Roy Wood Jr.

And I feel thankful about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

And I feel like I have two friends with me right now. Sonam obsessian, Hmm, and I believe it's Matt, Matt, Matt, Gorley. I think we're pals.

We have a good flow, people like the way that we work together. That's weird that you have people like our kind of relationship. Even though I don't think we do. I don't think that's important, yeah.

The chef doesn't have to love what he's making, I see, you know, and he doesn't. He probably should.

Yeah, yeah, why would he make something he doesn't like? That doesn't make sense? What a terrible chef.

What are we doing here? Here you go, some more shit I make.

Why did you become a chef? I heard I like the hat, it's fun to wear it, it's called a toque, all right?

Even watching you eat it makes me sick, but you stayed in it because of the toque. Why are you going over this again and again? We established everything. It seems like bad improv trick.

Not at all. I'm just trying to say that you tasted things and then we've gone through it. Why do you repeat so much? Well, it turns out I was struck by lightning as a child, and so I tend to overset things up. That's what I do.

You and I could be friends, both struck by lightning. You set things up, right. I tend to set things up now, just to summarize, you were hit by lightning. Oh, I'm going to fucking kill you.

And then it made you go over things too much. When you're doing a podcast, is that right?

Man, I don't know where that one started, but I think we had a good time, We had a good journey. Oh man, we learned a lot, I think about ourselves.

I learned you can do a French accent, a German accent and an Italian accent all at the same time, and they all end up sounding Russian. Oh, by the way, that guy was from Croatia. Oh no, okay, all right.

Yeah, okay, so anyway, I just wanted to clear the air on that. You know why Croatia popped into my head? I took Uber today to get here, and I'm a guy who talks to the driver.

I'm one of those people, I don't know where you guys fall on this. No, I choose no conversation. Do you really do that? I do?

I'm not good at small talk, I don't mean that to be antisocial, but I want to sleep. Okay, and what about you, Sona? I do both.

So I'm either not talking at all or he's coming up into my apartment checking out the sofa I'm trying to get rid of. And that's a true story, what? That's a true story, Sona. You've got to have boundaries.

Yeah, I know you've got to have boundaries. You're right, you're right, that's funny that you're either, or?

I'm going to tell you this, I've seen the little switch that says no, that you can tap, that says no conversation.

I'm afraid that if I hit that, they're going to think, Oh, I'm driving a stuck-up snob and so I will never hit that. And then I go too far the other way where they hit it on you, trust me.

I think some of these people would, because I say, I mean, this guy today, I could tell he was from, you know, and I said, Well, where are you from? And a lot of times, this is actually works out nicely because there are many drivers who are Armenian. Yeah, then we chat and they know that I've been to Armenia with you.

We have a good conversation and they like that, I know, like three words and English in English. But then today the guy was from Croatia and we were just talking back and forth. And I got his whole story, like his whole life story. It was actually pretty fascinating. And so I got out of the car and I felt like, Oh, good.

I really, I really got to know that guy, I hope he liked it too. You made a friend. He had no idea who I was, he was asking me what I do.

And I just said, I just work in television, I'm a TV repairman, I fixed flat screens, but we had a it was.

It was really nice. I don't know, cool, you made a new friend? No, I don't.

I think, I think that's it. Oh, I think that's it. Well, at least it was pleasant. I think you have to be, too. If you're not a pleasant person, I could like people, and if someone recognizes you, then.

Well, this is something I'm very envious of. Are the people who have made their reputation? And we like a Jack Nicholson or a Harrison Ford, or like people who are, you know, these big stars? Obviously in this whole other caliber than anything I would ever be. But if you went up to them and said, Hey man, and they said, fuck off, you'd say, Wow, yeah, that's so cool. I'm not that person.

If someone came up to me and I went, you better fuck off.

It's like, you're an asshole, dancing around like an idiot on TV, you acting all friendly, you're a sham. And then they would just start hitting you with a two by four. That's true.

That's true, yeah, I know, but that's I don't. I mean, you can't be that guy you can't be like.

