#636 - RON WHITE + PAULY SHORE

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Hey, this is Red Band coming to you. Live from the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it Up for Tony Hinchcliffe.

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Yippee, make some noise for Red Band, everybody.

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You know, the thing is becoming quite its own monster. And I book it out every single week myself, based on what you guys have seen lately and what's to come. And I love this episode. These are two absolute veterans of the show, and I mean, elder statesmen to the extreme. Two of the lords of comedy, two of the all-time greats make some noise for Ron White and Pauly Shore.

The Weasel Pauly Shore. Oh, yeah.

Come on in Ron White Pauly, come over here.

Pauly Shore.

We told everybody else the rest is history. And the newest resident of Austin, Texas, is Pauly Shore.

We got another one just got engaged to Drew BarryMore last week. BREAKING NewS Drew Barrymore's fiance Pauly Shore He's got his new jam in the Band Show hosted by Pauly Shore on YouTube, and it is a hit.

I just took some fucking ayahuasca, bro, I need a fucking bucket, dude. you have a fucking bucket, bro, we got a bucket right in front of you, man.

Don't worry about these people, keep on the names, keep on the names. Most of them are already covered in vomit.

And the great Ron White is back, ladies and gentlemen, he's back on tour.

Com.

I was just sick of all the travel man after 37 years of doing 120 to 140 cities a year. And I hated that so much. I was letting that bleed into stand-up comedy and I just didn't want to do it anymore. And when I told Joe that, he was like, Fuck you. I'm going to build a club and we're going to do it every night. And it's going to be a blast and you're going to find out how much you love it again.

And so the last nine or ten months I've spent performing for the best audiences in the country, which are my friends right here in Austin, Texas, where I live.

What makes you like this particular event? What makes you like this particular? Oh, okay, you can catch Pauly hosting his new show on YouTube called Jam in the Van. There's a little taste of it right there.

Pauly is the host, everyone. I wish I already knew the answer. I would just say it, what makes the venue the best? Dude? Why do you like this?

The best venue for real?

Well, because of. Well, there's a few things. Number one. There's two rooms, you can say the word what? There's two rooms. There's a small room in the back and there's a green room upstairs, which is kind of a highly restricted hang.

It's the funnest thing in the world to sit in there, and you can come in and do four sets a night if you want to. But the hang there of just the peers and the tribal. Part of it is just throwing around ideas for jokes and talking about the business of stand-up comedy, and also the future and the past of it. And recognizing what's happened before we got here, and also putting tons of work into new guys. Finding those people that have given them a microphone and nobody's done more for that than this young man right here. TONY HINCHCLIFFE Hell yeah, putting the microphone in the hand. And we're doing it tonight and he's right.

Two rooms we got. Mitzi's named after Pauly's mom. Yeah, can I say something? You don't have to ask if you can say something, Pauly? I don't want to disrespect because I'm moving here, bro.

After this performance, they might tell me to spatch and not come back. No, but for real, the reason why I particularly want to move here to Austin? Because as a stand-up comic. It is the only club in America where you can actually create your stuff on stage 110 without thinking anything behind you is going to happen. Because, as you know, this day and age people film shit they put out here for Joe. He created such a beautiful thing for everybody. So I want to come here and just create comedy, and that's what the best part about this place is. Absolutely. In other words, phones are locked up.

You did so much better with that sentence than you did the first one.

You rocked that sentence, man, you did that was the best sentence ever. Yeah, well, it's the venue, the venue's the best venue.

What do you think about that?

Well, luckily you guys have been on this show multiple times. Pauly and Ron and over 200 human souls signed up for the chance to be on this stage tonight. Absolutely anything can happen. Can I say just one more thing, without disrupting, you don't have to ask if you can. It's getting kind of crazy because at this pace, you're going to do this 75 times tonight because you've done it twice in the first four minutes.

No, his show started at My Mom's Club 10 years ago, in the belly room. No one was fucking there, no one was there, no one was around. And he developed it, and it's pretty fucking awesome. So I've known him. When he first came out to the comedy store, where he was answering phones and looking for, like, pennies and shit and dimes, I was looking for pennies.

Just to make ends meet.

You got the cat, The cat is 60 seconds. PAULY Oh, shit, I didn't know. It's a little bit long for him. I thought it was a bull.

All right, a bull sound anyway, so I pull a name out of the bucket. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted, you know, their time is up, and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which just interrupts them. And then I interview them and I ask them questions. And if you guys have anything that you want to input, or any wise sage advice from two of the all-time greats. You guys know how it works, though. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking episode or what?

Here we go and we shall start it with a bang. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to pre-pull the person that will follow. One of our favorite regulars in the history of the show, this guy fresh off of a weekend of sold-out theaters with me. Lots of momentum make some noise for the great and powerful Hans Kim, everybody.

Hey, what's up guys? Sad to hear that the great Matthew Perry died alone in a hot tub. You know, for a guy on a show called Friends, he could have used a couple.

Who knew the opening credits were his cry for help?

I recently ghosted a girl because she was too sunburned. Yeah, she got left on red.

Women are crazy. We all know this. women are always into murder documentaries, they like to watch people losing their life. Men, we're more positive.

We like to watch people creating life.

Thank you.

Hell yeah, thank you, Rona.

