#674 - SAM TALLENT + ARI MATTI

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Yeah.

Yippee, make some noise for Brian Redband everybody.

And how about one more time for the best damn band in the land, Bare bones tonight? The madness woke up with a backache. So no d, no horn players, but we have the great Michael Gonzalez here tonight.

Powerful Matt Muehling on the electric guitar and the one and only John B's on the keys. The Absolute Bare Bones band. Tonight they have a new Instagram at Kill Tony band, There you go.

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You guys ready to start tonight's show?

Every single week I have two of the funniest comedians on. One of these guests was just on very recently. And I love him so goddamn much that I had to have him back because he's in town and he's one of the best in the world. The other guest tonight, it is his first time ever being on panel. You know these guys, you love them.

Make some noise for Sam Tallon and Ari Maddy.

Sam Tallon.

Ari maddy, ari sit over here, right there.

Very, very exciting. Ari maddy, kill tony regular, rotating regular.

Turned panelist here tonight, the Estonian assassin Ari Maddy's first time at the table. Welcome hell.

Yes, welcome, look at you working on your American accent. Yes, I am actually hello.

I have an intolerance for those of you that don't know. We're trying as fast as we can to get Ari Maddy his American citizenship. We are in a race against time. What do we have? Seven months?

Six months now, six months, every single week, it goes down one month, somehow, it is incredible.

We are on a mission from God. Sam Tallon is back. What happened to that visa paper I signed for you? It didn't count, No, it counted.

That's the one I'm on right now, my little angel, all right.

Sam Tallon, one of the great guests in the history of the show, is back. Thank you guys, thank you. We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. Yeah, I'm glad to be here.

Thank you to Kill Tony Nation for somehow selling out my shows in Batavia, Illinois, last weekend. It is, thank you, yeah, the kill Tony bump is real and Sam is out on tour.

Samtallon.

Com. With two L's in the middle. He's an absolutely one of the best stand-ups working today and we're happy to have you back at the helm here. Thanks for having me. Ari Maddy's first time on panel. Ari, you know very well how the show works. But just in case you don't know, 260 human beings signed up for the chance, the opportunity to get up on this show tonight.

Anything can happen. We know barely any of them. Some of them traveled in today, some of them have been signing up for months after months, after months. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know, their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. I conduct an interview, we talk to them.

We find out what's interesting about them, what else maybe they could talk about out of their entire lives. The whole thing is improvised, anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's show? That's a crazy name.

We're going to go wrangle the first bucket pool, while we do, we're going to bring up a golden ticket winner to start tonight's show. Very, very exciting stuff out of our rotating opening regulars. This is a different situation.

We have a golden ticket winner in the house. You know him. How many of you are diehard fans of Kill Tony?

Look at this retard going pee right now. Perfect. You waited until the very, very start of the show. Absolute morons we have here running into cameramen and photographers on his way out.

I mean, you've got to love my fan base. It is absolutely insane, absolute fucking morons, ladies and gentlemen. Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds legendary golden ticket winner makes the noise for the powerful Martin Phillips.

Cool, what's up? I was out, I was tag caught with the other day and I was like, Here, kitty, kitty.

And it never works. So I was like, Hey, get that ass over here.

Cool, last summer, I moved here from Virginia. Before I moved, they passed the porn ban law, and they just passed it here in Texas. This law keeps following me around.

I don't know what I did, I don't know who to blame. I think it's my parents. I think I'm 18 and older now, so I have my own law.

It's called Martin Watch porn, Okay, cool.

My sister has kids and they have a lot of energy. I learned that energy comes from food, so when I babysit, I starve them. All right. Cool Martin Phillips a minute, seven seconds to start the show.

Sam, What do you think about Martin tonight? Martin's the man dude. I'm a huge Martin fan. We were on a show in the past where I accused you of having child pornography, and now that clip has been like,....

That's the clip, that's the clip. Yeah, that's what's going around, yes, and it's going around in a very specific community, yeah.

But it's on hood memes and shit.

It's like 30,000 comments on hood memes. And then my Black friends will hit me up and be like, Damn, you did this squiggly motherfucker bad.

Oh, wow.

I respect that, that is incredible. You are indeed a squiggly motherfucker Martin. Absolutely consistently hilarious. I love your set tonight.

Cat calling Who were you doing this to? Where were these women? Oh no, my apartment complex has a lot of stray cats. That was actually about cats that thought with it.

Got it? Yeah, you are from Virginia, which I was reminded of during your set and also by your everything else. Yeah, exactly, man, what relatives had to fuck for you to end up like this?

Who knows, it's a long, long line, you know?

Yeah, no doubt about it. You must jerk off crazy bro, Oh yeah.

Only if I use this hand.

Oh yeah, the old lasso, look at him, go.

I love it. Get out the magic Wand and bless it.

There it is, whip it good, I love it. Is your dick also bent every wacky direction. Uh, no, no, dude.

I'd imagine your dick is shaped like the letter S.

That's the sound, that's what I picture you jerking off, sounding like when he gets a boner, it looks like an applause meter.

I love it, Martin, what else? What have you been doing for fun in beautiful Austin, Texas? Not taking the stairs? No, actually, I don't.

Surprisingly, I don't like elevators because I have a fear of getting stuck, so I make it worse for myself actually by taking stairs. Wow, your calves are cut, though, yeah.