So I don't, I don't, I don't. No, no, no, I don't. I don't have that. Incredible, so I'm not self-possessed like that, and I also.

Those are people that are larger than life, you see them on the screen, and they're larger than life. I managed to be much smaller in life because people have seen me on small televisions. MM Hmm, well, and you need people to like you.

Yeah, you mean, oh, like, I need a friend? Yeah, yeah.

Oh yeah, breakthrough here. Yeah. I think they could, like, punch someone in the face and people like, Oh my god, punch me in the face, and then with you, they sue you.

Well, also, they'd have to feel it first, and it's like, Is that a cool breeze? I just gave you a chop to the jaw. I just I just played a little chin music with with my right hook. Oh, I didn't really.

Oh, so, you struck me? Yes, I did. Oh, I thought I thought a very old butterfly had a stroke and then a cool wind blew it against my cheek. But if you struck me, I'm suing you now. All right, I'll pay up.

I don't think that would go too well, but anyway, were you signaling me that I should get on with it? Yeah, that was awkward, because then I just looked at you and you didn't signal me I did.

I held up the rap sign, I know, but I didn't. I saw something in my peripheral vision and this is a note to all my would be attackers. I think I'm losing my peripheral vision.

Oh, so ninjas, time to get me. I saw a little flash. Oh, I saw. I saw a finger, a middle finger go up for, I think. For half a second, I was just itching my eye. OK, well, again, peripheral vision starting to go.

You thought now that your peripheral vision is going away? Now Ninjas can attack you as even before you had it. I think ninjas are going to be fine with a full frontal assault on you. I think. First of all, I think there's a whole many, many, many different sections of the Assassin League that have been trying to get me for years. But I have legendary peripheral vision. So the Ninjas have just been waiting around, smoking cigarettes, playing mahjong, waiting.

Ninjas don't smoke cigarettes? Yes, they do. Oh, they're such chain smokers.

They puff away well, now they do e-cigarettes, those ones that smell like bubble gum, like, Do I smell bubble gum? Oh, look, ninjas. Waiting for Conan to lose his peripheral vision and reading U.S. magazine, they broke up.

They sure did. Oh, they seem like such a good couple. Hey, I just heard from an eye doctor that Conan's losing his peripheral vision. Everyone, get your throwing stars.

Live tour tickets are available at Livenation..com. I'm just happy he's here.

Roy Wood Jr.

Welcome.

Maybe comic view, but that was only two or three years. But like, there was a stretch in my career where you were the only show that would work me and me. And J..P. Buck, who was your talent, your stand-up booker?

And I met J.

P Years earlier on Star Search, The Star Search reboot with Arsenio in Like, 2002 or something. That was the only four and a half minutes I was on television every year for four years was your show.

And that single credit would get me another year in the college market, which got me enough money to stay in L..A. another year. Because the colleges were paying the bills, the road money was negligible.

Because at this point, I moved to L.

A I was making like $1,200 a week minus commissions, minus airfare, so it's just a break-even. Damn near, but that show, man.

But I'll tell you this, and this is true. I wasn't doing you any favors because you were always funny, you're always funny.

And you're so good. So when I could say, Okay, I've got an hour, we've got an hour of show to do tonight. But there's six minutes or seven minutes at the end that Roy is going to take over and it's going to be really good.

You're doing me a favor. So it works both ways. It's one of those things where it's just a two-way street. So you always brought a lot of professionalism and really funny stuff to my show. And I wanted to start today by saying that I saw your performance on the White House chorus Months dinner.

And I thought you were fantastic, I thought you were absolutely fantastic. And I've done that venue, I've played that thing twice, once under Clinton.

But the hardest one was following Obama and Obama he had.

He was hosting the Daily Show, he had audiovisual, he had all this stuff, he had all these writers working on it, he had.

I mean, it was perfectly produced. I think he spent more time on that White House Chorus months dinner than he did. I bet the economy tanked the week that he did the chorus months dinner. And he just. And so my experience was.

And I'm sure it's maybe it's the same, but you sit with the first lady. Is that your experience?

