#604 - RON WHITE

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Yeah.

The great, the powerful, Ron White.

Can we just do that intro one more time?

Ron White.

How fun, how fucking fun.

We're going to have fucking fun tonight. You've done the show multiple times, you know all about it. You're a goddamn hero here, where you have been a guest many times in Austin, Texas, and a few times in Los Angeles. You know how it works?

What's up?

Oh, listen to the murmurs happening in this audience, they know they're seeing something special right now. Hans Kim has a new hot white girlfriend and she has been literally fucking his brains out. And we've had to watch you really hit your fucking limit this week, huh?

You seem preoccupied tonight. Is there any reason for that at all?

Not really, I'm sober, I didn't do cocaine today.

I think I see the problem.

Maybe this is what's happening. We watched you go from barely having money for food to literally. We found out last night you've been doing cocaine on a regular basis. This is what I love about this show is that no one knew Hans two and a half years ago, and here we are two years later. We followed what it's like for somebody to fucking make it, and now we're starting to see your rock and roll downfall. That's the set.

I feel good.

Wow, Asian problems ladies and gentlemen. Oh my goodness, into the side of a. What was it?

Parking garage.

Okay, did you break it?

I damaged it and I sent it in for repairs.

You don't just do that yourself.

I'm more of the laundry type of Asian.

There you go, there you go.

I feel great, I'm gonna try to make you proud next week, Tony.

This is my son.

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Hey, it's Kat Owenby.

Hi, So the other day I noticed I really, really need to lose weight, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I don't have quite a full on fat skirt, just a little tubby tutu. I was like, Oh God, if I don't get rid of this, I'm gonna wind up on the cover of sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition.

Mic down a minute.

No meow yet. I'm cold and I'm nervous. Oh goodness, all right. no meow yet, no meow yet.

That was the longest minute I've ever been through.

I know.

I mean, for both of us, not just you, I know you were, that was a long, goddamn minute. This is so fucking hard, man.

Yeah, it was, I swear to God, I was watching it. It is. Everything was slow motion, absolutely incredible. We have to have a better system than this red band.

There's no way it happened, no way it happened.

It's so interesting to me that you wanna do this. This is like, I always wonder how people start wheelchair basketball or something like that, right? You're in a wheelchair, you're not really built for basketball. You know what I mean? Like, an unfunny person doing comedy is fucking crazy.

Hit hit.

Unbelievable. Okay, Kat Owenby, is this something you really wanna do? I just wanted to get out of the house.

I've been trapped.

Congratulations, you did it.

You can phone it in from here, baby. That was a good premise, though, I mean, the sports illustrated model, that was a good premise. You got some ideas, you know? She's only been on stage for a minute and 20, or what, two minutes?

Yeah.

So what do you fucking want, Tony? God damn, she's a real alley dweller out here.

It is incredible, pretty bad, though. yeah, horrible. So many people have been doing this, so many people prepared for their first or second time, but not you. You just wanted to get out of the house, could have literally have gone anywhere where you don't. Ruin 400 other people's nights. And a part of a show that perhaps millions of people will one day watch.

I think the audience will all chip in, though we will all chip in. We could all get a couple bucks a month.

Pass the fucking around. This is perhaps one of the coolest things that's ever happened in the show's history. Someone has done so bad that we are auctioning off, they're not doing comedy ever again. Welcome to kill Tony ladies and gentlemen. Where dreams literally come to die, this is a hospice center for dreams.

It took me six months to make $1 doing stand-up comedy. And you've got me beat, so.

All right, all right.

Nobody paid me right away and we got the chips coming in.

We got the chips coming in, good, good.

Ladies and gentlemen, Kat Owenby, There she goes, everybody there she goes.

Was it a molar or like a front tooth?

Yeah, it was like a front tooth. Good question, wow.

You know, you can check them just by grabbing them.

And just wiggle them a little bit. It must have been real weak already because I don't want to front. Like. I was so massive that I knocked out our tooth or whatnot, but yeah, I think I had a head stuck. There should be a word for that losing a tooth, sucking a black cock.

Absolutely.

Is that what you do when you pick up a street hooker is, go get a hotel room. You don't get your dick sucked right in the backseat of the car, do you? Yeah, you do.