Welcome everybody again, Hans. Thank you Tony. That was fun. How do you feel?

I feel great, I had a great weekend with you guys. I, you know, enjoyed our time together. I think William might have a drinking problem, but other than that, it was great. What do you mean?

He likes to drink a lot, and then he pees in little bottles.

And there's like a bathroom right there. He just loves peeing in bottles. Did he pee in a bottle? He tried to wait. What do you mean?

When we were in the car going to Sacramento, when I stopped him, you stopped him. Yeah, no, yeah, I heard that. Yeah, they were way I was in the front and they were way, way, way in the back of the sprinter van.

I heard William say to Hans, Well, what was it exactly he was like? Can I pour some of this in there? Yeah.

It was only like, an hour and a half drive. That's the crazy part, everybody's afraid. A fun fact is that everyone that tours with me is afraid to say that they have to go pee. Because I always say that it slows us up. I'm a real fucking piece of shit on the road.

I'm a nightmare, nightmare to deal with. I don't pee. why are you peeing if I'm not peeing and I'm like, the main guy?

Red Band as well. He's a non-peer. Yeah, I could not pee for like, 12 hours. Exactly. It's the podcast way.

Welcome to the business. Looks like you've not been peeing for six years, you what?

You're saying the red band's filled with piss? Jesus Hans Well, you know, he likes yellow things, whoa?

A reference to his Asian girlfriend? That's right, he's got an Asian girlfriend and he's got a white girlfriend. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. We swap out once in a while, but....

Okay, all right, Jesus Christ.

Hans When you started dating your white girlfriend? was that after you became famous? Yes, of course.

What happened before you were famous? I was sad and lonely. That is true. And who made you famous? Tony Hinchcliffe?

That is correct. Okay, so the left on red thing was a joke. The Matthew Perry friends thing was good, thank you.

Very good. And then what is it? Women watch murder documentaries and men watch porn. Okay, do you still watch porn?

I watch a lot of it, you do. yes, you watch it alone, alone by myself, with my dick in my hand.

Wow, Okay, yeah. What's your favorite type of porn? Probably tickling or spanking or massage? No, but what's your icon when it says search? what do you search for?

I search for Japanese massage shrimp aphrodisiac.

Absolutely, absolutely, I love it. Hans business is a-boomin for Hans Kim.

You have more stuff coming up, right? more dates. I'm in Tacoma next week, which will already be over, but Spokane coming up and then other places. It's on my website. What's your website?

Bobbylee.

Com Jesus Hans.

When we were upstairs, I asked him if he brought his girlfriend to the Warfield Show this weekend. And you said what I said? No, because Tony said what he said.

Not cool dude, but then tacoma, What? tacoma? Yes, what are you asking him? What are you doing?

I ask the questions, you sit back and hit it, what did I say? hit what? hit the button when it goes? meow, meow.

Oh, the bear, right again. Pauly's show, which you guys can be some of the first viewers of. I'm sure. It's the Jam in the Band show hosted by Pauly Shore. You have anything on YouTube you can watch? Why not watch Pauly Again? The Jam in the Band show?

I love you Pauly. I'm just kidding, Don't be sad. No, we're good. It's fucking Monday night where I kill Tony in Motherfucking, Austin, Texas.

We got still a couple tickets left for the stadium show over January 1st. Who's we?

Who is we? Pauly Hans? Anything else you want to say? Any more input? I was talking to my British friend and he kept talking about Peterphiles, They're not that bad Peterphiles.

I was like, Who's Peterphiles? He's like, Oh, it's pedophiles. Oh wow, that's like your left on red joke right there, that's a little....

Wow, what was that? I don't know what's happening. Hans is getting a little fucking corny without these challenges and shit.

Are you ready for Rick Diaz on New Year's eve? Yes, I'm ready for Rick.

Thank you so much Hans Kim, everybody, I'm going to pre-pull your second comedian and your first comedian out of the bucket tonight. You guys probably know how this goes, but we know Hans Kim.

Anything can happen at this part, this is where we find new talent. This is where we find no talent right now. It could be anything, anything can happen.

Make some noise for Tony Siciliano.

Tony Siciliano.

There he is.

Tony Siciliano Hey, what's up Boston? My full name is Anthony Vincent Siciliano, which is just a long way to say. Guido. I'm fully aware that I look like a douchebag, I look like I have a bumper sticker that says beast mode.

And I still talk about my high school baseball stats. I love working out, just not at Planet Fitness. They give away free pizza on Mondays. That's the opposite of what I'm trying to do. That's like if I went to church on Sunday and did a bump of coke with my priest on the way out.

Are you guys aware of all these awareness months? women's health, cancer, all these things. Do you guys know? September is National Childhood Obesity Awareness Month. Me either.

Did the obese children have a say in this? Because as an alumni of childhood obesity, I was aware I was fat every month.

I was trying to fly under the radar, the metaphorical radar, of course. If it was a real radar, they'd be like, What's that fat kid doing under the radar?

That's my time. Thank you guys so much. Tony Siciliano. Welcome to the show, Tony. How are you?

I'm great. How are you doing, man? fantastic? Did that jacket come with your name? yeah?

And the crucifix and Wife Beater? I love it absolutely so. Tony, where do you live? I'm from Florida, visiting Austin.

How long have you been? Yes, the sweet sound of Florida music.

