#634 - YANNIS PAPPAS + RYAN SICKLER + MIKE FEENEY

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Hey everybody, Kill Tony live from the Heb Center in Austin, Texas, Saturday, December 30th at 7pm. Just went on sale and you have to trust me, tickets are going lightning fast. It's absolutely unbelievable. These will be the first podcasts of Kill Tony ever in an arena. This is two and a half, three times as big as the ACL Live theater that we did for the 10-year anniversary.

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Oh yeah, back to our roots, three comedians, two New Yorkers and L..A.'s finest Ryan Sickler, Mike Feeney, Yanis Papas.

Yeah.

Yanis just had a wildly successful weekend here at the Comedy Mothership. And this is Mike Feeney's first time at the club. How about a hand for Mike Feeney, everybody?

Happy to be back doing the show again. I love it, I love it, welcome back, and first time at the mothership, first time for Ryan, too, right?

No, oh, you've been here, I've been here, that's right, you had a fucking bad back last time.

This is the first place I performed after I almost died in January. That's right, it was. He's alive and well alive and motherfucking well y'all.

YouTube slash Ryan Sickler, lefty's son? He also, of course, has the hit podcast Honeydew, which I've had a few of my favorite ever appearances on. Thanks to your father, Thanks to my father. The one gift he gave me were unbelievably ridiculous stories to tell on your podcast.

Thank you for abandoning me, dad. I don't know why I looked up there, he's still alive.

That's just sad, and yes, like I said. Mike Feeney's huge new special comes out this Friday. A night at the Comedy Cellar where he shot in all four rooms. Self-produced, self-directed, self-edited. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. You guys have all done this show before, you know how it works.

An absolute buttload of people signed up for the chance to do. 60 seconds on this stage, we're only going to get through fucking, hopefully, as many as we can. But they get 60 seconds of uninterrupted stand-up comedy time. You know, their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

And then I interview them and we find out more about them, more stuff that they could possibly talk about. Since it's a little bit of a walk from the bar next door, we are going to pre-select our first bucket pull so that they can get ready and behind the curtain. But first, I think we should start the show with, really, I think the guy that's the greatest show starter in the history of this show. You guys know anything about the show that you're at?

Woo woo.

My eyes are always in eclipse mode, I just have to side-eye it.

Israel is fighting Palestine again. winner has to fight Russia.

Loser has to marry Jada Pinkett Smith.

And be backup dancers for Lizzo.

Suck that banana Palestine?

All right, thank you. There you go. 50 seconds of new material from Hans Kim getting out 10 seconds early after a two-week break. Sorry about that, Tony. I am saving up for the Heb Show. It's going to be a great one.

Tune in, yes, for those of you that don't know, it is indeed happening. The first ever true main event comedy battle in the history of Kill Tony. For an already sold-out show. It will be Hans Kim versus Golden Ticket winner Rick Diaz. And they have decided they've put it all up on the line.

One will be a full-time regular of the show, the other will not appear. He has steak in Europe.

Oh.

My goodness, I absolutely love this. You guys have an internet beef and everything. You guys are promoting this fight better than Dylan Danis and Logan Paul did. It's incredible.

Update the people if they don't know what's been happening on the internet between you two. So on the internet, Rick Diaz has been a little bitch and he has about one-tenth of the followers that I have. And I blocked him, so I don't know what the fuck he's doing. I have been killing it.

I have McVader on my side, making me posters, I got random people just giving me posters of Rick Diaz getting fucked in the ass and shit.

I've been wildly successful, I've been making money off of YouTube, off that clip.

Wildly successful, and you are, you're selling out everywhere you go, adding shows to these comedy club dates. Incredible to think that only what three years ago you were sleeping in the van? Yeah, not doing anything with my life being a real Rick Diaz.

Now this is a huge advantage that you have over him while he's in Brussels doing his day job. You get to come here every Monday and just talk, Shit, yeah, oops, you fucked up, bitch.

HANS Oh my goodness, repping the fucking KT friends and Family 10-year anniversary jacket. You busted it out a little bit early on a 78-degree day.

I love it well, like you. It was also made in China. No, I'm kidding, he's Korean, everybody, he's Korean.

Have you talked to your parents lately? No, I sent them $1,000 to go to China, I sent $1,000 to my mom and that keeps her happy. Wait, you're supporting your parents.

Don't they live in Seattle? Yeah, in San Francisco, same thing.

Why are you sending your mom money? Just to be like, Thanks for raising me. Here's a little loan repayment. I'm repaying her back for raising me, that's nice.

That is nice, but you should stop that. How old are you? 34? Yeah, 34 is a little bit too late to be giving $1,000 here and there. Well, 3 years ago, I was in a van.

