Armchair Anonymous: Accidentally Naked

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I am Dan Rather and I'm joined by Mr. Mouse.

Hi.

Hi. Today we have accidentally naked.

Yes.

What a topic for me. I just love it.

It was fun. It was more tame than we anticipated.

Yes, but still exciting. Yeah. Yeah. I live to see public nudity. When I happen to bump into some public nudity, I feel so blessed.

It depends.

Go ahead.

Well, I know you don't like it when it's like people on the street. And I don't either. I'm going to meet you there. Right. I don't.

Right. Right. Right. But if you see it at the beach or something. Sure.

Yeah. If you're at the dance floor and something accidentally falls off, it feels exciting.

Like if Rob stood up and his whole outfit somehow came off, I mean, what a blessing that would be.

Yeah. I wouldn't like it for Rob. I would feel vicarious.

I would hate it for Rob. I'd feel very bad for him if he was embarrassed. But if he felt great and proud, then I would be really happy for Rob.

Do the salt burn dance around the attic.

That's a great dance, by the way. I wonder how many times they shot that. It was a long, steady shot. Yeah, it was. Okay.

Yep.

But otherwise, if you like nudity, this is the one for you. Please enjoy Accidentally Naked.

Okay, great.

Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing. It's so gloomy out. Uh-oh. Sad. It's hittin'.

Okay, you can't control the weather.

I'm gonna shine a light in your window. Good morning!

How are you? Good, how are you guys? Sorry, I had some technical difficulties there.

That's very normal. Almost everyone has them.

Well, I forgot to unmute, so it's my technical difficulty.

Yeah. What exciting red hair you have.

Thank you very much.

Would we call it red? Well, yeah, it's red.

You can ask me if it's natural, and my response to that is usually, it said, natural, red on the box.

Okay, right.

Also, what kind of question is that?

Is it natural?

Yeah. Unless you're gonna be comedian and say, does the carpet match the drapes? There's some comedic value in that. That's old. Okay.

I think that's a retired one.

It's not, though. I get it all the time. Oh, you do? Yeah, all the time.

Okay, okay, okay. Well, I'm gonna tread lightly because this is a sensitive topic. Oh, sure. Yeah, and I don't want to start anyone with their guard up. But, Jennifer, where are you in the country?

I am in Dayton, Ohio.

Oh, sure, right off I-75.. You got some famous folks from Dayton, right? Chappelle?

Yep, Chappelle. We claim that we're the birthplace of aviation, but there's other places that claim that as well.

Well, because the Wright brothers were from Dayton, Ohio?

Yep, that counts.

I think their bicycle shop was in Ohio, wasn't it, originally?

Yeah, been there many times. My friends also go to Cedar Point quite often.

Sandusky in the house. You go up to Detroit? That's not far.

Yeah, my best friend lives in Ann Arbor, so up there a lot.

Okay, is your best friend a professor?

No, she's a massage therapist, actually.

Okay.

What a fun best friend. I wish my best friend was a massage therapist.

But do you get any free massages?

Oh, yeah. Oh.

Is it a labor exchange? Do you provide her any services?

Yes, I bake.

Oh, what a great friendship. Good duo.

Cookies for massage.

Okay, alas, this is an episode about being nude on accident, which I can't imagine. there's a boring story that leads up to that moment of nudity in public.

No. So this happened back in 2005.. I worked for a very large internet service provider at the time. I'm not going to name names.

AOL.

No. No. But actually, I was pretty new to the company. I had worked very hard to impress everyone. I landed a really large account, had supported that account really, really well.

Yes!

This was something that we could not have otherwise been able to afford. It was the first time my husband, who hails from Canada, had been on a beach at all.

Oh, my gosh.

We decided right then, and there, let's make the most of this trip. Drinking by the pool, nice dinners, massages, all of that good stuff. And we had trekked to a different beach one day and we noticed a sign to rent wave runners. This is going to sound strange, but neither one of us had ever done that before.

Best idea is to start out right in the ocean.

Yes, exactly.

Not in a lake. Let's get you in the ocean on one of these 300 horsepower death rockets.