You've signed up every week is what you're saying. Well, except for the weeks we weren't here. But yes, he looks familiar to me, actually, like I've seen him before, yeah.

Where have you seen him? I'll tell you where he was at a Palestine rally in Washington last night. You're fucking a liar, that's not how you speak, you cocksucker.

Yeah, these guys are all coming up with new Italian names now. Exactly three weeks ago he was Muhammad, now he's Tony Siciliano.

Hey, what's up? Hey, speak Tony, I need a good fake Italian name. How about first one, Tony Siciliano?

You think that's too much? No, no, sounds totally normal. My middle name is Vincent, and that's the most stereotypical fucking shit, right? It's like my parents put names in a book and we're just like, Yep, these are the ones, right?

That was awful, that was fucking great. It's like it's short for Guido or something. There we go, all right.

How long have you been doing stand-up comedy, almost three years now, and what do you do for a living in Florida? Air condition repair.

You hate the job. I just started a new job, like a new business. Okay, what was the old job that you're afraid to mention? Software sales? Oh, what a dork.

Okay, what's the new job? I'm selling? Like political shirts for the election coming up? Okay, can you pitch some of the shirts? Yeah, yeah, you are a douche.

Those are terrible. That's called left shirt official, and it's blue shirts with white letters that say left. So I'm just trying to capitalize on this game right now. yeah, capitalize on the game.

Absolutely. Are they selling at all? Nope, I have zero sales so far. It's a dream.

It's doing almost as good as comedy, right?

What's your love life like? Tony Siciliano I have a girlfriend. okay, how long have you been with her? A little over two years?

Okay, what does she do? She's also in the software industry. Oh okay, she takes care of customers after we have them, basically, I sell them, she takes care of them.

Right, yeah.

All right, one cool fact about her She's from Ukraine, actually, she was born there. Okay, why is that a fucking fun fact?

It's been an interesting fact, do you get? It's like a male or women order bride type situation. Yeah, yeah, because I've seen on the internet, you can get Ukrainian women for very cheap. I'm just saying, and they're hot as fuck.

It was a good deal. She moved here when she was nine. actually, she's ten now, but it's fine. Oh, you son of a bitch, look, you snuck one in there.

You snuck one in there. Can I say something about him? say it, baby?

What podcast are you used to doing? Hey, Joe, can I say something like, What are you talking about? fucking say it?

Chinese I think you're likable. Okay, you think I'm likable, called you Chinese, and that you're likable. I look Chinese.

No, I just think you're likable. Oh, thanks. so you have that going for you, so that's good. Thanks Paul. I appreciate it. I like you too.

Alright, easy breezy. Is that a rubber ducky? So, Tony, do you have any special skills or talents?

I'm really good at ordering food for the table at an Italian restaurant. That's something I'm good at. I like to travel a lot, something I'm good at doing. You live with a Ukrainian girl, I do.

Do you have a hard time getting your own space, or does she hold strong and not let you? Do? You have to negotiate? Isn't that like a woman thing? You get like 20 of the center of the bed?

I've been trying to blow my way through that space, but it's not going well. You blew pretty hard tonight, my friend. Is she mad about the Israeli-Palestinian war because it's got first billing now over the Ukrainian-Russian war?

The main event is much more exciting. Ukrainian doesn't have an iron dome or anything like that. They just fucking take the missile straight to the heart, just fucking no defense whatsoever, just Tinfoil up there.

All right, well.

Tony Siciliano I still can't believe how italian your name is. What's your dad's name, Peter?

Peter Siciliano Wow, Angelo middle. Does that help a little bit, okay?

What kind of penis are we working with? Italians are famous for no bad reviews, so here we go. Well, yeah, but a little tiny Ukrainian pussy, I mean, that's like no challenge.

Is it an innie or an outtie?

After I cold plunge, it's an innie, but mostly it's an outtie. Do you have foreskin on it? No, no, it's been circumcised. I didn't know that was innie or outtie, but yeah, no, it's an outtie.

That's a Catholic thing, I think they do that at a church or something as they should.

Thank you dad, thank you Peter.

Peter So when your girl goes down on it, she doesn't have to fold it down, right? Okay, Polly, I don't think you need too many more follow-up questions for the circumcised thing. Is it coming out tonight?

So it's like, let me ask you one more, there's like, extra skin or no extra skin? Are you circumcised, Polly? Do I have to explain this to you?

No, yeah, Polly, they do the whole rabbi suck-off thing with you, right? You guys get the rabbi suck-off. I don't know, I'm not Jewish anymore.

I got.

What's it called? When you get converted, I'm de-converted, yeah.

We told them if you want to move to Texas.

They sewed it back on.

This show doesn't need me.

There he is. I thought you came out and did a solid job. That's got to be nerve-fucking-wracking to walk on this stage in front of this crowd of people. But you did it, you stared them down.

You held the mic in the right spot. You've been doing it three years, so I'd say you're moving along at a pretty decent pace. Not easy to follow. Hans Kim, You're leaving here with a gel blaster and a big kill Tony joke book.

Tony Siciliano Everybody getting the show started.

Here's Micah Brown The Kill Tony debut I do Believe of Micah Brown.

What's up, guys? I know I look like Rasputin and Mr. Rogers had a baby dude.

