#671 - ARI SHAFFIR - MARK NORMAND - H. FOLEY - KEVIN RYAN

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up my Tony Hinchcliffe.

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

We made it. Make some noise for Red Band everybody.

You're here. The number one live podcast in the world. Kill Tony, brought to you by Game Time, Liquid IV and Talk Space. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh?

Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande, the great Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, John D's on the keys, and this is D Madness on the bass guitar, ladies and gentlemen.

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That it? You guys ready to start tonight's episode?

We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. I'd like to present three of our favorite guests ever in the history of the show. Make some noise for Mark Norman, H. Foley, and Kevin Ryan everybody. Yeah!

Mark Norman!

Great to be here, gang. Great to be here. We're gonna have fun here tonight. They are on tour. The R.U.

Garbage guys are on their Route 66 tour. Go to RUgarbage.com for tickets. Mark, numerous specials, numerous everything. He's on tour. MarkNorman.com.

Oh yeah, check out my OnlyFans. That's right. Yeah. I've been on it.

I love it. You guys know how the show works. You've been on numerous times before.

229 comedians signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket here tonight. Wow. If they get picked, they get 60 seconds. on this stage. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which interrupts them, and then I interview them and we all find out more about them. Maybe something they should talk about or something interesting about their lives. All of a sudden they go from being a comedian for 60 seconds to a guest on a live podcast in a sold out show in the live comedy capital of the world, Austin, Texas.

You guys ready to start the show? Well, I pull a name out of the bucket. They go and grab this person from the bar across the street and while they are wrangling that person, I would like to present one of our regulars, everybody. We have a rotating panel of regulars now, and this is the newest regular on the show. One of the two newest regulars on the show.

He's an absolute freak of nature. He is the Estonian assassin, ladies and gentlemen. Here with a brand new minute. Make some noise for one of your new favorite comedians in the world. Ari Maddy, everybody.

Here we go.

Hello, Austin, Texas. How are we?

Yes, I'll tell you about my dream. I want an American passport and I need help with that. To be honest, I just want a passport where, if I go missing, somebody comes looking. Because I have an Estonian passport. If I get in trouble here, I'm fucked.

But with the American one with that eagle on your shit, you could be in fucking Beirut. You pull that shit out, you know, people will back the fuck up. You could be some random whore sucking dick in Pakistan. If you go missing, bro, Navy SEALs in the night.

Night vision goggles on and shit. They shoot Ahmed in the head.

Brittany Grimer, that bitch, took weed to Russia and you were like, we gotta get our girl back. Exchange her for an active terrorist so she could come back and play point guard for a made up subsidiary league.

He did it again. Ari Maddy, with another brand new, fucking hilarious minute. Thank you. What's up, Tony? One of the funniest rising young comedians in the world.

Probably the funniest sounding human being in comedy history. That Estonian accent trumps everything. That's a good one. We learned it last week. James McCann, with his thick Australian accent, and you were going, we're having a great conversation back and forth, and you just trumped him.

Totally. I mean, you sound funnier than almost everybody. Okay. He sounds scary to me. I don't know what you're talking about.

Why do you say that?

All right. I've been to New York and whenever I get scared in New York, I just crank up the accent. I'm as Russian as I need to be. You know what I'm saying?

I'll tell you. I see a black guy on the corner. I'm like, there is problem.

What's going on, homeboy?

I'll tell you, if all migrants look like that, I'd say open that border. Hell, yes.

Here, put one of your legs this way. Thank you. I got the bars.

You got the middle seat. What are you, crazy? Why are you flying to? Oh, man. Can I get a double gin and tonic?

Man, my ass is cold. Woo! I left two Biscoff cookies. Thank you.

Amazing.

Fucking, unbelievably amazing. Fat jokes are funny. I thought I was brought here for a good time, not to be insulted. Oh, sorry, sorry. You look great.

Enough, Ari fatty. Let's go back to Ari Maddy. You are very, very, very fat, you know?

I'm from Russia. Have you ever seen anybody this fat? No, you would be like a circus act.

I saw him wrestle two goats last night. Very good. This is Vladimir Pudding.

Absolutely incredible. Oh, God.

Ari, what do Estonian people look like? Do they all look like you? Is it more Swedish? See, what's really good about my country is... He's so sexy.

We got like.

. Everybody. fucked us. Viking, German, Russian. So the genetic pool, you know?

Now I have like baby blue eyes, you know? Yeah, look at the British people. Not so good, you know?

That's what happens when an empire fights back too hard. You know what I'm saying?

They are a hideous people. How does it end up that way? Who went and fucked up England?

People fuck anyway, even if new people come.

They keep it tight. They do. There's places like that in America too, aren't there? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

For sure. Not far from here at all.

This guy made the drive from wherever it is.

You got a couple cousins under your belt, don't you? This guy's got three eyes. Look at him. You have a couple cousins above your belt.

Is everyone in your family good-looking? Blonde hair, blue eyes? Well, everyone's dead, but... Jesus Christ. Chernobyl, huh?

How did they die? Why did everyone die? Heart attack, you know? Poisoning.

