Armchair Anonymous: Failed Romantic Pursuit

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous, I'm Dick Harrington, I'm joined by Peggy Putzto. Hello! Hi there! I think people can listen to this one for a change. This is, of course, Failed Romantic Pursuit.

Yes, you can listen!

Yay! Yay!

Finally, we got one you can listen to!

You cannot listen to Next Week's.

Oh, is it Next Week's?

I don't know. I think so.

Well, an upcoming episode is... I don't even know why we'll put it out, but...

You can listen to most of it, just not the last.

That's true.

You'll be able to listen to three of the four. But we're not there yet. We're not there yet. We are at Failed Romantic Pursuits, which you are free to listen to and enjoy. Please do.

Hard times, come and go.

Good times, take them slow.

I'ma keep on shining.

Shane, are we talking to Shane?

You're talking to Shane.

And Shane, you're a fan of Max Verstappen, I see.

I am. I actually went to Monza. No! With the Tifosi this past weekend, yeah.

How was it?

It was a blast to see him win the record, and then the Ferrari fans are just a time. And we got to rush the racetrack after, which is a good time.

The entire crowd gets on the track and walks the track, right?

Yes. I've been listening to the F1 podcast. It's been like a pre-race weekend ritual, and it's been really fun. I'm really enjoying it.

Oh, thank you. I'm so happy to hear that. We're going to keep doing it. Where are you at in the country?

So, I'm currently in Boston, but I'm originally from Los Angeles.

Boy, let me put my thinking cap on. If you're from Los Angeles and you're employed in Boston, you're in education.

No.

What field are you in?

I'm in software sales.

Oh, okay. Shane, you have an embarrassing, failed romantic pursuit.

I think it fits the bill pretty well.

Okay, please walk us through it.

This story takes place in the summer of 2010 in Los Angeles. I was entering my freshman year of high school. I had just grown a few inches. I used to have the Justin Bieber, Zac Efron, flippy haircut. That's now gone.

Rachel. And what beach were you guys hanging at? I'm curious.

I'm from the South Bay.

Manhattan, Redondo, all that?

Yeah. They get pretty packed. So, there's a lot of activity there. We met this friend group a few times. And I think it's worth noting the high school dynamic at this stage.

And did they go to your high school?

Yes, they went to my high school.

Oh, wonderful.

Okay. And then I'm the year below. And I would not categorize myself as part of that in crowd. But I had friends in that group. I was an athlete.

Scholar-athlete. It's a very specific niche.

Yes, I was in AP classes. I was a competitive soccer player. I took some drama classes. Yes! You're, like, close, but not quite there.

Oh, my gosh. What a charmed life. Yeah. I know. You're hanging at the beach in the day.

For now. So, I get the chance to go abroad. Obviously, it's a good opportunity. But my mindset is just, like, things were just getting going. How am I going to try to continue up the conversation with Rachel?

Oh, you're singing. Yeah, floating.

I'm like, things could not be going better.

How many times did you read it? 20??

I think I read through it a few times, but I have a line of teammates behind me just waiting their turn. They see it, though. So, you know, some are hyping me up, some are busting my chops, and I'm just over the moon. Yeah. So, I decide I'm going to continue the bit.

Yeah, you're in ninth grade.

Yeah, it's very dramatic. You'd have thought I was, like, off at war or something. Yeah.

Uh-oh.

I'm a little nervous, but I think, okay, I'm sure something happened. I'll wait a few days. I try to reach out again. I don't hear from her, so I go back on Facebook. I send her a message, and the tone is very different than what it had been.

Oh, no.

Later this week, I go online, and I see her post a photo with a new boyfriend. Yes. Older, popular, in crowd, kind of just what you'd expect.

Your worst nightmare.

Richard, a Cardi type.

I'm gutted. Did I say something? Did I ever really have a chance? Was I out of my league, et cetera? Yeah.

Oh, this is so cruel. It is. That's, like, evil.

Yeah.

What did you do? You obviously wanted to cry.

I hope you punched her right in the fucking face.

I mean, I just want to crawl under a rock at this point.

God, you already have heartbreak. Like, you're sitting there playing through every interaction. This is evil. Where did I tip it? Where did I jump the shark?

Yeah. High school can be tough. And people found out about it. But it eventually cycled out of the high school abyss of gossip and news. And, yeah, it's not something I like talking about.