But, uh, I've been thinking about becoming a vegetarian. I thought of the perfect loophole to become a vegetarian.

Anything can be a vegetable if you hit it in the head hard enough.

Um.

So on my way here, guys, I got mugged by a single father dude.

Nothing is more intimidating.

When a gun's in your face, when the gunman's also holding a baby dude.

You know, for a fact, this guy's not shooting blanks dude.

All right, hell yeah, Micah Brown.

Welcome to the show, Micah. When I first saw you, I'm like, What's up with this rasputin Mr. Rogers guy? And then you said that.

Um, so welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Talk right into the tip of that microphone. You're not on the streets anymore.

So how long have you been doing stand-up? I started in 2018, 2018, okay, so you've been doing it about five years.

Yeah, right, where'd you start at Dallas?

DALLAS And by the looks of things, you were around a barrel fire and you started making your friends laugh. Yeah, pretty much you look unbelievably homeless.

I mean, that specifically like that jacket, it's almost like, and I see it's a Patagonia like. It probably had a little price tag on it and whatnot. But I mean, my God, you ordered like the I stole it, I stole it, you stole it.

From Patagonia. Yeah, you steal a lot.

Are you homeless? Because I kind of focused on the jacket, but I completely missed your face and head. I mean, you have a complete homeless head. The jacket comes in second place to your extremely homeless head. You also have a homeless left arm, it seems.

Oh, it works, okay. It was just the way that it was hanging there. It appeared to be homeless as well. But I think if he in an extreme makeover and cut his hair and put him in a nice suit and tie, I think he'd be beautiful looking.

I clean up, I clean up when I have a girlfriend or something, I clean up. Pauly Shore has an anti-homeless filter in his head. he can see who would be better, not homeless.

Are you homeless? I've slept in my truck and I live with my mom, so almost slept in your truck and you live with your mom. So you pull the truck into the garage, and then how does that work? My mom lives in Mansfield, and so when I'm in Austin....

Is it Charles Manson Field?

Because of what you look like, alright, so what's your mom like? She's wonderful? Is there a lot of dudes coming in and out of there?

Not since I showed up, since who? since I showed up, right? Cockblock McGee over here.

I get that, what kind of truck are you sleeping in? F-150? It's a tahoe. Ooh, okay.

It's like driving around a one-bedroom apartment. yeah, if you sleep in it, yeah, I guess any car is a one-bedroom apartment if you sleep in it. A lot of people on this stage have slept in their car before, that is true, there's nothing wrong with that.

I haven't been one of them. No, that is true. Well, it's not over yet. PAUL IAN I don't know.

God bless you.

The second joke was great. I don't even remember what it was. Yeah, the vegetable one. that was a great joke, the vegetable one.

You should open with that fucking joke.

But just stare them down, you don't need to ask them any questions about themselves. How are you doing? You're going to do that joke anyway, so just walk out, stare them down, do the joke. And five years seems like you'd know that, but....

Thank you.

Right, you'll figure that out. But still, I think that if you just take that little piece of advice and run with it, you'll do fine and have a good time. Thank you so much, great advice.

Get to it, no needless questions, Why don't we give them one more try, just to pretend we didn't see that part? No, no, Paulie.

Let them open with the vegetable joke. I'm going to run the whole thing and then you can do your stuff on the Jam in the Van show on YouTube, everybody.

Hosted by Paulie Shore Where anything Paulie wants to happen can happen. The possibilities are endless. Do you have a pigeon chest? Yes, I do. How'd you know?

Whoa, how did you know that? He just put his hand over his eyes and was like, Do you have a pigeon chest? What kind of crazy talent is that? because I saw that his chest is concave, bro, it goes in.

It's got an inning. You're paying too much attention to me. Yeah, that's weird. You want to see me with my shirt off? yes.

I thought you'd never ask, Well, I mean, we might as well now. Oh my God, oh my God. Okay, we've done this before.

Lay down on your back. I'm going to see how many tries it takes me to make a little joke book inside of your chest. This is a little fun game I like to play. I never get to shoot things inside of people's chests. So, you know, win in Rome.

All right, here we go. Looks like you were shot with a cannonball dude right in the chest, oh.

Woo, Not easy.

Grab that microphone again. You ever get a girl back to your tahoe? Absolutely not really. I could never tell my mom about that.

Because you kind of seem like you could like a drunk girl. It seems like you could probably confuse them into thinking you're hot. Yeah, I have before. You look like you're either extremely poor or extremely rich. It could go either way, depending on where you are. I'll tell you later.

Okey-dokey.

All right, well, you got a little joke book. We're going to keep it moving along. There goes Micah Brown Everybody, the Killtoney debut of Micah Brown.

Da-na-na-na-na, da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na, all right.

We got a lot of bucket pulls to get through tonight, but let's do something special right now. The young man that I'm about to bring to the stage is an absolute fucking monster. Everybody, I mean, started in June, took the show over by storm immediately on his first scheduled appearance on the show, went super viral with his famous. I'm not retarded, but I like rocks.

I present to you one of the great regulars of the history of the show, the great Pam Patterson, everybody.

Y'all believe in soulmates.

I believe in soulmates, man, I believe in it, but what would y'all do if y'all soulmate was ugly?

Cause my soulmate, she got like a great heart nigga. her heart one of the best I ever seen in my life, but her eyes too far apart.

