#672 - TOP SECRET
2024-07-16 02:26:32
A weekly podcast recorded live from Austin, Texas with your hosts Tony Hinchcliffe & Brian Redban. For advertising opportunities please email PodcastPartnerships@Studio71us.com Privacy Policy: https://www.studio71.com/us/terms-and-conditions-use/#Privacy%20Policy
Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv.
And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Subscribe to Comedy Live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe.
Who's ready for literally the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh?
Oh my goodness. We made it. Make some noise for Brian Red Band. ladies and gentlemen.
Fuck yeah. We are here. Kill Tony, live at the Mothership brought to you by Kinect Mobile Health. How exciting. You guys pumped to be here tonight?
I love it. We have an absolutely ridiculously diabolical show ready for y'all tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.
Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what?
You know, we've been doing this a very, very long time, and I book this show personally myself every single week, and I myself cannot believe who tonight's guest is. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the current, truly the real president of the United States of America. This is Joe Biden.
You can do better than that. Make some goddamn noise for your president.
No, Joe, this way. This is it over here. Joe, Joe, no.
Joe, over here.
Wow.
Oh, my God.
Unbelievable. This.
My fellow Americans, I want to thank you for allowing me to be the first black woman president to run this country. Quick shout out to the moderators in the back for keeping this debate going.
There's no moderators. Joe, you're on Kill Tony. Has anybody told you where you're at tonight?
Brian Redband. Brian Redband, everybody. How the hell do you know who Brian Redband is? I follow him on Facebook.
Post a lot of butthole pictures.
Oh, my God.
Oh, here we go. How are we? America, we feel good. How we feeling, America?
Mr. President, Joe Biden, here doing some damage control right now, obviously. Shit is wild out there for you right now.
Coming off a wild, wild times. We're doing it. We're doing it, though. We do what we did, what we did for the COVID, what we did for COVID.
That's right.
Wow.
We took down Medicare. Us and Megatron and the rest of the G.I. Joe gang bangarang hook.
Look, I'll tell you something. When I was 10 years old, I used to ride a bike.
We had all sorts of bikes. back then. We had wheels.
Let me get this liquid death away. You already have enough death around you, Mr. President.
Yeah, I can't have water after 4 p.
m.
Oh, hey, hey. All right.
How many times are you going to do that tonight? Oh, fuck.
So, Mr. President, I don't know if you know where you are or how the show works, but I'm going to give you a little rundown. Over 250 comedians signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket. Huh? Well, it's 250 comedians signed up for it.
Oh, boy.
If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up. when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.
Sounds like Kamala.
All right. Fuck. No, fuck you. Too late. Too fucking late.
It's America. You got to get out of here.
All right.
So I'm going to pre-pull a name. We're going to wrangle them from the bar next door.
Here we go.
So, while we go and grab them, we have someone who's going to get tonight's show started for us. It's one of our esteemed regulars, ladies and gentlemen. This guy has not been on the show in quite a while. He's been out headlining, absolutely, killing it all around the road. He is a superstar.
He's a freak of nature. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the great and powerful, the one, and only, this is Casey Rocket.
Yeah.
I've been waiting all day for Sunday night. All right. Cool. Hell yeah. NFL on what?
KT. All right. Cool. It's funny. you bring that up, Tony.
A lot of people have been asking me, Titty, Boy, LaCroix.
And I say, speaking. And they say, who are you?
Really?
And I tell them the truth, ladies and gentlemen, in many ways I'm an oil man.
I buy oil.
I sell oil.
I drink oil.
I go to the hospital because I drank too much oil.
I sneak out of the hospital in the dead of night and the staff starts freaking out because the oil man's loose.
And I sneak back into the hospital dressed as Heath Ledger, dressed as the Joker, double costume.
And I burn it to smithereens.
What's this?
Yes?
More oil? Absolutely. Thank you. I'm Casey Rocket. Have a good night.
Wow.
Thank you.
That was wild. Thank you. An unorthodox performance by Casey Rocket.
Very, very interesting. A lot of oil. Mr. President, what did you think about that?
Here's the deal, folks.
You look like somebody fucked a lint trap without a condom.
Thank you.
Mr. Biden.
I'm a big fan.
That's how I picked the candidate, like the bachelorette. I give him a rest.
