#667 - ADAM DEVINE + HARLAND WILLIAMS - LIVE FROM THE YOUTUBE THEATER

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. And now, please rise for the singing of your national anthem by Kill Tony, legend Aphrodite.

Oh, say, can you see by the dawn's early light What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight.

O'er, the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming And the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting up in the air Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.

Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave?

Here in Los Angeles, California, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hinchcliffe.

Los Angeles, who's ready to have the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh?

Yeah! Yippee!

Fuck yeah!

Feels good in here. Make some noise for Brian Redban, everybody.

Oh, hell yeah. Unbelievable. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? You finally get to see them live. A little taste of Austin, Texas.

Make some noise for Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, the legend Jet Ski, Jesse Johnson.

And I don't know if you were there Friday or not, but we got two motherfucking drummers. now. That is the return of Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez.

And the motherfucking backbone himself, Michael Gonzalez.

The one and only Daniel Mandelman on the keys.

Matt Mueling on the electric.

And that is indeed the one and only Dee Madness on the bass guitar.

Both of our legendary artists are here drawing tonight's episode. Since episode very early on, the tens of episodes. Ryan J. Ebelt is here and Austin's own, Chris Rogers, is here. They both have blank slates and their drawings begin now.

A lot of fun stuff lined up for this one, folks. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

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You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

I'm going to be bringing out your guests throughout the night, and slowly but surely. We're going to start with one guest right now, and I absolutely could not be more excited. This is a guy that I have had the pleasure of doing comedy with for over 17 years. He is one of my favorite human beings, one of my favorite comedians, one of my favorite comedic actors. This is his first time ever being a guest on Kill Tony.

You know him from The Righteous Gemstones, from Workaholics. Ladies and gentlemen, the great and powerful Adam Devine!

Oh yeah, baby! Let's fucking go, LA! Yeah!

Let's fucking go. Adam Devine. Hey, everybody! All right! We're in it.

Welcome to Kill Tony. We have another guest joining in just a few minutes. Traffic's fucking still crazy here in LA. Adam, how are you, my friend? Really good.

Thanks for having me, man. This is going to be fun. We're going to have a blast. Yeah. We're going to meet some people.

Good to be here, guys. I think they're excited. This place is wild. How's the fucking balcony doing tonight, huh? Yeah.

All right. All right, you rich fucks. We got some fucking energy in the damn house tonight. I am so pumped for it.

We are going to have a blast. Now, I'm going to pre-pull a name. Adam, you might not know how it works, but over 200 human beings signed up for the opportunity to get 60 seconds on this stage tonight. You know your time is up. when you hear the sound of a kitty.

That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Unbelievably scary. How frightening is that?

So I pre-pull a name, but to start tonight, how many of you were at the show on Friday? That's a pretty good amount, which means a lot of you might not be in the know with what happened with the rematch of Rick Diaz and Hans Kim. And while we were starting the show with Casey Rocket for quite a long time, I figured we would start the show with the winner of that match. A story, an undeniable full Supreme Court victory all across the boards, winning by five judges and ten decibel points. But instead of me introducing him, I figured I would bring out someone special to introduce him, someone that we were the first comedians and comedy show to ever show you this man.

He is one of my favorite human beings on planet Earth. Nothing gets me more pumped in this world than watching him work. So to bring up our first comedian, I'm happy to present you from episode 100 of Kill Tony, from episode 500 of Kill Tony, this is the return of the voice of the UFC, Bruce Buffer!

And.

. now!

Your first comedian is a legend of the game. He went from an open mic to sleeping in his van to being an international superstar. right in front of your very eyes. He is the reigning, defending, undisputed regular of the show and the new member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame!

Bullshit!

Holy shit. I want to touch a shirtless dude right now. It's good to be here. I've been listening to a lot of Afro-Latino beats.

Mostly Rihanna. A lot of people don't know that she made a lot of Afro-Latino beats, but she did, because she's Afro-Latino and she got beat.

Thank you.

I don't understand women. Women are always trying to look beautiful and hot and sexy, but then they get mad at me when I want to fuck them.

It's like going up to a guy at a basketball court who's wearing basketball shorts, and I'm like, hey, do you want to play basketball?

And he's like, no.

I'm here to dance with my friends.

I think owning a dog makes you a pervert, because whenever it's peeing, you have to stand right there, staring at him, holding a leash tight around its neck.

That's going to turn anyone on after a while.

That's my time, thank you!

Wow, look, who's back, everybody.

Spitting fire, Hans. Good to be back. Hello, Adam. The sweetest little, honest, autistic boy you've ever seen in your life. I never get sick of it.

You know, if you ask him any question, he'll answer it honestly. Really? Yeah. When's the last time you masturbated, Hans? Just this morning, Tony.

