Cubicle Fight

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Should we just check in with each other first? Just like as friends, like everybody. OK, I'm pretty bad. Keith's definitely not good. I didn't sleep at all.

I'm not great.

Like bad today or just bad in general?

No, no. Physically, we all feel like shit. I felt good yesterday, for the record. And then today I didn't sleep and I feel like shit.

I got super sick yesterday and was in bed all day.

Oh, did you throw up?

No, but I got really nauseous at the end of the day and thought I was going to, and I was worried I was going to have diarrhea, and I didn't either. But my stomach felt like stabby pains.

Wait, wait, wait, save that for the pod. Yeah, Seth, start it over. Well, we're recording. OK, great, great. Yeah, don't worry.

Oh, what is it called when you think you're going to have diarrhea?

A misdirection?

Oh, misdirection, that's right. Diarrhea another day. Live to diarrhea another day.

Oh, it's like a movie.

That's really good. All right, you won. Great. Well, that could be definitely in the professional podcast.

Well, I think that's the open. I think that's what we like to call the cold open of the podcast.

Then we go into some hot trash.

We talked for a long time and then we came to that. And that means that if you heard this, it's time once again for the Seth Meyers and Lonely Island podcast. The Lonely Island and Seth Meyers podcast.

We wrapped on a Friday and we started SNL on Monday.

That's crazy. It was very uncalled for.

The only thing that beats that is coming back from MacGruber. We literally flew out and went straight to 30 Rock.

Save it for the MacGruber summer. No one's fucking talking about MacGruber, York.

God damn it. We're not going to talk about it. So so I got to talk about it now. I got to get it in.

Hey, man, my dad died. Fuck, I remember when I was shooting MacGruber, a dad died.

It's September 30th, 2006.

We needed the pressure of Christmas.

Oh, so, Christmas is really when you guys find your way back.

Well, that's when we were, like, man, remember Christmas last year? Everyone was all excited. We haven't done anything like that.

Because you really don't do anything like that in the Dane Cook show.

No, we limp in, but that's fine. We are exhausted.

No, you're right, though. We had just come from Harrod.

We were exhausted, burnt out and so grateful to have someone else have an idea.

Yes. I should say to our listeners, like, if you decide it's time to listen to this podcast and maybe you open up one of your podcast apps and you scroll to this podcast and you hit play, in doing that, you've put more work into the preparation of the podcast than we have.

I would say two hours.

We watched some videos for this two hours before.

Two hours.

We then ask people to send us links of things that exist on YouTube. Yeah, that's where we're at. That's right. And Cubicle was the title of the Dane Cook digital short. But I believe this is the first Don Roy King episode.

Oh, that might be right.

New director, Don Roy King, who then goes on to win. I want to say nine or ten Emmys. It basically just cleans up the director for Rioty Talk.

And he always said that he wanted to win as many Emmys as he had vests, right?

Oh, you beat me to it. I was going to say, were they all for best vest?

Do you have a look up pictures of him?

Yes. Don Roy King, the incredibly accomplished and well-awarded director of SNL, wore a lot of vests. And now, you know, biggest change, though, is we have a massive cast departure and no additions. Tina Fey leaves. Finesse Mitchell leaves.

Yeah, depending how you're doing.

But it mostly is, I think, a way to signal to the audience, don't expect too much from this person, yet they're new. Other than that, your responsibilities are the same as any other cast member.

Yes. And you're getting paid significantly less.

But, yes, right. It's a nice way of saying you were paid less. But the usual run of business is you are a featured player for two years and then they bump you up. And I think that my first year, because I started with Amy Poehler, she, because she had more credits going into her time at SNL than I did, had managed to negotiate that after Christmas she was full cast. But I did go the full two years.

Yes. Did Amy lord it over you, the fact that she was cast and you were just like a peon?

You know what? It speaks to the kind of character that Amy Poehler has. She came and told me. She said, hey, I just want you to know I'm going to be full cast. I have better credits than you.

So, yeah. So she was kind.

She had already made an entire sketch show, right?

Yeah. She had done an entire UCB sketch show. But now I think that Lauren had no choice but to make everybody full cast, because otherwise there were basically been seven cast members and four featured players. And instead we have an 11 person cast. We are now into maybe my favorite run of things, just because of how lean and mean it is.