That's true love. I just cheated the whole time.

Amazing, absolutely incredible. love it all the way. beautiful.

You did it again. How's it going? Cam Good man, life is great, you feel me. I can't even ask for nothing better.

I'm just so happy. how happy as shit, man, absolutely rocking the.

Extra comfortable look tonight, sweatpants slides. Come on now we outside, man, same shit every day, we grinding, you feel me, we grinding.

We grinding, Yeah, you get it, white man, talk to me. Oh, hell yeah, look at how white that guy is. He went for the fist bump afterwards and everything.

The old fucking beaver paws over there, look at you, you got excited, you see his nose? Oh yeah, his nose. Why your nose so crooked nigga?

That shit crazy. Hell yeah, I'd imagine he's probably gotten punched in it from seeing how he high-fives. Probably scares some people.

Hell yeah, look at that fucking dork, it's amazing. You know how to spot him? You always have a good white eye.

Oh, he, white as fuck. Yep, that's probably an instinctual thing. You guys are, like, on the lookout for the whiter people, right? yeah.

Your daddy on a boat? for sure? Oh yeah, does your dad own a boat? For sure, he does.

Oh my God, it's unbelievable, unbelievable.

So Cam, you're killing it. Where were you at this weekend? Oh, Chicago, I did Zane's and shit, how'd that go, man? That shit was crazy, bro.

Hannibal Buress came to the show and he did some time after me, so we talked for, like, a little minute. You know what I'm saying? It was crazy, It was dope as fuck, bro. I love it.

Did you tuck your necklace in when you were down there? Oh, nah, nah, nah. I was at the comedy club the whole time, I wasn't going around. No street niggas dog.

They can do what they do. You know what I'm saying? I'm a comedian, I don't do no street shit. I don't stay far away from it. You know what I'm saying? Very good.

I does comedy. Tony. We should do a time lapse of cam every week to see how big his necklace grows. Oh, that bitch, Finna grow now. Hey, can I get money too?

No, this bitch getting bigger, best believe that I'm finna get me a bigger one soon.

I swear to God I am.

Thank you man. What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Two nipples.

Yo Chinese, he just started black.

COM What's up? Oh shit, Pauly want me to strip up here and shit, this is crazy.

I ain't strip for the white man. Pauly, That's fucked up dog we in Texas now, nigga. It's not California, no more man.

A take your shirt off.

You wanna be on.

You wanna be on the jam and the van show.

What's your favorite thing about the venue?

Oh shit, Cam, everything else is good in life. you're a star. Yeah, everything else is good, man. My dad still go with me everywhere we go, you know what I'm saying?

It's cool to be able to do the road with him. You know what I'm saying? You know, my dad like 9 to 7, so it's good to get on the road with him. He what? he not 9 to 7. I just like saying, he old.

He 64, so it's good for him to be like.

But it's cool that he gets to call me and see what's going on. He the only person that believed in it in the beginning. So depending on being on the road every week, it's kind of dope for me. Your dad's cool as hell. I talk to him on the phone once a week.

Having Cam under my wing, it's the first time I've had, like, a.

It's basically like having an elite college athlete, like his dad calls. He's like, alright, so we got this offer for this show. What do you think we should do here? This agent, this manager, this?....

I just get constant.

It's like, I'm part, I'm part of the fathership. Every time he calls you, he goes like, Fuck it, I'm just gonna ask, Tony, fuck you nigga, I'm just gonna call Tony fuck you.

Tony, don't know the fuck going on, bitch, Tony, don't know how to answer. So now that you're famous, you have siblings. I got siblings I already had them before.

I had them before, people knew who I was.

So you have some family members that you didn't get along with before, now that you're famous, now they're on your dick or what? I got a lot of family members that I just didn't know a lot, that always come around now, but that's what happens, you know what I'm saying?

Shit starts popping up. They be like, Hey nigga, let me borrow $30 or something. That's how it starts. It starts with $30, let me get $30,000, bitch.

Smart.

No settling down for a while. Cam. Don't put yourself through that. If your heart tells you that you really like somebody, your heart is wrong. Just keep waiting. You're 24??

24 Yeah, he's beautiful. This is scary.

Another new minute from Cam Patterson.

Tough act to follow. Yeah, the man, the myth, the legend. One more time for Cam Patterson, everybody.

All right, very exciting stuff. Your next bucket poll is on the inside inside this room. If one of you signed up, you have a chance right now.

Make some noise for Evan Leitnacker, Everybody, Evan, Leitnacker, Leitnacker. Perhaps we got Ivan out there.

Ivan is coming.

We having fun out there.

One more time for Evan, everybody.

This is fucking crazy.

So I live in a small town in northern Michigan. And I happen to go to the grocery store like five times a week. I'm always going to the grocery store. I never know what I want to eat, so the other day I was at the grocery store and I was fucking high as shit.

And I'm walking around, I'm like, in the freezer section, and I hear, Evan, please come to customer service.

So I go up to customer service, I go, Hey, what's up? and they're like,....

What's going on? Well, you guys just called me to come up here. And the guy looks down at his name tag and looks up to me and his name tag, says Evan. And I'm just like, Oh, Jesus, fucking Christ. So I was that high.

Thank you, thank you. That's wild, dude. That's a relief. Oh my god.