Me too. You got to clean the pipes, right, Hans? Yes. You got to. Well, I'm a little taken aback, because I was doing my research.

I watched the show, but I was like, you asked me to do the show, so I was like, I got to beef up on my Kill Tony knowledge. And the Internet was like, fuck, Hans Kim.

Internet was like, this guy fucking sucks.

He always kills in-house. It's amazing. Undefeated, in the room, despised on the Internet. We're not quite sure what it is. I wouldn't say despised.

You would think the incels would protect their own kind. I'm the only Asian that doesn't translate digitally.

I love it. There you go, Hans. Keep killing, buddy. Thank you, Adam. It is incredible.

So how's the last 48 hours been for you? You had the night of your life, Friday night. You dominated against Rick Diaz in a two-minute battle with months of anticipation. And immediately afterwards, we were going to induct you into the Hall of Fame, whether you won or lost. So you got the double whammy.

Huge win and Hall of Fame. How'd you celebrate?

I called my girlfriend. She kind of yelled at me a little bit. What did she yell at you for? Just because I was having a great night. Oh, yeah.

Deserved, yeah. Isn't it ex-girlfriend, by the way? Well, yeah, technically.

It's a messy thing. Oh, boy. So she yelled at you, and I saw you at one point at the Comedy Store, huge smile on your face, and you had a Hall of Fame trophy that you got on Friday, and you had a phone charger around your neck and a bag of McDonald's.

Yeah, you know, you can take the man out of the van, but you can't take the man out of the man.

That is unbelievable. Did you just write that right, then? Yeah. He is blossoming before our eyes. My God.

Our sweet, sweet Hans, Kim, all grown up, amazing. So what else is going on, Hansi? I'm having a great time staying in a beautiful mansion. Yes. Wow.

Indeed, you are staying in Pauly Shore's absolute monstrosity of a mansion. We're all very lucky to be... Well, I'm really lucky to be a huge part of the Comedy Store, and I was nice enough to share it with my dear, dear friends. Thank you, Tony. I've been using his moisturizer.

Right. Your phone would have made more sense. But, yeah, your wallet. Sure. Jerked off in the kitchen.

Yeah. You jerked off in the kitchen? No. Is that what you said? You jerked off in the kitchen?

I'm calling Pauly right now. This is crazy. I was dropping some righteous gemstones in the kitchen.

Reference. Hot ref. Is that what you call your cum? Does it come out solid? That sounds like a problem, dude.

You've got to go see a doctor. Luckily, I have a vagina. Yeah. Wow. Unbelievable.

Hans, what else is going on in the world before I let you go? I'm just partying. I'm having a good time. Flying my drone. There you go.

All this checks out. Yeah.

A couple episodes I watched, it was a lot of talk about you doing a bunch of cocaine. Are you still into the coke? You're in Hollywood now. This is coke capital, USA. Yeah, how could I refuse?

when in Rome, right? Have you been getting a little tootsie up your newtsie this weekend? I haven't done it on my butthole, but yes, I've been snorting a bit of cocaine. Here in LA this weekend? Sure.

What do you mean, sure?

You don't got to be cool with us. I also haven't done cocaine this weekend. We're being real with each other. We don't have to do cocaine. It's fine, guys.

When you do cocaine, Hans, do your eyes open up more?

Everything looks like a line to Hans. No, but my penis does.

It does? Wait, the hole? The hole, yeah. It relaxes. Oh, sure.

What'd you say, Jetski? I said everything looks like a line to Hans.

Oh yeah, when Jetski gets a good line, everybody pretends like they're at Jetski. I'm going to coach Adam through this, so he doesn't think we have the most retarded audience on Planet Earth.

But we kind of do. But I love it. In the best way. I like it that way.

Hans, anything else? I love you guys. Thank you for fixing my career.

Fixing it? We made your career, Hans, and then you fucked it up, and you are correct. We fixed your fuck up. Thank you. That's all I really wanted.

You got it, my friend. Why don't you put the mic back in the mic stand? You got the show started again. Everything is exactly as it should be right now. The fun train has begun.

And you know what? Since it's Mother's Day, I figured, before we get to our first bucket poll, why not pull up who I believe really, truly could be Hans Kim's mother, a legend of Kill Tony. This is a brand new minute from one of our favorites, Nicole Tran, everyone.

We're working, girl.

I like to visit Chinatown.

Chinese people are very organized. They always have all their ducks in a row.

Everywhere I go in LA, I see sweet James billboards.

But in Chinatown, it's sweet and sour, James, man.

I got caught at a sobriety checkpoint. The cop says, have you been drinking? I say, no. He says, are you smoking? I say, I'm wearing a brand new miniskirt.

Why don't I get out and you tell me?