I didn't really give her anything. was she giving you money? was she supporting you? Yeah, she let me live in her house for 5 years. She left for Korea.

I was alone in this beautiful condo for 3 years, just doing open mics, and that really helped my comedy career. So I just want to repay the investment she made in my stock. Wow, look at that $1,000 covers that I'd say free living for 3 years in a condo. here's $1,000..

Send another $1,000 to San Francisco. They need it right now. Yeah, they really do. What's their situation? are they rich?

Are your parents rich? Yeah, my sisters live together, my mom lives with them. She lives in Oakland, California. She recently had a bag stolen from her at a Costco.

Do you mind? Yeah, because I thought you said, Are you rich? And then I heard him say, Yeah, then I heard him say, my sisters live together.

And I don't know any rich, motherfucking sisters that live together, you know what I'm saying? You said? Their mom lives with them, too, that ain't rich. That sounds like communal.

I got to send a portion back to North Korea. Everybody pitch in, you know what I mean?

So your sisters live together, what's your dad like? My dad is kind of like....

What is that? He's a Korean santa claus.

What does that mean? How you just described your dad? He's lovable, He's sort of like a sitcom dad. He's like, Oh, dad, always doing things that are socially awkward.

Like, what can you give us an example?

No.

I think raising him. Have you thought about sending your dad a thousand bucks? No, why is that? My dad is rich?

My dad is doing great. Is he an engineer? He is a mathematician? Oh God.

Those guys are always the life of the party.

He's always like farting, like bubbly farts. Wait a second. What does that mean? bubbly farts like wet farts?

Yeah, very wet farts, okay, red band. Jesus Christ, we have a....

Literally, we're three minutes into the episode and you're busting out your fart board already. Okay, my dad is great, my mom and him are sort of separated. He lives in Korea alone.

Your dad lives in Korea alone. Yeah, what do you think he's doing over there? Exactly? I hope. Having lots of sex. I don't know what he's doing.

He has a three-bedroom apartment to himself.

I fucking love it. A rich mathematician in Korea, there's room for everybody in Korea, and nobody's allowed to go. Oh, it's so good, that is amazing.

Does your mom have a job? Yeah, she tutors children in math. Oh my god, this is the most unbelievable stereotype that I've ever heard. mathematician, And your mom really tutors math.

If you tell me she can't drive, I'm going to lose my fucking mind.

She can drive, she can, really. How about your sisters? They can drive, but I don't know what they're up to.

Actually, yeah, we just got a live feed from their driveway, that's just the driveway. So imagine what's going on when they pull all the way out, speaking of pulling all the way out. Your dad, does he have any other kids with any other women?

No, it's just us. Hopefully, hopefully, no one would know if he did right. Maybe he sends them away and uses those rooms.

No, he seems like he's pretty content, he's got that surgery on his eyes to make them bigger. No way did he for real.

He said it was for medical reasons. What medical reasons? because his eyes were too small?

So he literally got the.

Eye opening They have an eye opening. What do they do? Trim away your eyelids or something. Your eyes really are closed.

It is kind of crazy. I know we've been working together for years and this is a weird time for me to bring it up. But holy shit, yeah, this is me.

My goodness, have you ever thought about getting the surgery? Yes, I would love to get the surgery. How much does it cost? I don't know.

Not that much, $10,000. Can you look up the anti-Asian surgery or whatever it's called?

Not the dick lengthening one Korean eyelid surgery. My girlfriend wants it too. Oh my god, it really is $3,100..

Oh, I could get that. In Korea, it's only $1,500. You could visit Dad, have an eye opening experience.

This is incredible.

He's got room for you, he's got two rooms for you. Amazing Hans. Well, so much fun way to start the episode.

You did it again, you're so much fun. Living legend, the great, the powerful Hans Kim. He makes it look easy.

I know, I know it's wild. That was Hans Kim, that was Hans Kim.

That was Hans Kim, your first bucket full of the night. Ladies and gentlemen. Now, if you don't know this is where stuff, maybe this is your first time at the show, maybe you have orange hair and glasses.

This is the part where things can get a little weird because we don't know these people. We meet them all together, they get a minute and then we try to figure out what the fuck's going on with their lives. So make some noise for your first bucket full of the night. Michael hines, everybody, Michael hines.

And I pre-pulled this bucket.

How's it going, everyone? Woo, Yeah, I like to keep my cock a little stanky, you know, mostly because the girls I'm fucking don't wash their fucking box. So I'm trying to return the favor.

If I'm hitting it from the back and I'm catching a little back, draft man, you know. I want her to smell it from the front, clean it off for me. Come here, reach underneath, have a treat.

Disgusting, no, but I do like dating handicapped girls. I like dating handicapped women, mostly because parking near 6th Street is a bitch.

