Synced: Martini Mission
2024-02-07 00:48:06
Hi, I’m Dax Shepard, and I love talking to people. I am endlessly fascinated by the messiness of being human, and I find people who are vulnerable and honest about their struggles and shortcomings to be incredibly sexy. I invite you to join me as I explore other people’s stories. We will celebrate, above all, the challenges and setbacks that ultimately lead to growth and betterment. What qualifies me for such an endeavor? More than a decade of sobriety, a degree in Anthropology and four years of improv training. I will attempt to discover human “truths” without any laboratory work, clinical trials or data collection. I will be, in the great tradition of 16th-century scientists, an Armchair Expert.
Good morning. Good morning.
How are you?
Good. You look cute today.
Thanks. So do you. I like your outfit. You have your new little shorts that I bought. You bought.
I bought. No.
That you bought in my presence. I did. Yeah, we had a fun shopping trip. We did. I loved it.
And I teased it on a fact check. Oh. Dax was asking what I did that weekend. I said we went shopping, and then there was a story that we were going to tell on Synced, and so I didn't say the name of the place. Good.
And so I'm going to keep that place under wraps, but- Should we? But he's going to listen. Okay. Well, I don't know how to handle this. Okay.
So we're going to do it anyway. I walk in to the store, and you were there already, and I saw, as soon as I walk in, I see that you're engaged with a man who works there. I don't want to enter the conversation, so I just start looking at clothes, and then I text you, I'm here, and you're like, me too, and I was like, yeah, I see, you. Just come here. But you were still in an enraptured conversation, and then you came over, and I was like, do you know him?
Because I thought, oh, maybe Liz knows that person. The way you were conversing, it really seemed like you knew him, and then you didn't. You were just chit-chatting, waiting for me, and then you felt that he was a little overbearing.
Yes, overly familiar.
And now we're worried because we did end up telling him about our podcast.
But now he'll really know. I think you should cut that part out, because we could have gone to a bunch of different. I mean, he listens. He's going to know. Oh, my God.
Do you think he really is going to listen, though? But this is- Oh, fuck.
What I was thinking about the other day, I was like, this is a good story, because there's a lot of meatiness to it, because, Monica, let me come into the changing room with her, which is a new-.
It's a big level. Well, she kind of snuck her way in. Well, no.
Forced her way in?
A little bit.
I actually went into the other one, and you were like, no, you can come in mine. And I was like, oh, my God. This is the best day of my life. And so then you even changed in front of me, which I didn't look. I looked to the ground so that you would feel comfortable.
That's nice.
But I was really excited on the inside. Not sexually, but-.
No, because you felt like I trusted you. Yes.
To me, these are landmark moments. Experiencing them brings me a lot of joy. But yeah, so once we were in the changing room, I just started realizing what was happening. I was like, oh, my God, this guy's now following us around and talking to us. I'm looking in the future, of how this interaction's going to end.
He's going to try and get my- Just the awkwardness of it all. And then you were best friends with him.
You let him believe that you were interested, not romantically or anything, but just that you were interested in conversing at all. Right.
And all we did was talk about you. That was why I was so enraptured and interested. That may have given him the impression that I feel about him, the way I feel about you, but I don't. And so then we were in the changing room, and then you were like, look. When someone says, like, do you need help?
And then we did-.
We did a role play. We did a role play. I taught you.
You taught me how to respond. And so you keep looking at what you're looking at. You say, oh, no, no, thank you. And then you turn around right away.
That's right.
You turn around right away.
No, no, I'm good. I'm just looking. Thank you. Yeah. You can make a very quick eye contact with a smile.
Say, oh, thank you. No, I'm good. I'm just looking. Then you immediately go back to your clothes.
But then we went to another store where there was a very different vibe going on with you and the salesperson. Oh.
Well, I didn't have a vibe with him.
No, but you were way more friendly. The both of us were. We were, like, best friends with him. I mean, not best friends, but we were having a lot of fun. Well, okay.
So I was trying stuff on. You were waiting outside. And then, this nice man, he just brought you a jacket to try on.
We can't go into such detail. He's going to listen. I don't want to hurt his feelings.
Look, it's not him. It's you. Yes, that's right.
If you're listening, it's not you. It's me.
It's not. I think we get ourselves, a lot of women, and you're one of them, get yourselves stuck. And I've done this, too, stuck in situations that you don't mean to be in because of friendliness. Right. Because we think we have to be so friendly, and then you end up, like, getting sort of followed around the store, and then he brought you a jacket to try on, but you weren't going to buy it or anything.
No. It did look really cute on you.
It did, but it's never going to happen.
That's how I let you in, because I could tell things were going badly. I could tell in your voice that you, at that point, didn't like the amount of attention. And so then I said, you can come in this dressing room with me.
How can you tell? The high pitch?
Yeah, maybe it's about the pitch, or I think I just know you. But there was another man working there, and then this happened again at another store. And this is not fair, but these people were gay men, and there's no problem chit-chatting with them. I don't feel like I have to do my thing of being in my bubble. You were totally different.
Yeah, because there's no threat at all of it turning into something. But then it's like, can't just two straight people have regular interactions? I think they can.
