Armchair Anonymous: Embarrassing Sex

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Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dak Shepard. I'm joined by Lily Padman.

Hi there.

Hi, Padman.

You wanted to try that out because my teacher.

Your teacher. You liked it. Let's see if I can't dust it off and give that same sparkle. What a topic today.

Yeah, this is a good one.

It combines two of my very favorite topics, embarrassment and sex.

A lot goes down in today's episode.

Yeah. We really shit the bed on father's stories. We didn't warn anyone. About what? Well, there was a lot.

I said that.

You did?

I said, there's blood.

Oh, okay. Well, let's see. So, I just want to think this one over, just try to really go through it.

I mean, there's fire. If you know someone. If you're afraid of fire.

afraid of fire?

Yeah. So, no one can listen, I guess.

If you're a hypochondriac.

Yeah. If you have hypochondria about bodily stuff, this might not be for you. Just listen. Just listen. No, just listen.

All right. Please enjoy embarrassing sex.

Hard times, come and go.

November 1st, hey. You gotta know, I'ma keep on shining.

Oh, 205. Arrival.

What the fuck? I can pop down and get it. 205?.

That's too long.

That's arrogant. It is. All right. You ready for Sarah? Yes.

Hi. Cool closet.

Sarah. Is this Sarah?

Yes, it is Sarah. Hi.

I love your earrings.

Oh, thank you. They're from Mexico.

Okay. It's very Fleetwood, Mac. Stevie Nicks.

Oh, thank you. I do want to be as much like her as possible.

I think we all do. Wherever you're at, it's my dream, because you have so many extras of so many products.

Yeah, I work for a sunscreen company, which I feel like I missed an episode where you're talking about. maybe you don't like sunscreen or something.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You did or didn't hear that? It was very polarizing.

I didn't hear it. Sometimes I listen to you guys when I'm falling asleep, and it must have happened like when I was falling asleep. Sure. But you know what? You guys reached out to me for, Reefer Madness, and I stocked all the VIP bags for it.

Well, yeah. My wife loves it.

Wait. The vacation sunscreen?

Yeah. The like whipped cream one.

That's a huge brand. You're a huge star.

You're a huge brand with huge earrings.

Wow.

Huge everything.

So, are you in LA?

Well, I was like, this is crazy that this is kind of how I'm meeting you guys, because everything you talk about, I was like in your neighborhood, I think. I was down from Immaculate Heart. Oh. I was always working from car. I hiked Griffith Park twice a week.

Exactly.

Well, you know, we too are putting stakes in Nashville.

That's what she said. There's an opportunity. Oh.

I got to figure out where we hike in Nashville, I guess.

That's the thing I miss the most. I'm not going to lie, because there's no door to door hiking. You have to drive somewhere. But otherwise, the summer is pretty kind of magical if you remove politics from it. When it rains, it's warm and you can like dance it, and there's fireflies and cicadas are gone.

Yes. I can't wait. Okay, you have an embarrassing sex story and I think the level of bravery involved with an embarrassing sex story is very peak.

There's wine in this. I'm like so nervous. Oh, good job.

Perfect. I'm jealous.

Maybe a new embarrassing sex story will happen real time if you get drunk enough.

Oh, and Monica, guess what? I'm from Georgia. I went to UGA and I think we graduated at the same time. What? Our lives have been running parallel.

Yeah, of course. Yeah. Religious, the Bible bells. Yeah.

So this is kind of a little preface to my sex story, which is a tender little losing of the virginity story. But I started high school at this kind of cult, like Christian school, and our sex ed was very particular. Separated the boys and the girls. The headmistress had all the girls kind of lined up in a row in the chairs. She got out a butterfinger.

Oh, my God.

Hands it to the girl in the first seat. Says, open that butterfinger for me. Pass it behind you. Second girl. All right.

Ew.

I've never been more perplexed about how something would tie into something. This is great.

I think it's about STDs. Okay.