So anyway, anyway, OK, you're segwaying us out of our own questions. Very good moving things along here. Would you like to ask us some questions, perhaps?

I guess you don't take the stairs either.

Holy shit, Holy shit, Holy shit, Holy shit. Oh my goodness.

Wow, the squiggly versus the jiggly. It's a battle of the titans we have here tonight.

Absolutely incredible. Martin Phillips. I love it, man, I fucking love it. You're out here killing it.

You have a Taylor Swift shirt on. Have you seen her live? Uh, No, and I'm bringing me this shirt because I didn't have nine hundred dollars hanging around, you know, right?

I was at the last concert I was at, I saw Taylor Swift before. It cost thousands of dollars, so I'm an O..G.

I was there, swifty, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're a shifty. swifty, yeah.

Now ari in your home country of Estonia, he would have been euthanized at birth.

They would have left him on a rock and let the crows eat him, they would have stoned him.

Not like Disney, not Disney. No thanks. And Martin, you're doing comedy full time now, at least for the summer.

You know, school is out, but I've been doing it in out of town, so it's true I forgot you're a substitute teacher. Yeah, yeah.

So I always do comedy full time in the summer. Perfect. Yeah, it's been good, absolutely.

And what else been on any dates or anything lately? Not quite yet. But this one chick that I was with, she was like, you remind me of my ex-boyfriend. So that's promising.

Oh yeah, I don't know who was your ex-boyfriend, earthworm Jim?

This is through time. Dude, I would pay so much money to watch you come, it must be.

Yeah, the door guy's here. Yeah, oh, they have no respect whatsoever, door guys.

I thought it was a lot, too. Yeah, no, it is. It's a lot. That's a hazard for you that could get caught on things.

Well, it would break easily. Probably you're someone with erratic arms that is dangerous, only this one's erratic, this one.

Oh yeah, that one's normal, for sure. Wait, thank you, thank you. OK, OK.

Let's talk to your whipper.

This is not alcoholic. The damage been done.

Martin Phillips, You are an absolute consistent, killer way to get it started tonight. Great fucking stuff. And here we go. The bucket of destiny has spoken.

This is where we meet people all together, anything can happen. This is where we've met every regular, every Golden Ticket winner. These people are very excited they could have the moment of their life.

They could have the worst moment of their life. Anything can happen. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to your first bucket full tonight. Phoenix Provocateur.

Phoenix provocateur Oh my goodness, here we go.

All right breeders buckle up.

So I love whenever I hear conservative men give a fuck about anything but themselves, especially when they say, shit. Like, trans women shouldn't be able to use a woman's restroom, because all I hear is I want titties in the men's restroom.

When I was deciding on going through with my medical transition or not, I kind of just put it on a final scale of all right. Do you really want to wear dresses or do you really want to wear suits? Do you really want to pay for hair and nails or do you want to wear the hair and nails? And the only thing that made me want to stay in my masculinity was, Oh, there's rights over here.

But I'm Black, so I'll figure it out later.

I do think that being trans is more about capitalism instead of self-expression. Only because I'm going to have tits, a dick and a grip, I'll be able to go anywhere and fuck anything. I want to thank you. My name is Phoenix Provocateur. Phoenix Provocateur. Welcome to the show.

You know, I always say what I love about this bucket and this show is that we get all different types of people, all different shapes and sizes of human beings. And you are a perfect example of what I'm talking about. This is absolutely incredible, I get it. Welcome to the show.

Where should we even begin? Dude? America is crazy.

I love it, Phoenix. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I started last October? OK, what made you want to start stand-up last October? I've been an entertainer for a while and I've always watched comedy, kind of for a far. And I was like, why don't I just throw my foot or my stilettos in the hat and see what happens?

Yeah, well, your foot couldn't fit in the hat, so that's perfect. What kind of..?

I'm short-circuited. I did, I did. What kind of entertainment were you doing before? I started as a competitive dancer in high school and did that through college. And then I did drag after that, whenever. I couldn't become a Dallas cowboy cheerleader because I have a nine inch dick.

Oh wow, this is absolutely incredible. I'm black before, I'm pretty, but that's that's amazing, that is unbelievable.

I have four hundred and thirty more questions. This is amazing. I have a question, Can we see it? Oh my God.

Oh my gosh, I tried.

That was a good attempt, that was a good attempt. So Phoenix, I mean, my goodness, here we are. You tried to be a Cowboys cheerleader. Is that true?

I didn't try, but I was kind of like, trained. And I dance with a lot of the girls that are on the team and even some of the hip hop team that they have, right? But I just, I was like, fuck it, I don't want to do that, I love it.

Might not have been able to be a cheerleader.

It's tighter than my boyfriend.

Oh wait, it's tighter than your boyfriends. Yeah, because I have a dick. Yeah, yeah. Well, wouldn't his be loose?

No, mine is tighter than his. There you go, I got it, okay, there we go. It's hard for me to think when all the blood is rushed down to my penis. So I'm at a little bit of a disadvantage right now.

I'm trying to pay attention ever since. All right, you must be thinking of so many slurs, I don't even know where to begin.

I love it so Phoenix. How do you make a living now?

Go on girl, basically just through drag. My boyfriend works, so I don't really. What does your boyfriend do? He's a crane operator.

He's a crane operator, he needs it to move that thing around.

Beep, beep, beep, beep. There it is, there it is. I can't. Oh my goodness, she would have been euthanized in your home country.