I don't know what you just said, Ron, I ain't gonna lie.

I can't remember.

It's real Texas.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The water's gone bad out in Flint. you can get any hoe you want in Flint. All you gotta do is have two bottles of fresh water and you.

I thought it was pajamas.

No cap, the threes and the sixes and the mafias. Yeah, and the yeah.

I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday if you care.

Just got booked on a show.

You're good, you're good.

Put the mic in the mic stand. He almost left with the microphone there for a second. You guys, it was like, Thank you.

Wait, you wouldn't give him another book?

All right, you guys having fun out there? Yes, okay, let's do that then.

Yeah.

Boom beats. He did it.

I'm just trying to see how your jacket's up.

Another brand new minute. What? It's a hoodie, it's just a normal hoodie. Not all of us wore a Ghillie suit out tonight.

Shut your laffy, taffy ass.

I'm gonna get out of the way here. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I need to hide behind Ron.

Ron White and his motherfucking Tony Hitchcliff.

No, that's great, you look great today.

Thank you man, you look like a gay bottle of mustard nigga.

Oh you, son of a.

You son of a bitch.

You son of a bitch.

I'm joking.

We've been making fun of each other for five years. I'm running out of shit.

Right bro, I can't roast Ron White because he a legend man.

Don't you even?

I'm not nigga, that's my boy, you know what I'm saying?

I actually will say the n-word, he'll say the n-word. If you do. No, I'm kidding, I'm joking.

I know he will. He was born during that time. Nigga, you know what I'm saying?

He can get away with it.

When it was acceptable.

Yeah, man.

I was over there at the gas station, fucking two niggas come out with bottles of water.

I said, Nicaragua.

I love it.

Even if Ron said the n-word, would anybody really be mad? You know what I'm saying, like, I'd be like, okay.

No, he's beloved. No making fun of Ron I've noticed you never really make fun of the band, though.

What we got?

Let's see.

Last night, he told Shane Gillis that he looks like he plays wheelchair basketball or something. It was unbelievable. It may have been one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my entire life.

I can't joke on these. He a Black Israelite. There's 30 niggas outside in robes.

You are, I didn't know you were one of those.

That nigga a black Israelite man.

All right, you won't see John D's again on next week's episode. I'm kidding, I love the Black Israelites.

I walked past them the other day with a white girl. it was like, Do you know you fucking the devil?

Did you respond to that?

I just kept walking. I'm like, y'all niggas ain't in my position, nigga.

You're like, I know I'm fucking the devil, let's go, let's get the fuck out of here. What do we got?

Michael Gonzales.

If you had to say something about Michael, what would you say?

He the same height when he stand up and sit down.

Oh shit, oh shit.

Oh my god.

That motherfucker went from 4'2 to 4'8, nigga.

Yeah, I was gonna say.

That is incredible.

He's really just standing on the stool when he's doing that.

That's what's happening.

That nigga is a 38, 13 year old.

Absolutely incredible.

These maddass don't even know how. He look for a rose to hurt him, right, right. It's like, if I rose him, he gonna be like, okay.

What about Matt muelling over here? Innocent, good boy, always has nothing but nice to say about everybody.

He look like the spitball champion of Russia.

Spitball champion Oh.

You're starting to sweat. I turned around, I turned around, you were dry, you didn't have a Matt Mulling joke ready, huh?

But I thought we talked about, never mind, anyway, you like things that hang out.

It's true, the bottom of the barrel and you're gonna be throwing it against ladders and shit.

That's my boy, what he did.

He had a little struggle, he had about 20 seconds and then he started talking about how happy is to be a regular on Kill. Tony and I went on.

This like monologue got his phone out for references. He basically drank a cup of his own warm sperm. Up here, yeah.

How's gonna be all right? He got to get into the place, you know? So, like, I'm William been doing what five years, I've been doing it for years. He just got to get into that position to where this don't affect him anymore. We go out, people calling his names and you know, all type of different type of bitches want to fuck him.

Devils.

Yeah, hey man, make sure y'all pull up on me. The first week of April, I'm in Milwaukee, Ontario. Irvine and Oxnard improv how that your boy David Lucas comedy Calm.

JOEL RUNYON Joel Runyon is the next one more time for David Lucas. Everybody.