But even poor Montei didn't know. He's like, you got to remember, catfish didn't come out until after my thing.

Exactly. So. it's not something I was even considering or worrying about. But, yeah, that's the story. Went after a crush and got catfished by her entire friend group.

Oh, shame.

That's awful. I hate those people.

I hope she. Died.

I hope she died.

I hope she's dead. I don't know what goes through a teenage girl's mind.

I hope that beautiful boy she was with is also passed.

Everyone's dead.

I hope everyone's passed.

Wait, did the original girl know?

I assume they were together, sent the first message, saw how I responded, and then just sort of ran with it.

Yeah, it was too good for them to resist in ninth grade. Well, they're in tenth grade. Ah. I can already tell you what the silver lining is, because now we've spoken with you for 20 minutes. You have an incredible smile.

It is. Actually, if you guys will indulge me, my girlfriend is the reason I started listening in the first place, and she was hoping to say hello.

Oh, get her in here. Yes, of course. Get her in. Hello.

Oh, my God, you're so cute.

I know. Look at the two of them.

Aw, thank you.

Thanks for letting Shane unpack that with you guys. The first time he told me this story was because he submitted it. He had not shared with anyone.

Aw. It's the sweetest story.

A lot of people have stories like this, and so it's good that you shared it, because maybe people aren't too afraid. I have a similar one.

You do?

Well, kind of, yeah.

How kind of? I'm a little nervous that you're not very similar. No, it is. Tell me. Tell me.

Well, I feel bad because the people in the story are still two very close friends, but they called me.

Oh, on three-way?

Yeah, on three-way, and one was silent.

The other one baited you?

Yeah, she said, well, I guess I'll just say it. Change the names. Okay, Margaret was on silent, and Sheila was on voice, and Sheila was like, Margaret's crush, Alex, told her today that he was in love with you, and she's really upset. They blew out this whole story, and it was all fake.

Oh, my Lord.

It was really upsetting. It's like, ha-ha, I'm here, too, and it's all this funny joke, and I was like, what? Now I was tricked. Someone I thought likes me, doesn't like me. I mean, it was all awful.

That was a very popular thing when I was in junior high, because three-way was brand new, and you'd get a call, and it'd be James, and he'd say, so-and-so said you were a fucking asshole. Then you would naturally be like, well, he's a fucking asshole, and then he'd be on the phone. Right. It was more to, like, bait you into being mean.

Wow.

None of it's nice.

These things happen.

How long have you guys been an item?

Four and a half years.

Yeah, four and a half years.

Oh, my God, you're so cute together. You are. It's crazy.

And they're dead, and you guys are cute and alive.

Yes, and you live in Boston, and you go to Monza, and everything worked out, and you're playing soccer internationally. Oh, no. Rachel's a turd. She blew it. Well, so nice meeting you guys.

I did want to jump in really quickly and just say to Monica. I mean, I love both of you, obviously, but Monica, you've been a huge inspiration to.

me personally, professionally.

I tell everyone to listen to Race to 35 and now Sing, so this is the craziest thing ever, and I'm so glad I got to say hello.

That is so sweet. Thank you so much.

Well, thank you guys so much. We appreciate you taking the time.

Oh, it's so fun. Be well. Good luck with everything. I'm rooting for both of you. Thank you.

Oh, my God. They are so cute and, like, pretty. I loved the way they looked. Me, too.

I like how their teeth looked. I hope they kiss each other often, passionately.

Oh, my gosh. This is wild.

Look at this perfectly sound-dampened room you're in.

It looks great.

Thank you. I actually do a little bit of music recording and sound work myself. It's a homemade space. There's some down blankets tacked onto the wall, but it does the trick.

How good are you at wielding that axe?

I'm mostly a piano player, but I do custom songs with a company called Songfinch for people to give as presents, like for birthdays and anniversaries and stuff.

Oh, that's neat.

Sometimes that requires a little bit of strumming, so I muck through.

And what's the most amount of songs you wrote in a day?

I have done three in a day. Okay. It's my side gig, but it's fun. It's a good creative outlet.

I bet, yeah. And it's a great muscle to be working all the time. Okay, where are you at in the country?

I'm actually in Newfoundland, Canada. Oh, my God.

I had a hunch when I said country that was presumptive, and it was. Okay, so you had a failed romantic encounter.

I did. I will say at this point in my life, I think all of my romantic pursuits have been failed. I have been married almost 20 years, but he pursued me. Oh, okay.