So it gets to the end and this girl's got like a half-eaten, chewed up, spit on butterfinger. And then the teacher pulls out a new butterfinger and she said, would you like a new one or do you want to keep the one you have?

Oh, my God.

This is an abstinence thing?

Yes. This is an LGBT. All used up.

Oh, my God. Uh-huh.

And so, if you were a man, would you want your wife to be the used butterfinger or the new butterfinger? And I was like, oh, my God, I'm a butterfinger. I am so scared of sex.

Also, it's so annoying that it's the woman, that it's not the dick. I thought the butterfinger was the dick.

The dick's more likely to be all used up and slobbered on.

Yeah, yeah.

We, as women, are butterfingers that we need to keep the wrappers on tight. Ew. Yeah, boy.

I'm sure she was well-intentioned, but that's just terrible.

I was not going to meet anybody in school like to bone, obviously. It was so small. My graduating class had 12 people in it. When I applied to Georgia, I was like, I'm third in my class. And I didn't say, like, out of how many?

Out of three.

Oh, that's great.

I started working at a coffee shop and met this guy that was 20 years old. I was 17.. I was obsessed with him. I've never fallen in love with somebody that quickly. Still, I'm 39..

Oh, my.

You played guitar? Yeah. He played his guitar at you? Exactly.

Yeah, he did.

Taught me all about Bob Dylan.

In The Godfather.

I was obsessed with him. But I was 17.. I was still in school. I was like, I'm not touching this Butterfinger wrapper. This Butterfinger wrapper is, like, intact.

No, I know exactly.

I don't. A futon?

No.

It's like you put a bunch of blankets down.

It's like a makeshift sleeping area.

Is there real pallet involved? Do you put it on a pallet? No way. Okay. Thank God.

It's just blankets stacked up.

I don't want the Butterfingers scraping against raw lumber.

So he made like a pallet. He was like, I want to watch my favorite movie. It was the Wedding Singer. He thought I looked like Drew Barrymore at the time. Sure.

I see it.

This was 2003,, I think. So I'm like making burnt CDs. So I made a whole soundtrack. So it was like all the songs he taught me, while he was like singing guitars. It was like Wonderful Tonight with Eric Clapton.

It was like Beast of Burden.

It was Lay, Lady Lay.

Good musical taste. Lay Across My Big Brass Pallet.

It was going to end with. I Want to Grow Old With You, because I knew we were going to watch that movie. And that's the song that Adam Sandler sings to Drew Barrymore. at the end of the movie. There was a lot of pressure riding on me or him, or all of us, all two of us, to make it like a beautiful night.

Of the pallet.

He's trying so hard to be like romantic and gentle and sweet, and it is taking forever. My songs are nearing towards the grand finale and I'm like, I can't just do this in pain and silence. I have to still have a beautiful soundtrack moment. Somebody's got to like finish here.

Meanwhile, he's like trying to move an oversized couch through a doorway.

Oh God. Exactly. Yes. That's what it was.

And this guy had like a porn star wiener. Wow.

Good for you.

Wow. Congrats. And was there no lube? Well, not enough.

Not enough. And after the time it was just like, eh. My soundtrack's ending. I got to get through this. I'm going to make you finish.

You're like under a time clock. Yeah. Okay.

I don't even realize that it tastes weird and like. I'm doing all the stuff that I learned from Cosmo. I was like really preparing for this night. I had gone down in before and it had been okay. And then I'm like drooling.

Oh. Oh.

He went there.

We've technically had sex. Now even blowjobs are going to be tasting bad and terrible. No one will ever get pleasure again, because I've sinned against the Lord and I am a disgusting Butterfinger. Meanwhile, he's like, I'm so sorry. They're extended pleasure condoms, which apparently extended pleasure means it puts numbing stuff on your dick.

It's like a lidocaine maybe.

Oh, so that you aren't feeling it as much?

