#669 - LUIS J GOMEZ + SAL VULCANO

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

We're in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe.

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Mama, we made it. You're here. You did it. Congratulations to all of you. You're at the number one live podcast in the world.

Kill Tony, brought to you by Game Time, Squarespace, and Liquid Death. Make some noise for Red Band everybody. Hey!

How exciting. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? That is indeed Charles Reed joining us on the drums, ladies and gentlemen. Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, and Carlos Sosa on the horns. Joining us from the Zach Brown Band.

They're on tour doing football stadiums all around the world. This is the one and only Matt Muelling on the electric guitar. The return of our dear leader back from absolute chaos with Gary Clark Jr. all around the world. John Deez is back, everybody.

And, of course, the thriving, pumping, stem cell machine of a backbone that we have, our bass player, D-Madness, is here.

How exciting. What an episode we have lined up for you tonight. Before we begin, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

You guys ready to start tonight's show?

God damn it. Every single week, I have two of the funniest human beings on planet Earth on this show. this week, no different. Two legends of guesting on Kill Tony. From the Impractical Jokers and the Legion of Skanks, make some noise for Sal Vulcano and Luis J Gomez.

God damn it! Play some music, you fucking motherfuckers! What are you guys doing?

Horns only? Okay. I don't know whose idea horns only was, but I'll take it.

Is that because Luis is Puerto Rican? Well, okie dokie. No answer. That was a last minute call by Matt Muelling. What?

That was a last minute call by Matt Muelling. Oh, okay. Cool. Sweet. You have my family in the fucking brass section over there.

Jesus Christ, dude. Hell yeah. There they are.

There they are. Welcome back, guys. Sal, hello, hello. Good to be here. What's up, everybody?

What's up, Austin? We love you. You're back. Been on the show multiple times. Life is good.

I watch Impractical Jokers every time I'm on the road. I get Mario Lopez the fuck off my TV at those hotels. He haunts every hotel room around the fucking world, and I immediately put on True TV, watching Impractical Jokers. Yeah, I listen to Lopez, actually. I bet.

I bet. But I know somebody who watches their own stuff. That's Luis J. Gomez, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, doggies?

He's back. Let's go. He's back. I'm back. This is, I think, my 14th Kill Tony appearance.

Yeah, you are riding high up there with all-time appearances from a guest. I'm very excited that you're back, and we're doing something special tonight. You guys may know that Luis J. Gomez runs the, literally, the undisputed, now greatest comedy festival in the world, Skankfest.

And tonight, he has informed me, with all of his good power and grace, that he will be awarding one comedian a chance to perform at Skankfest. So someone tonight is going to, could be a regular, could be a golden ticket winner, could be someone out of the bucket. It could be Red Band. Who knows? We'll see what happens.

It's going to be a crazy night, I'll tell you right now. But not only just perform, Tony, they're going to perform on the elite shows. They're going to be on the shows with you. They're going to be on the shows with fucking Shane Gillis, fucking Mark Norman, and fucking Big J. These are going to be big shows, and we're going to put them up in a suite in Vegas.

We're going to fly them out. We're going to give them a VIP experience. How about that? Is that fucking cool? or what?

Louis J. Gomez contributing to the show. Sal? I also have every season on DVD for whoever. Impractical Jokers.

DVD. Lots of extras. You guys did so many seasons. That might take up a large amount of someone's real estate, all the seasons of Impractical Jokers on DVD.

Since you guys have been here multiple times, you might know. I got the official number.

228 souls are across the street at Poor Choices right now, hoping that their name gets pulled out of this bucket. If it does, that means they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up, and you hear the sound of a kitty. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Then I interview them.

The whole thing is improvised. Anything can happen. Sometimes we find the fucking next great talent in the world. Sometimes it's a completely insane person that thought they could do this, and they didn't prepare, and they didn't try. We're going to watch it all happen together.

You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

So, while we go wrangle the first comedian out of the bucket from across the street, I'm going to inform you, ladies and gentlemen, that you are indeed at an extremely special episode. We are about to change the history of the show here. As I announced that we will be rotating regulars to open the show from now on. Tonight, you're going to get to meet one of the newest regulars of Keltoni. right now, at this very moment.

This live audience gets to be introduced to a man that's only been on the show one time before. He is from Estonia, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for the return, his first time as a regular. A brand new minute from Ari Matti, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go.

Hello,

America.

I recently had a date.

I took a girl out to see a movie. Here's a suggestion for guys if you want to take your girl out to see a movie. Watch the movie before you go and see the movie, so you can answer all of her fucking questions.

Two minutes in, who's he?

And never let her pick the movie. Because women love some miserable shit.

One time I had a girl over for dinner. I let her choose the date movie. I finished cooking dinner. We sit down to watch the movie. You know what movie she picks?

She picks A Fault in Our Stars. Oh, they both have cancer?

When do I start fingering you?

Before or after the chemotherapy? Thank you very much. We have arrived, ladies and gentlemen. Ari Matti's first appearance as a regular. Second time ever on the show.

We still have so much to learn about. Ari Matti. Welcome, Ari. Welcome to my world. Yes, absolutely.

I'm happy to be part of it. When do I get that wacky accent? Yes. Estonia. Yes.

I'll give a little bit of background information that I have about you. You were on the show once before. In between that time and before, and since you've been around, everybody fucking loves you. You get booked all the time here. You are absolutely hysterical.

I can't wait to show the world how fucking funny you are. Thank you. It's a no-brainer to have someone like you here. Tell us more about you, Ari Matti. Tell the people what we don't know, which is a lot.

Other than you finger girls during shitty movies.

That's all we know. Well, I'm from Estonia. I'm a superstar there.

But it's Estonia. Kind of like a three falls, but nobody here situation.

There's literally less people there than there are in this room.