But again, once in a lifetime, we're going to live it up. So we decided let's go for it. We half listened to the instructions that were given to us. We headed out. Hubby was not being remotely careful.

Well, you said he's Canadian.

Yeah, so there's that.

Had he done some snowmobiling? He's like, oh, I know this. This is snowmobiling on the water.

That's exactly what he said. He said, trust me, I've done this on a snowmobile.

Same throttle, thumb throttle. He knows what he's doing.

First time on the beach and he's like, I got this.

I know exactly what to do.

So I am looking to the shore. I'm waving at people. There's a group of people that have assembled, kind of watching us out there and out of nowhere, we hit the big wave. Oh, yeah. I was not holding on very tightly to the hubby.

Yeah, they're not the easiest vessel to reboard.

Well, especially when neither one of us realized to turn the vessel off to reboard. He manages to kind of keep it still, but the problem is, as I'm trying to reboard, the jets are pushing me further and further away. So I'd get a little close, get pushed back. Get a little close,

get pushed back.

I have a good sense of what's going to happen next.

I'm panicked. I look, and thankfully, the company we rented from had actually sent a lifeguard out on his own wave runner to come get me. Great. I'm anxiously awaiting. He hands me a rope to tow me in.

Well, real quick, Jennifer, he's going to drag you all the way back to shore? He's not going to try to get you on one of the skis?

No. I was so exhausted at that point from the fight of my life to get on the other one.

Oh.

And I mean, they were rooting for me to get back on that thing. They were cheering. They were so excited that I was rescued. So we're talking the CEO of the company, and this is a large internet company, right? The CEO, the CFO, all the big shots.

Okay, okay.

Just topless.

Okay. So there's that.

But my double D's were on full display. Oh, God.

Oh, those lucky observers.

The excited clapping turned to.

complete and utter shock.

And all I could do was just hurry up, put the swimsuit back on. I literally booked it back to our room. I mean, it was probably a good mile away. I just ran.

You just deserted your husband. And then, we'll regroup in the room.

Oh, I did. You know, again, I'm thinking, oh, no big deal. These people don't know who I am. Again, bright red hair. I'm pretty recognizable.

Oh, yeah. He's so happy.

And I tried to say something to him and thank him. He didn't speak English. So it was just, you know, smiling and nodding. I got back to the room. I talked it up to, okay, they're not going to know who I am.

You provided a great service for the company. We all have something to talk about now. We hope something eventful will happen at these retreats, and you have given us that.

I even received a room credit from the CFO with a nice little card saying, thanks for the show. Oh!

Okay.

Oh, boy. And what year was this again?

2005.

Yeah, this wouldn't happen. now. Everyone would have to pretend like they didn't see.

They didn't see. Yeah, yeah.

It shouldn't have happened then, really.

Exactly. It should never have happened.

So,

I actually am still at this company today. Oh, wow.

Congrats to them.

So, I always wonder, did I get promoted and remain because of that incident? I mean, literally, every time I've gone to headquarters, they all still know me.

Oh, boy.

Come say hi. So, I don't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing. It was certainly mortifying for me, but I guess it worked out.

I was going to ask, has it become legend at these retreats? Like, people will go like, oh, this one time in 2005, this gal ended up nude, being drug in from the sea.

Literally, there have been toasts to the effect of, now keep your top on, Jen.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Enough.

Enough, guys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Enough, guys. That's unfortunate.

I actually think the funniest part is that you would get close and then get pushed out. Visually, that's hilarious.

Yeah, it's a set piece in a comedy.

It reminded me a lot of the recent treadmill story, right? Yes, that's exactly.

what I'm thinking about.

The spin cycle. On the march back to your room, were you like, this fucking Canuck? husband of mine had no business. He doesn't know.

what he's doing.

Why didn't he tell me to pull my bathing suit off?

What the hell? Did he get the brunt of all that?

Very much so. I think there was probably a 24-hour period of no talking on this lovely vacation.

To be expected.