But I am partial to the autistic women because they're not typically talkers.

But I will peruse the terminal ward for the occasional babe. You know, you don't get that awkward phone call like, How come you didn't call me back? It just sort of takes care of itself.

But you do have to keep a toilet plunger in the back seat. Because those girls don't have any hair. And those broads are rail thin, so there's nothing to grab. You gotta be able to thank you, that's been my time.

Holy shit, where do we begin?

Oh my God. Michael Hines welcome. This is your first time on the show, correct?

Yes, sir, I would remember you. I saw you last Wednesday, right after I got kicked out of the queek in the cave, the queek in the cave. What kind of speech impediment do you have?

Is that from eating stinky pussy? What is that exactly? I got kicked out of the queek in the cave. Oh my goodness, you have a little bit of a speech impediment, huh?

You know, mostly when I'm nervous, you sound like what Hans Kim's eyes look like. It's like something blocking your fucking something. So holy shit. Alright, Michael, let's just jump right into a dirty dick to return the favor for the dirty pussies that you get so much of.

Somehow, obviously, how much pussy are you getting? When I first got to Austin, I fucked like five girls in a row, but one of them had a pregnancy scare. And I'm like, I'm not fucking any more girls that I'd be embarrassed to bring home. So that was it. It's been dry for a while. I've never been convinced someone's had sex less than you.

I.

It's the lack of sideburns is what's making me feel like no sideburns, no pussy, that's kind of the rule.

It is interesting.

It is.

I got a haircut yesterday, it was down to here up until, like yesterday. Okay, and you're like, clean it up, but not really....

Leave something weird at the top. Well, I had a comic cut it, so you what, I had a comic cut it. Oh, okay.

That's brilliant.

Be honest, that's his credit. He had a comic cut his hair.

You look like Dexter.

When my hair was longer, I used to get Jeffrey Dahmer a lot, so I had to change the glasses out. I had the same ones. Okay, I don't think you'd be confused with a killer.

Where did you find these five girls? How did that happen? When I moved to Austin, I had sex with five girls in a row, you said. So let's just jump right into it. I want to know where you're finding these fucking absolute, you know?

Chicks with no fucking.

Standards? Thank you. Yes. Matt Muehling, thank you. We took a couple weeks off.

I'm a little bit slow right now, a little dusty. Go ahead. Well, I met them all on Tinder and, you know, they were. I'm a veteran and so I wanted a girl to take....

You're a veteran.

Hold on, hold on, d-madness is telling him to stop.

So if you're a veteran, you get a free meal at IHOP and Applebee's on Veterans Day. Yeah, on Veterans Day, not Memorial Day. We're the ones that fucking dodge that shit dude, and they don't honor us on Memorial Day.

Okay, what branch of the military were you? The marine Corps? You were in the marines? what the fuck?

So what did?

I worked on the helicopters. I was supposed to be a door gunner, but I was in California the whole time, so I never really did anything all that cool. You worked on helicopters? Oh my God.

They make it pretty idiot-proof, they have, like computers. It's like LeGo pieces, you see the screw go in, and it's like two sentence summaries of what you have to do.

How'd they let you in then? I don't know, man, someone was slipping. One day. You served our country with that Karen haircut.

For real, it was a little shorter then. You know who he looks like, though, is the Um, I can't say you might know his name.

You look like the little elf from the Rudolph movie I watched with my daughter. Oh my God, the one who wants to be the dentist.

It's solar and it just goes like this, and it's you the one who wants to be the dentist. No shit, unbelievable. It is true. You do look like a pitcher for every women's softball team.

This is unbelievable. Michael, So how long have you been doing stand-up? Like, seven months now? What do you do for a living? I'm on unemployment right now.

Rocking the system, baby. Oh, the taxpayers love to hear that, hey guys.

Take these girls out for your free meals, but that's only one day. Did you go to, like IHOP for lunch and Applebee's for dinner? Well, you know, most of them I didn't really want to take out. The first girl kind of looked like the Bucky's mascot, dude, you look like the Bucky's mascot.

What are you talking about? The second one was like she was like trailer trash, she was missing, like, not all the way. But meth has eaten away a good percentage of the protein. And we know you've always wanted to be a dentist, exactly.

What are you saying? You're perfect for her? There was one really good-looking one, like, I don't know what she was thinking, or maybe my pictures are a little deceiving. She thought you were a hot lesbian.

She was like a Brazilian girl and she was like a foot taller than me. I only brought her to my house, we had a good time. I brought her home and then she was like, Listen, you're really cool, but we're done. So what happened when you took her to your house?

This hot Brazilian chick. Right now my bed's on the floor, but at the time I was renting a place with a really high bed frame. So it like, worked out. Because I could actually bend her over that, I couldn't quite get up there. That doesn't make sense. No, like she....

