Armchair Anonymous: Amusement Park

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So, if you're planning a summer picnic, backyard adventure, or beach day, Jersey Mike's has got you covered. Jersey Mike's, a sub above. Order on the app today or visit jerseymikes.com to learn more. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Rather and I'm joined by Minister Mouse.

I love amusement parks. I used to.

I couldn't have been happier about this. For how much I talk about Cedar Point, the fact that two of our stories comes from Cedar Point.

You guys had an embarrassing showing.

We did.

Here, it was all like Michigan adjacent places, except maybe one of them.

We're proud. You also got to look at volume. Cedar Point's, a monstrous place. Pound for pound, the best amusement park. There's more rides there per square inch than anywhere else in the world.

Well, except, no, Florida has more rides per square inch as a state.

Rides? I don't know. Like. they've got themes. So they've got things that are taking up a bunch of space.

I know.

You know? Anyways, this isn't about Cedar Point, although it kind of is. So yes, this is tell us about a crazy amusement park story. And these were so fun. And you would kind of think that they would make you not want to go to an amusement park.

Really?

Yeah. Did you feel an urge even to go to a water park? There's some water parks.

I felt an urge to go to Disneyland.

Yeah, yeah.

But I am, well, I say I'm done with roller coasters. Me too. But then we did Space Mountain and it was super fun.

That's fine. I've just really hit a tolerance limit. Like I can't do a bunch of twisties and shit. Me too. But I'm pretty certain I could go ride the Gemini a couple dozen times in a row.

And is that twisties?

That's my favorite. No, that's like, that. for a long time was the biggest wooden roller coaster ever. Okay. And that was the big boy when I grew up going there as a child.

I loved the loop-de-loops. You did. I did. And it's sad that I can't hold my own anymore.

No, me either. Yeah.

Age.

Anyways, please enjoy Crazy Amusement Park Stories.

I actually first heard that song sitting in my older brother's car while he was driving me to school. And I was like, I don't think I'm supposed to be hearing this.

You know what's funny, Nikki? My mother was so lax when it came to like sexual stuff. But I bought that Prince tape when I was like nine or ten. My brother actually told my mom, I think that tape's too much for him. She looked at the lyrics and she said I couldn't have it.

Wait, what kind of lyrics?

Well, I knew a girl named Nikki. I guess you could say she was a sex fiend. Met her in a hotel lobby, masturbate into a magazine. And then there was a song called Blow Me.

Yeah, okay, wow.

How old are you?

I am 37 years old. I like to say 27,, but 37 years old.

Okay, so yeah, you weren't even alive when that song came out.

No, but I have two older brothers who are 14 and 12 years older than me. So I was raised on their music.

It sounds like you're also from the state Prince was from.

That's incorrect.

That, or northern Wisconsin? Minnesota. Michigan, how far north are you?

Mid-Michigan, a little town called Pinconne. Test your Michigan knowledge there. We're about 40 minutes north of Saginaw.

Oh, okay, great. Nikki, so nice to meet you. And you have an amusement park story. And so, now that I know where you're from, I feel like it's going to be Boblo Island or Cedar Point.

Cedar Point, definitely. So this happened in about 2013.. My then boyfriend, now husband, was with me and we were with another couple. We went during our favorite time, which is the hollow weekends in October. Freezing cold, rainy, terrible conditions, but so much fun.

Oh boy.

And it was like someone put saran wrap around my face. Like it suctioned, because I think of the wetness and the sheer force of it. It saran wrapped around my face, so I was suffocating. And I was sheer panicked and I was trying to get my boyfriend's attention, but he thought I was just like yelling and screaming. I was so excited about the ride.

You didn't get it off until it was done?

No, until it slowed down, because I was just panicked.

I couldn't grasp the right parts of it.

And were you, I imagine having a hard time breathing? Yes.

And I don't know if that was just from me panicking or if it was that close to my mouth, but the whole time I was like, I'm going to die on a roller coaster because I suffocated. Oh my God.

That's actually fucking terrifying. It's like having a plastic shopping bag shoved over your head and then held tight.

It's kind of common for dogs to like suffocate in bags like that.

Because they sniff around where the food was?

Yeah, and then it gets sucked in or like chip bags and stuff. It happens. I know. Cautionary tale.

Yes, cautionary tale.

