#2087 - Ron White
2024-01-16 03:03:29
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Ron White has brought a wandering puppy into this studio. She's tangling the wires now.
Yeah, you know what? We could just put her out there, they got new puppies out there, let's just put her outside. She doesn't need to be around these wires.
Let's have her do that and play with the puppy.
Yeah, she'll do that.
How old is she? Six months, Six months? She's adorable. What's her name again?
Maddie She's like a rug that shits.
That's what she is, man.
She's a little adorable, little cutie pie.
She's a golden doodle, micro golden doodle is what they're called.
Micro Golden Doodle.
Yeah, so that's about how big she's supposed to be.
That's it, that's as big as they get.
That one's supposed to, I hope so.
Isn't it weird?
I still got to cram them on planes and shit when I want to travel.
Those things all came from Wolves.
Did they really? Yeah, I don't know anything about where she came from, I got her from a breeder.
All dogs came from wolves, they did. It's just incredible that they can get a dog down to that. I mean, even a German shepherd. Imagine turning a German shepherd into a chihuahua.
How, how'd they do that?
I'm glad I'm not the one they're asking how to do it, because I would have to say, I have no idea, dude.
I don't even think they know how people did it because it happened so long ago.
You get two chihuahuas and let them bang. That's the only that's the new way.
You get the boss chihuahua, I wonder if you can go back up to a wolf, whether you can take chihuahuas and go back 10,000 years.
And get back, just reverse DNA, those things back into a creature.
Yeah, make it harder for them to live.
Is it hot in here? No, it's not. No, oh no.
Oh no, oh no. Then I miscalculated something, I got a miscalculation going on in my head.
No, we're good. It's like, What is it in here? 70? It's cold as shit outside.
Yeah, it is. I'm up in the air on the 22nd floor. I'm still living in the condo. It is breezy up there, yeah.
Boy, you open up that sliding glass door, you get a taste of reality.
A couple days ago, we could barely shut it, you know, or open it. it was just so much pressure against it. We're in Midland on Wednesday or Thursday night to do a show. Thanks to you. If you'd have just let me retire, I wouldn't have been in Midland.
I'm sitting on my bus, my 60,000-pound tour bus, and it is shaking in the wind. It is blowing so hard. I've owned that bus 17 years. I've never felt anything like this. It's just shaking.
The bus driver had to drive it from there to Houston for the next night's show. He got up 10 hours later, just rastling that steering wheel, trying to keep that thing on the road. His shoulders were killing him, his back was sore.
It looked like he'd been in a fight all night long, 10 hours.
A bus is such a big target for wind, too. There's so much surface area.
It's like a big old sail, yeah.
But luckily they weigh a lot, so they're 60,000 pounds, so it's pretty stable compared to a trailer that somebody's pulling. There's no weight in that, all that weight's right here, that stuff really blows around worse than we do.
Yeah, I would imagine we have got weight distribution.
Just the whole trailer thing being connected.
I know all about this shit. If you want to know any of it, just ask me questions.
Okay.
I'm going to think of something.
The hinge between the two trailers. If something goes sideways, I would imagine that would be a lot harder to get back on track.
I don't know, Jack, shit, about that, in fact.
I've owned my bus for 17 years, I've never driven it one foot. And if you held a gun to my head and said, I'm going to kill you, if you don't move this bus, I'd say, you're going to have to kill me. Dude. Because I don't even know how to start it, I've never been curious, I'm not that kind of person.
I've owned a jet for years, I never went in the cockpit, I couldn't tell you what goes on up there. I'm sure the people up there knew how to fly a plane, but I've never started it, I've never moved it.
I've had cops bang on, you've got to move it, you're blocking an alley. I'm sorry, dude, you've got the wrong guy. And the driver's asleep right now because he's got to drive tomorrow night. So it's kind of sitting where it's sitting, unless you guys want to tow it.
You've had that happen.
Yeah.
Yeah, because drivers can only drive so long.
Yeah, well, you drive 500 miles and then they go on overdrive. So they make the same for the next couple hours that they made for the whole day. So they like that. But there are laws against how much that they can run without needing some rest. And we run that bus at night, so they've got to sleep during the day.
You're banking on people being able to stay awake, people fall asleep at the wheel sometimes.
Yeah, you've got to go with super pros and pay them well because those guys understand how important it is. You've got everything on this thing, my life, my friends lives and my family. That's who I've spent the most time with in the last whatever 30 years.
So you get a pro that knows how to sleep, knows how to do it, knows how to work it, knows how to work those hours. I've got a great guy now that I just picked up, named Steve, who used to work for Prevo's Fixing them, and Fred the Patch, who built the bus. So I've got the bus covered, man.
That's nice because you've got a little traveling apartment.
Yeah, it's the greatest, you've got to get one. In fact, I was looking at them the other day for you.
I'm not getting one of those.
You've got to, you've got a place to store it, no park it in one of your gyms.
No, just the thought of traveling around on highways. While you're just kind of, oh, you're hoping all these other people around you can keep their shit together, right? You just have regular people, not pilots, regular people driving multi-thousand pound machines on rubber tires, weaving in and out of lanes.
Yeah, you can't ever come on my bus with thoughts like that, spewing them out there, I'll never sleep again.
Some guy just cut in front of me the other day, didn't see me on the highway. I don't think. I think he just cut right in front of me. And I was like, Wow.
Never saw you?
I don't think he saw me. I think he just turned in my lane. I think, you know, it was a left lane thing. He was going into the left lane. I just don't think he saw me.
You know, the problem with that bus is that you get so used to it and you're so used to living on it. When it's moving and you kind of forget that you're standing there, but you're really going 70 miles an hour. So if something happens, and this happened one time, we were in Orlando and it was actually a cop that did it cut in front of the bus. I'm standing there washing dishes or whatever I was doing. And then Pat's got to hit the brakes and turn to the left from going. For now, I'm going 70 miles an hour, I'm still going 70 miles an hour, but he's going 52 and going that way, and I'm going 70 miles an hour this way. And I landed on this chair, which looks padded, but it doesn't feel padded.