I'm so glad that's over, man. I got so uncomfortable the whole time that was going on. I felt bad for you and your lack of preparation. This was like your first guess, right? It was a horrible guess that that might be the way to go about doing this.

It was terrifying, I bet it was. I bet it was. it was terrifying. What?

Up here, no. Being at the grocery store and they said, Evan, come to customer service, Evan, do you know that? That's a normal thing? You told a normal story that could happen to anybody on any given day.

If I was at a grocery store and somebody said, Tony, come to the front, I would assume they were talking about Tony Siciliano from earlier tonight. I mean, it's not that big of a deal, it's a very small town. So I just assumed, Oh, well, you know, I know some of the greeters, I know the customer service people.

Evan, Come to the counter, I'm just like, but you didn't know Evan, you didn't know the Evan that worked there, You're correct.

You're correct, it's such a small town. What was the funny part? I don't know, even if all those things are true, what was supposed to be funny?

What made you pick that story? I don't know, I don't know. Okay, I'm freaking out because Ron Wright's right here.

I can't imagine the jokes that you didn't do in lieu of that. One time I was driving and my check engine light came on. I went to the oil change place and they said I needed an oil change. They changed my oil. And the guy's name was Evan.

Wait, what was that? I was going to say? Of course? Then I just said, Yeah, I got to tell you I like you though. thank you, I do.

I like you too. I've liked you since I was, I don't know, probably 12 years old. Oh man, now I feel horrible about all the shit, I said.

And for what I was thinking right now, I grew up with you. I went and saw you with my dad in Kansas City at the Midland Theater. That's bad parenting, yeah.

It was fantastic. Thank you. So Evan, you're in northern Michigan. What made you sign up tonight? what made you want to do this?

So I've been a fan for I've been listening for probably 10 years. We saw you guys in Lawrence, Kansas, gotcha, but what made you want to do the show? I don't know.

What you just did, I'm just such a big fucking fan, right? You're such a big fan. When did you think that you were going to? Did you come to Austin knowing that you were going to sign up?

So my best friend, who is the?

In my wedding, he's right out there. Yeah, his girlfriend got him tickets for us to come to here. Okay, yeah.

Where's the wedding?

In Texas, no, no, no.

Jesus Christ, what are you writing? New bits up here right now? Sorry.

Okay, so my best friend from growing up, he lives in Montana, and his girlfriend got tickets for us to come here for his birthday. Today's his birthday, right?

Okay, did he sign up? Yeah, he did. he did. What's his name?

Spencer, Ryan, Spencer, Ryan, come up here, it's your birthday.

SPENcer Ryan, you stay right there, you son of a bitch. I'm staying right here. Put the mic in the mic stand.

And Pauly doesn't think you're very good looking? Yeah, does he get one of these at least or no? Well, I'll decide when that happens, he gets a half of one.

A half of one bro. All right here, he is making his Kill Tony debut, The Birthday Boy, 60 seconds uninterrupted. Let's see what he prepared here tonight.

One more time for what's his name? again? Evan Spencer?

Spencer everybody, they dress exactly the fucking same dude all right here. he is everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Spencer, everybody.

Here we go.

So I was looking at a recipe for traditional German coleslaw the other day.

It had bacon in it, and I thought, Damn, that's an interesting way to tell the Jews they're not welcome at your barbecue.

Like, Oh, maybe you'd feel more comfortable at another barbecue.

Maybe in Hollywood or New York, far from here. Please leave.

That's what I came up with, 57 seconds.

We see who wears the funny pants in this friendship. Oh my goodness.

Wow, absolutely incredible. So Spencer, welcome to the show. Talk right into the tip of that microphone. How's it going?

Pretty nervous. Dream come true. That was your first time on stage, too, and it went really well for you. I like to think so, yeah.

You fucking murdered, dude, you came up there and fucking murdered after your friend drank a cup of his own warm sperm up here.

Yeah, it's absolutely incredible. I knew it was going to go that way. Oh, you did what? are you a fucking psychic?

Well, then you should have known that your 60 seconds was going to go that way too, and written something different. So Spencer, what do you do for a living? I'm a brewer and a volunteer firefighter. Hell yeah, look at you, an American hero, everybody.

Is that where you found your friend? Did someone say that a pussy was stuck in a tree?

No, we've been friends forever. No, we do a lot of stuff, car wrecks and house fires and all that kind of stuff. You know that a lot of the firefighters are going to Israel right now. Did you know that?

Pass on that. I don't know if you heard his material, but I don't think he's going to fight for Israel.

He said, Pass before I even fucking said the word Israel. Wow, I don't think I'm fucking moving to Austin. Fuck this place, going back to California where it canters and shit.

These guys are from Michigan, so you're getting married? No, I was his best man at his wedding. Oh yeah, fucking Evan can't explain anything.

You look like a couple, kind of, don't they? A little bit? I live in Montana now. This was a trip to meet each other somewhere other than where we live. Shut up, Evan.

I'm over you, I'm talking to Spencer now, Spencer's the guy out of the two of you.

So Spencer, here you are. How long have you been in Austin? four days? and how much longer do you have here? We're leaving tomorrow morning.

Okay, leaving tomorrow morning. So this was it. This was your big kill Tony trip here. You guys both are on the stage and you guys came together just the two of you.

