got a nice two-bedroom. just me, I like how you look at the audience when you say something you're proud of. Yeah, I make a modest living.

Yeah, you know a two-bedroom.

He's hypnotizing.

You think I'm funny?

Amazing, Alexander. what else? what do you do for fun? What's the wild side of Alexander Marcano? You kind of seem like a guy from Chicago that works at a consulting firm.

Yeah, I mean that that is true. It's the wild side. You have a. you have a membership to like a Something or what? No, I don't have any memberships to anything.

my friends. I like to go to Vegas once a year. We go on a binge. What do you do? There?

a lot of gambling and a lot of illicit substances. Oh, okay, What kind of substance are you? a little wolf of Wall Street over there? I mean, I. I've never done cocaine.

I feel like that. one might might be a little dangerous for me, but well, how illicit do you get? I like the psychedelics. I think they're fun. You go to Vegas and do psychedelic or Molly.

I don't know where Molly falls in the category, but somewhere in there. All right. Look at you. What's the most fun thing? You've done on Molly.

I can't picture you on Molly whatsoever. Well, Orlando has a bunch of raves. So I was at a rave in Orlando. That was. that was my Molly experience.

Yeah, what happened there? What I wanted? it wouldn't? what did that go for you? I actually got it for free, which I've been told you shouldn't.

Yeah, that is correct. But I They seem trustworthy. They said they liked me and I'm a sucker for people that like me. So I said, all right, I'll try it. Well, luckily, you don't have to worry about too many people liking you.

Alexander Dude, I was gonna say you make everything sound boring as fuck. Well, you know, you went to a rave with Molly and everybody in here is like, oh, I Don't know if I want to go to that.

You gotta like loosen up man god damn. so I was at a. I went to a rave.

It was Molly.

But I got from free, from a black guy on the street.

Did you at least get laid at the rave? no,

The last time you got laid a Week ago. Okay. So, like, how did that go down? You have a girl, a steady girl. in Chicago.

We broke up. Yeah, you broke up a week ago about. okay. So what happened? take us through that process?

Oh, man, It's okay. All right. This is a show about honesty. Oh, that's the sound of her leaving everybody. We have the audio of her leaving.

I'm out of here, Alexander. You're fucking boring.

Okay, so what happened? I felt that she was about to tell me she loved me and I thought better to get out now.

Whoa.

This. can you believe you? Every pussy in this room just dried up.

Yeah, because it's I, it's because I. I have feelings for someone else.

Yes, I know Yeah, and I felt wrong. I felt like it wasn't right to stay in the relationship. So I ended it. That's that's why, oh My god, this is the only time women would be like, where's the retard?

the Spongebob.

Holy shit. So what made you think she? first of all, how long were you with this girl that you thought was going to tell you that She loved you? only like two months, only like two months. and what made you feel like she was going to tell you that she Loved you.

Well, we were. you know, she was inviting me over to meet her friends and things were Moving along. so I just felt like what else. what else was moving along? She?

it took two months for her to introduce you to her friends. That sounds better than right on pace. No, but but just I don't know. She. we just spend a lot of time together.

It felt like we were getting close. Ah, just, I just got nervous. I guess there's the sex fun. Oh great. Yeah.

So what was it about the other girl that you liked more? Who knows? you would know, motherfucker, only you would know. It's a question for you that only you could answer. What, literally, I'll tell you.

who doesn't know? Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, huevos rancheros and Michael Gonzalez. Eric Griffin, Jim Florentine. What's your name? He doesn't know, he doesn't know.

Drew Nickens might know.

Okay, All right. Okay, Well, let me tell me, go ahead, Eric, um, so you were. you're in love with one girl. Yeah, then you started seeing another girl for two months. No, no, no, no, no.

No, when I started dating my girlfriend, okay, I did not have These feelings for this other girl. I thought I was over her. It was a previous engagement I.

Well, guess what Janet's here now. Janet, come on out.

Jim, I Just want to know what the girl's gonna say. She's gonna see this, obviously this episode, Yeah, that he broke up with her right before. she's gonna say. I love you. What is she gonna think?

Yeah, I mean, I I tried to explain. and did she know about the other girl?

