#668 - SAM TALLENT

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hinchcliffe!

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Yeah.

Hello, everyone. You made it. Welcome to the number one live podcast in the world. Kill Tony, brought to you by Talkspace, Mood and Chubbies. Hey, look, it's Brian Redband.

Hey, everybody.

Oh, my goodness. How about another hand for the best damn band in the land, ladies and gentlemen? Our horn players got stuck on the runway in Virginia, but we have one beautiful Mexican here, Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, Seth One joining us on the keys while Deez is with Gary Clark Jr. And this is the great and powerful D-Madness on the bass guitar.

Oh, my goodness, gracious. How exciting. So much fun planned. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

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You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show, or what? We're back, baby. We're back home, where it all goes down in beautiful Austin, Texas. One of the best comedians in the world. One of our favorite guests ever tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the return of the great and powerful Sam Talent. Oh, yeah, baby. Here he is. These people get it. We got some real comedy fans here tonight.

Sam Talent, one of the best in the world. We love him. Come on in. The great and powerful Sam Talent is back. Welcome, Sam.

Hey, I just want to commend you on your great performance on the roast. It was very good. Thank you so much. This is the first episode back since then. First episode back in Austin.

Who wrote those jokes? It was me. No, I watched it with my mother-in-law and she was blown away. Yeah, it was amazing. She was.

She's not an easy.

. That was a compliment. It's very good. I love that. It went Drew Bledsoe than you, I think.

Oh, you like Drew Bledsoe? I'm a big Bledsoe guy. He sent me a case of his fucking wine. And I'm not a big wine guy, but I gotta tell you. I cracked one of these bottles open the other night, smoked a blunt, drank some wine, and it was so good.

I ended up getting drunk all by myself. Just drank a fucking bottle of red wine. I think Drew does that a lot. Yeah, I think so. He had like puffy stop sign face.

Oh yeah, he's good. He licked his top teeth a lot, I noticed. Yeah, because he was blasted on blow. Yeah, probably. Yeah, it's in his last name.

It's amazing. It is amazing. We had so much fun. A lot of football fun out there. You're a big Bronco.

Peyton Manning was there. That's right. Yep. There were some jokes I didn't get to do because I thought Peyton originally was going to be out there the whole time. And I probably shouldn't do it.

It doesn't make sense to do it.

You guys want me to do it?

Yeah, there he is. There he is. I'll be Bert. So I was going to say there's a cult. There's a cult and a...

Thank you, Red Band. Shut the fuck up. No one knows what the fuck you're talking about, you retarded, retard.

You want me to be Peyton Manning as Bert Kreischer? No, no, no, no, no. It's okay. Let's just leave Bert out of it. Let's ignore everything that Red Band says.

It's been a while since you've been a guest on the show. Let me remind you, Red Band. Let's just ignore him completely throughout the night.

Uh, we have a cult and a bronco here, and that's just Peyton Manning. And we have a brown and a stealer, and that's just Sam Jay.

Because black people steal things. Not D-Madness, though, because he can't find where our pockets are. All right. All right, Peyton. Thank you so much.

How about a hand for Peyton? Manning? Sam has been on the show numerous times. One of the great guests in the history of the show. You know how it works.

And an extraordinary amount of people.

216 souls signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of this bucket. If I pull one of their names, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know the time is up, and you hear the sound of a kitty. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then I interview them.

The entire show is improvised. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show, or what?

The first name has been pre-pulled. And while they wrangle them from across the street at Poor Choices, a bar here on 6th Street, we will start the show with one of our esteemed regulars. Fresh off of an unbelievably unanimous decision victory in Los Angeles, California. He defended, and we used a fucking volume meter thing. What's that called?

Fucking volume meter thing. Decibel meter. We used the audience. We used everybody. It was completely unanimous.

Ladies and gentlemen, sing it. if you know the words. This is the return of Hans Kip.

Now I know how black people felt during Jeremy Lin.

You guys ever notice that the more recently we bomb the country, the better their Uber drivers are?

I can't even imagine how good these Palestinians are gonna be.

Food and water, everything. they don't have there right now.

I can't believe we convince women to enjoy drag. Drag is just a bunch of men dressed up and acting like a cartoonish caricature of women. It's basically blackface for women.

Thank you. Exactly 60 seconds. A professional and, shall I say, the newest member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame. Thank you, Tony. Incredible, incredible achievement.

Joining only Michael Lair, William Montgomery, and David Lucas. I'm so honored. Hopefully, I can, you know, usually people enter the Hall of Fame at the end of their career. I hope I can continue to have a career. Yes, we hope so too.

You've done it here tonight. Sam Talent. I, you know, Hans, that was very good. Thank you.

Yeah, I'm also surprised. I said that to you, Hans. Yes, the Palestinian joke was great. All it took for you to write a good joke was a genocide, so that's good. That's a victory.

Yeah, usually I blast you, but, Hans, well played. Thank you, Sam. Game respects game, young Hans. I'd love to open for you one day. No, no.

Wow.

Let's not go crazy, okay? Yeah, no, no. You also sell more tickets than me because of this fucking joker over here. It is true. Hans' name is one of the biggest draws in America right now, so keep that up.

So God is dead.

And he's not coming back. No, no.

We love him. We love God here, here in Texas. Which one? The only one that matters, Joe Rogan.