I'm not going to therapy, you can't make me. My last girlfriend tried to. She'd always try to guilt me, saying things like, Joel, why are you scared to open up? Why are you afraid of?

Joel Runyon All the way to the bear.

Get a feeling the crowd loved that.

JOEL All right, let's talk about it, let's talk about drinking. Are you really doing? I'm doing? No.

I've had four drinks since the beginning of the year, so not that much.

Wait, what?

I've drank like four times since January. Oh, okay, yeah, I thought you had like, a problem or something.

Sometimes. So why did? Why does your girlfriend want you to go to therapy? Well, she did. We're not together anymore.

No, I just does a back half part of the joke. it's what, it's the back part of the joke that I missed. What? I just think there's better ways to spend money than therapy. Well, I don't know if you know this, but there is.

A an amazing, amazing website called TalkSpace.

Regulations. As a listener of this podcast, you'll get $100 off your first month with TalkSpace when you go to talkspace.com. Slash Tony That's right.

TalkSpace.

Basically, around town I've been to.

Know, I'm from Chicago. How long have you lived here? Five years? What made you move here five years ago?

Well, I was traveling like, basically nomadic and then taxes and everybody's moving here. So I thought at 2018 I was like the last one here and then whole crew showed up.

Right, look at the trend that you started. I did it. Thank goodness for you, we all got word that Joel Runyon made it here.

So I just wrote down drinking. Yeah, I fucked up the joke, but uh, yeah, the idea was that therapy. You know, you can fix anything if you're willing to spend $150 on it. So they sell alcohol, alcohol won't solve all your problems.

Three years in the game? Yeah, let's. Why don't you do your best joke that you've ever written? Three years? Let's just hear.

Because I that couldn't have been your best minute, right? It was. It was better, but I got a. It's bright up here.

I think it would work better in an empty. It sounded like an empty room. yeah, your beats in your timing for an empty room or impeccable.

Don't you? I'd like to know what your process is. I mean, you knew you were gonna come up here, you knew you're gonna do 60 seconds, do you?

Um, I mean, that joke is like a two to four minute joke, has a lot more stuff into it.

And you left out the setups and the punch line. Yeah, most of the most of the funny stuff I did to trim the I.

Was like, Here's the structure.

Trim the beef and leave the fat on the cutting board. Just don't need this good meat we shall chew tonight, we shall chew the sweet fat of unfunny, that's.

What do you do for work? I work for myself, I have a fitness company called Impossible. Well, sounds about right, yeah.

Is that short for impossible to listen to? Yeah, all right. What's special about your gym? It's not a gym, it's a.

So basically take on different physical challenges and go out and do the like double there.

Right, thank you, shut the fuck up. It was stupid. Okay, yeah, you what? How old are you? 35, 35? You watch Double Dare as a kid?

I don't think I watched much TV as a kid, watch like Saturday cartoons. Okay, what were you doing when you were a kid? I played basketball, I had a lawn mowing business.

What do you think the most interesting thing about you is in the world?

Like, if you could give us a fun fact about your life. I ran an ultramarathon on every continent.

Okay, yeah, all right. Wow. You can't afford therapy, run from your demons.

Antarctica is the easy one because people are like, Oh, Antarctica. Finland was like more interesting because it was like more of an expedition. Kind of got lost in the middle of it, ran out of water. You're just trying to survive at that point. So it was less of a race. Your stand-up?

What I do, man, that's what I do. I love it. Well, Joel, you got on stage tonight. Here's a little joke book from the Great Bones.

I like how you handed it off. On that time, I knew he wasn't gonna catch it. I'm not gonna throw it.

I know a non-catcher. When I see you on. He literally kept saying how he fumbled. His said, What am I gonna do? Throw a joke book at the guy Boo.

Wow.

That's a lot, and meanwhile, you guys didn't sign up how many? You think you're funnier than Joel Run yet?

Wanted to know How did he run a marathon in Antarctica? I think like, I think he was lying to us.

And Finland is not a continent. Right here he is everybody. Eric Barry, come on.

There's a there's been a lot of bad things happening in the world and I'd, uh.

All right, Eric, Barry, Welcome Eric. How are you? I'm very out of breath. Why are you so out of breath?

I had to say my Grubhub got hacked and I was talking to the customer service in the other alleyway and then.