That would be the opposite. It worked out. She liked how tall it was, she was able to kind of show off, she was like an Amazonian Queen dude.

It was pretty cool.

Why do you think she had sex with you? I don't know, I guess because Tinder didn't add the height part yet, but now it's pretty much over. Dude, I put 5'9 and I'm kind of lying, Oh yeah.

You're definitely lying. 5'8 and a half, maybe. I don't know. 5'7, 5'7, yeah.

You're getting closer, I'm sticking with 5'8 and I'm gonna take it to the grave. Shut up, Michael, Sorry, what do you do for fun?

Tell us something interesting about your life, the history of your life real quick before we let you go. I used to be a jiu-jitsu instructor for like, six years, and kickboxing. I don't really do it so much in Austin because I don't have a lot of money anymore. But I used to do it for fun. Now I just kind of take my dog out for walks and do comedy.

Oh my god, well, Michael, congratulations, I believe.

We have people of all different shapes and sizes on this show. And congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket first. Michael. Here's a little joke book for you. There he goes, Michael hines everybody.

He's leaving here with a Gel Blaster, the great people over at Gel Blaster, your next bucket pull. This looks like another new name. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Halima Abshir, everybody.

Halima Abshir We're going to meet them straight out. Here's Halima, everybody.

What's going on, guys? My name is Halima. I look like a transitioning boy. All the time. I have a resting political discussion face.

I look like a walking Twitter argument, like most people just assume that I voted for Biden. I've never voted ever. You know what I did in the last primary? I just watched Steve Harvey.

Yeah, I just laid on my couch, going, what yo ass say, yo ass is going to hell. I love Steve, I think he should be our next president. Vice President Herschel Walker.

You're not with me. President Trump, Vice President Herschel Walker, That's the America that I want to see. SeCREtARy of State Kanye All right.

Has that been a minute?

52 seconds Okay, I guess she is done. Halima Abshir Everybody.

Hell yeah, welcome. Very funny, resting, political face. hilarious.

How long have you been doing stand-up? Four and a half years, Four and a half years, where at?

Columbus, Columbus, Ohio. Beautiful, that is the town of Brian Redband, that is indeed where we all went to college.

You were born and raised there, yeah, Ethiopian, Somali, oh Somali.

Okay, very cool, yeah. I was on the show back in 2019 in Columbus.

Yeah, okay, you were really young. It was like your first or second time or something. I was like eight months in.

I was like, 20.

Awesome, I do remember you. Awesome Redband always remembers the young ladies, no matter what.

I was heavy back then, too, I was like, 220. Wow, how'd you lose the weight?

I was just calories and calories out there you go, that's how you do it. Redband There you go, there you go.

You learned something new. I ate two chocolate croissants yesterday. I don't give a fuck. I ate two chocolate croissants yesterday. Oh shit.

It's all about math. Baby, absolutely, absolutely okay. Have you ever had any other kind of croissants?

Or do you stick with your own kind?

What do you do for a living? I'm a barista. I was fired yesterday. Whoa, very cool.

Yeah, I was overqualified for the job. I worked in specialty coffee for four years because of stand-up and then got fired yesterday. Okay, and that's why you took the croissants.

Somali, that's a good pun, Sama Leave, that's a good pun, all right.

It kind of worked, I liked it. Thank you and you're Somali, so your vote is the one that counts. So what did you do to get fired?

Exactly, giving discounts to regulars, yeah, which is a part of the purpose of the building. It's one of those Berkshire Hathaway type things. They're just like, Oh, they paid us to open up a coffee shop here, and everyone that lives here gets 15 off.

I was going to ask you, were you giving them 15? or were you giving them like 65?

Oh, I was giving them 15 and they fired you for that. Yeah, oh well, fuck them then.

That's okay, that's a latte to take in, another good pun.

Did you say that to your manager when they tried to fire you? It was just a phone call. I knew when I got the phone call, it was going to be fired for something. I don't know why. I just expect bad shit to happen all the time.

That is so weird, because normally someone like you is the person that doesn't get fired. Even if they did their job. I know I was stealing hoodies from them, coffee. Nowadays, they need people like you.

They must have some trans person they have to hire at the coffee shop because they're like, next in the.

Here's the problem. I make latte art every single time, every time, I'm a killer at it.

All the non-binaries over steam, it's ugly, it's foam bitch, that's a cappuccino, that's a gigantic cappuccino.

You fat fuck, right?

Absolutely, so I need a 9 to 5 or something. Yeah, what are you going to do? What's your method of survival?

You live here now. Yeah, I'm good for, like, November, good till November, alright.

One of my favorite Wyclef Jean songs, You could Always Hijack Ships.