Hell yeah. He is somehow more powerful than the Jews. It is incredible. It is incredible. When he gets fucking cloud seeding down, it's all over.

So, Hans, what's been going on in your world? You've been celebrating. What's happening? I've been drinking. I've been smoking weed.

I bought an AR-15 recently. Wow.

I've been really getting into shooting. It's a great hobby because everyone takes an interest in it. Wow. Why did you get the gun? that's hard for you to say?

. He swears it's an AR-18.. Very good. Very good.

So are you drinking and shooting the AR-15, or are those two separate things? No, Wednesday I did both. Okay. Are you hitting targets with that? Sometimes, yes.

Do you use like toothpicks to lift your eyes open, or something like that? It's very hard for me to see.

I'm left-eye dominant. What? I'm left-eye dominant. So when I hold the gun out, it's like, I got to go like that. Whoa.

Absolutely. It's bad for Andre Rison, though. That is true. You've seen the video with left-eye, her last moments with the Coca-Cola and she's driving, and then she swerves. You've seen it?

There's a video of her dying. No. Yeah, there's a famous video of her. We jerk off to different things, Tony.

I'm still good with big naturals, you know, but.

I'm right-hand dominant. But no, there's a video of left-eye, famously in her last moments, and she dies by pulling what we would call a Hans Kim into a tree. That's a car accident, everybody.

I'm actually trying to buy Red Band's car right now. Oh. Yeah. You have a gun, you don't have to try anymore.

Yeah, it'd be nice for him to get shot with something other than insulin. No.

What else is going on, Hans?

I am trying to win my ex back. I am.

Why? Why? All the fish in the sea and you love sushi. What's going on here? I just think that we have a connection and we have a bond.

and. The woman who broke up with you? Yeah. What's the connection? Yeah.

We enjoy door dashing food and, you know, playing Fortnite together. That's so fucking easy. You could just date an 18-year-old chick, man. That's all they love. And again, you have a gun.

Yeah, I haven't tried using the gun during dates. Oh, yeah. You know what you do? You put it in your mouth and you say, make my gun come.

Thank you, Sam. I'm happily married for 13 years. Hans is literally going to try that.

So, Hans, you did it. You started the show. Thank you so much. It's so good to see you back in the stable again. Thank you, guys.

Hans. Kim, ladies and gentlemen, kicking off the show. One of the legends of the game. Hans, stay away from Virginia Tech. It's been done.

And now it truly begins, the heartbeat of the show. The Bucket of Destiny has spoken. Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight. Now, again, anything can happen here. It could be the future superstar of the show.

It could be an absolute failure. Anything can happen. We don't know. Let's meet them all together. 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Coming up for Kaitlyn Kay, everybody. Whoa. Kaitlyn Kay.

So, when I was younger, I was anorexic and bulimic. And I used to have people come up to me and say, oh my god, what are you doing? I was like, I'm dying.

They're like, death looks great on you. Keep doing it. Yeah, I recently had an emotional breakdown. And I know that everyone can tell, because I got these obnoxious highlights. You know, have you guys ever gotten a haircut?

so bad your husband turns on location tracking?

Thank you.

I am controlling, though, in my relationship. I like to micromanage. All that means is that my husband microdoses mushrooms and then I manage it. It's great.

Also, a little fun fact for you all. The vagina walls are really strong. They can actually crack an egg.

It's called a miscarriage over easy.

Okay. It's a very happy audience we have here tonight. Very giving. Very giving. Very compassionate people.

Yeah. Defined by empathy. Kaitlyn, welcome to the show. How long you been doing stand-up comedy? Like two years.

Two years. Where at? Dallas. And now you live here or you're still in Dallas? No, I just come up from time to time to, you know, sign up for mothership.

And I've tried to sign up for Kill Tony a couple of times too, so. Okay. And here you are. Would you say that that's your best minute?

I mean, it's good enough. I've been- For what exactly? What is it good enough for? I'm curious to know where that's good enough. So, I've been trying really hard to not give a bunch of sex jokes.

Right. Because I feel like that's really easy to make jokes about it. So I've been trying to be a little bit more clean. And that was me doing that attempt. Yeah.

Miscarriages. Yes. Yes, good old, clean miscarriages. Everything up until that. Everything up until that fell flatter than your chest.

So, that's the only eight you're getting. are the bra size. It's true. It's true. Welcome.

You should eat a lot more and you'll have huge jokes.

It worked very well for me. I'll take notes. I'll take notes on that. Caitlin, what do you do for work? So, I have been a stripper and a sex coach for a while.

And I just- Where are you a stripper at? exactly? What dilapidated comedy club are you a stripper at? It's at the Lodge in Dallas. Wow.

What's your stage name? Bratz doll?

Or mad at my dad, Barbie. That one too. Yeah, no. It's correct. Don't do any more bits.

Fair, fair. Yeah, if you wanted a little bit, you could just look at your tits. Oh, okay. Just tiny little, tiny little yellow M&Ms, everybody. Who wants one?

There you go. All right. You look healthy. You know, whoever you got your hair from had a good hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thank you. Yes, you're welcome. Yes. It is incredible. That is- How many Dalmatians have you tried to kill?

The hairstyle is incredible. More than I can count. Yeah. Right. So, you're a stripper and a sex coach.

This is incredible. I don't think we've ever had a sex coach on the show before. What can you tell us? I'm right here.

Anyone need any tips? This is all you need.

