Synced: Stay in Your Hula Hoop

This is important.

I think it suits me. But it's weird because it whacks everyone out.

Just the world we live in. My hot take on your hot take is that the first week, you weren't feeling great because you stopped drinking, but now you're like in your body and you're feeling like you are more alive.

Yes. Great.

I know. Same. The acoustics, people, the acoustics. And I can't tell you how many events I've been to. It makes me angry, because these are important organizations, causes.

we need to hear from the people who are telling us all the information that we need. And One Fair Wage is the most pivotal organization, helping service and restaurant workers get fair wages. And yeah, the acoustics were really, really bad. And I felt it was just, yeah. Also, this is funny.

I might leave this in. Okay. I have a theory. Well, I don't have this theory. I have friends who are wheelchair users and they have told me, I can get into anything.

No one's going to reject a person. That's true. And they should.

Yes, my friend, Sid. She 100% didn't have a ticket, 100% didn't have her name on the list, and 100% got in. She's like, we'll add you in. And then they feel so good about themselves.

And it was hectic and it was crazy. And because of that, as soon as I sat down, I thought, I need a margarita. I need one. I feel really uncomfortable by the last seven minutes. Not, I feel really uncomfortable, I just was like, ah.

And she said, we might need a hard beverage. And I was like, I know, but I'm not, I'm not doing that. And she was like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, soft beverage. Wow. So even she thought that, which was a little.

But it's those moments. and it's been really, because you told me last week, you said just be curious. And I've been curious about what's been going on and noting when I feel that yank towards alcohol and that was a moment where I know I would have felt just at ease knowing a drink was coming. There was a woman across from me and she had a glass of red wine. And I was like, oh, that looks so warming and cozy and nice.

But when I got home, I was happy. It's weird. It's like in the moment I want it, but then after the fact, I'm glad I didn't, not just because that was a goal I set and then I've accomplished it, but just like I feel better in my body, obviously not having it because it is poison. And so, yeah, it's this weird mix.

I wanted to go to Craig's across the street. Do you know about Craig's?

And so when Molly and I left, she was like, do you want to go to Craig's? And it was like 830.. We hadn't eaten very much at this event, so we thought that we would go to Craig's. It was really exciting for me. We were like dressed cute.

So it worked.

I felt so deeply insignificant. I felt so small and like a little fly around. Why? Because there was so much paparazzi.

It was 830.. Sure. That's an hour before no one's supposed to talk to you on the street.

And I went inside. Molly, and I thought we definitely wouldn't be able to sit, but we could probably sit at the bar. So I went in and immediately it was obviously no. There were so many people. It was a Thursday night, which is weird.

There were so many people just hovered, crowded around the bar. And then obviously all the seats were full and everyone is dressed to impress. I felt transported to when I first moved here and I was, however old I was, 22 or something. And kind of being around these scenes or you were supposed to try to be around the scenes and just standing near people to try to see. I mean, the absolute worst feeling ever of feeling so insignificant.

I mean, in this case, because I don't feel that anymore about myself, I felt the feeling and I was like, oh my God, this is just like then. But I thought it was more comical. I could see it in a little bit of a different way, because I am happy with my place. But it is just so funny. The bar is four people deep, but everyone's turned out.

No one's turned towards the bar. And I'm sitting. Turned out. Yeah. Which is weird.

But also it's high school, right? We've all experienced it. Exactly.

Make sure you talk to someone specific, like a bartender, because blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And she's like, but yeah, come in, honey. And it was like kind of patronizing, but also she was trying to be nice and not say like, you should go. You don't have a chance here. But it still was really funny.

So then, yeah, I tried to get to the bar to put my name on some sort of waitlist, and I couldn't even get to the bar, and all these people are just kind of standing, not moving to let me in. And it was so classic LA, but in a very stereotypical way and not in a way that I've experienced in the last 10 years, truly. Maybe the first three I did. But that's because if you go to a place like that, you sort of have to expect it. But it was so funny.

And then I was like, I'm leaving. And I went to leave and the guy, the famous, whoever was getting interviewed, was coming in. I tried to look, but I don't know who it was. And there was so many flashes as if it was like Justin Bieber or something.

