Armchair Anonymous: Worst USA Trip
2023-09-08 00:55:18
Hi, I’m Dax Shepard, and I love talking to people. I am endlessly fascinated by the messiness of being human, and I find people who are vulnerable and honest about their struggles and shortcomings to be incredibly sexy. I invite you to join me as I explore other people’s stories. We will celebrate, above all, the challenges and setbacks that ultimately lead to growth and betterment. What qualifies me for such an endeavor? More than a decade of sobriety, a degree in Anthropology and four years of improv training. I will attempt to discover human “truths” without any laboratory work, clinical trials or data collection. I will be, in the great tradition of 16th-century scientists, an Armchair Expert.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Rather, I'm joined by Diane's- Anonymous Padman.
Anonymous Padman. But you were gonna call me Diane Sawyer? I was. Wow. Top of mind, cause my Mike Nichols book.
He's courting her right now in the book, yes. Romance for the ages. Oh God, couple of fucking powerhouses. That's not a prompt, powerhouses. Although- One day.
Earmark that, powerhouse. Tell us about a time that you were a powerhouse couple. No, we're not gonna do that. Listen, this one is about worst trips to the US of A, which was really fun, cause we got to talk to people from another country. International listeners, and these were so fun.
One of them was so funny. Oh my God, yes. Yes, yes, yes. One of them's got some twists and turns. So funny, great storyteller.
This is a good batch. Everyone can listen. Yeah, I'm trying to think, if there's any of the four that you can't listen to. No, you can listen to all of them. Right, there's no talks of first class lunch buffets going sideways or anything like that.
We should have said you can't listen to the fact check from a couple weeks ago or last week, or whatever. The one we just did? Yeah. From next week and last week? Yeah.
Okay, please enjoy this episode of Armchair Anonymous, Bad Trips to the US of A.
♪ Hard times come and go. ♪. ♪ Good times take them slow. ♪. ♪ My life, I had them both.
♪. ♪ If ever one thing you gotta know, ♪. ♪ I'ma keep on shining. ♪.
Hello? Hello? Hi. You can hear us.
I can hear you, yes. Can you hear me?
Yes, I can. Moritz, where are you calling us from?
Very close to Stuttgart, Germany. Oh.
Oh, okay, and are you German?
I'm German, yes.
Well, it's so nice to have you on the show. Yeah. We've never heard terrible trips to the US. Not hard to imagine how that could happen. We're excited and we're gonna try not to be defensive.
Yeah, we're gonna try not to be defensive.
Yeah.
That's good, yeah, thank you. It's so surreal to see you, because I hear you all the time, but I'll start. Oh, please. We had twins in the beginning of 2018 and we were planning a parental leave to do a vacation in the US because my wife has family in Georgia.
Ding, ding, ding.
Yes, yes. And we were planning on flying to Miami and then a trip with a motorhome on the west coast of Florida to Georgia and stay there with the family for a few days and then fly back. So we have the luxury in Germany to have parental leave. My wife had this month off. I had the month off, it was November of 2018..
So Moritz, really quick, I love this plan that you're gonna do some motorhoming in the US. Is that something that seems bizarrely American, this whole motorhome culture?
Not at all. Actually, we own a motorhome. Oh, you do?
Okay, in Germany you do.
Yeah, we do. We just came back on Saturday night from three weeks in France. So we are motorhome people.
Oh, wonderful.
But the great country of the US, which is vastly bigger than anything we have here, that was a kick for us. And so we thought, okay, let's try. this. Should be good fun with the kids. So we had to book a hotel or an Airbnb before we can step on the motorhome just for two or three days.
I think it's for the authorities, so they can have an address to look for you. And so we went there from the airport and the flight was actually fine. We were a little nervous about the flight because the girls were then 10 months old. Oh, yeah.
And two of them, double the threat.
But it was fine. We went to the Airbnb. We had our first day there, just do a little shopping, settling in. And the plan was to go on the third day to go to the rental company, get the motorhome, and then take off. So we were there the second night and the first daughter started vomiting all over the place.
Oh, boy. It was really bad, actually. Then it kept happening. And then we were kind of concerned. what to do.
So we went to an urgent care center, which was nearby the place we stayed. They said, hmm, we don't really know, but with small kids, they could dehydrate, so it's better to get to the ER. So we said, okay, it was late at night, but what else would you do? So we went to the ER, classical ER stuff. We waited and waited and waited, and then we got into a doctor's room and they were very nice, very patient.
They said to us, she has very low vitals, so we have to do a few tests. We have to give her an IV. We have to monitor her overnight. So we said, okay. My wife stays with her.
I'm going back to the Airbnb with the other one. That was the first day.
So far, so good. Oh, God.
Somewhere in between that, I called our insurance company, because in Germany, we have general health insurance, but if you go somewhere outside the EU, it's better if you have an extra health insurance, especially for the U.S. because the U.S. system is so different than the European systems. So we did that. We booked an insurance policy for this exact month beforehand.
So I called them. They said, hmm, can't find your name.
Oh, no.
And I said, yes, I know we booked this because my wife is a very good planner, so I know we have that. She sent me a photo of the letter. This is the policy. This is the number. And they said, we can't find that.
What?
It was late at night in Germany then, so we said, okay, let's try something tomorrow. Me and the other kid, we went back to the hospital the next day to visit. They said, yeah, they have to do some more tests because the vitals were going up and down. They were kind of concerned, and we were too, of course. And they said, you have to test for diabetes because she can't keep the glucose level.
That's gonna take two or three days. And we said, okay, yeah, that's our first week, canceled, I guess, but okay, maybe it works.
This is awful. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In another country, in the hospital. And I'm so stressed about the insurance situation.
Me too, me too.
I think that's gonna be- It's not cheap to spend the night at the hospital, yeah.
While we were visiting, someone from the accounting from the hospital came up to our room and very politely took me to the side and said, did you figure something out with your insurance company? I said, I'm trying to. We really have this. I showed her the letter, but it's in German, so she understandably didn't give a fuck.
She told me, okay, if you want your wife and your daughter to stay, you have to do a down payment or something. I said, okay, I understand. Maybe I can get that back later with my insurance companies. I think it was the first thousand dollars. So this goes on for two or three days.