And Obama's up there and he's killing, and I know I'm supposed to follow him. And I've got all these jokes, which I think are pretty good.

I've worked hard on it. He's they don't let you know what the president's going to do, and the president gets to go first. So you're there with all these jokes you've been working on for six months.

And they're saying, Obama's up there and he'll do one. That's kind of close to something that I was going to do. Yeah, because it's all the same stuff in the news.

I throw my blue cards and take out the ones that he's touching to drop them. But at the same time, Michelle Obama's talking to me and she's saying, So, your children are how old now? Conan? And at one point, and it's so funny.

Because she's the greatest, she's such a lovely. I'm friendly with her, She's such a lovely person, she's the star in every room.

She's beautiful, she's really funny, but in this one moment, I'm thinking, Would you please leave me alone? Shut up.

They were like he was focusing on his stuff, he didn't have time to chit chat.

It's a crazy kind of show business, but it's a fascinating experience. I later got to talk on this program, I got to talk to President Obama, and I said, You know, it's so unfair. I said, You're so good.

And you've got all the best material and you are the most powerful person in the world. And comedy is all about status. And you get to go first. And then, with no ceremony, the minute he's done, they just go like, No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Yes, yeah, but thanks for that information. Bill Barr's here. okay, cool. Oh, Caitlyn Jenner's here. okay, cool, and it's a lot. But it's just trying to figure out at that point where to add a joke. I would say, that's when the set for me was like, okay.

These are the jokes. Yes, Fauci.

Biden stepped on. I had a Rupert Murdoch Fox News joke that I just threw out altogether because Biden's was funnier. Yep, and I just I could do mine, but it's not gonna. Why even bother? And then his Tucker Carlson and Don Lemon stuff hit so hard that I reordered.

Yeah, I changed the bag in order to create more space between those two topics for me.

It's chatting you up about, you know, what college do you think your daughter might be?

There's a lot of that shit, the week of get DMS from people that particular news organizations. Hey man, how you been? you ready for Saturday? I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to butter me up, yeah, so I don't go after you. Yeah, so no, she was, she was very nice. But we're not talking policy and how to solve immigration, right?

Barbecue tastes different from Carolina barbecue. Yes, you're right, it does. It's still such a weird event. And then how? For me, and I don't know if this was right. But I chose to also have a care of concern for how the outside world would consume my performance.

Mm-hmm, because everyone goes, Oh, it's corporate, treated like a corporate gig for an auto manufacturer company. You're just gonna do your car jokes, car industry jokes, and they're gonna like them.

And I kind of want to have a joke that they kind of, yeah, would relate to. So how do we balance the two? And so then it just became how to use pop culture, yep, in there, as kind of the glue. Like, for as long as you hear a word of a thing that you recognize and you're familiar with. Yeah, like the joke at the top about the Fox News. I'm not gonna do any jokes about Dominion because Dominion will come after you. Matter of fact, Dominion is my favorite machine.

Also Gwyneth Paltrow Yes, and I go ah.

You know what I mean? And I thought, So, yeah, you can get up there and you can go after Tucker Carlson. But you're also had plenty of stuff on Don Lemon. And it was pretty clear that you were not playing favorites with the right or the left, which I think is really important right now.

Sure, but if you go at Biden too soon, you lose the whole room. Yeah, because you haven't earned their trust. With any joke, it's like, So what do you do?

Biden has to laugh, you know? And it's also a really funny joke. It's a really funny joke that you can relate to, and it's not. But I thought what was really smart is the first thing you do when you got to the podium because you got to get him early, first thing you do when you got to the podium, she said. Oh, there's, I think you left some documents up.

And it's just silly, because it's so silly that he accidentally left some top-secret documents at the podium. And they cut to him. And he laughs, and it's like, You know?

Because you broke the ice. And it's also it's such a silly joke, like, you know, I mean, it's, it's. It's silly that he gets up on the podium.

I was, I was howling at, that was great, that right away that, but that was horrific because I can't, that was a bit.