Am I supposed to suck your dick now, or what do I do? What do I do?
Whatever you want. You're the President of the United States.
I'll give it to my wife. You know my wife, Jill?
Love her, yeah. She's one of the best.
Don't you fucking lie to me right now.
I love her. No, I love her.
You're funny. You're funny. You did the thing. You did what we all did. You get a beer, you go for it.
You do it. You did it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, where's your shirt?
Good one, Mr. Biden.
President Biden.
I liked it. I liked it. It was good. It was good. How old are you?
29.
How old are you?
I don't know.
81.
. 81 and moving strong. You want to fight? You want to fight? Mm-mm.
Titty Boy LaCroix, where does such a name come from?
Where does any name come from, really?
My parents, I guess. My parents were the yin-yang twins. Yeah. And they're not biological twins. It was a stage name.
And I fell in love on the road during Lollapalooza.
I was there.
Yeah, you opened for Alice in Chains. I did. Yeah. That was cool. I was there as a roadie for Young.
So it was cool. It's one of my favorite bands.
Wow. And the oil business, this is a new thing we haven't heard of.
Lucrative.
Good money in oil. Sold a lot of it, drank a lot of it.
Why are you drinking the oil?
Why does anyone do anything?
Because you're an American.
Because I'm an American.
And you have to. You have to.
You got to. It's the best country on planet Earth. Legally, no one can stop you from drinking oil.
That is true.
And I've taken full advantage of that.
What does it taste like?
Slick.
Slick what?
That's an adjective.
That's an adjective.
Where'd you go to school? That's a trick question. I know you didn't.
High school or college?
You pick.
First Methodist. All right.
Perfect.
That's not how you say that, but all right.
I went to First Methodist, then I went to Second Methodist for college.
What's the difference?
Second Methodist is much bigger.
Oh.
Titty Boy LaCroix, a.
k.
a. KC Rocket. No better way to get the show started than with your unbelievable stuff. Thank you.
Thank you for having me back. Have fun.
The return of KC Rocket. No, you don't have to stand up, Mr. President. KC, will you take that glass with you? Thank you so much.
One more time for KC Rocket.
We're having fun. So you get it, Mr. President? You see how this works?
Here's the deal, folks.
We wake up, we get it going. What do we do? We get up, we get it going, and we get it going, right? Because you've got to get it. And when it gets tough, if your dick's full of blood, you'd say it with me.
We've got to vote. Look, here's the deal, folks. There's so much going on. Go ahead, Tony.
No, go ahead. What were you going to say about the voting thing?
Well, I just feel like nobody can stop me right now. I feel unstoppable. I feel good. I got a rose from a Muppet. I never met a real puppet without the guy inside of him.
That was insane right there. I feel good right now. The band's here. Give it up for the Kill Tony band, everybody. Let's fucking go.
It's one of the biggest moments of my life. I'm feeling good right now. I had a shitty time on the debate, and I came to Kill Tony to turn things around. I'm going to fucking fuck shit up tonight, if that's all right with you guys.
You mind if I fuck shit up tonight?
Look how quick I got up. I got a golden ticket. I'm feeling good right now. I got Brian Redband to my left. I got Tony Inchcliffe to my other left.
Are you guys excited to be here tonight?
My wife, Jill, is at home right now giving herself a Dutch oven. Are you guys excited to be here tonight? I can't be stopped. I can't be stopped. I love this country, and I love what I do.
I'm telling you, I ain't going anywhere. No one's taking me down. I'm going to stay here forever. I'm going to go for four more years.
I'm going to go.
I'm going to say it right now, Tony. I'm going for four more years.
I'm going for four more years.
Say it with me. Four more years. Four more years.
Say it with me.
Four more years. Four more years.
No one's going to stop.
Wait, what in the world?
What's that?
It is our responsibility and our duty.
to confront this danger together. Every step you take down this dark path increases the peril you face.
What in the world is going on here?
Wait a second. Oh, my God.
Wow.
Oh, my God.
Ladies and gentlemen, the real President of the United States is here.
Oh, my God.
Wait, what are you guys?
This is an unbelievable moment.
You do not look good, Joe Biden. Sit down, sit down.
I'm so scared.
Tony, what an unbelievable experience it is.