They do a lot more tests. They have a lot more doctors coming. Then they said, with an insurance company, it doesn't really work, so you have to do another down payment. I said, okay, how high? What are we talking about?
They said, we would like to see 5,000..
Oh, God.
Because of all the tests, and they were very nice. I'm not blaming them, and it was a great hospital. We felt cared for, but it was kind of weird because in Germany, you have a card for your insurance, and that's all you know. That's all you give a hospital, and that's it. Right.
They do all the rest.
You're not negotiating fees per day?
No, and then paid 5,000, and then they said, okay, she's stable. now. If you want to, you can take her home. All the while, I had to book another Airbnb because the one we stayed before had another renter. I picked a place somewhere.
I really didn't know where, but it was big enough. It was very expensive because it was last minute. Oh. That piled up as well.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
As we now know, it wasn't in the best neighborhood of Miami. We went there for the last time to pick them up. My daughter was feeling very much better, and my wife was feeling okay, and we didn't really know what it was. It wasn't diabetes. It wasn't the regular kind of stuff, so they said, it has to be a virus.
Oh, my God.
Turns out, it was just a $90,000 virus.
When we picked them up, the very nice and polite accountant came and said, okay, you're leaving. We didn't figure this out with your insurance company, which I tried all the time, and they tried, and it didn't work. They said, if you want to leave, you have to pay another 3,000..
Ay-yi-yi, oh, boy.
Of course, we want to leave, so, of course, credit card, 3,000..
So, you're at 9,000 so far.
Yeah, about 9,000, yes. And then, as we went to leave, I felt like, hmm, my stomach hurts now. Oh.
This is not real.
I go to the bathroom. Of course, I projectile vomit all over the place.
Oh, my God.
I come out. My wife looks at me and says, no. I say, yes.
Yes.
We won't stay there. A, it's a children's hospital. B, it's pretty expensive to be in a hospital. We're going back to the Airbnb place. We had to stop two times so I can puke on the shoulder of the highway.
Oh, boy. It's kind of a blur, but my wife said it was four to five days as well.
In the bad neighborhood. Yeah.
I kind of felt better on day four or five, so I helped my wife put the kids down. I gave the second twin, the formula, and of course, everything went out again. And this goes on for three or four days. No one's really healing. At this time, it was our plan to have another rental car and then just drive to her family, and that's it.
But then, of course, it was my wife's turn after that, so we were there three weeks.
Oh, my God.
No.
Doing nothing but being in the hospital and being in the Airbnb.
Oh, my God.
Oh, man.
We were lucky because we have some friends in Miami, so they brought us food, they helped us where they could help, without being too close to us.
Yeah, you're using the word lucky loosely, but yes, that was nice of your friends. I don't know if you're lucky.
And then we drove up to my wife's family, stayed there for a couple of days because we had our flight back to Germany. And then, when we landed in Germany a few weeks later, a big letter came from the hospital with the bill. So it was about $32,000 on top of the already... No.
The nine.
The nine that we already paid. Our insurance company told us in the end they filed our form wrong. They should have done the month of November, but they filed the month of December.
Oh, boy.
They said it was our fault. There's no fault in their system whatsoever. So we didn't pay anything more than what we paid in the hospital directly, and it went to our lawyer, to a court somewhere. We don't know what they negotiated in the end, but that was our glorious period of relief in the U.S.
Oh, no.
Oh, my Lord.
That is...
That's such a nightmare.
Terrible.
Also so stressful, because for the first five days you think something's really wrong with your baby. You're scared, yeah. And just when that passes, you go to a scary neighborhood, and then you stay there for another two weeks. This is a nightmare. And then you look at your credit card bill, and then you get a real pop-out fright.
That's real scary. Have you been back?
Yeah, of course, many times. Oh, good.
I feel like you need a redo of that vacation. Just think if you would have gone into it saying, I'm gonna blow nine grand on this trip. I'm gonna get myself a big class A motorhome. You could have gotten like a Privos or a new Polo.
I was too scared to add up all the things we paid, because the motorhome I had to cancel, of course. It was last minute, so they didn't refund us. Very pricey.
Yeah, you could have gone to the Maldives or something, probably for a couple weeks. Oh, wow. It's great meeting you, and we're very flattered that you're listening in Germany. This is delightful.
Yeah, yeah, of course. It's eye-opening, and it's very entertaining. Thank you.
Thank you. I really hope all your remaining trips here are much different.
Whenever you're in Germany, let me know.
Okay, lovely.
We have great hospitals, and they're not that pricey.
And you got Porsche right down the road. Yes. Yes, that's worth the trip. All right, great meeting you. Auf Wiedersehen.
Oh, yeah, I snuck that in there. You must have been impressed that I didn't do any German before that. Yeah, I am. It took all my self-restraint. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was tempted to ask him how much his pullover was.
He's pooly.
Oh, my God. Holy smokes, that is the nightmare of all nightmares. So it was just a stomach bug. Yes, and what shitty timing that they didn't all just get it at once. That they went one after another.
I hope he is a drinker. Like, I hope he was able to drink his way through a lot of that. I didn't get that vibe. I didn't either. Hello?
Oh, my God, is this real?
Is this Nicolette?
That's right, that's my name.
Oh, welcome to the show.
Thank you so much. I'm so excited.
Where are you at?
I'm from Melbourne, Australia.
This is so fun, because normally, at the beginning of each of these, we ask, where are you at? And it's always like- Yeah, boring places. So this is so fun. Are you in Melbourne?
I sure am. So it's currently 3 a.m.
Oh. Oh, shit. Oh, my God, we didn't even think about that. Do you love Daniel Riccardo?
Look, I'm not the biggest F1 fan. Sure. But I can appreciate him, he's awesome.
He's gorgeous, right? He's so charming.
Totally.
Well, already meeting you and seeing how wonderfully cheerful you are, it breaks my heart already that you would have had a bad trip here, but I can't wait to hear how it went awry.