Just a rough life out there, you know? Yeah, if they're gay, they kill you. Actually, we just legalized.

How about that? You legalized being gay? Yes. You left too early.

I love it. Ari, what did you do for work in Estonia? before you were a comedian? I used to be a bartender. Can you see this shit?

Oh, my goodness, gracious.

Wow. All right. Wow. Do you still know how to make drinks? Hell yeah, dude.

What do you need, baby? An old-fashioned. How would you make it? Oh, you know. Get some whiskey.

Uh-huh. Like in a glass, you know? Yeah. Eye of newt. Come on, Cosby makes a better drink.

And then you just fuck it up, you know? Just shake it up. real good. I was more of a visual bartender, you know? Okay, yeah.

Just there for the looks. I love it. Ari, what... You. okay, over there?

You getting ready for a big solo or something? What the fuck could possibly be happening back here? Jesus Christ.

I love it, Ari. I love it. Anything else crazy happen in Austin this week? Well, I had something pretty scary happen. Ooh.

So I had a really good gig one night, you know, when that happens. And I was sitting at the bar after the show. and then, near the bathrooms here, a lady comes up to me and she's shit-faced. Things are going well. She's like stroking my cock.

Ooh. On the outside of your pants? Yeah, like... That's not really stroking. That's more of like a pressure...

What's this move? I don't know, but I'm into it. Whatever it is. I'm slipping off my chair over here, big guy. I think that's called the P.

Diddy.

And I'm also like feeling her.

. What are you doing? You're like going over her pants. Grabbing her dick. Yeah, exactly.

And we're like, you know, when the tongues do this shit. Oh, yeah, French kissing. So then I do another gig. She hangs around here. Later I see her at the bar.

here. I see her from the back. She's ordering drinks. She's got the ass out. Things are looking good.

Wait, when you say the ass is out? You know when they're at the bar like this? Oh, yeah. And you see like the rectangle of the dream.

This part. Jesus Christ. Yeah. And then I go behind her, like all sexy, you know what I mean? Yeah, I know you.

I go, all sexy, up to her hair. And I go, what you looking? She turns around, different lady. Oh, shit. Already a rapist.

Yeah, there you go. Fit into the American stand-up comedy culture. That is incredible. And then I didn't sleep for three days. Yeah.

Well, I'll sleep tonight thinking about that tush.

Boksberge. That's so hot. Oh, Jesus Christ.

The girls in Estonia, they're all very pretty too? Super pretty, super pretty. And smart too. Any black girls there? No, no, no.

Actually,

there's one, two, I know them. Okay. How dare you. So, we're coming up, you know? Uh-huh.

We have some black guys, like one guy moved to Estonia. It's not great if you can count them. One guy, our first black we got, it was... It was like major news, you know? Everybody's like, oh my God.

We got one. It's just an Italian guy.

Surprised. you have a couple, because black people are rarely Russian. It's true. They don't move that fast. They're late a lot.

Yep. That was the joke.

Ari, I love your style. You did it again. What a great way to start the show. Thank you so much. Ari Maddy.

We're on a mission. He's got seven months to get his green card. We made him a regular, making new American citizens. Don't you think he should be an American citizen, huh?

All right. And now to the bucket. we go. We're going to meet someone all together. This is the beating pulse of the show, ladies and gentlemen.

60 seconds uninterrupted for your first bucket pool tonight. Brian Cook, everybody. Here we go. We're going to go with Brian Cook.

Thank you very much. Now, you can tell it is summertime in Austin, Texas, because all of our unhoused, homeless neighbor friends have turned a nice, crispy golden brown. Now, I do not mean that racially. I mean that, like fried chicken. There's bumps and boils.

There's cracks and crevices. It's dripping oil and spices. It's a health hazard. You got to call 3-1-1 or don't call 3-1-1.. I don't care.

I don't care about the Bud Light scandal. I don't drink Bud Light. Do you know what I drink? I drink off-brand Gatorade from the dollar store with a little bit of fentanyl in it. I call it a white Powerade.

Now, again, I do not mean that racially. I mean that, like the white sheet, the coroner is going to pull over your head if you drink it. It's okay. if I drink it. I got a tolerance.

I'm from North Austin. I know what I'm doing. I actually live here in Austin. I call my house Fort Hood. That's not because I used to be in the Army.

It's because I live in the ghetto and I'm armed to the teeth. Try it, you fucking tweakers. Okay?

You're going to be terrorized, traumatized, and you're going to leave with nothing. If you haven't been divorced or been in New Orleans, consider yourself lucky. I've been through both and I'll take my chances in the East Bank. Thank you. Okay, Brian Cook.

Fuck yeah. Came in, guns a-blazin'. All right, let's talk about it, Brian. How long you been doing stand-up? The 20th.

In a couple days, it'll be two full years. Hey, congratulations. Yeah, today's the 17th. Oh, you're saying your anniversary is the 20th. My AA date.

Okay, welcome. Welcome, Brian. So you've been doing it two years. What made you start? How old are you?

46.

. 46.. Wow.