Well, so the boy doesn't. Right. I think it's on the inside of the condom, because again, all of us young guys, we're just trying our hardest not to blast right away.

But she wanted him to blast.

Each person's living up to what they think the other person wants, of course.

Oh, God.

Okay, so you're numbed up. You got so much lidocaine in your mouth. Ew.

I've got so much lidocaine. I'm spitting. I'm thinking that Jesus is mad at me. God is mad at me and he just starts laughing at me and he was just like, oh my God, it's a numbing condom. We're totally fine.

Okay. So he's nice. Okay. Big old baseball bat dick and he's nice.

He used to hang a towel off his dick, like when he got out of the shower. Oh, sure. Wow.

That's a fun trick when you're young.

This guy. Yeah.

Where's he at?

I think he's like a bartender in Chattanooga, honestly. Oh.

Okay. I'll pass.

We finally got the hang of sex eventually. Like, we dated for three years after the fact. Eventually broke up. I viewed that relationship through rose-colored glasses, but it was probably super toxic looking back in it. But he was a really great person to lose my virginity to.

That is nice.

It was sweet. He's with the girl he started dating right after me. That was like 20 years ago. Wow.

Yeah.

Good for him. Wow, wow, wow.

Okay. That is upsetting. Imagining your mouth just like filling. Yeah.

And this weird, sharp chemical. Ew. It is a nice moment to take pause and say how sad it is for everyone. Everyone involved. Think of what you're doing as a boy.

It's a nightmare. It's so sweet.

Both people are trying so hard to be perfect for each other.

And this is before porn was so intense. So now I can't even imagine these young people, the pressure.

I don't even watch porn. I don't know. I'm just like, hey guys, I have big boobs. Play with them.

Like, it's fine. Entertain yourself.

That's kind of a shortcut. Yeah, go for it.

It's a cheat, you guys.

It's a total cheat. Oh, wow. Well, that is a disaster.

That's much better than I was fearing.

Oh. Tell me what you were fearing.

Well, look, because we've had this situation, which is a woman told us a story about the first time using her tampon and she had wrongly put it in her butt and didn't know. She's like, why is it so difficult? This was on armchair. Anonymous.

But you thought that.

So part of me was like, okay, so the reason you couldn't get it in is he was going in the wrong hole.

Okay.

And now you go to blow him and you're like, this is weird. This smells like poop. Yeah. That was conceivable. Think about the clues.

You're right. But wow. I think people know when it's their butt.

Well, the person putting the tampon in didn't.

Okay, but she was a little child. So she didn't know as much.

Yeah. Sarah's like four years older. Her full sex ed was a candy bar. So anything was possible. You're right.

We and we got the hang of sex. one time, though. I was like on top and he was like holding my hips and put my butt down on it.

It went straight in?

No lube. No. Yeah. I bled for days. Oh, yeah.

That's so similar to my story when my penis got broken in half. Same thing. On top. Go down fast. Snap the penis.

I've had so many weird sex stories.

Oh man.

Well, Sarah, thanks for that story. That was great.

Yeah. Thanks for sharing.

Yeah. Thank you for being so easy to talk to. I was really nervous about this. Obviously with my wine. I just want to say my dad passed last year and he had given me this book.

How do you not know who Mike Nichols is? Oh, that was the book?

Yeah.

Wow. How crazy.

It was like a week or two after he passed that you started bringing up on the fact check.

Oh my God, that's Sim.

It was super Sim. And then I was just like, oh my God, I have to get it. He had sent it to me. I left it at the house and I was like, I got to go get it. I got to read it.

Aw. Did you love the book as I did and your dad did?

I still haven't read it yet. Oh, still haven't.

Okay.

There's literally nothing. probably that'll get you to read that book.

Except now I will have to read it.

Don't do it. I think at this point it's maybe cooler. Yeah, double down. You resist all. All right.

Yeah, absolutely. Would love it.

All right. Take care.

That was fun.