Okay, so this happened in 2010,, so quite a few years ago, and it was our first ever family overseas holiday. So it was with my parents and my two younger brothers. So I was 18 at the time, my brother, Dean, was 16, and my little brother, Jason, was about to turn 14.. So we were so excited, and the main reason we were going was to visit family we had in Florida.
Really quick, we've only talked to one other person for this prompt, and they too went to Florida. So already I'm a little, I'm already a little nervous about people making that their destination. Were you guys gonna go to Orlando, to Disney World?
Funnily enough, they lived close to Orlando, but we went to Disneyland in LA instead. Oh. They go to Disney World all the time, they were a bit sick of it, to be honest. Sure. That's not where the story is set, actually.
So the story happened in San Francisco.
You traveled all over, you went to Florida, but then you went all over.
Exactly right. So Florida was just one of the locations. We went to LA and then San Fran. When we arrived in San Fran, we were quite shocked by all the homeless people around. It was really sad, and we'd never experienced anything like that before.
And one of the nights, actually, mom and I were followed back to our hotel by a homeless man. So we were really scared. On one of the days, my parents had decided that we do a bus tour throughout the city to get our bearings and see all the main sites. This bus was like this big double-decker bus, so we didn't really have many of them where I'm from. So we were so excited.
We ran, of course, to the very top, to the very front. We were in the best seats in the house. On this particular day, it was quite overcast, a bit rainy, so we were the only ones at the top. Awesome. I was at the front with my brother, Dean, and then Jason was next to my mom.
My dad was somewhere downstairs with the bus driver. Let's just call him Greg, just for the story.
Really quick, are we calling your dad, Greg, or the bus driver, Greg?
No, the bus driver.
Okay, okay, great, the bus driver. I just wanna be clear, all right.
Greg was like this 60 to 70-year-old man. So lovely, super knowledgeable, knew all his stuff. He was doing a really good job of talking us through the sites. So as we're driving around, we're coming across this bridge. So it looks like we're gonna drive under this bridge, right?
And I thought to myself, it looks a bit low, but.
Oh, no.
Clearly, Greg knows what he's doing, right?
Absolutely. You would imagine he does the same route nonstop.
Exactly right. Then we're getting closer and it's definitely too low. I duck, so does Dean. Jason ducks, my mom doesn't move.
Mom stays still. Yeah. Because she's an optimist or because she's not paying attention? Both, let's just say. Okay, great, great.
So Jason turned and realized she's not moving. So he pulls her down. Unfortunately, it was a tad late. So on her way down, her head clips the side of the concrete bridge. Oh my God.
Lord.
At the same time, there were these like side rails on the top of the bridge. They also collide with the bridge and they snap backwards and snap off and cause like a jolt on the bus. So obviously Greg's realized that because he felt that jolt and he stopped and then reverses the bus immediately. So we all get off. Mom's okay.
She's a bit confused and dazed, like what the heck just happened? It's more like a shock. Greg is catatonic. He's like, well, what did I just do?
And he thinks he's gonna end up in debtor's prison at this point, right? He's gonna get sued.
Yeah, yeah. He then says, he normally only drives single story buses and they just so happened to give him a double story one today.
Oh my God. I know. Oh my God. Oh, Greg.
I felt so bad for him. Like he was so nice and it was awful. You could tell how horrible he felt. Oh my God.
But also you all could have got decapitated.
If we were facing the other way, yeah, it's not good. Oh my God. My dad takes mom to the hospital and my brothers and I go back to the hotel. So our hotel was in Union Square. So right in the center of everything.
And we had no communication with my parents, cause my dad, of course, had the only phone. We hadn't heard from them all day. We didn't know what was happening with mom. And for some reason we decided to watch a prison documentary, as if we weren't stressed enough. Okay.
And then we hear like a bit of a ruckus going on outside. So we take a look at the window and there's a SWAT team entering the hotel directly opposite our.
Oh. Oh, exciting. Oh, my God. Okay, opposite yours, though. Not your hotel, luckily.
Not our hotel. Just directly opposite us. So we literally closed the blinds. We ran to the bed. Like we were too scared to move from then on.
At this point, were you thinking like, wow, these shows that they send to Australia don't really represent what this country is all about.
Pretty much.
Yeah, were you having like cognitive dissonance? Like, wait, this place is a war zone.
Yeah, exactly. Mom and dad come back. She's fine. They've done all the relevant scans and stuff. She's got some questionable memory these days, though.
Don't know if that's related or not.
Oh God, Greg. Greg, I know. I hope Greg doesn't know. I hope he does. I mean, I can't.
No, he already feels bad enough. He doesn't even know about the like residual yet.
I know. And the tour company covered mom's medical expenses. So that was nice. And then they also gave her a $300 Macy's voucher. So they did something.
Did you say a Macy's facial? Voucher. Oh, voucher.
Voucher. Voucher.
I thought you said Macy's facial. It was just like, cause of the injury. Like, let's go get your skin back together. Rehydrated. Random Macy's gift card.
Oh, that is. It makes me think someone in the office just had it.
For sure.
Oh, true.
Oh, no. Oh God. I'm so glad you guys are okay. Cause you hear those stories about someone putting their hand out. Ruthie's old foot was ripped off.
You know that from LA? Right. But at least it wasn't. Like, but sometimes it is. But it was, and they reattached it.
Yeah. Sorry. You had to hear that, Nicolette. About the foot.
No, that's okay.
Just glad you're okay. Have you been back? Have you had a trip that redeemed all this?
So I haven't been back to San Francisco. I don't think I'm keen to go back there.
That's a wrap on San Francisco.
But I've been back twice now. Love the States. Awesome place.
Okay, woo. Cause we almost lost you. Yeah. And I would not blame you for not wanting to come back here. I would think like this place is run by circus performers.
It's also crazy cause we're so obsessed with suing.
I know.
It is weird that that happened.
Totally agree.
I guess you would presume that in such a litigious society things would be safe here, cause people would be afraid. But I don't think that's the case. I think our incident rate of accidents is as high as anyone's. Maybe worse. Nicolette, I'm glad mom made it.
She's good.
Yeah. Do you like how I said mom?
Yeah, I heard it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Erasing the progress I had made with the German guest.
Can I just say Dax without a paddle is literally one of our favorite movies ever. We watch it all the time.