I think we should. I think that would solve a lot of problems. But it's like, how do you... Yeah. Oh, it's.
so... What's the solution?
I don't think there is one. I think currently it's the way of the world.
I will say my ground on this. I think it's good that men do go up to women in public. I don't think we should just be on apps all day, and that that's how we should be meeting. I do think people should be meeting. Again, nothing inappropriate happened.
So then he did show up at the coffee shop. No, we can't put this right.
No, we can't put this right.
No, we are. No, it was just funny because then we went to this coffee shop. This was just hilarious because we were talking about just these dynamics of straight men versus gay men and our interactions with them. when you're single. That's another thing.
If you're in a relationship or if you're married, this goes out the window.
Right.
It's about the idea or threat that this might turn into something or that someone will think it could turn into something. So we were talking about all this, we went to this coffee shop right down the street and we were waiting for the matcha and he just showed up there.
Did you tell him you were going there? No. He bugged the dressing room? No.
He happened to go there. It was a coincidence. He even said, he said, I'm not following you guys, which was funny. It was funny. It was funny.
It was funny.
But I feel so bad in my body right now that he's going to listen. It's not him. Yes.
And if he listens, thank you for listening. By the way, it sounds like we're like, ew, and we have a podcast. That's not what happened. The other salesperson said, oh, I love your show. And then we started talking about that.
He wanted to know about the show. Right.
But we love you. We don't. Okay. Sorry.
No, see, you're doing it. Yeah, but I don't.
Okay. So how do we manage? Real time. I know. How do I?
You have to get over needing to be so liked.
I feel like I'm hurting him right now. It's not about.
Then let's be really clear. Okay. This is not him. It was just an example of how we interact differently with different people and their sexual orientation, unfortunately, it kind of makes a part. It does.
Yes. I think this is common for single people. I don't think this is. Yeah. Oh, my God.
I had a dream. I just remember, Liz, I was so mad at you last night in my dream.
Yeah. Oh, no. Don't worry.
It hasn't translated to real life.
What did I do?
You, like, seduced Jimmy Kimmel.
The best boy?
Yeah. I think it's because we've been talking a lot about him, because he's the best boy.
Cool guy. Sexy man.
He's all three. Exactly. He's the only one that's all three. But you met him. Okay.
Oh, you know how dreams get complex? Yeah. I was with you. We were at a taping of a show or something. And then you had, like, a look on your face, kind of like the voice thing that I know about you.
You had a look on your face. And I was like, what's going on? And then you're like, well, we hung out yesterday. And I was like, Liz, oh, my God. He's married.
And we like his wife. And even if we don't, it's not good. And he kind of kept looking, like, over at you, too. So he fell in love with you. You kind of seduced him the day before.
You'd only hung out once. But then you were like, I'm taking him. You, like, really, you were then dead, set on it. And I was trying to trap you in a space so that you wouldn't. You had, like, balloons and stuff.
Oh, nice.
Sweet. And you were, like, going to go to him. And I was like, no.
That's my move. I go with balloons. Yeah. It's sexy.
Yeah. I just remember that. How weird. Maybe because I knew we were recording today. And then a lot of Jimmy talk lately.
Sometimes I will be telling a story. And you'll be like, lit. Like, you'll, like, assume this. And I'm like, no. But I also understand why you would assume that.
That you are being flirty. Is that what it is?
Well, sometimes I think I get myself into situations that are unexpected. So how are we going to, have you forgiven me?
Yeah. Tonight, I'll see how it goes with our dream selves. I'm not so sure where we're at. But in real life, we're great.
Okay, great. Thank God.
We have last week's pin.
I know. Thank you. I've been thinking about that. But thank you. Oh, my God.
Thank you. Brunch pin is also on my mind. Did we fully cover?
I still feel horrible. I'm going to have tummy aches for a week over this.
It was fine. It wasn't him. But it was interesting that our demeanor changes. Because I don't think he was flirting or anything. I think he was just being very, like, friendly.
But when you date guys and you're available, everything becomes, oh, no. Do they think I like them? And half of the time, it's not even happening, I don't think. Like, no one's thinking that. But it can always be on your mind.
It can always happen. And so many friendships, you know, there's that whole meme of, like, the guy that's about to ruin the friendship. And it's like, he'll just be like, I can just talk to you. Like, when they start saying the things that you know is like, uh-oh, it's a sign that they're going to, like, start revealing their love to you. And again, I think you should tell people when you like them.
I'm pro-interacting with people. And the thing that I try and remember, because even sometimes, okay, this is... Dating apps. I feel guilty.
In what way?
Yesterday, like, this person just wrote this, like, really thoughtful, like, what they like, you know, about my... It seems like you're really blah, blah, blah. And, like, what's really left to... And then I just was looking at the person, I was like, can I get myself to... And I was like, no, I can't.
And then I felt this wave of guilt wash over me. But then I remembered, I told myself, men are used to being rejected way more than women are. It's kind of part of the whole game, right? And Rob, tell me if I'm wrong. And I'm not saying it's easy, but it's part of the sort of seduction thing is that men are hitting on way more women in that process to know that they'll get rejected.
And actually, I think that makes them more equipped for...
Yeah, and confident.