But it's all ending great. Okay, we love that.

It turned out the way it should, but I don't have any game. I never did. It's just not something that I have in my toolbox.

It's okay.

So this story takes place in the year 2000.. I was 16 years old, and I was in grade 11.. I need to just kind of set the stage by just letting you know how little game I had. When I was in the seventh grade, I liked a boy, and I thought the best way to get his attention was to dress like him.

Oh, wow. Okay. Well, they do say that imitation's the greatest form of flattery.

That's what I thought. I just, in my mind, I was like, if I just show up wearing the same shirt that he's wearing, then he's just going to see me, and he's going to be like, who is this goddess in men's clothing who walks among us? It didn't work. By the time I got to the 11th grade, my bag of tricks had not improved, so I still thought that the best way to get a boy's attention was to kind of Trojan horse my way into the boys club. Uh-huh.

This is common.

Yeah. I think I went too far in, though. My ethnographic study was too precise, and I got a little too far in. I really think they just viewed me as a man.

Because you talked about how much you loved titties and stuff all the time.

Well, I got really into WWE.

Oh, okay.

That was one of my ways in. Oh, wonderful. Yeah, so I gave up Valentine's that year that had Ric Flair on them, and they said, I hope your Valentine's Day is woo! Oh, wow. Which I thought was just so charming.

Okay.

It was rough and tumble.

I just picture you in a headlock, like, what is this plan? I'm in a full Nelson.

Exactly. Except I'm like, he's touching me.

Yeah.

I think I feel his pelvis.

Oh, my God.

I'm so fulfilled. It was a rough plan, but it was working for me. at the time. I felt like I was at least getting some attention. And we were all standing around in our hallway of our high school.

No. Tell us about the DDT.

Okay. So the DDT is kind of like you're going to put someone in a headlock, except their head is going to be sticking out the back of your arm.

Okay. Kind of like a reverse headlock.

Yeah. With the DDT in WWE, you'll tap the person on the back, and then you fall backwards.

Okay. And break their neck.

Oh.

Sure. That's the ultimate goal, I guess.

Fuck.

Right where a baby's soft spot would be.

Oh, my god. Well, better than your face, I think.

Well, but brain.

I was expecting teeth missing at the end of this. More of a concussion.

Yeah. So I have a vague memory of him saying, oh, I hit her. That's the only thing I remember him saying. And then everything went black. Knocked out, cold.

Oh god. There's just a limp body in the hallway now? Oh my god.

Just a limp body in the high school hallway surrounded by people. Oh.

Bunch of dudes that are like, you're getting expelled. Why'd you do that? All of a sudden? they're like, she's a girl. Yeah.

Which is the realization I was wanting them to have the whole time, which is they wake up one day and be like, she's a girl. Let's date her. So what I remember after that is, you know, like in a movie, when someone wakes up and there's like a circle of heads around them? Yeah. Like when you open your eyes.

Did he talk to you again, though? Were you friends, at least?

We were awkward friends after that.

Yeah.

I think it was just such a bad look for him and he didn't know what he was getting into when he did that.

He got very confused by all that. No one knew what to do with that.

Yeah, and you did force him to do it.

I wasn't able to say that, but I'm glad you brought that up. Before you, like, really pushed him hard to do it. He fucked it up. Maybe even potentially emasculating him in public.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's what I had for flirting was masculinity and emasculation. Oh, God.

Oh, Kathy, I love you. I'm so glad that you found a husband who pursued you and took that off your shoulders.

Yeah, and it's been working out 20 years.

Yeah, he's pretty fantastic. I've got to say, I got into the podcast right from the start because he actually went away to recovery in 2018..

Oh, okay.

He went to rehab for three months, and so I was home with our boys and it was a pretty lonely time for me. And I got into the podcast and kind of heard about your story, Dax, and about your recovery. And we actually were separated for a bit that year, but we've since reconciled and we are going on 20 years. We're going to celebrate this month actually.

Oh, that's incredible.

I'm so happy to hear that.

And it was just so cool to be able to get the perspective of somebody who's been in that world when I didn't have that at the time. So I really appreciate that. So thank you.

Oh, my God, my pleasure. Yeah, I think it's helpful to hear someone talk about that. you don't have all this baggage with. You most certainly were probably harmed by his behavior, so it puts you in a very interesting position to try to evaluate everything.