Oh, that makes me so happy. You know it was shot right next door to you in New. Zealand. Have you toured New? Zealand?
I have. Yeah, so do any of those places look familiar? Like Rotorua and the rivers?
We went to Rotorua and we were told that you guys filmed parts there. So it was so cool.
Oh, that makes me so happy.
And I love you both so much. Like I listen to you guys almost every day. Thank you for doing this. And thank you for letting me have this opportunity as well.
Oh, our pleasure. Yes. Wonderful meeting you. Take care. Go back to sleep.
I will, thank you, bye.
Wow, 3 a.m. We did not even think about that. I didn't. They're all over the world. Yeah, there's no way we would have been able to plan.
We're such American exceptionalists. Well, we did this one slightly earlier to accommodate some people. Yeah, this is earlier than normal. I did notice, I was like, that's early. Yeah, we were mad with our exceptionalism.
We were exceptionally mad about the start time. Oh my God, her mom definitely could have been decapitated. To be totally honest with you, this might be controversial. I actually feel worse for Greg in this whole scenario, more than the mom. Like, if I get clunked in the head by a bridge and then I don't have any brain damage and I go to the hospital and everything's groovy, versus.
I drove a vehicle into a bridge and injured a woman, I would be thinking about that for years. I guess I'm more sad about poor Greg. Okay. You don't think I should feel bad for Greg? I just don't, we don't, yeah, no, it's fine.
You can, you can. Okay, we'll have space for all of it.
Hello.
Hello.
Do I pronounce your name, Kaushik?
Close enough, it's Kaushik. I was actually curious on how you guys are gonna do that.
Yeah, Kaushik, I like that. Where are you from?
Originally India, from the Southern part called Chennai.
How close to that is Kerala?
So we are basically Florida and Georgia. Oh. Nice. The Southern East side is Tamil Nadu, which is a state, and the Southern West is Kerala, which is another state.
A lot of Padmans running around there?
Yeah, Shaak wants to.
Where are you at currently?
Right now, living in Lone Star State, in Dallas. Oh, no kidding. Just moved here a couple of months ago.
From?
New York City.
From New York City, okay.
It's such a change.
Oh yeah, that's the culture shock. for sure. It is. Pros and cons, more space.
Yeah, have my own laundry unit.
Okay. Boom.
Have my own huge walk-in closet.
Yes, that's good.
A garage for car parking too.
Oh my God, these are big, big improvements for me. House related. But the food, far less options. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the public transportation sucks too.
And easier to be brown in New York City than Dallas, or do you not feel the difference?
There's a huge South Asian population in Dallas.
Wonderful. Monica, maybe you should get a vacation home there. Okay, sure.
To the point where, wherever you go, I would say five out of 10 people are brown. Oh, no kidding.
Oh, that's wonderful. Was that a surprise to you, or did you expect that?
Yeah, it was. I was expecting, like a cowboy state, like, oh, I'm going to come in here, all I'm going to see is people with hats, cowboy boots.
Yeah, all the women would look like Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, blonde hair, big boobs.
I was excited for that, but.
Okay, tell us about your terrible trip to the U.S. Obviously, your concurrent trip isn't the one we're going to talk about.
This was my first trip. So, just to give you guys a background, this was my first trip to the U.S. and first trip by myself too. I just turned 21, and this trip was not like a vacation. This was my trip that I am uprooting from India to come to the U.S.
to do my master's degree. So basically, this was me moving to another country completely. Oh boy, okay.
I got very lonely, moving just from Michigan to California. I can't imagine what it's like to move around the world.
It was a shock, but I'm here. And another thing is I'm a big dude. I am like six foot five inches tall. Wow.
Wonderful, yeah. You're seated, so I can't really tell. That's very tall for an Indian person.
I know, I've got that a lot.
Yeah. We're racist. It's not, I'm a lot. I'm gonna move. You were racist earlier and I'm not.
Then why that? you would be so at home that half the people would be brown? Yeah. You don't like that. Oh.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
No, it's all good. Yeah, I've got that a lot. They'll be like, oh, did you play basketball? I'm like, no, I grew up in India. We don't play basketball, we play cricket.
Yeah, exactly.
Right. My itinerary was to land at JFK and then take another flight from JFK to Daytona Beach, Florida. That's what I was gonna go to school for.
We're three for three on Florida. You're the third person we've talked to about worst US trips and all three now have started in Florida. They have to do it in Florida, yeah. What school were you gonna attend down there?
It's called Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University. So I did my master's in aeronautical science.
Aerospace. Yeah, baby.
Yeah, that's what my bachelor's was. I was an aerospace engineer. Oh, wow. Cool. I had a four hour connection.
I was excited that I was gonna be in JFK, New York City, even though I knew I wasn't gonna step out of the airport. It just felt good to be in New York. We landed and the captain announced saying there was some sort of security issue at JFK and we weren't gonna go to the gate until we get the clearance. So we were just sat down on the tarmac. And then this was me traveling for 24 hours, tired, jet lagged and all of that.
So I decided to take a nap. And I was woken up by people cheering and clapping. So I was like, okay. So we started moving and the captain announced, wear your seatbelts, we're moving. We got to the gate.
We got down. Again, all my excitement is back on. now. Like I'm going to JFK. As I stepped out of the aircraft onto the jet bridge, I saw a lot of security guards.
This is not like just your regular cops. These were people with huge weapons, with bulletproof vests on, helmets on. You can't even see their face. They were like fully suited up.
A SWAT team. A SWAT team.
Pretty much. But they had nothing written on it or anything. It was just completely black. Wow. So, being so naive, I was like, okay, maybe this is how people are welcomed in the U.S.
on an international flight. By special forces.
Exactly. I'm like, oh, they want to make sure all of them who are coming down are intimidated.
No, who's boss? Welcome, but we're boss.
That's pretty much what I thought. One of the security guards, I don't even know what to call them. Let's just say guards. One of those guards asked us, there's an active gunman at the airport. Oh my God.
All of you guys kneel down.
Oh, why'd they let you guys off the plane?