Yeah. So everyone got bumped up, Seth, is what you're saying. I didn't actually even remember this.

Everybody got bumped up. Got it. So we go into the season. Here's your cast. Armisen Forte, Hayter, Hammond, Myers, Poehler, Rudolph Sandberg, Sudeikis, Thompson, Whig.

Oh, man. Hitters.

Oh, hitters. Heavy hitters. Hitters.

Well, you really see it in today's short. Actually, it was one of my main takeaways watching it was seeing all the nice young faces around the cubicle and seeing that it's everyone is a hitter, as Jorn would say. A hitter.

Yeah, I just said it. Yeah. It's a lot of hitters being lovingly supportive in a sketch where they don't have much to do. But that is a really cool thing about. the start of the season is we are very lean.

Yes. A lot of joy to his true calling.

The political sphere, known for his political impressions. Yes. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. We'll get there.

So let's talk a little bit about cubicle.

Yeah, I noticed you're calling cubicle, not cubicle fight. Is that what it was on the rundown?

It is. But I guess a more accurate description of it is cubicle fight.

Yeah, that was probably our way to not try to ruin the surprise that it was going to be a fight, even though it says cubicle fight in huge yellow letters right at the beginning when it starts.

I have a dumb question about the title. Keeve, is that impact? as a font? It looks slightly different to me, or is it that you crushed it together? Sorry, this is very nerdy that I would ask.

I know. Let's take a look.

I'm going to. it looks like impact, but then like squashed to fit in the screen.

Save it for your font podcast.

Not interesting. But isn't it funny that I would ask?

I think it is impact. And I might have just stretched it.

Ah, interesting. For no reason. Not 100% Lonely Island of a choice.

Yeah, yeah. Well, it had to be a little different, because this is not a shirt. Yeah. So it does have the card. It does have the card.

Yeah. So Andy's in it and you directed it. I don't even know if I went to set.

I'm quote unquote in it.

Yeah, but technically none of you were behind the idea of it. That's what we figured out today. Yeah, correct. John Lutz wrote it at the table.

But it's Dane's idea. Dane Cook came in hot. He came in hot and had this idea. That's why his name is first on the list there. And I remember him having the idea and it was a good idea.

John Lutz, who, of course, went on to 30 Rock and is now a writer for Late Night with Seth Meyers. That's my show.

That's right. Yeah.

I asked John Lutz to record a voice note. He said, I'm on a train. Let me know if this is OK. And I wrote back, ha ha, this is terrible sound quality.

OK, great.

But then he said, I'll record another one when I get off my train.

Hello, this is former SNL writer John Lutz calling in. Just wanted to give my opinion and say that I believe that a cubicle fight was one of the best digital shorts ever made during my time at the show. The reason it was good, I thought, was because it really featured Jason Sudeikis and Bill Hader. I feel like more digital shorts needed. Hader and Sudeikis.

I also will say it was written by me, which is something else.

they could do more of.

I think the Lonely Island seemed to write a lot of those things.

They could have spread it out a little bit and gotten some better quality digital shorts. But that's just my opinion. So thank you for your time and thank you for your consideration.

Yeah, that's very sweet of him. I love it. He technically works for my show, but I do not consider myself John Lutz's boss. I've known him for too long. We came up in Chicago together.

That's how Akiva talks about me, but I still consider him my boss.

There you go.

We're colleagues.

I will say Akiva has a real boss energy. And even when he started SNL, I felt like he might be my boss a little bit.

I mean, Akiva, kept screaming on Hot Rod that he was going to fire him.

A lot of hugs. That's my main thing. Yeah. Oh no, he's a little handsy. A lot of hugs.

We've talked about how he hosted twice in a calendar year.

Oh, that's why I was like, why have we already talked about this guy?

It was his like boom time. He was the biggest comedian in the world for two to three years.

Yeah.

Didn't Dane have some other pitches, though, too, for other shorts?

This is my memory of it. That might be really wrong is that he came in with this one. And I was so relieved because, again, we had flown out on Sunday and now it was Monday. And then in comes a funny host who has his own idea for a short. And the idea that we could kind of, you know, I'd still have to do the work, but we could just relax and not have to kill ourselves to try to think of something, was a huge relief to all of us.