Holy shit. That kid's had a rough paper route. God damn. He's been a wildlife. He's got fucking city miles on him.

Man. Jesus. Brian Overkill. Brian is six years older than me, ladies and gentlemen. True.

Holy shit. How many military deployments have you been on? Oh, wow. Let's talk about that, Brian. Where have you been?

I was in Bosnia, but I was in the Army for six years. So we've got some Californians out there. The National Training Center in Fort Irwin. It seems like I went there once a year for four or five straight years. That's about enough of the desert.

Okay. You kill any sand rabbits when you were out there? Not intentionally. Not intentionally? No.

At night it gets weird. You're driving with the night vision goggles. It's like the Road Runner and the coyote out there. You just kind of run over whatever. We'll see what happens.

Okay, so that's a yes. You've killed people before. Not intentionally. Okay.

And what did you? I was a 19 Delta. I was a Cavalry Scout. Okay. What do they do?

We're the Ford Observers. They all have tattoos. But no, we're the ones. In the Old West we were on the horses with General Custer, but these days we're the Ford Observer for the tank and Bradley units. General Custard is one of H.

Foley's favorite desserts.

He'll take any General Custard that you offer him.

Okay. Brian Cook. So what do you do for work? now? I am in the service center of a local car dealership.

The service center. Yeah, you bring your, I don't know, let's say your Cadillac Escalade in to get service. He's going to steal the rims. Absolutely. That's goal number one.

Don't leave your stuff inside the cars, but that's another story. Now, if you get your service appointment, we'll take you to the airport and take you back home and make sure your car gets fixed on time and give you the call when it's ready and all that good stuff. Why would you take somebody to the airport? Because people are jet setters and they got places to go. They give me the keys, they say, take this guy to the airport.

I'm like, no problem. I love your style. You married? Not yet. Not yet?

No. Any day now. Any day now. You have a girlfriend? That's a sticky subject, because it's Austin, it's a freak show here.

The last one took off for Nashville in February and I got a text this weekend and I don't even know what she was doing in Nashville. We can leave that alone.

He's got one in the freezer in his house.

Okay, Brian. Very, very interesting. 46 years old. Tell us, is that just the military you think? No.

Why you look like you're your own grandfather?

Part of it's just being an outside cat, you know, as opposed to one of the fresh-faced video game people, but we went high school, army, college, 10 years in the music business, went back to college, pandemic, landed here. What did you do in the music business? I was a journalist. I wrote a lot of concert reviews, record reviews, some interviews, a lot of the Austin Chronicle, not to name names, but the stuff like that, the free weeklies. Whoa!

Why didn't you say you were with the Chronicle? Jesus! No, I wasn't with them, but that kind of a thing. Every city has.

that type of thing. If you were going to write a review of your set... Great question. Like, Lemmy from Motorhead in the last three weeks of life. Okay.

Another thing I didn't get.

Instead of writing local news, instead of, oh, the girls' volleyball is going to the tournament and we got flu shots, let's write about something I'm actually interested in. A real, kind of simple base urge. How about now, musically? Do you still go out and see music? Yes.

Where do you go? I like the Mohawk. It's my favorite one in town. Emo's, for being a kind of house of blues venue, is still a very cool place. The 13th Floor, that used to be Beer Land, that's a good one.

I'm missing one. Moody Center for the big stuff. We're in the mood. Yeah, that's arena. There's still a lot of good music places around town.

The Far Out Lounge down south, down by South Park Meadows. I know that about it. Okay, very good. How many cups of coffee did you have today? It was all natural, man.

Is it natural? So hyperactive. When I was a kid, the teachers begged my mom to put me on the Ritalin and the AD and all that bullshit. We never did, because we're not going to medicate our kids. They should have fucking medicated their kids.

Yeah, we might have missed that one. Jesus Christ. Swing and a miss. He's aging quicker.

Wow. Amazing. When you said Ritalin, I'm like, they had Ritalin when you were a kid, and then I remembered you're only six years older than me. That's fucking crazy.

I've never seen anyone that looks like you be like, they wanted to put me on Ritalin as a kid. Normally, they would just hit people with you over the head with a rock or something. Settle you down. Yeah, if you go to the movies, you'll get a discount. Bring it on.

But what movies we're seeing? You should write a review about that. Brian, I love it. What else? You have any other special skills or talents?

I don't know if it's a talent, but I buy and sell baseball cards on eBay for profit. That's what we did during the pandemic, when there was nothing to do. Let's sell some baseball cards. Which pandemic?

The Spanish flu. Yeah, exactly. I love it. Okay. How much meth will we find in that stash?

On the advice of counsel, I elect not to answer. Oh, my goodness. There we go. Look at that. Look at that.

Amazing, Brian. Well, congratulations on getting pulled out of the bucket. You're getting a little joke book here tonight. Welcome two years into the game, Brian Cook, everybody.

We have an insider. One of you, an audience member, has been pulled out of the bucket, ladies and gentlemen.

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Here he comes, representing you. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? This is J-Legend.