Oh, shit, oh, my god, you got to put this episode up tonight.

I'm gonna give you a little joke. book Alexander. We got to keep the show moving along. No doubt about it, and during.

It's my fucking show. I decide everything that happens here and I made a decision in my own brain and I thought to myself, you know, Alexander Took so much energy out of this fucking room that I'm gonna do something. I've never done before. I checked to see if somebody had another minute ready. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the return of Drew Nickens.

But the internet is forever, And you know, they have kids, porn stars and ain't kidding. there, Jaden, They'll be like, hey, clean your room, and they'd be like no, mom. I saw you got gangbanged by ten guys. I'm not doing anything. Well, I have a real skeleton in my closet I.

You're gonna want me so badly. I fell up in that pussy like my name is Sean Bradley. Thank y'all so much, Holy shit. a minute 20 seconds from Drew Nickens, The first ever comedian to do two sets on kill Tony in its history.

This motherfucker came out the second time, like all right, it's good to be back.

He comes out wearing a leather suit. Yeah, we opened the curtain. Riley was like.

This could be the biggest comeback in comedy history, this is the I've never. this is unbelievable. Yeah, 30 minutes against us to him, one kiss, the energy. it came out the second time, the confidence. It is Unbelievable.

He's a new man. 30 minutes ago. Nobody knew what a Drew Nickens was. He came out literally to 70% of the people got on their feet. I don't know if that translated to fucking The video, but it is unbelievable.

We want drew. people are yelling over here on the side of the room. drew. How did you feel after that set?

Thank y'all for giving me a second chance.

Drill.

Get some panties ready to throw up here, too. How about a hand for Heidi, ladies and gentlemen?

Heidi's gonna All right.

All right pulled another name out of the bucket. make some noise for Jordan Shelby. everybody here we go Jordan shell.

Hey guys, my name is Jordan. Thank you, I'm, I'm 29. If I've, if I've learned anything in my life, It's that the saying is true Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man how to fish and two years later. It'll fuck your girlfriend.

This joke is for Steven.

Why'd you do that?

You guys ever think about what? uh, what white gang signs would look like? oh.

What's up, motherfucker?

You're on the wrong block, bitch.

Oh.

Kick your fucking ass, brother. Oh, I'm Jordan, that you guys have a good night everybody. Wow, Jordan Shelby. That was fucking amazing.

Oh, My goodness, that was great man. Hi, how are you? Good? Are you? Jordan works here at the mothership full-time?

Have you been on this show before, though, I can't remember. no, never, and it's kind of crazy. I've never seen you do stand-up before, you know. Sometimes I randomly will walk through the back of the little boy while some people are on and this and that, but I never have Gotten to see you and you. I'm gonna be honest with you.

I'm gonna be honest with you for some reason. I didn't think you would be that funny. You don't seem to be that funny, But it's like a big misdirect. when you are, it makes it a surprise, and that's fucking awesome. Your stuff is very, very silly and well-written and smart and not expected at all.

You kind of look like you would be like a stoner kind, of like dumb joke guy. So when it's kind of smart and silly, it's a relief and a fun release. Eric Griffin. Yeah, man, I gotta say too, after all that energy from the other guy, you came out here. You did it steady, a little rocky at first, But then you hit him, hit us with the Steve joke.

We all were like this. Okay, good. Finally. Somebody's funny. So now, good job, man.

That really was good. Fantastic. How long, how long have you been doing stand-up? about seven, seven years. all of it here in Austin, Where you from first three were in LA?

Oh nice, mainly open mics, and then I moved out here with Dylan Sullivan. Oh, yeah, we love Dylan. comedy store guy. We did you get to spend some time at the comedy store before I was kind of too early. It was like a fortress, so I was just hiding doing open mics and then, when the opportunity to come out here, I came with Gotcha.

Yeah, absolutely Amazing. So, seven years and you're from LA, originally. Mm-hmm, born and raised. Yes, sir, Which part? Hollywood proper until I was like 11 and in the valley.

Wow, Wow, being raised in Hollywood is crazy. That is such a rare, interesting thing. What did your parents do for work? My, my dad's, from LA too. He plays the saxophone.

