Three Days From Retirement
2023-11-02 00:19:20
After 25 years at the Late Night desk, Conan realized that the only people at his holiday party are the men and women who work for him. Over the years and despite thousands of interviews, Conan has never made a real and lasting friendship with any of his celebrity guests. So, he started a podcast to do just that. Deeper, unboundedly playful, and free from FCC regulations, Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend is a weekly opportunity for Conan to hang out with the people he enjoys most and perhaps find some real friendship along the way.
Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcocoa.com slash callconan. Okay, let's get started.
Hey.
Hey Bill, hey knock it off, hey dammit.
Meet Conan and Sona.
She hit me just before you came up.
It's not fair.
I saw it.
Well.
I saw it.
Hello there, Bill.
How are you?
I'm great Bill, I'm Conan, this is Sona, that's, uh, it's David, right?
David Yeah.
David's also I think you're coming from Illinois, aren't you? I am, Yeah, okay, which part of Illinois are you from?
Uh, Winthrop Harbor, which is the northeast corner of the state we border Wisconsin and Lake Michigan.
Okay, because David, I think you're from the very, very farthest part, south.
I'm from Carlinville, closer to Springfield.
Yeah.
Oh, I know where that's at.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no one really goes there.
Oh, come on.
Well, no, they really. It's fair, that's true, right? I wasn't putting you down.
No, you weren't.
Yeah, it's the only Dairy Queen franchise that's failed in the United States. No, it's still open, it's still going, but no one goes.
Every now and then, an ear of corn rolls in. Yeah, like, it's a customer. Oh, come on anyway, Bill, back to you. You're the focus here, not my assistant, who comes from a cornfield.
Um, Bill, tell us a little bit about yourself. What do you do for a living?
Uh, I'm a police officer. Oh wow, I've been doing this for 20 years.
You're a police officer, very, very good, and, uh, what unit are you in? Tell us a little bit about your job as a police officer?
Well, the town that I live in is the town that I work for. It's a small town, It's like four square miles, We've got about 6,000 people, so small town.
I grew up here, so um, I, uh, I've been. I was assigned as a K-9 officer for a number of years. Oh, a K-9 just retired.
A K-9 officer Yeah, wow, yeah, I, I, whenever. I always love seeing, uh, a working dog, and I love seeing, uh, you know, police dogs.
I just love the idea that because I think, correct me if I'm wrong. But I think dogs know when they're working, they know that they have a job to do.
Matter of fact, I was just talking to one of the other guys about it. I had to stop wearing my uniform home because he would see me leaving in my uniform and just try to bust out the door with me. I'm like, you know, so I, I just decided to start changing at work.
It took a little less so your dog retired.
He is retired.
Uh, what's he doing now? is he like building model ships? Has he tried golf?
He's, he's, uh, he's watching a lot of the History Channel, I believe. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, hey, just do me a favor. Check the liquor when you come home, because it's when they, it's when they start day drinking that you got to worry. Um, well, what kind of dog, uh, is your dog that just retired?
What's his name and what kind of dog is he?
His name is Hondo, he's a purebred German shepherd.
Oh cool, they're supposed to be very smart dogs.
He's, he's pretty smart.
No, I said very smart, and you said pretty smart.
He's pretty smart.
Okay, yeah, he's, he's here, he's hearing all this right now and getting depressed, yeah.
Can we see him? Can he? Can he come up? And I want to see his face. I love to see it, I love dogs.
Don't you want to see this guy? yeah?
Hondo, hondo, he can't hear us.
Uh, Hondo, help, help, I'm being robbed, Hondo.
Oh, there he is.
Hondo.
Oh, what a gorgeous guy. Hi Hondo. Yeah, you've earned your retirement.
He did, he has earned it, definitely.
Um, that's so funny. I wonder if Hondo went through some of the same tropes that people go through in movies, like, Well, I'm three days from retirement. Oh, no, that squirrel has a gun blam.
Blam. I'm glad he's okay, I'm glad he. Most in movies, whenever a policeman says, Well, three days from retirement, you know, that's when the shit hits the fan, that's success.
