#653 - JOE LIST

Hey y'all, the LA Forum is right around the corner and, contrary to a lot of people's rumors, there are still tickets available for that. The YouTube Theater, two days later, has sold out. Also, there's still a few tickets available for night one at Madison Square Garden, the two-night super mega event, the biggest in Kill Tony's history. Travel. Go there.

We'll see you there. And I am on tour with Stand Up Comedy. Me and some of your favorite cronies from the show do our own stand-up sets. I'm going to be in Cleveland, Ohio, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Boston, Massachusetts, Baltimore, Maryland, Salt Lake City, San Jose, Dallas, Houston, Texas, St. Louis, Missouri, Nashville, Tennessee, Fort Lauderdale, and Orlando.

And then that is all of the stand-up on the road I am doing until 2025. I'll be releasing that special just after May. We'll see you guys on the road. Nothing but love. Here is another episode of Kill Tony.

We're live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas,

It's Redband, everybody!

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You guys all ready to start tonight's episode, or what?

Every single week, I present one of the funniest comedians in the world to be on this show. I'm excited about this one. You know, when it's somebody's first time on this show, I always have them with other people, kind of get them acclimated to the flow of everything. This is one of the funniest and smartest and coolest stand-up comedians out of New York. Amazing stuff coming from him, specials out, a bunch of great stuff.

You guys are going to absolutely love him. His first time rolling solo on Kill Tony. Make some noise for the great and powerful Joe List, everybody!

Yeah! You can do better than that. Make some fucking noise for Joe List. There you go.

Yeah! Fuck, yeah! The horn players are fucking on one tonight. I love that shit. Fill in the room.

Joe List, how we doing? I'm doing great. I've actually been on the show before. No, I know, but you were on with Sugar, Sean O'Malley. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, okay. Sorry. Yeah, I was saying when I have people on for their first time, I have them on with other people to acclimate them so that they understand the flow of everything, and now you're here. I misunderstood. I thought you forgot about me.

I almost killed myself back there. I told the guy, I'm like, I'm not going out. He forgot about me. I sucked. I blew it.

Joe, tell us what you got going on. What do you want people to go see? Where is it at? Big show, May 2nd, Los Angeles, Regent Theater. Fly in, come out, go see it.

I'm up against Burr, that crazy show. Bill Burr, Maniscalco, Nate Bargassi. They're all at Hollywood Bowl at the same time, and my show's on Skid Row, so I'm a little nervous. On May 2nd. I might bring in homeless people if no one comes, so please.

Unbelievable. You're also one week before we do a fucking arena in Los Angeles. The LA Forum, May 10th. A little fun fact for you. The return to Los Angeles, where it all started.

Very exciting. We're going to your hometown, beautiful Madison Square Garden, doing two nights, August 9th and 10th. Fuck yeah, that's a nice room. I've done it before. I opened for somebody.

I didn't sell it out, obviously. It's fun. It's a good room. Legendary. Khamen Ali played there.

That is true. And Rowdy Roddy Piper. Yes. They fought each other. They actually did.

And actually, no, that was a separate thing, but they did. They did something. It wasn't at MSG. I think that was in the Philippines or the Forum, or something. It doesn't matter.

Who gives a fuck? Point is, you know how the show works, Joe. You guys know how the show works? Over 200 people signed up to be in this bucket. We'll let that one be the first bucket pull, since fucking the wind blew it out.

We're going to go grab them from a bar across the street. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know the time's up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

And then that means they have to wrap it up immediately after. that. Doesn't really apply for our regulars. We kind of let them do whatever they kind of want. And the rest is history.

You guys ready to start tonight's show?

Well, you guys are in for a very, very, very, very, very special treat. Last week, we announced that Hans Kim, who's opened shows for almost three years continuously for us, is taking a hiatus until May when he battles Rick Diaz in the rematch at the LA Forum for regularship. Since Rick Diaz didn't have to write and perform a new minute every week until then, we found it unfair that Hans Kim would have to. So last week, we announced a brand new regular for the first time since Cam Patterson, a new regular who's going to start every show from now on. And this is his first scheduled opening of the show.

Are you guys excited? Make some noise for the present and the future. It's the one and only Casey Rocket.

Thank you.

Terry, Terry Bradshaw. Oh,

yeah. Is this your hero? Pass that around. We're having fun. All right.

Sorry, I'm late, guys. I drank a bottle of Robitussin last night and I got stuck in Jumanji again, so it hasn't been the best summer. Ain't no fuss when you're on the tuss. All right.

Folks, researchers say there's two types of people in this world. Sure, I know what you're thinking. Yeah, the researchers. But what do they say?

They say, there's two types of people in this world, the men who go to war and the women who love them.

And if you ask me, ladies and gentlemen, there's three types of people in this world, the men who go to war, the women, oh, fuck, who love them, and the third type of person, the type of guy who likes to cool down at night with a nice, warm glass of tuss.

Wow.

Making it look extremely easy, getting the show started, a brand new minute from the great and powerful Casey Rocket, with a special Terry Bradshaw tuss remix of a set here. Yeah, there was a long pause at the beginning and I was like, do I go through with the Terry Bradshaw? Because I wasn't sure if it was a pro Bradshaw room. Turns out it most definitely was. It definitely was.

It's super topical, coming fresh off of the Super Bowl last night. People are thinking about Terry Bradshaw. He's fresh on the mind and you nailed it. Who could blame him? It's Bradshaw on the brain.

Yep, that type of ear. His photo is still getting passed around the room right now, by the way. I just saw it. It is. It's being passed around.

No one's selfishly holding on to it. It is being spread like absolute wildfire. A goddamn sensation, Casey Rocket, has arrived. Joe List, have you seen Casey before? I have.

Casey's. the first comic I saw at Mothership. I thought I was going to see Joe Rogan, Tom Segura, and this fucking lunatic came out. I was like, oh, this is different. My favorite thing is watching the people that did not get it.

That was really enjoyable. These two are just baffled by this. They're like, I hope this isn't all night. It was really fun. I'm a fan.

It is amazing. He has this thing where, if you don't know him, it's kind of interesting. And then, once you see him the second time, you're like, okay. And then it just increases from there over and over and over again. The more you understand that this is actually how this man operates on stage, the funnier it gets.

The longer sets are some of my favorites, because you could actually watch him lose weight during the actual set. And just to let people know, he is being heavily restricted here. I mean, he has drums directly behind him, a cliff to the right, a table to the left. But when this guy, when there's not a bunch of shit on this stage, he uses the entire stage, the backstage, the two wings. I mean, he goes absolutely everywhere.