To sort of, again, engage in public or engage with people that they don't know. Whereas I'm very sensitive, I think, to rejection and, you know, make a whole story about it. So it helped me think about the fact that these men, they don't feel it in the same way that I would feel it.
Well, also, you just shouldn't feel guilt about not being interested. You can't control that. There's nothing to feel guilty about. Guilt comes when you've done something actionably wrong. You can't help it.
That's a good point.
The brunch pin. Yeah. The brunch pin is from last week. Big cliffhanger. Huge.
We went to brunch and we got on this conversation that I think is important. You are with some non-single friends. And we're always with non-single friends. We are. You made the astute point that when you're with non-singles, the first thing they ask often is about your dating life.
And they're almost, like, drooling. They're, like, chomping at the bit. It's entertainment.
Entertain me. It's like, so what's going on? You know? They want it to be good. Like, I'm not saying they want, like, a catastrophe or, like, a car crash.
But they want, like, details.
Also, could we be generous that they're sort of living vicariously?
I think so, 100%. But there's a superiority. Because it's a mix of entertainment and pity.
There's a little pity.
Because then, most of the time, if you're still single, the stories aren't going to be great. Right? Yeah. It's like, if you're in a relationship, then that's it. But if you're talking about...
And again, some dates are great, but most of them, there's a reason why it didn't work out. Yeah. And so usually, what ends up happening is that they, like, what's going on? And they're frothing at the mouth. And then all they get is really horrible.
Just a bad story that you have to tell.
And dating stories, even the bad ones, like, it would be almost better if they were dramatic and interesting. But, like, it's usually like, yeah, and then I never heard from him ever again. Or then he just kind of, like, wasn't putting in a lot of effort. And it's usually just a down...
Doo-doo-doo.
Exactly. It's dun-dun-pfft. Yeah. Like, it's not... So then they're not satisfied.
Because that's not what they wanted. They wanted something that's, like, fun and juicy. And then both of you feel bad. That's how I feel, like that question usually goes. Now I feel bad and now you feel bad because I feel bad.
And then you end up giving me, like, a weird pep talk about how I'm going to find the one. That's the thing. Which then the superiority comes in. Exactly.
It always leads to the person who is in a relationship imparting some advice. Which is tough. Because they started it. That's the thing. It's like, I didn't ask for advice.
And even one day, like, you know, you'll be happy and you're like, I was happy before.
you asked me this question. Yeah.
I'm actually fine. And now, because I'm primed to think about all the things that aren't working out in this part of my life. And I think the flip side would be so inappropriate. Right? For me to be like, tell me about what's going on with John's lack of erections.
You're sex flying.
Yes. Married sex flying. Totally. Invasive. It would feel very invasive.
And so it's almost like we're on display because we're single.
I mean, this isn't all my friends. Also, they mean well.
They do.
They're just checking in on our lives. But it's true that the reverse doesn't necessarily. I mean, sometimes it does. I have friendships where we talk about their marriages. And in that case, I don't mind as much because it feels more equal.
And also, I think you're coming in not from a place of wanting details, but from a place of hearing about how she's feeling. It's not for like the gossip of their inner conflicts.
In any other area of life, if a friend is looking for a job, you wouldn't immediately like first thing, you sit down, so how's the job hunt? Or, by the way, if you are doing that, you shouldn't do that, because you would know if they had a job. So the job hunt's not going well.
Like you, already have the answer. And also, if I am dating someone, that I'm excited, if things are going well, you will know about it. Like you, don't have to prompt me. It will come up in conversation. The thing that again, I noticed as we were talking through it was like, Monica never asks me that question.
We will be out together for hours and dating will just not be... Again, it can totally come up. Oh, what happened with that guy? It'll come up tangentially, sort of from other conversations. But there are so many other things that you're going to ask me about my life.
It is not the entree. No.
It's like the sprinkles. You treat it like. it's not the most important thing that's happening in my life. And I think that tone and intention... Because it's not.
It's not. I love it and I appreciate it so much. And I love how little we end up talking about it in the way that I don't like. Like. I think we do end up talking about relationships and dating and all kinds of stuff.
But I don't ever feel that heaviness to it. Or again, that sort of subtext.
Yeah. I mean, it could be just because we're in the same position. But I wonder if we end up in relationships, if we'll do that. I think people get amnesia. They were just single and feeling the exact same way.
And then, as soon as they're in a relationship... You forget. Forget.
I remember being in a relationship, particularly one of them, where, for some reason, I thought we had such a great relationship. And like it was great, but also not perfect in any sense. And it's over. So, like, you know, there were definitely issues. Where I had almost a sense of superiority over even some of my friends that were in relationships where, like I, felt they were being treated as good as I was.
I'm sure that happens. Yes.
And now that I look back, I'm like, oh my God, that must have been so... Again, I'm sure people felt it, in the tone or whatever. Because society also rewards you for being in a relationship. Yes. Like, you've won, especially, I think, for women.
Even though this is wrong, the headline is you've been picked.
Yes.
And that's why it's not the same for men, because they're the ones doing the picking. But it's all fucked up and not true and wrong. But there's still this thread hovering a little bit.
Totally inescapable. And then I was like, well, so what are the like? rules? For people? Well, not rules, obviously, but the recommendation, I guess.