I should probably stop smoking weed, it's fucking my life up. I don't like how my brain is starting to work. I think the weed is too good. This is how I knew I was getting bad. The other day, for 45 minutes, I watched a bird argue with a squirrel.

And that's not even the part that let me know I was high. The part that let me know I was high was I could understand what they was arguing about. It was real intense. I'm going to let y'all know what happened, since y'all wasn't there. So I was outside, I'm out of my business.

A squirrel started searching for food on the ground. Out of nowhere, a bird flies past and shit near what a squirrel trying to get food at. This pissed the squirrel off. I could tell it pissed him off because he instantly looked up the bird. He was like, hey, nigga, watch where you shitting.

Which let me know instantly, this is a black squirrel and he on fucking business. You don't fuck with black squirrels like that. He'll pull up with a squirrel, homie, and fuck this whole place up.

It was getting real intense, but I couldn't stay to see what happened. Because, like I said, I had been out there for 45 minutes and my break was only 30.. So I had to get back to fucking work.

Hey, y'all, that's my time. I'm Jay Legend. Jay Legend making his Kill Tony debut right now.

The funny part is.

That is definitely what it's called. How old is the kid? He's two, about to be three in August. Two, about to be three in August. How often do you visit the kid?

Since I've been here, I've only seen him twice. He actually just came out. So I talk to him on the phone every day. They know I'm hustling and making money. I always send money home.

But they actually, I flew them out here yesterday for Father's Day. So I got to see him for a couple hours. I appreciate this. And it's hard out here for a black man trying to be a father. It is.

It's hard out there for a black man trying to be a father. There's four of them total in the world right now.

It's basically like living in Estonia.

Hell yeah. Incredible. So wait, you said that... I'm still kind of confused. First, you said when you woke up today, which I'm guessing was 3 p.m.

Yes. You said, if you get pulled, you're going to call your baby mama and say what? I've been doing, my thing out here in Austin. I've been fucking other women. It's basically what I was going to...

But doesn't she know that you're fucking other women? She don't ask. Don't ask, don't tell kind of thing. Right. Don't ask, don't tell.

Number 10.

. No doubt about it. Whatever you do, don't ask. Don't ask.

Okay. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up five years. Five years. And how long have you worked at the mothership?

Three months now. Three months. What were you doing before this? Before this, I was just moved out here. I had quit my job and left everything in Florida.

What was the job in Florida? I was in-home healthcare. So I was taking care of this 70-year-old white dude, helping him go to the bathroom and shit. Oh. Damn.

It was your last comic. I'd clean his house. Clean his house and shit. That's all I would do. Wow.

Yeah, yeah. Wow. Wow. Was he nice? Yeah, he was.

It was weird at times because I would be cleaning, and he'd be sitting there in his wheelchair, and I'd look up, and he's just watching me, and I felt like my ancestors was hating me. I didn't want to...

Wow.

Amazing. Like, look at your dumb ass. All this work we did.

I got cotton shirts for him and shit. I don't know. Isn't it crazy that you've probably wiped his ass more than your own son's ass? Yeah. No, no, never.

I can't wait to show how good of a dad I am in these videos. I'll take a picture every time I'm with him. I love it. Jay, what else do you do other than stand-up comedy? What else are you into?

I really just love this, but I do everything. I'm one of them... You know what a road dog is? Yeah. Yeah, whatever you down to do, I'm down to do.

I don't give a fuck. Even swimming? Even swimming. Oh, shit. As long as I can get on your back and shit.

No boats. I know what the fuck happens.

Where do you think we would take you on a boat? You're already here. I don't know. New slavery world or whatever the fuck.

We got a new place for you, niggas. It'd be funny if they took a boat to jail. Like, here's your dumb ass, here, we got him.

She's on the lighter side. Yeah, I'm trying to transition to white. Right. Tell us about this transitioning that you're going through. I just feel like it'd be an easier life, I don't know.

Yeah.

Look, I got a white woman. Oh, come on in. That's what I feel like life is like. Right.

Tell that to Dolezal. Yeah.

I love it. Jay, amazing performance tonight. Very fun stuff. Welcome. You were right.

You had a great fucking set. Appreciate it. I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Here's the big joke bug.

There goes Jay Legend, everybody.

And now it is time for your next comedian. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Ari Shafir, everybody. Ari Shafir. Oh, my goodness.

What?

I just got back from Australia. It's a country.

Went to a rugby match, and everybody there was making fun of Americans. They said, you guys are fucking Americans with your football. You're all wearing helmets and pads. You're all pussies. That's what they call us.

Pussies, because we wear helmets and pads for football. Well, you wear helmets and pads, too, if you played against black people.

Yeah, you don't have that there.

I'm sure I wouldn't wear helmets and pads, too, if I was soft, living coddled to the ground by a soft white.

Try being rushed by someone who's about to bring the property values down in your neighborhood.

This is the first time, perhaps, in 11 years in the history of the show, that you have worn an outfit. Dude, listen. I get what you're saying, but... Where is that dick and balls, Ari?

I was.

. Tony, that was childish. That's child's play. I'm not a child. I'm a grown-up.