Famous for having a bunch of stuff on him, including random printups of pieces of paper. Casey, where do you get these printed at?

Yeah, I go to Walgreens.

Okay, pointless sound effect, everybody.

Big Walgreens crowd. Yeah, I go to hear that Walgreens pop every time. Yeah, I go to Walgreens, and I had to kind of explain to them what was happening. My picture budget is through the fucking roof.

So, honestly, yeah, 50, 60 bucks a week. They're only like a dollar each. Amazing, and you do, you go through all of these things, Joe? I feel like this is a big show. With time, you may be able to afford a printer.

Those inkjets are expensive. They add up, but I'll tell you what, Casey, I actually dug into this information a little bit, and my great producer, Yoni, found out that you get them printed at Walgreens, and we went ahead and spent $200 on a Walgreens gift card. So this will get you through a couple weeks, I do believe, of print-ups. That's right. Welcome to the Kill Tony universe, my friend.

That's a real Walgreens gift card. He's getting emotional. For those of you just listening to the podcast, there's a tear in his eye. We've never seen him get this real before. This emotional music playing is happening in the moment.

Everybody's feeling it up here. The horn players are also crying a little bit. Their eyes are filled with water. For those of you just listening to the podcast, if you're watching, close your eyes and let me describe to you what's happening. Deep Madness is actually crying, which is unprecedented, because I don't believe he has tear ducts.

I'm going to get electrocuted! Something's flowing out of there. Perhaps there's a leaky sealing or something like that. The room has gone emotional. There's a woman delivering a baby in the audience right now.

She's gone into labor. The Walgreens gift card was just too overwhelming. Casey, how do you feel? How do you feel, Casey? $200 in Walgreens gift cards.

You know, when I was a kid.

my dad said, "'Titty Boy LaCroix, what do you.

" He would call me Lil' Tibbs.

But he loved me in his own way. He said, "'What do you want when you grow up?' And I said, "'$200 to Walgreens.'" And he stopped me and he said, "'What do you want it for?'

And I said, "'I want to print out pictures of Terry Bradshaw.

"'And I want to print out pictures "'not just of Terry Bradshaw, but.

Casey, that should get you through a couple weeks of printing pictures, $200 from the fine people over at Walgreens. You could not be more excited that you're part of the squad here, your first scheduled spot opening an episode of Kill Tony, what we're excited about next week and every week moving forward. It's an honor, guys, so fun. This is really, really cool. Thank you.

Make some noise for the great and powerful Casey Rockett!

Holy shit! And like that, it has begun, a partnership... at one point considered unfathomable, a union like this. But the Rockett has joined. Kill Tony.

We found him out of the bucket, the same fucking bucket that we found Cam. out of, that we found David Lucas. out of, that we found Hans, William, everybody. So any one of these bucket pools could be the future of the show, or it could be a completely mentally ill person who is threatening and dangerous to the core. Anything can happen.

60 seconds uninterrupted to your first bucket pool. Nico, Casablancas, everybody. We're going to meet them all together.

How we doing, mothership?

I don't know if you know that when she actually got announced, Biden had actually signed an executive order to change the national anthem to a single mom who works two jobs, who loves her kids and never stops. Apparently she didn't get the fucking message either.

Happy birthday to the Baja Blast. Any Baja Blast lovers in the crowd right now, give it up. Yo, 20 years old. 20 years old with Baja Blast. Nothing I love more than Baja Blast than fucking 20-year-olds.

That's what me and fucking Leonardo DiCaprio have in common. That and sending the N-word to Jamie Foxx. That's my time. I'm Nico Casablancas. Thank you, guys.

Boo.

I knew the second he said following KC Rocket, oh boy, what a predicament.

You could have gone up after anything and that would have happened. Absolutely anything. Dude, I love KC Rocket. No one asked you. We know.

We love KC Rocket. And that's why he's on the show regularly and that's why this is your one time ever, probably ever in the history. You spent most of your time saying give it up for things. We got. Reba, McEntire was about 10 seconds of your set.

And then one guy, one guy, and God only knows what drugs this man is on. But one guy in the very middle of the room loved it. It was complete silence, other than one guy deep right there in the darkness. I have it kind of spotted, but it's a very dark patch right there. And then you spent the next 15 seconds making noise for Baja Blast.

Give it up for Baja Blast. So, between Reba and Baja Blast, the audience made about 25 seconds worth of noise for those two things combined, in which then you segued into It's 20.. It's 20 years old. You said that you like fucking 20 year olds, which has nothing to do with Baja Blast. It's 20 years old.

I fucked a Baja Blast yesterday. You fucked a Baja Blast. Yeah, I put it on my... Well, I didn't put that part on my TikTok, but... Oh my God.

And then what was the final thing? You almost said something compelling. You say the N-word to what? Jamie Foxx. Me and Leonardo DiCaprio have that in common.

We like saying the N-word to Jamie Foxx. Django Unchained. joke. Right. No better time than...

Django Unchained came out about half a Baja Blast ago.

I mean, not quite that in the universe, but I guess it's kind of a reach. Show list. What do you think about this fat magician?

Well, like I said, my favorite part of Casey is all the people that didn't get it, and way more people didn't get you, so that was fun. Yeah. If you like people not getting it, this is basically Dave Chappelle right here. I mean, he is the reverse. Absolutely, people just absolutely awestruck at what you prepared.

How long have you been doing stand-up? A little under two years. Wow, really? You work hard at it? You do like a few spots a week or something?

Are you really lazy? You have a terrible work ethic? I've been doing it consistently every week, at least four mics a week for the past six months. Okay. So you really started going hard six months ago.

How's it going for you out there? Is that your best minute? No, I actually just made both of those jokes up today. Okay. Why don't you tell us the best joke that you've come up with in two years?

I don't know why.

. God, why in the world, you would go on a show where millions of people are going to eventually watch it and go, I came up with this on my bird scooter on the way here. I thought it was good. I don't know what to tell you. You thought wrong, but now I want to know in all of your time, four mics a week for six months and a year and a half of procrastinating before that, I want to know what your very best quick joke is.

Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, with his very best, a name. you will easily forget. It's Nico Casablancas.

So my mom told me that I should not pursue my dream of doing comedy. And I was like, how would I listen to a fucking woman that married the first dick that she sucked? You know what I mean? Like fucking...