Maybe talk about other stuff.
Yes. It'll come up. It'll come up, like what's bringing you joy? And then like, if they're not bringing up anything related to dating, that's because it's not.
So you might not want to ask. Maybe the question is, so what's been going on?
I think I'm no longer telling my friends about first dates. That's your new rule? Like no one knows. Because that's what kind of leads to this, like, so what happened to...
That's so true.
Sometimes you don't even really remember and you're like, oh, right. And then I have to remember this person and remember what happened. It ends up bringing those things top of mind when they're not. So yeah, I've been thinking about the first date no talking rule.
Okay, I love that. I don't know, that's one strategy. I get it.
It's also on us, not on us.
Yes, I was just about to say that. We can't control what they're going to do. They might just ask. So then maybe some safeguards on the other side of not talking about every little thing that happens.
But that's so fun.
Support for Synced comes from Open. Listen, if you want to know the secret to a happier 2024, it's Breathwork.
It's the new everything.
It's the new, everything. It is. Now. we know. You're working on some breath stuff.
Sure am.
It's just so remarkable how much you can do with your breath.
It can regulate your entire body. It does regulate your entire body.
It does. And it was better than doing a whole therapy session. I woke up that morning not feeling great, and then the rest of my day was so much different just because I did that class.
I like doing the Stillness for Sleep. It's five minutes. It's a super easy class. And then I just feel like the day is released.
Oh, and you feel completely different. Yeah. Like you'll lay down and like your mind is just going. And then, after the meditation, it's almost...
It puts you in a different mindset. It does. If you want to get on our daily routine, you can get 30 days free of Open by visiting withopen.com slash Synced. Again, 30 days free by visiting withopen.com slash Synced. Support for Synced comes from Vegamour.
We love Vegamour.
We were just talking about that. I'm always talking about Vegamour.
You got your hair cut. It looks so fresh, so nice.
I cut it myself.
You gave yourself a haircut and you're keeping it really healthy with Vegamour. Yes.
I use their serum. I use that brush at night. I keep it on my nightstand and I'll just brush myself to sleep.
It's so good for your scalp.
It's really nice.
And the Grow Hair Serum.
Don't get me started.
I can always tell by the ends of my hair when I'm on that Grow Hair Serum. First of all, my hair is just so long.
Every time I see you, I'm like, what is happening?
I know. It's so long, but it's because of the serum and it's healthy. It's not just like drab.
Yeah, it's beautiful. Your hair is amazing. So elevate your hair wellness routine this year with Vegamour. For a limited time, get 20% off your first subscription order by going to Vegamour.com slash Synced and use code Synced at checkout. That's V-E-G-A-M-O-U-R.com slash Synced.
Code Synced to save 20% off your first order. V-E-G-A-M-O-U-R.com slash Synced. Code Synced.
Okay, I'm going to pivot because I am currently on a hunt for a martini shaker. Oh. Because I made two martinis this weekend.
You did.
Okay, obviously this started. Well, I love martinis, but I never felt like I needed to make them necessarily, although I have some beautiful martini glasses, so that's always fun. Here's a present hack for people, gift hack. Let's say we're on vacation together or something, and we go to a fun bar that we love and it's like fancy and cute for your birthday. This isn't relevant to you because you don't drink anymore.
But if you did, or maybe I would still do this because you could drink Sprite out of it. Then if that bar sells glasses, then buy that. Like. I have two martini glasses from Bemelman's Bar in New York, which is my favorite bar in the world. And then I have two from the Connaught in London that also had a beautiful bar.
that I stayed there for a week and it's a memory too.
You're so good at gifts.
I love giving gifts.
That's such a great idea, because what you're so good at is you give very personalized gifts.
It's important thoughtfulness.
How do you do it?
Well, I just like it. Rob's like that too. He's very, very good at giving gifts. I mean, it's ultimately selfish. It's just I like the feeling of putting that puzzle together.
It's a puzzle. Right. It's an art.
It's an art. It's a puzzle. It's a science. It's a girl math. So yes.
Anyway, all to say, I have some nice martini glasses. and then I was on YouTube Friday night looking for a recipe and a video of Emma Watson popped up. It was a Vogue.
I think I saw this video. Her and her brother? Yes.
Oh, my God.
She has a new alcohol company. And so she was on British Vogue making some drinks with her new gin. And then her brother was making one with her. But anyway, the first one she made was an espresso martini. And I was like, I'm going to make that today.
But I was overwhelmed because I don't know how to make espresso. I don't know. But then I remembered I have an espresso machine. So I made it. I Instacarted a chocolate liqueur.
Oh, wow. All nine yards.
I know. I know. So I made it. It was delicious. It was so good.
The problem is, I only have the stir apparatus. Some martinis are meant to be shaken and some are meant to be stirred.
Okay.
And so I have from Bemelman's, I have the stirring situation cover, but I don't have a shaker. And the espresso martini needs a shaker. So it tasted so good, but I can only give it a seven because it didn't have the consistency it was supposed to have. So now I'm on the hunt. Oh, and then on Sunday I made a regular martini, my martini gin.
I used to get it without vermouth, but I'm putting that back in. And lemon twist. There is such a sexiness to it. You peel the lemon and you have to do it over the glass because the aromas come off into the glass. And then take a little strip and you wrap it around the long stir and it gets curly.
