Laser Cats! 2

Can I say something on a personal note? Oh, Jesus. It's insane that we don't ask guests to do this, because every person on earth that I know is currently asking me to do their podcast.

Yeah.

It's out of our shame.

Maybe this will make this one special that there's no guests.

I think that's the great gift. And you know, I do wanna point out that I have a second podcast called Family Trips to the Myers Brothers. And, Andy, you're one of my closest friends.

Oh, here it comes.

No. He knows not to ask.

Here. it hasn't come. I haven't asked you.

Because we're doing this.

No, because-.

And he knows your attitude.

I'm trying to be a bro and not ask you a question.

Because you don't have guests on it. It's just your family.

Did you just say we don't have guests on?

Yeah, like, because why would you? That's so rude to people to ask them to be on a podcast.

No, we do have guests on. Oh, you're a piece of shit. And thanks for being a loyal listener. We have guests on every week. It's a guest-based show.

I barely have time to listen to this one while we're doing it.

Okay, well, I guess the opening of this show, the cold open, has been a pretty soft plug for my other podcast.

Don't listen to Seth's other podcast. Live your life instead. Go outside.

Oh, my God.

This is coming from Andy, who doesn't go outside that much. You don't know that.

You don't know that.

I'm inside when you're in town, because it's the only time we can work. Oh, geez.

Now we're getting down to brass tacks.

We'll cut all this.

Everything is staying. Is it? The Lonely Islands High Fives Podcast.

We should just act like these are months apart, so that we can just repeat ourselves and forget what we said and just give up.

We're not gonna give up. It's episode 16..

16?

I am curious what more we're gonna have to say about laser cats with each successive laser cat episode.

There's infinity things to talk about.

There are infinity things to talk about. Infinity. I wanna start by saying this is the first time that Jake Gyllenhaal hosts SNL. He has done it since. He was a wonderful host.

Well, if the internet could've stood on its feet and started chanting more, more, more, it would've. You know what I mean? So, yeah, I did.

Can't even tell how sincere that is. Were you guys hearing a lot of good things about the first laser cats? I don't think so. No.

I think we just wanted to. It was like one of the only things we'd done, we were like, making another one didn't sound gross as an endeavor, because it was so low stakes.

Well, I think, because the comedy comes from the fact that nobody would want you to do a second one.

That's our comedy to present it to you. That's why I liked it. It was knowing that you were gonna. I think you've nailed it, Seth.

But that is also the internal logic of it. is that as well, because you are pitching it to Lorne and he's super bummed out.

I do think the idea that no one wants it does make it funnier to us, definitely.

And now, eventually, of course, we are gonna reach a place, not yet, but maybe after this one, there is gonna be the recognition moment for laser cats. That moment has yet to come.

Yes, correct.

There's a little bit at the top of this one. Yeah. You can hear it, a tiny bit.

You know what, you're right, Keith, I take it back. There was more than I thought there would be.

But I also think it's because we did a good job of restating the premise and educating the audience that there had been a first one, because we assumed they didn't know that.

Yeah, it is a very nice education.

It's a serialized narrative. It demands more episodes. Yeah.

Oh, that's interesting. Yeah. So you actually think you moved the football a little bit forward, plot-wise with this one? Definitely. Oh, for sure.

We've introduced some big ideas, like the idea that some people might want to make laser cats back into regular cats.

Oh yeah, I guess we hadn't established that.

Also, Admiral Spaceship's into a new phase. He's in his The Rock and walking tall, not using guns phase.

Yeah, there's a lot of growth.

Not for long.

Yeah, there's character development there.

There's character development. There's character regression.

Yep.

I do want to say that we start with Lorna's office. We start with Bill and Andy explaining that the first laser cats was not what Lorna had wanted, because, of course, that ended with Lorna saying he thought it was bad. And you guys lay out that cats that shoot lasers out of their mouth is childish. and you have made something for adults. and you go to maybe one of my favorite, Andy Wells, which is saying that you are now doing something about politics.

That's right. And what do adults love? Politics.

Yeah, so we went out and shot an entirely new film.

that is just ripped from today's headlines.

I think you're going to be really impressed.

Okay.

Because of the war in Iraq, eventually there was a nuclear war. And because of all the radiation, cats developed the ability to shoot lasers.

out of their mouths.