Yeah, that was in the was that Robert Duvall movie. Yeah, it's in every movie, it's in every movie ever made.
So, uh, let me ask you a question, if I can bill, how do you? Do you get to pick any dog? Or they try to pair you with the right dog?
I'm curious how it works here. Yeah, so your first day of class, they've already got the dog set, and there's usually four or five officers in the class, right? They've the kennel. The people that only kind of have already done all the research on you, they've done your background.
They talk to your police chief, your friends, your neighbors, your family, all without your knowledge. Oh, and they find out what kind of person you are, and that's how they pair up the dogs with you. Oh, that's then sometimes, sometimes they'll even change, you know, midday or the mid the first week. They might see something that all this dogs not working with Bill, so we'll put them with Conan and Conan's dogs in the gold, you know, Sona?
This makes me I'm very curious about this. So how does? How did they match Hondo with you? what qualities did they see in you that they saw in Hondo? Well, fortunately, this is my third dog.
So, and I got him later in my career, so I was at this point on a nice even keel. And and I had matured and and so I got. I got the mature dog, I got the dog that was strong but confident and calm. Yes, oh, I see.
So that earlier in your career, you might have had a dog? That was maybe a little bit more of a hot shot, a hothead. I did, I had, I had the top gun dog.
Yeah, he was, he was crazy. I love him. Yeah, I think if I was a canine officer.
They'd pair me with a dog with very low testosterone, uh-huh, and and it was prone to depression. I would be the first.
Very depressed chihuahua, isn't it? Isn't that what Irish setters are? Yeah, I.
Think that's very cool. So Hondo now is probably struggling a little bit with being retired, he is.
Like I said, the first I, this happened on Memorial Day this year and then, so the first couple weeks was pretty tough. I was wearing my uniform home and, you know, in the morning I change. And and I'd go out to work. And he would just try to bust out the door here with me and I'd be like, No. I only got to stay in the house and I stopped wearing my uniform home. And that helped out tremendously. Because he knew when, when it was time to go to work, because I threw my uniform on. Hey, why did Hondo have to retire, I mean?
What? What are the signs that it's time for your dog to retire so early on in his career?
He got hit by a car we had and he broke his hip and he recovered fully from it, but the arthritis is starting to kick in. I see he's getting a little, yeah, doesn't like to put us, you know, get up on stuff as much as he used to. I get it.
I get it, my dad is 94 and I hit him with a car about a week ago. Oh, first time I missed him, but then I swung around and I got him.
Throw it in reverse. Yeah, I got him anyway. They say he's gonna end up real good.
You're saying, that's the same thing? Kind of okay, I think, so, yeah.
So, uh, well, that's sounds like you got your hands full with that. That's. Your full-time job is being a police officer in the canine unit. well, no more the canine unit now.
I'm just, Uh, I. I run the training division and scheduling, and I still go on patrol and answer calls every, every now and then.
Mm-hmm. Do you ever see dogs that are just hanging out and they look like they're up to no good? And you go over and talk to them and say, you know, you could make something of your life. Is that something that would work where you could? Dogs like smoking weed, Yeah, the dog is this dog is smoking weed.
Oddly enough, I don't know why Dispatch doesn't, but every time we have a dog calling a loose dog or dog that just bit somebody, they send me.
I had a dog that was trained to do, you know, ungodly things, and I don't deal with dogs that don't listen. So, yeah, but I mean, the thing is, you can't give up on.
A dog, any dog can become a police dog. Don't you believe that I?
Do believe that? I mean, I've seen everything from chihuahuas, pitbulls, rottweilers, German shepherds, everything, even a poodle. Oh, you know, to do some sort of police work, yeah, you know. Whether it be finding drugs or finding electronics, I think pools mostly work in the lab.
They're like, Yeah, they're looking at a microscope. Yeah, I have a poodle, I think she'd be a good police. No, your dog was not you. Her dog wears a slash hat, the same hat that Slash wears.
