The Valentine’s Day Matchmaker Special

Hello and welcome to a special episode.

Yeah, okay, he got me a....

You're acting very weird, almost as if we taped this before Valentine's Day, and you are completely unable to pretend. Doesn't he usually get you flowers or something?

He got me flowers.

And your favorite chocolate?

Yeah, that's such good chocolate. And then he got me. We ate at a restaurant.

Wow, compelling story. No one tells it like you, what about you, Matt? Did you have a nice Valentine's Day?

Yeah, we ate at the top of the Empire State Building and then watched, taken on a blimp.

Nice, Okay, oh, we're making shit up then, no.

Okay, well, I went to Paris and I just got back this morning. Oh, really.

Yeah, we went to Paris. Did you meet your French character? and what did he sound like? Yeah, he was like, welcome to Paris.

They don't do Valentine's Day in Paris.

Have you ever thought of auditioning for Sign Out Live, just doing your French character and just taping a big fake mustache under your nose?

Yeah, I should.

Yeah, I'll arrange it.

A big fake mustache.

Yeah.

What does a mustache do?

It's just you're a French guy.

My French guy doesn't have a mustache. Oh, he's clean shaven.

Oh, then he's not French, okay?

Or happy with their non-relationship. Valentine's Day.

Yes, that's the third one I was getting to. I didn't mean to make it sound like there were only two. Oh, no, no, that was just me getting to the big. And I think the best one, which is being very happy, being just on your own for the time being.

We have limited time.

Anyway, I should point out this is a 15-hour segment. We have a special guest joining us today, someone who works on the show, the podcast here at the podcast company.

Hi, I'm good.

Were you waiting for me to get around to the point of this podcast? Yeah.

I've been here a while.

Yeah, let's see. We watched. You get older as you've been sitting here, Sam, you're quite young, and you've been working here at Conan. O'Brien needs a friend for how long?

Like, two and a half years, I think.

You having a good time, sure, okay?

She's pretty chill, I'm not going to say no.

But she meant no.

She wasn't very enthusiastic at all.

Very much behaving like a prisoner of war making a tape. But anyway, Sam, what is your job title here? I understand you recently got a promotion.

I did. I am now the social media producer.

Oh, very nice, very good. well, you do a terrific job.

Thank you.

I like working with you and with Ruthie. very much. thank you. you guys are cool and you seem to tolerate me.

Yeah, I feel that.

Well, anyway, it's a pleasure working with you as well, Sam.

I am.

And anything you want to say about that as backstory?

It was a short one.

Well, like I said, you're young, this is what you're supposed to be doing, just be meeting different people.

Hittin it and quittin it.

Hell yeah.

Oh yeah.

Plowin, and.

Okay, take it easy, chowin, chowin, I don't know.

It wasn't going anywhere.

That was awful. Plowin and Chowin. That's fantastic. Sam, you went through this breakup, you are newly single.

No.

No, well, are you thinking of going on an app?

Yeah, yeah.

I feel ready. Are you averse to an app or you're ready to do it?

No, no, that is how I historically have dated, okay?

Most people, most young people I meet today, use dating apps, and many of them quite successfully.

Oh, yeah, my last two relationships were from the apps. Yeah, okay.

Is there an app that you favor in particular? And this is not a commercial, so you can say whatever you want. We're not getting paid by anybody.

You know, Bumble's a good one, I like that hinge is good, Tinder's bad. Stay away from Tinder.

Tell me, what is it? I just want to know as kind of a friend, an employer, and kind of a pervy guy. What's the problem? What's the problem with Tinder?

It feels very like, hit it and quit it, kind of.

Plow it and chow it.

Plow it and chow it.

Yeah.

It's just a little scary.

Shag it and.

Bag it.

Bag it, yeah.

Like bag, it used to mean like, let's get out of here, you know, you shag, and then you bag, you know, no.

It sounds like you shag it and then you're murdering it, and then you put it in a bag, yeah.

That's implied, listen, if that's your thing, that's what happens. If you're going to murder someone, you've got to clean up after yourself. So you like Bumble, yeah?

Hinge is great.

How can we help you? I want to help you. I know that you are indifferent to me, but I like you, I really like that. You work at the company and you're bringing your creativity and your social media smarts and benefiting us.

I think, you know, help me with my prompts and all that.

Let's do that.

Designing it.

We could actually bring this profile up on the screens, we've kind of done a little bit.