Some will use the cats for good, others for evil. Who will win in a world of laser cats?

Specifically at SNL, we're talking about politics somehow makes everyone seem like God's gift. Okay. Congratulations. You read the boring part of the newspaper.

I feel personally attacked. You don't read whatever section has laser cats in it.

The funniest. Last time I checked, I tuned into the show to laugh.

This is what Seth has leaned into on the other half of his post, SNL.

Yeah, but he's funny at it.

Okay.

Anyway, the best is that you go, this is now about politics, immediately, laser cat opening. This is, again, credit to you guys. Never overstay your welcome. Because my memory was, it was a long scroll about politics, but it was pretty immediately, like, because of the war in Iraq, it immediately goes to laser cats. And I think there's an appreciative response from the audience, because they were maybe ahead of the joke as well.

Also, we didn't know if we had actually tried to write about anything political, we would have ran out of steam pretty quick.

It was nice that you guys were at least aware that there was a current war in Iraq. Right away, wonderful performances by Fred and Amy. They're on the news announcing that they have developed the serum. Is that the best way to describe it? Yeah.

It can reverse the radiation process.

An antidote, maybe even like-.

It's healing the cats. Well, that's it.

We finally found the cure that turns laser cats into regular cats. Now the world can live in peace.

I'll be taking that.

Dr. Scientist!

Fred falls down and Amy does a very good early laser cats move. She falls slowly because she wants to make sure she sets her glass on the table.

Yeah, she doesn't want to break that beaker. We clearly told them this stuff was very expensive. It belongs to my uncle. He lent it to us for the day. Do not break anything.

Yeah, and she lets you know with her face that she is very aware of everything that has been screamed at her before the take.

Yes, there's a world of backstory.

There's a world of backstory. Now we see Admiral Spaceship and Nitro. They're playing some ping pong game.

Space ping pong?

Space ping pong, because you guys are just swinging ping pong paddles and then later you're animating in a ball.

It's weird to say that it was digitally added, but I think even if it's the worst digital ad, you still have to say that it was digitally added.

Yeah, it wasn't a ball on a stick or anything, no.

I'm going to tell you, it's probably just like a period, like you type into your keyboard.

It's not even probably. It definitely is.

It's just this circle. That's how we made a circle.

There's no way that we spent the time in Photoshop to make that.

To make a circle. That's how we'd make a circle, is by typing in a period.

And then just changing the font to red?

Yeah, and just blowing it up big.

Great. So then there's this other thing that's very frustrating to me, which is sometimes the people in the backgrounds of Laser Cats have a little bit of costume, but other people have no costume at all.

Oh, this is frustrating to you.

This is so frustrating to me, because there's basically someone sitting at a desk, no thoughts been put into their look. And then someone walks by with like a bucket on their head.

Yeah, like a tinfoil hat, yeah.

Well, not to jump ahead, but later at the elevator, the elevator lobby, or whatever you call it, there's like eight people that walk in, look right down the lens, like, oh shit, are they filming in here? And we left them all in and just shot them with lasers.

Yeah, it's just a bunch of crew guys, like annoyed.

Yeah, they didn't seem super affected by the lasers.

And one guy walks in, sees, you're shooting and walks out, and you guys actually very nicely time him getting shot with a laser. So it almost looks like that's what causes him to. Yeah.

The logic is flawless.

That's also why these were our favorite to shoot, because there's no location scouting. There's no looking around. There's no even just being annoying and shutting down anything. We would just go do it.

And we would just wait for an elevator, get on it and shoot it.

And you would use hallways that no one used.

Some of them. No, we used just the main hallways.

Yeah. What hallway did you get trapped in? Was that just the-?

No, that's the trash one, because it has those fire doors that will shut automatically.

On 17th. Yeah.

Yeah, the elevators.

That's the secret path to the bathroom faster.

Yeah, that's what I thought it was, yeah.

But we use that because it had those automatic doors that would shut. Remember, whenever there's like a fire drill, they would shut on their own?

Yeah.

So those are like space doors, essentially to us.

I feel like we didn't use it, but then at one point, during shooting, those freight elevators opened.

Oh, I'm sure. Absolutely.