Being in aviation, I'm assuming the flight crews cannot be in the aircraft for a certain number of hours. So they might have timed out that they should go to the gate. That's what I'm assuming, knowing what I know now, but I don't know what happened there.
Also, perhaps just flights are continuing to land and they can't have airplanes not at the gates.
Yeah, it's probably overcrowded. So we got there and then again, growing up in India, we have our own problems, but gun violence isn't one of those. So we weren't trained on what to do. So I had no clue whatsoever on what to do. I was so flustered.
All of my excitement, freaking, turned into fear. Okay, okay. The guard again goes, you guys have to lay down completely flat. I'm playing a lot of scenarios in my head. I kneel down and then hear somebody scream close to me.
And my heart went out of the roof. I was like, okay, I'm gonna die. I just moved out of my family and I'm gonna die before even seeing New York.
This is what I get for having ambitious dreams. Are you starting to feel guilty? Like, oh, this is my punishment for wanting something.
Pretty much, I'm not even kidding. At one point I thought all my family is gonna have to take care of my student loans now, because I'm dead now.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, my immigrant guilty consciousness went out of the roof. And again, all of this was playing in my head, and then I turned around, this poor old woman had blood gushing out of her face. What? What? So?
what had happened was when I laid down flat, I had kicked her right behind me.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
And I had no idea I did that.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, no, oh, no. You went from the victim to the assailant.
Imagine being a brown man with a beard at the airport, with people with weapons right in front of you.
Oh, my God.
Yes, oh, no.
This is awful. This is so dark to ask this, but do you think, just because she was old, there was no resistance when your foot hit her face? It just kind of, yeah. That you didn't even notice?
For all it's worth, she could be like a 40 year old, looking like a 70 year old. I don't know.
Okay, all right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, white people age a little differently than brown people. Racist, okay.
I can't say that.
I said it, I said it. Second infraction. I only have one infraction, you have two. Yours is times four.
I didn't know what to do, and then I was super scared that I was not even just dead. Now I'm scared that they are not gonna let me inside the US. They're gonna detain me or send me back home because I accidentally broke somebody's face.
You assaulted an elderly woman. Oh my God.
And then I gave that to the guard. I told them I accidentally hit this woman, and they literally took that lady from where we were, and then that guard asked me to still lay down flat. Okay, that's nice. And again, we were still laying down fat for like 30 minutes. At that point, I'm assuming that guard had other things to worry about than me accidentally hitting somebody.
Yeah, yeah.
And that was the last time I saw that lady. And again, if she's listening now, I am extremely sorry. This was an intentional at all.
Yeah, if you're listening and you were a part of an active shooter airport situation where you were then kicked in the nose and escorted off by special forces, this apology is for you.
Yeah, 100%.
Oh my God. And she too, obviously, was returning from India. So she had been on a plane for 24 hours.
Well, it's not India. So the connection is from India to Abu Dhabi and Abu Dhabi to the U.S. So she could just be in Abu Dhabi or she might be taking another flight from another country, so I don't know. But I know she was white.
Okay, that's helpful. That limits us. That gets us down to 200 of the 300 million.
The guard comes back and then says, all of you guys are good to go. That said, no other communication. This was again, 30, 40 minutes after. No communication on what happened with the gunman, what the scenario was, nothing. And I was also in a sense of shock that I was looking at him, he wasn't looking at me, but I was like, even me, after what I just did, I can go walk away?
Yes. I was shocked.
You're like, this is a loosey-goosey country. You can come into the airport active shooter, you can kick some people in the face.
Coming from India, people usually scared that when you go through immigration, that immigration officer has all the right to send you back home. So again, with my anxiety, I was like, okay, the guard had told that immigration officer that I did something. So I'm gonna go through immigration and that immigration officer is gonna catch me and then send me back home.
Yeah, when you stepped up to the immigration, you were probably sweating bullets. They thought you probably keistered like a brick of heroin or something. Wow, but they let you in fine.
They let me in fine.
And did you feel like you really wanted to tell them like, just so you know, I did kick a lady. Well, what if they said, what's your purpose on this visit? And you're like, I just wanted to break an old lady's nose. So I guess I can go home. I'm ready to go.
You have a mission accomplished. Wow. Oh my God, what an incredible story.
And also, while all of this was happening, my family back in India, this is my first trip outside. So they're tracking my flight. They're trying to see where I was, if I made the connection or not. My parents are pretty tech savvy. So they tracked my flight on Google.
It said my flight landed five hours ago, but I haven't communicated to them. So they are freaking the fuck out that I am lost, I am dead or something. And then they try to see what's going on in New York. And then they see that there's an active gunman there before I did.
All their worst nightmares, letting their baby boy go.
I know. And then they're texting all these family friends who are in the U.S. Like, oh, what's going on? What's going to happen? I put out that fire once I crossed immigration.
I started Googling and then just talking to people around. I am not even kidding. There was no gunman.
I know this story, by the way. This was kind of a famous shutting down JFK and there wasn't a gunman. Wait, the what they just thought?
On that day was Olympics. And Usain Bolt was running his hundred meters and he broke this 9.81 world record. And then people are watching that at a bar, I'm assuming. And people were cheering and clapping. I don't know how or who heard it as a gunshot.
And then one led to the other. Somebody mentioned they actually saw a gunman. And then this rumor, false news just spread out and they shut down the whole airport and there was stampede at different terminals. And I was involved in that and it broke a poor lady's face.
Oh, my God. Maybe they heard the starter pistol of Usain Bolt taking off from the block. Or like a big clap. Some people clap really loud. Maybe someone broke their glass.
They were sort of such a big fan of him. Wow, you're so cute.
Oh, thank you.
And this whole six foot five thing, are you finding that the American gals love you here?
The Dallas gals?
I am married now, but I had my fair.
Okay, great. You had a fun time.
Yeah, I lived in New York too.
Sure, it's easy pickings over there. 12 million to pick from.
Yeah, and there's a lot of sim moments in this story too. So my dad texted me on August 15th of this year saying it's been seven years since you moved to the US. And then I was revisiting this moment. And then my wife sends me this prompt saying, worst trip to the US. you should put in on that day.
Wow. And then I put in that day.