I think he knew immediately just the fact that he couldn't get me back on that thing, that he was already in trouble for that. Yeah,

a little different on Snowmobile. You just stand up and then you swing your leg right over it.

It's different.

And there's no loss of clothing.

No.

Well, at least hopefully not.

If you've lost your snowmobile suit, you've been in an accident that's going to have you in the ER. Knock on wood. Okay, knock on wood, snowmobile suit. Jennifer, what a great story. Yeah, thank you.

I gotta say this, and Monica, you'll appreciate this, Dax, you are my Matt Damon.

Oh, Jennifer, come on.

I'm trying so hard.

to keep it cool, but this is so amazing for me. I had no idea.

Yeah, you're playing it very cool.

Yeah. Cool girls know how to be cool.

I try to be cool, but yeah, I have been such a fan for so long. I literally fell in love with you during Parenthood.

Oh, thank you.

Just, wow. This is amazing. And Monica, I love you to death.

Oh, thank you.

Well, we loved getting to meet you. As my neighbor to the south in Ohio, go Buckeyes, happy to get to talk to you.

We have the same breast size, so that's fun for us.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Congrats, ladies.

And just one more thing, my husband and I have been married for 25 years. He is an addict and you and Kristen have really been a support system for us. We're hanging in there, keeping it going, taking it a day at a time, and I owe a lot of that to you and you guys, being so open and honest with your struggles.

Oh, thank you. That makes me really happy. All right, well, Jennifer, great meeting you and thanks for that wonderful story.

Of course, guys. Have a good rest of the day.

Okay.

Take care.

Hi. Hello, Jill. Oh, look at this fort you made.

Yeah, what a great fort. Thank you.

I tried really hard for Monica.

This is gorgeous. I was very stressed.

about the fort. Then I cleaned the rest of my house, just in case you wanted to, I don't know, take a look around.

Let's go on a tour. Now, based on the structure of this fort, it does look like you could have employed the help of some six or seven-year-olds. Yeah. It definitely screams child fort.

It really does. It's beautiful.

We'll go with that. Let's bring children into it instead of me just making this super janky fort.

I really like it. I like that. you've pulled the two bar back chairs up to get a little high. I was really hoping.

you would notice that. Yeah. No, it's great.

It's really good.

Bar back chairs, yes.

Is that what we call them, Monica? Help me out.

Bar stools?

Well, bar stools don't have a back, though. Oh. Right. They're stools.

Okay. Yeah, bar back.

But then, if it was bar back, wouldn't it go behind the bar?

Well, a bar back. is someone helping the bartender. Exactly. So. that is confusing.

I think it's bar stools with a back.

Bar stool sports. Jill, where are you in the country? I got you guys.

into an argument. You think that's?

an argument? Elsa, you shouldn't feel that proud of yourself. All you gotta do is open a window and let a breeze blow through. So easy. Where are you, though?

Right now, I am in Alameda, California.

Where is Alameda? North? Is that a place?

you don't know?

You're offended, yeah. I'm so excited.

No, I'm happy.

Okay.

So it is right across the bridge to the Bay Area. And it's right next to Oakland. It's an island. Oh, no shit.

The bridge stops. There's an exit. Are you commuting by ferry?

You can do ferry, a bus, or cars. But yeah, there is definitely a bridge across that you have to take. And if the zombie apocalypse comes, they're gonna just put the bridges up and no one can get in. Wow.

You're well suited for that. Thank you. Okay, so, Jill, not to thin slice and put you into a box, but at first glance, I don't assume you've been accidentally naked in public. Oh, that's so sweet. Yeah, I think it is.

I look like a mom who would have a kid. that would make an effort. Yes, absolutely. No, I have 1,000% been naked in a very, very public place.

Oh, please. We can't wait to hear.

Please tell us.

Let me set the scene. So it's 1990..

Perfect.

Yes, so pre-cell phone. So let's all just like, whew, on that one.

Oh my gosh. How does one end up in Bali in 1990?. You're young.

I was really young. I was 21 and I was working for a club med type of place. It's called Pacific Islands Club in Saipan, in the Marianas Islands. And I was in their kind of club mate. It sounds like playmate.