Oh, wow. That's all he does. Oh shit. Yeah, look out, Carlos. Oh, so.

Raul Vallejo or Fernando Castillo, I'm not really. that might be. I'm not really sure which one that is. I'm just kidding. It's Carlos.

Oh, so I'm kidding. I'm kidding. It's way less ranch arrows. I know which one it is.

Yeah, your dad plays the sack. yeah, my dad's so much better than that guy at saxophone. no, stop it. No, he's not you crazy bastard. Carlos plays with fucking Zach Brown in football stadiums every Saturday.

He's not raising children on this dirty streets of Hollywood.

So your dad does that professionally, yes, at a high level, pretty high. what are some of his like? what does he do regularly? He only plays. he's really good saxophone.

It's all he does. but like where? where does he play? Oh, yeah, the last time Phil Collins was touring a tour with Phil, he's okay. Okay.

All right, okay, Okay, that's a fucking name to drop. Okay, that's respect, mate, checkmate.

What's his name? He's gonna love George Shelby, George. Hi dad. Hell. Yeah.

Hello. Hello, son. Thank you, It wasn't Steve. It was me all along.

What the fuck.

You're a funny guy. Jordan fucks me, not my girlfriend. Am I right? Oh?

Daddy, I was not right. They hated that. they hated that. That's crazy. I'm Jordan.

I love it. What do you do for fun in Austin, Texas? Oh, man, just doing this, I'm a do this amazing, amazing, and I watch parkour videos and.

That's about it. fuck, yeah, yeah, just grinding. I love it. I like your style, man. What's the longest say you've ever done?

30 something, 30 something plus. Yeah, amazing. Yes, sir. I'd love to have you on the secret show if you can get out of work. Thank You, Ryan.

And a big joke book, Jordan Shelby. welcome to the kill, Tony universe. That was one of those jealous jokes, you know, like. wow. That was amazing.

Very, very funny. Very, very distinct, cool voice. Oh, thank you. So how about a hand for Heidi? everybody?

Come on a.

Little fucking Jesus. All right. Yes, I'm gonna get trashed tonight.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, we've been having fun up until this point, and now it's time to go to one of the cornerstones of this Show. this young man is a fucking sensation, You know, um, you love up. this is a brand new minute from kill Tony's own, Kim Patterson.

My, My uncle had, uh, he smoked a lot of crack. He'll crack it. And he had relapsed a couple days ago. He came back home. when I was back, He had like a bunch of lumps on his face and when his arms was broken, and um, that's not funny, bitch.

And he was telling the whole family he was like I was in a really bad car accident. I Did not relapse on crack and everybody like nigga. you realize, I promise I did not relapse on crack. I was a really bad car accident and a couple days later He was like nephew, keep taking to the store real quick and I took him to the store. He would, I let me tell you some.

everybody in the family Believe me when I say I got in a car accident But I really relapsed on crack And I was in the western of Atlanta and these young niggas was beating my ass cuz I had some money on me. They tried to distort me right and I want him to get my money. come out a bitch, right? And I was out there, beat me up and I thought I was gonna die. And when I thought I was gonna die, I said hey, hold on, stop.

Stop, beat me up, Wait a minute. if you gonna kill me, let me smoke crack one more time. They say no, they did, nephew. They let me smoke some crack and they let me go home them. some good people.

He said. He said I didn't relapse on crack. crack saved my life.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable. you did it yet again. Right, I ain't know if I did that one, yet. I was scared. Hello, did I talk about crack at this one time?

Well, we're gonna find out, that's for sure. Tell us about. Yeah, I've never kissed a girl in Austin before.

We'll see about that. we'll see about that. 90% of the girls that come up here for the kiss me segment, Oh, you would literally be like, no, I kissed a girl. I'm good. I'm good.

I can throw, I'm Yeah, when I, when you said I was like this is gonna be some big-ass ogre, dirty, ugly bitch. Yeah, and then, and then, Yeah, right. God's daughter, walked out.

Damn, it was truly unbelievable. She is beautiful. I love you.

I know where she had. I love you. Yeah, I know I've seen the whole. I was here the whole time. I've been in the room.

I Love her. Yeah, It's okay. You kissed the retard, baby.