You can try, but it's not possible. So I knew where the tentpole laughs were, I know where the support beams were. Yeah, but all that stuff in between. I didn't know if the doctor that document joke doesn't work. I'm screwed.

Yeah, Joel, yeah.

What do you mean drinking and fighting? And it like there was always something going on. So my mom to keep me from going to Powderly all the time. She got me in the boys club and then she also put a basketball goal in my yard. The way our yard was set up, we had really high trees, so we had the only shaded driveway and peak. 1 p..m. Alabama heat, so everybody would come from powderly.

Why play in direct sunlight when you'll play at Roy Woods House? And so people just come to and it was out of very smart of your mom to.

Three rows back, he's probably three rows back. And people in the neighborhood then knew that. Obviously, that respect probably emanated out from your father and your mother.

That's my pops, yeah. So that got me a lot of equity within the city. But I wouldn't say that I was even remotely like, on some funny sense of humor. Shit. Until high school, and even then it was only baseball because that was where you could be silly, because it's sports. It's a permission, especially in high school.

It's a perfect sports is permission to behave in ways you're not allowed to at school. Hmm, so you tell all the crash jokes you make fun of each other, like, and then we would. Just as a bench warmer in high school, your job is to heckle the other team.

Yeah, just heckle them into oblivion. I was good because that's all I had to do, so there were days where I would literally sit and write heckles in class.

Every game was to break.

But not realizing that that was essentially just honing. improv job, Sure, yeah, and just working on crowd work. it's a crowd works well, all this stuff.

And they're getting to turn to, turn to, and they're pulling even. It's Roy next to Monica, Monica coming up on outside, coming up on the inside of Sergeant major, Sergeant major, Sergeant Majors coming at me.

That was, that was who I was. Yeah, just so. We're laughing, it's we're running around the space. And that's when you start learning about comedy as this like tool of manipulation, it's it's literally. I bet you, I can make you detour from whatever your mental objectives are right now by doing something.

It's like tickling with your mouth. Yes, yes, yes.

Would he have? What would he think of your career in as a stand-up? would he approve of that, of, of that move?

Like African civil wars, which are way worse in terms of body counts and the heinousness, because a lot of that goes under reported, right? So he's seen stuff, so nothing's funny to him, and so case in point, when he worked at WVO in in Chicago. My father was the first news director at this Black owned Black news station, and we are a news station that only does Black news like it. Like at the end, in NPR stood.

Yeah, that's where Don okay, don's Don. Cornelius's origin story. He was a member of law enforcement for about a year. Less than two, for short, pulls my dad over in the course of giving my father a ticket. My dad just goes. You have a nice voice.

Here's my card Quit doing this shit. Come by the radio station. So Don Cornelius starts in radio under my father as a reporter at WVO in and during that time, as Don's understanding the media grows, he comes up with the idea for Soul Train. Comes to my dad.

My dad was one of the initial investors and gave Don some of the money that he used ultimately for the first pilot for Soul Train. And then, when it came time to give my dad his money back, Don Cornelius goes to my father. It's like, Hey man, instead of me paying you back, why don't you just stay on board? You know, I, I wouldn't, you know, this is.

I just want you to be a part of this. To which my dad told Don Cornelius and I quote, Motherfucker, nobody wants to watch niggas dance for an hour. Give me my fucking money. So my dad just was not with party culture. Yeah, he was not did it fun, he just couldn't see also.

You ain't gonna be nobody's fool all this joking and shucking. Get that lesson.

We borrowed jerseys from the partners in neighborhood Growth, which was like the Police Athletic League at the time in Birmingham. So you have a community league that has jerseys. We're borrowing their jerseys. That's how poor our school was. And then my dad is like, now I get your ass about it.

Yeah, it was very embarrassing, and I just remember after that, I just never tried to be funny around him again. Because just you're not with jokes, bro. He was a lot of things, he was not hilarious.

Just churches and community centers and anything. Within three hours of Birmingham, I was the driver and hey boy, get off that Nintendo, come take me to Tupelo.