The very simple idea is Sudeikis is a boss showing new hire Bill Hader to his cubicle. He gets to his cubicle, which is tiny. And Dane Cook is already in that cubicle. Sudeikis leaves and there's basically two men enter, one man leave. Energy.

Oh, yes, sir.

And there's some good, I would say, Zucker, Zucker, Abrams style, surreal jokes like opening up the hole punch thing, where it has all the little confetti of paper that you've hole punched, and blowing it into his eyes. And he reacts the way you do if you had like acid spilled in your face.

Yes, because then, moments later, Fred is hit with a coffee in the face.

Correct. And then there's a nice one with the pencil, where he's trying to attack him with a pencil and it's being held back the way you would a knife in a Saving Private Ryan style scene. But then he comes up with the electric pencil sharpener and kind of blocks the pencil with it. But then, when Bill pulls out the pencil, now it's very short.

Oh,

It had been shortened, gruesomely shortened.

And again, we talked about the tight cast, and there is something fun about the fact that everybody's head sort of pops up from the adjacent cubicles. And the first round is really fun because people are sort of underplaying it. They're popping their heads up. Nobody is overenthusiastic one way or the other.

You know, it implied to me that that's how they all got their cubicles, right? That this is a normal thing. If you show up at this office and get hired, you have to take a cubicle from somebody.

I think that logic holds. Yeah, I think that comes through.

Now, Seth, you're not in the cast anymore.

Well, this is a real gray area. I mean, I'm not in sketches anymore.

Well, that's what I mean, because when I look at the list that you just went over of who's in the cast, they're all in this short, except for Daryl.

I think me, Maya and Daryl are not.

Oh, Maya's not there.

Yeah, I didn't see Maya in it because I did. actually, while I was going over the list as well, I thought, oh, is this everybody? And we're going to get to other things in this show, because we now have the kind of cast where you can do a full cast sketch and almost get everybody out there, which is a blast.

Yeah, everyone shines in this one. So I would say, oh yeah, absolutely.

I mean, they're all hitters.

It's also true. It's also very. it's a very goofy sketch with goofy stuff. And then it ends, though. What is the actual murder weapon?

Letter opener. Letter opener.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Steve, take my magic 8-ball!

Dane takes the letter opener and just off camera, stabs Bill and blood splatter on everybody.

Steve, do you feel like this was like a precursor to you doing Naked Gun? Do you feel like that? this is going to be a lot of like stuff that you learned in Cubicle. Fight is going to end up in it? And why are you always bringing up Naked Gun?

This is what the Zucker brothers.

However long it takes.

Bring this guy in. He gets what we do.

Keev, I actually have a director question. You're doing a blood spurt. Obviously, when you blood spurt a cast, you're going to ruin their wardrobe, ruin their makeup. Ideally, you get it the first time. Yeah.

I'm guessing this was a one one time thing. Got it. Especially because it's also getting on the walls and the cubicle. That'd be a big reset.

The Lonely Island podcast is supported by Airbnb.

I do. And I was jealous.

Took a balloon, went around the world, took somewhere between 79, 81 days. And while I'm doing it, I'm thinking I should Airbnb my place, right? I would be nuts not to look into it. You know how expensive it is taking a balloon, just the propane, to keep it aloft.

I know you spent an arm and a leg on that trip, and I commend you for wanting to chip away at that nut.

Of course, because otherwise you're stressed the whole trip.

Otherwise, you're a fool.

You're a fool.

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I doubled over. It hit me right in the face. And then, oh, it was like in the stomach. after that. I hated it.

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Or he had to refill it.

Yeah. And then he just kind of messed around with it for five minutes. And, to his credit, didn't make us wait an hour. Walked over and said, yeah, I don't think it's going to work. And I'm like, all right, we'll just use the first one.

And that was it.

And by the way, it was a perfectly usable shot. An observation I made. Sudeikis has always been a very good food actor, very good gum chewer.

He's working it. Yeah. Oh, my God. He's like borderline pitting it, you know?

Yeah. There's a Brad Pitt-ian quality. Now, again, we've seen him at this point chew gum in a-holes. We know he can do that. But when he returned the second time we see him, he's back,

I think, with like baby carrots and just a fistful, a giant fistful of baby carrots.

Yeah, and a very fun, using exactly half of his face to talk, chewing with half and then talking with half. And it's really a delightful performance.

