#602 - BERT KREISCHER + WHITNEY CUMMINGS + JIM NORTON

You can go to Ryanjebelt.

Com. He's the house artist, he draws every episode, he sells prints, he sells posters.

And Tony is on tour right now, so go to tonyhinchcliffe.

Com for everything, Golden Pony, and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you. Live from the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get Up For Tony.

Dee Madness couldn't be with us tonight. I don't know where he is, he's probably at Vulcan. We may have forgotten to tell him that we were switching over a lot of fun stuff planned.

Shout out to Dee Betty Vodka, of course, again, the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose Gel Blaster and the Austin Security Guard Service. Screwball, peanut butter whiskey. And before we start tonight's episode, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors of this episode available for you here right now.

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You guys can do better than that. Are you guys ready to start the first ever kill Tony at the mothership? This is an epic moment. Normally we have one or two guests.

This week, to get things started, we figured we'd blow it the fuck up, ladies and gentlemen. Three guests, three of the best in the world, from New York all the way to Los Angeles, make some noise for Jim Norton, Whitney Cummings and Burt Kreischer.

Yes, Jim Norton, one of the best in the world, the great Whitney Cummings and the motherfucking machine Burt Kreischer.

Yep.

Whitney Cummings, Burt Kreischer, They've all been on this show before. This is very exciting. Burt Kreischer's special Razzle Dazzle comes out tonight at midnight on Netflix. Everybody.

And the Machine comes out Memorial Day and The Roast of Burt Kreischer comes out on April 1st on OnlyFans and a lot of fun stuff happening OnlyFans TV.

OnlyFanS TV Thank you Whitney, because when you say OnlyFans, it sounds like you're joking. They just laugh. They thought you were kidding.

No, no, it's real. That's my career at this point. You say it and people just laugh, yeah.

Okay, OnlyFans TV If you have OnlyFans and you don't want to jerk off, watch The Roast on April 1st. Yeah, don't stop coming.

By the way, I jerk off on OnlyFans, not only I missaid that fuck, I would jerk off on OnlyFans.

It's real. Let's put a price point on this. Do you guys want to do a jerk off auction right now? Oh, the gay cowboy from Dallas has got everybody beat.

Oh shit, I bought the playgirl of Brad Pitt when he was naked just to see his cock. Back in the day. What did it look like? It's solid.

We are going to have so much fun tonight. You guys have all done this show before. I'm excited to announce that we've done this show for almost 10 years straight. We have indeed, on this evening, set an all-time record for signups. Over 189 people are in this bucket.

We're going to have a lot of fun. Oh, fuck you guys.

Abortions are half fun. The front half is pretty fun, I hear. the second half is a bummer, yeah.

Are these mics not on? What the? That was a funny, fucking joke. Yeah, they are a little bit low, you know, it's just such an awkward ride home.

What are you talking about? You pay for an Uber. They made me take the train.

Again, you know?

How does someone become an abortion doctor? Is there really someone in med school thinking, Well, I want to work with kids, but...?

There we go, we've got to loosen them up a little bit. Jesus Yeah, they're tight in here. They're the only doctors, though that, I don't worry, are pedophiles because they want to kill the baby, not fuck it. Let's go Texas.

Let's fucking go.

We are doing a special abortion taping of Kill Tony next week. It's called Kill Babies, and people have 60 seconds to vacuum a baby out of their pussy. You should do a kill Tony right outside an abortion clinic and go, if you name it Tony, I'll pay for it.

You guys know how the show works. If I pull one of these names out of the bucket, that means they get 60 seconds. Hey, I don't want Covid uninterrupted. Oh shit.

Yeah, that's dirty.

60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. It's just loud and it cuts them off. And then I interview them afterwards and we find out more about them. And they get talked to by our esteemed panel. And we're going to have a lot of fun.

You guys ready to start tonight's show?

Well, even though we have 189 people that have signed up for the opportunity. We also have a few regulars on the show, so let's get it started with one of our favorite regulars from the history of the show. This guy became part of the squad about two years ago, went from living in his van to living his fucking dreams. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise, sing it if you know the words.

This is Hans Kim.

What the fuck is up comedy mothership?

Hell yeah.

I think one of the most racist things to ever happen is the Chinese expulsion Act. Do you know what's worse to an Asian than getting expelled?

Nothing.

Could have at least called it the Chinese B-plus Act.

How dare you use the language of schools against us? School is like our NFL.

That's like calling the Fugitive Slave act the offsides on the defense five-yard penalty act.

I have a Rolex. I love my Rolex because I'm fabulously wealthy.

I'm thinking of having kids just to stunt on people.

I love having a Rolex because I can look at it and be like, Oh, looks like it's time to pull out my iPhone. Because I have no idea how to read this thing. Thank you.

I read a history book this week, I love it. What is the Chinese Expulsion Act exactly? Can you explain it to these people? The Chinese Expulsion Act is what happens when Asians act up.