Yeah, and I would just sit and just watch him just destroy with just words, but I knew I couldn't do that. It wasn't until Kenny Maine. There's four people, it's Stuart Scott, it's Kenny Maine, it's Jenny. Most from CNN and this guy Van Earl, right, who at the time was at CNN Headline News. I think he bounced around to a couple of sports organizations.

But those four people were kind of like the brain Trust and then Honorable mentioned Afraid Hickman RIP. But like those people within journalism were fun and quirky, Jenny Moves did offbeat stories. I didn't really do sports, right? But it was quirky, weird shit. I was like, all right, that's interesting.

Stuart talks like me, Van Earl, right? That was the era of when headline news was a 30-minute repeating broadcast and the sports section was 90 seconds. And they had a guy, and it's crazy to think about this now, but there was a guy at a time, people were in 90 seconds. He had to give you the score of every game of the Big Four sports in this country.

Yeah, ape shit, like talking speed and some bone thugs and harmony, but he enunciated every word. He had humor. Sure, you know, J's down to raise like no time for the score of the game, just who won?

Yeah, gang, he's faulted the Clippers, Clippers.

Damn, it's the family business. I didn't really plan on that because I really wanted what I wanted to be was like a firefighter. Up until, like, my senior year of high school. And then Stuart Scott was the thing that, like, finally pushed me over the edge. So I get to school. I start doing journalism classes, part of the prequisites for journalism classes, or theater classes for voice and diction public speaking.

You have to take a public speaking class as well, within the public speaking class you had to take. You had to take an impromptu speaking. That was like a month was impromptu speaking. During that month of impromptu speaking, the teacher would give you a subject.

You go out in the hall for 90 seconds or three minutes. Whatever she gave you, and you come back in and give a speech on that topic as if you were an expert. So it was like improvised Ted talks. Every time I did it, I got a laugh, yeah, cuz I didn't know what I was doing, and it was clear.

I didn't know what I was doing, to the point where the teacher accused me of trying to. You know, you're making fun of this. I'm like, I'm not, I'm, I don't know why, they laugh.

The fact that they laugh, yeah, so I will come back in. And that was the manipulation again. That training is also improv training in a way.

Oh, you're teaching me how to create a documentary or write out a story doc, right? You know, before you write a script, you must think about where you're going. what story are you trying to tell? So the script writing class was very pivotal to, and like, the entertainment juices starting to flow.

Yep, and so I had always been curious about stand-up comedy. I went and watched it a couple times. I went to Florida A&M, but Florida State had comedy more frequently. Hmm. And so I would go over to Florida State and watch their stand-up shows once a week. Or whatever. Just to see who's new Bobby Lee like, was there? Like, like, just guys that are just titans now. But at the time, we're just just on the rise.

Aries Spears Like a lot of, a lot of the mad TV folks, some SNL. And so at the same time, me and my buddies were stealing jeans from the mall, like, that's my, that's just my thing. I wanted to look nice, it was not some big because, you know.

What's fucked up about getting arrested in this country is that the police automatically assume you to be doing more than what they caught you for. Like, the I'd like. The concept of petty crime does not exist in our society psyche anymore. It can't just be a kid, being a kid. It's just, oh, no.

What were you up to? What else are you doing? Are you dealing with Al Qaeda? Sorry, what?

Yeah, yeah. Credit card fraud ring that's tied to Al Qaeda, and now Qaeda has been using credit cards to purchase it. Hey man, I took a credit card that wasn't mine. I bought some jeans to impress a girl that lives up the street from campus. That's what I did.

Okay, that's all it was. So, yeah, this idea of going to prison, or thinking or assuming I was going to prison, that was enough for me to go. Let me try comedy, yeah, but then. But here's the upside, though. I got suspended from school for, like, almost a year.

For what? Because you can't be enrolled and commit felonies. They're like, you need to go somewhere and sit your ass down. Mm-hmm. Because I'm working in the campus Post Office at the time, and so that's what we're getting the credit cards from. So if you commit the crime on, you took the credit card from campus.

So therefore, that is the crime that I say, going to suspend you on, right? Even if, even if the Feds go, we're just gonna hit you for credit card as the actual charge. You still did this act on campus, yeah, and that is duplicitous, that is not reflective of a rat get the fuck off the campus.

