#673 - JOE ROGAN + MATT MCCUSKER

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

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Every single week, I have two of the funniest human beings on planet Earth on this show. And this is very, very exciting because this is two of our favorite guests in the history of the show. Two residents of Austin, Texas, ladies and gentlemen make some noise for Joe Rogan and Matt McCusker.

Yeah, baby.

Joe Rogan.

Matthew McCusker.

My friends, we're in the firestorm tonight.

Very exciting stuff, very, very exciting. Joe Rogan, welcome to your own comedy club.

It's fucking amazing. what you've done is amazing, dude. This show is incredible. I'm so happy to be here. It's always fun.

Normally you bring someone surprising and crazy on stage with you, well, twice, we've done that, one time we did it with Post Malone. He had no idea who was going to come on until he was right backstage. I was like, Dude, come on stage with me.

He's like, Okay, and just fucking pushed him through the door. And the other time was Tucker Carlson. We went out to dinner with him, totally tricked him, brought him back here, Tony goes, bring him on stage, We're like, Okay.

So he had no idea. He's like, What are you doing? I'm like, we're going to go on stage, he's like, Huh, and the next thing, you know, he's out here.

Amazing performance. Matt McCusker's return Hey.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. welcome back my friend dude. Love to be here.

Thank you guys, you guys know how it works. Over 250 comedians signed up for the opportunity to get a possible 60 seconds on this stage tonight. If I pull their name, you know, their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts their set.

And then I interview them, we find out more about them and their lives, and what they could be talking about and things like that. The whole thing's improvised, anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

If I pull the name, they're going to go grab that comedian from the bar across the street. Poor choices here on stunning 6th Street in Austin, Texas. In the meanwhile, one of our regulars is going to perform to open tonight's show. As of about a month ago, we started a rotating panel of three regulars on the show and this guy took a week off in the middle.

So it's been a month since we've seen him. You guys know this guy. Kiltony Hall of Famer, used to live in his van, has opened the show more than anybody in the show's history.

Sing it if you know the words, This is Hans Kim.

Let's start tonight's show.

Thank you guys, hope you guys had a good Father's Day. hope you got to spend some time with your fathers. You know, Juneteenth was Wednesday, so everyone else got to celebrate as well.

Recently went to a basketball game and they did the wave there. I've never seen a crime wave in person before.

I love the African-American community. Don't get me wrong, you know, who doesn't love a good song?

Black people, they've gone through hell and they've done so much for America. But technically, that is my bike.

I love being Asian, very tough to be Asian, you know? You guys come home drunk, you can eat whatever the fuck you want. I have to eat food with chopsticks.

Whiskey makes my chopsticks go soft.

All right, that's my time, thank you.

Chopsticks.

HANS Tim Did you do a Juneteenth joke and then a WNBA joke? Is that right? It was just a regular NBA joke? So why were they crying? I missed it.

Why was the wave crying a crime wave? a crime wave? I heard crying, sorry.

Still got a little bit of that.

That'll be edited out. How dare you? I can't help myself. Hans Tim, How do you feel? I feel great, Tony?

I've been having a great life, thanks to a lot of the people on stage here.

Tell us about some of the parts that you've been enjoying lately. I went paddleboarding with my girlfriend, someone I met on the river said he was coming tonight, so hopefully he's not a liar. I did the sunblock on my girlfriend.

And I didn't realize that my disrespect towards her sunblocking would show up that night, and so you could see how badly, oh no, she's white.

Yeah, it's a white man's burden, right? Was it a spray? Can you keep doing a spray thing? Yeah, I kind of was like, whatever.

You just half-assed it, huh? Yeah, maybe you should break up with her, huh?

That sounds super passive-aggressive. He fucking zorro'd her.

I'm going to try to keep her.

Yeah, be a little bit more precise. Yeah, I know for next time, I'm just not used to the sun that'll heat the pussy up.

You know, whatever.

Is this a regular paddle board you guys are doing? Yeah, I got us both paddle boards, so you were separate. I tied us together eventually, but yeah, she was going off on her own.

She's pretty fast. Wow, so you tied to the back of hers? Yeah, I tied front and back together. Well, who was in the front?

Well, we were just tail, tail, nose, nose, just a little tie.

Bro, did you get dragged? How the fuck do you tow someone tail tails? That's horse shit? that's like equity in towing, That shit's not real.

If you're going to tow somebody, they have to be behind you. You had the front tied to her, you can't fucking tow someone right next to you. You liar, you just lied, didn't you? She towed you?

No.

I just see that lady towing you. What was the positioning of these paddle boats? We were right next to each other. Bullshit. It was a raft.

They built a raft. Bro, you did not tell the truth, bitch, you were like, you got towed, that girl towed you.

She did a lot of the work.

Towed you with a big.

You were huckleberry Kim on the river.

Redemption You were with White Sofia.

I still don't get it. Her boat was in the front, there was a rope, and then the front of your boat was attached to the back of her boat. No, it was side to side, side by side.