I'm an adult. Is that why you're dressed like a pedophile tonight?

You went straight from being a child to fucking them? You got a tune of these kids to become men.

Little Dick Tracy over there. Not bad. Red Band. Whoa, Red Band. Red Band with the Dick Tracy reference from the early 90s, ladies and gentlemen.

Fresh, hot and ready.

I had to flee the country after the last time. I said I masturbated in front of a minor.

I've changed my ways. I've grown up now. That was the old Ari. That Ari's dead. now.

I'm an adult.

What is your plan with this new Ari? You worked so hard on the old Ari. Yeah. It took so much work. You had many different ways and devices of pulling your dick and balls out.

The last time we saw you, you were in a Lakers jersey at the Forum. Number 24.. I can't remember who that was. I can't remember his name. I looked up his stats.

There's no good stats for the last couple of years. I'm not sure.

And there was a hole. There was a giant hole at the lower part of the jersey. There was a hole in the hearts of the Lakers, because they're fucking heroes, dude.

But there was a hole, yeah. And I saw, guys, look how gravity works. I can't control this stuff. My dick and balls fell through that hole. And right into the longing gaze of a 13-year-old child.

It's true. There was a young boy in the front row. Actual audio of him crying. Sounds kind of young for a 13-year-old. But we saw a 46-year-old that looked 93 earlier.

So anything can happen.

I saw that guy. So now you're dressed. He's got a walker outside.

He got off, like, give it to me. And he had the fucking tennis balls. It was souped up.

Souped up. Well, I'm pumped, Ari. I mean, I love that we have this new grown-up version of you. I would love for you to join us for the rest of the show, if that's cool with you. We got a big stool back here.

You guys think the legendary Shabir should join us?

Well, I'd love that, Tony. We got a big stool for you. Here, pull it a little bit closer to the drum set here. Of course, we have you and a blind man coming to your seats at the same time. with my luck.

That's perfect. Right there. Come on in, D.

D-Madness. It smells like money. There's a reason.

There's a Jew next to you, D-Madness. Don't panic. It's a real-life Jew. Yeah, you're good. Yeah.

There you go. It's going to be a tight squeeze, but we got a fucking full set up here. How cool is this? Ari Shabir joining the fray. The lovely Heidi is here.

Look at this. Bringing a little relief to this fucking kielbasa festival. we have here. Kielbasa? Kielbasa.

I'm a married man, goddammit.

And with that, let's keep the fun train moving along. We have a Golden Ticket winner here, ladies and gentlemen. One of the original Golden Ticket winners. This guy, won it at 20 years old, a day before he turned 21.. He cashed in his Golden Ticket the next day at the Comedy Store.

Won it in Phoenix, Arizona at the age of 20.

. Cashed in the next day at 21 at the Comedy Store. Ladies and gentlemen, five or six-year Kiltony Golden Ticket veteran, this is the long-awaited return of Tristan Bowling, everybody.

Oh, what's up, Kiltony?

Man, I live in New York, which is awesome. I love seeing Broadway musicals. I recently saw the Michael Jackson musical.

I did see Leaving Neverland first.

The spooky prequel.

I went in a little chuffed. I'm like, what has this Michael Jackson guy ever done? And let me tell you, by the end of the musical, 180..

I think I can safely say from the bottom of my heart, I don't think I care about the whole kid thing.

He's the best. He's the best who's ever done. it. Turns out, you can do both.

We're going to limit that guy? Really? Honestly, between doing Thriller and doing that, take a Saturday, man.

Where's your vacation days, brother?

There's a very funny part in the musical where it's like, Michael, you know what they're saying about you? That you're bleaching your skin? That you're laundering money? That's it.

And I'm in the back like, there's a third thing. Didn't even know about laundering money. I'm not going to lie to you. Alright, my name's Tristan, have a good night. Tristan, Bowling with a brand new minute.

Fun stuff. Welcome back. Hello. Hello, bud. Thanks for having me, man.

Last time we saw you, you also looked like a child, and now you look like a pedophile as well. There's a running theme going on here that already started. You look like you're transitioning from scientist to mad scientist. Yeah. They're not understanding me.

But yeah, I got a haircut, and I'm glad I look like a pedophile. Nothing's changed. You do. How old are you now, Tristan? I just turned 26 in May.

That's right. 26..

I love it. And you started out in Phoenix. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you did comedy in Phoenix for years. Yeah, yeah.

Then you recently moved to New York. Yeah, a year and a half ago. How's that going for you? It's going good. I got my first full-time job there.

What's that? Guys, that's a failure as a comedian. Yeah.

That is true. Uh, no. I'm a kindergarten lunch lady. Are you really? Yeah, yeah.

Whoa. Ari, your dream job.

I've seen him tutoring. It's nice. Tutoring? Sorry.

So you exclusively only serve lunch to kindergartners? Yeah, very, extremely rich kindergartners. It's demeaning, dude. Tell us more about it. They call me Mr.

Lunch Lady.

That's not so bad. I mean, it sucks coming from... You've been called worse for sure. Yeah. No, absolutely.