If anybody is in Dallas, I have a show there. Two tickets sold, please, for the love of God. I am financially fucked. You have to tip in this country. I hate it.

When is your show in Dallas? exactly? 16th of June, I think. Okay. I don't think this episode is going to be out by then.

Those two people are going to have a great time.

I love it, Ari. Welcome to the show again. Tell us more about you. How long have you been in America? Well, 16 days.

16 days. Yes. And how about? before that? I was here for two months, but I cannot talk about that.

due to visa restrictions. I was not on this show. This is my first time.

I have not worked illegally. Perfect.

You're in luck. We don't pay you. Yeah, exactly. There's no traces of any payment to be had. Enjoy those free drinks after the show.

I love it. So, what do we have to do to make you an American? How does this work? You have to make me a superstar, quick. Okay.

I have eight months on my work visa. So, I need to fucking Grand Theft Auto. unlock these islands, quick. Okay?

I gotta make it, baby! I don't have time to grind in Omaha.

I love you. You are amazing. Now, what is Estonia known for? Tell us more about your home. We have a castle, and we have me.

What's at the castle? Well, it's like a castle. You ever... Yeah. Like a real one, not the American fake White Castle.

It's like an actual place where people died. Wow. Who died there? Why were they dying? I don't know about that.

Well, Estonia.

. Okay, so, short history. We were founded in 1992..

So, we don't really have a backlog of stories. Limp Bizkit is older than my country. You know what I'm saying?

What was it before? Soviet Union! Okay, so how long until Putin tries to take this place back? In the next eight months.

We have compulsory military service. I did not go.

Because I'm a pussy.

I love it. How have you made a living up to this point, before you were a comedian? What type of jobs did you have? I was a bartender because of the pussy. You love pussy.

Is that an Estonian thing? No. Oh.

You ever heard of pussy, Tony? No. No, I've never heard of such a thing. I don't know a lot about you, but comedians have told me some interesting things. Oh, yes.

I'm gay.

Is that what you heard? Yes. Yes, exactly. It seems to be the running joke about me. Anyway, what's up?

What are you doing later? No, I'm kidding. So tell me more. What's your love life like? Really bad.

Do you love American women? Oh, you know what I'm obsessed with right now? They don't want me, but they're Latinos. Oh, I do believe you mean Latinas. I'm into Latinos.

If we're playing your little Tony's gay game. I like the nose. You like the nas.

You're into Latinas. They're like super, you know, the way they look at you. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They're going to rob you.

Please, take everything. I don't give a fuck. Just give me some of that. purple bacon. Purple bacon?

Oh, my God. Wow. I have never heard it described so perfectly. Somebody told me they have the pussies.

You.

So many different things come together to make who you are. You remind me of like a Robin Williams meets a Yakov Smirnoff. Yeah. But no, it's because of the accent. What a country.

Yeah. I mean, because of the accent, you feel like, okay, maybe you're still getting a little... But then you just have such self-awareness. And then you pull out something like purple bacon, which... I've never heard of in my entire life, but...

I heard a black guy say it. It's really... Okay. Yeah. That'll do you good.

Just repeat everything you hear from that. Black guys are so funny. They are. I would say anything... Black guys are by default, like six years into comedy.

Dude. Absolutely. Dude, by default. I completely agree with you. They are also the very best roasters in the world, naturally.

Looking like a motherfucking.

. Yeah, shit, you gay. Looking like a motherfucking. gay-ass motherfucker. Looking like a...

That's what they say, and it's the best setup for looking like a.

. Looking like a motherfucking... It's like a speed bag. Looking like a motherfucking... It just lands every time.

They don't need the white guy like, You know what you look like, mister? They fucking... Looking like a motherfucking...

Smelling like a motherfucking purple bacon.

We're having fun here. Oh, there's fly, Tony. Thank you. Thank you, D. Luis J.

Gomez. Look, I think Ari's great. He's super charming. I hung out with him a couple nights in a row right now, and you know what, dude? I really like you, despite you being an actual Nazi.

He told me that. He told me that behind closed doors. Yes.

I've heard he's very popular here now.

It's coming in November. And so is he.

I love it, Ari Maddy. I'm so excited to have you on the fold here. I'm so excited. He will be rotating opening positions here with Hans Kim, of course, the great. So Hans is going to get one third less of a workload.

But of course, since he's a reigning defending Hall of Famer, he can also perform any night that he wants. because we love Hansy boy. And you guys are going to get to meet the other new opening regular that will be rotating in at some point during this episode. Sound good? Yes.

Make some noise. one more time for Ari Maddy, ladies and gentlemen. He has arrived. And we are indeed going to make him a superstar. Eight months to make somebody a superstar?

We can do that in no time whatsoever.

I pre-pulled a name out of the bucket. We're going to wrangle another one. And now it begins. Your first bucket pull that we're going to meet all together goes by the name of Jesus Elisir. Jesus, Elisir.

Thank you. Thank you. All right, so scientists, the other day, they discovered the location of the clitoris on the snakes. I don't know about you, but this is just more confirmation that women are snakes. That's all that is.

If you didn't like that one, then.

If you know who Frances McDormand is, the actress, she was in a movie a couple years ago called Women Talking. I didn't see it personally, but I am waiting for the sequel. It's called Bitch, Shut the Fuck Up. It's directed by a Puerto Rican. It's really good.

The city of Seattle announced a couple months ago that they were no longer going to be investigating sexual assault cases. They said, we don't have the manpower, we're underfunded, and we have a new chief of police, and it's Bill Cosby.

Hey, hey, who the fuck is going to sexually assault? blue-haired, greaseball, fucking, bull-dyed bitches, dude? I don't know.

Okay, Jesus, Elisir? Elisir. Elisir. Yeah. Uncle Elisir.

Elisir. I love it. Welcome to the show. You are a mustache away from being a lady that owns 12 cats. Has anyone ever told you that before?