This seems like a dream job for a 21-year-old. Yeah, it sounds perfect.

it was an amazing, amazing job. I learned how to drink on Saipan. It was great. I also started traveling. I wanted to be a really cool world traveler.

Yes, one time in 1997..

So you know about Ubud.

Perhaps. What is Ubud? Great.

Thank you for asking.

So Ubud is.

the Monkey Forest. So it's called the Monkey Forest or the Monkey Temple. So it's a huge tourist place with over 600 monkeys just kind of roaming around. They're really tame. You know, you can feed them if you want.

I'm mad, I didn't go there. I wish I had.

You still have a chance and maybe after this story you may not feel like it. I go to the entrance and there's all these tourists, of course, and then local people selling things, and there's a beautiful little girl that comes up to me. She looks to be like four or five, and she hands me this necklace and I'm like great. And so it's got beads or beans or seeds or something on it. and so I put it around my neck and I give her some money, and she's happy.

at my body.

and I'm like oh that's cute.

I'm a world traveler. this is fine and he picks up the necklace and he starts kind of eating it like you would like a little candy necklace like from like elementary school. I'm kind of trying not to freak out and be this cool world traveler and the other monkeys kind of notice that he's eating. it's okay, Monica.

this is stressing me out.

you're having visions of being swarmed by wild monkeys and torn to bits.

yeah, it's gonna get worse. so the monkeys kind of notice that he's eating. they come over and I'm like, okay, I'm okay, I'm okay, and he's just still kind of chill, maybe a little hissing at the monkeys that are now starting to gather at my feet, and he decides that he's like bored with this action, I think. and so he just yanks the necklace really hard and the beans or the seeds just spreads everywhere to all the monkeys. and it's at this point I realize, oh my god, I'm wearing monkey food around my neck right.

what's the boyfriend doing? does he shell shocked? doesn't know what to do. at this point, he's kind of.

like giggling like, oh wow, look at these monkeys. he seems chill because they're not on him. the one monkey had gotten off and I'm like, okay, everything's fine, they're gonna eat these seeds and go away. and they do kind of do that until I'm standing there and I'm like I feel really hot, I feel itchy. what is happening?

they were all on the monkey.

and they fell into your shirt.

they were on the monkey and then they went into me. so then I'm, like you know, freaking out and I'm starting to slap myself, but that's not working, because the ants are marching downward.

oh, they want to get south.

so I'm in the middle of the monkey forest with all of these tourists and people and monkeys, and I'm ripping my clothes off. so first comes the t-shirt it's really hot there second the bra.

oh, bra's off. at this point I'm not thinking you're in survival mode. I would imagine many of the listeners have not been attacked by fire, ants myself included. what's a good comp for? how much that hurts?

a bee sting they bite, so it's like a thousand little hot poking needles.

just stinging.

you.

and it causes, like welts and rushes. so I'm just completely freaking out. I'm hitting myself, I'm half naked at this point, but again these fire ants are very committed and they're making their way south. so I, literally without thinking, just pull off the shorts and the underwear.

wow, now you're in a National Geographic shoot. you weren't worried?

that the ants were gonna

get in your vagina.

now you're more exposed. they could crawl up in you.

I was concerned about all of it, but what I was feeling at the time was I saw them on the top of my clothes, but I felt them underneath and I knew that I needed to brush them or hit them or kill them. to get them off of me, you needed.

to be able to get every one of them off you, and so you needed access to your whole body. I understand the instinct.

thank you, I really appreciate that. so now I'm standing naked in the forest in the middle of Monkey Temple in my tennis shoes. I'm getting most of them off. so the ex boyfriend Monica, not a meet cute ex.

okay.

this is an end cute.

he's laughing.

oh my god.

hilariously like. he cannot stop laughing. I'm standing naked and he's laughing and he's not running for water, he's not slapping me or the things off.

he's starting to take his pants off. he should have.

in solidarity, I know right, and everyone around is just in shock because I just look like I'm having this episode.