You look like you run the projector at a porno theater.

We worked together in Houston. No, Austin. Phoenix. Yes, we did. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We got there. That was a fun weekend. Yeah, it was very fun, dude. It's weird. One of the kids who I feed, his dad's a Knicks player.

Sounds like he's breastfeeding. Such a wild way to say that. I mean, what else do I do? It sounds like he doesn't have a choice in the matter. Don't mind the nipple ring.

Just go ahead and suck. Yeah.

They latch easy.

It's iron. Yeah, yeah. What kind of food do you serve these kids? Do you have any on you? Do you have any general custard?

. We do stir Fridays every Friday. Oh, my God. H. Foley's hard as a rock right now.

Keep going.

What else do you got? Stir Fridays? We got stir Fridays. We make our own pizza. Everything's in-house.

It's fucking insane. Tuition for kindergarten is $70,000 a year. Whoa! Oh, my God. Yeah, it's nuts.

And you were saying one of the kids' father plays for the New York Knicks? Yeah. I won't say who. I want to keep my job. Wow.

That is incredible. Tony, aren't you performing where they play? Yes, we are performing at Madison Square Garden. We're doing Kill Tony there. The home of the Knicks.

Who knows? Maybe one day we'll be able to send our children to get lunch from your creepy ass. Yeah.

No.

It's why the kids G-check me a lot. What does G-check mean? They call me on... I asked one of the kids what he's doing for summer vacation, and he told me that he's going to Dubai. Jeez.

And I'm like, I haven't left the country. And in that moment, I wanted to tell him that Santa wasn't real. This new...

I don't know how to hurt him, the way he hurt me.

That's amazing. This new wobbly arm thing you're doing, did you pick that up in New York, this new fucking thing? That's a New York thing. We always talk about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's how I got here. I don't know. Now I'm very self-conscious about it. Yeah, well, you can't stop. now.

There's the double hand thing. I tried the baby left arm, but I know it's going to do the same thing. So, yeah. From New York... Oh,

I love it. No, it's very... It's fun. I love my job. I'm sorry.

How much are you making? Almost nothing.

Almost nothing. What's your living situation like in New York? I live in 480 square feet with a girlfriend and two cats. Whoa. I smell everybody's shit.

It's bad.

But art, you know? Amazing. What does your girlfriend do? She has a real job. She lives with disappointment.

Yeah. She buys groceries for the homeless guy. No, she's a data analyst. She's got a master's degree and stuff. Wow.

She's got an Asian. No, I'm no red band. Whoa. Red band's got an Asian. I'm a lead band.

You don't live in 400 square feet, you loser? My bathroom, yes. Fuck, all right. Damn. That is fair.

And still, she smells everybody's shit, too. I'm pretty sure, because this guy takes massive, massive dumps, I'm sure. Disgusting. Okay, Tristan, anything else we should know about? Another great performance.

It's just a lot of fun. I was going to tell you, I did see something weird in New York. I was outside smoking, weed with my buddies, and some random dude came up and asked if we wanted to see his chest tattoos. And, duh. And so he showed me, and it was Stewie Griffin and Brian Griffin fighting Lois and Marge, which they teamed up.

Wow. And I was just like, are you going to get any more done? He's like, yeah, I'm going to get Peter Griffin fighting the chicken. Right here. And then he went and got in a car he owned.

So that made me feel like shit.

I need a podcast studio. Tristan, we watched you from your start. We've watched you grow. It's been five or six years. we've known you.

Tristan, Bowling, everybody. Thank you. Golden ticket winner cashing in.

He's on the Secret Show on Thursday. I know that for a fact. I heard you invite him earlier.

All right. Your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen, is another inside bucket pull. It's another one of... This is a true audience member here. Jay Legend, of course, is working here.

But this is one of you. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for JC Superspeed.

JC Superspeed. Is that JC?

That's JC? All right. Here we go.

JC Superspeed, looking very nervous. Just a heads up. Here he comes, everybody.

Austin, Texas. How y'all doing tonight?

It's only one minute. Not a lot of time, to get me fired. So let's go. Since COVID, I work from home now. That means I wear more clothes on PTO than anything.

So, speaking of COVID, I love watching people who are on their fifth booster. And I'm looking at them on their fifth fucking eyeball, just winking at me. Right? It's like, bro, what the fuck? Six feet, please.

Six feet. That's where that came from, Fauci, you stupid motherfucker. Anyways. So relax, relax. Relax.

Next one.

So I don't know why so many dudes are chopping their dicks off right now.

Like, bro, what are you doing? You're gonna get paid so much less.

Genital mutilation. That's the real wage gap, y'all. The economy, I'd have a joke for that, but, you know, I can't afford it. No, I want to hear it. We're gonna take the bear out of this element.

I'm gonna interrupt you right there. You have a lot written down. You have a lot typed out there. This is your first time attempting stand-up? First time, Tony.

First time. First time. Give it up. Give it up. Let's hear some more of these jokes.