That is somewhat accurate, yeah. If you shaved that thing, you would be one of the scariest looking women of all time. Jesus, welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up? First time up was 2015 in LA.

Okay, you've been doing it steady since then? Sporadically, and I'm getting better at doing it steady. I like the look. Black pants, plain black t-shirt. You look like Louis C.

Quesadilla.

Which reminds me, I forgot to bring out a superstar, ladies and gentlemen. She is one of the legendary band members of the show. I completely forgot to bring her out. I'm going to bring her out right now. It is indeed Jetski, Jesse Johnson, everybody.

Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. Jetski says funny shit, and when she does, you pretend like you're riding a jetski. Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. Practice. Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom.

There you go. Good job. Okay, back to this ugly motherfucker. Jesus, very fun. So you've been doing it since 2015,.

and then what did you say? And then, when you were at the Vulcan, I was on one of the episodes. Oh, you were on the show. How did that go? It went well.

It was super memorable, Tony. Yeah. Shane Gillis, Shane Gillis was the guy. Oh, okay. We love Shane.

We talked about L.

A. We talked about L.A. We talked about, I went, I did a little bit of time in jail. Okay, let's talk about that. Why did you do time in jail, Jesus?

L.

A.

Okay. It was a violent crime, so. Okay, let's talk about it. It's okay, Jesus. This is what we do.

Now. you're a guest on a podcast, and there's nothing interesting about you, except for this part. So we got to find out about it, Jesus. Sal, you want to take a guess? I think it's beating a woman.

As a feminist, you're a feminist, yeah? Yes, I am. It's odd. It's odd, yeah, but. I feel like he just did his thing.

It was a gay guy. Remember, I talked about the Jason- Stop saying member and fucking, be present. It was, I worked, I worked at a video arcade that had glory holes. And there was a night that a gay guy just got a little too. First of all, it is kind of crazy that I don't remember this at all.

I have to acknowledge the fact that this show is so nuts, and it's so hard to host that I have to just digest shit and let it go. You would think I would remember, me, especially, me as a super gay man, that there was an arcade with glory holes. This sounds like so much fun. You could fucking Pac-Man and Pac-A-Man at the same time. This is absolutely incredible.

Oh, looks like I just achieved a new level. You know what that sound means. Okay, so hey, Seuss. You're working at an arcade where there's glory holes. First of all, what are you doing?

Hopefully not the janitor. I am the jizz mopper. Are you really? I swear to God. Well, he wore the outfit tonight, so.

Hold on. I am the jizz mopper, yeah. You promise you're not being funny, right? I swear to God. that was my job.

We need this to be serious. Let's be serious here. I swear to God. that was my job. You were the jizz mopper?

At the end of the night, I mopped up all the jizz. At the end of the night? That's not like the groundskeepers during a baseball game. You're not out there sweeping during the fucking innings? You wait until the very end and just fucking wait for the mother load?

Luis J. Gomez. I feel like we could turn him upside down and make him the jizz mop.

Oh, my God. Okay, continue. The gay guy I got crazy with, I didn't know he was gay. I thought he was Puerto Rican. Doesn't matter.

Sure. That's what we all know about, Luis. You know how they are, right?

I never thought I'd live to see the day where a jizz mopper references Francis McDormand.

Oh, me here, the jizz mopper. Let me tell you, I didn't think he was gay. I thought I was doing a Puerto Rican hate crime. Your rationale is incredible. Go ahead, Jesus.

Yeah, things got a little out of control. Tell us about that part. How did things get out of control? I don't want to share the details, because they are psychotic. They are deranged.

How many of you think you should share the details?

So, Jesus, when you hear that, picture a million more people watching this episode and then factor in if you want to talk about the interesting parts. This dude came in, coked out. He was really disrespectful. What was he doing that was disrespectful?

I was just trying to talk to him normally about, you know, there's two bucks to get in. Two bucks? Two bucks? The cover is two dollars? Two dollars.

Holy shit. What the fuck?

You didn't mention you worked at a high-end place.

Are the arcade games just a quarter? No. No. You got to put money in the... It's like one of those, like, feed the dollar, and there's porno on the TV.

Oh, so it's not really arcade. Red Band, North Hollywood, yeah? Red Band Knows. Red Band Knows. There you go.

Okay. And he started getting real crazy. Like, I know how much it costs. Blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, it was towards the end of the night.

I said, get the fuck out. I don't want to deal with this. He started banging on the counter.

I lost my mind.

I mean, dude, you're covered in cum at this point, so. Yeah. I understand. You're not in the right head space. Two dollar cover over here.

I heard him bad enough to where the cops were like, what the fuck are you doing? Like, what did you do? Smash his head? Like, what did you do? I sucked his cock off his body.

Like, what could you have possibly have done to this? Did you curb, stomp him? Like, what happened?

Dude, stop reliving it in your head right now. Just tell the story.

Share it with us. We want to know, dude. You look like you were just watching The Grateful Dead at the sphere.

I turned around and grabbed the first thing I saw. And it was. Wait, hold on. What? Enunciate, motherfucker.

Give us a chance to work with you here. At the end of the night, we lock up the doors with a chain. Oh. With a chain. Gotcha.

I turned around, I grabbed it off the wall. I was just going to. Just. Get out of here. You were just going to beat him once.

I was just going to do one chain lashing. But once you pop, you can't stop.

That's not too far off the mark. He's like a bad guy from Double Dragon.

This is. We've. We had crazy assholes come in. So I kind of had like a routine. Grab the chain.

Act, scary. Yeah. But this fucking idiot reached out and grabbed it. And it was like a tug of war. Uh-huh.

And I. Nothing worse than a tug of war through a glory hole. It's just. It's just. No real winner on this one.

That's. That's a hug of war. That one. But. Way to.

Way to. Way to bring the laughter down. That's what I'm here for. He started pulling on it and he stupidly went down on the ground. Pulling on what?