Those guys were psyched to see you. I think we maybe missed, this is the plot point, which is we flip over a whiteboard and there's a bunch of laser-cut weapons. Is this Aliens? What's a movie where they're just like gearing up? I mean, it feels like it may be a reaction movie.

but I don't know if we had a specific reference.

Yeah, the copy machine, hand scanner, I thought was a nice new touch.

Yeah.

Yeah. I love that.

The sound design paired with the wrong images.

That was kind of how we would write them, is we would literally come up with a series of bits.

I'm just gonna keep talking. I'm gonna assume you guys will split it up later.

Oh, yeah. But that is, I'll take that. Oh, okay, yeah. But that is how we would write them.

So, are you on a delay or do you just not listen? Can I just say this part?

So that is how we would write them, though, is that we would kind of brainstorm a series of like 20 to 30 bits of like how we would want to do it and be like, okay, how can we jerry-rig these into a story?

You could almost say we did it exactly like George Lucas and Steven Spielberg, where we'd think of the set pieces first, almost exactly like those two guys.

Exactly.

Yeah, well, there's so little plot that that's amazingly easy to believe that was the case.

It's airtight. Thank you, Seth.

But again, we have our first plot moment. You flip it over and Bill is gearing up with his laser cats and he goes to hand one to Andy. And then he says, oh right, I forgot, you don't use laser cats anymore.

He's a pacifist now.

He's a pacifist now. We've done none of the legwork getting to this moment. This is all we've said about it. We will not hear another word about it until later.

Just rewarding the viewer for knowing the tropes.

It's a nice trope.

We don't need to do the boring part. Right.

And you guys get locked in a hallway and we see, was it, Dr. Scientist?

I think his name changes, doesn't it?

Yeah, we might say it different throughout.

I do believe I say it plural at one point.

Doctors, scientists, like attorneys general?

Doctors, scientists.

Doctors, scientists, Jake Gyllenhaal, enjoying himself a great deal. Should be noted.

Having a gap.

He's an evil genius. What the?

We're trapped.

Welcome, Nitro and Admiral Spaceship. Careful with those laser kits.

The walls are coated with mirror. Screw that. No!

Jillyfish, that's when us calling him. Jillyfish took off.

Oh yeah, that's when that took off. Yeah. In our office.

But you sort of saw something in him that you realized at that point. Jillyfish would be a good nickname?

Oh yeah, he is in my phone as Jillyfish.

Great. He's Jillyfishing a lot in this.

PS, no way that the number is correct anymore. That's the number he gave me that week.

This is a very interesting thing, Andy. How many people, numbers you get at SNL, where you realize it's just fucking pointless to think that's their number anymore?

There's no way. The week Anne Hathaway hosted, she gave me her number because we were talking about logistics of the digital short. She was like, just let me know what we're doing. And then I realized this year, I reached in my pocket and pulled my phone out and it had been FaceTiming her. Like butt dial, FaceTiming her for like 45 minutes.

He got so nervous.

I was like, oh shit. And then I was like, it's not her number. That was like 10, 12 years ago.

I feel like the four of us have had the same number since we've met. And it's because none of us have been single for very long since we met. I feel like the people that have changed their numbers is because they're ghosting people.

Oh, that's interesting.

I actually have a different number than when we first met. But not by choice. I remember I had a 212 cell, which was like unheard of.

But you were single when we met. I had to ditch that one once he got married.

You guys are in the hallway. Lasers are banging around because there's mirrors on the wall and you're dodging. And it's the fun because you're dodging. And we know, as a viewer, that you've put in the lasers bouncing off the walls in post. So you guys are just, you know, jerking and jerking like a couple of dummies.

Lauren was good in laser cats. He really sold it. It almost seemed like he actually hated us.

Almost.

Hey, Keeve, give us a little, like use the words you would use to direct Lauren right now.

I mean, he would always understand it perfectly. And every time we'd write him into something, we'd be very apologetic, but then he'd always be very game to do it. Maybe surprising me that he's always a little more so like willing to be on camera than I anticipate. Is that fair to say?

Yeah.

But Keeve would always direct these with a bullhorn. So he'd be screaming at Lauren, just going, less, give me less.

I would get Signorelli's bullhorn and just yell. I wish that I had a funny answer to that, but in truth, he would just do a good job and know his role.