Make a little cash, come back, make them coffee, go down there and make them coffee. I am the cappuccino now.

I don't know.

So what's your skills? what could we possibly hire you for? If there's a lot of the economy here in Austin is booming, how long have you lived here? Like two months?

Okay, I'm a people person, I could small talk people person, I bake bread.

I could cook well, okay, I'll cook the shit out of vegetables, I mean, any which way?

Beurre blanc, all types of sauces, dark roux, light roux, whatever you want.

Why'd you say the dark one first? because I don't. There's a real theme here with you. Chocolate croissants. It's Austin.

Black coffee? I don't see a lot of Black people anymore, so I have to think of Black people to feel like I'm Black. Now. You know how Dee madness feels?

Thanks, Austin, you're welcome, Dee.

Okay.

What else other than cooking, give us another skill or talent? I'm trying to figure out. I was getting like $500 a month from stand up before I moved here, that was a skill.

How were you doing that? Gigs? Just, you know, like Thursday in Columbus, No. All over Ohio.

Kentucky, Indiana You know, driving, that's probably not going to happen here, it's not.

I don't, yeah. Is there anybody hiring out there? any business owners hiring? Clap your hands.

If you are, I've done sales. Who needs the shit cooked out of their vegetables? Somebody out there needs it. I've tutored math.

Alright, Hans mom, we see what's going on over here. I did go to Kumon for like, 10 years, you went to what, Kumon?

What's that? It's like some math learning place, it's just extra homework, that's just what it is. It's a lot of Asian people gathering to make their kids do more homework.

Wow, some people know what it is.

They didn't have that in Youngstown, right? Definitely not. You are correct, quite the opposite.

Okay, well, I guess we're not going to find you a job one more time. Any business owners out there clap your hands.

Wow, no one, no one looking for a Somali barista that gives away discounts to people that should get them? That's a real glimpse of Texas, everybody. For those of you watching on the internet, there are guaranteed so many business owners here right now. What do you do for a living, sir?

I'm an accountant. You just lied. Did you hear that, Paz?

True, I'm looking at our sponsors here. You can't work for Connect Mobile Health because they're nurses, you can't work for Austin Pools because you can't swim.

Tony, What does that mean?

The bones, the eye of the great bone's eye. Halima, it's coming at you, Halima, All right, I'll hand it to you.

There you go, great stuff, Halima, How about one more time for Halima? Abshire? Everybody? That's what it's all about.

Okay, now, this is very exciting. I pulled your third name out of the bucket and there is an eye next to it in parentheses, which means this bucket pool is inside of the room. Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of you representing you, the audience.

Usually, it's a first timer. Let's see what happens here, ladies and gentlemen. Miguel Gonzalez everybody, how about that?

Hey, what's up y'all?

I could do his entire 60 seconds right now. Yeah, let's get Mike Feeney another drink, whatever he's having all right. One more time for your very own Miguel Gonzalez.

Hi everybody. So I nicknamed my booty hole Shrek because I stay having swamp ass, just like Shrek. He doesn't want anyone in his swamp. But just like Donkey, my lady refuses to listen and tries to stick a finger in there.

But we all know in the end, though, Shrek ultimately loves Donkey's company. And there's even sweet sequels. That is it all right? More, more, more.

What the fuck was that 20 seconds of your butthole shrek? Hybrid jokes written on a full length napkin? Yeah, where were you when you wrote that?

I was at work like, I don't know when we buy tickets. Like 20. Like two months ago, two months ago. You wrote that, you wrote 20 seconds of material two months ago, and you're like, with the laughter, this will be good.

In my head, this will be 60 seconds for sure. Y'all, these people have no idea how funny Shrek and Buttholes are combined. Oh, okay, okay, okay, yeah.

So wait, what, Paul, what did you just say to this guy? Oh yeah.

Put the microphone up to your mouth. So when I wrote this, I had it like, I was gonna say it slower. But I'm up here. I'm nervous and I just ran right through it. That was never gonna be a minute.

You actually sped through that.

Yeah, I can't imagine how wet your ass must be right now. I mean, knowing the little bit that we know about you and the situation that you're in. This. Texas weather has been bad. Yeah, that's crazy, cause it is autumn right now.

No doubt about it. Where do you live, Miguel? 40 minutes outside of Los Angeles, you performed at the Ontario Improv Ontario.

Is the answer okay, very good. When I say Ontario, it's always Canadian, no one thinks you're Canadian, Miguel can tell us.

Canadian Canada.

Canada I had to jump the wall to get here. Oh man, my parents did your what?

My parents did, your parents did, absolutely. Did they ever tell you that story? Honestly, they didn't jump it.

They drove right across. Oh okay, beautiful shout out to the Border Patrol. thank you so much. Coincidentally, that's my cousin.