When it's rainy and windy, make sure that your ponchos are locked in. And, of course, now my biggest regret is at the time when they take the picture, the picture is of my husband like having the time of his life and me with a bag wrapped around my head. And I wish now I would have let him purchase it. Yeah.

Oh, you did it.

I did it because I was so upset and so angry.

I was just like, no, I was just walking away.

And he's like, I'm sorry.

Now looking back, of course, I wish I had that picture.

Honestly, that might be the first picture we would have posted for Armchair Anonymous, because everything stays anonymous. But you would have this big poncho over your face. You'd still be an anonymous. Oh, my gosh. Oh, I'm so bummed for you that you don't have that photo.

No.

Breaks his nose. No. When he comes back. And there's so many cameras there to capture Fabio.

Is there blood everywhere?

Oh, there's blood everywhere. There's feathers. It's terrible.

I never even thought about that. I'm sure there's a lot of, maybe we'll hear one, a bird incident.

Sure. I'm sure that happens a lot.

A broken nose would be way worse than just being suffocated for 30 seconds.

I don't know, though. I mean, you basically were waterboarded. Like there's nothing scarier than not breathing for 30 seconds.

So many of our Armchair Anonymous stories have to do with a boyfriend or husband. Laughing and not acting.

That seems to be a theme. Yeah. It really does. I would have laughed really hard too. But I would have also been pulling it off your face.

I know a lot of people would have like the matching t-shirts as a group. Like they do at Disney and stuff. But not necessarily matching couples.

Oh, I'm talking more couples. Yeah. But I never really had the chance to go and dress identically to my mate.

We were dressed identically, in the sense that everyone had big winter coats on.

Sure, sure.

Sure, sure. You would dress for success.

And do people go in full costume?

Yes. There are people that do that.

Yeah. So I imagine, if you're working at Cedar Point on one of the rides, you're like trying to make some judgment calls. Well, no, that's dangerous. That could fly off at 80 miles an hour.

Pieces of costume and stuff.

Yeah. It seems like they would almost...

It'd be a rule.

Outlaw excessive costuming.

Well, maybe after this story, they will. Yeah.

I hope not. Because I bet those people really like getting in their werewolf costumes.

Yeah, but we don't want any suffocation.

The next ride. right after that too, there was just mayhem happening all over. Because we went on another roller coaster right after. And as soon as it's done, we heard the person behind us start screaming. Kind of like the bird situation.

And the people behind us are like, something hit me.

I applaud Cedar Point for just marching ahead through this inclement weather. People's phones are slippery and sliding out. People are getting suffocated. And they're like, the show must go on at Cedar Point. Wow.

I wanted to ask something that's been bugging me of a story of yours. when you were in Michigan last year. Do you remember when you guys were going to go tubing, there was just crazy racial signs and it was a real shady looking area?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I live near a couple of those places where you can go tubing. Do you remember if it was either the Ausable River or the Rifle River that you guys were at?

Let me glance really quick at my map.

We were all discussing it at work, taking bets on what area you were from the signage and terrible postings around it.

But have you seen such signage? Does that ring a bell?

I've seen them. Yes, they definitely ring a bell. And I was hoping to tell you that not everyone in those areas posts signs like that and are not on board with that.

Yeah, I didn't assume as much. I can't find it. I wonder if Aaron would remember. We were really scattywampus. We were filming shit and we were trying to squeeze that in.

I promised I would ask to settle our debate at work.

Well, why don't you text, Aaron? and then, hopefully by the end of the episode...

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

...he'll have an answer.

Yeah. And then, yeah, you can listen in. I'm pretty pessimistic, that he'll remember. But at any rate, okay. Nikki, thank you.

Absolutely not. We love it. It's our summer fun usually.

All right. Well, be well. Bye. And my love to all you inishiganders.

Thank you so much.

All right.

It was so nice meeting you. Bye-bye. I took pictures of that racist signage.

Maybe it says it on there.

Ooh, that's an interesting clue. Hello.

Hello.

Where are you, Megan?

I am in Indianapolis, Indiana.

Oh, sure. Indy.

Monica, you're so cute. You're so little.

Oh, thank you.

I think I do look extra small today because it's my brown sweater on the brown leather.

Oh, okay. That's the explanation?

Yeah, that means you shrank.

So, Megan, where did your amusement park disaster story take place? Where do people in Indianapolis go for an amusement park?