Absolutely incredible. That's why he came here. Oh yeah, absolutely a little taste of Phoenix, So what made you go with the name Phoenix Provocateur?

Well, honestly, it was my drag name. At first I went with a different one, it was Carmella Delight, but I felt like it made me seem too nice. But I'm more bitchy, so I'd rather be the bitch that's nice than the nice person that's mean or whatever.

You know, it's a different thing. I feel the exact same way, I love it. So what was your joke about conservative men? I kind of didn't get it at the beginning.

They want to see titties in the restroom, explain that to me. I was basically just saying that they're fighting against letting trans women in the restroom. So they want people like me to be in the men's restroom. And I'm, where do you want to go to the restroom at? Where do you want to take a hike?

On my chest.

Meet me in stall number two. Okay, all right. I've always been curious. I'm going to go do my stretches.

I forgot the question. I'm sorry, you have a great sense of humor, I love how you're rolling with everything. What restroom do you want to use?

What makes you most comfortable? Well, I use the women's restroom, right? I'm a little too hyper-feminine to even attempt. Even when I go to the gym and stuff, I just kind of avoid going to the lockers in general. Because I found that in my position, I'm either going to be the victim or potentially make somebody else feel like the victim. And in those situations, I just wait until I get home.

Can you give us an example? Because I'm curious, I genuinely don't know anything. I have just been hanging out at comedy clubs and now I'm a Texan, so life's crazy out here in Texas. How long have you lived here?

My whole life, right? You're born and raised in Texas. Austin all over. Yep, great.

You look like you could be the mayor of Austin, really.

So give me an example of something that's happened to you. Because I always hear this restroom debate, like in a locker room or a restroom, what's the worst thing that's happened to you? When you say you could be the victim, I'm curious to know, like, what's happened?

This was probably a couple years ago. I haven't really had an issue since, but I was in college, out in Nacogdoches, East Texas, Nacogdoches. Jack my axe. Yeah, oh my God, that sounds like a dangerous place for someone like you.

It is, it is.

Especially if I'm dancing on the 50-yard line for the football games. Absolutely, it was pretty intense. But I was selling tickets for a fucking competition or whatever, and this dad came in. What kind of competition?

A dance competition, Okay, it was like, I think it was like high schoolers and middle school dance thing, we were just hosting it. No, what, dad could possibly have a problem with you selling tickets to middle schoolers for an event?

I wasn't selling tickets. Okay, all right, Jesus Christ, don't get mad at me now I'm not. We're not in Nacogdoches anymore. Oh my gosh.

It's easier to get the kids in if they don't have to use money.

I know I would love it if a seven foot tall dragon lady was handing my kids pamphlets or something. Yeah, they must have thought you were from the future, right? This was back in, like, 2017, so he was ahead of his time with this. But like, he basically threw a fit in front of my coach and everybody was like, I don't want that thing going to the bathroom.

And I was like, I'm standing at the front door outside in 72 heat or degree weather in fucking Nacogdoches, Texas, right? I don't want your little snot nose brat, I fucking hate kids, right?

Yeah, I think that you should be able to go to the bathroom in the ladies room, that way your dick doesn't get in the urinal.

Or so you don't try to suck it.

I'm a fan of the movement.

Absolutely incredible Phoenix, I love it. so what else do you do for fun? Tell us more about the life of Phoenix? Provocateur? I travel for, like, Dragon stuff, whenever I can.

I just did a show in Midland at the beginning of last month and then I was in Nashville. Is there anywhere you go to visit where racism isn't rampant?

I've actually done one in a church, what I've done a drag show in a church before you did, I have.

WoW in Midland, Texas. Wow, Church of Satan.

Absolutely incredible. No, just a bunch of white people. So Phoenix, have you always kind of identified as a woman? Is that how that works? Am I saying that?

Right, sure, okay, he's really trying. Phoenix, Oh, I know.

I'm trying my best. I'm a shit-talking Texan. I'm not gonna use any bad words with you. I'm more Texan than you are. You're in my territory, sweetie.

Well, looks like we're about to have a big dick competition. Whoa Jesus, Oh my god, holy shit, she's gonna lasso you.

Wow, you gotta help me get it from between my shoulder blades first, though. Oh my goodness. So tell us what else, what hobbies or anything else other than drag?

Just dancing, I sew sometimes, I don't really wear wigs, but I got some. It's just creative stuff, basically, that's all natural up there.

For this quarter, for this quarter, I had to think about it. Did you get? Are those? What's that? They're growing? they're growing?

So you're like, on hormones, Yeah, it's been about a year as of, like the 15th of last month. How do you feel on them? Emotional? Yeah.

Bitch.

Do the tits make it easier to go to war with alien?

Most guys aren't worried about these at all when they know I have that. What comes out of them? Oat milk.

Or muscle milk? I'm not exactly where does muscle milk come from? I'd imagine, all right, it's your dad's cum, oh shit.

She's fucking your dad in a way. Yeah, exactly. He was fine last year and then this last visit, he's hobbling around. It's all making so much sense. So Phoenix, you live here in Austin.

Yes, and what are some of your favorite local spots? So that I know where I can accidentally run into.

Besides the mothership, you seem more of like a fathership kind of guy.

I don't even. Yeah. Besides the mothership, what else in this city you like live music? I do live music, good restaurants.

I haven't tried a lot of stuff growing up, so I'm still learning. Come on.