This is all. This is it. That really is. That is. Come hither.

That is true. Yeah. Not bad. Go ahead. Give us some of your great advice.

Like, what is your- If you're a sex coach, what would your like? fumble rooski play be? So, a lot of it has to do with communication, right? So- Boring.

Oh, welcome to the kingdom of boredom, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, out of all the sex coaching, nothing better than talking to a loved one. Oh, don't you just want to hear their voice some more? after a long dinner? Wouldn't it just be great to talk about what you want?

Oh, I'm getting hard just thinking about it.

All right. What else? Doop, doop, doop, doop. All right, all right, all right.

Oh, no, Hans did something brave.

He finally earned a headline.

Okay, seriously, tell us about the communication that you're talking about.

Yeah, communication and oral is great because- There you go. If you don't do it, you'll go blind. Just so you know. Well- Remember what we said about bits. Okay, I'll stop.

Be yourself. You're an enchanting, you're a charming person. Thank you. Yes. Yeah, appreciate it.

So tell us more. I mean, that communication and oral, that's kind of like what? First base of coaching? What would be like your masterclass? Like if we paid vast sums of money, what would be the point?

Yeah, because it's hard to talk with your mouth full, you know?

That is also accurate. So, masterclass, it would be... Fuck me. I'm sorry, I'm nervous. I am not going to talk about communication again.

Definitely not.

Lube is great. First of all, lube is amazing.

A lot can.

. Lube can take you very far. Do they pay you for your coaching? That's like stating the obvious. They do, they do.

Yeah. Also, I have a talk show on Pornhub, but you can't find it right now.

Very good, Michael Gonzalez. Wow, I've never heard you fucking play the Pornhub theme like that. I thought you were saying very good, as if play her off. I thought, no.

Is that what that sounds like? God, I can't really listen to it when I'm on the bus, you know? By the way, Tony, you could still watch Pornhub if you have ExpressVPN. That is true. Use the promo code KILLTONY and save 20% off your first month.

So, Caitlin, you have a husband. Yes. How long have you been with him? Five years now. Five years.

What does he do for a living? Let me guess, plays bass in a rockabilly band. That's a great fucking guess. He's a lawyer, actually, and he's a comedian. So he signed up for this tonight.

Oh, jeez, Louise. Incredible. I really hope he comes out here. You guys seem to have a relationship built on humor.

How long has he been doing stand-up? He's been doing it for six years now. And so you saw him and you're like, I can do that.

Uh, I did improv for a little while and we met around the same time. You're not wrong. You're not wrong about that. Okay. All right, Caitlin Kay.

Well, congratulations on getting pulled out of the bucket. This is an official little joke book by The Great Bones Eye. Can you catch it? Here you go. Boom.

There you go. Very good. Good work, Caitlin. She goes, Caitlin Kay, everybody, getting this show started.

She's a sex coach, everybody. Oh, look, it's the lovely Heidi, everyone. You know, I love this band. I don't know if you can see them on the screen. You can pan around a little bit.

You know, you got the horn players, Michael Gonzalez. I just want to let all of you know, everybody, that I love you. And it can be therapeutic to hear that. And some of us can't afford therapy. And when I say us, I mean, I can afford it.

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com. Code KILLTONY for 20% off your order and a free THC pre-roll. All right, your next comedian, 60 seconds uninterrupted, going to Tanner Aurora or Tanveer Aurora, perhaps. Oh, okay, here we go. Hey, have y'all ever felt like punching someone in the face, but then you held back because you practiced this form of meditation.

called being on a visa?

I've been in this country 15 years, I'm still on a visa. That's insane, man. And, quite honestly, now is when I feel the most American I've ever felt in my life, because I was recently diagnosed with anxiety, depression, bipolar, you name it. I'm really trying hard to fit in with y'all, man. Come on.

I recently had a baby and I'll be honest, I never thought of myself to be like a dad, you know? I never thought I'll have that emotional connection with a child. But the day my daughter was born, I held her in my arms for the very first time. I got emotional. I started crying.

You know why? Because that was the moment I realized this little thing is a citizen of the United States.

Tanveer, Aurora. Welcome. Thank you. Thank you. Hi.

Thank you for doing a good job. Thank you. Thank you. It's been pretty tough so far. All right.

We had to pretend that Hans was good and then.

What did I miss? Literally nothing. Okay. That's great. That's great.

Immigrants for the.

. Well, let's move the bricks. Yeah. One step. I shouldn't have said that, sorry.

One step at a time. No, you're good. You're good. Tanveer, how long have you been doing stand-up? About eight years.

Eight years? Where have you been doing it for eight years? San Antonio, Texas. Oh, wow. Okay, that's where you live?

Yep. That's where you work? That's where I work. That's as far as you got, huh? You're like, I'm staying here.

Yep. Yeah. I moved from Mumbai, India, to straight to San Antonio, Texas. Wow. Whoa.

Don't ask me why. The Paris of South Texas. It is. Yeah. What made you pick San Antonio exactly?

It was.

. I don't know. I just happened... No one picks San Antonio like that, but... I mean, I love the city, but...

What did you do? You just blew a dart at the map?

That's my next place of attack.

Hell yeah. It was a reflex. I apologize. It was a reflex. No, I got a job there, and that's it.

Like, I came.

. What was your job? Trying to assassinate Indiana Jones? And I was successful, wasn't I? No, no, no.