Unbelievable, Un-fucking-believable. She works at the Betty, the best new bar in Austin, Texas. You gotta fucking, go there sometime. I know got a sub hanging out in the fucking freezer of comedy. Go hang out sometime in the actual city I.

Griffin, you've seen cam before. No, I'm this. I just feel Riley might be a little scared. Why would she be scared of me? Well, I don't know who is she?

Oh shit. I mean.

Shit, I would want to ask Riley.

Who her father would be most disappointed by.

Jim Florentine, I saw Riley run out of the room. That is incredible, cam, why do you have a Robbers mask on? it's not, it's a ski. It's a skiing mask. I'd be going skiing sometimes.

All right, cool. I'll be thinking about shit like that. like Dave Attell, There you go.

I Think I did a couple days with Bert and some arenas. That was cool. Oh, hell. Yeah, Great Bert Kreischer. Yeah, that go, it was.

it was amazing. It was a great learning experience. I was with, uh, some real veterans of the game. So it's cool to be around and see, like, you know, saying all that shit was don't have fun. after, though, It was dope.

We made knives and shit. Okay. Yeah, we made knives when we played this golf. That's not a good game. I hate that game.

Really? Yeah, this golf is fucking stupid.

Game all time. I hate this. go. Wow. That's incredible.

I just made that cuz. I'm not athletic enough to do other sports Like what. just stay here. Fuck the head. Just stay here and throw it.

It'll be fine. Fuck y'all. Fuck y'all. at this golf I lost real bad. That's fun.

You just gotta have somebody fucking show you how to do it. You got to keep your arms straight. I did. You went like. I can already tell the fuck you were doing.

I already. I know you well enough to know how you would throw This.

Yeah, these just said you'd be flailing. you be flailing around, would you play disc golf, nigga?

Would you? would you play disc golf? are you talking to the blind guy?

D madness, I guarantee you is better at disc golf than Cam Patterson.

He understands the fundamentals and aerodynamics of a disc. Jim Florentine Cam, keep keep touring with birth, then you'll be playing pickleball soon, too. Yeah, that game's stupid, too. Yeah, it's a corny white people play. I made many tennis.

Fuck y'all man.

That's why I like to call it stupid little tennis.

Call it dumbass tennis, can we talk about the bitch again? I love her. Yeah, You want to throw your disc in her, huh?

You prefer white women over black women, I know I would not answer that question on this show.

Let the record show that it's the first time in his history on the show that cam has pleaded the fifth I.

Love my grandma, nigga, you crazy.

I love it. Well, I mean cam. what can I say? You're a fucking. you're the man.

You did it again. You make it look easy every single week. It is not at all. and anybody who fucking thinks it is a double dog, dare you to try it? You're the man, cam Patterson on tour.

Go to his link tree on his Instagram for tour tickets. I love you, white bitch.

She was throwing him hearts the whole time, but I didn't want to like tell him that we got to keep moving along. Ladies and gentlemen, back to the bucket, we go. Thanks for noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for dubs general. dubs general.

everybody Here. he is dubs general.

I'm afraid of retarded people.

When I was growing up, my mom worked at a place we called it the helmet place Cuz. everybody had on helmets. My dad would drop me off at my mom's job and say go and get your mama. You know how scary it is at nine years old when you hear this sound.

It's okay, they're not in here. Um, The reason why I'm really afraid of retarded people is because I watched the movie the Goonies.

Anybody else? just me if you didn't, hey.

Y'all know, the retarded people are the strongest people on earth. I Was watching this retarded porn don't judge me and the dude was jacking off and he ripped his whole dick off. He's like.

All right, that's enough for me.

My name is Dove's general. y'all. Thank y'all. Don't you do it? Hold on a second here.

Hold on a second here. First of all, I have to pre pull another name out of this fucking bucket. You just did a whole set Minute long. you said retarded 15 times. Sure.

How do you think it went? Better than the last time? Wow. I can't imagine what happened last time. Better than last time.

I mean what the fuck happened last time?

Last time I got zero laughs and then I said that I opened for you. He was like, yeah, you didn't do well, Right. You reminded me that I let you open for me in one show at the improv in Tampa, right? He shows Tampa. Oh, you did too, and Tampa.