It used to have such a major effect and now I just laugh. When I got in the car, I was like, this is so stupid. I don't know who that person is. Everyone just is gawking to see. And I'm about to sound so braggy, but I'll do it at the risk.

You just punched yourself.

He's the most famous person on earth, basically. And so they're all leaving the club and the paparazzi is swarming Topher and Holly and Barry, and Brad just walks right through, because in the movie he's not a famous person. And it's hilarious and pointed. It's such a good scene, but I felt like that when I left the restaurant, because it's like everyone is right there as I'm leaving, because I'm literally crossing paths with that guy and everyone immediately just drops their cameras and couldn't care less. And I felt like that.

I was like, I'm him, I'm Brad and I'd rather be Brad.

And it's like, no, they're probably overthinking their stuff and wondering why this other guy got 12 photographers instead of 10..

So something I've been trying to do is notice the feeling of intuition in my body. In the past, when I had a feeling and then it turned out to be true and that it was my intuition, that was a specific feeling. And then same with kind of anxiety. It's almost like intuition for me, it's different for everybody, but intuition is lower in my body and anxiety is kind of like up here, right? So it has a different rhythm and feel to it.

And so in that situation, that specific feeling of... It's almost like I'm not included. Yes, it is. It's not just... It's not really, I'm not enough.

It's like you feel excluded and knowing that, oh, I'm feeling excluded right now. And then to get out of that situation and then you've fixed it. You have control and sort of agency there. But knowing what the feeling is, is how you get that agency. Because if you don't know what the feeling is, the best action, can't follow from it.

So I just opened the little window in the door and there was a guy there and he was.

I think someone moved in and somehow they got put there.

Cause? it felt like that was just what he decided to say. Right? Cause it wasn't like. the first thing he said was, hey, is that trash?

It was this confusion for a bit before that ask. It was weird. And so I closed the window and I thought, huh, was he trying to rob me? Not like hurt me, but was he seeing if anyone was in this apartment? Oh.

And then I was. So then it was like, he needed to get out of that.

So I closed the window and I just kind of stood by the door to hear, like, is he going to move that trash out? Like what's happening? And then there was no sound for a while. It's like, so he's still there. Then finally he went upstairs.

It wasn't happening for a long time. So I didn't, I, that made my spidey senses go off. So he goes upstairs. I don't know what happens up there, but this is a long time that all of this is going down. Then, finally, he walks out of the building and he goes into another of the buildings.

I look, it's still there. And so then I just like, scurry out of the apartment. So, as far as anxiety and intuition, that's what I was saying. And it's sort of a sim that you're bringing this up, because I thought this too. I was like, what is me just being scared?

And what is really understanding? what's odd and not? It's hard to know. It's hard to know.

The body. I like that.

Oh my God. So I engaged to myself. Yeah. New York ran really well. Yeah.

Yeah. I got engaged twice.

Synced is sponsored by BetterHelp. I don't have Liz today, but I have my other soulmate. A very, very similar stand-in. That's right. Tall, lanky.

Also goes to therapy. Also a big proponent of therapy. If you're a listener of this show, you know that we say the phrase, my therapist said, like, you know, I'm a therapist. Like minimally four times an episode. We really believe in it.

And I actually haven't been in a week and a half. Can you feel it? And I can really feel it. And I realized how much I really need it and how many things were piling up every day of me thinking, oh, I need to talk to her about that. Oh, I need to talk to her about that.

Oh, this has come up. This has come up. What's really funny is, I too will convince myself I'm done. And it's because I feel good. Yes.

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Okay. We'll pin in that, because I do want to circle back around to that, but can you tell an example of a time that your intuition was right?

The first few times we hung out, there were clear signs of him being kind of avoidant and sort of just unavailable. in a lot of different ways. But also in other ways, he was extremely effusive and seemed very available. And so, yeah, I was like, oh, I have to remember that. What did that feel like?

And to believe myself and to really trust myself. It's just hard. Yeah. What about you? When were you right about your intuition?

I knew that something was going on. I knew it was likely a drug situation, and I asked, you know, and it for a little bit was rejected, but I still knew, and I was ultimately right. So I've had a few of those in life, and I think it's done me a bit of a disservice because since I have been right on some really important, salient moments, I do think I let that evidence make it 100% for me of like, I'm always right about those things, those feelings, those intuitions, and I'm not. I mean, there's no way I can always be right about that, but it is hard when you're proven right.