yeah, you look like a nudist, but like a crazy aggressive one, where it's like I gotta get out of these clothes right now. you know you would think.

that it can't get any worse in this moment and it can, uh oh, the biggest monkey during this whole scenario. let's call him the dominant monkey, let's call him, you know, Zeus. he's of course reacting, kind of having this moment of looking around because all the monkeys are really into what's happening as well, like it just seems very exciting. this person is not doing what people normally do in the monkey temple, so he looks and he literally locks eyes with me across the monkey temple, and then he kind of gets up and then I see the biggest monkey erection.

he's immediately horny.

yes, and I literally again can't think of anything to do except just go.

no, no, no.

no, thank you, no, no, no, no.

no, monkey, no.

oh my god, this is so scary.

so finally.

the boyfriend kind of snaps to because I'm moving around him and he's assessing like oh no, this is not a good thing. and so he actually starts making big, loud primate noises and big body, and then the main monkey just kind of loses interest and then went over to another female monkey, but he was halfway to me fuck.

yeah,

whoa.

it almost turned into dolphin asparagus.

I know and I'm never going here. well,

you could prepare better. no, because no one's there, don't put food around your neck, let's start there.

that little girl. she was a devil in disguise.

a cute devil.

I bet it was that baby. no, that baby would never do that. this girl was trying to kill you.

she might have assumed you knew that was food to give them and not to put around your neck. next year she put it on her neck.

I'm gonna go with both of you at this point. I have thought about that since, and I feel like she was kind of like. oh well.

she's putting it.

around her neck. that's cool.

no, she wanted chaos.

she was a devil baby.

she was a harbinger of evil.

to this day. I can't even watch monkeys on TV like I have monkey PTSD, like I sweat at the zoo.

now the ants. you were able to get them all off of you, yeah, and then you were able to get your clothes back on pretty quickly. did you continue on with the tour of the temple or were you like fuck this I'm out of here.

yeah, it was a real fuck this situation. yes,

yeah, that makes sense. it's hard to rally after that. the alpha male has already got his eyes on you. you kind of want to get out of here.

get away.

do you know how many Christmases around the world families have regaled their family members with this incredible time they went to this temple and what they observed like the gift you gave these people? I don't know if I've ever seen anything as spectacular as that.

yeah, and then also preparing for this I was thinking about because I was working at Pacific Islands Club. I was teaching aerobics.

yeah, you look great.

my 21 year old self, long blonde hair, like the whole works.

it's no wonder this Zeus got aroused. no, it's still predatorial.

doesn't matter what anyone looks like.

no means no Zeus, yeah.

even though you were.

saying no, thank you.

no, please.

I was being polite. well, thank you guys. this has been a real honor.

this was so fun.

this is incredible. I didn't really think we'd get a story that good. to be honest, that's a 10 out of 10, because already I'm like, okay, the monkeys are great, that's going to be a great story, and my presumption is they tore your shirt off as they left and that's going to be fine. but no, ants enter the picture and then Zeus is around.

it will forever live in my memory.

how much longer did you stay with that boy? I stayed.

with him.

in Saipan for a while and then we broke up after we both left Saipan.

right and you have zero contact with him. you've not bumped into him on Facebook or anything.

no, he still drunk dials from time to time. okay, great, I was the one that got away.

yeah,

the monkey bride Zeus also calls.

take care and thanks so much for that, banger of a story.

thank you bye.

very, very fun.

that was a hot tail.

I'm itchy now.

you are.

some ants. yeah, I feel like there's ants.

ants in your pants.

ants in my pants.

Max.

I wonder if it's my Max.

let's go. Max Max, can you hear us?

I can hear you guys, wonderful. I am so excited to be on here with you all.

oh, and we are excited to be talking to you. I see that you have a nice hat collection behind you.

my fiance thought you might comment on that. well, she was.

right.

what else did she think I was going to comment on because I got a hunch? you know what's coming next.

my scar, but that was it.

no, nice biceps, really nice definition.

thank you very much.

but you know what they look like. they look like they're the result of an actual athletic endeavor. are you a climber or something?