Your mom sounds wise beyond her years, frankly.

Sounds like a brilliant woman to me. What do you do for work, Nico? How do you make a living? What kind of weed do you deliver?

I am a consultant at an accounting company. What kind of consulting are you doing at a comedy company? Are you making things less funny?

Yeah, because I'm charging them more money. Tell us what you do at the fucking thing. I just upsell people to bigger plans to make sure that they get all the shit that we're doing. It's software as a service sales. What does that have to do with comedy?

I didn't say comedy. You said you're a consultant at a what? At an accounting company. Oh wow, I totally misheard that. That's incredible.

Sometimes people don't understand. I think you're just so desperate to hear comedy right now.

Yeah, absolutely. It is true. But now that he mentions accounting, you do comedy like an accounting consultant. Thank you. What do you do for fun?

You seem like your face has a little wear and tear. Are you a heavy drinker? Yeah, I DJ. I've been going to music festivals. I've been to 77 festivals.

I've been doing that since 2009.

. What's your DJ name? Solstice. There you go. You got a laugh there.

That's a bigger laugh than your best joke and your full minute tonight. Solstice. So you're a gay DJ.

Even though we're both from Ohio, no. Solstice. Ready? Yeah, I hope you like this song. I'm playing it for the next three hours, everybody.

Why Solstice?

Equinox was like just too much. You were going to go with Equinox? I wanted something that embraced the themes of two different opposing things. I thought summer and winter would be good. I wanted to get deep in it because I have a passion for music.

What about funny and you? Something like...

Holy shit, bro. What are some of the songs that you play? What do you do? You have your own music?

No, nothing up right now. So you just play other people's music? Yes. Okay. What's the most magical night?

you've had? 77 festivals, a lot under your belt, a lot slightly above your belt as well. Your mother is correct. You are getting fat and you shouldn't do comedy.

What's the most amazing time? 77 music festivals. Probably the first time I did the best acid that I'd ever had, and it was at Electric Forest.

I felt like I was in touch with the trees and the molecules were coming in my body and stuff like that. I felt like I was really... I feel bad for the trees on that one. God, this guy is one of us. Would have been funnier to actually pull a tree out of a bucket tonight and have it perform.

Nico, congratulations. You're leaving here with a very small joke book via the great Bones Eye. Real handmade Texas leather. There goes, Nico. Not much to him, folks.

That's what happens. This ain't easy. Comedy's not easy. Only about fucking. a small percentage of people are funny.

Make some noise for your next bucket. pull. Brendan Higgins, everybody. Here we go. Anything can happen.

You said give it up for Brendan Higgins, gang.

I'm a Mets fan, as you can probably tell. When I bought this hat, I thought I was going to be a backwards hat guy. A lot of my heroes are backwards hat guys. Mike Piazza, Bob Bonney, Turtle from Entourage. I realize it's a very specific kind of white boy who can pull off the backwards hat.

Forwards, I look relatively stable. Maybe I get a girlfriend. Maybe I'm married. Maybe I have kids. Maybe they love me.

It's all on the table. Hat goes backwards. My ass is divorced. No custody. Kids are asking to use their mom's last name.

It's looking ugly. I feel like I look backwards, like I'm trying to command respect. that's just not getting commanded. I look like a bouncer who gets his ass beat every night. Free cover at my bar.

Just bring two knuckle sandwiches. I look like a youth pastor who got fired for offering to buy the kids cigarettes. They didn't even take me up on it. They were waiting for my ass to slip. It was ugly.

I look like I always have a cracked iPhone screen. Even when I get a new iPhone, they don't give it to me. They throw it down a flight of stairs and tell me to go, get it. The one thing everybody tells me over and over with the backwards hat. There you go.

You did it. You went beyond your time. Brendan Higgins, everybody. Let's talk, Brendan.

Hi, Brendan. There you go. You thought that was it, huh? I did think I was sneaking out of here, yeah. Yeah.

No.

No, Brendan. It's not going to be that easy tonight. How are you feeling? How does that feel right now? God, I got to tell you, I feel fat.

I had so much barbecue today, I didn't think I was going to get on stage. That's what did it. It was today's barbecue that made you like that. It was an incredible amount of food you must have consumed. I was at 32 until noon.

You go right ahead. There you go. Brendan Higgins, how long have you been doing stand-up? I started in college in 2014,, but not every day. Right.

How long have you been taking it seriously? or have you not? God, I hope to start taking it seriously soon. I guess maybe today is the start of it. Do you go up every once in a great while?

No. I live in New York. I host my own show. I'm trying to get in with the clubs, but it's a racket. Is it a racket or is it quality-based content?

It's a little bit of X, a little bit of Y. I've never heard anyone say that the New York scene is a racket before. It seems like, if you're funny, you're going to get spots. Really? No, I don't find that.

You go ahead. No, I want to hear it. We have a veteran New York comedian. I'm not the expert here. Brendan, let me help you, by the way, because this is a podcast.

If someone's talking, you have to wait till that person's done talking. Now, with that said, I want to hear what Joe List has to say about the New York scene being a racket. How long have you been doing stand-up in New York? 17 years. No, it's a real racket.

You've got to really.

. Give it up for Joe List, everybody. Thank you. Brendan, he's still talking. You fucking retard.

You have to do well to get paid spots. It's a little fucked up. Yep, there's your racket. You've got to write and then do the stuff and have it, get laughs every night and then you get spots in exchange for money. It's fucked up.

It's a total.

. It's a real fucking pyramid scheme. It's a rigged deck. What do you do for actual work? Tech sales.

Indeed, you do look like you would be an accounting consultant.

What do you do for fun, Brendan? You seem like you have some deep, dark secrets. I go to a lot of concerts. I don't know, rap and emo music mostly. You use a VPN?

Yeah, yeah. You do, don't you? When need be, yeah, I guess. Yeah, when need be, what do you do? When you use your VPN, what do you do?

Nothing that cool, like watching TV shows from other countries, you know? There's a Wong Kar-wai TV show coming out of China right now. I'm trying to get my hands on. There's a what? It doesn't matter.

You're a great interview.

ExpressVPN.

com slash Kill Tony is the best VPN, just to let you know. Yeah. Goddamn, right. Yep, and if you use it right now, you get three extra months of ExpressVPN absolutely free. I'm sorry, when I'm selling my soul, sometimes phlegm comes out of my throat.