Sitting on the same side as a restaurant, how do you do that? You don't do it. This is a lie, this is a lie that he's trapped in, that we will never let him live down.

Forever bro, you'll be paddleboard boy, that's it. You should put that shit on your posters now.

I'll be in Kansas City in July, Kansas City in July, here comes Paddleboard Boy.

Bro, you got towed. She's really good, she's from Austin, so she's really good in the water.

SAN MARCOS I'm not good, there's a rainy Street joke in there.

Anything else crazy going on in life? Hans still have my AR-15..

Take it all back, what are you doing with it? I've been showing people.

If you know Hans, you know, that's so true. That's 100 what happens. It's on my podcast table, sometimes I do podcasts with it.

Hell yeah, you do podcasts with an actual Ar-15 on the table. Jesus Son, is it loaded? No.

Are you sure? Not really. It's hard to tell.

If you've ever been on the road with this dude, this all makes sense. He can't tell a lie. Yeah, I love my girlfriend, she's all right.

Great way to start the show. On a scale from 1 to 10, I give it an AR-15. There goes Hans Kim.

And now we get to our bucket. Ladies and gentlemen, this is it, this is where anything can happen, this is where we meet everybody who's ever been on this show, everybody starts here.

And a lot of times it ends after one appearance. We never see them again. But you never know we're going to get it started tonight with 60 seconds uninterrupted by Robert Marbles. Everybody, here we go.

Robert Marbles.

Thank you, Ben.

I'm not racist, but.

Or not, but actually, I wanted to preface that by saying that I think there is a beautiful middle ground between.

Racism not being racist and finding racism funny. And I'll give you guys an example, so it's easier to understand. I'm half American, I know that's a little bit of a curveball, but I'm also half Arab.

So to give you guys a good demonstration of a joke that could be kind of funny was.

For example, I was baking a pie for you all because you're so nice and I thank you all for coming out. But instead of apple slices, I just used bombs.

That's one example.

I'm also, like I said, half-blood. My parents both speak my dad's language, they just never taught me, which is that's fine.

And yeah, so I basically.

When my mom told me that she was why she didn't teach me her mother tongue, she said, It was because she wanted me to have her mother tongue. And....

You could have almost done anything other than what you just did, and it would have been better than whatever the fuck that was. I've always wondered what a zero-testosterone Kenny Powers would be like.

This is unbelievable.

That was my first time, so give me some.

Oh, that's the first time, are those are those tears I see behind those macho man Randy Savage sunglasses? Oh, no.

This did not go how I thought it was gonna go. Oh no, sad macho man, I love it.

How old are you? Uh, guess okay, dude? 29 29, Jesus Christ.

I already said, you have zero testosterone, don't make me think you're plus estrogen right now. Guess how old I am? I know the mullet and the American shorts takes off some years. Jesus fucking Christ dude.

Answer the goddamn questions Were you the guy that had to help Hans Kim untie his boats?

Why do you look like this? You look like you're going to arrest yourself at some point. There's like a cop underneath this disguise. Thank you, you'll never believe it, but you're under arrest.

Okay, let's talk about it. Robert, how old are you? I'm 29 29. You just decided to start stand-up comedy.

Today, literally I was like, I actually not just today, it was a long time coming. I moved here from Boston and I was....

Was this the first time you were ever on stage? Yes.

This is a fucking terrible idea. Oh my God, and in those, don't you have any friends? Desecration of the American flag, by the way.

That's a tough loss. In those shorts. You just rocky balbombed. I love my country. Oh, you stepped on a great joke there.

You're doing negative comedy right now. Not only did you bomb, but you're blocking other people's shots. I love it. So you're from Boston. How long ago did you move to Austin?

Like, a year and a half ago. Mm-hmm. And what do you do for work? I, I have to go back to the character.

No, no, there's no character. We should know the character, bro. He just started, okay.

I just I have.

I do a job that I need a name to not show up on search. Do you like sedatives?

Like, tell the truth, something's going on. You seem a little too relaxed, really. I'm just feeling the like energy.

I like the energy, okay?

Robert Marbles Just stick with. Someone needs to do a background check on me, just answer the questions. Yeah, sorry.

Here we go, ready. What do you do for work? I sell things. What do you sell?

I sell software. Okay, okay, that was pretty easy.

Yeah, I had to make it more simpler, all right. And do you make a good living doing that? Is that a full-time job? Yeah, it's a full-time job.

I'm very blessed, I'm very thankful.

Jesus Christ, Oh my God, this is an American idol.

What's the funniest thing you think you've ever done? This is your first time on stage, you're 29. Can you give us an example of some time that you really made your friends or family or enemies laugh? Yeah.

Actually, when I was in high school, I did a magic show like talent show.

And nobody could hear me, so I said something that just made the whole audience laugh. Unlike today, what was it? It was like a flow state thing, you know how something comes to you and you just say it.

How the fuck would you hit a flow state?

What is he talking about, you know, when you're just in the fucking zone, Tony?

And you just can't miss. I'm just up there doing my magic set, and shit's just actually disappearing. I'm throwing stuff up in the air, it's disappearing. Bird, bird, bird, bird, bird, tissue paper, tissue paper.