When you hit it and I thought I would never walk again or breathe again after I just walked away from it, I wouldn't even hurt. But you got to sit down and remember, Hey, this thing's moving, right? So if something happens, you got to be ready for it to happen.
Yeah.
And I sleep like a baby on it.
Ooh, that's crazy.
In fact, I spend too much time on it. I got to hire somebody to shake my bed when I'm at home just a little bit, so I feel like I'm moving down.
If we wanted to look at the bright side of human beings, highways are a pretty good indicator that people, for the most part, keep it together for the most part.
I think that's really how you can really tell when you're back in America. And how good we are at putting a country together, you know, is how good our roads are compared to. You know, it's really funny if you cross the bridge from Reynosa, Mexico, to McAllen, Texas, which I used to do all the time. It was a joint project, so the U.
S built half the bridge Mexico built half the bridge, and I'm not being a racist, and I love Mexican people. I just got back from Mexico City. But our side of the bridge is smooth as silk. And as soon as you hit that river, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. But that just goes to what you just said. It's a mark of what you've achieved as a civilization, the kind of road work that you've got.
And you get back to Texas, where we got those U-turn lanes on the freeway, we got it figured out. Here in Texas, man, we got the best roads ever, best roads ever.
It's just counting on all those people to keep their shit together all the time while you're driving on the highway. And most people do it. Most people, the vast majority of us, keep our shit together.
That's why I think bus drivers should make more than pilots, because there's way more shit to run into.
Oh yeah, way more and way more things that can make mistakes that are all around you.
You're right, things that are completely out of your control, that ain't going on up in the sky there.
There's also people play stupid road games, I'm sure you've seen those.
People get aggressive with each other on the road when you're in a car, and this was explained to me. I forget who told us this. The reason why road rage really exists at such a hyper level is because you're really tuned in, because you're driving the car. It's an extraordinary thing. You know, things are happening fast, your mind's tuned in.
So any little thing like, what the fuck? You're already at like seven, and so when you're already at seven and something happens, it freaks you out.
It's amazing how even-headed I think I am, but what really little it takes to set me off. I like to think I'm a step above all that stuff. But I was in Mexico City the other day and this guy, I needed to find something, a pharmacy. And so this guy was in a nice Beverly Hills part of Mexico city. And this guy's walking, he's got a business suit on. And I literally, I don't look that great, my hair's all over the place.
And I said, Can you tell me where a pharmacy is? And the guy didn't even look at me. He just kept on running. I said, Please could you just tell me where a pharmacy is? And the guy didn't even look at me.
I was like, Fuck, I went off on the fucking guy. He was just trying to get where he was going. He didn't want to be stopped by some big, hairy, drug-addicted-looking thing that was coming at him.
You do look a little sketchy, like if you're asking for where the pharmacy is, and I don't know who you are.
Right, I can see some suspicious thoughts and I'm basically wearing pajamas and the wind's blowing.
But that's how far I am away from really snapping, I'm not hovering above anything, I don't think.
There was always the joke that you'd go to pharmacies in Mexico and just buy anything. Is that true? Because people would always say that? I was always calling them Mexican supplements, steroids and things that people could buy over there.
I think there are some things that you can get, like valium and stuff like that, but you can't go down there and get opioids.
Oh, no.
I don't think so, I don't know.
I don't know, I mean, according to a few TikTok videos I've seen, you can walk in and get lots of steroid-type stuff. For sure. I'm looking on for some good stuff.
Yeah, you can get hgh and stuff like that, but that's not what you're talking about.
I'm talking about everything, like, What can you get?
Yeah, yeah, I don't think it's really that. Open a book. I know you can get cheap dental care down there.
But I think they decriminalized a lot of things in Mexico fairly recently. If this isn't anything that crazy, you can get that stuff here LexaPro, so you can just go in with no prescription and buy.
Viagra.
But the weird ones like Lexapro, that's like an antidepressant, right?
I have no idea what that is.
You can just go buy penicillin.
Yeah, and why not? I mean, why should you have to go through it? If you know you need penicillin, your dick's dripping, get something for it, go down there and patch it up. You don't want to admit it to anybody.
That thing is a Viagra, it's a blue pill itself. Oh, that's hilarious.
Look at the dick on there.
What does it say? Macho caliente, very hot.
That's what that means. Very hot.
It's a pharmacy with a dude with a boner.
He's got abs, too, he's got a little gut. It's like a mix between me and Rogan. He's got a big old, fucking upper body and a gut hanging down there.
It's a human Viagra pill with a boner at a pharmacy.
And a sobrero.
And a sobrero.
It's too bad you can't see this. Oh, I guess some people watch this on television, right?
Yeah, I watch some of them too. Yeah, isn't that that thing from like the ancient times? Yes, it is, but it's also, I think it's a sleeping pill.
Right, but it's right next to a bottle of shampoo, right? Or that's just body lotion?
Isn't it kind of ironic that SOMa is it sleeping medication? I don't know what it is because the original SoMa was like muscle relaxer, so the original SOMA. They don't even know what it was. There's all sorts of questions as to what it was.
They think it had something to do with mushrooms, perhaps, but it might have been a bunch of other psychedelics, too. They don't know what it was.
I still don't know what it is.
Have you heard the term? No, you've never heard the term Soma? Uh-uh, it's like an ancient term for, like, some sort of a magical elixir.
Am I saying that right? Yeah, I mean, when I google it, it says it itself is also a God. I want some ancient Indian drug, Soma.
This is right down my alley.
Made from a plant called Soma is a god and a drink that was used as an offering to the Gods. In some Vedic rituals, Soma was celebrated at an early period, as shown in the hymns of the Rig Veda. Wow, from when they don't really, oh, fucking thousands of years ago.
When was that?
And they still use this today.
No, it's just, you know, it's used as like a term, as like. A Soma is like a thing that cures all. a Soma is a thing that clears minds.
You know, there's various interpretations of what it does, but it's kind of crazy that they named a muscle relaxant that like, how brazen, how brazen.