That's a great question. I do want to say one thing. I have been in love with you since you told me the law school at Costco.

Oh, so you're kind of in love with Frito.

Oh, I was like, when did you say that? I was like, I remember most of the crazy things you say, but I did not.

I've made a lot of claims. You have. Oh, that's funny.

He was a legacy.

And would you prosecute anything? Are you doing a specific subset of prosecution?

I actually worked in Marion County for a while, which is Indianapolis. And we had specialties. But then in Columbus, it's a lot smaller. So we have to do everything. I've been doing it for 18 years.

Okay.

Violent felons, burglaries, property crimes, sex offenses, all those types of things.

I'm surprised you haven't responded to previous prompts. You must have a katrillion stories.

I have a few. My husband does too. He's a detective.

Oh my God. Do you think interacting so often with a percentage of the population that's committing crimes, do you think it's had any impact on your overall view of mankind?

I think that it probably could for most people that stay in the position. But I generally look at the world with rose colored glasses. I look at property crimes and violent crimes a lot different than drug crimes, methamphetamine, heroin, fentanyl. I'm a prosecutor who will do whatever I can to help you with these addiction issues moving forward, because I want to keep you out of the system. So I try to always see the best in people.

Yeah.

That's good.

That's nice. Yeah. Okay. So you had an amusement park story. I was asking you, where do people in Indianapolis go for amusement?

My story takes place at Kings Island, which is in Cincinnati.

Home of the Beast for a decade had the fastest roller coaster in the world.

I think they had to shut that down. I haven't been in a while. I think they did. I think someone was injured.

Maybe they'll call in.

I rode it as a kid and what's great is it would hit that top speed, which, by the way, back then was like 60.. I think that thing went 60 miles an hour, but it went 60 as it was kind of spiraling down into the ground in a tunnel. It was such an exciting ride.

Yes. And it was wood. So just kind of shake you and then you'd have bruises for the next five weeks or so.

You earned it.

When I was growing up, my dad was a railroad conductor. So our vacations would take place amusement parks or camping in Myrtle Beach. Last night I talked to my father, my brother and sister, because I have to preface by saying, I need to look at their recollections and mine, because this took place in the early nineties.

And as a prosecutor, you know how useless human's memories are, right? You deal with this daily, which, like four people, have a completely different memory of the same event. Eyewitness testimony. Not that great. It's crazy.

But this was probably 1990.. My dad had planned a trip for us, or probably my mom, if I'm being realistic, had planned a trip for us to go to Kings Island. So exciting. I mean, I'm just thinking elephant ears, funnel cake, fruity drinks and those Flintstones.

Did they do deep fried cheese there? Cheese on a stick?

I don't remember that. I was more into, like the donut type stuff.

Sure, the funnel options.

So good. And so I remember walking through those gates, 10 or 11 years old. I've got my older sister, younger brother, my dad, my mom. And I think we went on one ride, like maybe the scrambler. And then my sister wanted to go on.

Potato sack, yeah. And it has like lumps along the way as you're going down.

Exactly.

And it was fiberglass, and it burn your skin and give you blisters and shit.

I think you've been on one before.

Yes, yes.

My brother was very young, so he went with my mother. I had my own potato sack. And then my sister and my dad. We're really excited. It's a nice hot day.

Oh, my God. What?

Wait.

I thought you were hitting your brow ridge. And then that cut like a boxer. But your eyelid.

Yes, my eyelid hit. We're not sure if it was maybe a screw or a bolt.

Oh, my God.

How do any of these amusement parks? Yeah, I wonder what the liability policy actually looks like. I mean, oh my God.

It's the 90s. So they're just like, so my story gets better about what they did and did not do.

Okay, okay, okay. So you make impact. Can you feel immediately there's trouble? Or are you unaware of what just happened?

I am unaware. And I kind of stop and I look down and there's blood everywhere. All down my shirt.

What if you saw your eyelid just like on your knee?

Like a foreskin that's been just cut off by a moil.

So what I recall, I look up and I see my mother running towards me screaming. She's yelling blood. Someone's yelling, get some ice, I think. I think they're yelling this because, from what I'm told later on, like a piece of my eyelid is still there.

Oh, up on the slide or dangling. Oh, on the slide.

Yes, it's on the side like a piece of it. And so they had to put it in ice and then give it to us to go to the hospital.