Sure, sure, I love it. Well, Phoenix. Very fun times, very fun interview. You are your minute kind of green but promising. you're definitely a polarizing figure. Very compelling, very interesting to watch and a great interview.

I love this show because these people different, like I said, shapes, sizes, mentalities, backgrounds come here. And the fact that we can all laugh together and roll with everything together, and you don't sue me or anything afterwards is perfect and amazing. Here's a little joke book to commemorate your start. Oh shit, I almost made it in between those fucking, she's a real woman, oh shit.

Oh my goodness.

Make some goddamn noise for Phoenix provocateur. Everybody very fun. Start to the bucket tonight. Hell yeah.

Congratulations Phoenix. welcome, we'll see you around.

You guys are out of control, this band is out of control.

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And now here's a new episode of KillTony. All right, your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds going to Adrian Escamilla, everybody.

Looks like.

I used to worship the devil, like worship the devil. Then she moved out and took the kids.

Here's an idea for a new Netflix film. The running time's about two and a half hours. It's a story about a man who's been scrolling on Netflix for about two and a half hours.

This film is rated PG for Please Get a Life.

AOC Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will be starring in a remake of the science fiction classic The Fly. Only now it's going to be called The Horsefly.

On the subject of filthy animals that you can ride.

JaDa PINKett SMITH Yes, actually. After what happened to Chris Rock at the Academy Awards, I think we ought to dedicate the entire month of March to Chris Rock. We'll call it March for Chris Rock. What do you think? Make it a public holiday like Lincoln's birthday, who, coincidentally, was attacked by a deranged actor himself.

John Wilkes Baldwin was the name, right?

Thank you.

Okay, Adrian Escamilla, are you the dad that made fun of my sweet angel Phoenix?

You bastard.

I don't know it's okay, Adrian Sam.

It's just brutal for him to have to follow Phoenix. Oh yeah, it is a transition, it is a tough follow, no doubt about it. The person before you is super charismatic and entertaining, and you come in the world's laziest ninja turtle.

This is incredible, Adrian. How long you been doing stand-up since 2013? Well, actually, technically the first time I tried was 2009, but 2013 wow.

11 years in the game and wow, what do you do? For a living? I work at home, I'm a payment processor.

You're processing payments at home. Yeah, laundering shit, you know? Can we get your hands out of your pockets? Please? Thank you. absolutely incredible.

What's the band-aid on the arm for? Oh, I just donated plasma today, so we're finding out how you really make money. Absolutely, yeah.

How often do you do that? Twice a week? I made 300 today. Wow, balling out of control, ladies and gentlemen.

It hurt like a son of a bitch, you put it all on that joker shirt, that's good, it hurt like a son of a bitch. But you know, it is so scary to think that if we get into an accident, it could be your blood put into us.

I mean, there's really no quality check whatsoever.

Okay, Adrian, what else in life? What are some hobbies? What else are you doing? What's distracting you from getting better at stand-up comedy?

I would love to show you, but they won't let me bring up my deal here. Your what what? I usually use like a prop or something that, like, it's like a performance deal, but like, they won't let me use it. What is it?

A performance deal? Describe it better than that. It's like a it's a scooper and like, use it to make things sing a scooper. I use it to, like, play the music.

It's pretty cool, I think a lot of people like it. You use a scooper to play music.

They play music and I use it, they play music and you use it. Does anybody in the band know? Does anybody have his scooper? Where do we keep his scooper at?

He has a USB drive with music on, so that's, oh, you have it ready, yeah, and you're excited.

Is it trademarked music? Cause? YouTube will flag us? That's what I was worried about. Yeah, we're a show on that network.

Yeah, yeah, bummer. Yeah, well, there goes that idea.

So it's, it's trademarked copyrighted music. Yeah, oh yeah. Well, you've put yourself in quite the hole here, Adrian, and you're sure that's not the one with CP on it.

What?

Hands out of the pockets.

So you have a scooper and music plays, so can you give us an example of a song that plays with your scooper? Name any song and I can play it, I mean, can use the scooper with it. Beethoven's fifth.

All right, how about you use your hand? I can't do that. Why can't you do that? You're so stuck to the scooper.

Art, bring it out here, let someone bring it out here. where is it? It's by the entrance.

Okay, somebody grab his fucking scooper.

Jesus Christ Almighty.

Oh my God, is that it? This is what you lug around with you to perform art. Okay, John Deas, I need you to play something that's not an actual famous song so that YouTube doesn't flag it.

Here we go, one, two, a one, two, three, four.

Anyone gonna sing what? I need someone to sing, Okay, Sam?

This was easier than writing a joke. I do this instead of actually trying a comedy. This is the thing that keeps me from killing myself.

I will have my revenge on Tony Hinchcliffe, I will use his skin as a mask.

This looks like Mario should be dodging it, this looks like Luigi lives in fear of it. Now I know why your forearms are so strong. I'm gonna stop you right there. thank you.

I mean, how about a hand for Sam talent?

Carrying the comedy part of The Scooper Act, Adrian grab that microphone. Matt Muelling is even jumping in here. He literally only talks once every six months, saying, That's really the whole fucking bit so, and what's crazy is.

I always host the show and I have the same fucking question for you, you? After 10 or 11 years of comedy experience, you have decided that a scooper, which by the way, I agree with my entire team, is a safety hazard.

That's not how you use that, you know?