Is that really what it is? Well, apparently, we built the railroads and they were like, Okay, what are you going to do now? Okay, fuck off, they were kind of done with us.

I thought you were very funny and I've made it my life's dream to fight racism.

Jim, how do you do that exactly? I just don't want to get canceled. people would think I'm a good guy. I do want to get canceled. Get me the fuck out of Hollywood.

You're a very good writer, very funny. Thank you Jim. You're welcome. I appreciate that you love hating racism.

I also agree with you.

Now, Hans, you talked about the Chinese a little bit, and you are Korean. Wait, you're not even Chinese. No, no, no, no.

Can you please make a call and fix that?

I got a Korean, he said. he was Chinese, and they called me racist.

You're not even Chinese, I mean, I knew that.

Are you really Korean? I'm South Korean? Yeah, I'm talking Korean. all right. yeah, yeah, yeah, Korean Korean, Korean Korean, all right.

There's no difference between North Korean and South Korean, it's just politics, you're Korean.

I heard Korean on Facebook is fucking confusing as shit. Is this true? Is Korean on Facebook? Yeah, trying to tag yourself in a photo, you're like, Is that me?

No, that's not me.

Is that my mom?

Shit, I'm in all these pictures, fucking Mardi Gras, baby, you know? At one point in my life, I would have enjoyed that joke.

Of course, what do you think he's wearing a Halloween mask or something right now?

Actually, I'm American.

I am American.

Oh, I love the guy in the cowboy hat.

Hans How did it feel up here? A whole different venue? Did you notice anything different? Did you notice a change in the room at all? I noticed that I'm closer to the audience.

I feel it's more intimate, I feel like we could really connect.

And I felt like this is a wonderful club and I can't wait to just be here and not get extra kicked out, extra kicked out. Can I say something really quick? Yeah, of course.

Can Women talk in Texas?

Depends on what you say, we might edit it out later.

But yeah, you can talk now, sure doesn't mean it's going to be in the show. I have a voice made for podcasting. Men love it, no, but I'm half from Texas.

My mom's from a place called Sherman, Texas. Anybody is anyone from Texas that lives here from here anymore? Austin, it's Austin.

None of these people are from here, so something I feel like we all came out. We're so excited to be at this club because this is just the fucking best thing ever and I feel like we're so excited and pushing.

And you just fucking kicked it, and one of the things that made me laugh the most, you just went. I have a Rolex.

And you just let a setup be a punchline. That was fucking so korean dude.

The way is no way.

Hans Kim, we love having you start the show. you're a consistent, fucking, real stand-up comedian.

Hans Kim ladies and gentlemen.

And now I repeat, in this back alleyway is 189 human beings waiting to find out if their name is about to get called. You are about to witness the first ever bucket pull in the show's history, the first ever unapproved. To be on this stage comedian could be somebody's first time.

Could be a local legend. Let's find out what happens together. Your first comedian out of the bucket goes by the name of Cole McKinney Cole McKinney.

Cole McKinney That was not him.

COLE McKInney It's going to pop out of that curtain any second. Here he is, Cole McKinney.

Hey, what's up? what's up? Yeah, I just came here. I moved here from a conservative small town, you know, it was conservative because my dad used to mute the family whenever the gay guys from Modern family would come on. And yeah, but just moving here to Austin, the homeless people are kind of already starting to piss me off.

Like, I don't know. There was like a guy standing on the side of the road with a cardboard cutout sign that said it said, Sorry y'all. It said that he was homeless on it. And then I was like, Well, no shit, you know, you never see some guy just standing on the side of the road with a sign that says like, Happy Memorial Day or some shit on it. And that guy definitely doesn't look like Shia LaBeouf after he hasn't seen a movie in two years or whatever.

Yeah, thank you, thank you. yeah, anyway. So there's sorry I was not expecting this. I can't tell, but yeah, I'm all out of shit, man, I'll just let y'all rip.

Absolutely, how long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up since August, August.

Yeah, if you can't tell.

Yeah, I'm so used to hearing 22 years. Oh yeah, no, no, no, since August, No. I was, Oh my god, what the fuck is happening?

Since my cat's birthday.

You know what I like about you, you look like a baby doll from the 20s.

You seemed a little nervous, but you recovered quick. You tripped on the opening joke, which is good, we've all done it, and you recovered. Oh, wait, you don't have Tourette's? I know I don't, I'm just very, very retarded.

Whitney You know, this is still America, right? Like, it's not that different than everywhere else. You're like, Oh, men can talk here in Texas. Cole McKinney, let's talk about it. You started in August in Austin, Texas.

Yeah, okay, are you from here? I'm from a small town in east Texas. Yeah, Mineola.

MINEOLA Okay, all right. Nobody knows what that is and how old are you?

What's up? I didn't hear you. I'm sorry, I should probably stop talking. How old are you?

I'm 19.

19 years old Wow, look at that. Are you going to school or anything?

You in Hogwarts right now, what's happening?