I think that is one of the real credit to Lauren, which is he, even the audience thinks he didn't want to be in it. Right. And yet I do think he likes to be in it, but that is that really good performer thing, which is he never looks needy.

Yes. And he doesn't want us to think it either, because he's too cool for it. But then he always is like, yeah, where do you want me?

But it's also easy to not seem needy when you don't need to do it.

Yeah.

I think that's part of why it's fun for him also is because he knows he doesn't need to. It's just, is he in the mood or not?

Yeah. He liked to wear his own clothes. I think that's the key to having Lauren in a sketch.

Like Sandler.

Yeah. Yeah.

Just prefers to dress as himself.

He likes to wear his own stuff.

And maybe that was my problem. I shouldn't know.

I have a quick Sandler story before we get back to this that you guys will all enjoy. Let's do it. I went back to my hometown, same hometown as Sandler, and did a show. After the show, I'm talking to my friends and they were saying, oh my God, Sandler was just in town a couple of days ago playing basketball at the high school. Everybody was losing their minds.

That is a sweet burn.

The best. The dream.

He knows what you want.

Oh, my God.

I will tell you this, that I was in my childhood bed in New Hampshire, where I remember watching Sandler's first time, when he did stand up on David Letterman. And I knew that he was a kid from the area, or he'd grown up in the area. It was so deeply surreal to be in that same room texting with him over 30 years later and realizing he's even better than I could have hoped he was that night. Yeah.

And then let me ask you a follow-up.

Yeah.

So you're in your childhood bed.

I know exactly, oh my God, there's no way.

Oh God, I know where this is going to. I'm already bummed out.

We all don't know where this is going.

You don't know what I'm gonna say. Yeah, go ahead, go for it. Did you jerk it?

Oh.

You knew what I was gonna ask.

It is that you knew what I was gonna ask.

Yeah.

Answer him.

Yeah, did you though?

Yeah, answer the question, Seth. Are we doing a podcast or not?

So yeah, you get the text and you're like,

oh God, comedy legend. No, I mean, it wouldn't be to the text.

Oh, it's to the old posters on the wall.

Yeah, like an Elle Macpherson.

Kathy, Ireland and yeah.

Exactly.

Christie Brinkley and stuff.

Of the era. Yeah. Support comes from Shopify. Hey, Yoram.

Hey, Seth.

What is the easiest choice you make every day?

Ah, brushing my toes.

Brushing your toes. Every morning you wake up and every night you brush them at. well, because you never know what food you're gonna get in your toes at night. But really the easiest choice you can make is selling with Shopify. Shopify is the global commerce platform that helps you sell at every stage of your business.

Both personal and professional. That's a painful subject, Seth. You know how short I am.

All right, but the thing is on a e-commerce level. Oh, e-commerce. You would continue to grow.

Yes.

Thanks to Shopify, you would continue to grow. And you know, here's what I love about Shopify. You and I, Yoram, we're good at a lot of things, but we don't know how to make a business grow. We don't even have the first idea. Shopify has the tools.

I'm actually very handy, Seth. Not a lot of people know that.

Shopify powers 10% of all e-commerce in the US and Shopify is the global force behind Allbirds, Rothy's, and Brooklyn, and millions of other entrepreneurs of every size across 175 countries. Sign up for a $1, $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash lonelyisland, all lowercase. Go to shopify.com slash lonelyisland now to grow your business, no matter what stage you're in. Shopify.com slash lonelyisland. Say it, Yoram.

How dare you? Isn't it?

No, it's for other things. Maybe you just want to walk around town. You want something comfortable. as you go out to get your, can I say something, Yoram? I feel like you might be a matcha latte guy.

Ooh, nail on the head there, yeah.

So that's the thing. They're very flexible. They're very versatile. They're not just for one thing. You can meet pants, you'll never want to take off.

You know me and my matcha lattes and where the shorts-.

Where you like your shorts to hit your knee. Viorey is an investment in your happiness. For our listeners, they're offering 20% off your first purchase. Get yourself some of the most comfortable and versatile clothing on the planet at viorey.com slash island. That's V-U-O-R-I.com slash island.

Viorey.

So good.

Can I ask a plot hole question that I hate to be the one to bring it up, because I feel like somebody else is now going to throw it back in our face. Okay.

Laser Cats doesn't have plot holes.