Oh, it's fun. Anyway, so I need a shaker. Yesterday I went out with Jess. We just went out on the town. We went to multiple stores.
Everyone was out of shakers. What are you talking about? How weird is that? I know. Why?
What's going on? What's shaking up?
Emma Watson.
Yeah, her video came out.
Everyone bought shakers. Do you think? I mean, Taylor Swift made $93 million for the NFL by just going.
Well, Jess said, based on his restaurant, he thinks people are drinking a lot right now. A lot more.
Oh, that's such a cool focus group. Interesting. So people are drinking more in January? That's kind of surprising.
Like normally not, but he's just saying right now, this year, for some reason, he noticed and his manager noticed people are drinking a lot. They're ordering a lot of drinks. Isn't that interesting? Interesting.
No more shakers. People are drinking a lot.
Well, his explanation was that everyone's drinking, so they bought all the shakers to like make their.
I mean, duh.
That's obvious.
I mean, well, look, like. obviously this is like a very small sample, but it is anecdotal information that's pretty interesting put together. That's super interesting because there's a whole dry January thing, but usually there's more in my feed. You know, people bragging about it on my feed and I'm not seeing it as much.
That's true. I had one friend who was doing dry January when she did it for like a week.
I feel, I mean, we've talked about this, but last year was like such a bummer and, you know, it's going to be an election year. There's going to be a lot more drama. I think people are just in their YOLO. Like they just don't care. There's kind of a YOLO-ness in the air.
You feel that?
A little bit. I feel it in myself, where I'm like, whatever, a little.
That's nice.
You don't feel it?
No, not yet. I think I will. This beginning of the year has been very stressful for me. And then someone did this hilarious meme, or is it a meme? if it's just letters?
I mean words.
Yeah, I think it counts.
Okay, it counts. They posted something that said... I reposted it. Oh. One thing about January is that she's going to make sure you feel all 31 days of her.
Oh, I saw that. That is how I feel. I just like, thank God. we're almost out of this month. I'm ready for a turnover.
Oh, interesting. Yeah. What are you ready for? What are you inviting in?
Just not so much heaviness. Some levity, some light, just a little bit more ease.
Mm-hmm. Coziness.
I don't need it to be cozy, necessarily. It can be sprightly, but it just can't be so heavy. Right.
Well, you've been dealing with a lot of drama.
I know.
There's been drama. There's been a lot of drama around you that's been trying to bring you in. It's hard. And you've been doing, I think, a really good job of resisting. Thank you.
Getting wrapped up into it. Yeah.
But when this airs, it will be February. Happy February. Happy February. Congratulations to all of us. We've made it.
We've made it through. And hopefully by now, I will have had a martini shaker. So I might go on a little mission today. Try to get one. We could do that.
Go on a martini.
Martini mission.
It's for a social video. It's for a social video. I feel so bad. This is what we do on Flightless Bird, too. Every time we do an episode, we say, oh, for social, we'll do this.
And we don't. And then we never do it. You know, sometimes you shoot for the stars and you land in the trees.
Okay.
And that's so good.
Shoot for the moon and land in the stars.
Yeah, I think that's.
Wow.
Yeah, the trees is a new spin on it.
You didn't even make it to space.
Yeah, landing in the trees. It's better than landing on the ground.
That's a good way to put it.
It's not what you wanted, but it's something. Sometimes something is enough. All right. Well, should I tell this bad story about a restaurant?
How bad is it?
I went to a restaurant and I went with Elizabeth and Andy from Nobody's Listening Right, my favorite podcast. And when I got there, I asked the server, I said, can I also put in a to-go order? And she said, sure, of course. Just let me know whenever you want to put that in and we'll get that going. And I was like, great.
So, you know, we order our food. We're in the middle of it. It's like an hour in. She comes back by and I say, I'm ready to put in the to-go order. I give her the order.
She's asking about the sides. You know, we get it all done. And then she comes back some minutes later and says, I'm really sorry, but the kitchen is too slammed and can't accommodate it. And I was sort of like, oh, okay. No problem.
It just sort of caught me off guard. So I said, no problem. But then, then I...
Had a problem. Yes.
Then I did have a problem. Because it doesn't, you can't do that. First, first to me, you can't say yes and then say no. Like. at that point, you have to tell the kitchen, sorry, I already said yes.
Or, before you say yes, you say like, let me just double check. It's kind of a busy night. But once you say yes.
It's on you. It is.
Or we're out of this item, but we can do these other ones. Lie.
Yeah. You lie.
Do whatever. But at SoulCycle, they would say, find a yes. Oh. Even if we were out of water, you had to find a yes somewhere. Like, okay, we're out of this, but we have this.
If you want this, or we'll give you free something. Like, you have to for customer service. Also, because we could have just ordered the food.
Were you at the table still? Yeah. You could have just been like, never mind, I'll take it now.
That's what I was thinking. Ask for a to-go box. Exactly. But by then we were already so far into the meal that I think they could have said, like, you have to give your seat up. Well, okay.
So then we also got kicked out.
You got kicked out.
I've heard about this happening there.