So I'm suspended, but then I get my financial aid check. I still whatever. God bless the federal student loan inefficiency. And knowing what I know now. They just sent me the money so that they could keep hitting my ass with the interest. But I had a check for $8,000 and nowhere and nothing to do for, like, five months. All right, let's go do some open mics. And so that money became the front money for the beginning of me.

Doing open mics around the south, just like riding a bus, you know? For the most part, I was sleeping the bus day. I hoarded the money because I didn't know what I would get it, you know, get me more. But paid rent off of Golden Corral and the financial aid money. That was the money. I used to start my comedy career and then I get back in school and.

Just fucking Dean's list the rest of you. Because at this point, my mom, my mom, found out like, no one knows that I'm doing this shit. I know my mom's not gonna approve, cuz, you know, I almost went to jail, but, uh, I got it figured out. Joyce, I'm gonna just sleep in bus stations.

And stand up will be my way. Trust me. Yeah, everything's fine. College administrator of 40 years. This is a solid plan. One of her students saw me sleeping in the bus station and snitched on me. And that's how my mom found out I was doing comedy.

It's like, at this point, I was almost a year into it and she asked me to stop. I refused. And I said, Well, how about this if I make good grades, cuz my grades were shaky up into that point? Like I was like a two, three, two, four student?

I go, how about this? If I make good grades while I do comedy, you have to shut the fuck up. Like, not like that, but like, that was the basic deal, right? If I make good grades, you have no say on anything else that happens in Florida. And she goes cool, and then I made Dean's list, and then she bought me a car.

It's like one of the one of those rare bombs, like a local bomb coffee machine was still going. Like, she didn't see me at the Ramada, in where I normally do well. She saw like she came and saw an open mic because she was in town for some other shit. Yeah, and I bombed, and that was her image of me doing comedy for like, the next, like, fucking three, four years.

And then when I, when I'm. I graduated and I moved back to Birmingham. And I started performing at the Stardome, which is like the big-time club there still is, and the Stardome again. Her students and her co-workers would see me and they would go to her. Oh, we saw your son, your son is funny and enough of that. And then my mom was like, Okay, well, let me let me go investigate this stuff.

This is to try and help get responsible young journalists out there and give them a start. You talk about the lack of support for local news and how important local news is. You give a shout out to your mom, who's they? Put a camera on her and you can tell that this is an amazing full circle. I got all these chills, you know, I'm now, too.

I also may have been ill, I may have had an infection.

And then I got really sick. No, I did the fish or the steak.

It's not even an argument. My mom has done more for people in the city of Birmingham than I could ever do. Just from the countless students that she's helped get across the graduation stage, into their careers, who are now prospering within the city. I. It's interesting in that I can be in public and I can have people come up and go. I love the Daily Show, but when I'm in Birmingham, it's people coming up and telling me stories about my mom.

Yeah, man, let me tell you man, yo mama made sure that I and I got pregnant, and my mama made your mama made sure I didn't drop out. So she doesn't hear those stories, she didn't get told.

Thank you enough, in my opinion, for just everything that she's ever done, not just for me, but just for this is thank you for everything. Sure, just a whole life thing.

Him leaving was not a shock to me. When was more of the shot and how? Yeah, you know, yeah.

Just him taking control over his own life decisions. So I respect it, I I enjoy it. I've had a lot of fun on the Daily Show. The question becomes, What is Late-night changing into? Because our job is to parody the news.

But if the way people get their news is changing, then the vehicles and how we parody have to match. The evolution of how news is consumed. Yeah, but how news is being consumed, that's the question that has to be explored and looked at. How do you parody?

It's very stiff and form. Universally, everybody understands, understands, and then so a parody of it is kind of delightful, but we always knew you can't parody. The National Enquirer. I think Saturday Night Live struggles with that.

A lot of people who were former consumers of information now purport themselves to be distributors, yeah, of information. And we regular Joe Blow people accept them as aggregators at well, this guy, Tim said it, so let me see what Tim has to say. He's got a good camera and that's a nice lens.