So I want to hear what you wrote. Your biggest laugh of your set was your new famous tagline, relax, relax. Relax. Which you said to a room of 400 people that were making no noise whatsoever. And then you said, quote, let's bring it down a bit.

All right. Which, again, was just people reacting to your usage of relax, when nobody was doing anything at all whatsoever. Could be the greatest branding tagline ever. Because, I mean, you had nothing and you said relax, and you got a big laugh. Whatever works.

It wouldn't even have worked if they were laughing. You would have brought down your own laughter had they been laughing. Instead, you took nothing and turned it into something by telling them to do less. And that's how it's done. That's how it's done, Austin, Texas.

Thank you very much. Welcome to another episode of Accidentally Hilarious with J.C. Superspeed, a blatant fake name, put on his sunglasses after he hit the stage.

It's so bright. It's so bright right now. Holy shit. Hey, lights, relax. Relax.

Easy does it. I'm working up here.

He wrote them out. He typed them out. He printed them out. We so rarely see this anymore. Ladies and gentlemen.

Buddy, can I tell you a little tip? You can write with a bigger font. Yeah, I know. You don't have to accept the font that was given. As an adult, this is the kind of thing I know.

Size 13 was a bad choice. He started bigger and then he said, let's bring it down a bit. Let's bring it down.

Let's hear some more J.

C. Superspeed's written-out jokes. Y'all want to hear a couple more? Let's go. You know what?

I have a better idea. Is it okay if I read a couple of your jokes?

Let me see that.

No, no, no.

Here we go.

Since COVID, COVID, Fauci, you dumb motherfucker. Okay, we got to that. The real pay gap, genital mutilation, the economy. I'd have a joke for that one, but I can't afford it right now. Absolutely.

It's not that I hate gay people.

That's all I have so far. It says that. See, that was a good one. You should have opened. with that.

There's no way for you to know what was going to hit and what wasn't. Here we go. I love politics, because it's so crazy right now. On one side, they say that there's so many pedos, but you can't see them, right? And on the other side, they want to take our guns away.

What?

I think you got to put the sunglasses on. Okay. Now this says action with Mike, so you do the action. I'll read the joke. You ready?

Jesus Christ. I saw Drake's dick. It's big.

Wow.

It says action. Just look at the crowd, bewildered.

Just look at them, be bewildered. And then it says let me explain. Action. Turn Mike upside down and use it as pendulum. Go to sleep, then open eyes wide.

Okay.

This is like if an alien tried to do stand-up comedy. And then it says Diddy was here. What did you mean by Diddy was here? I mean Diddy was here. On Drake's dick.

That's what I meant. J.C. Superspeed. Absolutely incredible. Can I keep this?

I want to learn how to not do stand-up.

Nah, you're cool. You're like La Bamba.

J.

C. Superspeed. Let's talk about it. How old are you?

40 years old. No way. 40 years old. Ari, what do you think about this? Those are Mexican years?

No.

I don't know what it is. 40 years old. Have you ever landscaped? Never in my life. I got married.

You got married to a white woman? I sure did.

What did she do for work? Landscaping.

J.

C. Superspeed. Very good. There it is.

feeling the momentum. Wrapping the cord around his hand.

J.

C. feeling the momentum. Riding the wave. Okay, J.C. Here's the next question.

What else do you do other than this, other than work? What else are you into?

Just a whole bunch of shit. Watching. Since COVID, I bring it up again. Started working from home. That means I don't work anymore.

What does that mean? Mowing your own lawn?

I've seen my wife mow it like three times during the day. Just gotta put her to work. What else are you into? Other than working from home? Other than this?

Ever since working from home, I became a homebody, to be honest. Just watching podcasts. Where do you live? San Antonio, Texas.

That's where you were born and raised? I was born and raised in Bronzeville, Texas. for a couple years. I moved to San Antonio and just never left it until you guys showed up. And then you still haven't left it.

Yeah, pretty much.

You got any kids, buddy? I have two kids. Less than should be.

How long have you been with your wife? I've been with my wife for almost 20 years. 20 years in January. 20 years in January. Next January.

How old are your kids? I got a 16-year-old and a 13-year-old. So your wife's 28? Yeah.

Don't do the math on that one. All right.

JC, what else about your entire life would we find interesting about you? You have a crazy family or anything? Ever do anything crazy? No, not so crazy or anything like that. Let's see.

I'm a.

. My job, my day-to-day, I'm a government contracts consultant, so I do that. It's just as crazy as you would think with the news going on every day.

Jesus Christ. What the hell was that?

I'm getting totally a heart attack here. Jesus.

Somebody get me an Ozempic. And then, before that, I spent 12 years in the Army. Okay, well, there you go. That would be a big deal. 12 years in the Army would be something about your life.

So what did you do in the Army? Anything and everything that they told me to do. Okay, you ever kill any sand rabbits? No, but I saw a lot of them. How's that?

You saw a lot of them? Saw a lot of them. I did a deployment to Iraq, convoy security,

just driving commodities up and down. I see you've wrapped another loop around your hand with a mic cord. It's a double loop, buddy. Oh, there's the triple. Whoa, the quad.