Huh? The chain. Oh, OK. I just want to make sure I'm at the. He went down on the ground on all fours, with his ass up.

So I. I love how calculated you are with these answers. You answer questions exactly like Elon Musk answers questions. And I don't think he was ever a jizz mobber before.

Basically, I strangled this guy with a chain. I.

This is Kill Tony.

You strangle him with a chain. and then what did you do? I strangled him pretty bad. He almost died. OK.

They gave me a year. A year, in prison. Because it was a gay guy. Right. I thought again, I thought he was Puerto Rican.

So did they called it a hate crime? They were going to because he was. Yeah. Did you. Well, what makes it a hate crime?

Because that's kind of interesting. Well, when the cops came and arrested me. Yeah. I'm going. You guys got to fucking come here more often because we would call him.

They'd never come. And they're recording me. And you call saying all this crazy. You call them. You call them the F word.

I said that. I said these fucking. I get motherfuckers. Oh, I didn't realize. You guys never come here.

I was like, oh, they recorded me on their chest cams. That was a bad idea. Do you know how many fucking people are watching right now? You psycho. Stop talking.

I don't have a career. I don't care. So I give a fuck about the Internet. Suck my dick. The cops were the only, literally the only people who didn't come.

Hey, Seuss, did you end up with a joke book last time you were on? Yeah. Yeah. Small one. Big one.

A big one. Well, congratulations, my friend. Have a good night. There he goes. Hey, Seuss.

Hello, there. Your second bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, look at this. The lovely Heidi is here.

Absolute goddamn smoke show. Good evening. This podcast is sponsored by Game Time. I absolutely love going to shows, concerts. I love live stuff.

I love performing live. I love a live podcast. I love live music. I'm a fan of all the most popular live things in the world. Pink Floyd, Drake, you name it.

And with Game Time, I never have to stress about a show. Even if I completely forget to buy tickets for a concert or show, Game Time makes snagging those tickets fast and easy. In fact, prices on the Game Time app actually go down the closer it gets to show time. It's almost like a reward for being lazy or procrastinating. There's even killer last-minute deals.

Views from your seat. All-in prices. on the best part. They have the lowest price guarantee. Game Time takes the guesswork out of buying concert tickets.

Red band. Tony, you know I love going to the Booty Center for a kick-ass show. And this year, I plan to see Billy Joel, Pearl Jam, and my favorite, ooh, Phish. Yeah. And it's also why I love the Game Time app and its unbelievable special features.

I'm talking flash deals, last-minute tickets, and zone deals. They make finding a ticket for any event in your area ridiculously easy. You even get views from all the seats in the venue, so you can make sure you're not sitting behind a huge pillar or something. Quite frankly, it's amazing, Tony. No doubt about it.

Game Time gives you the lowest price guarantee. Or they'll credit you 110% of the difference. Not to mention, your purchase is covered with the most flexible customer service policy in the ticketing industry. So take the guesswork out of buying concert tickets with Game Time. Download the Game Time app.

Create an account. Use code KILLTONY for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account. And redeem code KILLTONY for $20 off.

That's why. Download Game Time today. Last-minute tickets. Lowest price. Guaranteed.

Indeed, this podcast is sponsored by Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience, and sell anything from products to content to time, all in one place, all on your terms. A red band. Squarespace is so easy to use, Tony. It's by far the best way to create a professional-looking website with minimal effort.

Start a completely personalized website with the new guided design system, Squarespace Blueprint. Choose from professionally curated layout and styling options to build a unique online presence from the ground up. Tailored to your brand or business and optimized for every device. Easily launch your website and get discovered fast with integrated, optimized SEO tools, so you can show up more often to more people and grow the way you want. No doubt about it, make checkout seamless for your customers with simple but powerful payment tools.

Except credit cards, PayPal, and Apple Pay, in ineligible countries. offer customers the option to buy now and pay later with after paying clear pay. Sell exclusive content on your site by adding a paywall to sell memberships or courses, or sell files your customers can download, like PDFs, music, or ebooks. So head to squarespace.com for a free trial, and, when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash killtony to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Your next bucket pull is one of you.

From the inside, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jordan Grazewski. Jordan, oh my god, here he is in the front. There he goes.

Jordan Grazewski from right here, representing you, the audience. Make some goddamn noise for Jordan Grazewski.

Crazy. All right. I almost left because I was going to try to find an arcade store where the last guy worked. But I'm here, so.

I'm in a new relationship that started recently. And, you know, she's trying to fill me in on, like all of her friends, and you can't follow along. And she explains her friends by their bangs or what shoes they wear. Come on. What do we want to know?

Did she get a BBL last week? Or is there dump truck sounds when she's backing up into a room?

That's what we're interested in.

Before I got this girlfriend, though, I, you know, went a long time without one. And the whole time I was in school, I was always interested in teachers hooking up with kids. And it was never the ones that didn't have any friends. It was always the popular ones. And that's their problem.

Not mine.

All right. Jordan Grazewski. Welcome, Jordan. Okay. You bombed.

That's what I was here for. I love it. Were you the guy that Jesus beat to death? Yeah, my neck just healed up. I love it.

Welcome, welcome, Jordan. Is this your first time trying comedy? It is, yeah. Congratulations, Jordan. I guess.

I guess I'll say congratulations. How does it feel? Tell the people out there that might be thinking about trying this. What does it feel? Look out there.

What is it? What do you not? How does it feel right now? What did you not counteract for here? What went wrong?

The bright light helps. You can't see. But. Fucked up, man. I'm sorry.

You're a piece of shit, dude. Just being inclusive.

And, yeah. Just prepare more, I guess. Okay. Absolutely. How old are you?

27.

. 27 and your voice is still cracking.

I'm dehydrated from being outside. Why are you dehydrated? Because it's hot as fuck out. Okay. Do you drink water?