He wanted that one. It's the temple of doom. No, I do IT. Oh, okay. What exactly do you do with IT?

Oh, you have a follow-up question.

Let's keep mining this vein. Yes. It's actually interesting. My new job is to, like, talk to... Your identities.

Hey, that's nostalgic as fuck, but.

. His new stage name is Scamp Patterson, everybody.

I actually have a story about Cam Patterson. Can I? Well, I mean, if you want to. Okay, sure. Is he going to like this?

Probably. So. Cam was in San Antonio just a couple of weeks ago and at the Station Comedy Club that I am part owners with. And Cam drops in. Everyone knows Cam.

Everyone's, like, excited about it. I did not know who Cam was. And I was just running a late show and I go in there and Cam's like, can I go up? I'm like, yeah, you can do three minutes. Oh.

And then I walk off and everyone gave me shit for that. They're like, what the fuck did you do? Right. He's Cam Patterson. And then Cam, I heard Cam say, apparently I'm not that big in San Antonio.

Well, at least you didn't call the cops.

I'm thankful for Cam. Yeah, for sure. Love it. So you're originally from Mumbai. What were you doing out there?

Oh, just living with my parents. Oh. Doing nothing. Studying for or finding ways how to come to America. Wow.

And what was your plan? How did you end up executing this plan? I got a master's degree in College Station, Texas at A&M. Oh, nice. No, fuck that place.

Whoa. No. Imagine. I moved from Mumbai, India, to fucking College Station, Texas, all right? No, that was...

People come to this country to upgrade their lives. I fucking was... No. No. No, it was...

I started slumming in America. That's not how it should have... No. Wow. Slumdog millionaire over here.

In reverse. In reverse. Incredible. Did you ride on top of the train the whole way to America? No, no, no.

He took a carpet, you fool. Oh, a carpet.

It's a shy one. Wrong and wrong. It was an airplane, y'all. It was an airplane. Oh, no.

That's not good.

Oh, no. We don't like your type on airplanes.

No, you didn't. I love it. What do you do for fun, Tanveer? When you're not doing stand-up comedy, what do you like to do? You ever go to the Lodge strip club and look at the tiniest tits you've ever seen in your life?

I have not, but that sounds like a good idea. after this. All nipples out there. It's all nipples. That's what they say.

100% nips. You can read her like Braille. Yeah. Yeah. D...

Yeah. Sorry, D can't read. If they're in a yellow M&M, there you go. I would try it, but, you know, I'm on a visa. I'm not risking that shit.

I'm not doing that. D, you can read. I lost D. All right. You have a baby, you said.

I do have a baby. How old's your baby? She's two and a half now. Two and a half. Yep.

Very good. And what does your wife do? Oh, fuck.

We recently separated. Oh, what happened exactly? Tell us. Give us the dirt. You're on a podcast.

Well, have you stoned her to death yet?

How enchanting was that flute music?

How many people watched this again? Millions. Yeah, yeah. The most. But in my defense, it was with a dude.

Whoa, wait. Tell us more. I'm hard as a rock. Ah, there you go. You shouldn't say rock around you either.

No, I actually say comedy. I blame comedy for it. It made me, like, explore. Like, okay, coming to America, I explored things. I learned about things.

And I'm like, all right, you can follow different religions. You can explore your sexuality. Shut up, dude. Coming to... Okay.

How good was Debussy?

How did you end up with the dude? What are you talking about? I went on Grindr and... You just wanted to experiment? This was the first time thing for you?

Yeah. And you'd never been with a man before? No. So you downloaded the Grindr app. Yep.

Right? Your heart's beating out of control. Yep. Because you're like, what am I doing? I've never done anything like this before.

This is crazy. You thought it was the DoorDash app?

That would have been hot, honestly, but.

. Basically, DickDash is what it is. So you download the app, and then what happens? Take a step-by-step through it. Shit.

Oh, shit. Downloaded the app, looked at a bunch of guys, talked to a few, settled on one, and sucked his dick. And then, this is unbelievable. This is. I cannot believe I'm saying this.

I love it. This is great. This is what a great interview looks like, ladies and gentlemen. How about a hand for Tanveer? Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Sometimes you just gotta take your medicine and swallow it. Speaking of which, did you finish him off to completion? Hell yeah.

Give me that green card now. Come on. Was he like, can I come on your turban?

You won't believe that's a fetish people have. Is it really? The number of times people have asked me to do, like... Wait, how many dicks have you sucked since then? We opened up the gateway, huh?

It's like I keep digging my grave. I don't know why I should leave. You're doing a great job. Thank you. Everyone's laughing.

Thank you. Thank you. Now, when you suck these dicks, did you at all...

Did you think about your newborn child at all?

Oh, my god. I am gonna cry. Everywhere you go, you have a comrade, so it works out for you. There you go. Red band from three...

I'll allow that. I'll allow that. Okay. So it sounds like, after you did this, you started doing it a lot more. Yes.

Right. It's kind of like it's your... I'm not ashamed. What? What, Sam?

It's like, it's your whole thing. now. It defines you.

Have you been.

I'm in comedy as well. Right, of course. You're sucking at many things at once.

So is that your thing, mostly just sucking men's penises, or have you experimented with other things as well? No, that's it. That's what I would draw the line. You just love sucking cock and having a good time. Yep.