It's ready. Your food's here? It's outside the gate.

I'll get it after I relet this gallon.

Haley. Straight up Haley. Haley Joel Osment. No tricks. I wish it was Haley Joel Osment.

Haley Joel.

Sorry to disappoint.

Oh, you could hear that? We didn't see you. I didn't know. you could hear yet. Yeah.

I'm happy to have you. I don't need Haley Joel.

Haley. Joel Osment cannot tell this type of story.

Oh, you're right. Well, I guess, listen, under normal circumstances, I'm not like rooting for Haley Joel Osment to be one of the guests. But in this case, because it would be a sex story.

Oh, you wanted it.

Well, just a little risque for a public person other than myself to talk about sex stories.

For a child actor.

Oh, right.

Sixth sense.

It's even compounded. I love your little tent you've made.

Swiffer to my left.

Just for the listener, there's two chairs holding up the sides of the tent. And then we have a swifter holding up the center of the tent.

I was really nervous to do it from in here, because I was like, this is going to collapse on my head.

For sure. Hopefully.

Maybe that'll happen. And that could be added to the list of embarrassing stories that I have to tell.

What city is your tent in?

I'm currently in Astoria, New York.

Oh, where's that? It's in Queens.

It's kind of the first town neighborhood of Queens when you leave Manhattan.

Now I'm remembering. I see it on the subway. It often lists Astoria, won't it, as a direction.

It's the last stop on the N train. It's kind of known for Greek food. It's like a high immigrant population. Lots of languages, lots of diversity.

Nice.

Oh. We love it here. How long have you been there?

I'm originally from Long Island, so I've kind of been in New York most of my life. But I just moved to this apartment last August. And the story does not take place here.

Okay. Where does the story take place?

It takes place in New Orleans.

Oh, prime.

It's asking for a sex story.

I mean, come on. Just the center of pure debauchery. Y'all have been there, I assume.

My favorite shirt I got from there. The shirt says, I got bourbon faced on shit street.

Yeah, that's great.

And that really sums up the whole experience.

Fair enough. I went to Tulane there. Oh, nice. The story takes place. my sophomore year of college, 2019..

There we go. So it's kind of weird.

It's been nine years at this point. But I am convinced that this happened to me, so I could be here today to tell the story to you guys. When I saw that prompt, I was like, this is my destiny. The prophecy has been fulfilled.

Yes.

Wonderful.

So, winter of 2015,, Tulane University, center of New Orleans. At the time, it was my finals week. Really stressful. I was staying up late every night, drinking shit, tons of coffee. Just really on the verge of a mental breakdown.

Sure, sure, sure.

Again, it's New Orleans. So drinking is a main cultural staple.

Yes. And is it even hard at 19 there, or is it super easy?

In terms of, I don't know.

Being underage.

Oh, no.

Okay, that was my hunch.

It's so easy. I mean, at Tulane, we actually have like a bar on campus. Oh, God bless. I mean, it's not technically on campus, but it's like next to the dorm. It's really easy to get shit-faced there as a 19 year old.

Okay, great.

So we go to a party. I'm absolutely wasted. And I actually go to try Coke in the bathroom. Wonderful.

Great, great. You are letting off some steam.

Obviously.

Coke in the bathroom, wasted on alcohol. I come out and they kind of have like a buffet of those classic aluminum trays of fried food.

This is a nice party, though. This is a college party that actually put out food.

I wouldn't call the food nice. It's like chicken fingers and french fries.

Right, right.

It's just pure hedonism. I'm like stuffing my face. I'm getting wasted. I kind of turn around and I lock eyes with someone from my Spanish class. We had just taken the final together and it's on.

Sure, sure, sure. Especially if he was hitting that nose candy. That makes it even doubly hard. He's having trouble. Okay, he's struggling.

So we both kind of turn over, go to sleep. No one had an orgasm.

Beads of sweat on the forehead at any point?

It's not that type of pain.