There's technically a time limit on the table. And depending on how busy it is, they don't often care. In this case. And we were there for two and a half hours. So then a different manager came up and said, hey guys.
And this was very nice. He was trying to find a. yes. He said, we'd love to move you over to the bar. We'll buy you a round of drinks.
But we need this table. But we were still drinking our drinks. I just said, we're heading out, don't worry. I understand. But also after what already had happened, you, kind of like, you, just have to be aware.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So that was rough.
Especially because, yes, you can't say yes and then no, because I would have just ordered all the food and then taken it to go.
I just never heard of like, wouldn't they want to make more money by giving you more stuff?
I'm sure they were just really slammed. But it's not like an order calling in. We're there.
Right.
It's weird. Yeah, it's a little weird.
There's something going on.
They have so many policies there.
I know.
I've gone on like afternoon with Calvin and they've made me take my hat off.
Yeah.
I'm like, what is this? Oh, I don't like that at all. I hate dress codes. Even if I go in and I do what they want me to do, I feel bad the whole time. It's just such an exclusion tactic.
It had a nice shirt on. It wasn't like showing up in a t-shirt.
And you can't wear certain types of footwear.
Oh, my God.
Mainly for men. They don't do much for women.
But there's also something about like as an adult being told what to wear. Like. it feels very like you're 14 and you're at school and like the headmaster is like, yeah, to me it like brings me back to like a weird place.
It definitely feels exclusionary for reasons that are shady. Yeah. All right. Well, on that note, let's answer some questions. Yeah.
Oh, this one's heavy. Is it OK to leave someone who might have cancer anonymous? Hi, Monica and Liz. Last year, I asked for a divorce from my husband of eight years. We tried couples counseling for a bit, but I realized I could not get over all the emotional abuse, gaslighting, and cheating that went on for years.
I need to get more paperwork and things ready for the split. We have children, so it's a process. However, recently he's been having some health issues and doctors are a bit worried about the possibility of cancer or something serious going on. I'm very conflicted on. if it is something serious, would I be a bad person to continue with the plan to leave?
I find just hearing you two talk through things can be very helpful to look at things from different angles. Thank you. Oh, man. This is hard.
Yeah.
And I would struggle with this. I think you can go ahead and leave.
Yeah. I was expecting, like, because of the sickness, which I think is more complicated and nuanced, but this is not, unfortunately. And you can be there for this person. I mean, staying with them does not help them and will not help them recover. I think that you can still support them, and especially if you're co-parenting with them for the rest of their lives.
But I think you're not doing anyone any favors by pretending you want to be in a relationship you know you don't want to be in.
And just suffering. I mean, also because you've already put in your due diligence, you've tried, you've been hurt, you know that you can't come back from it, and that's it. You have to put yourself first. I mean, this is, like, the most heightened situation for codependency. You may have a serious illness, but you're not.
And you have to protect yourself. And your kids. You have to also protect your kids. Because when your parents are miserable, the kids are miserable.
I don't love to give, I don't have kids, so I don't, anyway, whatever.
But you were a kid once.
I was. I was for a long time. 18 years. But I think, sometimes I think we want to do things for kids because we think it'll help them. And again, I think there's a lot of people who will sort of keep the semblance of a family even though there's a separation or a divorce for the kids.
But I think it ends up just confusing them more. And sometimes just being clear-cut and being honest and not wavering, right? Yeah. Of, well, now Daddy's sick, so we're going to be together, but we still hate each other. Right.
Like, I think that only makes it more complicated for children, even though maybe the initial experience of being separated while they're going through an illness will be difficult. I think overall, in the long term, it will be for the best. Well, yeah,
I think, if you do have kids, a good thing to think about is what would you want for them if your kid was in your situation and had been emotionally abused and cheated on? and they're sad? Like, you don't want that for your kid. So you shouldn't want that for you.
Synced is sponsored by BetterHelp. We love BetterHelp. We love therapy.
We do.
Relationships are hard. When we're struggling in a relationship of any kind, we can be really hard on ourselves. But the truth is, they are hard. Totally. That's just the nature of them.
And therapy is so, I find, so life-saving to talk through relationship issues.
Yeah, and it makes our relationships last. I feel like there's so many times where I could have, like, ended something or cut something short, and my therapist was actually like, no, this is the moment you dig in. And we love it.
because it's entirely online, it's convenient, it's flexible, there's no excuses about it being difficult, because you just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. You can switch therapists, which is great. Great.
Important.
Very important. Find the right one that works for you.
Become your own soulmate, whether you're looking for one or not. Visit BetterHelp.com slash synced today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp H-E-L-P dot com slash synced.
Okay. Well, that was much easier than we thought.
Yeah. Listen to yourself.
Okay. Solo traveling as a very independent wife. This is from Lane. Hi, Monica and Liz. Big, armchair and sync squad member here.
I'm a super independent married woman. I've always been the person that won't wait around for others to decide that they want to join me on an adventure. I'll just go, do it on my own. My husband and I normally do one big trip together each year around our anniversary. My husband is more worried about budgeting and money than I am.