I bet you do feel better, though. overall, I bet you feel great. Yeah, my muscles are pretty relaxed all the time. Yours aren't. you need a muscle relaxant.
What do those do to you? They just conk you out.
They make me play better golf because it takes the tension out of my shoulders, really. Yeah, a lot of golfers use all kinds of meds to get loose. Or they actually go down to Stretch lab and get those muscles all stretched out so you can play.
I've heard with pool players, Percocet is a big one.
Well, that's all nerves, right? I mean, if you can't.
Is that what Percocet's doing?
Well, yeah, I think so, you know, calm your nerves or deaden them, or whatever you know.
I've never taken it.
I've been watching this. There's a pool player that comes up on my feed now, and he's like an old kind of chubby fat, Mexican-looking guy. And he's like the greatest pool player that ever lived.
Efren Reyes.
Is that who it is?
From the Philippines.
Fuck man, yeah, I've been watching that guy play a little bit. Once it gets on my TikTok, it starts feeding to me if I know I eat it.
Oh, here, have another one, have another one. But I like watching the guy play fucking pool. I'm just like, God, he's fearless, he's got ice water just pumping through his veins, you know?
He's a wizard man, like a real wizard, he does things on a pool table, there he is.
Yeah, that guy right there, that guy's all over my TikTok feed now, I can't get him off.
He does things on a pool table that are like, magical.
How old is he?
Well, he's older now, you know, he's probably in his late 60s, yeah, like 69, it says.
That's old for a pool player.
He still plays all the time, they livestream videos of him playing people down in the Philippines.
That's what I'm getting, I think.
Yeah, so they have these setups. Like Efren Reyes is, you know, really, arguably the greatest pool player in the history of pool players. And he's now still playing all the time online, and he plays online. And he's not as good as he was when he was in his prime. Because, you know, he's 69 years old.
It's a young man's game.
Look at that. I played pool my whole life. We had a pool table at my house when I was a kid. And so I always like watching, you know, trick players and people that could, you know, run the table and do weird shots and stuff like that.
This guy changed the way people stroke the ball. He came along and he had this very loose and relaxed hand grip on the cue, right? Whereas some of the American players, they were a little too tight with their hand on the cue. And Efren came along and it was like this flowing, sort of like, almost like he was playing a musical instrument.
Right, and the way he did, it is so relaxed that his stroke, like the way the cue ball would dance around the table, was wild to watch. Matt Wild to watch.
Maybe that's what I'm so intrigued about because I don't know exactly what I'm seeing, but I was watching it on that. And you can see he does have a different motion into the ball than it even looks like, you know, with that.
Well, you've played pool before? Yeah right, so if you've played pool before, you know like when someone looks like they're good, yeah.
Like, Oh, that guy looks like he can play pool, you watch that guy and you're like, Oh, this is like a completely different kind of thing.
And then you would guess that. I would guess if I saw him on the street, that I could beat him at pool. And then he would have all my money and I would go. What the fuck happened to me just now?
They brought him over to America under a fake name to hustle with him, They brought him over at Cesar Morales. So these backers, they came from the Philippines, these dudes are big money, they came to America and they brought that dude.
No shit.
Yeah, that's their killer and they brought him. The pool world is so sneaky that they brought him in under a fake name. Because they didn't want people to ask around back to the Philippines, like people to make calls to the Philippines. Hey, who's this Evan Reyes guy? And then everybody would just say, Oh, he's the best.
He's the best. So instead, they just came up with a name, Cesar Morales, and he won this giant tournament as Cesar Morales. It's like a famous.
No shit.
Yeah, I have it on a t-shirt that Morales stuns field at Reds. So they just bring him in to, like, the biggest pool tournament in the country. And this guy's just robbing everybody, just robbing everybody.
Just getting out in ways that people are like, Oh my God. Like his stroke, his knowledge of where the ball's going, the creativity.
Just a genius, genius.
A Virtuoso.
Well, I actually knew nothing about him, except my phone figured out that I liked watching him.
Right? But you could still tell, yeah, even though you don't play a lot of pool, you look at that, you could tell you're like, wow.
That's wild.
Yeah, I never played a lot of pool, I was never good. I never had a good eye for the game. I played a lot so I could play, you know, I could beat my friends.
But if somebody came in, it was like ping pong, I could beat it. I beat the guys on my block pretty bad. But if somebody came in that was a player, they could just push me around and shove me out the door.
I've had a couple fun opportunities to play like real pros here. Like this guy Fedor Gorst. He's probably number two or number three in the world. Incredible player, and me and him played for hours.
When we're playing, it's wild just to watch him up close, do things you go, what the fuck like?
How are you doing that so effortlessly? yeah.
It's like watching a professional golfer when you play golf, you know?
The smoothness and the precision is just like, Fuck, man.
Yeah, that's why I watch pro golfers, I get to play with them every once in a while. And it's actually kind of like, that guy's loose thing, you know, that's how that golf swing is, it's really loose and nothing's really connected hard to anything.
It's just the way it comes through the ball, something magic happens. I'm trying to strangle the club and beat it to death and it doesn't work at all. I'm writing a book right now. 50 years of Bad golf, How I did it. I had a plan to do it this bad for so long.
Tony says, You play good.
You know what I'm back like, I was at anything. I can beat guys my age. If you don't know me and we're playing golf together, I'll kick your ass. But am I a player?
No, there are guys 10 years older than me that can beat me to death on a golf course. Any of those old pro guys that I hook up with every once in a while, Daley can still beat me like a drum.
Isn't it interesting? It's like there's a control of a game like that. What an extraordinary talent, because it's so variable, there's so many things going on.
You literally never do the same thing twice the whole time you play golf your whole life. Because something's going to be different about the wind and the way and where you went, the kind of lie you got on the ground. What club you need to get to that? It's all a game of questions, and you rarely have the answer. Even Ben Hogan, who is arguably the best ball striker ever, said that in an average day of golf, he hits two shots the way he wanted to, exactly.