They're in this mirrored rooms where you can't use lasers because they'll ricochet everywhere.

But then he just shoots the door.

Yeah, then it goes to the lower and watching. And when it comes back, he just shoots the door.

That's my favorite part in the whole thing.

Yeah, I loved it. And the door just blasts open. It's like, good one.

Yeah, it's the best part. Found the weak spot.

I almost feel like Laser Cats is built from the plot holes of other sketches. It is.

For sure.

We intentionally were doing plot holes as jokes. That is one of them. And then when Bill's clearly dying and then at the end just jumps up and is like, that was too close. It's like, oh, he's totally fine.

Another great visual gag. Before we get to the ending, when Bill says, I need to reload. And then it's the really fun switch back and forth from stuffed cats to real cats. And just somebody sets a cat in front of a dish cat food.

Yeah, you can hear him like, kitty, kitty, get the little kitty. Like a little name. Go, doggie, doggo, or something. There's that shot earlier too, where it cuts to them and they're just standing still. And then the scene kicks in, where it's like a mis-edit.

Yeah, a lot of that.

It's very Garth Marenghi there.

Very Garth Marenghi. And if you haven't seen that, guys, go check that out, Garth Marenghi's Dark Place.

We've already said that on the podcast, I think.

I know, but you can't say it enough.

Okay, thanks for phrasing that kind of in a British way. It's very Garth Marenghi that.

I did it on purpose, been watching a lot of Bake Off. Is it called Bake Off or is it called the British Baking Show? No one knows the answer.

In England, it's called Bake Off, but they can't say that because of Betty Crocker, something like that. There's some legal reason why they can't say that.

So now we get to the dramatic conclusion of this laser cats, which ended more abruptly than I had a memory for. Because we know they'll get shot. We know Andy doesn't use laser cats anymore. So this is great screenwriting. You have created a problem.

Never let ourselves off the hook, ever.

Doctor Scientist is walking over. You have your back to him, Andy. He's about to kill you. You're over a dying bill. And he basically says, you know, you're about to die.

That's a good, that's a good line.

And then I cock the laser cat. It makes the sound of a shotgun and then a very clear bullet gun sound. And his blood sprays all over the wall.

It's my favorite switcheroo piece of audio that we ever use. in the laser cats. The ultra violent real gun sound as his brains are blown out of the wall.

And then another detail that I really like is, as soon as that happens, like maybe just frames later, Keeve pipes in the wackest dink doink music.

That is so bad. Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink.

Just immediately in the wrap up music.

Did you make that, Yoram? It's so wack, I can't believe we found it.

I have to listen to it again, but I made a lot of stuff on the program Reason. And I made it very fast.

It's really funny if you did.

It's like being at the worst version of the Star Wars Cantina.

But it's also the timing of the cue, like the climactic moment, which is again, yes, unearned, Seth. But then like blood, wow, that was too close.

Yeah, we were in the wrap up now.

Not wasting people's time.

I also want to say about the blood hitting the wall, because again, there's never been any gore in laser cats. It's basically like Pong lasers hit people and they just sort of fall to the ground. It's nowhere near enough blood. It's just a little tiny ketchup splat. The idea is you've basically blown his brains out with a shotgun.

Well, to be fair, none of us have ever done that. So we don't really know, but yeah.

So does stunts come in for that, though?

Probably. I was always shocked at how many times we would have to like be waiting for something. Maybe not on the second one, though. I think that we did a lot of this stuff ourselves.

I think we just squirted something on the wall.

Yeah. You'd think so.

But you didn't want to make a mess because we were cleaning it.

And Andy, yes, that was my music. I would basically make a whole folder full of bullshit beats. And then we would just drop them in randomly. And I'm sure that's how that happened. He just dropped in the first one.

If I had a critique of laser cats two, the outro bookend with Lauren is pretty soft.

Yeah. And slow. It feels pretty familiar to the first one. Yeah.

It's kind of junky.

Also, after seeing, now that we've seen seven of these, it feels very obvious.

Yeah.

But even then, it doesn't get a huge laugh.

It peters out. And it peters out in a way where I remember watching and being like, well, they're certainly not going to do a third after that ending.

Joke's on you.

I think we've seen the last of laser cats, everyone.

You fucking wish, Seth. That's why we waited a year every time. So you'd forget.

And I would never forget.