Nicole Tran, you did it again. Joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. You are something else. Thank you, Tony Hinchcliffe. You really helped me build a household name.

Now, everywhere I go, everywhere people recognize me. You are Kill, Tony, girl. Thank you, Red Band, for all the time. And you really support a lot of comedians of diverse culture. I really appreciate it.

What did you just thank Red Band for, exactly?

. My in-ear isn't working that great. I do need another one. I think it was heartfelt. I think it was a nice thing.

I also couldn't understand it. And I don't have a thing in my ear. I'm having trouble here. What exactly did you just thank Red Band for? I have to know.

Teamwork, bro. How about teamwork? Fair enough. Is that teamwork, bro? Collaboration effort, bro.

I'm a titty back girl? Is that what she told me? I think it was teamwork, yeah. I don't think it was titty pack. It was what Red Band thought it was.

Teamwork, bro. We'll be right, titty pack after these messages. Blue-eyed white guys. Goo-goo-ga-ga-ga.

Nicole, how's this trip to LA going? Do you live here now? I moved here now. When did you move here? I moved here a year ago.

What part of town do you live in? I live in Koreatown. That's the only neighborhood where you see an Uber driver on a scooter.

I love it, Nicole.

Sex appeal. I love white guys. Your haircut is that of a woman that always has just had sex. Yeah. What's up, bro?

That haircut be fucking, for sure. No, this is Paul McCartney haircut.

He has green eyes, though. No chance. Oh, wow. Nicole, playing hard to get over there. Oh, my goodness.

I'm very picky, bro. You're picky? What are you into? I'm famous in a good-looking white guy's kingdom, man. Hey, Tony.

Hello.

Yeah, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Nicole, with guys, do you like them more sweet or sour? I like romantic ones. I also like Latino, man. They're handsome, man.

Wow.

That's a way to.

. Muchísimas gracias para venir aquí a apoyar a la comedia de Tony Hinschel.

What the fuck? You just speak Spanish. Say thank you. Thank you for them to come and support your show. Hold on, hold on.

Michael, what did she just say? She said thank you for all the Mexicans.

That's not.

. Muchas gracias, Nicole. Muchas gracias. We need to throw him a Spanish book, bro.

He got a promotion but should improve the English language skills.

I learned how to roast, Tony. You learned how to roast? Yeah, I learned how to roast, bro. Roast what? Pork chops?

Chicken barbecue. Oh, yeah. I love it. So what are you roasting? Just roast you.

Okay, you're going to roast me. It looks like he got that jacket from a Nordstrom rack, you guys. 19.95 cents.

Hey, hang on. What do I look like then? I think I might be the only one that can kind of understand you up here. Hit me with it. You look like a banker that's about to give me an interest and charge 35% for cars.

It's a sharp interest rate.

Pretty good, bro. That's why I moved to Hollywood.

Tony, I wish you were still in the comedy store, so you could put me on main stage.

One time. You're back. Appreciate you. What about the comedy store? I wish you were still there.

Yeah, I bet. I should get on main stage. Right. You're the only person who appreciates my talents the most, you know? That's true.

Absolutely.

I set up my standard pretty straight. Can we get subtitles on this? I have a song. I have a song, okay? You have a song?

Yeah, let's do it. You know what? Before you do that song, just hold one second. I want to bring up a second guest to join the panel. I want him to be here for this.

Ladies and gentlemen, another one of my favorite comedians, another one of my favorite comedic actors of all time, and the current frontrunner for Guest of the Year 2024, this is the return of Harlan Williams. Oh, my god. Oh my god. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen.

He's back.

Hello.

No,

Harlan, you can't do that, buddy.

I'm a singer, not a wrestler, bro. Do not show off my shirt. Did you say I'm not a wrestler? Can I sing? You want to sing?

Ladies and gentlemen, doing a song, Nicole Tran, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely, I'd love to hear it. Here she goes. Put your.

If you are a blue-eyed white guy,

let's go, get some steak and lobster.

Are you writing this right now? I let you pick up the check.

Wow. Beautiful. Wow. Unbelievable. Old, bruised eyes.

Put your lips next to.

ears.

Are you talking to yourself?

We love you. We do. We love you. Blue-eyed white guys in my.

heart. Oh, my God. Adorable. Absolutely lovely. There she goes, everybody.

She did it again. The one and only Nicole Tran, everyone. Nicole Tran, everybody. And please follow me on Instagram. Okay, Nicole.

They're gonna follow you. Nicole Tran comedy. Thank you. There you go. Your dinner's ready.

There you go. No, it's the kitten. The dog. I really liked her, Tony. She was fun.

She is fun, yeah. One more time for Nicole Tran. Nicole Tran.

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we go. We've already wrangled this person. They're ready backstage. We're gonna meet them all together. This is where shit gets crazy.