I feel a little guilt that comes over me. Tell us a dirty little secret about you. What would surprise us about you, Brendan? What would surprise? I was a diver in college, believe it or not.

Wow, diving into what, birthday cakes? No, yeah.

They used to call me the Jackie Robinson of diving. I was doing it for all the kids who wore their shirts in the pool. Those were my people. You were the what? The Jackie Robinson of diving.

Why would you be the Jackie Robinson of diving? I was doing it for the kids who wore their shirts in the pool. I was risking breaking the boards every day, you know? I was getting into demographics. Do you think black people would find that interesting, that you consider yourself the Jackie Robinson of something?

My coach was black and he told me this. Oh, there you go again. Brendan, you're absolutely terrible and you don't listen while on a show. Here you go, here's a little joke book. You fucking suck.

You suck. There you go. Put the mic in the mic stand. You're done. You're un-interviewable.

I tried to help you. I literally coached you through it. It said stop talking when other people are talking. It's impossible. You guys having fun out there?

Here we go. Let's see what happens next. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Eric Jordan, everybody. Eric Jordan. Here we go.

60 seconds from Eric Jordan.

Hey. I just moved here from California. Please don't key my car, though. I'm not woke. None of that bullshit, I promise.

I moved here because the governor there is fucking a terrible person and he doesn't stand for anything. So I moved to Texas because the governor does stand for something. He just can't fucking physically stand. That's the sad part. But anyway.

So at my job about a year and a half ago, I almost got fired for giving a kid a haircut in class. Because I'm a teacher. Apparently it's illegal to groom a child. I had no idea. So that was news to me.

So since I moved to Texas, I've been taking like three shits a day. I have no idea why. I guess it's P. Terry's. I don't know.

Because there's no P. Terry's in California. So that might be it. Every time I take a shit, I know it's pretty graphic. every time I take a shit, it's just explosive.

It's explosive. It looks like July 5th on Cesar Chavez Boulevard or MLK.

That's it.

When you're not laughing at a I shit so much joke, you know there's no effort behind it whatsoever. My goodness. Are you really a teacher? Yeah, I am. What do you teach?

It's actually an engineering class at a vocational school. 9th grade. How old are you? I'll be 41 in April. When did you start stand up comedy?

It's my first time. There you go. Thank god for that. You popped my comedic cherry. I made sure that you popped my comedic cherry.

Okay. Alright. There we go. Absolutely. Starting on.

Kill Tony is a tricky, tricky thing. So when you say popped your cherry, what do you think is going to happen now? Moving forward? Yeah.

I'm not putting a lot of stock in comedy. I moved here for music. What type of music do you do? I just sample music. You just sample music.

I'm not talented like these guys. Do you have any talents at all? Do you have any special skills? I mean I'm good at building stuff because I'm an engineering teacher. Okay.

Jill List, what do you think about this guy? Could you build an act?

No. I mean you have great teeth. You're very handsome. I feel like you probably have a good life. You're teaching children, yet you don't belong here.

That's true. You're a beautiful man and you're serving the community. You should move forward into the audience, turn around and enjoy a nice show. That's true. I actually teach in California.

I'm on a sabbatical. Even better. You teach in California. Are you a surfer? No.

I live in Fresno. The worst part of California.

Joe has a great point. You're a good looking guy. Do you utilize that? Are you single? I am single.

What type of a game do you have? What's your move to get? ladies? I'm eating potatoes. As you can tell, these people didn't really accept me.

Is that true? Girls don't like you? Do you go to bars or anything? I don't know. It's weird.

I don't know. You're a little bit shy. Maybe so.

Austin's got the most beautiful women in the world. I do know that. None of them are here tonight. But they are. They're out there somewhere.

Deep, deep. Perhaps in the darkness.

Still in Vegas.

I get laid. How are you not getting laid? Explain to us what goes wrong. You want to mimic a date? Let's pretend like we're on a date.

Let's do it. Pretend like I'm a hot chick. I'm just a hot chick. Just got my hair cut super short. I just got out of a really bad relationship.

Hi. How are you? I'm good. How are you? Good.

What's your name? Eric. What's your name? I'm Tanya. Tanya.

I like Tanya. Man, you're a really good looking guy. What do you do? I'm a teacher. You want to get out of here?

Yeah. I can teach you a few things. Whoa. Look at that. Let's get an actual girl up here to see how he buckles under the pressure.

How long have you been in Austin? About a month and a half. And you have no game whatsoever. You haven't hooked up with a chick? I did.

I have. Tell us what happened there. Where did you find her at? On Bumble.

That's the one where the chick decides or something? Yeah. They have to initiate the contact. Right. Okay.

Someone initiated contact with you. What did she say? She was really pushy. In what way? You could tell she was more like she wants a relationship, and I'm not here for a relationship.

Sorry. I'm just... What happened? You guys go on a date? Actually, she just came to my place.

It happened and then yada, yada, yada. It doesn't sound like she was into a relationship. It pretty much sounds like she wanted to get fucked. Well, she did, but she wanted more than that. How do you know?

What did she say? You're laying there in bed. Where did you come at? In a condom? or what did you do?

Hers or yours? You came on your own stomach? No, not on mine. On hers. It could happen.

Of course it could happen. If you're on bottom position and they have to get up quick, sometimes you have to just fucking. blow it where it lies. Absolutely. You have to play it as it lies.

You just have to go with it. It's fucking Happy Gilmore style. Absolutely. Rule 22A says play it as it lies. You have to shoot your load.

No point in getting the fucking comforter and sheets all fucked up, right? You take the load, grab a fucking side towel. Paper towel. You seem like you'd have some P. Terry's napkins next to the bed.

Loaded with those. Whatever you got. Whatever it takes. Perhaps a joke book you could wipe it up with, because that's empty. Nice, clean pages there.

I love it. You blew on her stomach and then you got a towel or something? I let her go to my shower. She went straight to the shower? Yeah.

That's icky, man. You got to wipe first. Icky? It's your cum. It's not some other dude's cum.

you would wipe up or something. That would be kind of creepy. But it's yours. It was in your balls. That's true.

Do you consider it icky? I don't want to touch it. You don't want to touch your own cum? It smells like first aid. Your cum smells like first aid?

Aid?

First aids. No, not aids. I knew where you were going with that. You knew I was going to say that, you, son of a bitch. You've been watching the show for a long time.