It's got a nice Google Maps bit in there.

Oh yeah, you do have a nice Google Maps. With the spaceship. Oh, also, what was the sort of spaceship you drive out of the elevator?

That, we were so psyched because Horatio Sanz had left a jazzy scooter meant for older people that I believe Ozzy Osbourne gave to him. Yeah. So it was like sort of a tricked out jazzy scooter that had, like some Ozzy cool guy imagery on like a little basket. And we were like, yeah, let's just make that into a spaceship. And we got a bunch of cardboard that was lying around, and we did that all ourselves.

You can't even tell, it looks professional.

I immediately saw it and I was like, I bet I know what that is. And this says so much about what the 17th floor of that building used to be, which is. Ozzy Osbourne sent a gift jazzy. The person he sent it to left, didn't take it. And it just was in the hallway for years after.

Did Ozzy Osbourne on? the Osbournes have a broken leg?

Yeah, I think Ozzy Osbourne had a broken leg. And so there was like a season of that show that had a lot of jazzy's in it. I asked you when we got on, because this is the fun. There was a whole show built around laser. You couldn't just air Laser Cats 2 at 1130 on a Saturday night.

What, to buffer it?

It would be madness.

Which we always objected to. We were like, just air it and then air 80 minutes of black screen.

Jake Gyllenhaal and the Shins, first of all, that's a pretty solid show. Yeah. And my question to you is this, there was a sketch written by the three of you. Andy, your name is first. Then Keev, then Jorma, called Meatballs.

Wait, I'm looking at the rundown now. I opened it up before you speak. It says Sandberg-Armisen. The Sandberg-Shaffer-Deconey is part of Laser Cats 2, I think.

Oh, you're right. Sorry, I take it back, I take it back. So now it's a question for you, Andy. Meatballs, Sandberg-Armisen.

I wanna say. Jake Gyllenhaal is at a restaurant on a date. This is just what I'm guessing. And he orders meatballs and spaghetti, and then it cuts into the plate, and me and Fred are the meatballs?

Yeah, oh, I do remember this.

Oh, wow, look at that. It really is cool. Those are the coolest meatballs I've ever seen. I know, they're wearing sunglasses, that is so cool.

Uh-oh, it looks like your meatballs are smoking.

Oh, yeah. No, I mean they're actually smoking.

Ooh, I didn't even think you could smoke in this restaurant.

Oh, man, these meatballs don't care, they're so rebellious. I know, I don't even know if I wanna eat them or ask them to make me a mixtape.

Again, brevity is our friend.

Brevity is your friend, you did not overstay your welcome. Basically, to explain the sketch, Jake and Kristen go to a restaurant. They're very disappointed when their pasta comes. They just thought it would be cooler.

Yeah, that's something people say about their food.

Yeah, they got spaghetti meatballs, and it's just a little normal, and they thought it'd be cooler. So then Bill, the waiter, says, oh, look a little closer, it's pretty cool. And then we cut, and the meatballs are Fred and Andy in sunglasses as meatballs.

Yeah, basically California raisins, but meatballs.

Yeah, it's very much a California raisin. And you play some cool music, they're pretty psyched, smoke some cigarettes, and then, of course, where I think it's all going is they eat one of the meatballs. Yeah. A fork comes in and grabs Andy, and it's a pretty good moment. Well, this is just getting ridiculous.

Yeah, ridiculously cool. I guess, but what am I supposed to eat? You know, just have one of my meatballs, I have two. Are you sure? Yeah.

Okay, here I go.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! Oh, my gosh! Ah! Ah! Ah!

There was an applause break when you got picked up and taken out.

Yeah, it played really nice.

Yeah. It was very nice.

It was very short.

Yeah, right, like three minutes, 15 seconds.

Yeah, that's killer.

Give it a look, it's not gonna ruin your day, everybody.

It feels like we've been doing this for about three and a half hours, so is it time for Seth's Corner?

Is it? Yeah, go for it, let's get over there. Seth's Corner, you're all invited.

Seth's Corner, it's happening right now. Take it away, Seth.

The great Jim Downey and I wrote a sketch called Bush Address, Cold Open, based on the fact that I probably wrote seven sketches with that title. I have no idea what it is, and I'm not gonna go back. Law and Order Acting Coach, I wrote with Amy Poehler. My memory of that is. she is a very black box theater acting coach, teaching day players on Law and Order how to do their roles.