Absolutely. The only time in life that we've ever sat together and listened to a podcast together was you talking about relapse. And we just sat together and we held hands and we listened to it. And Monica, yours and Kristen's response to that was so eye-opening to me and really helped me as somebody who is raving codependent and recovering from that as well. You guys, sharing your lives with us makes a difference for very real people.

No, thank you. Thank you. Oh, boy. I really appreciate that. Thank you, Kathy.

Would I be able to just grab him for a second?

Yes, of course. I hope he comes in and he's dressed identical to you.

We should have planned it that way. Like that was his kink. That's his thing.

Oh, man. Hello there. My man crush.

I'm flattered. This is a flattering man crush. You should be your man crush. I know. You look kind of like a rugby player slash, maybe MMA fighter.

I do jujitsu. Oh.

Wonderful. You got that thick neck. Yeah. Yeah. We just heard a bit of your story, so it's really touching that you guys have been along for the whole ride.

It's amazing, and I didn't think it would stick at first, as you can imagine, but it's been really good. And your podcast has been phenomenal. So many resources and things that helped along the way. It was really great.

Oh, thank you so much. We love Kathy's story. It was incredible. And we're just damn delighted. you're up there in Newfoundland listening.

So nice to meet you guys. Yeah, thank you. Thank you so much.

All right, take care, everybody.

All right, bye-bye. Take care, guys.

Oh, man. Oh, man.

We don't deserve it.

Stop saying that. I do.

You do. I'm kidding.

Yes, you do.

Stop it. Well, hold on. I'm going to give you a 10.. When she said you're not-.

You're always trying to give me a 10..

Kind of codependent. She didn't mean hit me.

Yes, she did. That's what she said.

She said hit more. Oh, I liked that story from Kathy. DDT. Dressing like- I'm going to give you- Think how many times she probably said, I'm going to give you a DDT- Before he snapped.

Hello.

Oh, good. You can hear us. We can hear you.

It's Dan and Lily.

Dan and Lily are here.

I'm so excited to see you guys.

Where are you at, Chris?

I am in Ottawa, Canada.

We just got off the phone with someone in Newfoundland. It's Canadian Day.

We love our Canadian listeners.

Oh, our friends to the north. Does your failed romantic pursuit take place in Ottawa?

It actually takes place in Toronto.

Okay. Okay, that's a great place for a failed romantic pursuit. Please set the stage for us.

Okay, so, like a little backstory. I'm a dance instructor by trade, ballroom Latin, and I was at a competition in Niagara Falls, Ontario. While at that competition, I noticed another instructor from another school who very much caught my eye.

Can I ask, through the dance moves or just the physical package, what was it?

It was her physical package, plus what I assumed to be her emotional package. I loved her immediately because I created a version of who I thought she was. Of course.

As we all do.

So at the end of that competition, all the teachers usually get together and have like a little chin dig like, hooray, we did it. Because they're kind of grueling sometimes.

Okay.

And my plan was to start something. So I initiated a chat with this lovely young lady and it went great. We had a great conversation. It was lovely.

Is this the kind of mixer where there's drinks?

There were drinks involved, yeah.

Okay, great. Is dancing an option at this venue?

For sure it is, but like we're all pretty danced out. Okay. So we didn't dance, but we did chat and it was great. We live a little bit apart. She's about like a four hour commute away from me.

You guys have rhythm.

Yes, we do. We were in the right profession. Yeah. So about two months after our initial encounter, I say, hey, we should meet in Toronto. It's about halfway in between the two of us.

Oh, wow. Bullseye.

Kind of explodes across my visage. I don't know what it is, but when I look at my date, I realize it's something bad. She's looking disgusted.

But directly on my face.

On my nose.

She wasn't laughing. I've been shit on the neck and the shoulder. She should have laughed. But never the face.

I know.

Direct hit.

Oh, my God.

That's a career ender. That's interesting that she didn't giggle.

She should have giggled.

I'm mad at her.

Because it was our first in-person encounter, we weren't quite at the, like, giggle at the other person's expense.

Sure.

Right, she might have been nervous. you were going to be very embarrassed and get violent.

I hope she wasn't worried. I was going to get violent. But she was definitely worried. I would be embarrassed.

Maybe towards the bird. I would have rung that bird's neck. No!

So the waiter does a great job, cleans everything up. It had only, like, hit my face a little bit on my shirt. A little in her drinks and food. Oh, my God.

That bird was having trouble.

