Paddywhackery

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcocoa.com slash callconan. Okay, let's get started.

Hey Dave, welcome to Conan. O'Brien needs a fan.

Hey, thanks Matt, how you doing?

Dave, It's, uh, sorry for that unprofessional introduction, um, but Matt, Matt's high as a kite. Dave, uh. Tell us where you're coming from right now. Where are you in the world?

I'm in, uh, I'm in your motherland, Conan, I'm in Galway.

Oh, you're in Galway. Oh, terrific.

Yeah, oh well, you've been there, have you?

I don't know if I've been to Galway. No, um, I've been to. What have I done? I went years ago, I went to, Uh, ring a carry, you know? And then I drove across, Uh, Ireland and ended up in Dublin. And then I went to Belfast. Uh, to do a thing with the Game of Thrones, people.

And I think I remember, did you do something in Limerick where you basically went around and did a load of like, patty whackery?

Oh, I don't do this, like, you know, no, I when I do what I do. I don't know what you mean by patty whackery, but when I do patty whackery and where it's my business, but no, I did not do any patty whackery. Why are the Irish? The Irish are so, so paranoid that someone's there to make fun of them. Oh, you're here to make fun of Patty, are you? No, I was there to do my distinctive brand of comedy and it had nothing to do with Whackin Patty, if you know what I mean.

I'm actually surprised you haven't broken out the accent yet.

No, no, no.

You've shown great restraint.

I have shown incredible restraint and I think I should be applauded for it. Uh, Dave, Uh, So you're, you're living in Galway in Ireland, and what do you do?

Um, I basically, well, I'm a musician, like I've been a musician my whole life and kind of up until just before Covid. Like I was playing with my band, that's what I was doing for a living.

What's your band's name?

Uh, my band's name was Legalaxy, I've kind of started a new thing called Fake name, but my previous band was Legalaxy. And we kind of, like, we did pretty well in Ireland, you know. Um, like, not everyone's mommies would have heard of us. But you know, we made a living from it, and you know, we kind of did festivals and stuff like that. That's terrific.

No, if you can make a living with your music, that is quite an achievement.

That's it, man, that's the dream, like, you know, that's that's the dream, really, you know, when you come down to it, we. I've gotten to do it, and I mean, that follows me now in terms of even. Like, I kind of chose the worst possible time to to, you know, as a, you know, in retrospect, just before the pandemic, to kind of quit that band and start a new project.

I see you quit the old band, you quit the old band and said, it's time to go out on my own. See us suckers. And then Covid hit.

Pretty much, yeah, but um, I moved to Galway around then as well.

What's her name?

I was up and down, Uh, Claire, Claire.

Okay, so Claire, you, you have, and you and Claire moved in together.

Yeah, well, I'd been kind of spending half my time down here and then I'd be off doing the stuff with the band. And, uh, I might stay with family in Dublin, and then I'd come down to Galway whenever I wasn't there. So I think I did, I worked at that one stage.

You should have gone to the moon.

Yeah, that's how they trained the original astronauts. They had them get on buses back and forth to Galway, and, uh, once they had done this, the distance, they knew that they were ready to go.

And you know, the way people say, Oh, darling, I love you to the moon and back. Well, it's like, unfortunately, I almost got just almost just before got to the moon the first time, so maybe not quite as much.

So I understand this correctly. Uh, Covid hits, uh, you, you decide to move in with Claire, and now you're married, is that right?

That's correct. Yeah, we, we were very sneaky. We got married during one of the lockdowns, so the wedding party was literally me, Claire, our son and my best friend. And and his partner. My best friend was the witness.

I'm glad. So how's it going? You're, you're living with Claire and that's a big adjustment when you're. I know it was for me and my wife. When you're living with your partner for the first time, how's that?

Yeah, I mean, like, we had been kind of, like, I say, kind of. I'd been here like a lot, and I'd been here, kind of, say, for half the week at a time. But it's still quite different from basically a lifer. So there was kind of adjustments, definitely an adjustment period. And certainly, like, you know, me moving down all my bits and pieces here behind me and all that, kind of starting to take over in the house and stuff like that.

Sure, I think so. As long as Claire is tolerant, she doesn't mind all of your musical instruments crowding the house.

She's cool with it, I'm very lucky. Well, sometimes I'll come home with like, a particularly large thing, and but she'll be fine about it. But it's just like, I know it's like, No, I'll, I'll get this out as soon as I can. That's a beautiful synth behind you.