Yeah, I do think so. I am not. Guy on the street, I'm like, of course not, and like, me, me, me, and maybe I am more often right in that instance, but I think in the instances that matter, you have a good intuition.

What? What's pedicure?

That attitude is really interesting to me.

Codependency, it is also known as relationship addiction, because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual's ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship.

And something I personally have been working on for the past almost two years of really trying to let people be who they're going to be, do what they're going to do. It's not a reflection of me. I can't fix it. And to not want to meddle and be involved and be the person who quote, figured it out or came to this conclusion, or resolved it, or approached or any of it. I don't want to be that anymore.

I have yet to meet a mother who has not at one point sort of fallen into that role and being stuck in that role of feeling like you are a victim of other people and you're just self-sacrificing and you can't stop and you're resentful that you have to self-sacrifice.

Right. And you have to acknowledge that it's feeding you.

But yeah. The pleasure. Wow. And so do you see that show up in big ways and small ways, or mostly big ways? The martyr thing.

I can take this emotional pain, or whatever it's going to be. You leave it feeling like you have a big scar and that hurts, but also hurts so good.

You have to, as the program would say, pause when agitated. Literally stop when you're feeling the sense of I noticed something's going on. so I'm going to ask. Which seems normal. That seems like a normal thing.

people should be able to do is if I think something's going on with you, I would feel like I should say is something going on with you? But when you're someone like me who is constantly doing that and this sucks. Sometimes I have to say I think something might be going on, but I'm not going to ask.

Because if I'm in my hula hoop and you're in your hula hoop, even if you're having trouble with your hula hoop, me getting involved with your hula hoop will actually make your hula hoop worse and mine. You lose your hula hoop. Yes. I lose my hula hoop. You lose your hula hoop.

Now we both and I actually can be less of help to you, because now my hula hoop's off. Whereas if I just stay to my own hula hoop and I can support you, I can shout at you, I can like not shout at you, but like support, verbally or in other ways, or like be like go, Monica, go.

What really helped me was this helps them. It does. Like, actually helps them. And this is the altruistic thing to do. actually, not the selfish thing to do, is important to remember.

But we're going to jump into a couple. Okay. This is, I think, maybe one of the most universal questions that people have. My partner and I have different expectations, slash desires around sex. How do we compromise?

Let's go. Hi, Monica and Liz. My question is I'm a huge fan of your show and I'm in need of some advice from the reputable Sync Squad. Yay. Oh, I love it.

That's catching on. That is so sweet. My partner and I have been together for three years. We love each other deeply and have a strong commitment to one another. We're able to talk things through and often do a good job expressing our feelings and finding middle ground that works for both of us.

Recently, however, we've had a hard time discussing and compromising when it comes to sex. He would like to have sex a lot less than I would. Probably closer to every other week if he truly had it his way, where I would like to have sex one to two times a week. This is obviously a huge discrepancy and such an important thing in a relationship. How do we compromise without making one another feel forced or unsatisfied?

I love him so much, but I'm feeling more and more unsatisfied by our sexual relationship as time wears on. I don't want to leave him, but I'm increasingly worried I may be convincing myself to stay because the other parts are so great. Please help. I feel like I personally know six people who are going through this and could have written this exact same thing. I have immediate thoughts, but I want to hear yours.

Is it feeling wanted? I mean, sex. is all these things, right? Being admired, being loved, whatever. There's so many pieces to sex.

I want her to identify what it is she actually needs out of it, because maybe a middle ground could be that she gets those things in another way from her partner and has a conversation like, look, I don't feel wanted when this is happening and I feel like there's an imbalance in how much I want you and you don't. But you have to know what the thing is. It's not just sex. I think it's a little tricky to just say, or it's not tricky, I mean, everyone says that, but you have to know what the sex is giving you to know what you're lacking.

That men feel this pressure actually to always be up for it and that that's like a core facet of masculinity. Exactly. Or the ideal of masculinity. Sexual prowess. Yes.

That you're always like, sex?