Now, the report he keeps asking for is the Higgins report. Which is not only Steve Higgins, one of the producers at SNL at the time. I mean, still is now, but was even then. So we knew it. And Higgins was going to see this and there was going to be a Higgins report.

We should talk to lawyers.

I mean, one, Sudeikis has a mustache. Yeah. Two, Higgins.

And he's a boss and a kind of with a jolly disposition.

One might say, the coach of the cubicle team.

And it seems like a very similar character. It's a very light and smiley. Now, you keep saying that the cast is all hitters. Do you think it is a coincidence that when I look at the show intro, it says right after everyone's name, you know, Kristen Wiig. And then it says the killers.

Oh, yeah.

Now, does Lauren put that together? Does he go, I've whittled this down to 11 cast members. They're all killers. Let's get the killers on here to kind of just conflate the names.

I think that Lauren said hitters, but that it was interpreted as killers. And then that got put in.

Oh, the talent department got it wrong.

You're saying Lauren asked the music department to find him a band called the Hitters. Yes.

Yeah. They were like, hey, we got the Google dolls. And he was like, are you kidding? If people see the whole cast introduced and then hear the word Google dolls, they're going to think we're a bunch of nuts.

We're begging. We're begging the New York Post to write the headline. Google dolls ruin SNL.

Yes. And they're like, get me something with balls. You know? Yeah. These guys are sharpshooters of comedy.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Yeah, they chose the hardest one.

I did. It was not quite in my register.

I was just remembering when Seth was singing that at the top of his lungs at Andy's bachelor party, front row of David Copperfield.

Can we get through one of these without giving like great detail about my bachelor party? Spoiler alert. David Copperfield.

You know what? I'll definitely bring up your bachelor party again when we get to a certain digital short.

I wonder which one.

Well, at least twice. There's at least two digital shorts that are going to lead to a bachelor party.

Story. Oh, I can't wait.

Yeah, but I'm not going to get ahead of ourselves.

OK, guys, for me, you twisted my arm. It was Mr. Brightside's Mr.

Brightside's.

Oh, what a fan. I don't think it's sides.

I don't know. That's how I sing it.

By the way, Sam's Town, I believe, is a great album. That album is all hitters. Yeah. But you have to remember, Andy, it keeps coming up because it was also basically my bachelor party. Yeah.

And kind of mine in a way.

Keeve's too. Keeve never had a bachelor party. Hey, we basically. now I should say it hasn't taken us a long time. We're basically through the first episode's digital short, which is Cubicle.

Well, you heard from the horse's mouth, right? Lutz hates Andy. Oh, yeah.

I'm going to just guess because I look too young.

Yeah, that's true. It was still before, a time where it was believable you'd have an office job.

Yeah, they are supposed to feel like square office. I would work there, but I wouldn't have my own cubicle. Yeah, you're the cubicle next door. And I'm kind of peeking over, but I like to think I was more of like mailroom, you know, passing through. I also have a clue.

He was in the room, right?

Because you were supposed to be buried, right? He got there and he's like, guys, hear me out. I'm in here writing. Why don't I just do it? Should I be buried?

And I remember Andy was like out getting a smoothie and he came in. He's like, hey, how's that Barry's grip coming? Yeah, the one where I'm on the last one.

I like to think that Andy refused to cut his hair for this.

Oh, I see. But also, Barry would be a worse show if it had Andy's 2006..

Definitely. Yeah, yeah. Noticeably agree to disagree.

Ex-military or something. Agree to disagree.

Before we move on to the second show of the season, can we pop over to Seth's Corner real quick?

Yes, absolutely. Yeah, no. Seth's Corner, you're all invited. Seth's Corner. It's happening right now.

All right, it's two things I want to get down for everybody here. First was the cold open and the joke in the cold open, which I really enjoyed, it didn't quite play red hot, but I thought it was a very nice observation, is that it's 2006,, the early who's going to be the Republican candidate to run in 2008.. And it was the idea that nobody wanted George W. Bush to campaign for him, because he was very unpopular at the time. So it was a local comptroller election and the comptroller was thanking everybody for coming, who'd spoken ahead of him.

That was awful, nice.

And, last but not least, Danny Pendleton, from this very school's Republican club, who organized the top notch car wash operation that raised five hundred dollars for the campaign. Danny, stand up, stand up. Hands all outside. I don't know if we've talked about it. Forte got put in the unenviable position of playing George W.