I could tell that's why I didn't comment on it, I could tell that that was a repro moog.

That's funny, cause I've heard you mention moog before, but you called it moog.

No, no, no, there's two ways to do it, first of all. Okay, yeah.

Please do McLoughlin.

Oh, McLoughlin.

It's a it's a local IPA.

Oh, very nice.

It's quite delicious.

I think that's okay.

Although most of it's gone at this stage, well, that's all right.

You're at a different time zone where we are. It was. It's 1.15 in the afternoon and so I thought you were hitting it kind of hard early, but no, you're not.

This is appropriate. Don't pretend you haven't drank by this stage in a day ever. Conan.

You have got me dead to rights, sir, you are.

Are you drinking right now?

And I applaud you for it.

I saw the whiskey bottle go under the table when you put me on.

I actually have a camelback that bicyclists use, and I've got a little straw that comes up underneath my shirt. And I take a little schlurp every now and then to keep me going.

I thought you being like a multimillionaire, you know, media corporation head, you'd have like some sort of doctor that would administer it intravenously up your triger leg.

You know what, I've looked into it, I've looked into it, I have not found. Every doctor I've found so far has ethics, and that gets in the way.

Yeah, I mean, I listen to the podcast, and probably I probably have been listening to most during the podcast. I'd say, because, you know, like, if I think back in the day, we didn't really have SNL in Ireland up until, like the early 90s.

Yeah, right, yeah. Early 90s.

93 maybe.

Yeah, 91, 92, 93, yeah.

Yeah, and then I can remember getting clips, you know, pre YouTube, obviously, I remember getting clips from people sent around via email. Or, you know, they'd have brought you a CD or something, and like, there'd be, like, Conan O'Brien clips in it.

Yeah, that was back in the day. People had to mail each other clips because there was no internet, so you had to actually put the clip in an envelope and post it. It was a very different time.

And actually, now that I think of it, one of the first things I saw, which I don't know if you can claim this material. I remember you had this guy on, he was a guest on one of the late night shows, but he wasn't a guest. It was a bit and it was basically like a floating head, and I think it was supposed to be like a ghost in the studio. Yes, but essentially, he did this kind of little catchy, little kind of 1940s style number about how every Irish person's hooked on dope.

No, what it was, and you're going to accuse me of paddywhackery. But in our defense, a ghost would come. Who used to work in the studio back in the 1940s because Rockefeller Center was an old studio. And the whole trick was, I'd think, well, this is enchanting, we have this wonderful ghost from this past time. He's very racist about Italians, Chinese people, the Irish, and he's very sexist about women. And we always said, and at some point, I'd say, you're an awful person.

Yeah, look, absolutely, there is a distinction there. But also there's nothing that endears you to an Irishman like a good Irishman joke as well. Oh, there you go.

Well, that's great, and I'm just curious, does Claire listen to the podcast as well, or is it just you?

Um, she, she does not like you, Conan.

Oh, no.

She just doesn't like Conan.

What is she? She's not a Conan fan.

You know what she really likes, she likes, she doesn't, she can't stand. well, she kind of can't stand. Conan. Like, if I'm listening to a podcast, like, if I was doing something in the house. And she goes out for an hour and she'll come back and I'm listening to the podcast on the speakers. And she would just like, You know, she is like our house's version of Sona, where she would just like, eyes rolling God, this is so funny.

Wait, I'm sorry, excuse me. What the fuck Dave? and it's a word that's become popular here in America. What the fuck, Dave? She doesn't like Conan O'Brien, but she likes Jordan Slansky.

I don't know if she likes Jordan Slansky. Certainly, she's fascinated by Jordan Slansky, which, you know, there's. There is a positive side to it, I guess, but yeah, she, she, just, she, just. she just doesn't get it. Conan What can I say?

I don't know this is upsetting to me, Dave, because I, I don't understand a world, I don't understand. A world where you could have chosen a partner in life who doesn't like my comedy.

Look at the two partners you have here today.

I'm just blocking them out. This is this is very upsetting, Dave.

In my defense, I didn't realize that till far too late. We actually had moved in together and talking about those kind of, you know, those kind of growing pains in your relationship when you move in together. That was, you know, if you want, for the sake of the podcast, I'll pretend that was a big incident in a relationship.

No, no, no, no, no, I don't want you to pretend anything. If anything. I wish you had pretended that Claire was was enamored with me. You could have managed that, but no, you could not. He can't even listen to the podcast in his house.