Telling jokes and sucking dicks. That's my thing. Would you like to do a spot at the Secret Show on... Fuck yeah.

Thank you so much. Okay, you got it. Actually, just book them. Who gives a fuck? Five minutes.

All right. Thank you so much. No, hold on. I got more questions for you, Tambir. This is too interesting.

I think there's a lot of people at home that are stuck with a wife they don't love and are probably thinking about doing gay shit, and I want them to hear more about your story. It might keep them up at night, honestly. Yeah. Yeah. Has this made you happy?

Has it brought you joy? Honestly, yeah. Yeah, it's freeing. You don't have to hide it anymore. This is who I am, and it's out there.

It's who you are. Absolutely incredible, yeah. Thank you. Thank you. If people in India watch this, I'm fucking banned from India, by the way.

Just not allowed there now. That's good.

It's very true. It is. Like, my parents are going to disown me after this. Like, this is happening. Well, hey, at least you get to do the secret show.

Exactly.

I'll find a sugar daddy on that show. So how many San Antonio dicks do you think you've sucked? Have you sucked all the dicks?

Interestingly, no Indian or Pakistani dicks yet. My man.

True American, man. Like a real American soldier.

Absolutely. All right. Well, Tanvir, very amazing interview. Fun set. Thank you so much.

Here's a big jumbo for Tanvir. Congratulations. Welcome.

All right. We're having fun. All right. We're cooking.

Tanvir left his wife and a baby to just go suck cock. You gotta love it. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Miller Ford, everybody. Miller Ford.

What's up, everybody? I'm Miller Ford. I have been told I look like Matthew McConaughey. With Down syndrome. At least that's what my mom always told me.

My eyes are too close together. It checks out. I don't know about you guys, but I hope whoever hired Pete Davidson as a celebrity spokesman of Taco Bell got a raise, because I've never seen someone who looks more like how Taco Bell makes me feel. Tattooed and pale on the inside. Yeah, I'm in a successful relationship right now.

It's my first age gap relationship. I think it's going well because I just went to her graduation.

I did not know middle schools had those things. Yeah, everybody. Every time I tell somebody I'm in an age gap relationship, they look at me like I'm some kind of creep or master manipulator. That is not the case at all. I met my girlfriend the normal way.

I was her fifth grade PE coach. Yeah, I just got her number. We stayed in touch during holidays, and I checked in on her mom when she was sick, you know? So guys, thank you so much. My name's Miller Ford.

It's awesome to be here. Okay, wow. Someone enjoyed it.

I'm glad you're having a blast, Miller Ford. That was creepier than it was funny. Thank you. It's a frightening set. How long you been doing stand-up?

Three and a half years. Oh, Jesus Christ. No way. Yeah, oops. Oops, is right.

What? I tried. It's like talking and the jokes into the microphone? Yeah, yeah, you know. You didn't say how long you've been standing up.

Ah, it's true. Stand-up comedy? Today, yes, stand-up comedy, yes. Three and a half years. Where, at?

Where have you been doing this at? In Aspen, Colorado. Okay, yeah, killing it. There's a crazy open mic scene in Aspen, let me tell you. I've seen you, I saw you, I saw you.

Yeah, yeah. Wow, man. What do you do for work? I manage a restaurant. Okay, what restaurant?

It's called Pussyfoot Steeps.

Wow. Okay. How old are you? I am old. I'm 43..

43 years old. Yes. Managing a restaurant in Aspen, wow. Do you have a pituitary disorder? I do.

You do, right? If I knew what a pituitary was, I would... Why haven't you aged and you look frail? I quit drinking eight years ago. That was a helper.

That's one of your better stories. What made you quit drinking? What was your bottom? Oh, I drank a lot, so I... Oh, my bottom is actually, it went viral.

Did you get your dick sucked by that guy? Not yet. Okay. Tell us about your bottom. that went viral.

Well, it went viral, so it's really easy to access. All you need to do is type... Why don't you just fucking tell us? It's okay. It's just Miller Ford Aspen.

Just type it in, Miller Ford Aspen. And I said something funny to the police when they were arresting me in the New York... The Associated Press picked it up afterwards. Did you think it was funny? or was it actually funny?

It was funny. when I read it, like two years later. You didn't tell us what it is? It was... I said to the police when they asked me, is that cocaine up your nose?

I said, of course it's cocaine up my nose. And then that, we just went. And it was everywhere. And then the next thing you know, you're managing... A restaurant.

Trickle-down effect works there, so it's nice there. Okay. How did that make the fucking news? I don't know. The New York Daily News picked it up two days later and then it was on smoking.

Yes, Nick Nolte. Wow, look at your head there. Holy shit. Oh, my God. Yes.

You look like T.

J. Miller. Thank you.

Oh, my God. That is incredible. The love child of Nick Nolte. Wow. Now, when that guy got that picture taken, were you funny then?

Yes, to certain crowds, I would say. What makes you stay in Aspen? Why Aspen? I love to ski. I like the people.

The community's great. Trickle-down effect works there. You don't snowboard? I don't. I'm a skier.

Why is that? Have you tried it? No, I have never tried. I tried snowboarding and I was like, I'm going to hurt myself doing this. I should probably stick with it.

You made us all bored tonight.

That's how villains are created, ladies and gentlemen. I have nothing to lose. I manage Pussyfoot Jenkins Seafood Restaurant in Aspen, Colorado. Hans, can I borrow your AR-15??