Tough road. Yeah, that's a rough assignment.

And, by the way, a lot of talented people tried. Nobody ever broke through. I think, if you go through the order, it was Forte was maybe first.

No, Parnell, I think, was first.

Maybe Parnell, then Forte, then Sudeikis for a while.

Right. Yeah. Did Daryl ever do it?

I feel like Daryl had one, but maybe didn't do it. That's something we should have done a little research for. But the reality is, I should know, Forte didn't like doing it. I thought he was really good. Yes, I did.

Right. Good point.

But I remember this address and it was a line I really liked because it was a good George W. Bush's dumb line. He's sort of talking about everything that's going on in his presidency.

Of accountability. Lots going on in Washington.

It's good to be good to get out of there.

You know, time and time again, that accountability got an N.

leak. What we are trying to accomplish.

I'd be more angry about it, but it's hard not to think as one of my guys who leaked it. We do that.

We can find consistency in our own behavior.

Taliban's back. That's a burn. For the last seven years,

the private sector has been shaken by numerous finance.

We reached a torture compromise. That's good. The public sector has. similarly, you know, constitutes torture. Listen to John McCain talk about torture.

When is that guy going to realize no one blames him for getting caught? Oh, wow. I really like that line a lot. Yeah. It played to silence.

I love hearing Lauren's inner workings like that. I'm like, oh, interesting. Yeah.

Now I should know. I think Lauren is right. Whether it worked or not, there was a nice craft to it. But I took it out because it really did play to silence. And I just remember that.

Do you think Trump was in the audience so that 10 years later, he could be like constantly blaming McCain for getting?

Well, that's the really funny thing is the GOP did find their way to a candidate who did blame him for getting captured.

Yeah. Yeah. Seth Conner, that was Seth talking about stuff that he did that week.

Oh, Yoram called it, I guess.

You're done. You're done. Unless, you're not done and you want to continue.

Oh, the song kept going.

But there is more Seth Conner, guys, because one of my favorite sketches of this era that I wrote, please continue.

You are vigilant, precise and qualified.

Every one of you has at least a high school equivalency degree. And not one of you has ever been convicted of a felony. You are the cream of the crop.

You are elite.

You are America's airport security.

You are the TSA.

Give yourselves a hand. Give yourself a hand. It's Jason and Dane speaking to the TSA, and then it's just the TSA being dummies. It's a full cast sketch. And it's so much fun.

That was frustrating. I remember that.

Let's just start with a quick security refresher.

Let's name some liquids and some gels.

So just yell out some liquids.

You want to name some liquids and or some gels, liquids and gels.

Anything you got?

Water, water.

That is a liquid. Good.

Toothpaste! Bingo! That is a gel.

Shampoo! Wow. You guys are doing great. Turkey sandwich. Nope, nope, nope, nope.

Oh, this sketch has got my number.

You're going to love it.

I'm offended.

Oh, whereas I love it. And can you ever imagine you're somewhere in between?

Yeah. You know, it made me laugh, but I didn't like myself for laughing.

It's really good.

That's yeah, that's where we differ. Everybody's got their own lane.

Now, there was a cut on air. Quattro.

This might be the most I diverge with the Lonely Island over their course of the run of the show.

Oh, don't, Seth. Just come back to us on this one.

I'm just saying, I feel like you have first explained the inspiration for the character Quattro.

Absolutely. Quattro is a mutant who lives in the stomach of a character that you've seen for most of the movie, in The Resistance on Mars, in the film Total Recall, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, based on what is it based on? I don't think it's based on anything. Probably a hallucinogenic fever dream. Anyway, the whole movie may or may not just be, you know, a digital program that he goes into, like, have an exciting time.

It's a wonderful reveal.

And also, when he does that, he kind of goes limp, right? The dude who carries Quattro around his belly.

Yeah, the host body.

Yeah, his eyes kind of roll back, like he's, like, busting. Oh, I'm sorry. You took that as being in pleasure? No, I'm just saying that's what it looks like on his face.

By the way, I just say moments ago, you were grossed out by my gel joke.

That was fucking disgusting. Also, there's kids watching us now. Total recalls rated R. It's totally above board. Anyway, he looks like he's buzzing a fat load.