What do you mean, flow, State? Describe to us what the fuck you're bad at answering questions.

I'm just like just being in tune with the higher, you know, unified fields.

I didn't think you were actually going to go deeper that direction. It's possible. Wow, what was your childhood?

Like a lot of Vicodin.

Actually no.

Childhood, I was raised in a mixed family, like half, like, I said, half Arab and half white, and so....

What kind of Arab, North African, North African Arab? Yeah, can you be more specific?

I can, that's all I'm allowed to say, unfortunately. What does that mean?

North African, the real home of the lion King? We've been using that, we've been using the same sound effects for 11 years, and finally, it's an actual African reference.

Instead of just a black guy from Detroit.

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That's why download Game Time today last minute tickets, lowest price guaranteed. And I have a special treat, ladies and gentlemen. Because as of this episode, you know, and a couple past ones, when someone torrentially bombs, we have a special force that we bring in. And this guy famously was on stage eight times, his first night ever on the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from Drew Nickens.

So I don't mind dating girls with kids because I'm a child at heart, but I am worried about finding a woman who wants to peck me.

And I know anger is going to build, and you know, when you're pecking someone, it goes finger tongue, small toy, average white guy.

And I know that she's not going to follow the rules. There's going to be candles, there's going to be a romantic interest, and then we're going to come in, she's going to go finger.

She's going to go tongue, then she's going to go right into fucking Mandinko, Am I right? Oh man, and then she's going to be getting me and there's going to be some cracking sounds.

And then it's going to, I'm going to talk like finding Nemo Dory.

That's different than your usual tone on stage, not usually talking about banging bitches like this. But I guess since you've been famous for four weeks, life has changed.

You know, there's a tongue, a finger, a small toy, a candle. I'm like, What the fuck are you talking about?

That's what I'm talking about. Tell us more about this. Taco Bell. Oh so, she slid in my DMS and I was like, Hey, what do you want to do? and she's like, Well, I like Taco Bell. And I was like, Oh, I'll take the hint.

Let's eat some taco bell. And then we watched kitten videos, and then we watched, like, a whole bunch of stuff. Was this in your car? No, she had a amenity roof on her apartment amenity roof. A place where you take guys with brain injuries that are hanging out with you.

Just so that your neighbor finds out in case you get of mice and men.

In case you accidentally squeeze a nice girl's head in completely.

Man, you just can't make moments like that, That's incredible. Oh man, I just got that. I was kind of wondering in the back of my head if you were getting it too. You have mice and men reference, because there is two things that could have happened there.

But now I'm talking about how I wouldn't trust you with a puppy.

No, I'm kidding. How's life going? Drew? Talk about it? Oh good, I quit my job.

I'm doing comedy full time now.

So you're just kind of like making up how you think it would be. Well, well, I feel like they want another kid, they would hook up with me. But like, I mean, I haven't got in any play in a long time, sir, imagine that.

So I have to imagine a lot of things that would happen.

How many cans of energy drink do you think you had today? Oh oh, we're on 600 milligrams today.

Oh my God. Drew, All right. well, anything else we should know about Drew? How else are you feeling? What else is going on?

Are you going to have roommates in this new apartment? I'm looking to get something by myself, like a little studio, but I'm hoping the roommates. I've had roommates most of my life. So it doesn't faze me, right? I don't know.

I'm just playing it by ear and hoping everything falls into place. Absolutely amazing. Have you guys seen Drew before? Matt? No, I've never seen him before.

This is a treat. I hope you get pegged, man. I really hope, I hope that happens. Taco Bell beforehand might not be the move, but I hope that happens.

Red Band.

I love it. Well, Drew, Fun times. Thanks for doing another minute. There he goes, Drew Nickens.

All right back to the bucket, we go. We're going to meet them all together. Make some noise for Tyler Wright, everyone.

What's up guys? My name is Tyler Wright. Happy to be here. I work in jewelry. anybody fuck around with jewelry?

Hell yeah, I'll tell you what. My girlfriend's a real lucky one now that I fuck with jewelry because now she gets all the free pearl necklaces that she wants. Am I right right here, brother? come on, Hell yeah, hell yeah.

Love working in jewelry, sit at a bench all day, fixing clean stuff. The other day, I had a necklace right with a crucifix pendant and Jesus had fallen off of the cross, so guys, I got paid to re-crucify Jesus Christ.

I have the best fucking job in the world. I'd have done it for free. You know what I'm saying? It's like I was in the passion of the Christ. It was so cool.

I was a little worried about my craftsmanship. I didn't know if I did a good job or not, so I went and asked the guy how I did. He said Brother, you nailed it. Oh, that's a good Jesus joke, guys. A lot of Jesus lovers here tonight.

All right, that's my time guys. My name is Tyler Wright. thank you very much.

Jesus Christ 51 seconds from Tyler Wright. A little premature. Do you exclusively only do jewelry jokes? I have a good 10 minute chunk on jewelry. Yeah, wow.