She thinks that's funny, it's no, no. Scared of flies, but I think she could really do something, oh sure, yeah, scared of a fly and then tackle a robber. I don't.
You have another job, do you not, Sir? I do, I do.
It is not a late-night talk show host. I do work for a funeral home.
Oh well, there's probably some similarities because, trust me, both involve trying to work with stiffs.
You try talking to some of these kids that had a show on the WB. It doesn't go anywhere.
Sorry, that's a little. I have a little post-traumatic stress syndrome from the mid 90s. Um, yeah, you know, hey, so tell me about Dawson's Creek?
It's not easy sledding. I'm not mentioning specific names, but anyway.
So you do body retrieval, yeah.
Removal. So, you know, when somebody dies in the hospital or dies at home, it's not always that, you know, lunchtime, sometimes it's midnight, two o'clock that morning, three o'clock in the morning. And I'm one of the people that they call to facilitate that, that.
Wow, now I imagine if it's at the hospital, it's a lot easier because you can just wheel them out, right?
Yeah, I mean, the beds move up and down.
Unless they died in, like, the hospital cafeteria, but that would be really rare, I would think that would be. That would be a rare one. Yeah, unless the food in the cafeteria is really that bad. Listen, I should just let this whole line of questioning go.
What I want to know is you must see some pretty crazy things like, you know, someone died and they were on one of those mechanical bucking broncos or something. You have to try and figure out a way to get them off. Do you ever see something like that?
Yeah, it's still going, but it's going very slowly.
Yeah, okay, I think I would at that point just let him go until the rides over.
All right, that's a you know what? That's a humane way to look at it. Any strange situations? Have you learned anything? What's the etiquette of retrieving a body?
Etiquette is, etiquette is delicate. I'm like, I said this, I work in in the same area that I'm a police officer and so and grew up. Everybody, not everybody, but a lot of people know me. And so I mean, I walk into somebody's house at midnight and their grandma passed and they say, Oh, hey, it's Bill. So everything's usually quiet and very calming. Hugs, and you know, that's nice.
Stuff like that, that's nice, that they know you, that's nice, that and that, and also you seem like a sensitive person. You're not gonna go in there and go, you know, man? They let themselves go.
You know what I mean?
I'm shocked that sweater didn't kill her, years ago, she wore that, you know, that kind of thing.
It seems like there would be a lot of opportunity for some of that to have jokes. But yeah, you just kind of, you know, tilt your hat down, go in there and just be peaceful.
That's very nice of you, Bill, better you than I, because I think I'd probably end up saying stuff, you know?
Oh yeah.
Well, you know, I think I'm a sensitive person, but occasionally it would slip out. Man, you know, be nice. There are times when this guy dieted before he, you know what I mean?
You would have to drink wine before you pick up everybody, cuz you're the nicest person after you have wine.
Sweet, I come in all sloshed.
What a wonderful oh, they look so peaceful. Listen, it's a very serious thing that you do. I mean, I'm thinking about you right now, Bill, because I'm talking to you. That's one of the reasons I'm thinking about you, but second, I'm thinking about you because I'm thinking about your service.
You've worked all these years helping your community, as in this canine unit. And then you're doing this job that probably not a lot of people want to do, and you're doing it with a lot of respect. I my hats off to you. Well, thank you sir. I appreciate that. well, thank you for calling me, sir, the first person to do that in a while. Oh, I don't get a lot.
I don't get a lot of respect around here. Bill, no idea why.
No, he should. Yeah, hey, is it too late?
I have a golden retriever named Loki and he's six years old and I think he's a deep, I think, I think he's a DD. He's pretty crazy. Mm-hmm and I mean.
He's insane.
He howls like a coyote, for no reason, like, I'll just come in in the morning, he goes.
And he's, he has 80d, follows me all over the house, he's constantly getting into trouble. Is there any chance that he could become a police dog at six?
You know, I don't know if he could become a police dog, but he could become a well-trained dog. And six is not a problem. So really, lately.
You think you could make a real dog out of Loki? No.