Yeah. Not enough. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm in a new relationship. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Jordan, what do you do for a living? You're 27 years old. Where do you live? I live in Cleveland. Cleveland, Ohio.

And what do you do for work? I work in software and I'm a professional boxer. You're a professional boxer? Wait a second. I need some boxing music.

We've got to have you shadow box. How many of you want to see Jordan shadow box? Here? he is, everybody.

Doing a little. Oh, shit. Wait, you have to.

Wow. Wow.

Look at that. Oh, my God. Absolutely incredible. You better not start any shit with me.

Jordan the mouth. A rubber ducky.

Anyone ever tell you you sound like a rubber ducky before? No.

Let's try that one more time. Anybody ever tell you you sound like a rubber ducky? There you go. Lewis? He just tried to deepen his voice.

He was like, no, never. No, no one's ever told me I sound like a rubber ducky before. Okay. So, Jordan, you work in software and you box. Do you box for a living?

You make money doing that? Yep. That explains the brain damage. There you go. There it is.

How long have you been boxing for? I've been boxing for five years pro since last September. Wow. And what's your record? 2-0..

2-0.

. Holy shit. And were you at the Cleveland convention center? I did fight there as an amateur. Wow, I was just guessing.

I didn't really think I would be right about that. Turns out. if you say any city and then convention center, you've got a good chance.

I love it. So what is your love life like? Are you really in a new relationship? You have Pete Davidson's tattoos and his comedy act.

He's making that Taco Bell money. He doesn't care. All right. So, Jordan, tell us more about you. What's something interesting we would find and we would think is cool about you?

Before I started boxing, I lost like 100 pounds. Oh, you used to be a fat boy, huh? Okay. All right. How did you lose the weight?

Tell Red Band how you lost the weight.

Eating Chinese pussy. Well, I mean, that doesn't work. Somehow, he manages to find 3,000 calories in that pussy every night. It's those Koreans, man. I've been telling you.

Oh, yours is Korean? Yes, you racist.

Asian racism in me? Sorry. Wouldn't know anything about it.

He's so close. Red Band does boxing to go boxing. Yeah.

Look at the hands up for Jet Ski. Oh, my God. So you've been eating Chinese pussy for how long now? A few years. Right after you eat it?

Do you want to eat more? No, I usually run to the bathroom. Okay. I love it. Wait, what?

What does that even mean? Oh, you're saying you get diarrhea. Okay. There you go. Not that brain damaged.

Okay, there you go. He just tapped his own head, everybody. There's something up there.

I love it. I just want to know if he's successful at boxing, why would he try to do something he's so bad at? My guess is you're a big fan of the show, you're a fellow Ohioan like me and Red Band, and you thought, why not go to the show? And fuck, if I'm going to go, might as well sign up. I might not have a good minute, but I could probably fucking bob and weave in the interview part, right?

And here you are, am I correct? All right, he did it.

He did it.

Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes, Jordan Grzewski, ladies and gentlemen.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, how many of you would say that Jordan just bombed? Make some noise.

Well.

. Oh, yeah, give him a little joke book. I forgot to give him a joke book. Oh, there he is. That's right.

You're right here. Fucking amazing. So, just give me a little bit lower for a second here, while I explain to this audience that now, because somebody bombed on the show, right now, at this moment,

this is that moment where you find out who the newest rotating regular is. Because this man is famous for cleaning up other people's messes.

The fixer, if you will. The old repairman, if you will. How many of you watched this past Monday's episode that came out?

Well, now, I am proud to introduce only his second night ever on the show. He's been driving from Dallas for ten and a half months. He's only been on the show one night, and in that one night, he made eight separate appearances on this stage.

I am proud to present the newest Kill Tony regular, and he is the great and powerful True Nickens.

Alright!

He was real cool. He. let me get the ox. He said I was stupid, because LeBron was better than Jordan.

Dog, y'all ever cry while getting a haircut? I was so sad I had.

So you know what I did? I did the whitest thing possible. I didn't snitch. I just gave him a two and a half star Yelp review. Thank y'all so much!

Drew Nickens is back!

An instant legend on the show. Now, Drew, your episode, your debut episode of Kill Tony, came out seven days ago exactly. How is your life? It is insane! All the people that have sent me support, I thank y'all.

My energy drink dealer, that means the cashier at G&C, he even recognized me. I was so excited! Like, women. don't go, eww, when they see me in emo.

Now, a little fun fact. Normally I would just, I would ignore the fact that you said energy drink dealer. But I had a chance to graze over your Instagram page, because one of my favorite things to do nowadays is to.

when I know somebody's about to blow up on the show, I go to their Instagram page and I screenshot how many followers they have at that time and I'll give a little glance. I'll see what they have cooking. How many of you, by any chance, I don't know if anybody else did this, make some noise. if you've seen Drew Nickens' Instagram page. Okay, that's a pretty decent amount of people.

Let me explain to you guys that he literally does energy drink reviews.

It doesn't really seem funny. Like, it's not that comedy driven. And then, by the second, once I realized that he does it all the time for every different energy drink out there, and it starts on the can and it zooms out and he's there waving. Oh, hey! I didn't see you there.

It's easy. I watched him drink like 140 cans of energy drink. Every single one is funnier than the next. There were so few likes, there were so few comments on these things, and I just know this library's gonna blow the fuck up. There's not a doubt in my mind.

you're going to buy, without a doubt, any fucking second. have an energy drink deal. Is that what you're in the market for? Yes, sir, I wanna be a sommelier of energy drinks. Yeah!

A sommelier. I don't know how to pronounce it. It's good enough, you don't have to. I wanna know what's the best energy drink. Oh, oh, lord, have mercy.

This is his territory, I mean. Rockstar, recovery, orange, if you like tang, or if you really wanna be cracked out and scratch your face a little bit.