Could be somebody's first time. Could be a local legend trying to make it big here tonight in front of the best comedy fans on planet Earth. Make some noise for 7E7,. ladies and gentlemen. Here we go.

The bucket has begun. Destiny has chosen out of over 200 people, 7 E 7.. Oh, look who. it is, everybody. The lovely Heidi.

We have ring card girls.

Here he is, everyone, making his Killtony debut, 7E, 7.

How's it going, guys?

Yeah, I recently found out on what you would call in the black community as whitewashed. But it got me thinking, what makes me whitewashed? What is it? And I realized it's because I pronounce my words correctly.

So, instead of axe, I say ask. Instead of saying finna, I say I'm going to.

Instead of nigga, I say nigger. I just.

Yeah. Yeah.

I've been with my girl for nine years.

Miscarriages.

Yeah. Oh, on Mother's Day, too. Fuck yeah. Happy Mother's Day. Not to me, though.

Hey, that's my time, guys. Thank you so much.

7E7.

. Welcome to the show, my friend. Thank you. How did that feel up there? Felt pretty good.

Wasn't bad. How long you been doing stand-up? A little over a year now. What do you do for a living? Just a warehouse, worker, man.

What kind of warehouse? Something like UPS, but worse. Okay. Yeah. All right.

Mysterious. Aw. So you basically carry shit around all day. Yeah, pretty much. And you miscarry stuff at night.

I got to ask you a question, bro. I see the ring in the nose, right? Yeah. I've always wondered. I got to ask.

I used to be in the military. If I pull that out, will you blow up 10 seconds later?

I'm looking down to find out. Well, I was joking, really. Now I think you might have to. Fuck me in the UPS box. I think that might be the answer to your question.

That's why you're whitewashed. It's the nose ring. Yeah, I've gotten that. Yeah. Got a little double nose ring there, huh?

What's going on with all these piercings? That evens it out, though. Thank you. What's going on? Will you have other things pierced, too?

Used to have my nipples pierced. Wow. You ever pierce your eyebrows and hang a shower curtain on your face?

Pierced nipples. Do you ever get the feeling that the reason why your girlfriend can't get pregnant is because she's a dude?

Makes sense. That would make sense. Yeah. Good news is, cream pie city, bro. Hey.

How long have you been with this girl? Nine years.

Wow. Oh, my God. That's a massive family of miscarriages. Happy almost Mother's Day to her. I take it back.

I immediately didn't like. I said that.

I mean, imagine if God loved you, you'd have a huge family right now.

Probably right about that. Now, is it always like a surprise? or at this point, are you guys like, any day? now? I'm just ready for the news at that point.

Does she get excited when she gets pregnant? I know I do. Why do you? I want any fucking kids. Not right now.

Oh, you don't want kids. I get paid $17 an hour, man. I can't afford a kid. Right. Especially six or seven.

Yeah. Have you done anything to cause these miscarriages?

You ever push her down the stairs?

So the name 77.

that's a God-given name. I got my ID. if you want to see it. Yeah, it's Hollywood, man. You can say whatever the fuck you want to here.

It was just in your pocket, loose, like? I just carried it around with me. Dude, this is a blockbuster car.

I mean, if your last name was 7, what made them go first name 7?

. That's how many miscarriages they had before he was born.

It runs in the family.

It, runs, it, flushes down the toilet in the family. I don't know. I guess they just liked the number. I mean, my brother's name is 6.. Are you serious?

Where were you guys fucking born? On Sesame Street?

Their father's the fucking count. 8..

Fuck. You ever have kids, you won't have any trouble coming up with names. Come on in for dinner, C-3PO, you little bastard.

you really like. 7-7.. And your middle name is Evan. 7-Evan-7.. His father's Dr.

Seuss now.

Do you live with a fox in a box, by any chance? I mean, you work at UPS, you probably fucking should.

Fucking awesome, dude. That's like the coolest name in the world. And that is, Red Band's, obsessed with the number 7.. Hold on, let me see that. You're not reading his name, you're reading his driver's license number.

It also says that you were 245 pounds? I was. What did you do to lose the weight? I stopped eating fried chicken, mostly. Wow.

How does a person with your blood flowing through you stop eating fried chicken? It takes a lot out of me. That's why I'm lighter. You lost how much weight? About 40 pounds.

That's the same weight as about 7 babies. Yeah, exactly.

Sex, male, cannibal, yes. Here, put that away, it smells like your ass cracked. Now, did you give up fried chicken, cold turkey? I did. You really stuffed that joke in there.

I let it marinate for a little bit, and then I put a little dressing on it. Yeah. It wasn't easy, but I mean, you know, my girlfriend's Filipino, so I just, I eat a lot of rice now. Right. Okay.