I popped your cherry. That's true. I knew you were going to say first aids. I shouldn't have said it, you, son of a bitch. It's got the word aid in it.

All you had to do was add an S, you quick ass, motherfucker.

Did you watch the Super Bowl on Nickelodeon? No, I didn't.

I don't get it.

Why would he watch it on Nickelodeon? They had the Super Bowl on Nickelodeon, but it was all slime and Spongebob. It's a lot of graphics. It's icky. It's icky.

The reach was for icky on that one. Okay.

Wow. Most interesting thing, Joe? What do you think about that? I just think that your cum smells like first aid is way, far more interesting. It's way funnier than anything in that notebook.

If you came out with cum smells like first aid, I don't even know what that means, but I'm like, I'm listening. Okay.

That's hope for you. That just gave me a new hope. Maybe this is still not your calling. 41 years of life. It doesn't have to be funny, but just tell us something that makes you different than everybody else.

Something that happened to you, or perhaps how you were raised, or some fun fact about your life. I came out here for music and I sample music. You and I, we kind of grew up in the same era.

It's different. A lot of people that have heard it have said, hey, that's pretty cool. Where's it at? It's on my MacBook at home. Not here.

Wow, you are a marketing genius.

There he is. Three little joke books in a row. It's a fairy tale. This is like a kid's book right now. Three little joke books.

Three little joke books. I have a friend that's visiting. He's writing a children's book. Make some noise for my friend Willie Hunter up there. Visiting from L.A.

Comedy store legend. Former multiple-time guest to the show. This person is on the inside. You've seen three little joke books handed out tonight. Perhaps someone from your very own audience, a representative of you, will turn the tide, for the bucket pulls tonight.

Make some noise for the inside zone. Jeff Scott, everybody. Jeff Scott. I'm not seeing it. Where's Jeff at?

From the farthest corner, of course.

Madison Square Garden. The Forum. So much fun stuff happening. Of course, huge announcements at the ends of those shows, as always with our big shows, where we always announce where we're going next. The people in Europe might be excited at an announcement.

Before we pull the next name, here's to the audience's own, one of you. It's Jeff Scott.

Uh, all right. Growing up, I would only watch lesbian porn. I didn't want to see another man's dick. I thought that would, you know, give me the gay. And when I was younger, having the gay was a sin.

But you see, porn, well, that's where I learned all my sex moves from. So until I was like 24, I was just out here scissoring bitches.

I'm.

. I'm trying to get back in the dating scene right now. I just had a first date recently with a girl. I took her to a pet store after lunch. I figured we could look at the puppies.

And while we were there, she kept telling me how much she loved reptiles. I thought it was going great. But as soon as I get back to my house and I finally get my pants off, she gets all mad at me. And I was like, what, earlier you said you love turtles.

I really am trying to focus on my stand-up career right now, but I, uh, I don't have any social media, you know, no Instagram, Snapchat, nothing like that. In fact, right now, the only social media I have is Jerk Mate. I don't know if it's helping my career or not, but the chicks keep laughing.

Seriously, though, if I would have known there was gonna be this many hot chicks here, I would have put a sock in my pants or something. My problem is, I'm all balls. But, you know, they say one in 50 men do have a micropenis. My question is, which president? was it?

No way it was Obama. Michelle's not putting up with that. Keep going. I want to hear the end of this. Clinton, Kennedy, they're out for obvious reasons.

But personally, I kind of think it was Lincoln, dude, because what type of cuckold shit was that? We had such a good thing going.

Very good.

I love it. Let's get into it. How long you been doing stand-up? About a year now. About a year.

Where at? Chicago. I love it. Chicago, very good place for comedy. What do you do for work?

I build swimming pools. You build swimming pools in Chicago? In Chicago, yes, sir. Fuck yeah.

If you like, swimming, two months out of the year. Exactly, exactly. Jeff Scott. That's why I'm here.

Yes. I love it. Very interesting, Jeff. Lesbian porn, turtles, jerk maid, all the way through. I love the Lincoln joke.

It was great. Joe List, what do you think about this guy? Yeah, that was fantastic. I mean, straight out of the audience, you killed, you make your own sweatshirts. It was really...

I mean, what can't he do? You are in the audience tonight. You're a fan of the show. You came here with people. How did you end up here?

I came with my girlfriend. I've been in standby for the last six weeks. Since you stopped doing the H-E-B. Standby tickets. Right, so you've been waiting in line.

First, yeah, every day. Really? What time do you get here? This is an interesting thing. I've heard rumors about this.

About how long people wait. I don't want to give it away. I get here at noon. Okay, yeah, you're afraid people show up at 11.30. now.

I see what's going on.

So you get here at noon. Do you bring a chair or something? Yeah, I get here early, so I get the parking spot right next to it. And I bring a chair and just kick it all day. Fucking cool, man.

And you've been signing up every week? Every week, yeah. And then you finally got pulled? Finally, yeah. How many weeks?

Since you've been back from H-E-B, so six, is it? Yeah, six weeks. That sounds about right.

Amazing stuff. I love it. Tell us more about you. I knew I was going to get picked tonight, so I was just standing in line and a bird pooped on me. Really?

I was mad, but everyone in line was like, that's good luck, you're getting on tonight. And I can't believe I got on tonight. That's fucking incredible. I was going to say, how the fuck did you know that you were getting on tonight? Everybody always has conspiracy theories.

I was very excited to find out. Right there, you can't see it, my girlfriend did a good job cleaning it up.

Absolutely incredible. She fell in love with your scissoring abilities? Yeah, that's how I won her over.

She's right out there. I know, I get it. You can hear it, yeah. I know how the architecture of the building is. She's definitely out there somewhere.

I love it. How old are you? 31.. What have you been doing with your life up until this point? You've been building swimming pools?

Building swimming pools, plumbing, electrician, all the fun stuff. Look at you, a man of many talents. How long have you been with your girl? 13 years. Wow, incredible.

My goodness. Look at that, she's done more for turtles than the elimination of plastic straws. That's incredible. I love it. Incredible stuff.

What does she do? She's a wedding planner. Adorable, and you guys aren't married? We're not married, no. 13 years?

We're not big into it. You can't write better than this. You've been dating a wedding planner for 13 years? That's true. I hope you do that as a bit.

. You literally can't... The first three bucket pulls definitely can't write anything like that. And here you are in the interview portion, just absolutely smashing, with better premises than anybody came up with before you, other than, of course, the great Casey Rocket who hit Terry Bradshaw right on the head multiple times. You can't beat that.