Incredible. What's your love? life like? You seem like your dick doesn't work.

It's good. I've been in a very happy relationship for the past three years and it's been nice, man. What does she do? She is currently out in California counting spotted owls. Oh, yeah.

So she's completely made up?

Thank you. That is the most insane pussy lie I've ever heard. No one can call you on that. besides well-known ornithologists. I've lied about getting some snooch.

Don't worry, man. All right. Yeah, my wife was born a woman.

Wait, I think I hear a spotted owl.

D-Madness is doing that with his hands somehow. I don't know how he's doing that.

So let me ask you, do you believe that she's just out in California looking for spotted owls? You believe her? You trust her after hearing Tanveer just cheated on his baby mama with dicks?

It's a wild world we're living in. I do believe she's just counting owls, yeah. Okay, so you think you dick her down hard enough for her to go to California and just check out owls, and she's totally happy? What's your special move in the bedroom? I don't think it's the dick.

It's more of the mouth. What do you do with your mouth exactly? Can you show us? Can we get some pussy eating music and a spotlight? One, two, one, two, three, four.

Oh, that's her asshole, bro. That's her ass. Oh, whoa, whoa, okay. How long is her clit?

It's a combination of both. Okay, what do you get? Wait, don't lick the microphone. Put the microphone down. There you go.

Show us. Okay, there you go. Now he's getting into it. Face the audience. Show them.

Oh, oh, whoa, oh. Keep going.

All right, that's good. Miller Ford, anything else crazy. we should know about you, about your entire life? You know, that, and, yeah, man, I have so fucking, I never have signed up for this. I came to Austin to do the open mics for a month, and all of a sudden they said my name and my brain just fucking exploded.

And I'm so happy to meet. you, see you, Sam, again. And it's just, dude, Austin, this is fucking awesome.

Look out at the audience. Are your eyes slowly getting closer together? He's turning into a fucking cyclops right in front of us right now. Miller, here's a joke book. Congratulations.

There he goes, Miller Ford. Thanks, everybody. All right, we're going to do something special right now, live on the show. You're going to get to meet a brand new comedian. I met her after I did stand up at the Ryman Auditorium, aka the Grand Ole Opry in Nashville.

There was a big comedy festival going on. And my squad told me that she's an amazing comedian. She said she's coming to Austin. I said, I guarantee you a spot. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Kill Tony debut.

The first minute ever done by the great, brand new Fiona Cauley, ladies and gentlemen.

Fiona Cauley, everyone. Make some noise for Fiona, everybody. You can do better than that. All the way from Nashville, Tennessee, her Austin, Texas debut and her Kill Tony debut. All at once.

One more time for Fiona Cauley, everybody.

We can talk about it. Um, so I've been in a wheelchair for a few years now. And the most common question I get, people want to know what is the hardest part about living life from a wheelchair. And, you know, for me personally, the hardest part is just how unaware everyone is of what a great ass I have.

Take my word for it. Um,

y'all know how men will brag about like, ah, I fucked her so good she couldn't walk the next day.

Rude.

Well, I'm looking for a man who can fuck me so good that I can.

Fiona Cauley has arrived to the Kill Tony universe. Hello, Fiona. How are you? You are the hottest chick in a wheelchair I've ever seen. And he's done the research.

It's a thing. Old Hot Wheels over there.

Uh, so, Fiona, what is, uh, first of all, hilarious. Amazing. Yeah. Great work. Great jokes.

Thank you. Funnier than all the bucket pulls.

Yeah. Amazing. Um, so what is your condition? Yeah, I have a rare neurological disease called Friedrich's ataxia. It's progressive.

It affects your muscles. So it's going to get worse. Yeah, hell yeah. Party time.

What?

It's a feather in your cap.

Okay.

Yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years.

Three years. All of it in Nashville? Yeah. I love it. I love it.

Uh, you leave Nashville a lot? Traveling sucks, probably, right? Tremendously. Yeah, it's freaking, awful. This is my traveling chair, though, so.

The accessory drove you all the way down to Austin? Yeah, great gas mileage.

I see you got a white claw there. You, you're able to get a little trashed, huh? Uh, yeah. I mean, you never know how drunk you are until you stand up, so.

Amazing. Absolutely amazing.

Get him. Do more.

So, tell us more about your life, Fiona. I'm interested in finding out more about your, uh, anything. Yeah, I'm a big ramp enthusiast.

You mean the incline, not the delicious root vegetable, right? Correct, yeah. Vegetables don't eat vegetables.

I love it. Fiona, so what is your love life? like? Um, I have a boyfriend. Ooh, la, la.

Yeah, even me. All right, I love it. And what does he do? He's a comedian. Okay, all right.

And you guys met at like an open mic or something? Uh, at Zany's in Nashville, yeah. One of the best comedy clubs in the country. No doubt about it. Zany's in Nashville.

Um, okay. So you met him there, and then how does that go? What do you guys do? on a first date? You guys go, uh, rollerskating or something?

Oh, my gosh, you're gonna.

Okay, this is true. Okay, we went to eat food, and we went back to my place, and he turned on Love on the Spectrum.

He's like, hey, I like this show. Do you ever really relate to these guys?

Because they're living normal lives, you know?

Yeah.

Okay, so Love on the Spectrum, and then what happens? Does he make a move on night one? No, he would not. let me kiss him. Oh, my goodness gracious.