Well, we got to see a whole minute. There wasn't a single gem to be found.

Okay, all right, what are our thoughts here, guys? You just saw Tyler Wright? I mean, it wasn't enough for the Jews to kill Jesus once.

You had to kill him again, dude, it's fucked up, man. He had it coming, we all knew that.

Okay, what's your writing process? Like Tyler, are you just playing with jewelry all day and thinking about it and how it can connect with people? I mean, just kind of what funny shit happens.

Did Jesus think that was a real thing? Jesus was off the cross and I had to put him back on? I just thought that was fucking hilarious.

You thought wrong, Tyler.

How big was the Jesus? Six inches? Something like that? That's a giant Jesus to have on a chain. Is this like a wrapper, something like that?

I couldn't tell you I don't fuck with the customers. I just work in the back, you work in the back of the jewelry place, just back there, like a mad chemist.

Yes, sir, you have like a little microscope thing or something, Yeah, I have like a gem scope and a scope that goes over. A big mask because you can get sick from all the dust and filings and stuff like that. You would wear a mask, you look like the type that would wear a mask.

What do you identify as?

I'm a white male. Yes, I'm sorry, everybody.

I don't know what's going on here, Tyler. Tell us more about your actual life. What do you do for fun when you're not sitting there under a gem scope? Yes, sir, I love pro wrestling.

Big pro wrestling fan, I've been wrestling for about four and a half years as well. You wrestle? Yes, sir, oh what?

What? Yeah, all shapes and sizes these days, that's right. Wow, here is the jeweler.

Oh, he's going to give you a thing. Oh, some big moves coming from the jeweler. When he takes his mask off, you know, he means business.

It's the jeweler coming up next to definitely get his fucking ass kicked. Have you ever won? even in fantasy pro wrestling that you probably booked? Do you ever win?

I have I've won two titles, actually, two tag titles, whoa tag titles. Who's your tag team partner?

I had two separate tag titles. Oh wow, holy shit, this is unbelievable one.

With Giuseppe, Gambini was my one partner, with my manager Jackie Jester, also my girlfriend. Oh wow, small world. Yeah, I know right. Stephen Druckner was my other tag partner.

Shout out Stephen. Okay, there you go. Very good shout out to Nicholas Gambini. Shut the fuck up dude.

Oh.

That's amazing. How long have you been on stand up, Tyler? About a year and a half, year and a half. You have a girlfriend?

I sure do. She signed up as well, yeah, how long has she been on Stand up? about five years? It's crazy that you say this because Red Band just informed me that the producers who go and wrangle the other people inform me that. She, coincidentally, in a bucket with over 250 names, is the next bucket pool.

That's fucking insane, that's fucking insane. it is insane. We've been here for two weeks, we just moved here.

Well, let's see what happens. You might win another Tag Team Championship here tonight.

Before I give you your little joke book and send you on your way, why don't you stand back here with D-Madness? And I'll bring up your girlfriend, who I'm guessing is going to be a lot funnier than you ladies and gentlemen. 60 seconds uninterrupted from the jeweler's girlfriend, Jenny Rodriguez Yes.

I saw an article the other day that was titled, Woman Born with two vaginas starts an OnlyFans, and I thought, Woman born with two vaginas. That's a crazy way to announce that you have an asshole.

My senior prank in high school was a school shooting.

It was hilarious, everyone was just dying.

Now they have mass shootings, mass shootings. Is that where the clergy blows their load?

Thank you. If you guys don't like dark jokes, then you're racist.

On a lighter note, I gave sheep acid the other day. He was tripping balls.

Hell yeah, welcome, welcome. That was very funny. thank you. thank you. I appreciate that.

Very funny, so bright in here.

I was born and raised in Elkhart, Indiana. Did you go to Notre Dame? No, what were you doing in South Bend? Uh, South Bend was the only place around where I live that did comedy.

Um, beyond South Bend, you would be looking at, uh, probably Chicago really is the closest like big area that did stand up. Okay, uh, and you've been doing it five years, five years. How do you make a living?

Uh, how do I make a living? I work at Costco. What vape store do you work at Costco?

Costco that's a that's a cool place to work. I. I work as a tire installer at Costco. Whoa.

A real rim job this guy is. Am I right?

He's got no bf. Good jokes over here. Uh, he knows how to fill me up, whoa.

Oh my god.

Oh my god, you're coming inside of a Rodriguez that is dangerous. You might have to change your last name from right to wrong.

I told him he should take my last name so he gets booked. More, Oh.

There's going to be some angry Rodriguez's out there. Hey, why you give that guy our name? He, he, he, he fucking sucks.

What else is going on? Jenny? What do you do for fun? uh, for funsies, I know he touched on it. Uh, we, we do pro wrestling.

You do it too. Yeah, yeah, I'm currently, I'm still training.

I wouldn't call myself like, I want to join this league. I'm pretty sure I'm the. I'm pretty sure I'd be the brock fucking Lesnar of this, uh, wrestling universe. Pretty sure I would just throw people everywhere.