It doesn't matter to Drew. It doesn't matter. I absolutely fucking love it. So, another fun fact is that after his last appearance, we were at Mitzi's, the bar here, and I was immediately nervous to see him there, cause I'm like, oh no, this guy's gonna get drunk and ruin his career before it even starts. But sure enough, I remember your order.

Can I say it? Yeah, yeah, you can say it! I said, Drew, do you want a water? That's what I say to people that I want to stay sober. I go, do you want a water or something?

And he goes, I'll have a Red Bull pineapple. Yeah, I'm wild, ladies!

I love it. You wouldn't need any of that. You don't need any of that crap in your life. It's not gonna mix well with you. Um, I mean, I absolutely love you, Drew.

This is your first time seeing Drew Nickens, you guys, right? Lewis and Sal? Yes. I see everyone on the Kill. Tony subreddit is going crazy over you, dude.

Yeah. They love you. Yeah, they love you. So I was very excited to see you. You have a.

You have a very sweet energy. I feel like I want to invite you into my home, but I wouldn't let you pet my cat because you'd kill it.

Or if I had four, and it's like 800 milligrams.

So you had none today, then. No, no, no, no, no. I had 800.. 800 milligrams of energy drinks. Four, four, uh, four, ghost energy.

Um,

yeah, everything seems urgent. Have you talked to a doctor about your heart, for real? Why would I ruin that type of fun? I don't get to drink and I don't get to do drugs. Don't kill my joy.

So, you realize, as you get pulled over, you're going to jail, no matter what. Nah, I'll get like one of those special green smocks. It'll be fun.

He's been to jail. So what made you start to go by milligrams, just out of curiosity? Because I was like, wow, I had four Red Bulls and I don't feel like I'm hyper. I don't feel like I'm living life. So what is the proper amount, in your mind, of, what's the range of milligrams that you like to go through?

Wait, I fucked up. Go ahead, go ahead. Alright, so 400 milligrams if I'm just trying to survive the day.

650 if I don't have to drive more than 30 minutes.

I live in DFW, that should give you a hint. And then

extreme danger, okay, I'm floating and I'm talking to. space, is 1,200 milligrams.

Oh!

I'd love to see you at a wake.

I've only been to like three funerals, they don't like me there. They don't like you there? No, they're like, that guy's having too much fun. He's over there fucking shotgunning Red Bulls over a coffin.

Tell us something else about your life that we didn't learn last time you were on. So, before I worked legal poker, I used to work illegal poker. Underground. I didn't even know that you work legal poker. What do you do for poker?

Okay, so I'm a cashier, they let me work with money, they're stupid. But I work in a legal room where you don't rake out of the pots, they only take $13 an hour now. Okay. And for every seat. So that's how they make their money.

Before that, I worked the underground scene. Okay, tell us about the underground scene. Alright, boys. They were even stupider, they let me be security!

A milli, right? No, there would be at least three girls to every ten guys. Wow. Okay. They didn't talk to me, unless it was to take out the trash, though.

Right. Okay. That makes sense. And then anything crazy ever happen there? Well.

Okay, relax. I fucked up. Well, one of the crazy things was like, I would walk into the bathroom because it would be unlocked, and there would be like some canoodling going on. What kind of canoodling? When you say canoodling, what exactly do you mean?

Fornication.

This is wild. Poker in the front, arcade in the back.

Drew, you are the fucking man. We have so much time to spend and find out more about you because you are the new.

regular on the show. Couldn't be more excited about it. Make some noise one more time for Drew Nickens everybody.

No, we gotta wait. Alright. Let's do a golden ticket winner everybody. Actually, let's go back to the bucket. We're gonna go to the golden ticket winner.

next. Back to the bucket. we go. We're gonna meet this guy all together. Make some noise for Pierre M, everybody.

Pierre M.

What's up, y'all? I know y'all are expecting something different, but I am Pierre. You know, I know what I look like. I know exactly what I look like, bro. I've never been to jail.

I take care of my kids. It's gonna be okay, I swear to God. Listen, the only thing keeping me out of prison is literally rape, dog. Like, fuck. doing life in prison.

Fuck, like, having to fight a bunch of white guys, skinheads. I'm not... Have y'all seen Oz? Y'all familiar with Oz? Alright, yeah.

I work out a lot, obviously. So, what I realized working out was, if I really was into rape, though, like, in a village situation, I could rape, like, 98% of y'all. I thought about it. I did the math. But I work out only for, like, a plan B, like, just in case.

Like, if this room went crazy, I don't want any of you white women, swear to God. No offense. Y'all, look great. Y'all look great. But I see what happens when black dudes get white women.

We running down the street, getting chased by.

. I can't fuck with it. But, in a village situation, bro, I can have my pick, bro. I'm looking around. I mean, it's a couple of y'all.

I can do what I want with y'all.

I was thinking about us new black people, right? I was like, I'm not calling us lazy. I don't think we're lazy, right? But I don't think we would make good slaves. Can you imagine Harriet Tubman...

Harriet Tubman! Look! They got my black heart.

Wow. Pierre M., ladies and gentlemen.

Pierre, Pierre, Pierre.

Welcome to the show, Pierre. What's up, man? This is incredible. Your first time on? Yes, sir.

Wow. I don't even know where. to begin with, you. You're like a healthy David Lucas.

I know David. I've told him that. I've told him that. I said, bro, if you get in shape, we could be like a duo or something. Yeah.

You're like slavid Lucas.

Ain't no way I look more slave than David, right? No fucking way. I love it. David has the softest hands of a black man I've ever felt in my life. He's never done any manual labor in his life.

It's true. Softest hands I've ever felt. It's true. Well, that's from massaging sticks of butter all day.

I love David, though, bro. I love David. We all love David. Absolutely. How long you been doing stand-up?