Is he a burn victim?

Yeah, why would he? let you kiss him? What is he, a gay Indian man?

No, he thought this would be contagious, but.

If you.

. Are you talking about the gears on your chair?

Yeah, you really can only have one, though. Like, if he does this again, it's... You're on a list somewhere. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, a list to say don't let them dine upstairs. Yeah, we don't allow any four-wheelers around here, you know what I mean? But he's a short man, and short men fucking love women in wheelchairs. Hell yeah, they do. Hell yeah, they can tower over them at all times.

It's a short man's delight. Short man's wet dream, yeah. I'm just thinking about your tiny boyfriend sitting like a cat in your lap as you motor around, you know?

Absolutely incredible. Does he ever skitch on the back of the chair?

I love it. You have a lot of money. Can you build her a sidecar for that thing?

And this is great. You did such a good job. You also carried me up a flight of stairs. And I didn't cop a feel.

The whole time. That's so nice. Did I think I could probably get away with this? Yes, I did. You're like, can't she even feel it?

I love it. How long are you in Austin for? Till Friday. Till Friday. Happy, happy on The Secret Show.

Okay. Yep. We're going to carry you all the way to the fucking mountaintop, Fiona. I feel like a star was born here tonight. You did an excellent job.

No doubt about it. And to confirm that a star is born, we have a very special guest that swung by tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, making a little cameo. Make some noise for one of the greatest comedians of all time. And, without a doubt, the greatest female stand-up comedian of all time.

Ladies and gentlemen, popping in to say hello, friend of the show, fellow Texan, Roseanne Barr.

The queen has arrived.

Fiona, I noticed you didn't stand up.

As I stumble my way drunkenly to the forum here, I just want to say, you killed it. You were the fucking comedy assassin on that, roast. Oh, thank you, Roseanne. He is the comedy assassin. No fear, no limits, no boundaries.

Fuck yeah, bitch. Well, I learned from my comedy store forefathers and foremothers. And you're one of my foremothers. This, it's lovely to see all these young people here. I love, I'm 72 fucking years old.

I never thought I'd live this long. Hence, I would never have done all the drugs and drink. And if I knew I was going to live this long, I would have took better care of myself, you know.

But whatever.

It's nice to see you all.

Well, I just dropped in because, you know, I wanted to watch people. And you're, you started at my comedy club in Denver, The Comedy Works. Yes, ma'am. Isn't that something? You are so funny.

I've never seen you before. Tony said you're going to be blown away by this guy. I am blown away. I'm blown away with how funny you are, Mr. Talent.

Thank you. Thank you, Roseanne. It's very kind of you to say.

It's so awesome.

It's good to know at your old age, your eyesight still works.

It's also crazy of you to brag about being 72 in front of Fiona, you know? Yeah, she's not going to make it to 72.. She's got wiggle bone or something. I don't know. She's got one white claw.

Now she's going to have two in a few months.

Well, I'm actually here as the comedy grandma to the comedians, you know?

And, you know, I love to encourage when I see talent. I love to encourage because I love the comedians. Because this is a here I go. I'm drunk and I'm on my.

I started doing the mushrooms and it's really helping. And tomorrow I'm going to the ketamine clinic.

I'm going to be able to deal with it. I heard ketamine fixes everything, almost everything, Fiona. I hope so. We need help. But there's too much hate, you know?

And the thing is, here's my Jewish grandmother blessing on you, my child. Wait, did you just take coins out of her pocket?

What kind of Jewish blessing is that? That's a stereotype right there. And all right, all right. Goddamn, what a great fucking drummer.

And this band.

I'm, you know.

. I didn't start the ketamine. That's when you get nice, they say. I'll be able to get nice. That would be so cool.

But you are the essence of a comedian. A great one. Because you know why? You go down into that fucking pain. She can't go up.

You go.

. I'm reading the room. You... I'm sorry.

Did she just kick you? No, I'm reading the room. I'm sorry, ma'am.

You're making me want to go off on your fat ass in about one minute.

Don't interrupt when I'm praising people. And I praised you, so shut up. Because you are great. But you are the essence of what makes a great comedian. You're not afraid to dig down in that fucking well of pain that I'm sure you've lived with.

Am I right? You lived through it and you turned it into something of joy and beauty. God love you, baby. You're gonna be a star.

Roseanne Barr. with a little fucking wisdom. The queen bee. Make some noise for Texas' own, Roseanne Barr.

That's right. Yeah, what the fuck is right, Fiona?

That's okay. Just don't get your tears on your joystick. I don't want you to fly into the audience. No stage diving here tonight. I don't want that thing to fucking short circuit.

Fiona, you just got your flowers from one of the all-time goats, Roseanne Barr. You had an amazing set. Sam, anything else? No, I thought you were talking about me. But yes, also, Roseanne seems to have taken a liking, so that's good.

That's true. Yeah. Where's Roseanne's chair? What do you mean? Her wheelchair.

Oh, oh, no. She's good. Fully operational. 72 years old. Killing it.

On mushrooms. Drunk as a skunk. Hilarious. Cool as fuck. We love Roseanne.

Denver legend, Roseanne. Absolutely. And Fiona, you too are now an Austin legend. Welcome to Austin, Texas. Enjoy the rest of your week.

You're on The Secret Show. You're doing it. We love you. Time to back that ass up.