Dicks on your chest, unbelievable, just the fucking pussy federation.

Uh, there's no way I would take an L to the jeweler.

What's your? do you have, like a wrestling personality? Uh my, my wrestling, uh, gimmick, was Jackie Jester. I was a clown, I would tell I would do jokey jokes. Oh, okay.

Jokey jokes Hell yeah.

I love it, I love it. How does it feel being the dominantly funny force in a relationship? Uh, it's good that he knows his place.

I would love to have you on the Secret Show.

And I got two joke books here, one for you and one for you. You ready? Boom, Jenny Rodriguez and her boyfriend Tyler, right?

Hell yeah, yeah, we're having fun here. And yet it is time indeed. Oh, thank you, make some noise for Heidi, everybody.

The great and powerful Heidi. We have another regular ladies and gentlemen. He is a force of nature. I ran into him today at the airport in Atlanta because we were all coming home from separate gigs.

He's a superstar. Make some noise for the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody.

Uh.

I was recently in Appleton, Wisconsin.

You from Wisconsin? Oh yeah, fuck Wisconsin.

Appleton, Wisconsin, is a good place to quietly kill yourself. It was the worst place on earth. I'm from Florida. I shouldn't be in Appleton, fucking Wisconsin. Oh, we got cheese.

We got cheese curds.

And some of y'all probably like, Yo, that's pretty dope. Do you know how bad your hometown got to be for niggas to be like, I don't even want to be homeless here.

That place is fucking terrible, Dawg. When I was in Appleton, a white dude looked me down in my face. I was like, you a dirty fucking nigga.

I'm playing. That didn't happen.

But if it did, it would have made the trip 10 times better. DAWg, thank y'all so much. That's how you do it.

That's how you do it. I was stressing about this one, boy, this is fun. Oh yeah, that was great.

Thank you, you're an absolute machine. I've said it before, I'll say it again now that you're doing the road every weekend. To be able to come back on Mondays with a fresh perspective of different places around America. And to be able to make fun of them different ways and have different things happen. And still have your own style of Mr. X and you don't see the switch coming?

It's so cool, thank you, and it's fucking amazing. What else is going on? What was fun in Wisconsin?

It was terrible. Madison was great. Madison, Wisconsin, was phenomenal. That was a great place. Well, why was that great?

The club was awesome, The club was awesome, yeah, but Appleton is a shithole. They don't need a place, they don't need to be a thing.

I think we should blow that bitch to smithereens.

Yeah, I hate it so much, it was terrible. We was there and we was hanging out with this girl and there was a dude sitting on the ground. And she had work boots on, and she placed her work boot on his face, and I just thought, Oh, that's her homeboy. They do this all the time.

And it wasn't.

He was like, Who the fuck is you, bitch? and started cussing out. This is when I realized I'm becoming somebody in life. Because while he was like, I'll fucking kill you, he went, Are you Cam Patterson?

I got to get the fuck out of Appleton, Wisconsin.

I just watched and applauded nigga.

What made Madison better? Tell us about the positives of Madison? Nothing, it was nothing there.

I ain't get no pussy or nothing. Madison was terrible. Oh, Madison. Oh, I'm sorry, Madison was great.

The club was awesome. Yeah, the club's awesome. What else? I got? some head that was cool.

Oh, okay, got some head. I got a head, that was great. that was pretty awesome.

Okay, but other than that, I mean Wisconsin as a whole. It's just like, you know what I'm saying, Milwaukee cool because they got niggas, though, but other than that.

You feel me. Is that a positive or a negative?

Depends on how you look at it, Tony, I know how I look at it, I'm just wondering how you look at it.

I like it. The Kia boys started up, you what? the Kia boys, the people that be....

It's like a group of teenagers that just steal kias. you ain't know about that. Kias. Yeah, yeah, kia boys.

Yeah, the Kia boys, yeah, yeah, yeah, uh-oh yeah, so the Kia boys started in Milwaukee, so I fuck with them.

They cool.

Yeah, okay.

Shout out to car thieves.

That's a good old plug, good people to have on your side. Just in case you ever have a Kia that you park in front of a theater while you're performing at. Oh, I love it.

Fun times Hell yeah, how's life in Austin? Treating you like cool?

I'm barely here now, that's dope. Thank y'all. You feel me life changed, so I'm never really here.

But when I am, I just sleep and shit, what are you spending your money on? Uh, Cologne, whoa, hell yeah.

You like good cologne, buying a lot of cologne. I'm buying too much cologne. I look like this, but I have on $300 worth of cologne right now. Wow.

And it's pretty insane to be like, Yeah, look at me, but also smell me though. bitch, you feel me, man, I smell phenomenal, I do. Are you mixing them?

Do you have a favorite? I got? Right now? I'm fucking with Bleakman Place, Bleakman Place from bond number nine. If you say it three times, he appears out of nowhere, Bleakman place.

Bleakman Place, Bleakman Place.

Just a black beetlejuice shows up.

I'm beetleblah.

Yeah.

But I fuck with Bleakman right now, that shit hard. Every time you say it, it's different how you say it. you haven't said it the same way twice.