She's Filipino, huh? Yeah. What's her name? Filipino girls always have the most exotic name. 6-5-4?.

You know what that sound means? What's her name, bro? Her name is Princess Jamaica. Princess Jamaica. What the fuck?

Did you just say Leia, and round this whole fucking thing out? Princess Leia, R2-D2, C-3PO, and that guy's fucking wig.

Her actual name on her ID is Princess Jamaica? Yeah, Princess, Jamaica Akkad. Does anybody believe you guys, ever when you leave reservations anywhere, ever? They believe her more. She goes by Jamaica.

Yeah. Princess Jamaica, by the way, a new flavor at Baskin-Robbins.

Well, she ain't Jamaican any full-size babies, that's for sure. Stupid. Stupid.

She liked me first.

Went from there. What high school did you go to, guy? Upland High School. Yeah, alright. A lot of Upland alumni here.

That's around here, I'm assuming. Yeah, there's 15 right over there.

Most Kill Tony fans only make it to high school, so it's exciting that there's that many people from Upland here. That means a lot here.

7E7.

. Congratulations. Here's a big joke book. You made your Kill Tony debut. Thank you, guys.

The show has begun. Congrats, 7.. Thank you guys, so much. Congrats, 7.. There he goes.

7E7.

. Let's keep this fun train moving along with a very, very special treat. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the legendary regulars of the show, here, with a brand new minute. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to present to you the one and only, the rabble rouser himself. Casey Rocket.

Cool.

Take me to the river.

God, such a bad boy. Who cares? Jesus. Such a stinker. Yeah, he'd piss your dick.

We're having fun. All right. Such a stinker. Yeah, I'm basically a bad boy. People call me the Al Capone of the L.A.

comedy scene.

Because I have untreated syphilis. All right. Very cool. Starting to lose my touch on reality. All right.

Very cool. God, such a stinker. Jesus. Get dunked on. Dunked on Capone.

What a world.

Dunk it on Capone. A Star Wars story. We're having fun. All right. Nobody there.

All right. God. Always dunking. A, B, D. Always be what?

Dunking. Who's with me, boys? That's why people call me the Dwight Howard of the L.A. comedy scene. Because I am secretly gay.

All right. Very cool. Come on now.

In honor of the big night,

Oh, please don't. All right. There we go. That'll do it. Thank you.

Wow. Casey Rocket has done it again.

The boys are back. Amazing stuff, Casey. Pretty cool. Wow. What a process.

Ready for a special. I'd watch that. Fuck. Dude, I love this outfit. I've wondered my whole life what a clown looks like without its makeup.

Actually, they put a lot of makeup on me. I have makeup head to toe, not just the face. Wow. I love it that they moved your pubes up to your chest. I thought of an experimental, but they pulled it off.

Thank God.

The Dutchman's key. Wow. The prophecy was true.

Nothing, apparently.

The Dutchman's key, making a very rare appearance. His entire performance, that was in his mouth. Yeah, I wouldn't. I would be careful with that. That was...

There's no hiding the Dutchman's key. There's no running from it, either. It's all around us. Odd to explain to your doctor how you got syphilis, whoever caught that key. What's that key for?

I don't think we've ever figured out what does that key go to? I've tried it on thousands of locks.

I think when I'm ready, I'll find the right lock for it. I think the Dutchman's key has to find you. Yeah, it's a sword in the stone situation. Have you ever stuck it in the front door of an asylum?

I'm home now.

5150, my ass. So cool. It's a California thing, I think. 5150,. I do believe that was the name of the last comedian.

So much fun. Incredible. Adam, what do you think about this guy? I actually have before. I'm a huge fan, Casey.

I'm not going to lie. I was excited to see you shimmy on out here, and you did not disappoint. It was cool to see Harland's act done better.

Shots fired! Toe to toe!

Casey has an incredible fan base. Yeah, she likes it. Drake loves Casey Pocket. He DMs me about him. Oh, you guys are against Drake now.

The owner of YouTube is a huge fan of Casey Rocket.

Casey, what do you think about all these high clientele fans that you have? What? A lot of high clientele fans. Oh, okay. The Dutchman's Key.

I've said it many times. It's not good for basically anything physically. Mentally, it does wonders, but physically it's very detrimental. Thank you for saying that. It's so cool to be here tonight.

I am such a tremendous fan of both of you. You have been such a huge impact on my life. It's so cool to meet you guys, truly. It really is. You guys are incredible.

Thank you. Very cool. Casey Rocket doing his impression of a human being there for a second.

Hey, Casey, can I ask you for real, dude, because I love the outfit. When I was doing stand-up, when I was getting started, I'd wear crazy stuff. Where did you get it? I really, truly want to know where you got that outfit. Bigger and taller?