Fiona Cawley, ladies and gentlemen. Follower on social media, F-I-O-N-A-C-A-U-L-E-Y. Cawley. C-A-U-L-E-Y. One more time for Fiona.

You can run into him. He's blind. It's okay.

It's all good. He's blind. It's all right. He's fine. Oh, Red Band.

Red Band, you're out of control tonight.

Jesus Christ.

Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for a legend. One of our esteemed regulars. One of the best ever in the show's history. Make some noise for one of your favorites. The one, the only, Cam motherfucking Patterson.

All right, let's talk about beating bitches. So listen, I know y'all seen that Diddy. shit. Diddy, uh, Diddy was hitting that girl in that elevator. You seen it?

Did you see it? Fuck you then, nigga. It's not for you. If you did see it, though, Diddy beat a bitch a long time ago. And my auntie a thug.

My auntie a real street, nigga. And she sent me the real, she sent me the video. And she was like, hey, fuck, nigga. You becoming somebody in life. Don't be beating hoes.

Dot, dot, dot on camera.

What kind of fucking backwards ass advice is that, dawg? They gonna be like, oh shit.

It's not dope. You shouldn't do it. I was taught in my life, if you're going to be good at something, be the best at it.

And that nigga Diddy pretty fucking good at bitch beating. Listen, I've been trying to tuck a towel my whole life. I've been trying to tuck a towel my whole, I can never tuck a towel and walk one step. This. nigga tucked a towel around the fucking hallway.

And it kicked him with full velocity without the towel, untuck it. Listen, if I had to rate him like he was a diver, like he was a professional diver, I'd give him a nine. You feel what I'm saying? All right, that's it. Thank y'all so much.

Cam Patterson. Cam Patterson. Talking about beating bitches and tucking towels. Come on, man. Love it.

If you need help learning how to tuck a towel, uh, the comedian Tanveer can show you with his head wrap. Hey, that nigga, gay, man. I didn't know he was gay, man.

Nothing. None of that.

The moment maker, Cam Patterson. Hard at work. Even though I do love gay people.

Hell. yeah. I love. Hell. yeah, man.

Keeping the gays on your side. You got to say it. You got to tell them that. I love y'all, niggas, man. Real shit.

Cam's running for president of the NAACP. I love it. You really don't know how to tuck a towel? Hell. no.

I never learned. So interesting. You know how to tuck a towel, real good? Yeah, man. That's beach bending 101..

I got a towel. I don't know what you guys are talking about. You wrap a towel around you, and then you yank it a couple times, and then you take the one part and you put it over. I can't do that. Because you can't do with the size of your waist.

Yes. Thank you. Yes. You need a beach towel, perhaps. Yeah, I can't do it.

It's one of the things I can't do. Wow. So, to see him be the bitch.

It was. And that shit never untucked. I was like, this, nigga not good. Not a good guy, but pretty goaded, bro. You know what I'm saying?

Sounds like he was inspirational to you. I don't hit women. I would never hit a woman in my life. I hit that bitch, but never.

Yeah. She's just talking too much.

Somebody should beat that bitch, but not me. That's true. Not Cam Patterson.

The drummer going out of control over here. Cam, how's life been? What's been shaking? We just got back from a crazy couple of weeks in Los Angeles. What else?

Shit been crazy. I went to Vegas for the first time. I almost bought some pussy for the first time. Yeah, I almost bought. ...

I don't buy pussy. Pussy, I don't pay for it. I'm a real thug, so you can't buy pussy. And where I'm from, you feel what I'm saying? But I almost did it.

But then it got like .

. The thing that stopped me from doing the work, I walked outside in Vegas, and it was like morning. And then I was like, nah, I can't buy no pussy in the morning. That's crazy. You can't buy pussy at 6 a.m.

You got to buy pussy at night. That's when you buy pussy. It's not a sunrise activity. Yeah, that's some fucked up shit. 4 a.m.

is the best pussy you can buy. Huh? 4 p.m. is the best pussy you can buy. It's fresh.

You get that 6 a.

m. one. Redman, you fucking scaring me sometimes. You put real fear in my heart. Sometimes I be like, Redman is going to kill somebody one day.

I swear to God. I love you, though, nigga. He loves you, N-Word. I was just kidding.

But what made you want to buy pussy first? Man, I just seen a bitch, and I was like, I'll pay for that. And then you're like, nah. Yeah, I walked outside. I was like, never mind, bitch.

Right. That's crazy. So you're a gentleman. I'm a good guy, man. You feel what I'm saying?

Buying pussy. just, it don't make no sense to me, bro. I've also like, I've fucked a lot of strippers in my life. So like, seeing a stripper that I be fucking, and her getting money from another nigga, it's like, made me feel happy. Like, you paying to see this bitch dance.

And I'm finna, fuck her for free. You feel what I'm saying? You get what I'm saying, right? Lame ass, niggas. We live very different lives, you and I.

That's why you gotta stay friends with the young generation, because they keep you fresh. Come on, man. We like this. You know I'm with the movement. Hell yeah.

The whole scene, man. Oh, yeah. Amazing, Cam. What else is going on in your world? Anything else fun happening?

Oh, them, fuck, niggas on Reddit got me. They got on my head for a second. Why? What? They said I had stolen a joke.

Yeah, you seen that shit? And I saw the joke. It was close. I will tell you that. I mean, that happens.