And Seth, if I'm not mistaken, you loved the idea right off the bat.

Well, here's the thing. Everything you've explained about Quattro, like, you put a lot of backstory into it, none of which actually comes to play in the Quattro that you chose to show to the world.

Well, why would it? Some of it is. He's at a house party. Like, why do you need to know it yet?

I mean, I feel like in the film, Quattro was not a fan of Molson beer or schmintz.

Oh, no.

Which was basically all he talked about in the sketch.

Okay, that's not all he talked about.

It's sort of peppered in.

Yeah. Lovingly sprinkled.

Quattro aired once or twice? Twice.

Well, it's different, Seth, because we felt great about Quattro, but it felt like at the time that you thought it was weird to bring up a movie that was 20 years old and actually made us put the line in about how it didn't make any sense to reference a movie from 20 years ago.

So he says, the movie from 20 years ago?

Yeah, that's your line, because you were so horrified that we were making this reference.

All right, hold on.

That might be canon. Yeah, I want to open up Quattro here.

That might be canon.

In Quattro and Dane Coe, this is the one from Dress. You do it at Dress.

Legitimately, I have a question for you, Seth. At the time, I completely understood your point of view of it's a 16-year-old movie that hadn't really stuck around that much, and we weren't doing any explaining, et cetera, et cetera. But now, in a culture that's saturated with nostalgia and IP, I wonder if it'd be different now.

Mm-hmm. Well, I would like to point out that if you did it now, there would have been less time between now and the remake of Total Recall than there was between yours and the first Total Recall.

Yes, yes. I don't think Quattro was in the remake, though. No way.

Did they leave Quattro out? Probably because you guys...

At their own peril.

No wonder I didn't watch the remake.

I mean, I will give you credit for this. Usually, sometimes, people will bury the premise of the sketch. The sixth line of the scene has the word Quattro in it. Yeah. This is the lonely island, keeps things moving.

That's fucking good. That's good writing.

And, by the way, also I want to note, I think this is all added between dress and air. I think that this is good writing, that somebody, aka me... No! Maybe, you. Maybe.

I don't think that. I think that line seems like quintessential us.

Jason, a Quattro, you know, a little mutant guy who lives inside him and comes out of his stomach. It was in that Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, Total Recall. Oh no, now this is the write-in. There's Myers. From like 20 years ago?

Yeah. Not explaining as us, explaining as you.

Yeah, and by the way, someone crossed that out. That line was going to get cut for air. Because this got cut for time. It was in the rundown. That's from Quattro dress for Dane Cook.

But, by the way, if it's written in for Jamie, that means it was in Dane, you guys took it out, the next week you tried it again without it.

Wait, can I continue to be offended? Because, obviously, like, Seth's, not liking some of the logic holes. But, Keev, how are you not on this? I'm looking at the names on here. Like, did you not like this?

No, I don't know. But I do know that Quattro's were always your guys' thing. Yeah. We didn't always write everything together. But I'm surprised I'm not the third name on it just from being sitting in the room.

Yeah.

You were probably working on a cubicle fight when we wrote it. Oh, that's true.

Can I just mention something real quick? I feel like my hatred for Quattro is a little bit like Andy's hatred of my dog, Frisbee.

Right. Oh, I don't know if you can compare.

At this point, it's kind of just my thing. I don't even know if I have any emotional feeling about it, because reading it now, I'm pretty psyched. First of all, I'm psyched. I think it worked because you guys put back my line from, like, 20 years ago. By the way, while they're fighting me for it, this is how they wanted it to be.

That's a good question. I think it's a little hateful on our parts, I would say. It's like being mean to the audience to take it out.

All right, anyway, now Quattro shows up, but here's the first big difference between Quattro in the movie and Quattro as Andy plays him. Andy, your Quattro is sort of a fun party, Quattro.

Yeah. Well, the resistance from the mutants, or whatever, is already done.

I see.

So now he's just kind of a party guy. Yeah, this is just a normal life.

So movie Quattro, can you even give us a sense of what movie Quattro sounded like?

It was kind of like this, open your mind, Quaid.

Okay, Quaid was the character that Arnold Schwarzenegger played.

Well, can I say that that was one of the crown jewels of writing this sketch, was that I really thought it was possible. Our version of Quattro calls everyone Quaid. Like, call someone dude. Like, he just refers to everyone as, like, Quaids.