Can I ask you a question? Absolutely. Has there ever been a proposal on Kill Tony?

She didn't prepare a minute, though, right? No, she doesn't do stand-up. And you don't want to bring her up here, do you? We don't need... If you want, she'll come up.

She loves attention, so.

Holy shit. I love that. you know she loves attention but still won't propose and give her a wedding. Is there a reason why you haven't proposed yet? Oh, I guess not.

We're not big into it. No kids, no marriage. Afraid to go to the deep end? Fucking swimming pool builder? Sons of bitches.

What about the tax break? I guess, yeah, I guess. Does it make a lot of sense?

And guess what, my friend? Six weeks in the making. The first big joke book of the night. Jeff Scott, everybody. His Jeff Scott jokes on Twitter or Instagram are one of the two.

Jeff Scott, famously the name of a 30-year comedy store piano player legend who passed away during the global pandemic.

One of the reasons why so many people left the comedy store and L.

A.

, he was really the guy that was a staple there. So his spirit lives on in new comedian Jeff Scott. One more time for your own, Jeff Scott, everybody.

And now the momentum shall flow as we switch to one of our esteemed, brilliant, unbelievable regulars. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a fucking phenom. You know him. You love him. He's an international superstar.

Kill Tony's own Cam Patterson, everybody.

I'm talking to a white girl right now. Obviously.

We in Austin. That's all we got. So I'm having a good time. But the weird thing about it is she was like kind of raised in the hood a little bit. So she say nigga a lot.

And I like to say nigga a lot. That's my favorite word. But she said more than me. You know what I'm saying? And usually when a white person says nigga to my face, I would be upset.

But we fucking, so she get a pass.

But I really want to bring around my parents. You know what I'm saying? I really wanted to meet my people. And I don't want to say nigga around my dad, because then he gonna have to fuck her too. You feel me?

That's just the law. That's how that works. That's how that works. Imagine my granddad was there. He gotta fuck my girl too.

And I want all white men to understand something. You can say, nigga, also.

I'm not there.

You can also say nigga. Would you like to say nigga, sir? If you wanted to say nigga, all you gotta do is get fucked in the ass by a big-ass black gay man, and you earned it also. That wasn't a great ending.

All good. I love it.

I did that exact same ending and the little boy did the exact same thing. I still tried it. It's good. That's exactly what it's all about. Going for it.

You have expendable minutes. You're allowed to do whatever the fuck you want. You're here every week. It's a fucking, not an easy job whatsoever. And you're out here doing it.

You disguise that punch about your dad having to fuck her too. so good, I didn't see it coming and I knew that you had something funny coming and still you got me. Thank you. Yeah. Fantastic stuff.

as always. Joe, you like saying the n-word. What'd you think about his set? Yeah. No, I love it.

We have the same favorite word.

No, I'm a huge fan. I watched him in the little boy the other day. He blew the fucking room apart. I'm a fan. I don't know what else to add.

Thank you, man. Hilarious. You really are a goddamn sensation. Where'd you meet this white girl at? She's from the city.

We're pretty cool. She's from Orlando and shit. Oh, from Orlando. Okay. And what does she do?

What kind of hair does she do for a living?

Cornrows or braids? Nah, she dance. She a dancer. Is she a stripper? No.

No, no. She's a professional dancer on a pole sometimes. Yeah. Amazing. Sometimes there's a pole there.

Are the strip clubs in Orlando, are they fully nude? Yeah, they get ass naked. Of course. It's Florida. It was coming out of my mouth.

I'm like, it's Florida. Bucket naked. Bucket? Bucket naked. Damn, super naked.

Wow, I can't even imagine how much more naked you could get than regular naked. I mean, what are they doing? Shaving their pubes up there or something? Yeah, it's crazy. I love it.

Absolutely incredible. Joe? It's just funny. Normally, when someone says, you know what I'm saying? You almost always do.

But in that instance, I actually didn't know what you were saying. I was like, I have no idea what you're saying. Bucket naked. Do you say bucket naked? Bucket naked, like super naked.

Like bucket. Yeah, nah, like bucket. Like bucket naked. You get what I'm saying, right, bald nigga? I feel like you're adding...

Do you understand it? Bald nigga? get it? Yeah. He understands.

His head is bucket naked.

The audience can't see, but this is handsome. Ari Shaffir. You look like a very attractive Ari. It really is. It's incredible.

Likeable. Are you Jewish? Everyone says I am, but I'm not. What do you think? this is, World War II, bro?

Come on. Everyone thinks I'm Jewish,

What does that matter? I love you. Aw, look at that. Look at that. A little Ash Wednesday for you, Catholic school boy.

We got a little mark on his forehead. now. We gotta get Cam some hand lotion ASAP. Please. Yoni.

We have any fucking Vaseline? We got a thumbs up from Yoni. Hey man, in case of a gift card, I be going to Walgreens all the time. I'm always at Walgreens stealing a whole bunch of shit. You're looting, dude.

You don't need a gift card to loot.

You're just allowed to do whatever you want, as long as it's not behind the plastic cases. You know how it works.

I love it. So you met the stripper in Orlando or out here? Yeah, in the city. Okay, in the city of Orlando. Yeah.

I love it. Was it this last time or you knew her from before? Before. Okay, so you've known her a while. Does she have a good stripper name?

No, I don't know it. You don't know her stripper name? I don't like to ask about her job life.

Her job, life. When you come home, baby, enjoy yourself, you know what I'm saying? That's right. You only know her by her real name. Yeah, I don't even know that, but I love her.

I'm in love. You are? What's your most favorite thing about her? Does she do something special in the bedroom? She got a fat ass.

Oh, shit. Love that. You love that. What's your favorite thing to do with a woman with a fat ass? Do you like to hit it from behind?

Yeah, put your thumb in the bitch booty. I have. You ever did that? Oh, he just pointed to the girl. Look at that.

That is incredible. I do believe she likes that. That thumb in that booty, he get it. And that nigga shoot deer. That nigga understand.

A slayer of deer. I love it. Cam, you did it again. I mean, absolutely unbelievable. You're a fucking absolute specimen of what should go on here with appearances.

This is energy, charisma, writing, execution. One more time for the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody.

The best. The man. The myth. He's on tour with me all over the country right now. We're finishing it up.

It's going to be done in May. Some fun, few more giant theaters to go. Make some noise for your next bucket pull. His name is Roy Mendoza, everybody. Roy or Ray Mendoza.