You're welcome.

Yeah, I knew. Sarah. Excuse me! On Law and Order, we do not start until we hear the bump bump.

Again. Yeah, I knew Sarah.

Not well, our kids were in daycare together. Honey, put that down.

Did she ever talk to you about her ex-husband?

Sure, she mentioned him from time to time. There was some trouble with the childcare payments.

Was she dating anyone else? No, maybe. There was some guy, but I never heard his name.

I really have to get going. Stop!

Scene!

Have you ever watched? Law and Order?

There is only one rule for a three-liner. Never stop moving.

Kenneth, bump, bump me.

Done far better by John Mulaney years later, about how people in the first scene of Law and Order are only in the first scene when they stumble across a body in the leaves in Central Park.

To bring that up to date, for today, I was just asked by a location scout this morning to rent my house out to Law and Order.

Really?

Yeah, and I said, no. I know what happens on those fucking film sets. No, fucking way. Yeah.

I then wrote a sketch, which I don't think you could write today, and maybe you couldn't even write then because we cut it from dress called Are They Crazy? It was a game show where people came out and you had to guess if they were crazy or not, or the job they claimed to have.

Mm-hmm, that's funny.

Wig and Jake are the contestants. She's a mother, too, from San Diego, California, and he is an entrepreneur, also from San Diego, California. Jason, the host of the game show, thinks that's a coincidence. Fred comes out as a sea captain, and they have to ask him questions about his job to see if he's a real sea captain. It doesn't do great.

Yeah, Jake is very trusting in it, I'm guessing.

Yeah, Jason says, what made you say sea captain? He said, well, he liked the sea, and who likes the sea more than a captain? Mm-hmm. Will comes out wearing a football helmet wrapped in tinfoil, walking as if he's in zero gravity. He comes out before he can even say anything.

I was gonna say, so far, I was with it.

Well, maybe you could. I think crazy, just probably maybe saying crazy.

Yeah, the word crazy is a bit of a.

Yeah, I was told that you can't do that anymore.

Kenan comes out in a mismatched suit, holding a very old briefcase that is duct taped shut. He has a shaved patch in his afro that reveals a considerable scar. Mm, mm-hmm. We're now out of Seth's Corner. Can you sing me out?

We're done with Seth's Corner. Thanks so much, Seth.

Do you remember Conjoined Twin, any of you?

Oh, this is a Forte Solomon-Sawyer-Taccone joint. Cut. after dress. Means, you could watch a dress rehearsal version.

Reading. it delights me to no end. Basically, what happens is Jake Gyllenhaal is a substitute teacher. We don't know. he's a substitute teacher at the beginning.

Okay.

This is making it really hard for Jake to teach.

This sounds familiar to me. Was I in that?

Yeah, you were in it. Yeah. Making matters worse, all the kids' names are upsetting to Will. I'm just gonna read through. Thomas, Agatha, oh God, that was her name, Agatha.

Oh, now I remember. Yeah.

Yeah, that's good. And then Bill says it's actually pronounced Deed-Wiff. And I'm present. Then Jake, this is the most forte line. Jake, next is John Deed-Wiff.

That's a real reveal.

Not five to one.

Second wife, yes. Oh, no.

That is good writing. Now you might think that is the craziest twist in this sketch. There's another real forte twist coming up. Will, ooh, Douglas, what, in the name of God, is happening to us? Will's reflecting on the fact that he and his brother shouldn't be fighting.

I'm a big fan of this sketch.

And then they make up and Jake goes, class is over. I want you to all get out of here and tell the world what you've seen today. Pay it forward, pay it backward. Spray your pay everywhere.

Oh, man.

And then Will says, don't be afraid to love. They will die. They always do. And it hurts, but not as much as never. loving hurts.

Penis. The penis.

That is really good writing.

I will say, pay it forward, pay it backward, spray your pay everywhere. is something that really stuck in my head. And I feel like we would say around the office.

Yeah. We?

Because it makes so little sense.

I don't know if you can use the term, we.

Well, we would hear it and other people would say it. It takes two to tango.

Yeah, us having ears, I guess, made us complicit.

Yeah, we didn't tell them, stop it.