I went hard for like two years ago, for like two months. And when you go hard, I'd imagine 17 inches is my guess. I do all right, bro. I bet.

Pierre, is also how they describe the smell of R. Kelly's bedroom, by the way. I don't know if you know that. Louis J. Gomez.

If you're here, who's fucking my wife back at home right now? What color is your wife, bro? She's a white bitch. You know what's up, doggy. You're safe, bro.

You don't like white chicks? No, I don't. Oh, my God. You poor white chicks. You know what he would do to you?

Holy shit. I'm terrified of white women. Terrified. Terrified of what? White women.

White girls. I'm terrified. Oh, yeah, yeah. They're terrified of you.

I don't trust white people at all, bro. Tell us more. Tell us more about this distrust. Because they always come at you with a passive racism. Y'all know, like, hey, what apartment do you live in?

Do you live here? I'm like, bro. It's super nice. They get into your space with the nice shit, and they're like, nigga. You know, it slips out.

It's like right there on their forehead. I know what you want. I know what you want from me. I know nothing of that, Pierre, but who let you in tonight?

Yeah. No. Oh. Listen, I know you said you could probably rape almost anyone, but good luck catching Drew.

I'm not a white man either, so.

. How many milliliters are you talking? What? How many milliliters are we talking?

A milli, a milli, a milli, a milli. Oh, my God. Okay. Pierre, okay. So you've been on stand-up.

how long again? I would say like two months, two years ago, so not long at all. Not enough to be consistent. Okay. So, a couple years.

You're absolutely hilarious. Your stage presence is unbelievable. What do you do for work? I drive 18-wheelers. You drive 18-wheel trucks?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. That is incredible. Yeah, I have a job. It's a lot of guys over there that are homeless.

I guess being homeless is part of being a comedian, so.

. I missed that part. No, it's good. It's good to have a job. You don't have to be homeless.

All right. Some people just are insane. Yeah, man, I see you. You can do both. That's good.

How long you been driving 18-wheelers for? Six years. No, like eight years, sorry. Okay. Awesome.

I work for Pepsi. I deliver sodas. I mean, that's the same shit, 18-wheelers. Nice. Yeah.

Absolutely. There's some fat guy in the back.

I love Pepsi. Serving diabetes, man, you know, passing it out. Your shirt says New York. Is that where you're from? Nah, I just went thrift.

Oh, okay. All right. I'm born and raised in Austin, Texas. I see all the black guys. I see all the black guys y'all have here, and I'm like, bro, none of these niggas are from Austin.

I swear to God. They like communes, bro. I was born here in Austin, on the east side of Austin. I grew up in Del Valle, though. That's like right outside.

Yeah. But yeah, whole life here in Austin, Texas. Oh, that's amazing. Been trying to sneak in, bro. It's hard to get in this bitch.

I love it. You're in. You have arrived, Pierre. What would you tell people that are moving to Austin, Texas? What's your advice if you were going to be the head of tourism for Austin, Texas?

Are y'all sponsored by the barbecue place? y'all always eat at? What is it? Black?

CM Smokehouse. Is that a sponsor? To some effect, I mean, yes. I would go outside like Elgin. Elgin probably has the best barbecue.

You would say, don't go to the sponsor for the show. You said it. I agree with you, though. I wouldn't go there. Have you been there?

Yeah, I've been there. It's good. It's good. But I think the best barbecue is like outside, like Lockhart and Elgin. They got the best barbecue.

Right. Well, yeah, not all of us are down to drive hours and hours a day like you. Yeah, you're right. You're right.

I don't even recognize where the fuck I'm at, which is dope. I mean, y'all got the money, buy the houses, but fuck, it's tough, man. I don't know. I don't even know the east side of Austin, no more. They got like million dollar houses.

Well, yeah, the east side was. that was where we could almost say what the ghetto, right? I mean, that's pretty project. It was at one point called Blacksville. Am I correct?

I guess, bro. Yo, Tony. I know this. I did research when I first got here. Now we see white women juggling with babies.

I googled what part of Austin to not go to and it said the east side and that it was once called Blacksville. And that night, because I just got here, I did a joke about how it was once called Blacksville and nobody laughed. And I remember that very specifically that I was the only person that knew about Blacksville. Blacksville? I never heard that.

No, that's a.

I love you. I love you with a... South Volcano. You were born and raised here, but you don't really recognize it anymore because you see a lot of rich white people moving in. Not even rich white people, just rich people, period.

But you said rich white people moved in and gentrified it.

Oh, you're looking at me? Oh yeah, Tony's rich, yeah, of course. Well, I mean... Y'all pretty rich, right? You live here too?

No, I was just making fun of Tony. He's the richest out of all of us. By far. By leaps and bounds. By a hundred million dollars.

No, no, no, no, no.

Lewis needs a job. I would love to drive some 18 wheelers, dude. Nah, you don't. That shit's a nightmare.

You wouldn't do that at all, bro. Well, we're trying to get Lewis to move here so that it's de-gentrified. He's gonna try. More color than Austin? I like that, bro.

He's gonna take it back. So, Pierre, you said you're afraid of white women. So is it black women exclusively for you? Is that your thing? I mean, right now I'm kind of playing with the black.

I'm with a mix. right now. You're with a midget? Mixed.

Nah, nah, nah. More midget pussy.

I'm not afraid of white women. Our dynamic never matches. I don't really get them. Have you been on a date with a white woman? How does that go?

Where do you go? on a date? We met at a park and it was hot as fuck. It was her idea. Meet at the park, right?

She obviously saw your profile picture. She's like, let's meet out front of the police department.

Bro, yeah, I mean, maybe.

You'll be able to find me. I'll be the one wearing the rape whistle.

And a rose. She hit me up. It was back when I was outside a lot dating. We went to a park. She brought her cat to the park.