I got a good beanbag chair behind. Yeah, I follow him on YouTube now, yeah, so there are more people putting information out there as well. And I think, to a degree, you know, as a society, as a country, at least, we've become okay with not caring who we get our news from. Yeah, or the accuracy of it.

And I think that the parody lies in that. Yeah, I think the parody lies not necessarily in what the news of the day is, but the delivery method of it. You know, and as we would, you know, people go to bed, like, let's just be real about the ladings, the ratings of linear television. There's a hole. Yeah, not even late night.

Everything's going down, so if ratings are going down, part of it is because people are laying in bed. Looking at Tim and his beanbag and his LED light. Because that's just as good and entertaining for them as.

Polished on a shiny floor studio. Yeah, I.

Maybe that time will go back to the affiliates. Everyone's speculating, but you know, who knows what's gonna happen? I do have to say this because I know you're a busy man. I want to let you go, but I do sincerely feel really good that you're out there. I, you're a you're a really good man.

You're very thoughtful and crazily talented, and I'm glad you're out there and you're thinking about this. Because I think it makes me feel better about the whole. I'm serious, I'm being honest with you, it makes me always have been very impressed with you, and I'm just the more you do, the more just crazily impressed.

I am so go forth, continue doing great work and I know that we're in good hands. When I meet people much younger than me who were, you know, ethical and and wise and creative, I feel better, I sleep better at night. So thank you, seriously.

Thank you brother. yeah, appreciate you for having me. well, I appreciate you now please get out.

I wanted it to end with me throwing you out.

So we came up with some ideas for sandwiches, I guess they're selling them at EJ's Luncheonette. I'd like to know what's going on, you know, do you have an update here? That's right, I've been talking a little bit with Jay, who seems like a wonderful person.

Sona, you had a euro? mm-hmm. you had a corned beef kind of thing, yeah, and I had a maddie melt on Hawaiian bread. Yeah, what it was called, yeah. And then he gave me an update on this.

Okay, and also he put the chilled chum cocktail on there. Remember that from this is a good fan. Yeah, he really knows his stuff, he said. Just wanted to thank you for everything. I hope you all enjoy having your own sandwich.

It was an honor and a pleasure to do them. Should we add the cocktail? Blah, blah, blah, blah. And then just a fun fact for you. The Maddie melt almost doubled the amount sold of Conan and Sona sandwich on the first day. Hmm, things have leveled out since with Conan Sandwich and Sona's Euro.

Thanks again for everything you guys to do, you've made my day slash week, slash month, slash year. That's very sweet. Wait a minute. First of all, what he's saying is that initially your sandwich took off and ours did not.

I mean, I was probably did fine, but yours went through the roof, yeah, yours again. What's in it? It's Hawaiian bread, and then it's a patty melt, essentially.

Yeah, okay. And mine was, I believe, your classic corned beef Russian dressing, mm-hmm. But I think it's on a bulky roll, possibly.

I don't know, I mean, that's a great sandwich. And then mine was a euro without tomatoes. Okay, yeah, what's a euro?

Again, a euro is a, it's a, it's a, it's Greek. And yes, sandwich with with, like, donut, lamb, donut and lettuce, and tzatziki, right, and onions. Okay, so your sandwich was the initially the clear winner, but what I find curious is it then your sandwich was fast out of the gate? But now it feels like it's the mania, for it has died down. No, I wouldn't say that.

People wanted to give the other ones a shot and then probably we're gonna see a huge boost in the Maddie Meld again. As they realized that was a mistake and they couldn't go back to their true love. Or they tried it and it sucked, but why would they try it so much? Well, initially? It's not the same, people buying it over and over, it's not, it's not.

I'm out there buying No. First of all, we all know that you hired people Confederates agents to go in there and purchase your sandwich to to game the system. I think there's a lot of people who aren't familiar with Hawaiian bread. They thought it was exotic. They probably thought it was a way to win a free trip to Hawaii. And so that that probably skewed things a little bit.