Let me just say, can I jump in real quick? I now want to take full responsibility. I cannot believe I asked you guys to put in the line from, like, 20 years ago, when immediately Quattro starts calling everybody in the scene a Quaid. Yeah. Which is the name of the character, that goes unexplained.

What I'm still bummed about is that I thought it was possible for us to bring that into the lexicon of the English language and that people would actually start calling each other Quaids, just because I think that's a cool substitute for dude, or if you got a bunch of your Quattros together and you all had a pool party or whatever, and, like, a bunch of Quattros were gonna bring the Molson's, but then they forgot, and, you know, just whatever.

Hold on, wait a second. Now. your argument, Andy, was that I said that you guys talked about Spence too much, and you said it was peppered in. I'd like to just read Quattro's opening dialogue. What's crackin', y'all?

Great writing.

Sure thing, buddy. I got one right here. 2006..

And Jason does have one. Sure thing, buddy. So this is a world where people carry Smints. Yeah. So it's not weird.

By the way, shout out to our sponsors, Smints. We love you guys, and thank you so much.

Andy, keep them coming. Oops, you missed. Thanks, Quaid. My breath is kicking like Bruce Lee. Jason, he's really into Smints.

Because you don't have hands. So Jason had to throw the Smint into your mouth.

He did have hands, but he couldn't manipulate them.

They're like little T-Rex hands. Seth, it's not peppered in.

It's all it is, yeah. It's just Smints and Quaid over and over again. By the way, we now get off Smints because you say, any of you Quaids want to see me eat my own fist? Now, by the way, I should know too, then Jamie says, why does he keep calling us Quaids? So you guys do explain.

It still makes me laugh so much.

I mean, it is music.

It's true, thank you.

I'm also so mad that right before you say Molson, you go, you guys are so molded, which sounds like Molson when Quado says it.

Yeah, it sounds messy. It like reminded him of Molson's. By the way, neither Jorma or I had ever even drank a Molson's beer. at this point. I don't know.

Okay, to be fair, Keev, I don't know if you remember this, but when we were in high school, you and I tried to write a feature script. I can't remember what it was about, but there was a Canadian Mountie in it and we were obsessed with Molson beer.

Oh, really? Yeah, Molson was our go-to joke beer, and I don't know why, because it also made its way into MacGruber, right? Didn't it at some point?

Oh, yeah, he's a big fan. Stop talking about MacGruber. Keev is always talking about it. He'd like any excuse.

And yeah, I'm going to get it into Naked Gun.

I just haven't figured it out. Bill wakes up, you guys. Sure. And he says, what happened? Where am I?

So that's a fucking detective story right there.

Yeah, that's good. Do you remember how this sketch ended?

Yes, and it got a big laugh. Daryl, as Schwarzenegger steps in front of the camera.

Bill exits, the group freezes. Daryl, as Arnold Schwarzenegger appears in a spotlight downstage. Completely written between dress and air. Hello, I'm California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Yes, that's me out there. Good night out there.

I just walk around the streets and like shout out stuff. Like, hey, like anybody have, like a dog walker?

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Well, mine's a job board. It is a job board, which is different. But you know, it's not working. good for me.

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It's so fast, Seth.

And sometimes you think to yourself, man, back in January, I had all these big plans, things to accomplish.

So many plans.

Things to be proud of. I was going to make some adjustments to my life. Well, you know what? It's not too late. And one of the best ways to make adjustments is therapy.

Yeah, I just got rid of my therapist. My ears are perking up.

I can see it. And the crazy thing is, you're wearing headphones.

Yeah, and you can see them enlarging.

You can see the perkage of the ears.

That's right. Tell me more.

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Yeah, so we've switched shows. We're in the second show. Still exhausted from Hot Rod.

Yeah, because there's still no digital shorts. And once again, you guys, this time, are bailed out by Fred and Amy, who do New York Stories. And you go out and shoot these.

Yep. This is another one where it's just me going out as a director to help do something.

These don't say it has no digital short on them.

They do not.

They just say New York Story.

Exactly. There were three kind of little interstitials that played throughout the show. that were Fred and Amy, as various New York icons paired up.