Stop saying that. Do you guys want to try to guess the Shins songs? Guess the Shins songs.

No, Seth.

Am I allowed to look up the Shins on Spotify and see what their most popular songs are, and then guess or no? Wasn't there a thing,

they played the song from Garden State, right?

I think that they did.

I think that was part of the deal of them being on, wasn't it? Because that was such a huge deal.

Because it was old. Yes. By the time they came on, right?

But it was a thing of like, hey, everyone loves that song so much. Will you play it anyway?

So it was their second song.

Do you know the name of that song, though?

I do.

You actually knew it, or you are reading it right now?

I am reading it right now. I think I would have got it. New slang.

I wouldn't have said that. I wouldn't have known that. I like the Shins, but I don't know if I like knew their song.

What you don't realize, Jorma, is that they're actually going,

new slang, new slang.

Are they?

No.

Oh my God, that rules.

Really good. I like that. Jorma thought, they won, they did that, and the song worked.

I was like, oh, no wonder I liked it.

That sounds good. And then the first part, new slang, new slang, new slang.

It's a new slang. We're in Garden State. We're singing this song. New slang. So that is crazy.

What was the first song?

The first song was Phantom Limb, which must have been from a new album. Because the album was 2001,, Garden State used it in 2004, and then they did it on our song in 2007.. Our show. What did I say?

Song, same diff.

I do feel like this did show off a lot of moves that Jake Gyllenhaal had, and I saw him in a musical, I saw him in a Sondheim musical on Broadway, and I think I would have been shocked had I not seen him sing so well on our show.

What did he do, the Dreamgirls monologue?

He did Dreamgirls monologue. Yeah. ♪. Not living without you, not living without you ♪.

♪ I don't wanna be free. ♪. ♪ Tear down the mountains, yeah, scream and shout. ♪. ♪ You can say what you want, but I'm not walking out.

♪. Not gonna leave you this way, are we? ♪. I've always had a lot of love for that guy. from this one week we spent together, where I always feel like, oh, I love that guy.

Yeah, that's really true.

It was a fun time.

And it's just one week, 16 years ago.

Yeah, it's really true. I keep thinking I know him better than I do based on this week.

And he came to our Beowulf screening, so I'll always love him for that.

Oh, that's, right.

He was at the Beowulf screening?

I was gonna say, didn't he come to the one at Paramount?

Yeah.

Damn, I was at the one in New York.

Another time we had a Jaeger bomb set up outside the theater.

So funny.

Ah, to be young.

Better times.

Oh, you guys wanna hear a really depressing thing?

Yeah, what?

You guys remember, I had a favorite bar in New York City.

Yeah, yes, Dublin.

Yeah, Dublin's.

Yeah, good times.

We drank at Dublin's a ton. Tons. It was right by me.

Hundreds of times.

Yeah, loved it.

Hundreds of times.

Loved it, every time.

Sort of a dark wood Irish bar.

Yeah, nothing remarkable about it, but just very close and very comfortable.

Perfect place for four people. Perfect place for eight people. Perfect place if there was 20 of us. If people remember back, they served food late. Everything about it was great.

What a good memory.

Here's the depressing part. I get an email, hey, second grade parents, we're having drinks tonight, and it's there.

Oh, but it doesn't exist anymore, right? It's just the same location?

Now it's called Hudson Hound, and I just realized, I'm like, oh man, nothing's gonna say. the fun part of your life is over.

Back to the scene of the crime.

Then walking back through the doors of Dublin's for second grade parent drinks.

Yeah, with all the parents. Ordering a non-alcoholic beer.

Seth, just to go back to your story about walking around the block, the craziest part about that story to me is that I didn't even remember they had outdoor seating.

Yeah, they would have, in the summer, they would have just like three tables.

We didn't live there often where it was good enough weather to be out there, so this must have been a very specific fall or spring activity.

I liked going there so much. It was such a default for me. I just remember laughing so hard at that place and feeling so comfortable there, it was the best. But I also remember my wedding, our friend Neil Brennan gave a toast and said, I know Alexi planned this wedding because if Seth had planned it, we all would have gotten a text an hour ago. that said Dublin's, question mark.

It's a guy who knows you pretty well.

I admire your restraint on doing your Neil impression there. You could have laid it on a lot thicker.

It's true.