Wow, I can't lose that $45.

It got hacked by somebody in Philadelphia, ordered from Teddy's pizza, and I had to take care of that. I was on the phone with customer service and then they said my name, so yeah, how do you get hacked like that?

You did. have you been just clicking on links? I, I did, I did get a.

Recently signed up for a Pornhub premium and I'm thinking that, Yeah, how would you do that?

You know, yeah, what, what are you not getting off of the thousands of hours of porn on porn? I like to support the sex workers, you know?

I recently been chatting with the lady who said that she might have a pregnancy scare, and then that sent me down a prego porn.

Wait, you were chatting with a lady that you've had sex with, that said that you may know. We just matched on Tinder and she was afraid that someone else got it. Yeah, and that was enough to send you down.

Hole I try to find inspiration wherever I can in the world. You know, that's prego. Porn is free, though.

No one's paying for that shit. I, I, I should say, like, what? Yeah, you're like, you're like, I'm gonna pay for premium, I want 10 months pregnant.

Should say is like, not to force the issue. But in terms of my like, I, I used to be a gay for pay sex worker. Wow.

Finally, oh my god, oh my God. I've been trying to fucking interview humans up here for the last hour straight and I've been getting nothing. The last guy ran around other continents and now here we have hit the fucking lottery. Gay for pay Eric Barry.

Let's talk about it. Is that gonna be in the clip Gray for?

You're afraid of Instagram? This whole thing's going to exist for eternity.

I mean, I'm gay enough that I got paid enough money to take some cocks, but like, no.

All right, so we know you're that gay, but I'm saying, before that, where did you ever know? No, no, actually. And I was, uh.

I talked about this in my stand-up, but yeah, I was actually a virgin the first time I ever went into that whole situation.

How did you end up in that situation?

The short version is Craigslist used to have a erotic service that Brian knows. Yeah, I miss it.

Craigslist.

Craigslist had an erotic services section. And it turns out college is very expensive in the U.

By the way, just a reminder that sound that sounds like gay sex is actually is actually Tom's cigar after breaking his arm playing basketball. A little fun fact Only here at Kill Tony do we use that sound effect when we're talking about two men fucking? Because Tom Segura, that's just him.

Whatever, decades ago, you're like, 18, I literally, the ad said, just turned 18. UC Berkeley freshman, former high school football player Never been with a guy and like, with the Berkeley, so you're like, around San Fran.

My God, that's like a ad being I'm a Leprechaun end of the rainbow pot of gold, come find me. Everybody would literally be like, Wait, let's go Sam Fran.

Shit, you not. Within like 15 minutes, my inbox was like, just full and.

What you call your asshole, I.

I.

Believe that's the outbox, I think the inbox is the the mouth or something.

How much did you have, like, how much did you charge? Is it by flowers or is it wrenches because you're a guy? Or like, what is? It depends on what it was like.

I've actually never had a dick in my ass. Most commonly, guys want to pay to blow you.

So yeah, what, yeah, really, that was that. The first job that you had was the guy who wanted to blow you.

Know that the first, the first person, was a dick in the air, real, real.

Come on, answer the question.

First one was supposed to be it was supposed to be a nude massage, and though it was a wife that contacted me, she said her and her husband wanted a nude massage. Hell yeah.

JELAINE MAXWELL Yeah, totally, totally not gay at all, cuz I'm a woman.

I I thought I was like dipping my kids into the kiddie pool of prostitution, and I took Bart the public transit over there. The husband picked me up and in the car on the way to the place that, oh, I forgot to tell you. We couldn't find a babysitter for the kids, so my wife took the kids to the movies. And it's just gonna be you and me, oh.

So he picks you up, you're in the car, he tells you that and I'm like, Fuck, was, you know?

Did the wife ever exist? Whatever? It was supposed to be $200 an hour for two hours, so we get there, clothes come off. I'm nervous as hell.

You've never been with a woman, you're not talking about your anal virginity, you're talking all-around. Full gold star.

Alright, I had had my dick sucked, but that was by a woman, but that was, who cares?

Get back to the $200 an hour for two hours.

Fucking amazing, this, this is, this is 100 true. Just so it ends up just being the the nude massage pleasantly. And when it comes time to get paid, it's two hours. I'm thinking, four hundred dollars an hour. And the guy starts pulling out 20s and it's one, two, three, four, five. and he stops there.