And I think the most memorable for me is they are just Lou Reed and Patti Smith standing in front of CBGBs. And you can just tell there's a very loose script, but it mostly feels improvised and it is shot in a very guerilla style.

We're going to talk about CBGBs.

Shut up! And I remember at the time thinking it was cool as shit.

I really like, in hindsight, having just watched that one, you're saying, I remember being out there and we just had one camera. They just got dressed that way. We just ran out. And I loved how simple it was, basically.

It's funny that it's making fun of the idea of putting New York on a pedestal and how punk rock it is, and yet it also is accomplishing that. it's pretty punk rock and you're actually in front of CBGB and it's not there anymore. So it's weirdly historical.

Yes. Fred does a Fran Lebowitz. that also seems like a... Again, Fran Lebowitz has been, I would say, ringing this bell for a long time. But it does seem like Fred is doing an impression of Fran Lebowitz's documentary with Marty Scorsese, Pretend It's a City, but 15 years before it airs.

Are you ready? Are we all framed up? This is my favorite street in all of New York. I grew up all along here. This hydrant used to be the best Jewish.

You kind of can't believe how keyed in Fred was, of course, to Fran Lebowitz, Lou Reed, Marty Scorsese.

It's the things that he loves and then finds the little kernel of putting it on this exponential plane of, like, look at this tiny little aspect, and now I'm going to blow it up a thousand times.

Well, that's what Fred and Bill do. And it got to the point on the show where they had a one-sentence impression of everyone who worked at the show. And they would reduce you to rubble. And you'd just be like, oh, yeah, no, do that. And they'd be like, uh, blah, blah, blah.

be like, that is what they sound like, oh, fuck.

I distinctly remember Fred's version of me, because I was like, oh, he's going to do my voice. And then he was just saying, I'm your man, I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it. And I was like,

oh, fuck.

That's so accurate.

I once saw Fred, oh, by the way, first of all, Fred just left me a voice note today where he said, I was just watching September 22nd rerun of our show and the drums were a little hot.

God damn it.

Marty Short and Steve Martin asking me if I'd seen Fred's impression of one of Lauren's friends.

Yeah, and who the hell are you? We are your next hit record.

Great.

So I hear your rock band is something like Bon Jovi? Well, you take that back. We are nothing like Bon Jovi. We couldn't be further.

from Bon Jovi. God!

Okay, fine. So what is your band's name?

John Bovee.

See, now, that sounds a lot like Bon Jovi to me.

Yeah, well, the similarities end there, Jackie Downs.

Yeah, you do not even mention Bon Jovi in the same sentence as John Bovee. It is insulting to us and all the.

Bovee fans. But much like Stefan, it lived as a sketch first. And only once in the Jamie Presley show.

Right, right. That did air. Did the first Stefan air? It was with.

Ben Affleck. I feel like it maybe aired? I think it did air. I'm not sure.

Well, it at least went to dress. I know that.

It definitely went to dress. How did they queue up the sketch? Was it? they were selling an album, so they could do a bunch of songs?

Or what were they doing? I remember they were trying to sign a record deal. Oh, okay. Because they kept saying one of the catch phrases was we brought our own pens.

And I'm unwanted. Unwanted! Alive and dead. Alive and dead.

Alive and dead.

Alive and.

There was a sketch, a James Anderson sketch, that I feel like it was too hard to maybe stage, but it made me laugh so hard at the table. And it did go to air. NASCAR dancers, do you remember NASCAR dancers?

No.

Think of cheerleaders, but they're at a NASCAR race and they have to run out and do a routine and then get off before the cars come back around. Another sketch that I feel like, maybe not remembered by the audience, but certainly remembered by me, big wigs, where Jamie and Poehler, I think maybe it was just the two of them had very big wigs.

No, there was a third at least. Maybe wig? Maybe. That one was infamous.

That was infamous. Yeah. Oh, why?

I remember that was the photo used in our first Saturday Night Dead headline.

Was there a Simpsons episode that did that too, or like as a making fun of SNL, or am I just making that up?

No, no, that's the crusty big ear family.

Right, but it's basically the same thing.

Yeah, just taking the idea that people call bosses big wigs and went, what if they actually had big wigs? You guys, they're here. Oh! From corporate, the big wigs.

Houston, we have a problem,

but lucky for you, we're the problem. solvers. C-I-P-Wigs!

Who do you call when the numbers are down?