Do we have that kind of technology? We do, okay.

Oh, look at that.

There I am.

You look great, Sam.

Those are beautiful photos.

Thank you.

I love that, I love those photos, okay, so I'm looking at your Bumble date profile and those are really nice pictures.

Thank you.

And I would just like to put in my own comment about Sam, which is incredibly cool and you seem to give a very amazing sense of humor, thank you. And so I think that's the Conan seal of approval. But let's go through the prompts and tell me how I can help.

I'm surprised you're not telling her to put a picture up of you.

I know.

Well, if you want to get some clicks.

What would be the best version of you in her photo? Not just a selfie, but how can we be creative? Where it's like, maybe you're deep in the background, staring down the camera or something like that, what? So it's just an odd. He's a lurker.

We could take that now, we could take one now.

Oh, you know what would be funny? What if Sam is pushing me in a wheelchair? And her hobby is taking care of Conan O'Brien, who's much more infirm than you think he is? I don't know. It just raises a lot of questions. First of all, you come across as very caring in this.

It's a hobby.

Is there one we could shoot right now?

What about I'm bringing you a drink like I work for you?

Yeah, oh, that'd be great.

Want to do that?

Mm-hmm.

You're going to help us out here, I could be handing this mug.

Oh, yeah, the mug. Yeah, sure.

And then I'm going to be bringing you a drink. Do I have the headphones on for this?

Absolutely okay.

I don't know, and Blai, you do this, wait for my microphone, but I think my dulcet tone's still here we go.

I love your hands. Ready to accept?

There we go, okay, that is me humbly serving you, Sam, that's good, and I look, I'm obsequious. I'm hoping that I please the almighty Sam.

We should use that as the main photo, I think.

Okay, so that's going to go on as a photo, that's very good. And then what's next? You young people, and I'm including everyone in this room who's not me, okay?

All right, so interests, you want to add some interests?

Yeah.

Sam Here's some interests that we've got. Here are the different categories of interests we have self-care, sports, creativity, going out, staying in film and TV. There's a lot of them. Wow.

Can I quickly say something? I worry that if there's too much stuff in the self-care area, it's going to send a signal that. You know, I'm neurotic. Do you know what I mean? Like? I spend a lot of time taking care of myself and thinking about myself. That's why, and this is, I'm a complete novice.

Sure, what do you think I do care about myself, though you do? yeah?

But I would say, let's just not go crazy on this and check every one.

So maybe just sleeping well, no, you could do more.

There could be more than one.

You can bring as many as you want.

I go to therapy.

Okay, well, so do I.

Yeah, we can do that.

And clearly, if anyone's listening to the podcast, I haven't been in a while, sleeping well and therapy. I think those are fine ones.

What if a guy's like, Ah, I really want a girl who can have a deep chat because I feel like Sam's deep.

Okay.

We could do that.

No, no, no, I'm not going to force it.

No, but deep chats this is so preliminary that I would worry that deep chats implies that that's going to be expected on the first date.

Oh, okay, do you know what I mean?

That's fine.

Hit it and quit it on there.

No, wait, guess what, I'm seeing sex positivity, though. yeah, if I did this, I'd be sex negativity.

None all right.

Already, you'd be a hit for me.

Oh, this one you're going to kill because you're very I know you're creative.

Thank you, you know, I like art.

Yes, you do.

And crafts making videos, that's a big part of my job. What kind of videos?

I know you make them for us, but do you do it on your free time? yeah.

Okay, for myself, yeah.

All right, but does it ever impinge on what I'm paying you for? Oh my god, maybe.

Maybe I post from here sometimes.

Okay, well, that's something we have to discuss. Okay, so that's an HR meeting.

Photography going out.

Let's go to going out. yeah, everyone goes out, right?

I don't go out very often.

Do you go to bars?

Not really.

Do you go cafe hopping? what? what does that even mean? what if you go to one cafe and just hop up and down?

You could put concerts all right, that's fine.

Put concerts down.

Oh, wait, guys, you can only we've reached our limit, you've chosen all five.

What?

You can only have five interests. Are you kidding me?

And are you able to enter your own?

Or do you have to choose theirs? I think you have to choose theirs. This is a scam.

But where do you?

Pets traveling? Oh, these are your most.

Oh, wait a minute. So we did this all wrong. I didn't realize you can only put in five, yeah.

Well, I think there's.

Leave it blank.

I don't put anything in here.