That is crazy. Very sim. Wow. Now does just your wife listen to the show, or do you listen to the show as well?
She was the one who introduced me to the show. I'm a big fan of Formula One. So she sent me the Daniel Riccardo episode. And then, from that day, I have just been a big, huge fan. We listened to every episode together.
Oh.
And she's right here. if you guys wanna say hi. Yes. She's my technical support. Hi.
Hi.
I am such a huge fan. I don't know if y'all can hear me. Yes.
Yes, and are you from Georgia or somewhere? Where are you from?
I was born and raised in Texas.
Texas. Texas. The great state of Texas.
I'm from Austin. So I know y'all love Austin. Yeah.
We sure do. Where'd you meet this babe? Yeah. He's such a babe.
I know, right? Yes. I told him that Dax would probably comment on how good looking he is.
Yes, and the whole six. five of it all. I had no idea. Yeah, he's taller than me.
Thanks for boosting my ego, Dax.
It's so funny because Indian people are known to be short.
Exactly.
And I'm five, seven, which is pretty tall for an Indian woman. There is. And so my family has always been like, you're never gonna find a husband that's taller than you. And I brought him home, so it was great.
If you procreate, you might have the first Indian power forward in the NBA.
Or WNBA.
Or WNBA. Great, great. Love that. Either or would work. Love that.
But yes, this could be a real. Or just a giant. First Indian giant. First Indian giant, yeah. That could be.
I'm sure there's been. Nope. I mean, we're going back. The Indus Valley. We're talking.
6,000 years ago. They had to have produced a giant. Nope. No? Okay.
I know there was one who was participating in the WWE who was like seven foot five or something.
Oh, and there's also a very famous Indian bodybuilder. He was in one of my bodybuilding documentaries and he was not eating beef, which is most of these bodybuilders are eating six, seven pounds of beef a day. So it was harder for him.
And I'm a vegetarian too.
It's not slowed down your growth at all.
Well, it's so nice meeting both of you. Thanks so much for that incredible story.
Same here. Thank you so much. Take care, you guys.
Okay, be well. Oh my God, I love them. Oh my God. Those are some cute Indian people. Yes.
Third time. That was a third time. They're just people, Monica.
I'm allowed, Dax.
This is the thing you don't understand.
No, you have to play by the exact rules I do, or you're a racist. You feel like you can do what I do. Oh, that was so funny. He was a great storyteller. Absolutely.
What a left turn. You already have an A-plus story in that there's an active shooter at JFK. And then you fucking karate kick. He heard a scream, and it was because he kicked an old lady. Oh my God, and it scared him.
He was the victim of his own assault. God, thinking about my dad coming here, and it's like exciting, ugh. The only thing you and I and Robbie have to compare it to is coming to California, but that's gotta be like one-tenth of the fantasy. You know what American culture is. Yes, yes.
It's just so different. Here's Jessica. Jessica. The parents, I cannot imagine. Can't even imagine them at home.
Your parents, yeah, and they're one step removed. Exactly.
Hello.
Hello. We don't see you.
Hang on, I'm just gonna set up my little recording part.
Are you New Zealand-y?
I'm in New Zealand. Yeah.
Yeah, Kiwi Nation. Oh, hello. Yay, now we can see you. What time is it there, Jessica?
Oh my gosh, it's 6.07 a.m.
Oh, that's dreadful. Thank you for waking up so early.
It's fine, I'm an early bird.
Oh, okay, great. Okay, do you know David? We have to ask. Do you know David Farrier?
Listen, I actually used to work where he worked. No. I'm in Auckland, and I used to work at the same network that he used to work at. I was in sales. He's obviously, was a cool guy, a journalist, so I didn't really have anything to do with him.
And he's also got face blindness, so he wouldn't recognize me. He won't.
I'm gonna be honest with you, because I asked him, he does not have female body blindness. Oh, okay. Uh-huh, so I think he can remember people's figures.
Okay, good, well, I was 25, so I was kind of a little bit more top-notch than maybe he recognized. Stop it.
So, Jessica, you had an ill-fated trip to the U.S.?
I was nervous this week, because I was thinking, well, it's not a really terrible story, but it was a crazy story for our first experience in arriving in the States. Just to set the scene, this was in 2014,. my husband and I were on our honeymoon. We hadn't left the country really, apart from Australia and Fiji, which is three hours away from us. The culture is pretty similar.
So we went in a little bit naive about, I guess, the bigness that is the U.S.A.
Yeah, yeah.
So we were flying into L.A., we arrived at 6 a.m., and it was dead quiet. We went really fast through customs. We came out through the other side, and I thought, okay, there's gonna be taxis lined up, there's gonna be everything waiting for us, and then literally, there was nothing. Is that normal?
None of that's normal. Normally it's quite busy, normally it takes forever to get to, L.A.'s border is the worst of all the airports I've landed in. This is all weird.
We were just looking around, being like, okay, well, how do we get to our hotel here? Keep in mind, Uber was relatively new, I think, and especially in New Zealand. We're a little bit of a late adopters. We're walking around looking for how we could get out of this airport. We just go find a phone book, and literally out of nowhere, this man appears.
He's in a nice suit. Uh-oh. And he says, are you guys looking for a ride? Oh no. And we said, oh my gosh, we are.
And he says, oh, I'm a driver, I have my car in the car park, would you like a ride? We had been traveling for about 17 hours, I think, by this point, and we just thought, that sounds great. Trusting Kiwis. You know, when I'm at home, if someone said they were a taxi driver and offered me a ride, I wouldn't question it, right? I would just go, yeah.
There's no real need to query the intention.
Oh. Oh, God, America.
He has a big escalade. So I think the truth is, he is a driver in some capacity.
Yes, this is what they do. sometimes. They're there on a run, they drop someone off, they're like, hey, I could probably pick up another 60 bucks before I get my next call.
Yeah, 60 bucks would have been lovely. Uh-oh. We jump in the car, get all our stuff in. He says, where are you guys going? We say, West Hollywood, we're staying at the Standard.
We start driving out of the airport, and he says, by the way, you're really lucky. This used to be Michael Jackson's personal car that I drove him around in. Wait, what? And my husband's a big MJ fan, he was like, what? And we were like, wow, that's so cool.