You fly your quidditch stick here tonight to be here. I'm going to acc. If you say it really fast, it doesn't sound like Austin Community College.

You don't look 19.

I don't look 19. No, no, tell that to bartenders, man, yeah.

Yeah, you look like both the pedophile and the victim.

Very rare type of human to be able to look like both, like, do you ever just jerk off like, Yeah, look at that little baby dick.

Shut up, spend a lot of time in the mirror, okay?

Well, tell us what it's like being 19 in Austin, Texas. What do you do for fun? What are you up to? I mostly just do stand up for fun, yeah.

But the clubs that I can get into, you know what else, what else other than stand up, you look like you're into? Like, fucking crypto or fucking Pokemon, I wish.

I wish installing cameras in girls toilets I'm into.

I'm into, I don't know, I just play video games. I work at the H-E-B on Riverside Drive, whoa.

Shout out H-e-b. There must be a lot of homeless people in here tonight, that many applause. What is H-e-b fucking?

What is that H-e-B? It's kind of like it's like your average H-e-B, just with Walmart customers, so it's like, I don't know what the store is.

Oh, it's a grocery store, it's the best grocery store on planet Earth, it really is. It's unbelievable.

And what do you do? what do you do at the grocery store? I worked in the Deli? So yeah, yeah.

I brutalized chickens and shit, what? Yeah, like, I put them on the skewers and put them in the ovens, yeah.

You doing a lot of fucking.

Unfortunately not. I'm pretty new in town, but yeah.

Pretty new in town. Yeah, definitely what you doing after this. What's the Austin Dating App?

Farmer's own name? Oh yeah, I couldn't even tell you, man, I don't get down like that. It's mostly just comedy here.

Yeah, you're very funny when you're not trying to be funny. Yeah, I noticed that, but no, that's the intangible. Is like, Are you funny? Like, I'll say, Theo Vaughn was so fucking. He's very funny now, but like being around him.

When he was started comedy, he was fucking hilarious when he wasn't trying to be funny, and that's the hard thing to get. Yeah, so I was just trying to compliment you. You're very funny when you're not trying to be funny.

Thank you, yeah, you're naturally funny. I do watch a lot of Theo Vaughn, though I'm a massive fan.

Yeah.

Cole McKInney Let me ask you this before we let you out of here, have you? When you say that you haven't been here long, and that's why you haven't been with a girl yet in Austin, were you? Were you sexually satisfied when you were in the small town that you came from?

Um, I mean, Yeah, yeah, I guess I did. I did all right. yeah, when you say you did all right, what exactly do you mean? Um, do you think you've had more sex with more women than me?

Um, I don't know, I don't know. When you say you did all right, were you punishing chickens in a different way? yeah.

There was a lot of roadkill.

Do I have to fuck you so you don't become a school shooter or not? Oh damn, um, yeah, I mean, just say yes, yeah, I don't know what you're stuttering on.

I think it would be phenomenal. I would grab a gun. How funny would you know? I've got some issues, too.

I'm pretty sure Fucking Whitney is how you become a school shooter. You're a....

Cole McKinney Congratulations. You're very, very, very fresh. We knew it's stand-up comedy. Here's a joke book, take a joke book.

Cole McKinney There, he goes all right back to the bucket. We go, you guys having fun out there yet, huh?

All right, kat owenby, kat owenby, k-a-t owenby, I think so.

I do believe that's the name that I'm reading. Handwritings are all different here.

How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show?

Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe coming out of the curtain at any moment will be the Kill Tony debut of Kat Owenby. We have movement and action. It's time to tell me what to do.

I love this fucking band, aren't they great ladies and gentlemen? Kat Owenby everybody?

Hey everybody guys, I'm not big into politics, but I do think that the icing on toaster strudel looks like cum.

Which gave me a pretty good idea. I have two roommates, so I made three toaster strudels and two of them I put regular icing on one of them.

I did not put regular icing on. I walked into my living room and I was like, Hey, who wants a toaster strudel? And they're high as shit, so they both grab one and they're chowing down, right? And I was like, Oh man, they have no idea I'm eating cum.

Don't have to hide it anymore, you guys, what a relief.

Well, I guess I'll leave you on that. Thank you very much. There you go, a minute from Kat Owenby. Am I saying that correctly?

What was that, Owenby?

Oh, I'm Owen Galvin. They were just yelling Owen outside, and I came over, Oh, wow, you're not even the person I pulled out of the bucket. Sorry, it's a madhouse out there.

That's great. I don't know if any of the producers of the show are paying attention to this, but do a better job. Everybody, all right, here we go. Can I say how funny you are? what?

You made me laugh and you made me hungry.

You have a real look again. I know I said the last guy looked like a pedophile and the victim, but Jesus Christ, what's going on here? He looks like someone a pedophile would pass on. Aw, that hurt my feelings.

He looks like the criminal and the police officer that would arrest him. He looks like he's in whiteface for some reason, like he has makeup on. Never mind, I love it.