Oh, this is Joe, the engineer. I think we should have been talking to her all along. You sound like you know what you're talking about.

Joe's very cool, I trust her.

Yeah, Joe is super cool.

What's the strategy for putting in nothing?

So I just do photos all from the same room.

What, why? what do you mean?

Just, you know, just use the same room, like just different parts of the room, and then a bio, and that's it.

So, like, the zero effort adds an air of mystery.

I think just people ask you more questions about why you're in the same room.

I like what I'm hearing. Maybe we don't check any of these.

Yeah, take them off.

Take them off.

I trust her.

Joe, why didn't you say anything while we were completely screwing this up? You're so chill that you neglected to help us.

But some people like to put their interest in there and then you just have to answer a lot of questions about, like basketball.

Okay.

Even if your interest is cafe hopping.

Cafe hopping, that's weird, right?

Yeah, that's really weird, I don't know, I love it.

I just want to use like you love it.

I love cafe hopping.

Same photo.

It describes my life in my 20s. Was cafe hopping? Yeah.

Okay, we got to move along. We don't have much time for this, all right?

So, Joe, do you think we have profile prompts and then do you want to add a prompt?

Yeah, I would add a prompt.

Okay, now, this says pick a profile prompt. It's the perfect opportunity to show a little more of your personality.

I'm hoping you.

Keep it simple.

Guarantee you that you pick one.

Me.

Yeah, pick one out.

A non-negotiable would be if you're not a Conan fan.

No, that's fine, actually. It would be weird if they were a big Conan fan.

But don't you think?

Wait, hold it.

Why? Because then I would feel like they're trying to date me to get to you seriously.

I think that's going to happen already now that we've done this.

No, I know.

No, that was always my big thing was I never was sure what guys intentions were.

Tack is always trying to talk to me and write me and hit me up for various Conan memorabilia.

Sometimes he makes me put a Conan mask on, Oh my god, I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

I asked Eliza to wear one, Couldn't you cut that out?

See, when I took this job, my wife left me.

Eliza put on that Conan mask. No, no, listen, no, we won't mention me at all. I mean, I'm in the photo.

It has to be clever.

How about X-ray Vision? It's like a real superpower.

She's got one.

My real life superpower.

My favorite real life superpower is I can fly at the speed of light, and if I circle the earth backwards, I can go make it go back in time.

I always heal and have adamantium bones. Yeah, yeah.

And I can fly at the speed of light, that's a funny one. Giant adamantium spikes come out of my knuckles. I am wolverine.

Just say nothing.

I think it's adamantium.

What's Adamantium? Just say no powers, no superpowers.

Okay, we're being told by Joe to knock it out, take it out, take it out. Wait. The goal here is celibacy forever, isn't it?

The only hits you're going to get are Me, Conan and Sona.

That's what you want to say.

No.

That's what I have on mine.

Yeah, but Joe, come on.

I'm serious.

How's it working for you?

It literally worked. I have a boyfriend.

Oh my god, you didn't tell me you had a boyfriend. Everyone's supposed to report this shit to me.

Oh what, you're in a bathtub, in an empty bathtub, and it's just the description says, Don't hate me if I, and your answer is just don't.

Can I see?

I don't think that's going to work for me.

Yes.

But notice how all the photos are in the bathroom.

When you said a room, you meant the bathroom.

But, Joe, you have a very specific thing going on and I'm worried that it's not Sam's thing.

Oh my god.

Yeah, that's true.

I'm not as cool as Joe.

Well, no, you're cool in a different way, you're just cool in a different way.

Oh my god.

These look like American apparel ads.

Yeah, they really do.

A lot of people are like, why are these in the bathroom? And then you got to be like, Yeah, then you can talk about it.

Because I live in a bathroom, want to date me?

Did you ever mention that if you kill someone in the tub, the cleanup is very easy? All right, let's just move on. Okay, Sam, you got to help us out here. What are you seeing here? What makes me feel grounded?

Yoga I'm a yoga teacher, that's cool, I like that.

But are you cool attracting yoga dudes? Is that a breed?

I would like to go to yoga with my partner. Yeah, I'll take anything, okay.

I'm a real nerd about yoga. Oh, this is good yoga, you know what?

I don't like the exclamation point, I know.

I know Blai, I know that you love exclamation points.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Why do you always put exclamation points? Every text from Blai is like, Sorry, your dad died, exclamation point.