Pretty much, yeah.

Is it the tone of his voice or the content of his voice, or both?

I think it's everything.

I'm starting to feel bad about this. But I mean, if I'm just going to answer the question, I think it's more just that idea of he thinks he's so funny. I mean, to me, I think she completely misses the point where it's like, you know, you're, you know, you're you, you're like a machine gun of of of ideas and wish. And it's just like it's for some people, and it's not for some people. That will seem like trying too hard. But for you, it's like, you know, I know you're the kind of guy that if you kind of crash landed into a jungle by yourself, you'd. You know, you'd be painting faces on rocks and doing cartwheels for them, you know, sooner than you'd be looking for water.

That is absolutely genuinely that is an exact that's an exact description of what I would do in any survival situation.

I genuinely Conan, if I may be genuine for a moment, I genuinely do love that about you. But I think she kind of sees that as maybe a little bit desperate, which I don't, of course, but you know.

Right, so, Claire.

Have you met Sona, have you met Sona.

Claire thinks that there's an would you say that Claire thinks there's a neediness to Conan O'Brien?

100 yeah, 100%.

And she finds that, I'm going to say, repellent.

Sounds like we should get her on the pod.

You could also say, yeah, repellent, repulsive, yeah, yeah.

I'm curious, one thing does she know that you're talking to me right now?

She does, but I've, I've. I've made sure to lock two sets of doors in between us.

Because, God forbid, she heard even a second of my voice.

100 actually, you know what genuinely she was like? I put in the mail to talk to you guys ages ago, and it was so long ago. I'd kind of forgotten about it. So I was kind of surprised when I got the message back.

We're not very organized here. I'll just put that out there. So you were surprised that I was going to call and did she say, Oh, not that horrible, man?

No, like I say. I was surprised when I got the email, but I was almost like, I don't know. It's like, should I do it? It's like, you know, kind of getting a bit nervous about the idea of doing it now that it was a reality. And she was like, No, you should absolutely do it.

Yes, what she said was better you than me.

She's going to love now that I've thrown her under the bus like this, you know, we've been talking about this for what?

For 10 minutes. Yeah, well, I mean, I can't get beyond it. You could probably you could list a million other facts right now, like, Well, you've just been made president of Ireland.

I'm worried for Claire, you're going to show up on her doorstep and this is scary.

No, it's not. I'm pleased. We all know I'm not a physical threat. I'm a very weak man, but I will. This is going to haunt me for a little bit.

Why?

Why isn't Claire like me? That's what's going to happen, I'm telling you that right now, Dave.

So I kind of kind of saw you as more like, you know, I'll show them, you know, that kind of like fighting Irish like, I mean, yeah, but you see what I do next?

Yes, well, there's that component of it, but there also I need, I need to win Claire over.

Yeah, but it's on a fundamental level, like you just need to change yourself as a, as a person. And then go meet Claire. Because you can't stop that neediness that you have and that's the part of you she doesn't like.

Do you think it's possible?

I noticed Masha's staying out of this.

Oh, no, he's, he's covered himself with a pillow. I'm so scared. Sona, do you think it's possible that there are more women like Claire out there than I could? Is Claire the only one, or do you think there are other women out there to think? Yeah, Conan, there's a little bit of a desperation there as your employee.

I'm going to say, be honest, then, yeah, of course, there's a lot, not just women, but men too. There's a lot of people out there who probably like Conan.

Yeah, this is, this is, this is, this is like an intervention.

You know, why can't you focus on the fact that Dave is a big fan of yours and he likes you? Why do you have to focus on Claire?

Why? Because that's the way it works. OK, I know that I've got Dave, I've got Dave, and now I'm obsessed with, what don't I?

Just chill in the tent, why do you have to go out there? The tent's fun.

Gourley and I are in the tent, we got our pillows, you guys are in the tent too. No, you're not in this tent.

Well, why we want to be in the tent?

Because you're the one that told me there are plenty of people out there that don't like me. So I kicked you out of the tent three minutes ago.

You made me answer.

Did you just say every person in the world likes you? Come on, you know that.

I just assumed they did.

You'd also have to change, you'd also have to change the name of this podcast.

All right, I know it's the needs is in the title of your podcast. All right, your trademark, all right.

You guys were known as the chill chums, like, what the hell has been on here?