It's already happening. You're coming to Hollywood, you're already sitting where Michael Jackson's at. This is perfect.
We're thinking, whoa, we've scored, right?
Yes, yes.
And he's saying, yeah, yeah, I drove him for years and years, and here, take a look at this video. Uh-oh. So we think, ooh. He said, this is when we got swarmed by the paparazzi and we were stuck in a car park. Now, I thought we'd be seeing a video from the inside of a car, right?
Right, that would make sense.
He, however, passes us a phone, and it's a TMZ video of a car being swarmed. Michael Jackson is in the car, but he is definitely not the driver.
Oh, okay. And you can tell.
You can tell, it was a completely different person. So he says, you know, look at me there, I'm stuck in the car, we can't get out, we were there for an hour, like, tells us an elaborate story, and my husband and I look at each other like, he's not right.
Oh, God. Or he's had massive facial reconstructive surgery.
Everything was different.
Okay, changed his skin color, maybe even. Ethnicity, everything was different. Right, a full reboot, page one rewrite. Okay, but Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson, that's right, he already had a reboot.
We decide, just sort of like telepathically, we're gonna go along with this, because we're now locked in this car. So we just nod and say, okay, great. We've got all our bags in the boot or trunk. We don't wanna risk losing everything for our six week trip. I then ask, how far is it to Hollywood?
And he says, oh, we're not going to Hollywood. It's far too early for you to check in. And I said, we can just drop our bags and go for breakfast. And he says, no, no, no, no. We're only on the way to Malibu.
now. I'm gonna take you on a big tour. No.
No. Oh my God. No, no, no, oh my God.
We say, oh, we don't need that. We're really tired. We just wanna go to the hotel. He said, oh, this is the perfect time. There's no traffic.
You're not gonna get out to Malibu any other way. And my husband goes, how much more is this gonna cost us? Because we hadn't even really talked about price. And he goes, don't even worry about it. You're new to the country.
We're gonna drive around.
Oh, I'm so, I have so much anxiety.
We head to Malibu and on the way there, he says, listen, let me pass you my personal photographs of my time with Michael. Also, my time with Slash. I was his driver from Guns N' Roses. I used to babysit his kids. You can look through that album.
And then we think, maybe he just looks different. Cause if he's got a personal album, he passes us a clear file. And within that, magazine, cutouts of Michael Jackson. Magazine, cutouts of Slash.
This is very scary. Yes, this is a crazy person.
My husband and I are just staring at each other like, oh my God, what have we done? Like, what is gonna happen here? And I start getting quite panicked. I'm a bit of an overthinker. I jump to the worst.
I think we're gonna be killed. We're gonna be a headline. First time travelers killed an hour within arriving in LA.
Murdered by Michael Jackson's maybe driver. Did you know about 911?? Yes.
Okay. But I didn't want to escalate anything prematurely.
I was just writing about this. So when you're in these situations where, well, especially like violent ones, you would think you'd be like, oh my God, this is terrible. I'm getting shoved around. But really your brain goes, thank God, I'm not getting hit. So I just got to prevent this from escalating to getting hit.
And if you're getting hit, you go, we just can't get choked to death. You would just immediately.
You live a little.
Yes.
It was so weird how my husband and I were communicating in a way, without words, of just sort of looking at each other and going, we are just appeasing the situation. We're just gonna nod along because really, I felt like my life depended on it. He felt like we're gonna get robbed, right? So he didn't really ever feel physically threatened where I thought we're dead. You know, we play along with the photos, which are literally magazine cutouts.
And maybe a signed headshot from Slash, but I feel like you don't have to have worked for Slash to get a signed headshot.
No.
And we pull up in this, I guess it's a driveway. It's sandy, it's a bit dusty. And he says, look, there's a walkway straight down there. Walk down there and you'll be at Suzanne Somers' house. And it's kind of apparent to me, he's got quite an obsession with the nineties.
I was just gonna say, he is stuck in the nineties. By the way, you're in Malibu. Like Leonardo DiCaprio's there, but he's taking you to Suzanne Somers.
I was like, oh, step by step. Okay, I remember that show. It's like one of those things where, if I was watching someone do this, I would be saying, why are you gonna walk down that track?
Also, then now you can get out.
Yeah, so we think we can get out because we can't open it from the inside. So he lets us out and we just start walking. I catch up to my husband, I'm like, what are we doing? How do we get out of this situation? And he says, all our stuff's in the back.
I don't know, like, do we just cut our losses? And we're having this little back and forth. And then I hear him in the background say, easy money, easy money. And he's spoken to someone that he can see, but we can't see. And that is the moment where I go, I'm gonna get shot in the head.
I just panic and I stop and I say, I don't care about Suzanne Summers. And the guy says, okay. I don't care about Suzanne.
No disrespect to Suzanne, but just in that moment, that's not what you care about.
I just was like, I have to get to the car. So I turn around and start going back and my husband catches up and he's like, what are you doing? I was like, he's gonna kill us. He just said, easy money. And he says, he's not gonna kill us.
I said, calm down. The man is waiting back by the car at this point. And I said, I just wanna get to the hotel. This is really far out of where we're meant to be. This feels strange.
And he's like, okay, okay, calm down.
Like you're lame.
Yeah, it's you. Yeah, like now I'm the crazy, weird girl. We get back in the car because really there's not much other choice, right? I guess there is, but at the time, there's not much other choice. Yeah, I've had my little irrational moment of like, I'm gonna die and then I've calmed down that I haven't died.
So we get back in the car, we start driving and he says, but do you know what? We're so close to Mel Gibson's house. And my husband goes, no, mate, take us to the hotel. And he says, but you can see the big cross from the Passion of the Christ. Apparently, on his front lawn, there was a big giant cross.
Yeah, I think he even has his own church up there somewhere.
Yeah, something like that. And he doesn't listen. He drives us all the way out there. And then he says, okay, now we'll go to Hollywood. I'm like, oh my God, thank God.
So we drive in Hollywood and then he fakes a phone call. And no, it's fake. The phone does not ring. It does not light up. He just picks it up and he goes, hey, Michael.