I was a climber for a while. I played tennis in high school.

okay, yeah, they've got that very athletic toned. look to them.

well, I take that as a high praise from you, Dex, are you in?

Austin.

I am just outside of Boulder Colorado.

I decided.

to try it.

didn't it feel good.

it didn't, because I didn't get it right.

okay, but you know Monica hates when, I guess, but she's now joined.

I decided to try it.

it's so fun.

Austin's, Boulder, South right, yeah.

very similar clientele.

and Monica. my fiance is from just outside of Atlanta. she's from Roswell, Georgia, Roswell.

we just talked to somebody else who was from Roswell.

Roswell's having a moment and ding ding.

ding easter egg. we're gonna have an episode of flightless bird on Roswell.

New Mexico yeah, okay.

the first episode I ever heard of armchair expert was with David oh.

it was.

the QAnon episode.

oh okay, and armchaired and dangerous.

absolutely.

okay, so Max, you ended up accidentally naked. I can't wait to hear how that happened.

I did indeed, so this story takes place back in 2018 here in Boulder. I'm in the restaurant industry. I've been chef for many, many years. recently took over front of house at a small brew pub here in Boulder called under the sun. it's actually where I met my fiance and at the time we were both working there, I was a line cook.

it's a hot bed of activity at those restaurants.

it sure is, and the living situations can be quite wild, which leads me into the next portion of this story. so we were both early 20s living in what amounted to slumlord tenant situations in Boulder. you can only have three unrelated individuals living in a house together on a lease. legally they do that to keep landlords from taking advantage of college students and things like that, because it is a big college town, but they do nonetheless. so both of us were kind of in similar living situations, not super happy with our roommates, but I could not stand.

so they're already in violation.

very much so, and in the restaurant industry not trying to make generalizations here, but tends to be some substance abuse and also kind of psychological issues.

yeah, the hours suck, so you're going hard.

that was definitely the situation for both of us, and her roommates in particular were very mentally unstable. one of them in particular we'll call him Lucas. I remember the first time I met him. I walked into her house. it's probably like 11pm and he's sitting in the living room just chugging a bottle of Tito's all by himself.

this is Lucas.

this is Lucas. I forget about it. we're first couple months of our relationship, so if we're together for more than an hour, we're probably getting steamy, which happens. we're sitting on the couch, we're hooking up and I notice Lucas is standing there just straight up staring at us. it gave me like a hit in my chest.

what is going?

on. are we being stalked right now? so I notice him there and he's like very obviously getting his rocks off hooking up.

pleasuring himself.

he's jacking off.

well, let's keep it clean, Monica.

yeah, we keep it really clean here.

you know, we didn't see the bottom half of his body, but he was grinning and definitely moving a little bit.

he's jacking his dick.

yikes.

I get up, I go out to confront this unhinged person and I'm like man. what are you doing? he's like you're making a big deal out of nothing. I was just hanging out back there. it's my house, not your house.

I wish.

you called into Alcoholics Anonymous.

yeah,

I wish. a couple weeks later I've been at Sam's house a lot and I can feel the tension starting to build more and more with this kid the more he kind of resents me. he's definitely got the hots, for my girlfriend probably doesn't want me around and they just so happen to live in two rooms that are connected by a walk-through bathroom, so we can hear each other in each other's rooms quite often not an ideal situation. so we're in Samantha's bedroom. it's probably two in the morning.

so my.

stream was certainly thunderous that night probably made more noise than was necessary. flush the toilet, drop the toilet seat, let it slam, not really thinking about it. next thing I know I notice the door to his room is cracked open just a little bit. he literally kicks the door open, comes raging into the bathroom and I'm standing there completely naked and he's like you, piece of shit. I got court in the morning for a DUI you're.

trying to fucking.

sabotage me. you're trying to keep me up. he's pushing me, of course.

he has court in the.

morning. I'm like man. I hope this kid hits me, cause I don't wanna be the aggressor here but do something. I'm an ex-wrestler. I was ready to go.

with a.

hair brush blaming.