I don't have to go to the bathroom.

It's just like purely in my stomach.

Oh, my God. Okay, I have a guess, but I'm not going to say it.

It's like 10 out of 10.. I've never felt it before. I'm starting to realize something is seriously wrong with me. What does a 19-year-old do when they're freaking out like that? I call my mom.

Right, 4.30 in the morning.

Do you wake this guy up? Not yet.

I'm really nervous about how he's going to react. So I call my mom first. I'm quiet on the phone.

And you're not probably telling her, hey, I'm at a boy's house. You're just acting like you're at home at first.

Or I did coke and I drank a lot.

You fucked a stranger. Don't worry, no one came. It's still a virgin. Don't worry, he didn't get it out.

That would be the thing she was worried about. I explain the situation and she does ask, where are you? And I kind of sheepishly say like, oh, I'm having a sleepover.

Okay.

And she's like, with who? And you guys kind of guessed it. I didn't want to say that I was with a boy. But I do, because I'm nervous. I'm kind of panicking.

You're scared enough that you're going to tell the truth.

I don't want to lie. So I say, with a boy. You can kind of hear the realization in the background. Pure silence. It's settling in.

Oh, boy. Oh, jeez.

You've opened up the door.

That's a fair question, though, because what if he stabbed something in her insides?

Okay.

To this day, I've never had a more embarrassing moment than when my mom asked me if I had had such nasty sex.

Raunchy, rough sex.

Just gross sex that the dick penetrated through my vagina.

Tore your uterus.

Into the stomach.

Did she think his dick was sharp? I still wonder to this day.

Do you think he punctured you and blasted in your stomach?

Well, didn't your mom say once that...

My dad did poke a hole in my mom.

That's what she says.

The punchline of that story is that she said, and your father was proud as a peacock.

Right. But I mean, I don't think that's the punchline. I think the punchline is that he punctured her.

My dad had a humongous dick in his defense.

But how would it have punctured a stomach?

It punctured her uterus.

This feels impossible.

Or ruptured. I don't know if punctured is the right word. Maybe ruptured is the right word. We'll have to get my mom on the phone at some point.

Okay, okay, great. Anywho.

So sorry, it's not her story.

His dick was big, though, not sharp, right?

Right, right, right. It was big and sharp.

It didn't have scissors on the end of it.

I do tell her, I'm kind of like, he was a very gentle lover.

Oh, you did? You said that? Oh, wow.

Well, you know, he couldn't get hard, so I knew it wasn't about that. That wasn't the issue. So I kind of am like, that's not the problem.

Get your mind out of the gutter.

Mom, come on.

She's like, give me the deets.

Oh, my God. So eventually I kind of escalate the issue that she's like, you need to go to a hospital. You might have appendicitis.

That was my guess.

Who knows what's happening. So I didn't know at the time that you can just drive to a hospital. Oh, no. I thought you had to call an ambulance. I had never been to a hospital.

You forget how little 19-year-olds know.

I mean, to be fair, I kind of just learned this. Okay. A little bit. Or I just think, if you go to the hospital, it's because you are in that situation.

And in y'all's defense, if you weren't a skateboarder or something like I, was, where my mom drove me to the hospital a bunch.

Yeah.

If you weren't an emergency-prone kid, I guess you wouldn't have ever been driven to the emergency room.

The only time I've gone to the hospital is in an ambulance.

At 30..

Yeah, exactly that. Like, I had never been to the hospital before. I didn't know the protocol. At the time, the Tulane campus had a local EMT service. You could call an ambulance and it would be free.

Oh, nice.

But the student EMTs were on strike, so they canceled the service.

Oh, my God.

So the bill, which is jumping ahead a little, but the bill was insane. Oh, yeah.

It's a couple grand to ride there in an ambulance, right? Or $1,500..

I forget how much, but like an exorbitant amount. My mom ended up arguing with the hospital and getting it for free. Oh, nice. She's a lawyer.