Oh, my God.

So I recall the inner part right there. I sent a picture in yesterday because I had a lovely picture of it in my scrapbook. So I'm going down the slide. I remember that happened. And then, minutes later, a little golf cart pulls up, puts the whole family in there and takes us to their little emergency place.

OK, you turn left when you see the big oak tree.

He did not call an ambulance. My mom's screaming. My dad's yelling. And it's just pandemonium. And so they take the golf cart.

Have you at all been blinking and realizing, oh, when I blink, I can still see light?

I do not recollect that. My mom was holding something over this eye, so I couldn't tell. We get to the hospital. I go in and they stitch me up and they are able to reattach my eyelid. There's a thin line that's right there.

I'm shocked that that took.

I am too.

That you didn't reject or it hadn't died enough on the ride. It had been on the fucking public slide. I mean, there's so many reasons why that should have worked. Or minimally, it would look like you have a huge weld across your eyelid, which is not the case either.

Yes, I talked to my brother yesterday and he was really young. He's probably four or five. And he said, I just remember being on a golf cart. And then my sister said, I remember that the day was ruined. The second ride, we had to go to the hospital all day.

Still resentful.

She said that they got everything from the vending machine that my dad was trying to make up for it. Now, my dad is the best. In his 70s, he's just hilarious. So I called him and I said, Dad, do you remember anything from that day? Like, I sure do.

Sure.

I said, I don't know if I believe that. I don't know. He said they did. No, they took it out. It was like nail polish and they were rubbing on.

I totally believe it. Medicinal cocaine. The Germans had perfected it, made it 100% pure. And it was used as a local anesthetic. So it numbs whatever it goes on top of.

In Ohio? At the hospital in 1990?.

I think that's possible. Yeah.

It would be a weird thing for him to make up.

And I know they use cocaine as a local anesthetic. So I'm leaning towards believing your father.

I don't think he has any reason to make that up. And I'm like, yeah, I don't know if that's true. Like, oh, it is. I remember because I was concerned that maybe drugs might become an issue.

You're going to get addicted to cocaine from these drops on your eyes. Mind you, they also gave you morphine, or something, probably too. But he wasn't worried about that.

My mom passed away in 97.. So I wasn't able to talk with her. He said that she was just yelling that she wanted a plastic surgeon. Because I was going to have a droopy eye. Yeah, sure.

Of course. You're just your looks. That's all we cared about in the 90s. And then, what was the response from the theme park?

So someone showed up from the theme park. And they gave me a pink t-shirt with my name embroidered over the chest.

Not even a season pass? No.

They offered tickets to come back the next day. No.

My mom was like, we're not coming back.

Like, we're in the hospital.

Well, she wants to stop buying her the other eyelid just to make everything. even. Here's some tickets. I texted you the photo.

My dad's railroad insurance paid for all the medical bills. Kings Island did not pay for anything. I got a pink t-shirt. God.

OK, so we just got the photo. And I can confirm that, yeah, you clearly have some major eyelid damage. You look happy, though, if I'm being honest.

Do you see the t-shirt that has Megan down in the corner?

Oh, that's the shirt. So you were pretty pumped.

Wow, that's great.

Oh, my God, you'll wish this shirt said, I got my eyelid ripped off at Kings Island and all I got was this stupid shirt. That's what this shirt should have said. It should have. Oh, Megan, that was great. I'm glad that you have healed up so nicely.

Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it.

Yeah, us too. That was really fun. Have a great day and thanks for telling us that. OK, you too. Bye-bye.

Like a nail or...

I've had some major skin rips on those fiberglass... Have you been down one of those slides? When you go on the potato sack?

I can't remember.

There's a wild one on Belle Isle. There's a lot of viral videos. It's the most dangerous thing in the world. It's just a public... Like, there's not even someone monitoring it yet.

Yeah, I like that. Have you heard? the one, comparison is the thief of joy?

Yes.

That's a good one too.

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Hello.

Hi, Connor. How are you?

I'm fabulous.

You live in a cold climate, I see. There's lots of winter jackets behind you.

Cleveland, Ohio.

Oh, wonderful. We are in the Midwest today. Our first call was in Michigan. Our second was in Indy, and now we're in Columbus, Ohio.

I love that.

Yes, the tri-state area.

The chair you're sitting on is very Midwest.