I love your mustache, thank you. There's nothing hotter than making out with a guy and just tasting, that's what I always say, too.

Oh, and what do you do for work? I'm an engineer at a semiconductor company, a semiconductor company, the guy that kind of drives the train but doesn't do it all.

Can I tell you what's crazy?

Will you shut up? We thought, I thought they were called Toast them strudels. What, Bert? I think you missed the point of that joke.

I was so distracted through the whole joke I go, have I been saying it wrong? I think you're thinking of Steakums I love, don't get me started on Steakums. I actually, I was like, raised on Steakums.

I was, dude, Yeah, that's the old. I didn't have a dad growing up. Special right there. It's like making your own steak, but in a frying pan.

With sadness, super sad. I didn't have olive oil, so I used tears.

Anyway, let's talk about it. You do that for work. How old are you? 29? Whoa, you're an old looking 29 year old.

Thank you, that's incredible. Hopefully, if I shave the mustache, oh, you're younger looking without the mustache, I think maybe not.

I don't know, okay, okay, I like it, I like your style. What do you do for fun?

I mean, I drink a lot and I do a lot of comedy, but when I'm not doing that, I play a lot of disc. Golf, skateboard, snowboard, not snowboarding. So much. Favorite disc? You throw the wraith?

Oh, Wraith's a great one. What weight like a 171? What is that, forehand or backhand?

Forehand Oh, my dick's getting hard.

No, I don't think so. I play circle C a lot. This place is sick with fucking disc golf courses, pro tours in town. Oh wow.

Sarah Oakham was at the show last night. She's got the fucking sickest. Okay, go ahead.

I'm really into disc golf, that's cool as fuck. Did I ask you how long you've been doing stand up? No, three years.

Three years, all of it here in Austin. No, I'm from Worcester, Massachusetts, that's where I started. I moved here in July. Okay?

All right, what's your favorite thing about Austin, Texas? Probably the food and the weather. I mean, coming from Massachusetts, a winter that's not just 10 feet of snow is pretty fucking sweet. I think somebody just shushed us from the audience.

I think someone's letting out the air in their tire. Why'd you leave Worcester? I came down here for the comedy scene, that's what I moved for. I came here, I didn't work for like, six months.

I just did, like, 15 20 open mics every week. How much time do you think you? What's the longest set you've ever done? 20 minutes, 20 minutes. I would love to have you on the Secret Show.

Boom, you just got booked on a stand up comedy show. There you Go, Owen. Check in with one of the producers so they can get your actual name. Great job because you literally didn't even get pulled out of the bucket.

That guy just got lucky as fuck.

It's like, Jimmy Johnson, I'm going to go up there, I got this. You guys ready for another special treat, huh? Ladies and gentlemen? This is one of those moments the Kill Tony fans absolutely fucking can't get enough of.

One of the strongest regulars ever, one of our greatest joke writers, famous for his unbelievable roasting. Make some noise for the one and only David Lucas, everybody.

I like living in Texas.

Because Texas don't play that bullshit with them pronouns.

And they don't fuck with them. Transformers, you know what I'm saying?

I get it because they're decepticons, you know?

You know, who will never get behind trans people, black people?

Because Black people hate being deceived, you know what I'm saying?

You ever seen how a nigga react to magic?

Like, if I pull a card from behind my back, all the niggas in here run out.

That's why you never see a black magician. We don't like that shit, we're like, that's a goddamn devil man. All right man. Appreciate y'all.

David Motherfucking Lucas doing it again. Absolutely love it spot on, in and out.

Big punchlines, fucking legendary. I love it dude. Thank you bro. Look, I know I've been on the road with you.

You walked up and you fucking owned the room, and you told a great fucking joke, Goddamn it, that's fucking so good, man. Black people do react to magic.

I had my best Black experience with his family. Yeah, y'all gotta go watch that on YouTube, we watched Madea, Madea, Madea.

Madea.

Madea is the thing you got in your toilet.

And it's great, it's so much fun. I mean, you know, if you're white and just watch it, you go, Oh cool, but when you watch it with Black people, they're like, Oh shit, he about to knock her out.

And then the whole thing was so much fucking fun. That was so well done, man. That's incredible. You guys all watched Madea together. I had no idea about this.

How many people were in the room for that? Tony? Go ahead and get it out. Motherfucker. No, I don't even have a joke. I don't even have a joke yet. I'm just asking questions.

It was fun watching the machine talk to the sleep apnea machine for a second.

Tony, you look like a gay missionary nigga. you about to spread the word of dick, Oh my god, oh my God. Why you got that bullshit ass door-to-door insurance salesman.

Tie on nigga.

You guys have any penis insurance? I'm selling it. penis insurance. Is that a thing, nigga, you know?

Shit, I don't.

No, you got insurance on your asshole in case that motherfucker get blown out of proportion. That is true, that is true, and I just bought real estate on your asshole. It's four acres and a fucking ranch and a blue cheese. You son of a bitch.