He plans and researches, while I just do whatever and figure it out as I go. This means I've gotten to go on a lot of amazing solo trips and then my husband doesn't feel like we have enough money to do a big trip together. I'm almost 31 and I feel like I'm getting close to trying to have kids. I'm feeling the pressure to use my limited time off to do adventures. I won't be able to do as easily if I become a mother.
I have it in my head that this year I really want to go to Scotland and walk the West Highland Way, but my husband doesn't have any interest in doing that. It's also our 10 year anniversary and we want to do a bigger celebration trip together. I'm worried that if I do my usual, do what I want and go to Scotland, I will jeopardize our anniversary trip and I will feel guilty and my husband will resent my decision. What should I do? How do I balance keeping my independence and also being responsible and a good partner?
This is tricky actually, because we're so independent and I do love solo trips and I also agree that one life, and if you don't think you'll be able to do this Scotland trip for a long time because of children, I'm kind of like. you need to do that and I understand being in a partnership and feeling like can't you sacrifice that for something that we do together?
What does he want to do? I guess I want also more information, like he wants to do.
a bigger celebration trip, but we don't know what it is. Okay. And I think the thought is, if she does the Scotland trip, there won't be enough money. Right. But also, I guess, the question is is that true?
Right. He is very.
more frugal. Exactly.
He's more frugal, which is great. but what's the truth about the finances? Maybe she could like make a budget and say I think we have the funds to do this big trip together and for me to do this important thing for me. Maybe budget it all out and then present it to him and say I don't think we have to do one or the other. I think both can happen.
Right.
It seems like there's an issue. it's funny. I feel like my parents have this exact problem and they're like over 70, and so it just can become something that's just difficult. and my dad almost went out and did this two week trip on his own in Hungary and I was like why do you do it? Part of me was just okay, sure, go do it.
but I could tell there was like a sadness to it and he didn't end up doing it, which I thought was probably for the best. but anyway, that's kind of a separate story. but yeah, I think it's common with couples, right that you're just approaching travel and money I mean money right, like just differently. so I would want you to like plan something even better together or try and find a way to sort of do both and do it on a budget that feels good for you, because, yeah, you should be able to do things you want to do right?
Yeah, especially before you have kids, I agree, and you're young. so if there's something that's going to be like a lot more expensive that you both want to do together and you feel okay sacrificing the Scotland trip for it, then maybe do that. but I would just sit down and like make a budget, make a list of different options, and then you might have more clarity on it.
I think there's a difference too, between becoming a dad and becoming a mom that she can maybe even bring up, because I understand feeling left out. and if she's going on this adventure and it's their 10 year anniversary, so yeah, I do think she should be thoughtful about making that anniversary special and celebrating it together. but I also think women having kids and men having kids. it's just like a total. it's different.
you become a different person. you lose a lot of things. you'll gain so many things. yes, but maybe that's also something that could be helpful for her to sort of discuss with him why this is so important, that it's not just like I'm independent and obviously she is independent and all that stuff, but like becoming a mom in 2024 or in these days. there is a loss of freedom.
there is, and you won't be able to do things the same way that you used to for a while. you'll be able to eventually, but for a while it won't be.
and it will never be this version anymore. yes, once you have a kid, they are your priority for life. yes, not to say like you'll never do a vacation. of course you will, but your brain changes right and your priorities change and your life changes, and so I think you should do what you want to do before that happens. yeah, okay, let's see, I think we have time for one more.
I want to end the relationship with my sister-in-law now that her and my brother are getting divorced from Ashley. hey, Monica and Liz, I need some advice on how to manage a delicate situation. my younger brother and his wife are in the middle of getting divorced. they've been married for two and a half years, but have been together since they were 16, now 33. in all honesty, she's not a person I would ever gravitate towards in real life.
she's judgmental, aggressive and her anger almost always gets the best of her. in my family, anger has always been a big issue and I've worked hard to keep mine in check and surround myself by people who keep a level head anyway. her and my brother have had a volatile relationship since the beginning and they have two sons who have always suffered the consequences of this during arguments, they would jump to harsh words and intense emotions, whether the argument was small or big. she always seemed to bring out the worst in my brother and for that reason I distanced myself from him while they were dating married. anyway, my brother has finally stood up to say enough is enough and they're getting a divorce.
currently they are working together to keep things civil, but there have always been a few situations that foreshadow a difficult divorce. proceeding is coming. she wants to continue to hang out with me because she sees me as a friend and wants to have a relationship with my two children, but I would prefer to cut ties in order to pursue a better relationship with my brother. I used to be so close with him when we were kids and I want to get back to that place. he has been so much happier since asking for the divorce and we've been hanging out a lot more.
I don't want to risk messing that up. how do I broach this with his soon to be ex-wife without her being spiteful and using my nephews as leverage to get me to hang out? she's done that before, even when they were married. help, oh god.
sounds fun.