Our girlfriends are here. Did your girlfriends sign up? No, oh, Evan corrected him to say, Wife and girlfriend, everybody, you don't want to get in trouble.

What a pussy you are, dude. It is unbelievable, it is just incredible. What do you think his chest looks like underneath all that poly?

What's going on in Montana, bro? Yeah, good question. Yeah, what's going on? It's cold and snowy. It's the same thing as Austin, getting a lot of people just moving in.

From California? Yeah, Washington, California. There's no comedy clubs in Montana. I tried to book myself up there, no, but there's a couple open mics, but I've never even thought about going to one.

Have you ever been to Montana? Yeah, it's a state. Well, Montana has, what's the biggest city there?

Billings, billings, and Bozeman now is having a scene. Yeah, are there any Black people there? Not many. No.

Oh, dude, not cool. Every time I've ever visited there. Uh-oh. Here comes the senior hilarious correspondent stepping in. He's got something for the Black people in Montana reference, and here we go.

Every time I've been to Montana, I got to tell you.

Well, they ain't in the grocery stores I go to.

Whoa?

My goodness, I got to tell you about the Black people in Montana, am I right? There are none.

Oh, here he goes. This is why I was shaking when I came up here, because I knew this was going to happen. All right, okay, very good, but no. The first time I visited in Montana, we were walking down in front of this brewery, and there was a black gentleman walking across the street. And Spencer went, Ooh, a unicorn, whoa, dude.

I didn't make that up. It was a lot funnier when Spencer did it, though. I guarantee you that we got to bring Cam out here. He's got to represent, bro. No, no, no, no, no.

I don't want cam near these guys, they'll fucking...

Oh shit, there's one.

All right, these are some white motherfuckers, they really are. We like you, Evan, this is for you and Spencer....

Oh, you suck, dude. No, no, Pauly, he's not allowed up here. No, you don't do anything, you don't do anything.

That's an easy way to remember, thank you, enjoy yourself.

There they go, Spencer and Evan, everybody, the Bill and Ted for Hillbillies, the J and should-be-silent Bob, there they go.

The Kiltoni debut of K-Juan Moses, Everybody here he is, make some noise for K-Juan, everybody.

White people, how y'all doing doing all right? Goddamn, Pauly just got pulled over. He's bright as fuck up here, let's get right to it.

Who's in a relationship? Yes, it's a great crowd, but you can still hear suicide in that clap. I just want to give y'all some advice. I ain't got a lot of time specifically for the fellas.

Constantly work on improving yourself Make sure you're focused on being better than who you were yesterday. Specifically, with your oral sex abilities, make sure you're constantly improving your pussy-pleasing performance. Because these lesbians, they're coming for your job.

They're coming for your job like a thief in the night. They have the work ethic of an illegal Mexican.

They'll do it. Twice as good for half the pay is what I'm trying to tell you. Make sure you're putting your back into this shit. I don't care how good you think you're doing it. It is a stud who drives a Ford F-150 who's looking to take your position. You know what I'm saying?

I'm not trying to rag on the lesbians. keep your friends close, enemies closer, is what I'm trying to tell you, these lesbians. They have distinct advantage, they can put their dicks on the charger. You know what I'm saying?

We in Tesla, we in Austin, they can charge their dick like a Tesla. They have distinct advantage, so make sure you're doing what you're supposed to do. And I'll say my name is Kiwan Moses.

Thank y'all so much Kiwan Moses. ladies and gentlemen. fucking great. loved it. thank you.

The pat was a little quiet there, so you got to go long. That's fun. Kiwan. Welcome to the show, your first time on, Correct? Yes, sir.

Popping my cherry I'm sorry. Yes, sir. Absolutely. I always considered you like the white Bernie Mac, by the way.

Okay, that's a big compliment. Ron White's a bad motherfucker. Ron White, what did you consider me?

Tony Go ask the questions. We're good dude. I'm going to wait. I'm going to wait for an answer. He's the white soldier boy.

Oh, shit.

Thank you, shut up, he's wearing khakis. shut up, I'm safe.

I'm safe. Whites, have you ever been to Montana? There's a good question, that's a really good question, no, but I do advise people to go there because they say the AIDS ratio are really low out there.

Go out there and just raw dog in Helena, Montana, there you go. Absolutely, it's the opposite of Atlanta, Kiwan. Where do you live?

I live here. How long have you lived here since? Memorial Day of this past year? Memorial Day? Shout out to the troops.

What do you do for a living? I'm an underwriter, credit analyst. During the day, I was going to say, enterprise rental cars, I really was.

That's the whitest outfit I've ever seen anybody wear. I got to make her feel comfortable. That's what I thought you were trying to do. You don't have to try that fucking hard, dude, you know what I'm saying?

Hell yeah, Kiwan Moses, talking about pleasing women with oral sex. Do you have any tricks in your oral sex game? Yes to, kind of like, loop your tongue, oh shit.

Wait a second, can we get a spotlight and some sexual music here? Let's go, Mama, we made it.

Loop your tongue, loop your tongue and suck it, saliva, suck it and keep rotating, keep rotating. And if her legs start to convulse like she's crushing your head, that means you're doing it right.

Wow, very good. Very rarely do I get a scientific answer. That is very good. I didn't know.