And the rest of them are close to that. So his misses are really good. So if I hit one shot a month that I'll go, that was perfect. And that's about how often I can do it. Everything else is pretty good.
It's such a fascinating game.
Yeah, you don't have the time, you don't have the time.
Nope, nope, I don't.
No, I'm scared of it.
I'm scared I'd love it.
You would, but you've always had that position, right? You've always kind of looked at golf. That's what people that want to get into golf, they think about starting. It's a waste of time and money.
You need to understand that going into it more time than you can ever imagine. And you have to settle with how good you want to be. Because to be better than that, you've got to spend hours and hours. But if you want to just rake it around and gamble with your friends, you don't have to practice all that much.
I knew quite a few comic buddies that I think lost a little inspiration in their career because they were spending so much time playing golf. Yeah.
Well, that's how I killed my days, and I still do to this day. When I was on the road like you were, I don't know what you were doing during the day, but I was trading tickets for free golf, schmoozing wherever I could.
So you just play everywhere you go.
Yeah, we still do, that's nice. We travel at night, wake up at a golf course, crawl out, you're in the parking lot, it's like you were fedexed over there.
That's great.
Crawl out of the box and play some golf. Kill another day, kill another day, you're over here building an empire, I'm killing another day.
Yeah, but killing another day is sweet. Yeah, to be able to do it that way. I mean, what is life? what is life, if not enjoyment?
It's all about love, Yeah, it's all about love. How much do you love? How much care you love?
Outside of that, nothing really means much.
Yeah.
But it's a waste of time or whatever. I can do charity events with golf, people like to see me shake hands and I like doing that kind of stuff.
Well, you just love the game.
I do love the game.
You love talking about the game.
I watch it, it's because I play it, it's like you and fighting, exactly because you know exactly what that is that they're doing. You can't even hardly explain it to me, even when you're trying to to make me really understand what's going on exactly.
When two guys are on the ground and it looks like nothing's happening and you're losing your mind because there's so many things happening.
That's a hard one to explain, too, because I'm trying to explain it while it's actually happening. So I have to have the path carved out in my head, especially on some transitions that guys do when they go and mount to rear naked choke. I'm trying to set up what he's going to do while not stepping on what they're doing. And then it's like, this weird dance with the description of what's happening in real time, right?
That's why nobody can ever take your job.
God, a lot of guys can do that. No, that's not true. A lot of guys can do that.
That's not true. No, these guys are awesome at it. If Rogan doesn't say it, it doesn't get said, and that's true. That's how people feel. They sit around waiting for you to tell them what to think and do as far as fighting goes.
That's ridiculous, no? There's guys that are better at it than me, like Dominic Cruz is better at it from a technical standpoint than me.
He was a UFC champion, he's had a shit ton of fights, he knows a lot about the technical details.
Yeah, but he's not Joe Rogan. It's not as fun to hear.
Yeah, for me, the fun, I get it, but for me, the fun is the fight, the fun is the who the fuck knows what's going to happen.
You can tell that you can see the joy in your face that it brings you with all these fucking events.
Well, you're getting to see literally the greatest fist fighters of all time, the greatest stand-up, ground fighting, MMA fighting warriors of all time. They exist right now. It's pretty exciting.
And I get that, and I get that it's the ultimate sport. Okay, I'll fight you, you know, that's how wars should be decided. One guy and one guy. Instead. If we're going to take our lower middle class, put them in a field with your lower middle class, they're going to kill each other.
Yeah.
You ought to just fight me in the fucking alley.
That's too difficult. Rotten wife. So they'd rather just fight you with narratives.
Right?
Fight you with mandates.
But, you know me, I won't listen to their narratives. Yeah, that's how I defend myself. I'm really careful about what information I let in my head because I don't know what's going to stew around in there.
I hear you, man, I hear you, especially in this day and age. And also there's so much to worry about. Every fucking time I get on the news and I start reading what's happening in the world every day, it's something new that's insane that you have to worry about.
I know, and that's why I'm just real careful about what news I let in my head.
Don't let it in.
And I've got news feeds on my phone, these are news organizations that I trust that if something wacko in the world is going to happen, it's news. And they're going to pick it up. But if it's something completely unverifiable that I don't even need to fucking know, they're not going to pick it up. But I know when people go down that fucking dark road in the web, they come out on the other side and sometimes you can't get them back.
They're full-blown, I got friends that came back, full-blown. Qanon. They believed it.
They're satan-worshipping cabal of Democrats that eat babies. I'm like, where are all the missing babies? how many babies does it take to feed all the Democrats? If they're all drinking the blood of the babies, there's going to be some missing babies, right somewhere.
No.
They're from overseas, they've got some answer to anything you throw at them. Tom Hanks is like, That's not true, Tom Hanks is still making movies. Tom Hanks didn't eat a baby.
Yeah, he did, and they believe it.
Where did the Tom Hanks one come from? I don't know where did that one come from.
It's just straight out of Qanon. It was their basic doctrine in the beginning was all this bizarre claims. And I got a friend that's well, you met her, and I'm not going to say her name.
But it's, I mean, she believes this with all of her heart.
Right?
All of her heart, and there's nothing I can do to say, You know, nothing I can do, nothing I can do to change her mind.
I think at least a certain portion of that is other governments fucking with people. Absolutely, it is in these chat rooms and message boards.
Absolutely, it is.
Yeah.
And you can sway the uninformed, they're not uninformed, they're misinformed. Yeah, they're informed.
You know they're taking in information, but it's just the wrong information and you can be easily manipulated by that kind of stuff. I mean, the human nature wants to go where it finds comfort, you know, yeah.
And if somebody's feeding you what you eat, you'll go that way, you know, even if it's not good for you.
And people have a very strong desire to uncover mysteries, right, you know, very strong desire to get to the truth. Yeah, because in important situations, like if there's something real going on, that's a good quality.
It's a good quality to have, but if it's, you know, they're eating babies, it's like, Okay, right? What's the benefit?
Eating babies like, why are they doing this?
It gives them some kind of superpower, you know? It's so bizarre and so off of any what I would consider realm of possibility, even part of it being true.