What a great show this could be. instead. We've got an absolute idiot here running the show.
This is a moment we will never forget. This is incredible. What a shocking surprise. No one more shocked than President Joe Biden.
He looks so scared.
Who just shit my pants?
Oh, my God. This is an incredible moment in the history of the show. Indeed, I can smell the president has shit his pants.
This is absolutely incredible. We're going to watch some comedians tonight.
President Biden seems extremely frightened right now.
I got to go to bed.
So, President Trump, I believe you know how the show works, right?
Of course I do, Tony.
What a great crowd. What an amazing crowd. this is. A lot of beautiful women here. Great women.
A lot of beautiful women. A lot of great guys, too. A lot of great Americans.
So, it's going to be President Joe Biden and President Donald Trump for the remainder of the show. It's going to be a great show. It appears we have an entire lineup and bucket to get through. This is one of those moments we will never forget. Oh, there's the lovely Heidi, everybody.
Oh, hey.
What a great lady. I talked to her backstage.
Wonderful woman. The tits are real.
Excuse me. Excuse me. A lot of people are saying her tits are fake. They're not fake. I touched them.
Great tits.
Wonderful tits. American tits. That's the thing we've lost under this administration. Where are the American tits anymore? Four years ago there were American tits.
Now there's no American tits. Mexican tits.
Mexican tits are streaming up the border. No one's stopping it.
Fentanyl tits.
Fentanyl.
One second. you're dead. Can you believe this? This would never... Unimaginable.
what's happened to this country.
We're fine. We're fine. Hey, I smelled her tits too. They're great.
Everything's great. We're fine now. We were fine then. We're fine. Hey, you're the sucker.
I bet I can smell her. I bet I can do it first.
Joe, you're an idiot. Please stop.
Hey, say it to my face.
Come on.
Come on. You want to race up some stairs? Come on.
Joe, everybody's seen you race. You can't do it.
So we're going to watch comedians do 60 seconds.
Oh, God.
This is unbelievable.
This is unbelievable. We're going to try to stick to this format tonight. We're going to try to do an episode of Kill Tony, even though I could watch you two talk about smelling fentanyl tits all night. Let's get to it.
60 seconds uninterrupted.
going to your first bucket pool tonight. Mind you, these guys have no idea who's on panel here. They get wrangled from a bar across the street. They come out. So keep a lookout for their reactions.
Your first comedian doing 60 seconds tonight. Make some noise for Matt Sturm, everybody.
Matt Sturm, here we go.
I'm not from Texas. It's fucking hot here, all right? I'm from Vermont. It's cold there. When I first got here, I wasn't used to it.
You step outside, you feel like Arnold in Total Recall when he's dying on Mars. Just...
You know?
I'll have to fucking pole vault crackheads and rattlesnakes just to go to Whole Foods. I don't even get to shop at Whole Foods. I just look in the window like a fucking hot food section, pervert, looking at the mac and cheese, just like, Fuck. Bring out the rotisserie chicken, you bitch. Fuck.
No, man, I'm too poor. I shop at Target. It's weird, yeah. It's the only place you can get a Spider-Man graphic tee and six pounds of brisket. It's a weird combo, yeah.
Yeah. I've been cumming different guys. Guys, we usually cum like three types of ways. There's the pathetic way. That's the way I usually do.
When you're kind of like, ugh. You know, they go like, I'm sorry. Like, that's a weird, you know, it's embarrassing. I don't know. Then there's the other way.
For some reason, like, we do the opposite. We turn into like Thanos from the Avengers. You know what I'm saying? Like, dude, Thanos is not fuckable. He's more like a rapist energy.
There's like a better purple thing to fuck. You can fuck like Grimace or something. Hell yeah.
All right. Matt Sturm going over his time at a minute 15 seconds. A lot of references there. How do you feel like that went, Matt?
It was okay, Tony.
It was okay, according to you.
It was not. It was...
Frankly, you should be embarrassed about it. I would...
Not good. Not good.
This is the first thing we agree on. That was dog shit.
He pulled him in.
He pulled him in with the handshake.
Holy shit.
Okay, Matt Sturm.
How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?
About eight years.
About eight years. Oh, my God.
I should say less.
Wow.
Damn. Where's your dad right now?
He died.
Who?