I got it at Iguana Thrift Store and it was $200.

. What? It's very expensive.

Buddy, it was too much, right? I probably paid too much, right? Yeah. I really wanted to have it, and I think they knew that. Yeah.

I think it was a Pawn Stars thing, so I think they kind of pushed it off on me. Way too much. Not to bring you down, but I saw the same suit for 99 cents at Ross Dress for Less just last week. Are you thinking about getting it tailored? That could be one of the largest tailor jobs ever done in the history of man.

That would cost $2,000.

Or you could just give it to Red Band. Hey, shut up. Whoa, Joel Berg. Joel Berg. Joel Berg.

Is that a Steve Harvey? It seems like a... Do you know what brand that suit is? It's a Mr. Dunch.

It's a Dunchman's. Yeah. Isn't that a coffee? They do all kinds of stuff. Mr.

Dunch, they're branching out. It's like Beats by Dre. They make cars now. Wow. Absolutely incredible, Casey.

It was good. Thanks.

Anything else before we let you go, Casey? Another amazing performance. Thank you, guys. It's been so fun doing Kill Tony lately. It's been so fun, guys, so thank you for welcoming me and letting me have a couple riffs.

I want to thank Tony and Red Band and all you guys. It's been super fun. Hell yeah. Keep riffing. Casey Rocket, ladies and gentlemen, and back to the bucket.

we will go yet again. There. he is, the man himself, Casey Rocket. Grab it out of here.

Here we are with our second bucket. pull of the night. Ladies and gentlemen, the person getting an opportunity of a lifetime goes by the name of Tolu Agunblade. Tech Daddy Alpha as well. There's a lot going on there.

Tolu Agunblade parentheses Tech Daddy Alpha. Here we go. Here's Tolu Agunblade.

Yo.

I went to a Black Lives Matter protest to pick up white chicks.

I was like, so you like niggas.

Common misconception, you see a white woman with a black man and you think, oh, she's not racist, right? That's not necessarily true, though, because women fuck guys, they hate all the time.

You can't blame them for hating us, though, because men are selfish pieces of shit. We want the big titties. We don't give a fuck about their back problems.

We're like, oh, I could put a cup on her booty. That's because she's got scoliosis, motherfucker.

That's why her ass sticks out like that. Speaking of which, everybody's eating ass these days. It's trending.

Yeah, y'all know. Eat shit used to be fighting words back in the day.

Tolu Agun Balade. Am I saying that correctly? Agun Balade? Oh, yeah. I am saying that correctly.

Yes, Tolu Agun Biade. Biade? Biade, yes. It's a Nigerian name. I can tell.

Yeah, I found out I'm part Irish, so I made these for St. Paddy's Day. And I found out I'm part black. Hell yeah. From the waist down.

No. Not true. 120 of these for St. Paddy's Day. We all got our dicks sucked for St.

Paddy's Day. Nice, dude. Wow. Absolutely incredible. And you think that wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for the shirt?

Probably would have, yeah. How much did the white girl that sucked your dick weigh exactly? I do love big, beautiful women. Absolutely.

100%. Absolutely. A Nigerian delight, we call that.

What's the biggest woman, if you had to guess the weight of the biggest white woman that you've ever been with? What would that weight be? What would the weight of the white be? Welcome to another episode of Weight of the White. Just like Mike Epps said, man, if she's to some, we can do some.

Super saiyan BBWs. You know what I'm saying? What does that mean? Super size. Big, beautiful women.

Seems like that's what we were talking about. I love big booties. I love those big, those deep crevice booties. You know, the kind. you can spread the ass cheeks apart and wrap around your whole pelvis and shit.

Oh, shit. That's what I'm into. Tulu, can I just say I love your... Tolu? Tolu, yes.

Tolu, thanks for correcting me. You got a tight butthole, bro. Thanks, dog. Hell yeah.

Can I just say that I love everything about you? I appreciate that. I like your whole attitude right now. I'm a big fucking fan, bro. I love your shit.

Thanks, Tolu. So you take the butt cheeks and you spread them and climb inside of it like Luke Skywalker climbed inside of that animal to stay warm on the planet Hoth and Empire Strikes Back? I'm sorry, what'd you say? Nothing.

Harlan Williams, what do you think about Togu Agumbayade? I just I see that clover on your shirt, right? Yes. And I'm thinking to suck you, are you really that lucky?

Well, you know, instead of kiss me, I'm Irish. You know, I'm part Irish, so, you know, but I'm mostly black, you know, so. Bullshit, really? And I really get my dick sucked. Do what?

Are you telling me? you're mostly fucking black? I'm mostly black, yeah. You're going to look me right in the fucking eyes, guy. I knew this was going to throw him.