You usually use it to clean up shit. Yeah, that's what I was worried about. How long have you been using that scooper as a comedic prop? It started like around the pandemic, we all went a little crazy.

Absolutely.

What else did you do to the scooper during the pandemic? Don't ask, you know, Ari? I don't know if you know this. But after seeing his prop act, I must say that if he was born in Estonia, he would have been euthanized.

By the Arts Council.

That really is unbelievable. That was nuts. I don't want to critique you too hard because I'm pretty sure this is how Hitler was made. The vaccine fucked this country up.

It is true. Are you vaccinated and boosted? No, okay, that's why you're allowed to donate plasma. Am I correct? They don't take the plasma vaccinated, boosted people.

They don't give a shit, they just want the blood.

Sounds like you, I want the blood.

AdRian ESCAMILLO Well, I wish you the best of luck, man. I really think you need it. I encourage you to take chances creatively and try things outside of the scooper. It seems like you've really boxed yourself in.

Yeah, I'd imagine you do a lot of open mics, correct? absolutely right, and the comedians laugh.

Because you're doing something so different, but there's no way that works in real life.

And if you make it, you're gonna have to split the check with the scooper.

That's true. Here's a little joke book There You Go, Adrian Escamillo.

Oh my goodness.

That was fucking crazy. That scooper is gonna be my nightmares dude.

That might be one of the craziest commitments to art that I've ever seen. He couldn't even do the thing, he's dependent on someone else doing the thing. Yeah, Jesus.

He can't. Yeah, there's so much wrong with that. Somehow, Phoenix Provocateur is the best bucket pool of the night so far. Oh yeah, we're gonna see how things go from here.

Make some noise This guy's been on this show before. Make some noise for Bobby Brown Jr. All right out of the bucket. Here he is.

Hell yeah, I'm living my dream doing comedy right now, man, this shit crazy, you know? Thank you. But when I was a kid, I had a different dream.

I really wanted to be an actor. When I was a kid. I used to beg my mom, I was like, Mom, please let me audition for Nickelodeon, Please, mom. Yeah, little did I know.

I was begging to get fucked. That's weird, that's did y'all see the Nickelodeon documentaries? It's kind of crazy, man.

They had all kinds of weird requirements, Dan Snyder said. Apparently, if you want to be on Nick at night, you got to start taking dick at night.

Yeah, when they said get slimed nigga, they meant get slimed.

Netflix offered those people $3 million to tell the stories about what happened to them, you know? And when the documentary came out, my mom made me watch it with her right, and she was like, Look, Bobby, look what I saved you from. I had to remind her mom. These people just made $3 million.

You didn't save me, mom, you cock-blocked me. That's what happened. Thank you guys so much, all right.

Bobby BrOwn, Jr. Welcome back to the show, Bobby, What up Tony? How's it going? I'm doing great man.

Good to see you, I love it. Good to see you, very fun, good set.

Rock solid. How long you been on stand-up again? Almost six years now? six years. Where was most of that?

At Jacksonville, Florida. Man, Okay, man, dang, what are you giggling at?

Six years wait till you get to the Scooper.

It is true you've only just begun. Compared to the last comedian. I think you look great without the makeup. Phoenix.

I'm just kidding, I know Bobby, he's very funny, we've worked together before. Good to see you again buddy.

You too, man, only black guy in a corduroy hat that I trust.

Because you're the only one, what exactly would you trust him? With? Well, a house, I could watch your house.

You could watch my house from the outside. Yeah, that is correct.

Incredible Bobby. Where'd you get those necklaces at? I got one of them from Walmart, and how about the other exact matching necklace?

This one came out in one of those gumball machines, so they really are, yeah, yeah. I was gonna make a joke about it. Then I stopped myself because I thought, maybe that was actually one of the answers, and I was correct. Incredible.

Tell us about your living situation. BOBBY Oh, I'm actually very excited you asked me this Tony, because a couple weeks ago y'all had an episode come out in the YouTube arena. Congratulations.

You let Cam Patterson tell three million people that I was homeless. I have an apartment, guys, I got an apartment. Wow, yeah.

Thank you, Bobby, I'm gonna say this in Tony's defense, no one lets Cam Patterson do anything.

He does whatever he wants. Yeah, it's true. I have an apartment, though, it's good, okay, how many roommates?

One, why the long um?

Yeah, it's one, I promise, you, promise now I really don't believe you. why would you promise such a thing? How many living roommates, Bobby?

Yeah.

With a name like Bobby Brown Jr.

I definitely don't wanna use your bathtub. I know that that was a great joke. Yes, that was a great joke, yeah.

But you are no relation to the actual Bobby Brown. You just like going by Bobby Brown Jr. because it makes people think you might be that Bobby Brown Jr. And it gives you more opportunities and lets you in places that you wouldn't normally get in, isn't that correct?

I know this for a fact. The answer's yes, yes, yes, it is absolutely no. It's actually a weird situation.

I just, I actually my name is Bobby Brown Jr. because my dad is Bobby Jr. and I'm Tony Soprano III. Yeah, absolutely.

I actually just found out, like a couple of years ago, that I have a different biological dad, though, so I'm named Jr after somebody who's not my dad. You know, it's wow, congratulations.

We have a special award, Blackest Guy of the Night.

Wait, no, I'm getting word. Phoenix is actually the recipient of that award. Do you have to change your name to Michael Vick Jr..?

He was a football player, the dogs I know.