The quintuple loop, ladies and gentlemen. We've never even seen this before. Whoa, oh, my God. He's created his first time ever doing stand-up, and he's created his own way of holding the mic. Whoa, whoa, the old twisty.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, there you go. I knew it. Hey, microphone, relax.

Oh, he has no idea how to put that. Oh, wow, very good. They're very good. He's done cheap electrical work before. Yeah.

Is it in there, JC? Talk. Wow, there you go. You even know what to say. How did you know to say, test, test, one, two?

Have you seen that on movies or television?

Well, I got to tell you, whoa, whoa, everybody.

Whoa, relax, relax. Bring it down, everybody. Whoa, let me tell you, I've been watching a lot of television. Check, check, one, two.

I've been working inside. Don't know if I mentioned that. I'm a real homebody. Looks like I slipped and fell. Uh-oh.

Whoa. Colin is crazy, am I right?

I love it. JC, you've been with your woman for 20 years. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom? How do you keep her satisfied? Wraps her up on a microphone cable.

He has his sex moves written down step by step.

That was good. Step number one, put on your good Van Halen shirt.

Adjust the sunglasses.

Relax, baby. It'll be over in a minute.

JC, congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket. You popped your cherry. Here's a little joke book. Make some noise for him, JC.

Super speed.

La-la-la-la-la-bamba. La-la-la-la-la-bamba. Make some noise for one of the most powerful regulars in the history of the show. You know him. You love him.

The living legend. This is a brand new minute from the one and only Cam Patterson.

Understand this. This is how my family tree went. My daddy fucked, my mama, made me. My dad fucked, my stepmom, made my little sister. My little sister, we the same age.

My stepmama got a brother. He smoked crack. Nothing to do with the story. I just wanted to tell y'all that. He met another crackhead that made a crackbaby, right?

This crackbaby was cute.

And we were born around the same time. We would all sleep in the same bed when we was little kids, right? I'd be in the middle, my sister be on the left, crackbaby be on the right. And then one day, my dad was like, hey man, come here by the time I told you, you a grown man, now. I was 11 years old, right?

He was like, listen, that crackbaby is not your cousin. You do with that as you will.

And then he disappeared into the shadows.

So, at 11, my dick just started getting hard. I went back and I was ready to fuck some, right? So I get back in the room, I'm in the middle, my sister on the left, and she like, I didn't tell y'all yet, but she a big ass, fat bitch, right? So she got a CPAP machine on the whole time, and she just dying in her sleep, right? And I go, pssh, pssh, hey, crackbaby, can I get a kiss?

And she was like, yeah. And then we kissed, and I loved it. I hate that kiss now. Because in 2018, she decided she didn't want to be a girl, no more.

I'm an ally of the gays, but I didn't choose to, nigga. I was drafted.

That is hilarious.

Wow. Cam Patterson has done it again. Yeah, that bitch look just like me. So... Swear to God.

Really? Yeah. And you guys are the same age? We're the same age, yeah. She look just like me, like my twin, nigga.

Really? Like, she, a thug too, so it's like, dappin' up a nigga. that look just like me that I kissed before is crazy.

Like, it's insane. Because when we was little kids, she was just kissing everybody. She kissed all my friends. So I was like, now we can finally kiss. And now she's like, I don't want to be a bitch, no more.

And that shit, I hate her. now. It's upsetting. So, she's like a lesbian? Nigga, she a nigga, man.

She look just like me. Wait, are you saying you also can't tell them apart? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Wow.

ha, ha, ha, ha. Do you ever hang out with her? Nah, when I go back home, I try to just, it make me feel weird, bro. Copy-dappin' up and shit. Nigga, you was my first induction to women.

You feel me? Right. Do you guys laugh about it? I don't talk about it with her. Why?

Why wouldn't you bring it up to her? You're a comedian. You can just bust balls. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I should bring it up more. I should talk about it more. We do hang out. When I go back home and shit, we say what's up and shit. Right.

What do you guys do? Drive-bys or something like that?

So, I mean, wow. So, she started as a. she, became a he. It's like a reverse Madea movie or something like that. Yes.

Incredible. Does she go by she, or does she identify as a he? now? I just call her my dog, my cousin. You know what I'm saying?

I call her, she's my cousin again. now. That's my cousin. What's up, cuz? Good to see you again.

What the fuck was that? Red Band understood that she's one of your dogs. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. That was the whitest thing ever. Yeah.

I feel you, bro. That was a fucking Yorkie, nigga. What the fuck was that?

So, what does she do for work? I don't know, man. I don't talk to her like that. I just know we kiss, nigga, and that was the end of the whole thing. And then one day she was like, what's up, nigga?

I'm a nigga. I'm like, god damn.

Wow. So, we're finding out that you are a gay man. No! Oh, yeah, Cam's gay. Don't do that, nigga.

We found out. everyone jokes about how I'm gay,

Absolutely incredible. No!

No!

And then my little sister just went, just went, well, I'll see you in hell then. And then my dad went, I'm not going to be on the gay side of hell.