I know we're well. First of all, Dave, you're right, we introduced you to the equation. We were the chill chums. I'm perfectly chill over here.

Dave, What would be the best way for Conan to win over Claire? like, does she have a vulnerable avenue or something she would appreciate that Conan could?

I think he'd have to be into that, you know, like, and I'm definitely, I'm definitely not this guy. But for Conan to turn this thing around, I think he'd have to turn into, you know, those kind of like the high school movie guy where it's like he doesn't give a damn and just doesn't even look bad. Yeah, be a bit of a bad boy, I'd say.

I got it. I think I think you're right. The problem is that's fundamentally not who I am, but you're saying if I, if I showed up and I was a cool guy.

I'm curious about who Claire likes, like, what kind of who's the who's someone she likes?

What's she into? I mean, like, she's into like, kind of grunge music and stuff like that. I'm kind of, you know, kind of heavy metal and stuff. Oh, she likes heavy metal.

You guys, that's OK, that's all right, don't worry about it, I love that.

Yeah, that's right up there with Patty.

What should I call it?

What do you call it? We don't call it helicopter.

When did people? when did people stop saying?

Airplane, I guess, I think, when they change the spelling.

Yeah, I didn't know they ever called it an aeroplane.

SMITH Yeah, ok, ok, listen, Dave, you took us down a very unproductive path there.

You can be a grunge guy.

Yeah, can we get a taste of this? Like you knock on the door, I'm Claire, open the open.

Who is it? Well, can you try an Irish accent?

Fucking hell, who is it?

It's someone to party, walker.

There's a helicopter outside, let's go hurry up.

That's, that's amazing, Matt. you've captured her timbre perfectly.

Oh yeah, hey Dave here.

Who's Dave and who are you?

I'm just fucking here to see Dave. Oh my god, we're going to just I don't, we're going to go play some grunge or something.

I don't know. Saints be praised, you have a name.

Hey, look, where's Dave? Is he here or not? I don't have time to talk to you.

Dave may be here, but he's gone from my life because you're all I care about.

Just step aside, would you? Lady Dave? Dave? I'm not even going to make eye contact with you, Dave. Where's Dave? I got to go? We got to go to that grunge club.

Oh my god, why'd your voice change?

Called Grungies, we got to go to grungies. you go to grungies. I love grungies. we're going to go have a pint at grungies.

I was just pouring a bowl of grungies.

Lady, I'm not here to see you. OK, OK, I don't form attachments.

It's like Sylvester Stallone.

I got to go fight Carl Weathers.

Dave, forget about Dave, I'm here.

Look, I'm not interested in you, I'm a guy who hits it and quits it.

What if I change my name to Adrian?

You're Adrian, I'm not here to talk to you.

Saints be praised Saint Miguel Bigora.

Jesus Christ, I'm just a guy that's really good at sex, doesn't make eye contact with women. What the fuck I want to talk to Dave?

Yeah, good, good, sorry. Who are you?

It's me, it's Conan O'Brien, you can wear it.

Go out to that grunge club. Wait, you're Conan O'Brien, fuck off.

No, thank you police. The name, the name sounds familiar, but uh, you know.

Oh, you don't think this is the real me? Oh, you didn't think I'd be this buff in person? Yeah, I work out. I worked out on the aerial plane on the way over here.

I think you've got your wish, though you probably ended our marriage, so.

No, I didn't want to end your marriage. You should have a trial separation until she, until she and her assets should be seized, until she tells me that I'm funny.

Thank you, I look forward to it.

Yeah, yeah, a lovely fellow Dave. And I promise you, if and when I do make it to Ireland, there'll be no paddywhackery from this fella. OK, there'll be none of that.

Come and visit me.

Well, visit the both of you, you and your, your wife.

She probably won't pay much attention to you.

Oh, you will see about that.

Thank you.

We'll see about that. I hear a challenge thrown down, yeah.

I'm, I'm, I'm warming up, we're firing up the helicopter and the aeroplane. You'll be hearing from me, pal, oh, you'll be hearing from me.

Cheers, thanks a lot, Conan, and thanks to all your staff and stuff as well, they've all been great.

Well, no, it's seriously a joy talking to you. you're a very funny fellow and I do hope we cross paths one day.

Thanks, thanks for having me Conan.

All right, take care.

Thanks Dave. good luck. see you, bye bye.

Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien. Sonam Obsessian and Matt Gourley Produced by Me Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs. Nick Liao and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.