I will say, I emailed you about something and there was an exclamation point. You said, Hey, I'm allowing this exclamation point because it's your birthday. And then you sent me a follow-up email, like two hours later.

Here's your birthday present.

It was just a bunch of exclamation points.

I put a lot of thought into my put-downs. Okay, I like that, I'm a real nerd about yoga. Yes, this is good.

I'm just a real nerd about yoga, period, you tell me this is your dating profile.

I like the teacher part. Okay, thank you.

I like the teacher part. Yes, that's cool.

Yoga I'm a yoga teacher.

Joe, what do you got? You can put an emoji instead of a period.

Oh, no.

That's not Sam style.

Yeah, okay.

We gotta keep it, Sam.

Okay, here we go.

Okay, so now the next section is my opening move. start your chats with an opening move. Okay, so I don't know. This says you're in control.

Is that what you want? Oh, no, so this is like an auto-reply.

Yeah.

That's crazy.

I think this is a nightmare. I think you people live in a hellscape. It's really hard out here.

Let's get to the meat of this, which is your bio. Oh, here we go. We want to write a fun and punchy bio. This is what people are going to see, they're going to see your photo and they're going to see your bio, so this is important.

Okay, well, it's cool, you work at a very cool place, it's okay to mention that.

All right, start with that. All right. I work at a really cool place, yeah.

No, I don't. I think that's fine. Joe. I shouldn't mention, we shouldn't mention anything about her working with the ...

I wouldn't put stuff about work, yeah.

Okay.

So it's safe to say there's nothing about Conan in your bio.

Yeah.

Okay.

You don't have your job on your profile.

I have my job, yeah.

Okay, but not in my bio.

Do you at all feel like you need to disclose that you work here? yeah.

Sort of like, you knew I was working, you knew well. the next thing is, you knew I had been in prison. Oh, the next thing is work, so you're okay.

God, I don't know. I feel like I'm a very chill and ...

You are the chillest person I've ever met, really, yeah.

I feel like that's important because I can't have someone with really intense energy.

Why are you working with me then?

It's hard.

I mean, I come into a room and there's heat coming off of me and I'm babbling like a chimp on crack. And I always see you in the corner and you're always shaking your head slowly, like, No grasshopper. No, yeah, so that's good. You should say that she's ...

You could be like, don't be like Conan.

Just yeah.

Oh, don't mention.

Yeah.

That's great.

Also, Yeah, but I work for Conan, I'm looking for someone who's not like Conan, yeah.

That's great, okay, we can do that.

Yeah.

And I'm looking for someone who's not like Conan, then how about parentheses? Keep in mind, Conan is very kind, generous and sensitive. Oh God, yes, but his energy sometimes is a little tightly coiled. I think you gotta put something in there so people don't think I'm a monster.

You're a very kind person, yeah.

He's very kind and generous.

And then can you put in brackets? He made me write that.

Yes, thank you.

That's what I was looking for. That's not something a normal person says, so it's important for people to know you did this.

Conan made me write that last part. Yeah, say that Conan made me write that last part. He's crazy. please help me.

I never wanted to do this.

I'm in a relationship.

It's write w-r-i-t-e.

What'd you say to me?

Oh, that's embarrassing, Clay. Oh, Clay, sorry.

Oh, Clay.

Conan made me write that last part. I just think it's good if it just keeps going with Conan just making you do this.

He's here with me now. Yeah, call the police.

He's here with me now, he may come on our first date.

On our first date.

Oh, wow.

A lot of pressure.

On our first date.

Just wrote, Come in our first date gross. This is a nightmare.

Joe, what happened?

This is a nightmare profile.

That's good. Did you say I'm DTF?

No, I said, if he does, he's DTF.

Okay for me.

Like, in my stead.

Okay, okay.

Okay, how's this? how's this?

Uh-huh.

Your bio? I'm very chill. I work for Conan and I'm looking for someone who's not like Conan. Parentheses He's a very kind and generous person. Unparentheses, Arrow pointing to that.

Okay, good.

I think there needs to be a little bit more. Conan.

Okay, work see above.

Here we go, yeah.

When we say just Conan, do you think people will know that's you?

Oh, like, she works for Conan Gray, I don't think so that would be great.

That would be pretty cool.

Okay, oh yeah, that would be cool.

He's really cool.

This is looking for a relationship something casual, don't know yet marriage or skip.

Who puts down marriage?

I'll put marriage.

Oh, Joe, what's that?

I'm serious.

Are you ready to get married?