Thank you so much, yes. Monica, you know, she's got her misgivings about this chair, but yeah, I think if you're from the tri-state area, this looks very much like something your grandma would wear.

I thought the tri-state area was New York, New Jersey.

I think you can call any three states the tri-state area.

Yeah, I think that's probably right. They're all the same place.

They are, right? We try to act like there's some difference, but when I'm in Ohio, I'm like, if you told me it was Michigan, of course it is. Cleveland is very similar to Detroit, in my opinion.

It is, and my boyfriend's actually from Detroit.

He feels at home in Cleveland, I bet.

Yeah, they're like the same city.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, so, then clearly, your story is going to take place at Cedar Point.

Of course it is. Wow, two Cedar Points.

This is a real feather in the cap.

I mean, look, I have to say, not boating well for your tri-state area, that all of these bad stories,

because there's a lot of amusement parks in the South and in Florida,

and so far we haven't had any of those.

I take pride in that. Do you, Connor? I like that.

Oh, absolutely. I like a little controversy that comes along with an amusement park.

Amusement park you go to, you don't want to see a sign that's like, voted America's safest amusement park, because then you're like, well, this is going to be boring.

100 percent. And, you know, we're also known for our state fairs in Ohio, which are notoriously dangerous, so I just like the danger all the way around.

That's the thing, is, if you're comparing the safety record to any of these amusement parks, to fucking state fairs that roll through town, I mean, those things are truly Russian roulette.

They really are.

So walk us through it. What year? What was the scene? What happened?

So mine actually takes place at the water park. Oh my God.

I hope it's E. coli.

Oh, it's not E. coli.

It was 1999.. That was about eight years old. And we used to go to Cedar Point all the time. I'm an hour away. And when I was younger, we'd go up there for the weekend and stay at the Breakers Hotel.

Okay, I never got to stay at a hotel there. I always wanted to, because you could see them from the top of the Silver Streak. But I'm before the water park. So I've never been to the water park. Is it spectacular?

It's okay. It's actually kind of a letdown. considering it's Cedar Point. We would feel very, very bougie. Like I grew up in kind of just middle class.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

On this day, it was really, really packed. I was with my mom. I have a little brother and my dad. And it would always be us four who go. I rode roller coasters from a young age, starting at Geauga Lake, which is in Aurora, Ohio, which was later Six Flags and now closed.

Ooh, I love those.

They're so fun. Like one of the donut tubes.

Can we just take one second? To me, the scariest part of these water parks is the wet staircase. you're climbing up into the sky. Like the slide is nothing. It's that crazy staircase.

There's so much bumping.

Yeah, you think you're going to fall backwards down a wet cement staircase.

Such a universal experience.

It's just like the most American thing.

It is. Oh, my God.

We got to send David to a water park. Oh my God.

I would love that.

Yeah, okay.

Send him to kind of like a half abandoned water park in like the middle of Florida or something. So yeah, so my mom, probably begrudgingly, lets me go up to the top of the slide. They use a red light, green light system. So there's the stoplight at the top and then I'm assuming some lifeguard at the bottom presses a button and it gives you a green light, and that's how you know to go. Right.

Oh. That seems like the time you'd most want to use it, but continue.

So none of it makes sense. I'm like eight years old. I probably weigh a hundred pounds, very small. And I get in my tube and off I go down the slide and this side is open and then there's parts of it that are like pitch black and closed in like a tube. So when you're going through those, you can't see where you're going.

Oh, my God.

It's not just like a little water slide at like a hotel. It's like a big water slide.

You're going 25, 30 miles an hour down this thing.

100% and I'm freaking out. I later through context clues, like how did I get stuck? It's because my little butt, at the time I was so little, wasn't reaching the water underneath.

Right, it wasn't concaving the tube enough and it's just riding on the sides of the dry tube.

Height requirement, weight requirement. Those were obviously out the window. It's the late nineties. Like no one really cared about anything.

And Connor, I have a nine and a 10 year old. Let me just say, you weren't a hundred pounds. You were 60 pounds. That's what an eight year old weighs. Exactly.

No one thought anything of it. They're like, yeah, enjoy yourself, go down. So I'm stuck in the middle of the slide and I'm obviously yelling, screaming. I cannot get myself unstuck. All of a sudden I feel and can like hear the water rushing underneath me.

A wrestler from WWE.