And I think, oh my God, he thinks Michael's alive.
What? Oh my God. Oh, oh my God.
He goes, no problem, no problem. I can drop that off. Just one side of conversation we can hear. There's no other voice coming through.
He hangs up and I go, was that Michael Jackson? Just like testing the lunacy. He goes, no, Michael Bolton. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. So he's pulling in another 90s reference.
He and Kenny G are having breakfast and he needs his attache case.
He says, Michael Bolton. I drive for him. sometimes. He's left his passport in the car. And he says, and you know what?
I've just had a good idea. We're not gonna go to the hotel yet. We're gonna go to the Hollywood cemetery, where all the stars are buried.
And you will be buried there too.
And I thought this is maybe where we actually die. At this point, my husband's getting quite agitated and he's like, just take us to the hotel. He might have said a few other things as well, but he was just getting quite agitated. I was so anxious. And he says, but this is your only opportunity.
You're in Michael Jackson's car. Only celebrity plates are allowed in that cemetery.
Oh, my God.
It's an invisible gate.
Invisible gate.
Yeah, as you drive in, only if you have number plates that are celebrity, you're allowed access. We get to the cemetery. We were just so over this, so tired, so hungry, so airplane yucky, just wanted to get out of the car. I remember this. My husband doesn't remember, but I remember him going, beep, beep, like making a beep with his mouth, as if he was getting the special access.
No, no, no, no. It had scanned the plates and access was granted.
However, at this point, people are up and on their morning walks and stuff like that. And there are other people around that cemetery and he's driving through. And then he gets a bit disheartened because we're not amazed and we feel his mood shift. And that's when I get a lot more anxious. And so I flip into people pleaser.
Wow, oh my gosh, is that Marilyn Monroe? Feeling that I need to pick his spirits up in order for us to kind of get out of this situation.
Look, I know I'm one track mind. Everything goes through my filter and I always think this, but I have to say, my guess is this guy was high when he got you and his high is starting to fade. And he's turning agitated. Because the whole thing feels very fucking druggie right up to this point. And the fact that now he's turning feels right.
It feels more than druggie because of the like cutouts. I feel like this more than just drugs. Yes, agreed. But the idea in his mind and he was able to sell it is so positive that we're going to Malibu. That part is what feels very druggie.
Like, yeah, who gives a fuck? Let's go to Malibu. Like we're in this car, let's do this.
Maybe to your point, he's coming down or something and he says, fine, let's go to your hotel. He pulls up by the standard. He doesn't go all the way up. And he just says, okay, guys, that's going to be $500..
Oh, my God.
That's pretty much all the cash that we have gotten out to have the first part of our trip. My husband goes, for what? He says, I just gave you an exclusive tour. You went to Malibu. You went to Mel Gibson's.
You had the chance to see Suzanne Summer's house. You had exclusive access to the Hollywood cemetery and you're in Michael Jackson's car. I've shown you my personal photographs of Michael Jackson. This is a tour that not everyone can get and we pay him the money. Yeah.
At that point, you're like, I'd pay a million dollars.
to get out of this situation. You had to, yeah, get out. To get out of this situation. And he pulls up closer to the hotel. at this point.
He unloads us all. He like peels off. We're left standing there with our bags, just sort of like, what happened? This bellboy comes over, like a real LA long hair, like, hey, wow, you came. I think he called it a town car.
You in a town car? Something like that. And we tell him the story and he just goes, oh, dude, you should have got an Uber.
Oh my God. Thanks, bro.
I just was like, is this what America is now? The whole trip, we were so on guard. We didn't really trust anyone. We Ubered everywhere. We didn't get taxis.
We had to have it on the app. In my hindsight, I wonder if he just really saw us coming. He maybe does this hustle. He believes that people will believe these are his personal photos. He gets you a little bit scared enough that you're not gonna really like fight up against him, and then he gets a really good payday.
Or, to your point, he was a bit high and thought this could be quite fun and he could make some money.
Well, I mean, the fact that he was kind of hanging around the international terminal is a little telling that it's probably a scam. I think it's a hustle that he does. I mean, he has an Escalade. We lost, Jessica. Oh, no.
I think I've lost you.
We didn't get to say goodbye. Boy, sad, we'd lost Jessica right at the moment we were concluding, but we did get the entire story. Oh, my God. She started off by saying this isn't that bad, but just crazy, but that is bad. Yes, yes, yes.
Oh. Full blown scammed, oh man. I've been in many of those. You have? Yes, when you go downtown to buy drugs, you end up with people on weird trips and you're like, what is happening?
Why are we going to this house? When is the person gonna show up with this or that? Yeah, I mean, that's a tricky thing, because you know you're entering a situation where people don't have all their wits. Yes, but in general, if you ask anyone downtown at 3 a.m. for drugs, odds are, they too are a drug addict, so they're like, yeah, this is gonna be my way of getting free drugs, and they're saying, yes, I know a guy, but they might really need to check four or five different places.
They're just as lost as you are. Yeah, I guess, I mean, if you know you're in the drug game, I guess you know you have to expect some craziness. Yes, true, true. But wow, but not her. No, no.
She's just trying to have fun at LA. Bright and early at LAX. The hustle's. one thing. That feels kind of standard, to be honest, like getting this car, it's off the books.
It's the Michael Jackson. Exactly. It's the photos in the car. It's Suzanne Sommer. Well, it's one thing.
if they just drive you to the place and then say it's $500, because that's the normal scam, but to take you all over the fucking city, say, beep, beep, you have special access to this invisible gate. Yes, and then the cutouts. There's almost like a weird stalkery piece, like maybe he does believe that he was friends with them. Yeah. Oh.
Oh, boy. Scary. I hope he's not operating a town car anymore in LA. Those were really good stories. They really were.
On behalf of everyone here in this wonderful country. I love, the United States, we do apologize for these visits. you four had, but keep coming. Keep on coming. All right, love you.
Bye.
Do you wanna sing a tune or something? We don't have a theme song. Oh. Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go.
We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of armchairs, we'll get some suggestions.
On the fly, I rhyme-ish. On the fly, I rhyme-ish. Enjoy.
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