Lucas get out.

of here swinging the hair brush. she came to save my ass. now I'm between the two of them there, trying to. I go at it, and I'm between the two of them, like, Sam, stay away, he's crazy. I'm like, Lucas, get out of here, man.

It sounds like a teaser for an episode coming up on a MTV house reality show. Like, I feel like they would tease out this moment for like three or four episodes.

That is exactly what it was like. So we get through the night and with all of these previous situations that had occurred, they had tried to get this guy out of the house for a while, but he wasn't on the lease. So there's a little bit of legality issues there. It's basically squatter's rights. You can't kick them out.

Oh my God. Some of these rules are preposterous. Let's reward the person who hasn't even made any commitment to the place.

Absolutely. The next day, we hear him leave early in the morning to go to his court date for his DUI. He is still raging as loud as he can, talking about how big of a pussy I am. I'm 5'5", Italian. And at the time I didn't have any of this.

Oh God.

You fucking pussy.

What are you going to do?

Like trying to get me to start stuff with him. So it was an apt comparison to draw, but the whole morning, all I hear is him calling me. Mario and all the other roommates, fucking Mario's in there, piece of shit, starting stuff at the house. He shouldn't be here. Well, everybody kind of agreed that he was the problem.

Oh, some of these young men, they're like adolescent elephants, just smashing trees and stuff. They're just a total liability. Nearly a nude fisticuff situation, which could also be a prompt. Tell us about a time you fought naked. Which, as you recall, the defining fight between my brother and I, he was bare naked.

Yeah, that's right.

I relate to this, but of course I was a Lucas in this story.

Sure, sure, sure. Well, I hold space for everybody and their issues. Really hope that he found the help that he needed, but all I know is that me and Sam have found ourselves in a much better living situation. Just the two of us and a couple of pets, so.

Oh, good, it all worked out.

I love that she joined the melee. Yeah. Nude with a hairbrush.

It was impressive. I was like, this girl is for me.

Oh, well, Max, what a tasty story. Yes, thank you. Thank you so much for telling us that.

Thank you for having me. It was great to meet you all.

Take care. Bye. Bye-bye.

I have a question. Why is it called hot and heavy? What's the heavy part about?

Heavy breathing? Is it? Oh, I think that's it. It is? Panting, yeah.

Then it should be called hot and panting.

Hot and breathing. I like hot and heavy. You don't like that term?

Is it like? bodies are heavy on top of each other?

Oh, they can be, Monica. I know. Especially if you're with a big boy.

Well, I guess that's true.

Or even a medium-sized boy, really.

I mean, a small boy, is still probably heavy.

Probably heavy, yeah. Even the small boys are heavy. Boys are heavy.

I love chefs.

Yeah.

Hello.

How are you? I'm good. I feel like we've time traveled and we're talking to a young Martha Stewart. Oh. The organization of the garments, the many different colors, the good lighting, the hair, it's all very young, youthful.

That's a compliment. minus the jail time.

No, that makes me like her more, actually, that she's a convict. I love that.

I just don't want you to have to go to jail.

I kind of dig that, too, actually, that she made the best of it. I watched that whole documentary. She did.

She has friends with Snoop.

Yeah, she'll turn lemons into lemonade any day. Kimberly, where are you at in the country?

I'm in Los Angeles. I'm in Merno Del Rey.

Oh, okay, wonderful. Far away. Which, for people who are not from here, is virtually the same distance to Las Vegas for us, if you factor in the drive time.

Yeah, you guys are really, really far. I was just listening to the Dave Bird episode, and he's in Venice, and then we had a whole thing about the west side of Los Angeles and how there's not a vibe, and I'm like, I need to go where the cool folks are.

Yeah, it's time to get out of there.

Come over for a meal and see what you think. Maybe you'll stay, but yeah, I think it would blow people's mind that it's probably 30 miles away.

30?.

But it's minimally a two-hour drive.

It's like 15.. It's not very many miles at all, and then it's four hours.

It is four hours, yes. If I have to go to that side of the world, it's a whole other country.

And you just stay on the west side, right? Have you ever gotten drunk at Circle Bar?

I have a lot of memories of Circle Bar.