Fucking amazing. Keep going, keep going, so.

He sees, he sees the look on my face and he's like, Hold on, I think I have something. And he runs back to his bedroom and he comes back. 100 true.

Could have been Whataburger.

100 true, yeah, and that's one of many stories. He fucked you twice.

Yeah.

Three, five dollar coupons to in-and-out after the saddest story I've ever heard.

Here you go. I know your ass is leaking right now, but I hope you hope you like animal. I know you like doggie style, but go animal style. Here's some. I know that I just went in and out of you.

Yeah, there's all there's. I can't. Even that is the tip of the iceberg, my friend.

So after that, did you just go crazy and like, Oh, I'm doing this every day, multiple guys today.

That's how it happens. Like in Wolf of Wall Street, he starts off with penny stocks. The next thing, you know, he's fucking like the king of everything, right? You just have shit going in and out of your ass. Cash flowing, like in that scene in Scarface, where they're just printing money and laughing, except there's dicks everywhere.

It's, uh, yeah, it got it got to be a little bit addictive.

And then, wow, made you dinner, didn't even give you coupons? How romantic. That's incredible. Eric. Here's a big joke book, amazing set, very fun interview. I appreciate it so much, very, very fun.

My ma gave me a stupid fucking name when I was born, Shamey Todd can't take anyone seriously with this name. So as soon as I turned 18, I had to change to a normal name, Michael, but then at every family function, she guilt me about the name change.

So I changed it back to Todd.

I'm retarded.

Or a daughter?

It hurt.

What the fuck, Adam Crocetti, everybody in perhaps one of my favorite ever all-time kill Tony moments, sitting here for almost ten years all around the world and every Monday. Perhaps one of my favorite moments just happened where you did that joke. And Ron and I both leaned back at the same time and both said, Oh my God.

And.

So, yeah, that's where we were. You got a laugh from the people that don't know what good is.

How long did you think that joke was? because it was like 15 seconds long and then you had a pause for a fucking ever. Nothing behind that.

Just wanted to get one in clean dude, and then my cord fall.

The cord fell out. You got a genuine laugh off of the cord falling out. Was it on purpose? Do you do that when things aren't going good? I?

Wish, I wish that was intentional. Tony, I'm just an idiot, are you really?

Possibly, quite possibly. So. Okay, how are you? Are you okay?

I'm good man. I did not think I was gonna get paid, dude, it was. It was shocking.

That's yeah, you sign up for a show with 200 other people, you pull about eight to ten names or something like that. Your odds are basically kind of in a weird way, one in 20 or something, I guess that would make it.

I want to hear the one that got.

Um.

I'm a thing about Joe Pesci a lot lately, man. I'm worried about his legacy, man. He's nearing the end of his life. And I feel like everyone in this room is going to only remember him as the villain. With the twinkling gold tooth and Home alone, I think people forget. One year prior to that, this bastard won the Oscar for the most ruthless portrayal of a gangster we've ever seen on the silver screen in Goodfellas.

Wow, oh.

My God, I think it would have been hard to pick between those two jokes if.

All right, you had to have struggled there for a little bit. That Joe Pesci joke was bad fella.

Is there worse than the retired one? Yeah.

Yeah, they're both horrible, they're doing there with the same level of just absolutely absolutely horrible. How long you been on stand-up, man?

22 months of, like, 10 mics a week. wow, 22 months, that's where we're at. A bad retard.

220 open mics about. And this is where we're at.

Smile a lot, but I do hit me with the the fucking Grammy mushroom gummy in the fucking alley, shouldn't? It took it?

Geniuses, I bet it was Eric Barry, these other comedians out here just fucking giving away mushroom gummies trying to shine up here. I was just telling I have a mushroom gummy. I did gay for pay. I need this.

It was a mistake, man. I was just telling the kid outside, I'm like, I know if I got picked right now would be a terrible thing. And then?

You're on a mushroom, gummy, you're halfway through scamming a guy from your account in Philadelphia on.

It was a small, gummy, I'm a pussy, it was a small dose.

All right, Adam, really, I got to get you out of here. That goes. Adam Chrisetti, you've been on before. Oh yeah.