Where's your dad right now?
He died. He's alive. He's in the city in New York.
He's in New York City?
Yeah, he's in New York.
What a wonderful city.
Great city. Everybody now homeless. This guy's dad. Ruining it. Ruining New York.
There's a lot of fake dead dads right now.
What do you mean by that?
He said his dad died, and he's alive.
Yeah.
So there's a lot of fake dead.
. Red Band, hit me with something.
Okay, you don't.
Perfect, Red Band. Jesus Christ.
You're like Dr. Fauci over here.
So, Matt Sturm, you've been doing stand-up for eight years. What do you do for a living? How do you support yourself?
Well, I recently got a job at Maggie Mae's across the street, working the door over there. And then I'll do some sets over there and get to do a little stand-up and work the door.
Working the door at Maggie Mae's.
I used to work at Caroline's in New York before it closed and shit. That was fun for a little bit.
Okay.
All types of small businesses.
It's true.
That did close during the Biden administration.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I got tons of black friends.
There's one over there. There's one over there. They matter. The business is all the business.
What'd I say? The bitches is on the business.
There it is. You got it.
Matt Sturm, what else do you do with yourself when you're not doing your door job?
Well, I like to look at bugs and lizards and shit outside. I build terrariums sometimes.
Jesus Christ.
You find a lizard or a fucking cricket. There's not much to do.
Wow.
Yeah. You have a lot of work to do. You should stop collecting bugs and get a job. I mean, what are you doing? What are you really doing?
We got the most jobs right now. You can work here. You can work outside. You can work inside. You can work upstairs or downstairs.
I don't keep the bugs. I don't like the bugs in my house.
What do you do with the bugs?
I just inspect them. I'll view them from a safe distance and observe what kind of bug it is.
Are you retarded? Why do you do that? Why do you do that?
Maybe. I'm trying to figure that out.
That's fine. We got jobs for retards, too. We got every job. We got upstairs jobs, retard, downstairs jobs.
Y'all got dental?
Sure.
What's your love life like, Matt Sturm?
Pretty non-existent.
Last hookup you had, where was that? How long ago was that?
Fucking Connecticut.
Wow.
It was like five months ago or something.
It was a long time ago.
So you got pussy five months ago?
You could say that.
For a guy who collects bugs, frankly, that's not bad, honestly.
A sad woman in Connecticut fucked the bug guy. And now she's watching this. right now. She's at home going, I fucked that guy, and he collects bugs in a jar.
Do you make the bugs watch when you fuck her? I do. I'm asking for a friend.
I have. It's better that way.
Did you hear that, Red Band?
Matt Sturm, congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket.
Caught it with my chin there.
You caught it with the side of your neck.
Fat neck folds.
Matt Sturm, ladies and gentlemen. And like that, the show has begun. As you see, we're having fun here. It appears as though the only slow moments tonight are going to be the 60-second sets that these people across the street are dying and hoping for.
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And you can get an extra three months free. Expressvpn.com slash killtony. Good evening and good day. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a website, engage your audience, and sell anything from products to content to time, all in one place, all on your terms.
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com for a free trial. And, when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash killtony to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Ladies and gentlemen, you need a straw, Mr. President, is that what you said?
I need a straw. Fuck the turtles, am I right?
Absolutely. Okay. Your next comedian doing 60 seconds goes by the name of Bruce McElderry, everybody. Bruce McElderry. Here we go.
Here comes Bruce, everybody.
What do the Chinese call the Japanese as a racial slur?
Huh?
What do the Japanese call the Chinese as a racial slur? Fucking short Chinese.
I'm trans-socio-economic. I was born poor, but now I self-identify as rich.
I'm so white trash, I call my only pair of long pants, my fancy pants.
Bruce, hold on to that microphone, Bruce.
First of all, let's just jump right into it. You started talking with the microphone four feet away from your face. And then you proceeded to, when did you write those jokes exactly? Did you lose a bet? Was this your last place in the fantasy football league or something?
You had to come on? Kill Tony. What made you come here today?
I've been a huge fan for the last two or three years, watched every episode.
You ever do stand-up before? No. You decided to make your debut here tonight.
Have you watched the show? How did you think this was going to go?
You've seen the show.
That's a good question. How did you think it was going to go?