I've met Loki, Loki, I don't, I think something's on trainable, something's off with Loki, and we've tried.
He's very smart, but he just doesn't. Yeah, I don't know. He's. Um, I think if you took an MRI of his head, there'd be, you know, two walnuts in there, some chewing gum and a butterfly floating around. Yeah, I think he's.
It's got a screw loose, he's nuts.
No, no dog is beyond repair. Now. They can all, they can all get some help and but the thing is, it's got to be consistent. I mean, you can't like, I'll see. Civilians take their dogs to the kennel where we trained at, and they think everything's great. They get their dog for a two-week puppy class, they come home and they don't.
They don't train your dog at all, and then the dog falls off.
Yeah, that's the problem is. We got some Loki, some training early on. I do think Loki has issues like real brain. I think he's crazy. Oh no, I mean real, but I love him. But but he's quite an unusual dog, very strange. But yeah, I don't think there's a lot of consistency. You know, we say things like, no, no, you have to sit while we're eating dinner, but then sometimes we sit him up at the table with us.
And we let him carve the turkey. it's just a mess, and I think so he doesn't understand, you know, and then we get mad the next time we come in and he's carving a turkey. Yeah, yeah, you know, yeah, you're reinforcing that behavior that's on you.
Yeah, that's probably on me. Yeah, well, exercise and training. Is that for me or for the dog?
Bill, I very much would love for you to turn my dog into a police dog at six. A six-year-old insane golden retriever with Add. It's probably not gonna happen, but I still think there's time for him. I'd love to see him become a police dog. I really would. Because do they get paid? they don't get paid.
Okay, oh, they get their food. Okay, well, that's something I was gonna try and skim some of his salary.
Loki I would love to embezzle from my dog, such a funny crime if my dog is a police dog. And I was in, he got a paycheck and I embezzled from it. Yeah, I would. People would hate me. Yeah, the lowest of the low.
Well, and then he goes to buy a house and then he doesn't have any money and he's like.
The judge is like, I can't understand you. case dismissed, and I'm like, Yeah, judge, I don't know what his problem is. Well, back to my seven homes.
Using him, I am using him well, Bill, you seem like a very cool guy and I do, I all. Joking aside, your community is lucky to have you. You're, you're, you're doing, you're doing good work, and you seem like a really nice person.
And I know if I was in trouble, I wouldn't you feel good if you were in some bad situation. And then Bill showed up at your door, yeah, and he had, you know, Honda with him. I just feel like, Oh, this is.
Gonna be okay if you die and you need your body to be removed. Yes, yeah, I would want Bill to do that.
Yeah, yeah, you know, I'm gonna have Bill take care of you when your time come.
Oh, okay, you too, and I hope it's embarrassing when you die, like, I hope you're on the toilet.
Hey, what if I'm on the toilet in a Halloween costume? and and and Bill, it's not Halloween. Would you spread the word or would you keep it under your hat?
I have the utmost respect for you, Conan. I would, I would take it to my great good.
Okay, because when my time comes, you're gonna, they're gonna, Sona's gonna be in charge, she's gonna send for you. Yeah, and I'm gonna be on the toilet wearing a very strange costume, uh-huh. And you're gonna have to take care of it, and I don't want it getting out, okay.
You got it, okay? Well, I'm gonna tell you, I was gonna say, we're gonna spread the word.
It's not gonna be one costume, it's gonna be like, I'm part ghostbuster but also part werewolf. But it's not Halloween, but it's not Halloween. Okay, yeah, it's like late February. Hey Bill, it was very cool talking to you, very cool talking to you.
Yeah, be safe, take care, and and take good care of Hondo I.
Will all right bye Hondo say bye buddy? He's just laying there, staring at us.
That's, that's the appropriate response. Hondo Hondo just retired from the force. He's like, I don't need this shit right now.
All right, take care Bill, bye-bye, see you guys.
Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien. Sonim of Sessian and Matt Gourley Produced by Me Matt Gourley executive produced by Adam Sachs. Nick Liao and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.
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