Yeah.

Are you serious?

I'm 31.

What's your height?

Five feet.

Five feet, I like it.

Just five, perfect.

All right, do you want to answer the rest of these questions?

Yeah, do it.

All right, do you work out?

Yeah.

Well, I have to. Yoga instructor, Yeah, she is active, she's a yoga instructor.

Zodiac Sign Do you think this is important?

Oh, yeah, yeah, you got to do it big time. Yeah, I'm a pisces.

I was going to guess pisces.

Oh, okay, are you? yeah.

You seem like a pisces.

Thank you, that's a compliment. Yeah, I have an undergraduate, yeah.

All right, that's good.

Good, do you drink? rarely? okay, boo.

Do you smoke?

Is that a cigarette?

I know, yeah.

Cannabis is its own cannabis.

Oh okay, oh okay, so no.

How do you use cannabis?

Yes.

Well, frequently.

Frequently feels dramatic. They don't have, like, a yes.

Oh my god.

Ideal plans for children.

Yeah, what do you want? you want kids?

Yeah.

That's nice.

You'd be a great mom. We don't need to say this.

I mean, this is our first date convo.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I don't know, Joe, I mean, what about this? did you get into this with people?

Yeah, I think it's better to just say that, especially if you don't want kids.

Oh, I do.

Yeah, it's good if people find you don't want to be telling someone three years in that you never want children if they really want kids, right?

That's right, yeah, it's got to come up.

Okay, all right, so I think we're done, I think we got it here. Should we recap?

There I am, serving you, your.

Oh no, it's cut off, it's cut off. Oh no, I got to reset it.

That's perfect, though, because they got to know, wait, they can see it behind, they got to know that it's there.

Yeah.

Oh, that's true. Yeah, they could, right, they could see....

I love it.

And then, yeah, and then let's see, oh, and then just for work, it says see above.

Oh my god, I work for a fraction of a man.

I'm very chill. I work for Conan and I'm looking for someone who's not like Conan. He's a very kind and generous person. Conan maybe write that part. He's here with me now.

Okay.

And then your basics five feet active, you're a Pisces undergraduate degree, drink rarely, smoke, never, you're a woman, you're socially, you didn't....

What about cannabis? Oh yeah, it's socially cannabis.

And then you want marriage. And here's some other great photos. I'm a real nerd about yoga, I'm a yoga teacher.

Oh, and then it's right before your yoga, and it's here in front of yoga Buddha.

Yeah.

That's great, all right, there we go.

Maybe what we can do is if you have any hits, we can do a second follow-up for this, you know?

Mm-hmm.

I will say, I think it's good that it cuts your face off because it makes you want to tap into it. Like, I just did, Yeah, you know, you're like, Ooh, who is that? that looks like? Conan? yeah.

It doesn't look enough like me.

There it is.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Well, you cut out, Sam, so that's Conan's in the picture.

And then suddenly, I'm filling out the questions.

Mm-hmm.

Six, four?

Mm-hmm.

200 pounds.

Yeah, we'll see.

I will say, seriously, and I'm going to say it again, Sam's wonderful, thank you and you have a very cool aura.

Oh, thank you.

As do you, Jo, by the way, I have to say, though, and Sona, we have, won't you say? The women that work here are very cool.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I think, I mean, just go through the whole bunch, you know, Tanisha and E..B and Ruth. We've got a squad here that is very impressive.

A lot of very strong, very, you know, opinionated women.

And everyone quite happy to give me shit. Yes, all the time.

Yes, which makes me happy.

I think you do it on purpose.

I think you are drawn to women who because I think-.

Who loathe me? who loathe you? Yeah, well, I think we're going to get some and then you should come back and we'll, you know, we'll see what happens. Okay, we'll see what happens.

Thank you.

Because I know nothing about dating apps, and I think this was the worst thing you could possibly do. So I'm curious to see what happens. What do you mean?

Good luck to you. Dating app is the OH, coming here for advice?

Meaning coming to, Yeah, coming here for advice.

This is terrible, this is a terrible idea.

You should have gone right to Jo, I know I know because, and so you should probably talk privately to Jo. Yeah, I will.

I look forward to meeting your future partner.

I know my husband.

Or wife?

Or wife?

It doesn't matter, man, it's all good.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien. Sonam Ovsessian and Matt Gorley Produced by Me, Matt Gorley executive produced by Adam Sachs. Joanna Solotarov and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.