Mediocre.
Do you have more jokes that you didn't get to, Mr. President, Joe Biden?
One more white trash joke.
Okay. Let's hear it.
I'm so white trash, I take naps at Walmart.
Should've opened with that one.
That's the one.
You look like you sold the bugs to the last guy.
Bruce, where do you live?
Austin.
Austin, Texas. You were born and raised here?
No, no. From the Midwest, Wisconsin.
Okay, Wisconsin. And what do you do for work?
Somewhat retired. Okay.
What did you do before you retired?
Software development.
Did you develop some software that made you enough money to retire?
I mean, just enough to be a poor retiree.
Wow. And what is the software?
Like business, nothing, anybody would know.
Who was the president when you sold this software company?
It was still Trump.
Of course it was.
We used to be able to develop things and create things. We can't anymore. Is this why you retired?
I was in regulatory. I was fired immediately after Trump got out.
We love regulatory. Big regulatory. Under my administration, there was plenty of regulatory. And now, where's the regulatory? Everybody looks around and says there's no more regulatory.
Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
President Biden, would you like to respond to the claims?
We're plenty regular. We got it all. Hey, when's the last time you took a shit, huh?
What's your name again?
Bruce.
Bruce McElderry?
McElderry.
You always dress like this?
You wear any pants?
I have one pair.
When do you wear them?
When I'm, like, super special occasions.
Like what?
Like when I get married.
Fuck, that was sad.
He's saving his pants for marriage, and I think that's extremely American.
Who are you saluting, Mr. Biden? You just saluted the whole audience. Okay.
Bruce, you say that you're saving these pants for marriage. Do you have a girlfriend?
I got married again.
Oh, you got married again. So you've been married twice? Three. Three times you got married.
Honestly, that's not that bad.
Yeah,
coming from a guy who likes to watch women change.
Wait, what? Who doesn't want to watch women change?
I saw it on the Internet, sorry.
I love to watch them change. Who doesn't?
Your wife changed into the afterlife.
Hey, hey, you want a knuckle sandwich?
Give me a punch. sound effect, Redman.
Perfect. Take that. You're Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? What, you stick your dick in a bucket of Mountain Dew?
Listen to this guy. Joe, you could do nothing to me. I would hurt you severely, and everyone here knows it. I would beat Joe's ass so badly, frankly.
Oh,
yeah? Hit me, Redman.
Got him.
Okay, so Bruce, let's go through some of these marriages. How old were you your first marriage?
17.
Wow, Jesus.
That's a great age.
For getting your high school diploma. You can do it if you want to do it.
Or for showering with your dad the way his daughter did.
Look it up.
You're going to be very, very surprised that this guy, this man, showered with his daughter. Do you believe this? Until she was 13..
I love my family.
So you got married at 17,, Bruce. And how long did that marriage last? How old was the girl that you married?
She was like 19.
She was 19.
. So technically, you were being statutory raped.
For a couple years. It was awesome.
For a couple years. It was awesome, he says. Wow, where did you meet her at?
High school.
But you were both in high school.
She was in the parking lot.
So you said, a couple years before you got married. Biden, what do you think about this?
Oh, it's great.
I just can't. So what's her name? Where is she now? What does she do? Does she have a job?
She works at a bank. In Mendota, Illinois.
I think you just made that up. Where's that at? No, I've been there. I campaigned there. You never went there.
Meningitis, Illinois.
Joe, you've never visited the Midwest. Everyone knows that Illinois loves Donald Trump. I wish I had a joke there, but I'm getting into character too much.
That's great.
That's who you want?
So Bruce, how long did that first marriage last?
One year.
And how did it end?
She's a whore.
Right. I had a feeling that the 19-year-old woman marrying a 17-year-old, she cheated on you? Who did she cheat on you with exactly, do you know?
A couple people that I did not know at the time.
How did you find out that she cheated on you?
The computer.
Right, you're a fucking software engineer. That'll make your hardware turn into software real quick. Finding out that the woman that you're married to is fucking everything in mid-area land.
How many of them were black? is the real question here.
That was my next question. Were any of them black? No.
It's Mendota.
No. Okay, so how old were you when you got married for the second time?
Take a ballpark would be fine here, Bruce.
24.
24.