Black guys ate pussy.

I'm trying to make a change. I started high school when Obama first was elected, so I'm all about.

Holy shit.

Killing it, you swim.

Answers Do you swim? or what? Talk to me, motherfucker, I don't swim well.

He answered I swim through DMS, swim through money. I don't swim that well in water, but I have a life jacket, I do pretty good at that.

What do you do for fun? Eat pussy Is there a specific kind of pussy that you like white latina?

Clean, ah, good answer.

And eating pussy and stand-up comedy, but there is only one pussy I eat. Shout out my baby, I love you. Oh wow. How long have you been with her?

About a year now, I'm with a Latina, so we need to hurry this up.

I'm just playing, Can I have Keno? Give me the spotlight? because I want to show you how I eat pussy. Okay, absolutely.

Let's do it. Here he is, he feels challenged. I've ate enough fucking, hey, listen.

Stop fucking playing the drums for a second, let me say something, stop fucking around yo. I don't know if you ever heard of the actor Leonardo DiCaprio. Can I give it up for Leonardo DiCaprio? please?

And I'm not kidding. He said this to me once we were at a club and he looked over at me and he says to me, What are you doing here?

Who said that Chinese? who said that, Motherfuckers, I'll throw a microphone at someone's fucking head like it's limp Bizkit in 1999? I don't give a fuck.

Listen, he looked at me and he said, Who are you?

Is this a make-a-wish?

What are you dying for? Chinese? Listen, if they had their fucking phones, they could Google. Pauly Shore teaches Leonardo DiCaprio how to eat pussy. And then they'll tell you to fuck off, because you'll see that on the internet. Let me finish my sentence.

He says to me, Leonardo says to me. He goes, Dude, you look like you eat pussy really good. I'm just saying that there's no joke. I said, Why do you say that? he goes? It just seems like you do, and I'll tell you how I do it.

That's a way of saying that he thinks. You have a small penis, so you go like this, like this.

Pauly Shore Ladies and gentlemen, Oh my goodness, you taught Gilbert Grape....

You taught Gilbert Grape how to eat pussy? No, he just said, he looks. I look like I know how to eat pussy, that's all, he said.

I know, I know, I know I'm just doing a joke, Pauly. It's a thing that we do on comedy, that's all, he said. The whole night you look like you know how to eat pussy.

When you go home, google it and you'll see it and then tweet at Tony and say he's right and show him a screenshot of it. And then I remember the next thing Leonardo DiCaprio said, was security.

I love it so Kiwan, where did you meet your lovely latina at Facebook dating? Wow, okay.

And then their first date, what was that like? What are the plans? First date was the living room, straight to the living room.

I don't have time, life is short. Wow, your living room or hers my living room?

Okay, so there's no kids around, that's good, no children, right? So she goes to your living room and what happens?

I ask for a hug. Next thing I know ass was being thrown. Wow, Okay, my beard connects.

What can I say? Wow, incredible, absolutely amazing. I'm sorry, babe.

It's real she's watching this. Why are you not fucking right now, though? What are you doing right now? She's on her period.

Go make a mess. I'm sorry I got things to do. My last name is Moses. I've been parting Red Seas all my life.

Oh, shit.

But we're committed now. I ain't got to put up with that shit no more, right, right? I don't have to prove that I love her. Yeah, you don't want to deal with that Cholula coming out of her unit.

Yeah, it is what it is. Plus, she like to catch up with your carpet, right bro? There you go. Much lighter reference than my Cholula one.

More of an americanized pussy pussy. I just had to treat him like how I do her in-laws. When they speak to me in Spanish, they'll be like, Si, si, yeah, I got you, I got you.

All right, Kiwan, a very fun set. Your kill Tony debut. you're very cool. Come back, sign up again.

Thank you Kiwan Moses, everybody, thank you so much.

All right.

Okay, this is a very, very exciting moment in the history of the show, ladies and gentlemen, the young man that you're about to see. This is his first ever scheduled appearance on the show after winning a golden ticket two weeks ago. I do believe that this is one of the most promising figures that we've ever found out of the bucket in the history of this show. And you are here for his first scheduled appearance.

An absolute fucking sensation. I'm excited to see his second ever appearance on the show. Make some noise for Heath Cornish, everybody.

The make-a-wish has arrived.

Guys, I just moved to Austin very excited about it, but there are a couple times I've gotten confused here. Like one time, I was walking down 6th Street and there was this guy on his phone talking to an Instagram live and he saw me. And he goes yo.

Look at that vaping baby.

And he goes, Hey little baby, blow some clouds.

So I blew some clouds, I entertained the man.

And then he saw my tattoos and he wanted me to show those off. So I showed him this one right here, and I showed him this one, and then I showed him my penis in the alley.

He tricked me.

I ran into this other guy walking across 7th, broke his legs with my car.

Thank you guys. Fuck yes.

You've been on the show only once before your episode aired a week ago, and we've seen a crazy amount of growth. How has your life changed in the past week? It's been very exciting. I'm addicted to my phone now.

Other than that, I'm cool, I'm friends with a lot of cool people now, that's fun.

Everyone from high school is very jealous.

Finally, yeah, finally, finally, they're all jealous of you, yeah.

Hell yeah, and finally, they're looking up to you. Exactly that's what it was all about. Fuck those guys.