She brought her cat to the park? Yeah, bro, she brought her cat to the park. And she brought the food. And the food was like real mayonnaise-y. I wouldn't fuck with it.

A bunch of aioli. Aioli was on everything. I don't fuck with aioli, bro, at all. They're not all like that, Pierre. Bro, she brought like aioli sandwiches.

I don't fuck with aioli, bro. She was cute, though. And the blue eyes scared the shit out of me, bro. Maybe I'm the racist. Blue eyes scare you?

Yeah, man, it's like soulless, man. Oh, shit. There's nothing in there, bro. It's like blue eyes. look through you.

They don't see color, man. I don't know. These are things I think about. Like I said, maybe I'm the racist. No, I love you, Pierre.

You're fucking amazing. Don't change a single thing. Everything you say is kind of funny. I appreciate it, bro.

He's so fucking naturally charismatic. He's awesome, dude. You haven't been doing it a couple months. You should keep on trying to do comedy. You have a thing.

Very funny. What's the longest set you've ever done? I've done like five minutes. Five minutes? That's it?

He blew that bitch's back out. Oh, you're the worst. She couldn't walk after that.

Do you want to do five minutes at the Secret Show Thursday? There you go. That's how you can start people's careers, Red Band. Hell yeah. Here's a big joke book.

Make some noise for Pierre, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my goodness. He has arrived.

Hello, this podcast is sponsored by Liquid Death. Look, you've seen the cans before. to the naked eye. It may look like a beer or some crazy energy drink, but it's not. Perhaps you've noticed a coworker cracking a Tallboy at your 9 a.m.

meeting and you thought they were a nasty little alcoholic. Well, you were wrong and should be embarrassed because they were drinking Liquid Death. Liquid Death is actually a healthy beverage brand that makes mountain spring water, low sugar sodas and low sugar iced teas, too. I bet you're wondering why a health beverage would be called Liquid Death. Speaking of death, Red Band.

Well, Tony, that's because Liquid Death will brutally murder your thirst and their recyclable cans are helping to bring death to single-use plastic bottles. Liquid Death also donates a portion of profits from every can sold to help kill plastic pollution. That is amazing, Red Band. My favorite flavor is severed lime and I drink it every time I need a cold one. It's also super fun to drink in public, because people think it's a beer, and drinking beer makes you look cool, and I love looking cool.

But do you know what's really cool? Staying hydrated, get free shipping of Liquid Death's mountain water, flavored, sparkling and iced tea 8-packs with Amazon Prime, or grab a can or a case at your local 7-Eleven, Target, Walmart, Old Foods or on Instacart. Go to LiquidDeath.com slash Tony to check out all their healthy, infinitely recyclable beverages and find your closest retailer. That's LiquidDeath.com slash Tony.

LiquidDeath.

com slash Tony right now.

Oh, yeah. We have a golden ticket winner here, ladies and gentlemen. This guy won a golden ticket all the way back five or six years ago in Portland, Oregon. Make some noise for him. It's the return of Todd Royce, everybody.

It's been a long time. Todd Royce, everybody.

I'm gonna be honest with you. I'm not great at fucking.

And it's unfortunate because my wife is amazing at sex, or so I've heard. I don't know if that's. I don't know if that's true or not, but well, you hear the other comics talk and.

And by the way, I'm sorry. If that ruins your perception of me, when you saw me walk through that curtain, if you were like, man, I bet this guy can lace and bite. No. Turns out. not so much.

I just always, and now it's gotten even worse now that I'm in my forties, and I know I look a little young for my age, but that's because I'm a health nut.

They say black don't crack, while obese don't crease.

I just always thought when I got older, big fat body, big fat cock, and no. I don't know why my grandma told me that.

Thank you, guys.

I don't know. Right. Yeah. I did find out earlier that I gotta start eating Chinese pussy. That's something.

That is true. You have a lot of Chinese pussy to eat.

I've been doing half of that for a long time. Hell yeah. Eating Chinese. I don't know. Never mind.

Tony, back to you. I love it. You are just as funny as I remember you, and bigger than I recall.

Those are the biggest shaking tits I've ever seen. I would almost, I want to call them pecs, but I mean, they're so far under there that I have to call them tits. Well, you know, they're what they call man boobs. But I like the man part of it. Very manly.

Right? You see it. You're really close. This guy's scared to death. If I fall, he's dead.

Yeah.

You didn't know. this was the danger zone right here. Do anything come out of those tits? If you squeeze it, does muscle milk come out, or something? Like, what happens exactly?

Does muscle milk come out of it? Is that what you're asking me? I've said this before. I actually, I had a medical issue. believe it or not.

I had a kidney stone, and people say that when a man has a kidney stone, it's more painful than when a woman gives birth to a child.

Yeah, oh yeah. Oh my god. Just right straight out. I was a squirter. So you passed the kidney stone?

I passed the kidney, well, no, I had to go to the hospital because the kidney stone, this will be fun for you guys, the kidney stone was actually stuck right at the very tip of my dick and it couldn't come out. They had to. actually, you'll actually love this. I went to the hospital. I will love it?

What, they have to suck it out of you or something?

Fuck you guys.

Thank you, lady. Some lady's just flipping me off. Literally got mad. Okay, go ahead. Every time I'm in the green room, I can never find you and I have to look down here to make sure.

Oh you, son of a bitch. That's where I was, I was sucking the fattest guy's cock.

So what happened with your kidney stone? So I had to go to the hospital, they had to have, the doctor told me he needed the nurse to come in and help him get it out, and she, Because it was a kidney boulder. Dude, you have no idea. Dude, this chick came in and this is the sexiest woman I've ever seen in my life. My wife is the most beautiful woman in the world.

to me. My wife can eat a dick. This chick was so fucking hot and I thought, like, you know, she was going to come in. I think your wife would eat a dick, but it looks like you've eaten all of them already.

Coming from someone who's eaten his share, I.