Here we go.

Let's go. Austin, Texas. How the fuck are we doing out here tonight, man? Y'all looking beautiful. I'm a local, by the way, just so y'all know.

Give me a little extra love. Come on. Give me a little extra love. By the way, me and Cam have a lot in common. He loves saying the N-word a lot.

I actually say the N-word for my breakfast. I have my bacon and eggs. I say the N-word five times and brush my teeth. That's just my natural regimen. Anyways, on a serious note, guys, I just came out of a very long-term relationship.

It's been tough. My ex was actually my nephew's ex. Obviously, y'all can see I'm Hispanic, if y'all haven't seen the mustache yet. I have, I guess, some trailer trash genetics somewhere along the way. It's been difficult because I almost became a great uncle to myself.

It's been interesting. It's been interesting. Yeah, man, this is beautiful. Seeing Joe List, people like this out here, it's inspiring. Trying to do my thing out here.

I'm trying to get some Louis C.

K. money out here. All right. Thank you, guys. That's my time.

What the fuck, man?

How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? I have been attempting stand-up. This is my second open mic. My first time I did an open mic was at the original Cap City back in 2018.. What made you come back here tonight?

What made you have this grand return? comparing yourself? Just being a huge fan and nutting up because I'm a local from here. I said, you know what, y'all been here for so long. I need to nut up, come out here, and at least do it.

Get that out of my system. How do you think it went? Not great. I felt like it went better at Cap City. There was like 14 people and I made like two of them laugh, so it felt a little bit better.

Yeah, man. That ratio is a lot better than what you did here. Exactly.

So much to say. It seems like maybe you're a fan of mine, so I thought you were fantastic.

. There you go. Shut up, Mendoza. No, I... Shut up, Mendoza.

At first, you came out like a comedy. You looked like a guy that does a lot of comedy, but there was a lot of wasted time, I think. Yep. It's, uh, yeah. But you look like a comic.

You look, you're standing.

. It's the glasses. I got a generic Mexican-ass vibe looking, so I can pass for Frank Castillo. A lot of other Mexicans out there that are doing the same thing. Yeah.

They're doing jokes. Yeah, that's the thing you're missing. Trying to make that Louis C.K. money with zero punchlines whatsoever. So, before I let you go, tell us something interesting about your life.

You good at something? You ever do anything? Yeah, man. I was trying to refrain from saying this, but I've been a drummer since I was a kid. Really?

Since you were a kid? How old are you? How old am I? I am 32.. How old were you when you started playing the drums?

I was three years old. Okay. You're god-awful at comedy. If you lose this, will you never do? stand-up again?

The drum-off? Yeah. So it's a special retirement version, ladies and gentlemen.

Is it Ray or Roy? Roy. Okay, Roy. You know how this works. You're going to do a drum solo.

You're going to keep it around 30 seconds or so or less. And then Michael Gonzalez goes, if you win this drum-off, you're the brand-new drummer on Kill Tony, which means your unfunny, unlikable ass will be here every single week performing on this show. You will take Michael Gonzalez's job, one of the most professional, absolute, legendary drummers in the history of the show and in all of Austin, Texas. And he will have to become a... What do you do for a living?

He's going to have to be an insurance agent. It's a switch. For those of you that don't know, if he loses, Michael becomes an insurance agent and Roy Mendoza becomes the new drummer on Kill Tony here with a drum solo. This is a Mexican drum-off. This is Roy Mendoza.

All right. Roy Mendoza, with an attempt. An absolute attempt. And here to defend his throne, undefeated all time in Mexican drum-offs, this is indeed Kill Tony's very own Michael Gonzalez.

Here he is. Roy Mendoza. Repping the ladies soccer team of Austin, Texas. And clearly representing a little bit of Genghis Khan on his head, everyone. This is Michael Gonzalez.

with a drum solo. Michael Gonzalez.

Here he is.

electronic music plays Oh,

God! Oh boy! I think we're having a little retirement party here tonight, everyone. How many of you have Roy Mendoza winning that?

Ooh. Rick Diaz-like response there. How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning?

People on the Internet, believe it or not, I swear to God, there are people that will say that Roy Mendoza won that. It's very funny. At this point, I swear to God, this was facing me backwards, the backside of this little joke book, with a hanging little man on a noose. It says, No Bueno, on the back of this little joke book. And I'm giving you this as a retirement present.

You understand, you're no longer allowed to do stand-up comedy. Do you understand? Deal? You want a shake on it? You're retired.

Roy Mendoza, everybody. There. he goes. Holy shit. The first-ever retirement edition of a Mexican drum-off.

We having fun tonight.

Anything can happen. Let's keep it moving. Your next bucket pool, 60 seconds uninterrupted, going to Deshaun Johnson, everybody. One, two, three, four, A.M. music.

Some bitch outside said I was the first nigga she ever seen with a thigh gap, and that fucking bugged me. I can't celebrate Black History Month because I'm also a nigga that went through an emo phase. You know that shit. My mom's a cunt, and my dad hates... No?

Okay, fair enough. Yeah, I don't have any jokes. I just came here to find a white girl with a fat ass and a good credit score. I'm trying to make waffle-colored niggas. Is there any...

Can we make waffle-colored niggas, please?

Uh, yeah. I'm trying to fuck my way into a cottage. Does anyone have a cottage? Do you have a cottage, sir? All right.

Fair enough. Does that mean a nigga's done, or what's up? Fantastic. It does mean that a man is done. Yeah.

Deshawn, I got to tell you, that was absolutely fantastic. The best bucket pull of the night, not from the inside. That was great. I love it. You disguise your punchlines by saying you don't have jokes, and then you do a joke.

Most of the bucket pulls tonight didn't have jokes, didn't say that they didn't have jokes, and just didn't have jokes. You did something totally different outside of the box. Black History Month is booming. I can't tell where the black leather stops and your neck begins exactly. You are quite the, uh...

You are a beacon of Black History Month. Truly. I can't think of a better representative than you. Yeah. Yeah.

You feel comfy up here, obviously, right? Absolutely. I'm right at home. Yeah, man. Yeah.

I'm from Canada. That's probably why. I'm really not a real nigger. You're comfortable, too. I was born and raised in an all-black neighborhood, and you are from Canada.

Exactly.

What part of Canada are you from? I'm from Toronto, Canada. I love that. Toronto, Canada. The rare black Toronto man.