I mean for me, this is a no brainer, me too, and it's also here we go again. boundaries, here they are. they, like you, can just be straightforward.
you can be straightforward, but also you don't owe her an explanation and a whole thing too. I think it's a pretty simple one text, because sometimes I feel like we end up over explaining and it ends up kind of justifying their spitefulness or their anger, or, like you've done this horrible thing. to me it's a simple when she asks you to hang out, say I really don't have the bandwidth right now, but I'll reach out when I do, wishing you the best, making it clear in your communication that you're not asking questions, you're not engaging, you're not really interested in that relationship. yeah, that's so true.
this goes back to what my therapist said once about boundaries, when I'd ask do I need to have a conversation? do I need to tell them basically that I'm putting up boundaries? and she was like no, you just put up the boundaries exactly. so yeah, this does feel like that and you're so fine.
like prioritizing.
your brother is exactly what you should do, and honestly, it's an out. this person has some toxicity. you felt it this whole time. it's created a faction between you and your brother, and so great time to start over with him. how fun, and she doesn't need to be a part of it.
and I can't get into it. but I had a similar situation and I just would be cordial but distant. yeah, in text messages or interactions, non-communication is communication.
sometimes the loudest exactly.
and just preserving that distance, because she's going to want to pretend, like you guys are still close and that you're going to stay close and you need to signal. that's not the case. you have every right.
it sounds like she's a difficult person. so if she comes back and if she's directly attacking you or questioning you, I think you could say at that point I'm sorry you feel that way. I need to prioritize my relationship with my brother.
exactly that's it. the shorter the better.
yeah, and then if they keep coming back, just ignore it. I mean that's the. it's sad because the children, but your brother will have time with the children and you'll see the children then.
no, it doesn't even matter, I don't. they still have their parents. they still have you as their aunt. the kids don't need the aunt to be friends with them.
no, I think the thought is would then she be removed from seeing the kids like she? probably these are her nephews, and so the thought is will I not be able to see them anymore, but you will, via your brother, yeah.
oh my god, it's fine. I don't think it will jeopardize your relationship, unless, if she's super toxic, she can start talking shit about you exactly. you can't control that you can't, and just be, be short and be cordial and focus your relationship on your brother, and I think this is great.
me too. it worked out the way it was supposed to.
it sounds like because it's hard when you have a sibling or even a friend and they're dating someone that you know is bad or that's not bringing out the best in them or that's mistreating them. it's very difficult and in many respects that can bring a lot of problems within the family and with the kid and all that stuff. but I feel like this clear separation is a really good thing for everybody.
I agree. okay, great, great questions, keep writing in. we get such beautiful, wonderful questions. I just saw Anthony's again. hi, Anthony.
can you send another one?
no, it was just the one from last week. okay, next week is the big.
it is already next week.
yeah, I have like my. you have really bad.
well, because also I didn't realize how bad I am.
no, well, not bad.
but my body. there's something wrong with my diaphragm. I'm not breathing. I have not been breathing my whole life. that's what I'm kind of realizing.
yeah, you learned that, which is kind of a big revelation, big revelation to me.
like when I breathe with my diaphragm, it hurts and I feel like I'm dying. sometimes I'm in these exercises not dying, but like there's something wrong with me, have you ever?
done a thing. okay, lay down, yeah, put something a book. that's one of my exercises.
yeah, but it's like the transnational ultrasound. what? yeah, yeah, it's that for my diaphragm. oh no, yeah, it hurts. I've been storing a lot into my plexus, solar, solar plexus.
sorry, it's not our plexus, I'm fucking crying.
wait. who says?
in French Canadian, they say plexus, solar, plexus, solar, oh wow.
I guess I said it wrong. so yeah, I've been storing a lot. apparently there's a body work guy. I should go to. Hannah told me, but no, don't add.
more doctor. I know exactly. I just like.
I just want to chill. this was supposed to be like I mean it has been relaxing. it's been not so great for my roommate, I'm sure not so relaxing for her. it's been a nice experience, but I'm very afraid to perform.
in my first acting class in college. so like once you joined the acting program. so it's the first like real acting class, the first day of class. the teacher said it was like a Monday, Wednesday, Friday. she said okay, on Friday everyone's gonna come in and sing a song for the class.
terrifying.
and I was like I quit like I'm not.
doing that.
I'm not doing it, but she said the reason is because singing in front of people is the most vulnerable thing a human can do, and once we all do this, we will know each other so much better. we'll get that first vulnerability out of the way so that we can, like you know, act on each other right.
so we should all.
say no.
that's what we're saying.
you have. you've done this and I haven't started my essay yet. I mean I'm so.
jealous. I've been thinking about you when I'm doing these fucking things like man, I got the wrong end of the stick.
here, I know, but this is your personal.
journey I know I chose. no, I'm glad I did it because it's helped me. my month of January has been good because of this. honestly, it's been something that's made me scroll less on my phone and just have a goal in life.
yeah, yeah, direction.
and, like this teacher I found is really sweet, even though she's just on my computer. it's just a video lesson, like it's it. she's very great at what she.
does great. yeah, okay. one more thing just to add right before we go. I just remembered that last week when we talked about beauty products. you talk about the hydrogel.
yeah, couple days ago I was at Target, and it's under lock and key. there too, it's behind the glass. what is it?
Wow, maybe you can make like a math out of it.
there must be an active ingredient. I think it's just.
like hot no commodity no.
they would put like if all things in Target the the hydrogel. that's weird. no, that's weird.
I think there's.
more to this we should investigate for next year.
yeah, let's go, cliffhanger.
yeah, okay, thanks for listening and we'll see you next week.
bye, bye.
v1.0.0.260408-1-a910ba6_os