Border Patrol Your cousin's in the border patrol. What do your parents think about that? They don't really care, right?

He let them in, he opened the door, exactly.

He's the door guy. What do you do for work? Miguel? I drive big rigs, drive big rigs, okay?

That's where that swamp ass is coming from, exactly.

So you wrote that two months ago, yeah, and you've kept it on that napkin the entire time? No, I wrote this in the hotel, okay?

But it's been in my head since those two months. You had it memorized?

Tell us a fun fact about your life, Miguel. I used to play hockey, but I love going to like concerts. You used to play hockey. I used to play hockey, just like adult league, though.

Not professional, obviously, definitely, yeah, obviously.

This guy gives us a bunch of information we don't need. Ontario, you'll never believe it, California, not Canada. Yes, I played hockey.

Not professionally. Yeah, obviously. Wow. Unbelievable goalie, no forward.

Okay, and you played hockey. How did that go for you? How did you learn hockey through a friend? I went to go watch him and then it was cool watching him.

He told me to buy all my gear, so I did. That is so weird. Normally, Mexicans hate ice.

No, just hockey. What's your love life? Like? Girlfriend's over there is that the orange haired woman, wow, orange hair.

Very interesting. Did she prepare material for this?

Absolutely not so. Did you run that shrek material by her? Not really, but kind of my brother. But no, she's saying no aggressively, actually.

So you didn't know that? When he got up here, he was going to point right at you and tell everybody you play with his swampy ass. You didn't sign off on that. Oh, that was new to you, too. Oh, look at that, we're all in this together. How about that?

Hell yeah, I like that. How long have you two been together? 12-15 years? Wow, look at that.

You guys have kids, no, why do you say it like that? You said it like you're from Ontario, Canada? No.

We don't want any, none. What do you do? You have a pull out method Plan B?

Plan B You just have her taking a bunch of plan B. No, I mean, pull out for the most part, but when I do, yeah.

Dude, what kind of Mexican are you? You play hockey and you don't want kids? What is that like? Never heard of that in my life.

That is incredible. Opposite of a Mexican, I guess. Shit talked a lot for that. Trust me, this Plan B thing is so interesting to me because I don't hear that very often.

That's not like a normal thing. Hey, sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Plan B. How many times do you think you've had this poor woman take plan B?

At least once a month, once a month, have you?

Wow, shut the fuck up. This is incredible, not at all. This is unbelievable.

You get this Plan B from just a local drugstore, or do you get it illegally sent in from Mexico?

Costco Planned Parenthood, That's it. What is it, Costco? and Planned Parenthood, Costco?

It's illegal here, you get it in bulk.

Costco has Plan B for real. That membership just went up like a motherfucker in this room.

They take it off with a forklift on a pallet. I don't know what the hell is going on with this Plan B, but god damn, you asked for the Mexican size plan Bean.

Miguel, any other fun facts about you before we let you go? No, how does it feel up here?

I can't even dream of this, I don't know. this is just wild to me, you know what, you know what?

Your performance was so good, I'm going to let you come inside of your girlfriend.

Here's a little joke book. There you go, you're going to be taking Plan C tonight, girl, you're going to be taking plan C there.

He goes one more time for the inside zone. Miguel Gonzalez Everybody. He was heckling during the commercial break that we took, by the way, a little fun fact.

It's always fun to see how those that heckle end up doing on stage when they get up here. That was a perfect example. 20 seconds of absolute fucking sludgy wet underwear material by Miguel Gonzalez. You never know who you're going to get out of the bucket. We found your next comedian out of the bucket just a few months ago.

Immediately, he was the fastest ever comedian from bucket pool to regular, after only one performance. His next performance, his first time as a regular, was at the 10 year anniversary show, where he famously said that he's not retarded. But he loves rocks, which over, I believe, 500 million people have heard about since then. He's an absolute sensation, we fucking love him.

Here's a brand new minute from the future. Cam Patterson everybody.

I love you too, bitch.

So I'm getting money now, and that's pretty cool. you know what I'm saying? Getting money is pretty cool, but I gotta pay taxes. So you know what that means, right? I'm going to jail.

What's crazy about my life?

I also think he's going to be a great father when he has kids. And the comment right under said I completely disagree.

That's all the time I have. I appreciate y'all.

Super white man, how you doing, brother?

This the whitest nigga on earth, Dawg, that's beautiful.

You know what, though, he could help you with those taxes? I know a guy, we got an accountant over here in the crowd too, right there.

Doesn't own the business, though, doesn't own it. My dog needs your help.

I wasn't listening.

Who would have guessed what the fuck?

He does drive a Subaru, his friend just threw him under the bus, he just shit himself. Oh no, oh shit.