Bleakman place, you say it again, Bleakman place, Bleakman place. There's no L in it, first of all.

Spoiler alert How you say it sounds like you're saying it into a walkie-talkie.

You're not going to believe that it literally says. The fragrance notes, Red Band has pointed out it says the fragrance notes are pineapple watermelon.

And fried chicken. This is unbelievable, I cannot believe you.

Cam You don't need cologne, that's what you would smell like. All right, too much fun that's going to get edited out.

Thank you, I'm kidding.

Cam.

You're absolutely killing it, you're exactly what a fucking regular on this show. And his job doesn't rotate. He has a hard job of writing it and performing 60 seconds every week with extremely high expectations. You're only competing with yourself.

It's unbelievable. Make some noise for Cam Patterson.

All right, we're going to keep it moving along. It's time for your next bucket pull. We're going to meet them all together. It's 60 seconds uninterrupted for Benjamin. Grelly or Greely.

Grelly Perhaps make some noise for Benjamin, everybody.

Hello, how are you? Nice to see you? My name is Ben, I'm from Boston.

Anybody ever been to Boston?

Son of a bitch. I grew up in the Italian section of town. It wasn't quite a ghetto, it was more of a spaghetto, if you know what I mean.

My parents were migrant pizza pickers, they came here during the Great Pepperoni famine. It was in all the Italian history books. My wife's beautiful, she's a beautiful Italian girl.

She's got the face of an angel, an angel with a fucking mustache. She's got a big, goofy mustache. It's like it makes Tom Selleck jealous. Hey, you guys know who Tom Selleck is?

My wife's very skinny, she kind of looks like this. She's so skinny, she has to tease her pubic hair just to keep her pants up.

I was impressed. Motherfucking Tony Angelo, motherfucking.

Yeah, I got mixed up anyway. I went to the Art Institute of Boston.

Holy shit, this guy's all over the place. I love a fucking. I love that guy. Kim. He's fucking funny. It's okay.

If you want to say the n-word, you can. Benjamin, What's that? Nebraska? Hey, I like your style. Anyway, I went to the Art Institute of Boston Segway.

You're fucking me up here, hold on. We was an art school, we had a football team, we were called the Van.

Goghs Our helmets only had one ear hole.

All right over here, Benjamin, over here, we got a flag on the play, sneaking in a joke that has nothing to do with what we're talking about. Here. Am I done?

I love your style. How old are you, Benjamin? How long you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up about 12 years altogether, but I stopped for 14..

I did, I did. I started at 89. Brian Holtzman was at my very first open mic.

In Boston, No. In San Francisco, the Holy City Zoo, San Francisco, you were performing at a zoo. Yes, for the alligators and bears.

What for the alligators and bears at the zoo? Okay, but you're originally from Boston, yes, what have you been doing for a living your whole life?

I was in the restaurant business for a long time, my brother and I had five restaurants in Santa Barbara. Well, in California, wow. And for the past five years I've been robbing banks and rolling old people. No, I've been driving Uber.

You're adorable, you're adorable, you come in and out, and then sometimes it makes perfect sense and sometimes it doesn't. Have you ever thought about being president of the United States of America?

No, I used to have hairy legs. my wife has hairy legs, my wife's got a big fucking mustache.

Okay, I love it. Did you make good money selling your five restaurants in Santa Barbara? My brother did, but I didn't have a lot. Your brother screwed you over, No, but he had more money invested than I did.

I invested about $1,750.

Is that $17.50.?

You sure you got lunch there one time?

No fucking way.

Hey, I got a response out of Joe, that's good, yeah. I started when I was 19..

Okay, okay, hold on, hold on, hold on. You're having flashbacks right now, bro. You look like the guy who sold to the Manson family.

This is incredible. So let's talk about the 32-year long heroin habit. Yeah, that was a motherfucker. I don't suggest it. How did it start?

What made you start heroin? You remember that time, you remember that first. First of all, how long have you been sober? 17 years?

17 years.

32 years. Oh, there it is, there you go, he's in it, he's in it, folks.

I've hypnotized him back to being a heroin addict.

All right, grab the microphone there, Benjamin. So tell us, how'd you start? what made you try it? what was it like? Well, I had a Puerto Rican girlfriend.

Oh, that is how everything starts. Jesus Christ. And her brother was a heroin dealer, and all my idols were heroin users. The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin.

Name somebody else? No, we got you, we got you. He's run out of Lenny Bruce.

I was a drummer in a rock band. I hear you make sure you talk right into the tip of the microphone. No, don't do that, don't do that, Benjamin.

This guy's good, you're a natural entertainer. You know, the guys that did heroin, all those big bands and everything that you named, they didn't stop doing their art when they were on heroin. You made the weird decision to take a break. No, I was going to art school doing all that.

You were going to school, what kind of art? If you're on heroin, you're supposed to be teaching art school, not going to it. Yeah, my art is kind of eclectic, a few of my paintings have blood in them as a matter of fact.