Yes, the dogs, absolutely. This new apartment. Bobby Brown Jr. How are you paying your rent? I work at the airport now.

I just, I push people, old people and disabled people. I push them in wheelchairs. ooh, you're a wheelchair pusher. Yeah, oh, there's someone that thinks that's like, a good job over there. Wow, there's a real stupid bitch over there.

Look at her.

Like, what race? what are you? I don't know, sure, let's start there and then we'll go from there. Read the room Dummy.

Can you read that? Oh shit.

It's not because he's black, by the way, it's because he's stupid. No, I'm kidding. Tell us about pushing people in wheelchairs. Yeah, people I don't know, disabled people are kind of funny. Like I was, I know that first guy was great.

Yeah.

That's pretty much the whole thing in this show. Yeah, no, they're real supportive. I pushed a lady who goes to, like, there's like a school for the blind here in Austin. So I was pushing her in a wheelchair and she was just asking me about my life.

I told her I do comedy and stuff like that, and she was real supportive, you know? But one time she's like, not even one time she kept saying, I can't wait to see you on Netflix someday. She's blind. Yeah, that's what I realized, right?

I thought she was being nice and then I realized after she was blind, so yeah, you showed her, though you pushed her to the wrong gate.

You're flying spirit, bitch.

Incredible. Wow. So you have blind people. Anything else crazy ever happen at the airport? I mean, homeless people try to break in and sleep there.

But that's your thing. Yeah, exactly. That's why you stumbled on how many roommates you have. It's a real house, Tony.

Yeah, right, you have your own bedroom? Yeah, yeah.

Bobby, Bobby, are you still homeless?

Bobby, Bobby, Bobby. So what else? What do you do for fun?

I started, I don't know, I go to the movies now, out here in Austin, you know, you go to the movies, yeah.

Listen, moving here, I had to find some new shit to do. That's fun. They don't got beaches out here like I'm used to, so I don't know. Yeah, there's Jacksonville beaches.

Hey, you know? Oh yeah, man, you should come. One day. I have been out there, that's how I got HEP C.

What do you do when you go to the beaches of Jacksonville? I mean, you look, walk on the beach, dodge needles, you walk on the beach, yeah.

You don't do anything else, there's sharks in there, you're not gonna swim or nothing, right? You gotta be vigilant.

They don't like Dark Man.

You can use that, Bobby, I have no use for it.

Bobby, you've been on this show before. Did you ever get a big joke book? I did, I got one. TONY Yeah, well, there you go.

Thank you man, congratulations Bobby. great stuff. There he goes. Bobby Brown Jr. We're gonna keep it moving along.

And what are the odds that his position out of the bucket was perfect to bring up a man who believes in Bobby Brown Jr?

A person who I do believe put Bobby up in his apartment for a while. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, this is a brand new minute from our very own Cam Patterson.

It's just like this, it's a lot of white people, but y'all are like, really nice, y'all look like good, like black people.

That's the next chance, right? And at the tractor pool, they had the Amish there. I've never seen the Amish in my life. I'm from Florida, dog, so I saw him, I was like, Oh shit, it's the Amish.

And they were like, Oh, fuck, it's a nigga, and that's about that.

God damn it, I say it every week, I'll say it again, you have done it again, coming in, just storming with the best jokes of the night.

Absolutely incredible, all from another weekend on the road. You are able to sell tickets, make money, and at the same time make more material. You are a fully operational machine, absolutely incredible.

Tractor pool in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Sam Talent I just want to say this. So cam, we booked you to do that festival I'm running in Arkansas in October, Diamond City Comedy Festival.

And we received your rider today. Okay, oh, oh.

Oh.

Oh.

That's normal, I need a hydrate, an assortment of gums and mints, ooh, you know, for your perfect smile.

Yeah, beef, jerky, oh, or as you guys call it in Estonia, beef.

And then this is where it gets a bit specific homemade kool-aid.

No, you're joking, No bro, no way. Oh my God, it's true.

Oh my god, and hey Sam, and it better fucking be there, dog.

Oh my God. And it's so broad, there's not even a specific. Even John Deas is confused at your rider and he has the exact same rider.

Where's the chicken? John wants to know. I usually have it at, like the clubs and shit, I don't got to ask for chicken, they got chicken. What flavor kool-aid?

You didn't even say, what, all the kool-aid? whatever kool-aid you, so I'm rating all the kool-aids. So the best place so far has been the mic drop in San Diego. They made all the kool-aids in every flavor and that was delicious, right? Hilarity's was pretty good. And then when I was in Springfield, swear to God, no lie.

When I was in Springfield, there was a black dude with gold teeth and dreads. He was like, What's up nigga? I'm making your kool-aid? I never saw him again.

I'm going to say the same thing to you in Arkansas.

They just hired a kool-aid maker, Dawg, that was it, and I never saw him again, never again. Wow, Oh no.

Wow, that is incredible. So you always drink the kool-aid everywhere you go? Yeah, I taste it. What the fuck is kool-aid?

Cam I'm going to leave it to you to explain to this Estonian man what. Kool-aid is all right, So kool-aid is like a packet, right? It's like a flavored packet with a little bit of sugar in it. He's doing Martin Phillips's hand right now.

That's John, what the fuck sound is this? It's your very own John. D's going against John. This one playing a little kool-aid undertone music.

How do you make good kool-aid? So look to make good kool-aid, right? See, Tony would make kool-aid. he'll put like a little bit of water, right? kool-aid, you know what I'm saying?