No, that bird had an anger issue, I think. Blowout. Maybe that bird hated that restaurant's location.

I think it's just that the bird's sitting there eating so much of the scraps that it was too full.

Yes, yes, yes. Maybe he or she knew that I would have to leave the table and the food would be right there.

Yeah, could have been tactical.

It's tough to get into the mind of a bird. It is.

But we should try.

The server replaces all of our stuff. It's all good. And the bird is still there. I say to the server, should we move, maybe? Should we move tables?

Yeah, he only shits once every two hours.

How improbable it would happen again.

Feels improbable. However, it wasn't that improbable because about ten minutes later, almost in the exact same spot, but a little higher up, this time it hits my forehead. This bird shits again. This time it covers my hair. It's just everywhere.

That sucks.

It's not even your fault. I would suggest also a third option, which is I'm ignoring an omen here. She might have been like, how many signals do I need? This guy's been shit on twice. She might have seen it as like a signal from the universe.

Like this isn't a good match. Right.

I'm trying to think what I would think if my date got shit on twice. First of all, I would be laughing. Secondly, I would never have stayed.

At the table.

At the table. But I understand. I'm not saying that- It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's the server's.

No, my fault. Bad move.

Shit on me once, shame on you. Shit on me twice, shame on me. That's the same.

Oh, bummer.

I heard that being shot on by a bird was good luck. So I was hoping she would take that angle.

Although, who's to say that you didn't avoid getting a very stubborn STD? Very true. Maybe it was good luck. Maybe that bird shit prevented him from hooking up with her and getting a long lasting stubborn-.

We don't know that about her.

We don't. But if there's good luck,

that could have been it. Maybe we just don't know what the good luck was.

Could have been a toxic relationship.

I really like that angle.

Yeah. That bird might have looked at you guys and went, this is going to end. poorly. I got to get my bro out of this. I'm going to fucking defecate all over him.

He was like a super bro. He was like, I got you, man. She has got a long lasting thing that you don't want to deal with.

Yep. I'm going to get you out of this, Chris. Just stay right where you're at, so I can get a bullseye.

Wow. We're still friends to this day. We did maintain a relationship, but the romance factor, it died that day.

Well, what a spectacular way for it to die.

At least you got a good story.

I think a lot of people, it just gets snuffed out and then you're left to wonder what went wrong and drive yourself mad. We know exactly what went wrong.

I can pinpoint the moment.

Yes, yes. Oh, well, Chris, I'm so sorry that you got shit on twice in the face. That's really rough.

It's okay. It's about a 10 year old story. I've gotten over it. I've forgiven all birds.

You start thinking the universe is conspiring against you. A little bit. But again, I think you might have been saved.

Yeah, we don't know.

I think you were saved.

I really like this approach and that's how I'm going to remember it from now on. I'm going to ask her if she has any STDs.

You should. 10 years ago. When we were on that date, did you have a stubborn and long lasting...

Did you have one that you still have? Have you been suffering for the last 10 years with an STD that you haven't told me about?

Well, Chris, great meeting you. Thanks so much for telling us that story.

I'm so happy to see you. I love the way you create space for people to feel comfortable talking about the shit on the face moments of life. I think you're doing a beautiful thing. Can I give a little shout out?

Of course.

My friend Brittany, she is an OG armchair. She was listening from episode one and trying to convince me to listen. I'm not usually a Hollywood interview kind of guy, so I did not believe that I would like it at all. Finally gave it a chance and I am hooked. I will never miss an episode.

Letterman.

Letterman, yeah.

I was in withdrawal. Thank you guys so much. Thank you, Brittany, for recommending it.

Yeah, Brittany.

Thank you, Brittany.

Big ups to Brittany for proselytizing. Keep converting, Brittany. Great meeting you. And thank you so much for the story.

Thank you guys so much.

Fun.

I like love and taking swings. They don't always work out, but you just got to take swings. Yeah. We've all had them. We've all had these misses.

It's part of life.

I'm trying to think, if I have a big miss. I'd have to mull it over, but most certainly I do. Or maybe I'll come back.

Well, it was Neb Campbell.

That was a pretty big miss. That counts. Yeah, that was not my best foot forward. What'd you say? again?

Do you want to sing a tune or something? We don't have a theme song.

Oh. Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're going to ask some random questions and with the help of arm cherries, we'll get some suggestions.

On the Flyer Rhyme Dish.

Enjoy.