That there's these transgressions of masculinity that must exist. And so I do think that makes it hard, particularly, I think, for men to talk about sex. I don't know in this case, maybe that's not at play at all, but I wonder if that's also sort of a barrier to communication here and the guy doesn't want to have sex. What is his need, right? And we can't judge.

There is no normal. No. Right? It's what's unique for you. It's what's normal.

And it's not. The way that we are in the bedroom is the way that we are everywhere, I think. It's just another expression of who we are. And so what is the underlying thing going on? And again, like I have a friend, that there's an underlying, clear sort of mental health issue with one of the partners and it's not being expressed directly.

And so it's being expressed in all these other ways, including in the bedroom. Yeah.

That's it, right? They're just not that into it. And the other partner is very into it. Also, circling back to sort of what I said at the beginning, I think the partner who's very into it really feels unlovable in those situations.

But I need that. in a relationship. Understanding what you really, really, really need out of a relationship is important, because relationships can be beautiful and wonderful and awesome and not give you what you need. And that, I think, means you shouldn't be in it.

If your needs don't get met, it's ultimately going to be a tough relationship. But if your partner is interested in what you need, I think you can work it out, right? Because then you're both working on this project together. It's like a team project. I think where we run into situations is when the other partner, because it's an uncomfortable conversation or because they don't want to talk about their sex driver, they're not able to figure out what's going on.

Then they're not able to hear their partner. And I think that's where we run into issues. Yeah. But if he's willing to and interested and like, oh my God, you're not getting these needs met.

In Sex, Love and Goop, it's a lot of couples who sexually aren't connecting. They really care about each other or they're on the brink because of this, and you sort of see them work through different things. And some of it is woo-woo and weird therapies. But one of them is just filling out a questionnaire of what you like, and the partners are often discovering things about themselves that they didn't even know. And so it's just like an opportunity for self-discovery.

and yeah, and how to build a sex room. They create a space that's more, you know, one of the things that can be an issue is what's the environment you're in, what's going on in your life. And so it's a cool, like being curious and taking it as an opportunity to learn more about yourselves and each other.

So I mean, I hate to always do that, but like also couples, therapy cannot hurt.

I must be my body. And, to your point, it's often what's going on with the partner. And so, unless you're really talking through these things, you can misinterpret and there could be a lot of miscommunication that, yeah.

How do I start dating as a 30-year-old virgin? I recently turned 31 and I've never been in a relationship. I've really never gone on dates either, making me a 30-year-old virgin. Not by choice. And don't worry, I have several vibrators.

But as I've grown into myself and become more confident, I want to partner in life. It often feels like all of my friends have quote their person, and I want that too. I clearly need to swipe on apps and get out there, but I'm incredibly nervous about navigating the sexual aspects of relationships when a lot of people are looking for hookups. I need any advice you have for dating and navigating the dating world in your 30s, specifically when you don't have a ton of experience. After listening to your first episode and you talk about fantasies and the fact check, I knew this would be a safe space to talk.

I've started this form and deleted it three times. Oh, I love you. And this is obviously a safe space to talk, because you're talking to me. I'm you. Yeah.

It's really daunting and really scary when, all of a sudden, you're an age and you've never had sex and talk about really feeling like something's going on with you, right? You're like, how is everyone in the world, how is that person and that person? and that person had sex and I hadn't? You really start making it about your deficiencies, and it's so not that. It's just the way your life went, and it is okay.

When I lost my virginity, I was almost 30 and I was like, I have to get this done. It was hanging over my head. It might be a little different for her, but for me, I knew I need to rip this bandaid off so that I don't feel constantly like there's going to have to be this big conversation, because it does feel like that. It's like whoever I have sex with. at this point, I have to tell them.

When you're 16, everyone's just assuming that everyone's a virgin. You know what I mean? And as time progresses, you start to feel an obligation to say, and by the way, I actually do think you are obligated. Not obligated. You're not obligated, but I think you're doing yourself a favor by telling the person.

So this is what I did. It was a mutual friend. So it wasn't a dating app, which I think was helpful. I knew that this person was not a bad guy. I knew I liked him enough, really.

At this point, I was not like, this is going to be my husband. It was just, I like this person. He's funny. He's really cute. I'm having sex with him.