Yeah, I'm glad we asked that question. You're a good drummer, Benjamin, So what types of other things would you do? While on the wait? A minute, you're just going to let that blood thing slide by.

I mean.

Don't you want to probe him a little bit? Go ahead, probe me.

Benjamin, You're doing jokes out of joke books up here. I got it. okay, Benjamin. Relax, I better throw that out. Tell us more about your life.

What's your love life been like? You have any kids? Yeah, I have one kid, he's 55, he's 55..

So for 32 years.

And two granddaughters. Okay, let's talk about the crossover between your 55-year-old child and your 32-year heroin addiction. How did that affect you raising your kid? Do you think, oh, it wasn't good?

Tell us more. Yeah, it's not good to have a junkie for a father. Did you ever have a moment where you were, like, where it affected you and his thing directly? Not really, not really. I kept in touch with him.

I wish he was here to hear that answer.

Dad, what the fuck? hey, that sounds just like him actually? What the fuck? No, yeah, Benjamin, before I let you go, tell me your whole life.

How old are you again? 73 73? You are adorable, you are absolutely adorable.

Thank you man. I appreciate that your entire life, you know, not entire life behind you, but all that experience. 73 years. What's like the craziest thing that's ever happened to you? what's the thing that you're the most proud of? or something like that?

Proud or crazy? well, answer anything. I used to get high with the night stalker Richard Ramirez.

Fucking great answer. That is the first time in 11 years that anybody's answered that question with that answer. I mean, that is just absolutely incredible. And by the way, I believe it, and by the way, I think Richard Ramirez was more afraid of you.

Than you ever were of him. He was pretty weird. Yeah, tell us about it. He used to get dope from the same guy I got dope from, and I was in there getting some heroin and coke.

Speedballs don't do speedballs. Yeah, yeah, right, yeah. Did you hallucinate? Holy shit? All right, what are you making a deal out here?

What's going on? Keep on the story. I saw a giant guinea pig in my driveway once I did so much fucking speedballs.

Somehow, I understood Cam Patterson better than you. This is incredible. I like rocks, but I'm not. You were saying you met Richard Ramirez?

She said I like rocks. By the way, for those of you that missed it, I'm Cam Patterson. I could relate to him right away. Okay, anyway, yeah, I forgot the question.

Richard Ramirez remember smoking weed with him? Yeah, no, was it weed or crack? What was it? heroin?

Shooting coke coke and heroin speedballs. Wow, okay, yeah, gotcha. John Belushi, Okay.

He was a novice, poor guy, but anyway, yeah, so he was in there. Then when he left, he busted a dope deal. He's like, That fucking guy is weird, man, he's got a pentagram in his room under the rug.

And he was weird, he had black eyes, and he was very strange. Then, at my home in San Francisco, my girlfriend's like, Holy shit, Richie's on the news. that's when they caught him, Richie.

You were so close with Richard Ramirez, that's his name, you guys called him Richie.

That's his name.

Wow.

Oh my god.

That is fucking crazy. I also used to get high with Timothy Treadwell, you know, Timothy, the grizzly man, guy that got eaten by a bear.

Wait, what are you serious? I swear to God, who is that dude? Heroin rules.

You meet the coolest people. I didn't know heroin rules. I said, Oh yeah, don't try to take my advice.

What was that guy like? I'm not glorifying drug use by any means. Really, don't fucking try it. Tell us more about Treadwell. He was a really nice guy, but he was fucking nuts, you know?

I met him through my friend at this bar in Santa Monica, you guys probably the English pub there, right on Santa Monica Boulevard. And he was always in there and he had pictures of bear prints in the snow, and he would name the bears after the guys in the bar. Yeah, he never got to me, though.

But anyway, we would tell him, Did he get around to Richie? Are you your good friend? Richie? No, is he a bear?

No, he's a Timmy, but anyway, did Timmy ever try to kiss you or anything like that? Why would that be a thing? Have you seen the movie?

It's a Tony Hinchcliffe documentary, it's an amazing film, it's Werner Herzog, it's fucking great man. It's been a long time since I've seen it.

Yeah, I don't know if he was gay or not. He had a girlfriend and she finally went with him to a last dance. She got ate, too, and she got eaten, yeah, and not a good eating, you know?

Right?

BENJAMIN GrElley Ladies and gentlemen, hey, I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday.

Unbelievable.

Un-believable.

All right, Benjamin, get back there, get back there. We'll see you later. He's catching up with Joe.

Make some noise for the lovely Heidi. Everybody. You must admit, this place is a real sausage fest. We need a little fucking feminine energy.

Okay, another bucket pull. Here we go, just like Benjamin, we're gonna meet them all together. It's Sebastian Eb, everybody, Sebastian Eb.

60 seconds uninterrupted.

How we doing? Austin Okay, all right, damn, it's hot, Austin, it's hot real quick. Let's give a quick happy Pride Month to all the people that classify under LGBTQ MEP.

You know, Ty Ravetta, Bobby Brown, Tony, Right? No, no, I messed up right. so look, okay, look, I'm an ally. Look, I'm an ally, unlike Tony, though, no homo.