But, you know, people go down there and they'll see just a path of things that lead them, you know, some of it true, some of it not true, not true, not true.
Not true, right? And they'll head off down that direction. They don't come back. You know, it can separate families, man.
You know, don't talk to grandpa anymore, he's gone off the fucking deep end.
And you know, what's really insidious about that is that. The more crazy ones that are out there, and the more people start linking them all together, the more real conspiracies sneak through. Because if you wanted to hide a real conspiracy, I would hide it in a bunch of other bullshit conspiracies. I'd put a bunch of bullshit ones out there, sure.
And I'd make it so that morons believe that Michelle Obama has a dick. I would just pump it out everywhere, I'd make fake videos.
That's exactly what's going on.
That's what's going on. But if you did that, though, then you could sneak in some real conspiracies that otherwise people would think, well, that's outrageous. That kind of corruption would be uncovered, right? that kind of corruption would be prosecuted.
And you're like, Wait, no one's going to, anybody's getting busted for this, right? What?
Right, no one's getting investigated, right? So it's not really happening. It's bananas.
And also people want to, and I know, because somebody that has no formal education, I don't have any formal education, I didn't make it through high school.
My favorite joke that I ever wrote was I do have a GED, and if you don't know what GED stands for, you probably got one too. That's one of my favorite jokes.
But they would love to have the answer to a question, they would love to be able to make a point of some kind. They would love to, but they can't because they're just sitting around watching other people do it. I wish I could think of something to say, and I can't think of anything to say. Well, if there's somebody feeding them something to say. Now, they get real loud about it because they have a point to make, even though they don't understand it at all.
They just know how to sound like they're making a point, like Lauren Bobert or Marjorie Taylor Greene, or whoever.
That's who they were, and now they feel like they can make a point, so they're being real fucking loud about it. But if you've actually been around a while, you just sit around and shake your head and go, you're a goddamn idiot. But all you've got to do is be the smartest person in your region. And boom, you're in Congress. They think she's smart as fuck down there, in that one little section of Georgia where Taylor's out of.
The problem with it is how many people that you know want to run the government? How many people do you know? How many people that you know that are really healthy, clear-thinking, business-minded people that have been successful that want to run the government? Nobody, nobody.
Nobody, so you're not getting any of those folks.
No, what you're going to get is you're going to get their money to influence things in the direction they'd like to see it go. Without them having to be there doing day-to-day stuff on it, so they can have influence on it. But do they want to be the president of the United States?
Do they have it set up like a minor league? Like they groom politicians, they get them to a position and they're like, I like how you stand on this. But maybe if you stood a little bit further on this line, we could support you on this. And then they start grooming them for the big stage, just like you would do with regional plays, and all of a sudden you're on Broadway, right?
That's the religious right. They want somebody, they want to get rid of abortion, so what are they going to do? They've got to stack those courts, what are you going to do? Okay, there's a trillion of us and we'll put you in office, but you've got to put this judge here and this judge there. So our thing comes to pass.
So that's just the way it works.
I'm even more cynical, I just can't believe that. Human beings as a whole haven't resolved a bunch of different things. There's a bunch that I don't believe are really coming back around. I think people are making this argument that they're coming back around and they're highlighting moments where it's coming back around.
Coming back around to what?
I just don't. I mean, I think this is one of the weirdest times ever for human beings to communicate. I think because there's so many of us and there's so many people that are talking, and there's so many voices. And it's happening on everyone's phone, and it's happening all over the fucking world, all at once.
It's never been like this, ever, ever in the history, and it makes you wonder where it's going.
I think it's short-circuiting everything.
I do, too.
It's short-circuiting our government, it's short-circuiting –.
It makes me nervous, one of the things that makes me nervous, this government that we have, it's complicated, it is complicated, so you just can't be some douchebag on the side going. I want them out of there. You've got to have a plan because this thing's got to work. You don't want separation of church and state.
Well, why don't you just move to Iran then? Because that's what happened over there, the religious right took over. Now. Our laws are your laws. That used to be a pretty normal place.
People don't believe that, but Iran used to be fucking strawberry rivers and shit, normal people with jobs.
ROn There were people that were willing to laugh at people's deaths because they didn't want to get vaccinated for Covid. There were people like that at the same time, thinking they're good people. Yeah, all on the internet.
I know, I know, you know, and when it came to all that stuff, you know me. I don't talk about politics on stage, and I never knew, and I never will. And it's not, Oh, you just want to be able to sell tickets to both people, but no, I want stand-up comedy to be a place where we can laugh.
And I'm going to do what I, you know, so I'm not going to take a position. I never did if I was a political commentator before. Okay, that's fine if I'm not Bill Maher. So I don't bring it into my show. Because I want us all to come in and just be able to fucking laugh together and find out how much that matters.
And at the end of my shows now, I'm reminding people that no matter what our differences are. We just still came to this room. And we all laughed at the same thing, and we laughed hard, and we loved each other and we had a great experience.
Let's remember that, let's try to get back to that, right, you know, instead of all these stupid little things that makes it look like we have. It's like fake rivalries, almost, it's not like, you know, Texas and Oklahoma.
They're that same place, exactly, there's no difference between those two places. And they act like, Well, we're Oklahoma, and somebody put that in their head, you know?
What I was getting at was that if they're willing to do that over just some issue of whether you want to or don't want to get a vaccine. What would they do? If they really believed that God was on their side? What would they do in a really bad—?
Anything they could.
A really—when things go really bad.
Anything they could.
When the power goes out for a while.
Anything they could.
Yeah, and justify it.
And that's what's dangerous is they genuinely do believe that, yes, that we would be better off if we did things like this. For sure. Under these laws of God in this book, by when Jesus would get back to his basic teachings that I really dug, you know, which is love each other, love, love, love.
And wait a minute, that was Lennon. But still, Jesus was saying a similar song about, you know, and with a good, positive message, and that message was always of love. You know, back when I went to church, and, you know, my uncle's still a preacher to this day.