Coming in playing it safe, wearing a gray hoodie, making fun of me. How dare you? because you got on some stupid shit, nigga, who you think you are? What do you mean?

You look like a substitute teacher when it's cold outside, nigga.

That's some goofy ass shit you got on, motherfucker.

Professor Hitchcliff in This Bitch.

He does, he does smell like air freshener and Bologna, I can tell by Bert's beard, he got a flaccid penis, you know what I'm saying? That motherfucking penis. Look like them balloons in front of the car dealerships they be flapping around.

Nigga Bert.

I'm not going to say anything, but Black people do do magic. They made my wallet disappear.

Oh, fuck, the top of your head look like a goldfish net nigga. that shit thin as a motherfucker. you need to let it go. Boy, you got a reverse mohawk nigga.

None in the middle, all on the sides. You have a body like Patrice and a head like beetlejuice. you look like an albino, earthworm, motherfucker.

You just ugly for no reason. You look like some shit for men and black nigga, you look like you'll be around the coffee machine. You look like Lizzo dressed like Suge Knight for Halloween.

Chaos.

Holy shit, Wow wow wow wow Wow Wow Wow Wow Wow Wow Wow Wow Wow wow wow wow wow, this shit is going down. I won't ever forget this moment.

Very funny man. What else is going on David? Everything else good, yeah, man. Check out my tour dates.

I got Milwaukee Improv coming up, I got Oxnard and some other shit I can't remember. But just go to my website, davidlucascomedy.com to get them tickets. Appreciate y'all.

A star, Ladies and Gentlemen, David, Motherfucking Lucas and like that, back to the bucket, we go to find a new, innocent soul. Wow, wow, wow. Jorani Betancourt.

Jorani Betancourt is next on Kill Tony. We'll see what happens now. Tough act to follow.

Giovanni, Perhaps Giovanni Betancourt?

Giovanni Betancourt, making their way around 189 other people to get here.

Giovanni Betancourt.

There he is, Giovanni. Mother, shit, make some fucking noise, where the fuck you at?

Do you guys like to watch porn?

I can't watch porn unless it has, like, racism or like fucking sexual overtones. My favorite.

Let me tell you what.

Let me see like black bitch gets fucking fucked by fentanyl.

What?

Asian bitch gets slapped on the back by the subway.

Or my favorite Palestinian family gets fucked by the Jews.

Oh, they get a little fucking tight, right?

You ever watch so much porn? you watch your favorite porn star start to age like, now they're playing all the okay, okay, that's too much time, thank you.

There you go, Giovanni Betancourt. Holy shit man, what the fuck.

Giovanni, Grab that microphone. This is the part where you get interviewed and have to stay on stage and talk about what just happened up here. Hey Tony, yeah, is he on what everyone thinks I'm on?

I think so, I think so. Street Adderall, I'm starting to see why you guys are worried, okay?

Yeah, Giovanni, let's talk about it. How long you been doing? Stand up my friend? This is my third year, my friend.

Your third year doing it okay? Have you been on the show before? No.

It's a new minute. Yeah, of course, when you say, when you say, of course, what do you mean? It's not my best shit, guys, how y'all doing?

Don't try to, they don't like you, Giovanni, so let's talk about it. Can we get an example of, like, your best joke that you've come up with in three years? What do you want to talk about?

No, you're not that good. There's no way I'd like to hear your thoughts on slavery, women's rights. These sound like some hot buttons for you, all right?

The hardest part about supporting feminism is knowing you can never date a squirter. It's hard to think we're equal when you're pissing on my face, you know?

GIOVANNI Hold on, hold on. There's something there, there's definitely a seed of something there. We're talking to a real life squirter, like in real fucking time.

Thank you, Wendy.

Keep honing it. Yes, thank you. Just try it, just write it first.

And then think and then say it was a little rough to open with. Like, I mean, it's hard to criticize to have jerked off to three of those films that you don't understand why. You figure we'd all be on board, but you got to warm them up before you hit them with, you know, most stuff.

I appreciate it, Giovanni. That feminist squirter joke is that that's your joke that does the best that you've come up with over the last three years. No, sir, OK, Can you give us one of your best jokes? How many you want to hear is best joke?

I'm pretty sure we've heard your worst joke, so let's let's try a different approach here, let's try something that works. I'm a little fucked up, so you guys got to work with me, right?

Oh, that's what it is.

It's incredible, you're like a real natural talent at this. I'm on your side, brother, I like where you're going, I've been there.

When you get a little in front of yourself.

That's what I need, but honestly, I'm going to fucking work with that. So you ever fucking been dating someone? You guys have a lot of dirty talk, and the hardest part about dirty talking is being real about it.

Like, what's up?

Stay with me, I'm with you, I'm with you. Oh yeah, the hardest part about dirty talk is really being in there. You ever been fucking going through the motions?

You're like.

I love how the roaches know how to find the sink of dirty dishes every time. That doesn't sound like that's pre-written.