Are you thirsty? No, no, I'm going to go in an ambulance.

So you'd call 911?.

He actually stirred before that. I kind of delivered the news to him. He called 911 for me, which is very gentlemanly.

That is. The bar's low.

I mean, before that, he was like, you're fine, take an Advil. Yeah. And he gave me two. Advil to take. Advil is specifically not good for your stomach.

Yep.

So after a while, he can see how much pain I'm in. He calls 911.. The ambulance comes and I'm in such bad pain, I can't move. So they have to lift me up onto a gurney. in his room.

Oh, wow.

This is my hospital outfit. They lift me up, they put me on a gurney. As they're wheeling me out, I kind of turn behind me and I'm like, call me.

I had a good time.

I'm so uncomfortable. Anything to make the situation like a little more normal.

Leaving on a gurney from a one night stand is a rough look. It's hard to pull that off.

It's tough.

It's an insane exit. So they bring me to the elevator. I can see the EMT kind of like eyeing me up and down, this like sly little smile on her face. She's like, you had quite the night.

Oh, my.

I'm like, Kathy, I had a bad night. This was not a cute night. Don't give me that. So I get into the ambulance. I immediately throw up.

Right.

I'm not pregnant in the end. That's not the issue. They run a few tests. They give me fluids. So it turns out I don't have appendicitis.

Autoimmune.

I don't have that issue. This is the first time this has ever happened to me. I don't have any autoimmune disorders.

So it's first and last.

I have had it again one time. I did have to go to the hospital again. But it's a really freak thing. It's really painful. Your stomach lining is red and the acid is kind of like interacting with it.

It's like your whole stomach turns into an ulcer.

That's like the pain level. It feels like.

Oh my.

Now you're on a speedball. You got the coke from earlier. Now you're on some opiates. You should come back to his house.

Yeah. They mostly give me fluids and I'm discharged within a few hours. And I leave the hospital. I don't have shoes or socks. My friend comes to pick me up.

Yeah, sure. I get it. You want a do-over.

It's a challenge.

It's a chance for redemption.

Stakes are high.

I kind of go in with the plan. I doll up. I make sure that I'm not wearing the same outfit from the hospital night. I'm flirting. I'm like, how was your weekend?

Oh, okay. All right.

Ouch. He was committed to the bit.

He went to the library. I saw him go there.

I don't think it's any comment on your appeal, but he rightly was like, look, last time we hooked up, you left in a gurney. I don't want to roll those dice again.

Yeah, I can't do it.

I think that's fair-ish.

He's over it. I would not want to sleep with me either. I'd be completely over me.

Well, you might think like, well, fucking, next time I might kill her. if I actually get it in. She might be dead next time.

A very delicate woman.

Yeah, so fragile.

So my friend lovingly referred to this story as the time I ate so many chicken fingers and did so much coke, I ended up in the hospital.

That's good. College.

Yeah, makes me want to go back to college.

God, it's fun.

Does it?

It does make me want to.

Things are messy.

Yeah, it's a fucking wreck.

You got shit to talk about, nonstop with your friends, because stuff's going sideways for everybody.

I feel like I learned a lot and I look back at that time. I realized how naive and innocent and sweet I was.

You didn't even know you could drive to the hospital.

I thought you could get pregnant within four minutes.

The second time I had to go to the hospital for gastritis, I took an Uber.

There we go. You learned your lesson.

See, it was $12 instead of $1,000..

That's growth, baby.

Yeah, girl. Well, Hayley, lovely meeting you. Great story. So sorry.

Thank you for sharing it.

I wanted to give a quick shout out to my friend, Rachel. This is the cornerstone of our friendship. Every week, we catch up about what's happened on Armchair Expert.

Oh, I love that.

She was very insistent that I give her a shout out, and I wanted to.

Well, Rachel, thanks for listening. Thanks for being in a book club of sorts with Hayley.