Okay. Yeah, we had two in the same night. Yes, right, and it didn't go. that great did. right now it did, and I can't do Opening and not doing great because it doesn't set a good tone for the show.

But that's right. You reminded me of that. I was just asking about the set, but you reminded me of an entire terrible evening of comedy that you did. There we go. Jim Florentine.

I didn't know. David Lucas took Ozempic.

But you know what I'm just gonna. I'm gonna keep it moving along here. you already have a little joke book, right? No, I do not, you don't? no, sir.

Okay. Well, here's one. Appreciate it. There he goes. Dubs general.

ladies and gentlemen, and you know, I mean There's many, many names in this bucket. Like I said, 250 names. but every once in a while again I just have to fucking use my power. and you know when a guy does a minute and he wants to say the word Retard and he wants to make Goonies References during his set. I think there's only one thing we can do.

I present to you a brand new minute.

When I have a head injury I.

I.

I Love her.

She said.

And then she came in. she goes. we glad she's like. I got the soft way. I Opened up my dating apps and it looks like a special needs bus.

There was a girl with a colostomy bag.

Ladies and gentlemen,

What's going on back there? I think I don't know. get some of that? I don't know, but it's just Riley and Heidi back there I.

Don't think it's hard to figure out what's going on back there. That's guys busting nuts and taking names. Holy shit. How do you feel, drew? I feel so good right now.

you know, of course.

It's unprecedented what's happening here? It's a true break from format.

From now on, people that do great on this show are gonna be like I did great, but they only had me up once.

I'm famous now. I can sell tickets for the rest of my life. But I mean, I'm no.

I Mean months.

It is great, you crazy bastard Eric Griffin, yeah, this feels like one of those feel-good episodes of American Idol, you know, I mean Like. you're gonna have to do like a whole package about him before.

We're gonna have to go to the Air Force Base.

We get to talk to the guys. like, you know, I didn't know when I hit him that it was gonna be like this.

Well, that guy's gonna get killed. yeah, they killed. Tony. fans are gonna find that. motherfucker.

just give us, give us some names.

Oh, My god, Jim, I think the kiss turned his whole set around. Yeah, you know, he started off. I mean, first of all, he does like his worst material when he first comes out, and then he has his killer material of. second And third time. Oh, yeah, he's coming out guns, a blaze, Like why wouldn't you do that the first time, this stuff that you did?

He's brain damaged.

What kind of question is that? where have you been?

It took three. it took three. it took three sets for Jim to be like, what are you retarded?

True, this is amazing. What's happening here tonight? It is. I love it. We're having fun in this goddamn room.

I'm telling you go back there, come up with another minute.

There he goes. we got to give him moving along.

What's up, I believe in conspiracy theories, but I have friends. I believe in a weirder conspiracy conspiracy theories. So I always try to out conspire them. You know what? I mean fight fire with fire.

They always tell me weird conspiracy theories. Tell me, Josh. Did you know that the earth is flat? and That's what I tell him. with what sort of him?

with? yeah, but did you know that the Olsen twins killed Bob Saget?

Think about it. everything they touch dies their career, Their appetite.

Heath Ledger.

Sorry, a lot of full house fans, I'm sorry, I'll go ahead and cut it out. guys. I'll cut that out. I Also believe in another dumb conspiracy theory. I don't believe that Stevie Wonder is really blind.

Think about it. He's been telling us in his songs this whole time. Isn't she lovely? How would he know?

Very superstitious, Right, you know, how would he know? there's? Thank you. I Think we're getting to the point now where people purposefully aren't laughing, so that I bring out drew. You gotta really earn these laughs tonight.

My goodness Josh Castro. You look like an unfunny Jared Nathan. You know Jared Bad to the bone, never heard of him.

Oh.

Mentally challenged. who's Also funnier than you. Oh, man. Geez. There's a lot of a lot of amazingly Talented, handicapped white people that come to this show.

Yeah, Let this be a message to all the pretty white women in here right now you could change the world with a kiss.

Just one kiss from you. one kiss from you, one kiss from you could change. well, I don't know if it can help him. Josh is indeed struggling. Your glasses are fogging up from the insides.