I love it. What was it like growing up in Toronto?

They do that in Canada? Since I was a child. Did they apologize immediately after? No. I mean, I was outnumbered, too, right?

So there's not much I can do. Right. Okay. Tell us more about your life. How old are you?

I'm 28.

. Wow. 28.. Okay. Beautiful.

And what do you do for work? I'm a scammer.

I scam white people for a living. I'm a retired scammer, so everything's fine. You're fine. How do you do it? What's your scam?

Tell us about it. Come on. This is a fun show. What kind of watch you got on? This is a good interview.

You can't scam me out of my Rolex. I don't see how that's impossible. Wait. Where'd it go? Holy shit.

I'm tricky. I'm tricky. Okay. So what was the scam that you were doing? I'm curious.

The thing is, I'm really a scammer, so I can't really talk much about it. Really? Can you tell us about a scam that you used to do? that you don't do anymore? Come on.

Give me fucking something here. These interviews are tough tonight. God. These people are making me work for it. All right.

Fuck. Okay.

Yeah. So I get a lot of counterfeit bills. I buy a lot of leather shit.

I believe that. You are rocking the leather pants, the leather jacket. Yeah. I did get arrested for it. How did they catch you?

I was driving one day, and I just got pulled over. They were like, Deshawn, you've been wanted since fucking October. I've been wanted for two years, and then they just arrested me. I sat in a holding cell and ate crackers and shit.

Canadian police are nice. I never had any bad run-ins with the police or anything. Yeah. Canadian police. Famously nice.

Apologize. I once shot a nigga in the head with a BB gun.

See, that's the difference between Canada and America right there. The difference is the word BB before the gun. That's the only difference. They're the same up there. It wasn't a BB gun.

It was like, you know the fucking guns they use to put down inmates? It was like a real gun. It was like a fucking six-sword issued gun with a metal pellet. This guy was beating on my aunt, and then I shot him. Then I shot him in the head, and then the police came, and I told them that I had a BB gun, and he told me to hide it.

The police officer told you to hide it? The police told me to hide the gun. Was he white or black? He was white. Unbelievable.

Look at that. Because he knew that guy was a perp. What?

He was a perpetrator. He was a bad guy. The nigga that beat on my aunt? Who was the perpetrator? No, no, no.

He was not a perpetrator at the time. He was bleeding and everything, so it was pretty fucked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was the perp, but...

I was the fucking perp, Tony. Yeah, I just... Police in Canada. suck. That's my point.

The perp, I do believe, is the name of the criminal. in this instance. Perp is also the name of your favorite drink. I think we're getting it all confused here.

This nigga's tricky. This nigga's tricky. Okay. I am tricky. Tell us more about you.

You're so likable. Very, very funny. How long have you been doing stand-up? Five months. Five months.

That's it. Incredible. Very, very good. Thank you, thank you. How long are you in Austin for?

I just got here today. Okay, you got here today. White bitches. Oh, you got a girl with you. You got a nigga with you.

It's all good. He puts his thumb in her butt sometimes.

Hell yeah. So how long you planning on staying? As long as I can. And you doing any scams while you're here? Hopefully, not.

Hopefully, I can get some sets. Hopefully I can actually do real work. And get better as a comic. And throw that life away, man. I don't need anything else.

I have everything. You've been doing this for five months and you love it? I fucking love this shit, bro. This shit is amazing. This shit changed my life.

You seem like you're going to be doing this absolutely forever. Incredible. Joe List. I thought it was hilarious. For the first 30 seconds, I thought you were a bucket naked.

I really did. I was like... Listen.

I respect you and all, Joe. But I'm tapped into the streets, nigga. I will hire a nigga to stick a pipe in your ass, dawg. Fucking, relax. He eats crackers like you in his jail cell.

I mean.

. Is that offensive? I'm just saying... I thought you were nude. That's funny.

Someone's not leaving with the watch. they came in with. What kind of watch you got on, nigga? I don't have a watch. I'm not a watch guy.

You can have my wedding ring. I don't want it anymore anyways.

No, it was hilarious. I loved it. I think you're great. Don't beat me up. What the fuck?

He's a big fan. He loves you so much. he's been smoking your thumb since he got up here.

Deshawn Johnson. My boy. What do your black parents do up in Toronto? How did they end up up there? Jamaican.

Did they go through America? How does that happen? They just landed in fucking Canada. How do you land in Toronto? You go down the fucking river and up Lake Erie?

As a Jamaican, you find a bitch and then you marry her and then you're just there.

Wow. That's how my parents did it. That's a whole different life. What's your love life like? You're a good-looking, charismatic guy.

I've been fucking chastised. I've been fucked over, man. Tell us about it, please. This sounds great. I have an ex and she's a bitch.

Why is she a bitch? What did she do to you? I'll tell you. Her favorite song is an Icon of Pop song. I don't care.

the national anthem, for I fuck niggas, but I'm too afraid to tell my dad. You get it?

Last time I seen my dad, last time I talked to him, he said he was five minutes away and that was 30 years ago.

Wow. You are very, very funny. How did your relationship end? Did she break up with you? You break up with her?

She fucked a nigga named Chuck.

And you know what? I'm just going to say it because I'm with you. Fuck you, Chuck. Yeah, nigga. Son of a bitch.

You son of a bitch. And he did this at her place. or were you guys living together at the time? No. Why?

He accidentally put on some leather pants afterwards.

We weren't living together. How did you find out about it? I went through her phone, nigga. I went through the bitch's phone.

It was crazy. What did you see? I saw that she fucked a nigga named Chuck. She just said Chuck? No, it was because I had, oh my God, do we have to do this right.

I appreciate that, nigga. Now tell me what happened.

Absolutely.

It is Black History Month. I fuck with white girls because they got non-threatening farts. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Before we go there, I know you're trying to change the subject here, but I want to go back. White bitches eat trail mix and grass.

That's true.

You know what favorite kind of ground meat they love? Chuck. Okay, so.

Okay, so you see Chuck in the phone and then what happens? Do you confront her right away? Is she asleep at the time? Is she in the shower? How'd you get the phone access?

All I can remember, because I was just so fucking enraged, she had a robe on, and I just remember A robe on? A robe on, right, absolutely. All I can remember.

All I can remember, we had just fucked. Oh, this was. Oh, you know what? Okay, I'm remembering now. Oh, wow, this is a traumatizing moment.

You're having fucking Vietnam flashbacks right now.