And then a small piece of semen, right? And because he's gay, because he's gay, right, and then....

You're learning I have kool-aids.

And a little bit, just a little bit of sugar, right? I make kool-aid, same exact thing. two packets, two packets of kool-aid, right? water, sugar, the whole pack, lots of sugar.

Isn't diabetes a big problem in the?

I don't think this is a good career choice to put so much sugar. That's not the reason, it's one of the reasons, but not the main reason. It got Patrice O'Neal.

That's the expression. He drank the kool-aid. Yeah, yeah, that is true. Very good you're learning.

This is good, so this is everywhere you go. They have kool-aid, or you won't go on stage. Yeah, no, I won't get up. If you don't bring me the kool-aid, I'm not going.

Absolutely incredible. And what else? When you're on the road, are there other things you like to do? Was there other things in Fort Wayne, Indiana, perhaps, that you did? No, I just know one thing.

I know one thing I found out I wanna fuck an Amish. Oh yeah, don't shake your head, Redman.

I wanna.

They smell, man, I don't give a fuck. How do you know that I'm from Ohio, from Amish country?

You're from Amish country in Columbus, Ohio, that Amish pussy, we gotta fuck Amish dude. Hell yeah, they don't know shit about Reddit.

They don't know nothing. Listen, dude, they don't even know myspace dog. Listen, I'm a fuck an amish dog me too, bro.

I wanna fuck an Amish really bad, I wanna fuck an Amish really bad, but I was thinking about it.

They were like, we can get you on the farm, but I don't wanna go to the farm. Yeah, they will have to, yeah, because they stuck in the past.

Right, and I don't know what past they stuck in. Oh yeah, oh yeah.

Oh yeah, no kool-aid out there. In Amish country, you also have to fight through the coarse pubic hair that's fine, and Amish ladies pubes look like your hair, that's fine.

Okay, that's fine, all right. Well, fuck me amish, it's like fucking through chore, boy dude.

You know how cool that'd be? I'd be the only Black person to fuck Amish. Cam Patterson. Black history likes rocks. fuck the Amish.

And there you go.

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Com Slash KillTony Who knows your next bucket pool could be the next future superstar of the show? We're gonna meet them all together, make some noise for Dallas Urban, everybody.

The debut of Dallas Urban Oh, he's been on before the return of Dallas Urban. What's up buddy? Hell yeah.

I went from 230 pounds to 185 pounds in a year and a half. Because, yeah, we're working my ass off and stuff. And the best thing that's happened to me is fucking all those beautiful little fat white girls and mixed race kids over in Pflugerville. Y'all, that's all I can tell you, man. I'm telling you, little Trayvon McAllister needs a dad and I'm here for it.

He's gonna be a left tackle for a Super Bowl winning team and I'm here for it. Yo, I don't even give a fuck if they have yellow teeth, just saying.

Oh man, I don't understand how incels exist, man, when those women exist. I'm just saying, dude, like, I had one trust fund girl here. And my dick is not a block of cheese. It's more of a little smoky than anything like that. Why are you grading it?

Oh, goddamn, I suck.

Shit, this sucks Tony. I suck man, I absolutely suck man. Oh good Lord, I will, I will, I will, I will.

You don't know how.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. this sucks, man. I am a horrible dude. I fucked up.

I completely lost all right. I'm gonna stop you there because you're over a minute now. You started repeating, I suck at 47 seconds. Yes, sir, Yes, sir.

That's my bad. No sir, No sir, Dallas. What makes you even attempt this? I really don't know.

I guess I'm just not a kill Tony guy because I've done this my fourth time and I am very ashamed of myself right now. Are you? When you say you're not a kill Tony guy, does that mean you? Oh, funny, sorry, right?

Yes, sir. Okay, he's stepping on your punchline too. It's incredible, these guys, they just come in and really....

He's apologizing silently now. He just mouthed the words I'm sorry to me, Dallas. Have you considered getting fat again? It would help, dude, it would fucking help, it seems like.

It's worked for me.

I mean, you're fucking good though. Thanks man, you too buddy. Wow Dallas. Yes, sir. what do you think? how long you been doing this now?

Maybe like three years now, three years most of the time here and stuff like that. When you say here, where do you mean in Austin, Texas?

Right, okay, so three years? Why don't we hear the best joke you've ever written? God, this Dallas, my best joke I've ever written? okay?

You've been on this show multiple times, you say you're not a kill Tony guy. Let's hear your very best joke. Here it is.

Three years in the game. DALLAS ErVIN Yes, sir, okay, I found out I was adopted and I got to meet my biological mom when I was 20 years old. 14 years ago. And she gave me five numbers to look up and they were all black dudes.

Yeah, that's it. yeah, that's it. What? Oh my God.

Yes, sir, Yes, sir, Yes, sir. That's not even a joke, it's just a sobering reality. I mean, like, they called her salad Tosser. And I'm just like, Oh, that explains everything about me sexually, so like, that explains so much, man.

Dallas, I'm gonna let you off easy tonight. I saw your hair get more gray during the set.

He had a lot of confidence when he came out, I thought it was gonna go well, he did. I thought so, too.

Dallas, You're gone. Goodbye Dallas. Ervin. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. There he goes, put the mic in the mic stand.

Can you guys Boo, Dallas, Ervin Dallas, Ervin Boo. there you go, get it go Dallas go.