Oh God, Cam Patterson with another fantastic minute. And it's true you are making money now, you're doing it.

I know for a fact that you were just in L.

A all week taking meetings with all the biggest agencies in the world. I mean, really big deal. They are all literally right now competing, lying to Cam Patterson about what they can do for him.

So tell us about it, how was it? It was cool, I mean, it was cool, everybody talking to me and shit.

It was real nice, I just did Phoenix with David Nice. That was dope. I fucked a bodybuilder later.

Oh, you did, yeah, that was pretty fucking crazy, dog, Yeah, tell us about it. It was scary because I didn't know if she was a lady for real at first. So I had to go to her Instagram and scroll through some pictures. You know what I'm saying? and find out what she was before.

And she was a lady 100. But like, 30 seconds in when we were fucking, she was like, I was fucking a missionary. And she thought I was trying to choke her, but I was just feeling for her. Adam's Apple.

Wow, shout out to you. you was a dope lady, so she was very strong, too strong as shit.

She was strong as fuck, dog. did she use any of this strength in the bed with you? She picked me up.

And she put me on like, Whee, I was having a good time, I was really enjoying myself, you know what I mean?

Oh my god.

Oh, I forgot how much I love hosting the show. You weren't even going to mention the fact that she picked you up. Had I not asked that question, what part was it? We were in? Missionary Dog?

I was having so much of a good.

I was like, This is pretty dope dog, strong bitch, pretty cool man. Wait, can I ask? I really have serious questions?

When we say strong, you say bodybuilder. She like yoked. Did she have boobs? or did she have all muscle? No, she had boobs. But have you seen the rock like the rock?

Yeah, I've seen him. A lady, she looked like that, that Jack, she wasn't that big, but you know what I'm saying, she was up there, bro.

She was up there, bro, what's this right here? Traps.

Yeah, they were fake titties. Yeah, the bodybuilders tend to have the fake titties. Could you feel like the peck muscle underneath there? Nah, I was sucking on them bitches, I'll tell you that much.

Absolutely got some muscle milk coming out of there.

Getting that protein for the day. Little baby cam getting big.

24 grams dude.

I love it. So did she spend the night at your hotel? Oh, she got the fuck out of there. She knew what the game was, she knew what the game plan was.

I fought with her, though. Shout out to you, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, did it feel different? No, it was pussy.

It was different, was it tighter, was it muscular? Nah, nah, nah, I don't know pussy.

I don't know pussy, did you go down on her at all? Fuck? no.

Nah, she would've killed me nigga.

So you and David Lucas did Phoenix together? Yeah, we sorted it out, you guys went out black to black.

That's fun. What was that? Stand up Live? Nah, The Tip Improv, another one of the best comedy clubs in the country.

Yeah, that shit was dope. I really enjoyed it. Not better than this. This is the best place in the world. You feel me, man.

It was definitely dope, though it was a good time.

We're going to have fun this week. Philly Yeah, my mama coming. Oh, I love it to Philly.

Yeah, it's her first time seeing me do a theater, so that's going to be dope. Oh, amazing. Does she live in Philly? Nah, nah, she's based out of Philly, so she's going to be there, nice.

That's great, I love it. I always love meeting your family members, there's always a lot of them that come to the shows, yeah.

My dad got 12 brothers and sisters, though, so they live everywhere. Yeah, so he's like, your cousin got a call. I ain't seen a nigga since I was three. You feel me?

You don't know me nigga, but it's cool, I fuck with it. Does your mom have a lot of siblings too? Nah, nah, nah.

She's a flight attendant, huh? Very interesting. Has she always done that? Your whole life? My whole life, yeah.

So she's busy, a lot, gone, interesting. And what's your relationship like with her? Oh, it's just my mama.

We locked in, you feel me right? she a white lady at heart, but we locked in.

That's interesting, that's very interesting. When you say she's a white lady at heart, what exactly do you mean by that talk? Like a white lady? You feel me? Ooh.

Okay, I don't know how this happened with me, but you know.

Talk just like a white lady, but I love it. We locked in. That's my mama, you feel me? hey mama, we on TV.

Aw, how sweet, or, as David Dollar would say, national television bitch.

I love that, that is so cool. So she's going to be there in Philly and then we go to Youngstown and then Cincinnati. Very fun, very exciting stuff.

What else is going on? anything else you have coming up that you want to plug? Oh, shit, I'm doing the Hollywood improv November 28th, that'd be cool.

Hell, yes, that'd be dope.

Awesome, awesome, and the shirts are flying. Wow, that shit look demonic. I left it where it was.

It's just a random pale heckler in the audience, asking Cam if he still has his rock. Everybody there, he is. Shut the fuck up, I'll stone your ass nigga.

Oh, he does have rocks on him.