Dr. Charles Pollard's still preaching to the American Indians out in Farmington, New Mexico, for no money. You know, Wow has 23 people about at every service, then he goes to jails and he's 90 years old, you know?
Still working to this day.
Wow.
Still knocking it out for the Lord. And he used to be the president of the Southern Baptist Convention. My uncle did so. That was a very powerful position.
And then he fell out of favor with them because he just didn't believe in some of the doctrine, and then he started. He showed up at my grandmother's birthday party on a harley with no shirt on. I'm like, Oh, no, uncle Charlie's gone nuts.
So he went down to Corpus, I think it was, and he started this kind of gospel, according to Charlie Thing. And then it was just a kind of a phase he went through.
But now he still believes in that basic doctrine. And I love him to death. He's one of my favorite people. I'll talk to him all day long, you know, he's a treasure, really is.
And just a sweetheart of a guy, all about love and sweetness.
That's awesome.
His wife died, and I asked him, I said, Did your knowledge of God and Jesus? did that help you with her death? And he goes, Nope, not a bit. It hurt and it hurt, and I hated, and I didn't understand it. I was like, everybody else, you know, didn't even help.
But that's just how honest he is. Wow.
Uncle Charlie.
Isn't it fascinating how much religion's practiced by so many different people in so many different ways? And yet, if someone tried to start a new one right now, good fucking luck, good luck, the Feds would investigate you, right?
Immediately if you start your own religion, if you bought some land out in Bastrop, right? And the Ron White Church.
You're already thinking about doing this, aren't you? You're just putting my name on it.
I know what you're doing, I'm not interested in any of those activities.
I'm not either.
But if you did?
I would get my uncle to come run it.
But you would 100 get investigated.
Oh, yeah, I would.
But if you wanted to open up a Catholic church, if you said you converted to Catholicism and you wanted to open up a Ron White's Catholic church, right? They'd be like, Oh.
With a mission.
Respectable position to take Ron, right. Good for you. Congratulations on converting.
It's hard to get new money.
It is, yeah, you can't be a startup in the religion world.
I think that's what Uncle Charlie found out. You've got to be hooked to a brand of some sort.
You have to be in business with the big guys, you can't. I mean, like scientology, you can get wild and go with them or mormons.
You can get wild and go with them, but if you just want to go straight Christian, you're a very acceptable pathway.
Yeah, and I can get a long way. If you're scientology, that one's really hard for me to swallow, it's hard it is.
It's just difficult.
Let me ask you this, what are the standards? Say, if you wanted to start a church, if you were legitimately committed to the Bible and you became a Bible scholar.
But all you've really done is write science fiction novels. No, no, no.
That's that guy, that's the Scientology guy. But I'm saying, if you wanted to start a church, a Christian church, what would be the requirements? If you just say, you know, I've been studying the Bible for 10 years, I want to teach at a church.
Could you just open up a church? How does that work?
You're asking me this like, I've done it, but I haven't.
I'm trying to get you to do it, that's the next thing I'm trying to get you to do.
Yeah, I know what you're up to. That's how you manipulate people, Joe. That's how they built his empire, by the way.
You look like a Jesus-type figure. What are the requirements, Jamie? If you wanted to start the church of Jamie? Perfect question for ChatgPt. I thought so, I asked ChatgPt. And there are 12 steps.
It gave me 12 steps. Determine your purpose and beliefs Clearly define the purpose and beliefs of your church. This includes your mission, vision and core doctrines.
Two legal structure Choose a legal structure for your church. Options may include becoming a non-profit organization, establishing a religious corporation, or forming a religious association. Consult legal experts to determine the best structure for your situation. Okay, so it seems like you just have to get a legal thing, like some sort of an LLC or something.
Yeah, what you want is the tax-exempt status, and the rest of it doesn't really matter, you get that tax-exempt status. Then you can start hoarding wealth in the name of Jesus Christ, of the latter-day Saints, or whatever. And you can hold all these billions of dollars in real estate holdings, all under that tax-exempt status. If they start, you know, this is the only thing that gets me going is big church, big church. We need to tax big church.
And those pastors, those mega-churches, they need to be looked at under the biggest, brightest light you can look at. Joel Osteen, Fuck you, Osteen. I tried, he said it right here first.
Mattress Max makes a much better to me. If you want an example of how Christ wanted us to live, it would be Mattress Max and not Joel Osteen.
I don't know who Mattress Max is.
Well, he's the guy that bets 10 million bucks on the Astros every year and wins. This is how he got famous. That's Mattress Max right there. During the big floods in Houston just a few years ago. Here's two things that happened Mattress Max. People were literally dying in the street.
Mattress Max owned. These huge furniture stores come up here, he opened them up. Sleep on them couches. I don't care. And I'll find a way to make food for you guys. And I mean, people bringing hot dogs and shit down there, making everybody food and sleep. Just make sure you're comfortable, make sure you're safe.
And look at it, this is it, all these people over at Mattress Max's Furniture store? He brought in everybody he could, but Joel Osteen wouldn't even let them in the door because they just had the carpentry done at his cathedral church. And he didn't want people tracking shit in there.
Did he eventually give in, though, and let people stay there?
I don't think so. I thought he did well. If he did, he did it for the wrong reason, right? Mattress Max did that for the right reason. These people needed to get in and out of the cold and wet and whatever.
There he is, there he is.
He defended, not opening Lakewood Church in Houston to harvey victims. He defended it.
Yeah, yeah, because of that, carpet was just cleaned and look at him.
Bro, that's so crazy. First of all, it's so obvious, like doing something like that is so obvious, you have a private jet, it's so obvious.
You have a mansion, it's so obvious. how much does that watch? This is so obvious, What you're doing is so obvious.
This is nuts. He did eventually correct.
I do see it even weeks after that. Post the super duper rich church guy. It's a fucking crazy thing.
The humble eyes of Jesus. And you know that I could do it, I could totally do it, that would be my calling.
That's what I'm saying, you should do it.
That doesn't mean I should do it.