. And how old was the girl that you married when you were 24??
24.
24.
. Okay. And how long did that marriage last?
Maybe five years.
Five years. How did it end? She's a whore. No.
No.
No, she's very nice.
She's very nice. How did it end? Did it end in just mutual?
Yeah, yeah. Long, yeah. Mutual differences.
I don't believe you.
She wanted different things. She wanted kids. I was like, eh.
Kids are great. When they turn 13, you can shower with them.
So she wanted kids. You didn't. You liked pulling out and spraying where?
On her.
Fentanyl tits.
It's your answer. It's your answer.
Where did you come on this woman?
Why didn't you want to come inside of her, Bruce? Where did you prefer to come?
I would come in her mouth. I would come in your ex-wife's mouth.
Of course you would. You're coming in America's mouth right now.
You're exactly right, Joe.
I'm coming on their back like an American. You're coming in their mouth like some...
Okay.
So.
You're a sucker. Wait.
No.
It's him, you're a man.
No. Oh, an elbow.
There's more elbow. There's more elbow for you.
Okay.
All right. So, Bruce, the third marriage. How old were you when you got married the third time? Three more times than people are getting married nowadays. How old were you for the third one?
Last year. Last year.
Yeah.
Your trademark not speaking.
I've got a good feeling this one's going to work.
I have hopes.
I'm joking. No chance.
Now, is this one wanting to settle down too? Does she want kids?
Okay, I'm gonna give you a small joke book, Bruce, and congratulations, you got pulled out of the bucket. You were here on Kill Tony. You were here, Bruce. You were here. There goes Bruce, McElderry, everybody.
We got a real, a lot of bombs tonight. so far with the two US presidents. I guess that's fitting, a country that, oh, there's a straw. Whoa, Mr. President, what are you doing with the straw?
Oh, is that how you use it? Oh, no. You want me to pull that closer? There you go, okay.
All right.
Kamala. usually does that for me.
Your next comedian out of the bucket goes by the name of Cannon Miller, everybody. Cannon Miller is next. Who knows, could be a star.
So why is it that mentally disabled guys just love getting naked? Yeah, I don't know what that's about, but they just love taking their clothes off. And I say that because I was at a Boy Scout camp when I was a kid, and we had this mentally disabled kid in our cabin, this albino kid. He was super sweet. But anyway, he goes to the shower, and we hear him yell for help, and we're like, oh God, let's go.
He probably fell, we gotta go help him out. We open the stall door to the shower, and then there he is just handling his package right in front of us, just really going at it. And I'll never be able to look at a white snake the same ever again. But anyway, we're like, I'm not equipped to handle this. So we go, and I tell the Scoutmaster, go make sure, see if he needs any actual help.
And I sat there and I thought about it, and I was like, just left a Scoutmaster alone with a naked miner. And so that's the story of my first threesome. And that's my time.
Okay, he's done, 55 seconds in. Throwing the mic into the mic stand, Cannon Miller. One more time for Cannon. Thank you. Cannon, grab that microphone.
What? Put it up to your mouth.
Gotcha, sorry.
Hi, Cannon, how are you? First time doing stand-up?
Yeah, about 60 seconds in my career.
So the answer was yes.
Yes, sir.
There you go. Hi, Cannon, how are you?
I'm doing okay. I'm doing well, how are you?
How far did you drive to get here today?
13 hours. I'm actually in for the week. My brother's getting married here on Friday.
Okay, wow.
Hey, hey.
Yeah.
A real patriot, huh?
Yes, sir.
13 hours.
Now, this retarded boy's cock,
how big was it, would you say?
Good question, good question.
About that big, folded in half.
So this retarded boy had a black cock, how did this happen? How could this happen here?
Say again. How.
is it possible that a retarded boy had a giant black cock and you saw it?
You know, that's a really good question. I didn't really think about it that hard. I just saw it, and I don't think I'll ever forget it, unfortunately.
Well, you're not gonna, because he's here tonight. Let's bring him out.
When you said you'll never be able to look at a white snake. the same again, what exactly do you mean? How many white snakes do you see?
Not many, as far as I know, just the one. But, I mean, there was an albino guy with, you know, like I said, he was packing some heat. So if I ever see a white snake again, I don't know, I may get PTSD, I'm not sure.
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