Where you from, where I'm from.

It weighs you down. Oh, that's terrifying, you don't have to worry about it, I feel like.

Cam.

Do you know how to swim? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I was a kid, my mama used to throw me into the water and let me drown. Oh, she really is a white lady cam, you're a fucking superstar.

I mean, it's unbelievable, the caliber of comedy that you do every week.

Come on.

All right.

Okay, I do believe this guy's been on this show a few times back in the day. He's back. Here's a new minute from Connor Nutt. Everybody, Connor Nutt, here we go.

Make some noise for Connor, everyone.

Last night, that was really impressive. You're the first man to make me have an orgasm from missionary position. And y'all, I gotta be honest, that shit fixed 90 of my mental health issues. Guys, that it's all sunshine and rainbows up here, dude.

Ladies, if your man's going through a hard time, just say that you know, even if you're lying, we're not gonna follow up, you're good.

And then I called my therapist and told him he's fired. He never told me, Shit, half that dope dude. It's just good to have a nice, like, positive hookup. One-night stands are always a bad idea. A few weeks ago, I tried the same thing.

Took home this girl with a raspy voice, thought I'd be all right. No, it felt like I was fucking Stevo from Jackass. All right, that's my time out, thank you guys.

Why? Why did it feel like you were Stevo from Jackass? She had a really raspy voice, like, I kind of....

The joke ends with like, I was trying to be sexy with her, like I was hitting it from behind. I was like, Hey, you like that? And she just turned around and went, Yeah, dude kind of felt like fucking her like that.

All right, that's a.

I guess that's a Stevo impression, all right, Connor? Welcome, welcome to the show.

How are you? I'm good? How are you Tony good? How long you been doing stand-up?

For two and a half years now, two and a half years, all of it here in Austin. Yes, sir.

How's it been going for you? Been going great man? Yeah, what's going on with it? Tell us some highlights.

Let's see I'm hosting for Craig Gass this weekend. I've got sort of my own show this year, been doing that monthly at Roscoe's on the East side at Roscoe's.

Yes, sir, is that a chicken and waffles place? No, it's behind via 313, it's the new club in town.

Okay, another new comedy club? Yes, sir, amazing. okay.

How do you make your money? Connor? I work at a local boot store on South Congress Boot store. Yes, sir, okay.

Is it Allen's? It's down the block? It's called Heritage. Oh, I love Heritage boots. I'm a regular customer there.

Did you know that? Yes, Kimber talks about you? That's right, Kimber's the shit.

It's actually where I got my wallet as well. Look at this custom made, there's a skull and a dollar sign on a coffin, it's red on the inside.

Oh, it's filled with credit cards and cash anyway.

Let's talk about it, Connor, How's Austin treating you? What do you do for fun? I go to a lot of concerts here, okay?

Just saw avenged sevenfold, a lot of metal and rock shows, so I saw avenged sevenfold. oh wow, a lot of avenged sevenfold. Fans that have wet asses, yeah.

The coolest thing I'd say I've gotten from working. I used to work at Vulcan. If you remember, I got to see Kiss there about a year ago. For Formula One. It was a private show, so I got paid to see that amazing.

Tell us something exciting about your life. You have all the energy of a glass of water. We're trying to figure out. I don't know. I go to a lot of fun events.

I just went to the Strohs game in Houston. Yeah, we're getting our ass kicked right now, we're not going to the World Series. Let's talk about this, Connor.

You're talking about a bunch of things that get natural applause breaks from the audience.

Hey, I like breathing oxygen. Anybody else gotta support the troops.

Anybody like Pasta who likes to fuck John Barry? What I'm asking is, what's something personal to you, something interesting about you, Connor?

I can play the guitar. I've spent a lot of my life doing that. You can play the guitar. Yes, sir, really.

Can you really play the guitar? Yes, sir. What do you do when you play the guitar? Do you sing? No, I'm not a very good singer.

Let's say there's a girl that you really liked and there was a guitar plugged in, you would just play the guitar.

And you wouldn't sing? I don't sing very well.

I would never perform, sing, but if it's around for a girl, maybe if this song was in the right key. Are you really good at guitar? I can play some difficult songs. Yes, really.

Matt, What do you think? do you think this guy could play a difficult song?

It can't be less interesting, right? Exactly anything is better than him answering questions in a one-word answer, Yeah.

He's got six strings to deal with here, let's see what happens here. His last name is Nut. Everybody n-u-t-t can't make that up.

It is without a doubt the funniest thing about him.

Here he goes, he has the hair of a guy that can play guitar, he has the build of a guy that can play guitar.

I'm not impressed, you got to do better than that.

Okay, there you go. finger it. it seems like finger it, you faggot. It seems like he was losing a guitar hero.