Can I interrupt one quick? We're helping comics get better. No, no, no, we're not. that's not a comic, and we're not helping him hold on, Tony.

It would be good if we had a comic that tried and had any fundamental.

Hey, Tony, I need to check a diversity box. Just let me do this. I guess the one piece of advice I do have. If you're going to hold a microphone, you can't have scabs on your knuckles.

What the fuck have you been doing? Is this from just fist fighting homeless people?

I was hit in the back earlier. Whitney Yes, what?

Giovanni, what are you fucked up about? What are you up on right now? Why is your dick showing? Did you just get a hard-on from bombing? You do kind of have an erect penis right now.

That is incredible, I'm back on your team.

Sometimes our dicks will show if you ever see me in an airport, you're looking at my dick. I'm on your team and I know what's going on right now. That's confidence, by the way. If you're bombing, you're like, look at my dick.

It's hard, good for you, fuck them, your dick is hard be you.

Gives a shit.

GIOVANNI Normally, when people do bad on this show, I never ask them again and again to keep trying to do their best joke that they've come up with. But for some reason, my instinct is to do it one more time with you, you guys want to hear one more of Giovanni's best jokes?

I'm going to give you guys a different goes, a fucking different joke. So what do you guys think about inflation?

Fourth time is the charm. I want to hear the rest of this inflation jokes, no interruptions. This is Giovanni's inflation joke.

The world is waiting. Here he is with his fourth at bat of the night three year comedy veteran.

Giovanni Betancourt.

If there is any justice, anything at all about these rising gas prices, it'd probably be the decline in human trafficking.

That was better than everything else.

Because, you know, there was one motherfucker. I was like, I'm not supposed to fucking kidnap this kid today.

Don't you feel like he's making fun of comedians? I think he kind of is.

No shit, that's why I thought that's where we were going. Giovanni, what do you do for a living? I work for a tech company and you won't know, Fuck you Tony, Wait, what?

No, no, no, I won't tell you what job I work for. Dude. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm back on your team, I'm back on your team.

She's implying that you might have a drug and alcohol problem, and that's me. Do you think you have a drug and alcohol problem? Giovanni? Like, nine years ago, what were you doing nine years ago?

What were you doing nine years ago? So, Tony, I was in a DWI. Let me tell you what this is what I want to do here. Okay, keep going.

Keep talking, dude. I got put over. I was trying to help a friend out. I was minding my own fucking business. You guys, can you get your beer out of Jim Norton's face?

He's a fucking legend. Move over, that's true, that's a good point, that is a good point.

That is a great point. I don't mind the beer, just don't put the hard dick in.

Giovanni Betancourt, Congratulations.

Mike stand and you can leave there he goes, Giovanni Betancourt, everybody here you go, Giovanni, there you go.

You guys don't have to hug the people that come up here. That's not part of it, that's not part of it.

All right, what did we do, Giovanni?

Yeah, all right, you guys ready to pull another one of those people out of the bucket?

Holy shit, I've never seen a better comedy veteran, a guy trying his hardest for three years, that is incredible. Aaron McPherson is next on Kill Tony.

Aaron McPherson McPherson.

Trying to over enunciate? How about another hand for the best band in the goddamn land up there?

Aaron McPherson is going to come out right now, there he is, everybody. Oh yeah.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, I got an announcement to make. I've been told throughout the years that I look white or that I act white, so therefore I did some research, it turns out I'm in fact white.

So therefore, I did some research. Two percent like white milk, I'm white as fuck.

I've been learning some new words, the new lexicon, I've been learning some words, I've learned some things like, Hey bub.

And I've learned some other words, like, Hell yeah, brother.

Heard Hey, bub's a term of endearment from one white man to another.

And on some other things, you know, I've started doing some white people things meetings.

School board meetings.

HOA meetings. And I ain't even got no house, man.

I've done some other things too, you know, even the police have caught on to my newfound identity.

Of course, I have to whip my ass for about five minutes to be able to pull out my ID. Like, Sir, they're like, Oh, sorry, we didn't see you there, bub.

Carry on.

Aaron McPherson.

Stand up four years, four years, OK, where at?

Just moved here, but in Kansas, you were in Kansas. What part of Kansas were you in? I was out of Wichita, but I lived in. I lived in a little tiny town in Winfield, Kansas.

Oh, damn, you really are a white black guy? Yeah, a tiny town in Kansas. yeah, wow.

What were you doing for work out there? Just working a Budweiser, delivering beer, delivering beer? What are you doing for work now? Same thing.

Ok.

OK, not the kind of bud that most people that look like you deliver, but.

Got to keep that on the down low, you know, I love it. It was a lot of jokes in a minute, it was great, good writing.

A lot of fucking lines, one theme really funny man, thank you. Did you move to Austin for the stand up comedy scene?

Yes, incredible, amazing. Yeah. And how long ago did you move here?

I moved here in August, August. Beautiful and how old are you? 30?..