Get the fuck out there, you go very good. That was a true bomb. That is a no joke book. Do not pass go.

Do not collect $200 bomb. Luckily, we have a solution now. When somebody bombs, we call in the fucking bomb squad. We have a superhero that specializes in performing after somebody bombs. Ladies and gentlemen, this is 60 seconds from the great and powerful True Nickens.

What is it true True Nickens? is it true? What is it true True Nickens? Is it true? What is it true True Nickens?

Is it true? What is it true? True? NICKens? All right, ever since I've been made a regular by Tony, my DMs have been popping. I'm talking short.

I'm talking tall, I'm talking skinny, I'm talking wide, it's crazy. Some of them are young and fresh.

Some are a little old, reliable, they're amazing, and some are good and healthy for me, some are dangerous and toxic, but they make me feel so alive.

They all want me to, they love my energy, they even want to be with me, They'll do whatever it takes, they'll even pay me. I mean, these energy drink companies are really thirsty for me, man.

There was this health influencer. She slid in my DMS. She said, Drew, I love you, you're so cute, but I'm worried about your heart. And I said, Baby, it's safe with me.

She said No, Drew, I'm worried about your heart, it's going to explode. That's when I shotgunned an energy drink and then I blocked that bitch. Thank y'all so much.

Drew Nickens He loves energy drinks. Ladies and gentlemen, I love it. So Drew, welcome, another new minute for you. How's life going?

It's amazing, Tony, everybody's been so supportive, everybody's been so kind. There's some funny duddies, but fuck them.

He's the new regular, yeah, one of the new rotating regulars. All it took was a guy with a head injury to replace Hans, Yeah.

I love it so Drew, are there really a lot of girls in your DMS? Hell, No, Tony.

I swear there's four girls in my DMS and seven energy drink companies. Dog, the ratio is crazy. four girls. Drew, you're doing great dog, dude. I got nothing, really.

What nada, purple bacon, nothing.

Incredible, I like your haircut Ari, thank you Drew.

We're friends, it's so good to be hanging out at recess with you two right now.

Yeah, you're the foreign kid who has to be friends with Drew.

Drew, I'm kidding. I love you. you're a light backstage. I'm so happy for you man. Thank you so much Mr.

Talent? I really appreciate you, he's one of the best in the game right now. Let's give it up, stop it.

Thank you, absolutely, absolutely so Drew. I love it and you know, you had your first Texas kiss here.

If you go on dates at all, you like girls, right? Yes, I love girls. you get nervous. Do you like women? Yes, I like women, too.

Hell yeah, Sam Nice, have you been on any dates or anything other than the taco bell? In the car that I ate with a girl? I got friend zoned over spicy nuggets, Tony.

Ooh, that was an Uber driver, drew.

And then I like to go to the arcade and play big Buck Hunter.

You know, Ari, I don't know if you know this, but in your country, he would have been euthanized.

You're correct, Drew, very good.

So one time, Tony, I put five hour energy in my kool-aid, that shit was amazing. Holy shit, oh my God.

He's crazy, he's crazy.

It goes on and on. Can't understand how we last so long. We must have superpowers.

I hope you guys don't mind if I start with a light joke, Okay, cool. I went home with this guy the other night and he started raping me.

But then I looked up and I saw he had a Yale diploma hanging over his bed, and I was like, Nah, he's fucking me.

I was thank you so much.

I was thinking about the women who were fucking the hijackers in 9-11.

I feel like women always give men the benefit of the doubt. You know? They're probably like, Ah, they're on a boy's trip.

All right, we know who did it.

CHLOE LABRANCH This is your first time on the show, right? Yes? welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing standup?

Like, 11 years when I'm not in rehab, I love it, 11 years and what were you in rehab for? You know, I'm an alcoholic, but like, I'm not a loser.

I'll do pills, you know, right? if you have them, I'll take them same, I love it.

What kind of pills were we doing? What do you have, Tony?

I just have testosterone and Cialis, so no, that'll probably get me on JFL, so let's go, JFL's not a thing anymore. We're bringing it back when I go transit.

That's how you get new faces. I love it. Chloe. Where are you from? New York? New York?

Do you still live in New York? I do, and what do you do for a living? Paint houses? I'm guessing, yeah.

It is quite the getup. They did make an all-female ghostbusters. Yeah, this is the reboot of the reboot, Not gonna go.

Well, hell yeah, at least we know you're not on your period.

It's true, yeah, it's because I'm on Tony's pills, so I don't get it anymore. It's true. Period blockers.

So, Chloe, you live in New York. how do you make a living?

Relax, I actually work for Phoenix. No, I'm kidding.

Hell yeah, I hold her dick on the red carpet.

It's at eye level for you.

That was good, Sam, thank you.

Just thinking about Phoenix's cock again.

So what do you do? oh.

I'm a part-time assistant. okay, all right. very good part-time assistant.

You make enough money to survive in New York City? Sure? Ooh, okay, well, you sleep in a cupboard, right?

Incredible. So you're an alcoholic, you say, but you're in recovery? Yes. How long have you been sober? I just got my first year on June 11th, yeah.

Congratulations, Yeah, thank you. What's the trick? how do you do it? How does someone stay sober?

Well, you try for eight years and then.

Yeah, and then nobody wants to drink with you anymore.

Including yourself, so that's really it amazing. You go to meetings and stuff, yeah, keeps you in check.