Yes, listen, if you do it, we'll all join, we'll all get tax-free something, we'll work something out, right?
And it'll just be us.
And that's why you've got many vans.
Can we bring the 11 million people that listen to your show under one umbrella? Come on, guys, come on, get behind this. We don't even know what it is yet, but we're going to let you know.
That's the thing you can never do today, like, imagine trying to start a new country today. Fuck you, we would never let you.
No, uh-uh. never. no, we'd thumb you.
Yeah, get the fuck out of here. It's like you're trying to start a new religion. Uh-uh, nope.
Nope, no new countries, no new religions. we're not hearing it. Religions have to be old as fuck, so they might be true.
Right, or at least have some kind of connection to some really ancient text.
Yeah, or the Scientology one. They just threatened to sue. That was a genius move. What they did was amazing.
They threatened thousands of lawsuits, everyone was going to file a lawsuit.
They're all lawyers, same with those fucking latter-day saints guys, you've got a bunch of lawyers.
You've got to give it up to them. That's pretty ballsy.
Yeah, and you're selling something that's not easy to sell. That story, I mean, none of it is, they're the stories I believe. Well, that's why I wrote that beautiful joke that didn't work the other day about the Christians and the liars. Let me break that down for your listeners.
Because apparently I'm writing my worst stuff right now, because now I can write stuff that nobody will laugh at. Out of 250 people, 250 people don't laugh. But when I was a kid, I was raised in the Baptist Church.
Uncle Charlie, my preacher when I was little. But there was a storybook, it wasn't the Bible, but it was just something we got in Sunday school. And it depicted Christians being fed to the Lions, which always stuck in my craw, that that was a big story, a big deal. I mean, I know we've all been oppressed, but feeding them to the Lions, that's a pretty big deal.
And I really thought it was universal knowledge. So when they were looking for a new name for the Washington commanders, I suggested the Christians.
And I thought about this joke for three days, and I thought about the buildup of laughter it was going to get. And they were going to end up changing the name of the comedy club to Ron White's Mothership because of this one joke and how well it worked. But the way it was going to start, the rumble was going to start. When Detroit comes to town, they're going to make the connections of Detroit Lions, Lions, Christians, my storybook from my childhood.
And that's the rumble of the really hip laughter, because when the Lions get back, that's the next laugh. Was going to be when the Lions meet the Christians on a Plebeian playing field, you know? So none of it got a laugh, none of it worked.
And they stared at me and there was a good crowd too. They were waiting for the next funny thing that I said, and that was it, and I really was expecting it.
I had never been so wrong about a joke.
I think you're just old enough to where you're over that curve, where the Christians and the Lions were more recent than they were.
Yeah, I just don't think everybody got that storybook.
Nobody gets that anymore.
No, I didn't. Well, obviously.
We used to get it, I got it, I got Christians and Lions. Yeah, I got that connection.
I don't think kids get that connection.
But you said you would have told me not to do it, which was a lie, because you would have told me to do it. Because you want me to try new shit.
Always wanted to. I was joking around when I said, I would have told you not to do it.
You would have told me to do it and you would have been wrong.
But you told me a bomb before I even found out about it, and I said I would have told you not to do that.
So, laughably, I laughed so hard at how wrong I was. That's how little.
That's how you fuck around and find out.
And that's the truth.
That's how you, I mean. Bits are fascinating, they change their structure like on stage.
I could do five minutes now on why that joke didn't work, yep, but that would be way more entertaining than the joke ever was. You know, show up Tuesday.
Dude, I was watching a video today of this lion gone wrong situation in a circus.
Whew.
Oh my God, these people. This lion attacked this dude and they're hitting it with a hose, I mean, this guy's getting fucked up by this lion. And they're spraying it with a hose to get it off, that's how they get it off with a water hose.
And he gets away, and then the lion gets him again, and the lion gets him again, and they're water hosed it and they're beating it.
You got footage of this?
Yeah, there's footage of it, it looks like it's Russian.
If you don't find it, Jamie, I'm 99 sure I saved it on my phone because it's so fucked up.
But I'd have to go through it, that would be some dead air.
Russian Hose.
I forget who sent it to me.
You don't edit these things, do you? No, I got it.
The podcast Yeah, no, I want it to be like this, right, right, right.
Yeah, I like a little dead air. This is it, so something happens.
Oh, it's a circus thing.
Yeah, something happens. This lion just decides, e-fucking-nuff.
I mean, this thing just jacks this dude.
Well, that's what happened.
See, they're spraying him with a hose to try to get him off, and this guy got fucked up, I mean, he got fucked up by those lions.
That is so scary to have a thing like that bite you.
Right?
What are you doing in there? Are you fucking crazy?
That's what a Ziegfried and Roy. Ziegfried and Roy.
Ziegfried and Roy.
That happened in that room that I played at the mirage, that was their room, man, that's where that whole thing went down.
Yeah, it dragged him off, bit him by the neck and dragged him off.
In front of a live audience.
This is all a speculation to why it did it, all the speculation no one knows, right?
No one knows it. Just decided I'm going to bite this guy's neck and drag him off. There was a thought that it was afraid of some woman had feathers on her hat in the audience and that it threw him off. And I'm like, Do you really think that fucking tiger is scared of a lady with feathers on her head? That doesn't make any sense.
Yeah, I think it just decided to bite that guy's neck, but I'm not a tiger.
Maybe that guy was being a prick, you know, under the guise of being an animal lover. But at night he was like, going, don't give him the expensive food.
Well, maybe it was probably punishment. It's probably what they do to the tigers to get them to listen, right? You know? Like, what did they do when they were training them? You know, did they ever cross a line where the tiger always remember the time you hurt it?
Right, and then it lashes out at you.
Yeah, I'm going to find a fucking opportunity, I'm going to sit here.
Yeah, you'd think the Tiger is one of its good memories.
It's going to be served cold, baby, it's going to be served cold.
It seemed like, for the most part, they got along with those tigers for a long time, though. That's what's weird.
They lived at their house.
Right, yeah.