Thank you. Bye.

I didn't wave on purpose, but I should have.

You don't remember how.

I go like this.

Look how small my hand looks.

This is a terrible way to wave. Bye.

Yeah, that looks like a shoe.

Bye. Vinny does that. He does like one finger. Oh, he does?

Well, he's a baby, so he does get away with it.

You should try it, though. It works for him. Okay, I'll do it. Bye.

Yeah, I like that. Have you heard? the one, comparison is the thief of joy?

Yes.

That's a good one, too.

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Hello, I'm here. Here I come.

Here I come. There you are. Hi, Garrett.

I can't believe. I'm in the attic with you guys. Look at that.

Look at us. And we're in your closet, presumably.

Wife's closet. It's the bigger closet.

Yeah, as it should be. Roomy. I see some pumps hanging out of the corner frame.

Bags.

Not as exciting of a background as you guys.

Where are you at, Garrett?

I am in Los Angeles. Oh, no kidding. Yeah, right around the corner from you guys. I'm up in Reseda.

Oh, wonderful. And where are you from originally?

Missouri.

Do you hate when people say Missouri?

No, I make fun of it all the time. I say I'm a Missouri boy.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's funny, Missouri is north and south in a way.

Kind of, yeah. It kind of touches everything a little bit.

How long ago did you move out here?

Ten years. That's kind of where this story begins.

Oh, wonderful. A ding, ding, ding.

Ding, ding, ding. Yeah, ten year anniversary for this story. Actually, at the beginning of the summer in 2014,, I proposed to my now wife. She said yes. Up until that point, we had probably spent like 50% of our relationship, which had been seven years long distance.

Sure. It was time.

Yeah, it was time. So I made a move, and a move turned into kissing, and kissing turned into making out, to pushing each other up on the bathroom wall. And eventually I find myself sitting on a closed toilet seat receiving oral sex. Okay, great. It just snowballs real, real fast.

The heart knows what it wants.

No, it's distance really does make the heart grow fonder. That's right. That's what it is.

I'm enjoying the moment and I lean my head back in ecstasy. And that's when I discover that during my wife's morning routine, she had lit a candle.

Okay.

And as I leaned my head back, my hair caught on fire. And I could immediately feel just like a tingling sensation on the back of my head. Put two and two together. This is kind of where just being a boy is being a boy. And I didn't want the fun to stop.

Sure, sure. Priorities.

I took my hand and I started patting the back of my head. Yeah. Trying to put the fire out as quickly as possible. I thought I was being sneaky, but I was definitely patting viciously, trying to put a fire out on the back of my head. The commotion led to my now wife looking up at me with this look of what the hell are you doing?

Yep.

And saw smoke erupting from the back of my head.

Billowing out of your head.

And she said, are you okay? And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. She goes, well, blow the candle out. So I turned around on the toilet and I blew the candle out, but I blew it out so hard that scalding hot wax then flew into my face, my eyes, my nose and my mouth covering my face.

Oh, my God.

And I turn around screaming, as there is hot wax all over my face. And my wife is screaming, seeing a horror scene right in front of her. And I start getting up as a blind man trying to find the shower. And she grabs my arm and helps me into the shower. And I'm letting my hair get wet, or at least what's left of it.

Oh God.

It's one of our favorite stories that we tell good friends.

I love that it escalated like a movie set piece.

It did.

If you had slipped getting in the shower, that would have been the third beat. Exactly. That would have made it a movie.

No rule of thirds on this one, but it's one of my favorite stories.

And when you got out of that shower, did you lead your soon to be bride over to that deflated mattress and finish what you started?

Absolutely not. It was so dead. It was over.

Well, you had like third degree burns all over his face.

There was no salvaging that situation.

Wow. Oh, life. Big joke.

I certainly would have done what you did, which is like, oh, this fucking, how inconvenient. Fucking. get this hair out. It's on fire. Certainly can deal with that later.