It is incredible. You are sweating. You're nervous right now. Okay, how long you been doing stand-up? a couple years now, in about nine years.

nine years, Did you say. a couple years, nine years? Yeah, a couple years, Nine years. You know that a couple is two.

Like a happy couple, two people, and then you said nine, that's a jump, That's a cool. That's a fucking jump. a couple. So, okay. How long have you really been doing in nine years?

Yeah, more or less. Okay, we're at. where have you been doing the nine years up here? starting? I started San Antonio and then I came up here to Austin for a while.

So I've been here, out here in Austin. You live in Austin. I live in the outskirts of Leander. There you go, There you go. That makes sense.

What do you do for work? I? Work at a taco truck. Oh Shit. All right.

Yeah, Michael Gonzales literally just goes fuck. Yeah, Is the most Mexican shit humanly possible? What are your tacos like? They're called drowned tacos. They're called el perritos.

That's the name of the restaurant down south. Okay, Michael, guys, do we know about this place? Try it out. I've never heard of it. El perrito.

Yeah, el choco. There you go. Oh shit. Someone knows about it. Yes, it's pretty badass.

Is it your taco truck? No, it's my friends. Okay, so you just work for your buddy? Yeah, I work for my friend. Okay, does that pay?

well? It's a job. so it gets me by Gas money. All right, gas money, indeed, Do you live by yourself? Yeah, pretty much.

when you say pretty much like I mean your answers are so Diabolically insane what I think he means. he lives with a couple people, which is nine.

One for every year, there you go. You know, I live with this happy couple. It's a fucking, this 17 of us.

holy Shit. Okay. So when you say pretty much, what exactly do you mean? I have a roommate. They just moved out.

So oh Okay, why'd your roommate move out? Just didn't work out. Yeah, why didn't it work out? She got pregnant?

The chute on. she got pregnant, but not by you, but she was Latina as well. Yeah, absolutely. That's what they do.

Uh, okay, so she got pregnant and she moved in with the guy that got her pregnant. I'm guessing she left. Okay. So are you looking for a roommate now? We're good when you say we.

When you say we, who are you talking about?

Me and my wife.

You said you live alone.

10 years with your wife.

And what does she do for a living? She works at a bank. She works at a bank. Yeah, what does she do at the bank? She's a teller.

Yeah, okay, She works at the bank and you have kids. no kids. Howdy. How is it? She's Latina as well.

Yeah, how is it possible? You've been with the same woman for 10 years and you don't have a kid. What exactly is going on over there? You're not eating your fucking horchata down the highway.

What's going on?

What, what does that mean? it's a different drink. it's a different drink lemonade. Your cum is yellow. I Am lost over here.

My goodness gracious. You don't have sex.

Why is your cum yellow? what I'm just saying? it's not. it's not yellow. It's.

You're not fucking your wife, yeah, Shoot-oh-shoot-oh like a tutor, like like. I'm out of it, like it like a cinnamon stick. Yeah, more. Okay. So you're saying your cum comes out solid?

Before it's fried.

Amazing that taco truck money is not, you know, amazing. Are you coming inside of her? Yeah, You've been coming inside of her for 10 years, more or less, more or less. How's that possible? Can't be less If it's more.

More. we're trying. we're trying. you're trying, we're trying. Where do you think the problem lies?

Oh look, it's me. It's a, it's a. It's a blind musician that conveniently left before you started accusing Stevie Wonder of not being blind.

Somehow, D. Madness, his instincts are so strong. He knows exactly when to go take a fucking lemonade.

Didn't know, you didn't know. have you ever seen the fucking show before? What do you think? He just fucking has a handler and then wears goofy glasses and doesn't ever look directly at it anyone. It's a lot of commercial break.

So I didn't sit in those. I've never what?

Josh, you're Wild dude, I don't know whether you should be less retarded or, honestly, this episode. I think, maybe perhaps being more retarded might help you, seeing how this episodes gone, but What?

Get out of here, Josh. there goes Josh everybody.

Ladies and gentlemen, I mean, well, what the fuck? You know, I present to you a brand-new minute.

I used to play you yo, that's why I get all the bitches.