30.

Perfect, everything matches up. What do you love about Austin, Texas? I love about Austin.

Just being in the city, it's cool, it's food to eat, other than the same thing, over and over, real Mexican food.

Yep, that's awesome, that's true. Yeah. Food to eat is definitely an important thing in a town.

You move to How? 's the housing market? Great, but there's no food.

Aaron, Are you in a relationship with someone? Yeah, I got a girlfriend. Well, kind of, when you say, well, kind of. It's on the rocks at the moment.

Oh, wait, I want to hear more. Yeah, let's talk about it, tell me more, tell me more.

She lives too far right now, so she's trying to break it off. Is she in the small town in Kansas? No, she used to be, but she's in Arkansas now, so even smaller. Is this a white girl or a black girl? Yeah, it's a white girl.

Oh, shit, is she like, Ah, trouble? I know my mom told me white women were the devil.

Your mom doesn't want you with a white girl. No, well, she's rip, but yeah.

She died when you found her. No man, my brother and sister, they both mixed, so she obviously did something wrong. I don't know, she likes a white man.

She didn't say nothing about them, though. I guess, okay, and this long-distance relationship that you're in, what does she do? what does she do, take care of kids? Oh, she's got kids.

How many kids does she have? She's got three of them, three kids are they? Yours hell? No man.

I got a little one, bro. What do you mean on the rocks? Walk away.

You're funny, you're good-looking, you got a charm, you don't need her. White women are a dime a dozen.

White women are a dime a dozen, he said. Throw a rock, you'll hit one of those. Well, here's the thing.

Never mind.

Oh, if I have three more kids, you'll at least be able to make fun of the kids. Will she let you make fun of the kids in your act? They're not his.

Yeah, they're not mine. Yeah, it's not right to make fun of someone's kids that aren't yours, you need your own children. Here's the deal, man, cut the top off your condom, wear it like a wristband and get someone pregnant tonight.

Let's go. It feels so good when they look and they're peeing on a stick and they go, I'm pregnant and you go, I got you forever. Do you have any special tricks to how you've maintained going childless for 30 years? Do you have a special pull-out method or anything special that you do?

Great question, like my grandpa told me, man, fuck them all, just don't get them pregnant.

That's not exactly the answer I was looking for. That's not the most grandmotherly advice, my grandmother said. Just put it in their ass, Jim.

I was the first thing to try to top that joke. You're so fucking good. Jim Norton flew to Austin, Texas, for this show, by the way. fucking so cool. such an honor.

One of my favorites, I fucking love it, Aaron. Do you have any special skills or talents other than being a very, very likable and well-written stand-up comedian? I want to know more about your hobbies and stuff. When you're not driving the bud truck and slinging jokes or banging thick white women with children.

I'm just assuming she's thick. Take note that I never asked that, but he laughed right after I said it. They don't lose that baby weight. If they're hanging out with Aaron McPherson, you know what I mean, they're sitting around watching Medea.

How do you get those mediums from GAP?

But what else are you into other than stand-up and work? Shit, I just smoke some weed.

What do you like to do after you smoke weed? What's your YouTube algorithm like? right now? My YouTube algorithm just sports. I watch a bunch of the NBA.

I love basketball. Well, we finally found a black thing about you. Congratulations, go Lakers.

Wait, wait, wait. Are your girlfriend's kids white? Of course, man? What the fuck are you doing? I don't know what I'm doing, man.

I got five chicks that you can get pregnant.

Are the kids nice to you? You guys have a good relationship? Yeah, the kids are cool, they're nice to me. Can I ask how old she is?

She's about 28.

How old are the kids? What were you going to say? How old are the kids? I'm like 6 and 7..

I don't like that. No, you shouldn't. you don't like the kids, don't know the answer. Yeah, you don't like them.

Aaron, An incredible performance. You're very funny, man. very, very funny. I'm so excited that people like you have been Aaron. Wait, wait, wait.

Guys, before I let you go, what's the longest set you've ever done? 10 minutes? I'd love to have you open the Secret Show Thursday.

You move to Austin, you do the fucking job. Here's a brand new book. Here's a brand new handmade Kill Tony book by the Great Bones Eye, Real Texas Leather.

And on to the next one, You guys are in for a special treat right now, a true special treat. This guy came on into the Kill Tony universe just a couple months ago and has taken it over by absolute fucking storm. One of the greatest fucking finds we've ever had in the history of pulling names out of this bucket.

Recent Golden Ticket winner, only his fourth or fifth appearance ever in the show's history. Make some noise for the unbelievable stylings of Aaron Belisle. Everybody.

This is the future.

He is the future. I'm warning you, right now, he has cerebral palsy that affects his voice.

He is undefeated so far on this show. He's an absolute fucking firecracker. How about one more time for Aaron Belisle?

So I'm thinking about suing my chiropractor.

I didn't deserve this, I didn't get a free spot, so I fucked his wife.