Siegfried and Roy, they lived at their house, they were at one with them, they fucking cuddled them and loved on them.
And they do say that tigers when they protect their cubs, that's how they do it. They grab them by the neck and they drag them off. But he's just too frail for it to do that to. it just fucked him up.
Yeah, right, no. And those were big men, big strong men. I mean, these guys were weightlifters and circus people.
Right, but I'm saying.
But nothing compared to that fucking lion.
You're frail, you're not like a cub, a lion cub. Oh no, no, like the way a lion picks up the cub.
It has all the skins, it grabs all that extra skin, you don't have any skin to scratch your fucking neck.
Yeah, it's all vital organs.
It was a shame that he lived a long time as a crippled person.
He did, he lived several years, right? It was just a horrible story, man. And the show was shut down. Because that's the reality of having tigers on a stage in front of a bunch of people.
You just don't know it's just for one reason or another. Some crazy person could stand up and freak out and yell, right, and the thing could just launch itself out.
Is this it? The question is, Oh, don't you show it to me, son of a bitch? I've been trying to find it, I don't.
What could go wrong?
Everything.
You got to ask yourself that question, what could go wrong? because that might.
Oh, wait a minute, you're saying something about his diminishing relationship with that lion or tiger? This is a video from four or five years ago. I was trying to see if it had an answer to all the questions you guys are asking, but it said something about his diminishing relationship with it.
Oh my God, he rode it like a horse. There's speculation from someone, they asked on this.
Yeah, like an ex-employer or something, I think I saw that.
Oh, so, the tiger and him were not getting along, that's again. It's a speculation. This says new allegations about the attack, which is, this would have been like 15 years after the attack even happened. Dude, almost nothing scares me more than animals.
Right?
I'm so scared of them.
That's why, you know, that's why you go out of your way to kill them when you can.
Well, those aren't, I'm not scared of those, although.
You should be boars, don't you hunt boar?
Yeah, I do.
Yeah, those things can kill you, Joe.
They definitely can. yeah, they can. I'm thinking, elk more. The boar thing in Texas is fucking bananas.
I just love it when they catch them all in them cages and then what do they do with them? Can you eat them? Is it just pig meat, right?
Yeah, it's pig meat, it's just pork. Oh, it's really good.
You make really good bacon and shit out of it.
Well.
Why are there any homeless, hungry people? It's a good question if we got those wild boar all over the place.
Wild boar are very good, very good. There's a guy in town, Jesse Griffiths, he owns Dai Due Restaurant, and he's a real Wild game cooking expert and amazing chef.
Yeah, and he has wild boar dishes at his place. He even teaches people how to hunt wild boars, cook them and how to hunt them down, how to fire a rifle. The whole deal takes you through the whole thing.
Kill them.
Fuck in them, eat them, shit them into their commode, fuck with me.
He's like, they're delicious.
Fuck with me.
But it's also it's not just a renewable resource. But you really, we have an obligation to kill them. There's too many.
Yeah, they're fucking up land.
Oh, there's an insane. There's millions and millions of them in Texas, yeah, and they have babies three times a year, Sometimes they can have babies when they're six months old.
Can I tell you a story about a frog? Yeah, I lived on a lake Lake, LBJ in this house, and there was a frog, big bullfrog. And he lived by my pier and I would go out there and I would see him, and he'd always jump in the water.
And but he was, that's where he lived, he was always a big old fat thing. This big, biggest bullfrog. I'd seen and I'd go down there and fish, and then I'd come back there. And then one night he didn't jump, he stayed there.
And I'm like, Oh, he's not afraid of me anymore. And the next night, I brought a net down and I caught him and I killed him and ate him, and I shit him into my toilet. And the other frogs went out and told other frogs, don't go near there because that's what's going on. He's just waiting for you to be still.
He's going to kill you and eat you and shit you into his toilet.
You think they figured that part out?
I think they did. I didn't see any more frogs after that, after the missing of that one frog.
Yeah, I bet if you started feeding them, they'd be hanging around, but if you start killing them....
Yeah, right.
They're probably.
Right?
It's not going to catch on.
Do you think they do a roll call? Try to figure out where everybody is, because some animals do that. Do they really? Yeah, maybe that's what frogs are doing.
They're creak, creak, creak, creak, creak, creak, creak, uh-oh. Where's Toby?
Yeah, what are they doing when they're doing those noises? Those noises are cool as fuck, by the way. Have you ever been by a lake at night and hear frogs making noises? Oh, it's so cool. I hate them.
Really.
We had those little frogs when I lived in Atlanta, you know what we did? We would go. They would bark with a mouth that big on a little frog, barely that big, making this big old, loud noise that bugged the shit out of me. And they were easy to catch.
Because you had a little flashlight, because they don't know that you can see them and they're making all that racket. You can just pick them up, put them in a can and then we would take them. This guy I didn't like, had a pond right behind his house and we'd go dump them all over there. And he's like, I got frogs around here.
They're fucking making all this racket, I don't know, not over at my house, they're not. Yeah, that's one of those little...
This is night music, Ron.
It's not the ones we had, we had ones where....
We just needed to put together a better band.
Yeah, well, they're going to put that band together over at that pond behind that guy's house, because that's where they all live now.
The thing about frogs, like, they're very predatory, like frogs. Have you ever seen frogs in like a cage with mice? It's one of the most disturbing things you'll ever see in your life.
No, I've never seen that.
This is a giant Asian frog. I had it on my Instagram, it's on YouTube, this is giant, some kind of Asian frog. That one, the second one down.
Look.
The yellow where he's yellow, watch this one, this one is fucking insane, this frog's insane, so they put these little rats.
I can't tell if they're mice or rats, those are mice, right, yeah.
Mice, they look like mice.
Okay, so they put these mice in this fucking.
No, those are rats, man, those are little rats. yeah, those are rats, and then they put this giant frog in there with them.
And I don't know why. They're trying to jump and get out, and all of a sudden the frog just decides to start eating them.
I think.
I think they're just trying to get out. But look what he does, he's a monster. This is like a Star Wars monster.
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