Oh, what years? Because my very good friend Steve DeCastro, who's a stunt coordinator, he was both the manager there and the bartender.

Every time I ended up there, it was like the last stop of the night, so I was never sober walking in, and it was like, who's gonna hold my purse while we hit the dance floor. kind of a place for me?

I think you described perfectly what state of mind most people are when they find themselves at the Circle Bar. For sure. Yeah.

It's a great spot. It's still there. It's still alive and kicking, which is good to know. post-COVID.

Yes, I agree. Okay, so you accidentally ended up naked.

I did. I'll set the scene for you a little bit. I know you used to live in Santa Monica, so it was in your hood in 2005..

I still lived there.

You could have been in this situation.

Well, I know that I wasn't, because I certainly would remember someone accidentally naked, but let's see. Maybe I was on the periphery in a blackout myself.

I have been in Los Angeles for like four years, living the dream, trying to be an actor, and being a bartender, and doing all of the things, and I had met this wonderful guy who later became my husband, who I'm still married to today, so 18 years in. Wow.

That's an eternity.

He was, at the time, going to make a film, and when we first met, we had a month to get to know each other and date, and we kind of hit it off really hard and ended up really attached at the hip, but we knew that there was kind of this expiration date, because he was going to go to New York and he was going to be there for six months having this adventure, and it's like, hey, nice to meet you. Maybe I'll call you on the other side, but let's just have some fun.

A little early for me to do nothing for six months.

100%. And so we kind of decided that we were just going to have this fun together, and we spent all of our time together, and so, as we inched closer to the day of him going and doing this thing, I was like, I want to do something kind of cute, and sexy, and fun for him, as kind of a going away gift of like, hey, maybe on the other side, give me a call, or just like a good memory. So in my neighborhood, at the Santa Monica Mall, which, if you're from Los Angeles, it's on 3rd Street Promenade, which is like a huge tourist area, so it is always, especially on a weekend, this happened on a Saturday afternoon, sort of a stupid day to choose to do this in hindsight, but it was full of tourists and it's a very bustling kind of thing.

It's about 60% German in August on that promenade.

God, I used to love the promenade so much.

You did. I did. Yeah, I used to go eat that fat burger in People Watch for hours.

I used to spend all day there. I would go and see like three things. Yeah. Sure.

You had the AMC 7, you had the Odeon, you had, there was a third.

There used to be Buddha's Belly. Oh. Do you guys remember Buddha's Belly? Yes! What happened there?

It got canceled, what were they selling?

It was an Asian restaurant. It was so good.

It was so good. It's not there anymore, I think it's like a Boa Steakhouse or something now. But I decide to go, and I'm gonna take like a sexy photo strip in this photo booth. And I'm gonna put it as like a bookmark in the book that he was reading. So when he opens the book, then there's just this photo strip of good memories.

I wish people could know what it looks like. It's right out of an 80s California movie. It's like the epitome of a food court.

It was before they redid it to what it is today. And it was like the covered mall, like the Sapporo and the Chopsticks restaurant. It was a proper food court.

Yeah, there's a hotdog on a stick there.

So it was kind of in the back corner, but sort of in the center, all the tables were sort of around it. So I go in, it has a floor to ceiling curtain, a lot of privacy. It's not like anybody's gonna know what I'm up to, like no big deal. I go in, and when you step into the booth, it kind of lights up and turns on, right? So the lights come on, and then you have these options that you can choose a border.

Really quick, are you in a trench coat?

No, I'm wearing normal clothes.

Oh, okay.

The plan is to, with each picture, take off one more piece of-.

Yes, of course.

Creative. And kind of strip down to where the last photo is, sort of like all the good naked bits.

Yes, wonderful. Timing-wise, you gotta be quick. You gotta be on your toes.

Thank you for saying that, Monica, because I, like you, I'm a planner of things. And so I get in there and I'm like, where's the camera? How long do I have? I gotta rehearse this. I have to sort of figure out where to put my body, because if you want to get the good stuff pushed up to the camera, you're kind of having to get in weird positions.