Then they came to their senses and said, Man, corned beef Russian dressing, that's a classic. There's no human that tastes Hawaiian bread that will ever go back, it's that good. What if I can find someone who's had a taste of Hawaiian bread and didn't like it there?

They don't exist. Isn't Hawaiian bread? Small? Yeah, I think you can get it bigger, can you? Yeah, normally they come a little slider, bun.

Yeah, yeah, so it's like a slider. So maybe you were selling so many because people, yes, more, thank you. In order to know, look at the size they needed seven of your sandwiches to equal one of mine.

And that's why yours dog old. More per sandwich, there's a big one piece, Let me say, a Hawaiian bread. Stop your bullshit, Dickory Hawaiian, I do.

Everyone, everyone. Oh, wait a minute, small, wait a minute, Sona. Of the three sandwiches, only one has an American flag sticking out of it. That's right, we cut this, remember? And it's Gourley's.

That's why you're out selling it, because we're a patriotic people, Americans. You cheated? No, because when you put that in, remember the 48 stars, I know, but I fucked up. I'm admitting that I. This alters the experiment. Because the fact that your sandwich is flying an American flag and you're Jiro, it's a Gyro, I mean, you can pronounce it, Gyro, like, yeah, gyro.

There you go, it's also Hawaiian bread. Yeah, okay, and it is a corned beef. What? it is a corned beef, anyway. This is what's happening.

Your sandwich looks like it's pro-American. Our sandwiches are neutral, but if you're buying something at EJ's Luncheonette, you assume that our sandwiches are anti-American. Because if, well, maybe they are, if if one person on the streets flying the American flag, yeah, and the other two houses on either side, conspicuously or not, that means they're communist, maybe, or yeah. Are there anarchists or anarchists or socialists?

There's a market for those people and our yeah, which is are for those people. No, don't say that you hate America.

I don't think it is. No, it's regular, that's regular bread wearing a little Hawaiian shirt. No, that's what it is. Here's what I think we should do.

Jay's and I want to reach out, Aaron. We got to make this happen. We need to gold belly these three sandwiches to us, which is a service where you can fly food across the country. I think like it's in a little cooler, like you would put a heart in a trans wow, whatever. A responsible carbon footprint.

We're leaving, sir. We'd like three sandwiches named after ourselves. Flown in a jumbo jet, does it, each with a first-class seat. I mean, I don't want to say this, but we could just buy this stuff here and.

Like a true communist asshole, you guys want to get a whole cooler, send your sandwiches.

We're in show business, and people in show business have. I want a leg of lamb made up? It was slaughtered on Staten Island, flown to me immediately.

Just easier for all of you guys to fly to New York, you know what? No, Eduardo has a point. Yeah, we fly. Eat Jay, Jay, oh yeah here and make these sandwiches here.

Yeah, I want to update on what, what the sandwich selling rankings are like, what's the most current tally? Yeah, and who's winning? And if you're in New York and you don't buy this Euro, you hate Greek people, but you're an anarchist.

You're a socialist who hates Greek people. Sure melt, you get kicked out of the country, yeah.

By the way, honor working with both of you.

Truly greatest talents I've ever been associated with. All right, well, there, you've heard it. Go to EJ's luncheonette if you want to try our sandwiches. And I'm telling you corned beef Russian dressing. Why are we buying these then?

Why isn't he sending them to us? No, we want it. We want people to go to EJ's and buy these sandwiches. He's talking about having a service send them to us, like J.

Send us these sandwiches.

From sea to shining sea.

Stalin Brezhnev To.

Feet soup with beef aujoo All right, well, anyway, we'll get these sandwiches somehow, we'll figure it out and we'll do it. And I think a way that's responsible, yeah, yeah, irresponsible, that's important.

All right, we'll update you. God bless and good night. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien. Sonim Obsession and Matt Gourley Produced by Me, Matt Gourley, Adam Sachs, Nick Liao and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Your Wolf. Theme song by the White Stripes.

Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino Take it away, Jimmy.

Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer. Samples engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and Brit Khan. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan?

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