Fuck this, I'm out of here. No, Harlan, no! Come on, man. No, don't leave, Harlan. Harlan.

Don't leave, come back. Come on, buddy. You're black, I'm a little Vietnamese girl. How about that?

Suck me, I'm Vietnamese.

And that's the name of a dish I prepare in the kitchen. Suck me, I'm Vietnamese. I need it. You will. So, Tolu, how long have you been doing stand-up?

I've been doing it seven years. Two serious years. First, five years was kind of like a hobby. Okay, and two serious... Where are you at?

Where do you live? I live in Lawton, Oklahoma. Okay, Lawton, Oklahoma. Drove 20 hours here. You made it!

When he's not in Oklahoma, you can find him at the end of a very dangerous rainbow.

Facts. Are there a lot of black people there in Oklahoma? Yeah, yeah. Are there a lot of black Irish people there in Oklahoma? I'm probably the only big dick Irish man.

What do you think is the most Irish thing about you? What's that? What's the most Irish thing about you? I got a temper, sometimes.

Nigerians, don't have.

. You ever get a temper? Do what? Do Nigerians have a temper? Nah, they're chill.

That's the Irish in you, dude. What's that? That's the Irish in you. Yeah. Nigerians, we, um, I don't know, we just, you know, we want that account number.

bullshit. Yeah, no doubt about it. So wait, say your name one more time, man. Tolu Agun B-I-D. Okay, so that's on your father's side, so if you're half Irish, your mother's maiden name is...

Primus. Primus. Optimus Primus? My middle name is Miller. What?

Your middle name's? what? Miller. Okay, I don't believe that for a second, you know that. Miller?

When your first name's oo-la-la-woo-hee-ha-ho-ba-la-la, Miller ain't fucking cutting it, guy. What does your name mean? Uh, so, uh...

Got him! Red band's on fire on the soundboard tonight.

Got him!

But you guys can call me, uh, Tech Daddy Alpha. I would like to call you that, Tech Daddy Alpha. What do you do for work? I was working at FedEx, um, right now I'm Ubering, I'm, uh, I don't want to talk about, there's gonna be, like, a lawsuit, but I can't really talk about it. Oh shit, this guy's the goddamn CEO!

But I got other interesting shit to talk about, though. Okay. Like what? Uh, well, I'm a cage fighter, um, I, uh... Whoa, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on a second.

Really? Hold on. How many cage fights have you been in? Uh, probably about 30... 30-something.

Wow. Wow. How many of you won? Oh, well, okay, so my, uh, my amateur record... Amateur record, eight and four.

Pro record, five and ten. I've had a bunch of boxing matches, some kickboxing matches. I fought in, uh, in February, won a fight in a minute and two seconds with the D'Arce Choke. Well, that was, it was Black History Month,

He sees you.

Word. indeed. I love it, Tolu. Uh, I was friends with the serial killer once. Okay.

Was it Lucky Charms? Very good.

You beat me to it on that one.

Cause you're Irish, but you're definitely not. Okay, go ahead. Oh, I was saying, I also got, almost got shot by some homeless people by creaking the cave in Austin. Yeah, that's normal. Who hasn't?

Right, I mean, that's just natural. What were you doing? You were just walking, and what happened? So, I, uh, came to the show, um, it was a few months ago, and, uh, we stayed at the Sheraton, so it was like afternoon, I wanted to get something to eat. I went, I was going to that gas station by creaking the cave.

And so, there were two homeless people standing outside. They were obviously homeless. One didn't have a shirt on, and they were asking me for 20 bucks. And I was like, I ain't got 20 bucks. And so, one of them pulled a knife out.

And so, I pulled my pistol out, and I just had it right here. Hello. Tit for tat. The Texas way. And so, but, but the other guy, he was crazy.

He was like, oh, my partner's got one, too. He's like, bust it. Bust it. And so, you know, I'm looking at these dudes, and, uh, I'm not a fucking murderer, so I just, like, look at them, and they just look like... You're just a nice and easy guy.

I'm a nice guy. Yeah. And, uh, you know, they... You're a chill guy who pulled out a pistol. They look, I mean, I tricked myself.

So, yeah, they look like, you know, homeless guys, so I just went to the store, got something to eat, and I'm walking out, and, uh, they're walking up on me, and, uh, I'm like, I don't want any problems, and the dude just pulls, he draws on me, and he's.

. I'm just like, maybe about, like, as far as that thing is right there. And so, he had me, and my reaction was to put my hand up, and I said, stop. And I don't know why. I thought I was Neo from The Matrix or some shit.

Yeah, you commanded him. Yeah. And at the same time, just a reflex, I'm going... I go for my gun, but I'm too scared to actually go for it, because he has a drop on me. Right.

And plus, your hand gets caught on your giant cock.