I used to think nobody wanted to hang out with me because I was disabled, but it turns out it was actually because I was a dick.

That's right, disabled people can be dicks, too.

I only ever break up with women over text. What kind of asshole does that?

Sometimes I would wait outside a handicapped bathroom stall, even if I don't need it.

So while I've been waiting, I shit myself. Now you have to change me.

And this time, please make sure you wipe front to back.

A lady at the movie theater called me retarded for being in her way, so I motorboated her popcorn like the cookie monster.

Aaron Belisle Ladies and gentlemen, another new minute every time.

Unbelievable. This is your guys first time seeing the great Aaron Belisle. What are your thoughts? Hilarious, one of the most unique people I've seen in stand up and the jokes are great.

Your jokes are really funny, so great. I loved it. It's amazing it really is.

Thank you, that was a lot of typing for that payout right there. He was looking for fuck you, but he hit thank by mistake.

Aaron, you did it again. Whitney. what do you think about this? You're fucking brilliant. That was so fun to watch. My brain. I'm so fucking neurotic.

I was like, what if the Wi-Fi goes out? What is the plan?

It's actually Bluetooth. oh, is it Bluetooth?

Also, watching you anticipating the joke, the tension of it was just as fun as the actual joke. That was a fucking blast. Will you marry me?

Oh shit, I don't know. It looks longer than a yes. What if he's just texting someone else?

Yes.

Wow, we know who does all the talking in this relationship. By the way, you found your guy, Whitney.

Do you take this woman to be your wife forever? Do you take my hand in marriage? Oh, maybe give her the other hand. I bet you could do some fucking damage to my pussy with that hook, dude.

Oh yeah.

I would pay to watch that, for sure, I would absolutely love it. Incredible Aaron, If you were going to have sex with Whitney, is there anything special that you would do?

Any special moves or anything like that? I mean, I'd imagine that you really have some real tricks up your sleeve. I'm so insecure. I'd be like, Who are you texting? who is that?

Give me your phone, give it to me.

What would you do to Whitney Cummings? I'm interested to find out. This is a fun game.

Can I ask you a technical question? Have you ever thought about writing your setups? First letting them play and then hitting your punchlines because it did sound like people were stepping on some of your setups?

I can already tell.

By how he reacted that he has thought about this. But the technology isn't quite exactly where it needs to be yet. You see that we're like twin brothers or something like that.

We have a good connection. He's literally my favorite person to interview in the history of the show. Because there's timing and space. He's going to say something right now, it's hard to do. I tried to time it line.

It's a great thing about sucking your dick, it's always hard.

Every single week, this motherfucker absolutely dominates Jim. Is this the craziest shit ever or what? It's so funny, the jokes are great, the timing is perfect.

I would like to hear the answer to that, though I get to talk to Josh Blueballs now.

You don't know who it is. I know that's why I looked at you guys and I was like, this is going to bomb with the audience, but at least I'll make.

It, you dated a girl with cerebral palsy? Ask the mute guy, ask the new guy.

Cerebral palsy You dated a girl with cerebral palsy? Yeah, can you give us a little bit of a background on that? I met her on a plane.

We took xanax, she had a cat, we went partying in Soho and we got fucked up. And on our second date, my buddy was like, Hey man, I think something's wrong with your dick.

So I discovered something crazy this weekend, I looked down and realized that my body is really fucked up.

So how did that go for you? How was Mushrooms with your dog? I started to freak out, so I decided to distract myself by running around the park for two hours shirtless, with a stick in my mouth. Wow.

I feel bad for anybody else on Mushrooms that day in Zilker Park. Did you guys fucking see that?

Did you fucking see the guy with the fucking stick in his mouth?

By the way, the best part of Bert's story is that the girl didn't have cerebral palsy. You just broke her back when you rolled over on her.

No, she did have cerebral palsy. Am I saying it wrong now? Yes, cerebral palsy.

And she was wearing sneakers was the first thing. I was like, Oh, what's up with that? And then she, No, on a Sunday afternoon in a sundress. And then she cut her steak with her right hand and ate with her right hand. And then I was like, And then Patrice, I was when Patrice was alive and Patrice goes, You're such an alcoholic.

And I was like, Yeah, well, it's Soho. There's a lot of Cobblestone streets.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. I swear to God, I swear to God. now, I swear to God. She was a big fan of Guns n roses, so a year later, she sucked my dick and whatever.

She's reaching across her body to get the handle and slash. we're hammered. She walks out and slash, looks at me and goes, Yo, that chick. And I was like, man, I was about to say, Yeah, I didn't notice it. And he goes, She's perfect.

All I could hear was Patrice giggling, going, You're as big of an alcoholic as Slash.

I'm so happy to see you finally learned how to put on a shirt. I've been doing it with a hook hand for years.

Aaron Motherfucker, Bert's taken off his shirt so many times. He has breast cancer.

He's just with one good hand.

This is anything can happen. He's typing legally, ladies and gentlemen, this is the official response by Aaron Belisle.