I'm wearing socks, I'm wearing socks, if you know, you know. As an ally, though, I am wondering, how deep are we going to implement it into our education system, right? Are we gonna start going a as in lonely ass asexual?

B, as in everyone is bi basically right. C as in watch for hepatitis C, D for demisexual, and E for everyone who's confused on the difference between bi and pansexual. We gotta look out for the dyslexics out there, am I right?

Come on, damn happy Pride month y'all. That's about a minute.

This is just like last time. Sebastian It's okay, it's okay. Thank you. thank you, Tony.

Did you really do gay jokes in that jacket?

It's the gayest jacket I've ever seen in my life. for real. it couldn't be gayer if there were metal dicks on it.

I did get it in Wimberley, you know, you've been to Wimberley. You literally look like you're doing the walk of shame for Michael Jackson's house.

After what he did to me, I can take his jacket, shouldn't have left it on the floor next to me. It's crazy. Somebody said that earlier already, damn.

What, nothing, never mind. I mean, if you're gonna say stuff, you have to at least enunciate. There was a guy, 73 and completely out of place and delusional on before you.

We understood some of it. Uh, Sebastian, how long you been on stage trying to perform? You met me last year? TONY Okay, so what's the answer to the question?

You're not memorable, Sebastian. How new is that jacket? You're the jacket guy. now, you're that guy that wore that jacket.

That's what my friends say, too. Uh, look, I've been doing this since last year, but really, technically, really four months I quit, like seven months old. I basically, Oh, Jesus, Sebastian, Sebastian, you're in that moment right now.

You're on this show, you've seen the show, you've seen the interview part, you're in that moment right now, this is your moment.

Oh, he's putting down the book. Yeah, obviously it didn't work. So Sebastian, do you go out? Do you try a lot? You seem very nervous and uncomfortable and out of place.

Well, I have a jacket on. I mean, it's hot in here. You know what I'm saying? Can I take off the jacket? You think it's hot in here?

It's normal temperature in here, where you were outside was hot, that's true, that's true. I'm just taking off the jacket.

I'm getting what if he just starts killing after taking off the jacket? Now that that's off, what's the deal with da-da-da-da? It's a haunted jacket. Jesus Christ, I'm fucking killing it up here.

Thank God, I got the weight of that jacket off my shoulders.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah, let me warn you, you're about to bomb right now, man. Whoa, wait a minute. why does it look better on you than it did on me? That's not fair.

That's right, 5,000 times better. I like you in that, that's actually actually it fucking totally works for you. Yeah, it works.

It's like Cyberpunk.

No, you could break that curse. Actually, I actually have different intentions for this jacket tonight, look.

This reminded me, Oh my God, is it going to explode? What race are you?

I had different intentions for this jacket. What the fuck pull the string? We talked about this last time. I'm Italian.

Bartolomeo is my last name. Oh, we don't claim you Italians, don't want you to say you're Italian. from now on, you're Iranian.

Oh, Jesus Christ, we need this. Jesus fucking Christ, Tony, I love it. What do you do for work?

Last time I said it, I got fired, I'm going to split the fifth. Well, since you got fired, what did you say last time? Last time I was a marketing guy? ROSA Okay, Tony, can I say something?

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you are terrible. I was terrible last time.

Good times and weed, sometimes. How much did you pay for the jacket? A lot. How much can you answer any questions?

You're on a show, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. $500, $500. No, he didn't.

It's a good jacket.

They're real, but I look better without them, so I just take them off. Well, let's see you with them. We want to see your real self, we want to see how God made you.

This is not made by God, it's made by. Oh, there he is, what a fucking dork. Oh man, you thought you could just take those glasses off and put on that jacket.

Oh my god, when you bought it, it looked like that. What happened to it, dude? No, that was the first thing I thought when I was watching you do your thing.

I'm like, dude, he's like Eddie Murphy from Fucking Raw, Yeah, yeah, except he's actually delirious.

Right, but who reminds us of Eddie Murphy lately? I mean, Cam Patterson, he's been killing it, right? Yeah, Cat Patterson, yeah, he's really killing it out there.

Great point, unlike me, so unlike me-.

D-Madness can only hear, so he never misses a joke. It's a little fun fact. I was hoping I could give this to him, but only if he gets on stage because this is an expensive jacket. No, no, it's going to Matt McCusker.

Okay, okay, I'll keep the jacket. I'm actually glad you said that I wanted to keep it. Okay. Well, there you go.

It'll serve you well. Thank you Joe. Wow.

The good news is it's just the right color that when you blow your brains out, we can bury you in it and it's going to blend right in with your brains.

Did you get a little joke book last time? I'm guessing it's actually in the jacket. I believe it is another terrible answer. He just, he goes out the way he came in.

Just absolute pure sadness, nothing more, nothing less, No secret show, No Joke book. I was originally going to offer you money for the jacket to give to Matt McCusker, but I don't even want to do that.

I could really use it. I just got back from Vegas, you know how that goes?

You can do better than that.