Your cock's wrapped around it. Yeah, it's... It's the safety. It's the safety. So, uh, anyway, luckily, there was a cop driving by, so he puts his shit up, and I left.

And he's like, black guy, get on the fucking ground. Arrest.

And then he gets on the knees. He can't help it.

He reads it and sucks. Well, Tolu, Agun Biade, a.k.a. Tech Daddy Alpha, congratulations on getting pulled out of the fucking massive show. Thank you very much. Tolu, great to meet you, buddy.

Good work. Good job, buddy. Good day, my friends. This podcast is sponsored by True Classic. They make us, fellas, look good and feel good, no matter how we move.

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com slash Kiltonian. Save up to 25% off your first order to discover the perfect blend of summer vibes and timeless elegance with True Classic. Shop now and elevate your summer wardrobe with great ease. Let's do something fun, ladies and gentlemen. I'm going to introduce one of the greatest regulars, one of the first regulars and greatest regulars in the history of the show.

This young lady was, we had no idea what we were doing with this fucking show when we fucking built it, but this young lady had to write and perform a brand new minute every single week. 11 years ago. She's back for a very special performance. This is a brand new minute from the great Sarah Weinshank, everybody.

What's up?

I think gender fluid sounds like another name for cum.

I feel like there probably aren't too many murder mystery dinners in Compton.

Nobody's talking about it, but food.

If you can't handle a full piece of cake, you do not deserve good pussy.

What are you doing? Slice into a block of cheddar with a knife like a man.

I went to my first strip club recently, and I loved it because it was the exact same sensation as going to the duck park.

And the ducks only like you when you have bread.

Fuck yeah, Sarah Weinschenk, unbelievable. Minute 45 seconds from the person who was the first to have this crazy job. A hot 45.. 11 years ago. Absolutely incredible, Sarah.

I love that. you still have that wacky style of taking little things. well enunciated, very clear to understand. Great timing. What'd you guys think about Sarah Weinschenk?

Well, I.

. Yeah, she was great. I do take a little offense when you said, like, guys can't eat string cheese. Well, you can, but then you're gay. But the way I eat it, and I think, because I'm not stripping it off, I deep throat the string cheese.

So I think that makes me a straight heterosexual man. That makes you even more gay. No. What about this? Not the way you set up that joke.

No, it doesn't. I take it, I take it, and I spit on it, and I shove it up my ass. Even straighter, Tony. Even straighter. That's the straightest way to eat it.

Straightest way to eat that cheese. Harlan Williams, you like a good piece of gorgonzola. every once in a while. You like to chorg on a gorgonzola? I actually grill my string cheese.

It takes forever.

But I'm sort of distracted a little, my tender, tender love, by your giant ring. You have a big, like, kind of Dracula-esque ring on your finger. Can you tell me a little bit of the history of that heirloom, where it comes from, what the significance is to you and your family, and what it means to you personally. And I don't really give a fuck anymore.

No, tell me about that ring. That is a beauty. I'm sort of like hypnotized by it a little. Well, first of all, I love an accessory. So thank you for noticing.

You're welcome. It's from this brand, German Haberski. They sent me all of my rings. Shout out to them. Hell yeah.

That is indeed a good shout out. And you're Jewish, so you like free shit. I do. More rings, please.

But does it mean anything? Like, is there any symbolic meaning? Because it's so elaborate. It's almost like a hood ornament. It's huge.

Like, is there any significance? Any meaning? Am I gonna have to ask you any more times? Make something up. Harlan, won't stop.

Make something up. It's a family heirloom. It was gifted to me from my Jewish dead grandmother, who was a Holocaust survivor, Harlan. Oh, my god. I knew it the minute I saw it.

Still not over, that, huh? No.

My goodness. Incredible. Wow. How did you get that? Schindler's ring.

Holy fuck. How did you get it from her? She was able to keep it during the Holocaust? She was just out there bawling while people were looking for grass to eat? Totally.

She was dishing out favors to the guards. I think she might have hid it in her attic.

That's her pussy.

Sarah, you're so fucking funny. So awesome. Everybody loves you. You're a killer. I'm so proud of you and your growth.

Congratulations on making another appearance on Kill Tony. Thank you for coming.

You know this young man very well. You were there right after he lost his virginity. He's 21 years old, but he doesn't look it. This is a brand new minute from Golden Ticket winner Heath Cordes.

Because of all the cum.

Yeah, puberty lied. Puberty told me that I would break five feet, get a deep voice, and get some muscles.

But all I got was some acne, pimples, public erections, and a mustache inside my asshole.

I was at an open mic last night. I was gonna try something new and I almost got scared and didn't, but then I remembered if something scares you, that means you should do it. So I tried it, and now I have a coke habit.

Thank you!