I just made that decision and we had gone on a couple of dates and then, on the third date, I woke up in the morning, we had a plan and I was like, we're having sex today. I knew it in my head and I also felt like he knows, this is where we're at. I was so anxious and really conflicted about how to do this and how to have this conversation. I waited until the very last minute, which was, I don't know if that was a good idea or not. Probably not.

But I didn't want to, at lunch, be like, hey, so just letting you know for when we probably maybe have sex later. I've decided we're having sex later. Yeah.

And so, you know, when we got back to his house and we were going around, it was right before I said, look, I have to tell you something. And he was like, okay. And I said, I've never had sex before. A lot of people have heard this story, so sorry if you have, but he said, oh, okay. Do you want to?

And I said, yeah. And he said, okay, great. And so we did. I mean, it's kind of unfair, because he was perfect. Like that is perfect.

That is the absolute best response. And I don't know that our listener will get that kind of person.

If you haven't. It's so vulnerable. I mean, it's like the most exposing thing. I mean, sex stuff in general is already so fucking vulnerable. I mean, it's your body.

And now it's your mind.

Like that's awesome.

It's not. But I was that. Every time I was in any sort of conversation with anyone about sex, like if I was with girlfriends or something, and sex came up, I was so uncomfortable because I hadn't had it or experienced it. And I felt weird for that and other for that. And also like, but I want to be included in the conversation.

I don't want, I don't want anyone to know this. Like you, it starts to become a secret. And so I would suggest practicing. I would suggest for a little bit, tell some friends and tell them why, like the way I just said, like it's not because of X, Y, and Z.

And I think the more you say that out loud, the more you just tell someone like, I haven't had sex before, which is, I know, kind of weird at my age, but you'll hear a you, a Liz, will be there to say like, oh yeah, I mean, I think it's fine. And the more you hear that, I think, the better you'll feel about that situation. And then you can enter these dates and know like, you're fine. It's just your story.

That would never pop into my mind. Like duh, of course they want to have sex with you. That would never be my go-to.

Sometimes there is no answer other than it wasn't really a choice. I wasn't waiting for a very specific reason or person or anything, but I also didn't want to just have sex, sort of randomly. And so that sort of led me here.

also, this is funny because you wanted to talk about this, but I am bisexual.

And then dated men. And then, early 30s, I may have been 30.. This is so synced. We're synced with our sync squad.

And I went on this date with this woman, Daniela, shout out. Your roommate? Not my roommate. No.

This is so awesome. And then, da, da, da, where I was like, I'm going to have to have sex with her. Oh, my God. Realizing. I'm going to have to have sex with her and I've never had sex, and I'm going to have to tell her that I've never had sex and I'm going to be bad at it and I'm not going to know what to do.

And all these things started flowing through my mind and I got so terrified and afraid. And so I relate, really do. I guess the point of me sharing this story is like, yeah, we have this bucket of virginity, right? Or like, I'm not taking away from the weight of what that feels like, but there are so many other people walking around who have a version of what you're feeling and don't talk about it or haven't shared it. And I do feel what I'm sharing is common.

Just people realizing they're attracted to a wider array of people than they thought that they were. So they are first timers and even dating women. I was talking about this with my friend. actually last week after tennis, which I invited you to come to and you didn't, where she got a divorce, started realizing she was bisexual and started dating women and was like, dating women is so hard because you don't, no one's kind of lead, like the stereotypical, like the man is leading and goes in for the kiss or it goes in for the first move. Often women will date each other and they'll go on so many dates where nothing happens, because they're both kind of like waiting for the other person.

And they don't know what the, and so it can delay intimacy. in all these ways. So many of us feel like little kids in grown bodies.

And I would say, and this is probably horrible advice. People are going to be mad at me, but I'm saying, coming from someone in this exact same position, get it over with. Like, I mean, get that first one over with. Then you're no longer this, this work.

Okay.

Okay.

Right. And so that was really brave, what you just did by sharing it, and I'm proud of you. And more than I'm proud of you, I appreciate that you feel safe to have that kind of conversation. And I have a lot of questions, and I'm probably going to sound very ignorant. Perfect.

But, you know, I feel like if I can't have that kind of conversation with you, then who can have these conversations ever? So I guess that's for next week. We're going to deep dive and we have so many more amazing questions too that we're going to get to. Yeah.