It's barreling down the slide.

Oh my God. This is so stressful.

She sees this man come out. I am underneath him in the water. Passed out? No, I wasn't passed out. I was just like underneath him.

Oh, my God.

A little, tiny child.

Yeah. He was using me as a tube. So, to give you a little background of what my mom was like, half Italian, half Irish, take control. Don't fuck with me kind of woman. She wore the pants in the family.

But he knows you are.

Yes. Because we locked eyes before he ran into me.

Disaster is eminent.

So they get me out from underneath him. My back's like all red and scratchy.

Those tubes are connected. They're modular. And every place they connect it, there's a seam. And that always scratches you. And that's why you're on an inner tube instead of going down raw dog.

I'm surprised you survived this.

As raw dog as they come. And not the fun kind of raw dog. Right, right.

Not the intimate kind.

When I was telling my boyfriend that I was going to be on the show, I did tell him that I would make the joke that it wouldn't be the last time. I was underneath a really big man.

You might be reenacting that trauma.

I have considered that. Anyway, so my mom gets me out from underneath him, the guy and his mother, for some reason, he was with his mom. What?

Oh, no. Oh, this is getting so weird.

This is very Ohio.

It's the most Ohio thing in the world. He's apologizing. Like he feels horrible. My mom is in the lifeguard's face. They told us they weren't using the system that day.

My God.

You'd think they'd want some hush money.

Well, to comfort you, though, Connor, the last person we talked to lost her eyelid on one of those slides, and they gave her a fucking shirt. They gave her a shirt with her name on it. They didn't even give her a season's pass.

Yeah, I think we're under the assumption now that Cedar Point, considering their most recent scandal with what happened with Top Thrill Dragster, I just don't think they care very much.

What happened there?

What happened?

Oh, that's why they rebuilt the ride and they're opening it new this year, Top Thrill 2, because a piece fell off and hit someone in the head and almost killed him.

Oh, my God. Okay, well, these things are going to happen.

So they closed it down and now it has a launch track on the back too, and it's opening this year.

Oh, exciting. Will you be first one on?

I don't know first one, but I'll be there.

Okay, okay, that's great. I do wonder if there's a chart in back in the break room that says like, drown by big guy, snacks. You know, all the way up to like, I wonder if, like, lose a limb and season's pass for three. Yes, exactly.

It's one of those scenarios where I like, does this guy tell this story to everyone that he encounters too? Or is this just something I tell?

Maybe he's a listener or maybe his mom is. Well, Connor, this has been delightful. God, did it. take me back to Cedar point, the clientele. It's hysterical.

That's what you do. It's just the bougie thing to do.

We lived in Detroit and we never spent the night. You had a two and a half hour car ride after your full day at the park, with my grandpa falling asleep and rubbing spit in his eyes to stay awake and drinking coffee.

I think that was the best vacation we could take without my parents having to spend like, a large amount of time with us in a car. Yeah. So, like, we're just going to do this this way.

Yeah, it's almost a staycation, I guess.

Of sorts. Yeah.

All right. Well, Connor, this has been delightful. It's so fun meeting you.

I do want to say one thing real quick, Dex. I've been listening to you for a while. I'm also a friend of Bill W. Oh! If I make it till tomorrow, I'll have six years clean and sober.

Congratulations!

So I thought it was such a crazy happenstance. But real quick to my boyfriend's listener and he wants to say hi.

Of course, get him in here. Hello! Hey guys. Hello!

I'm a relatively new listener.

Welcome.

We appreciate it.

Your muscularity is very appealing. You've got a very strong, sturdy look.

That's a good adjective, sturdy.

I'm going to use that. That's how the gays do it, Dex.

And where are you from? Oh, I know. I'm just one click away. Where are you from? in Michigan?

I didn't even know. you could say that.

Yeah, none of us Michiganders. Our parents didn't let us know that there were hotels. Well, it's nice meeting both of you. It's such a delight. All right.

Thought that was going to be a cute.

Between me and Connor?

No, the eight-year-old and us. Oh!

He was with his mom.

Um, no. I don't know anyone that I know in the South going to water parks with their moms.

Was the mom watching the boy come down? the thing? I'm sure.

Yeah, water parks. I'm surprised there aren't more.

Well, maybe Danielle will be a...

E. coli.

Yeah.

Here's Danielle.

You're hot for E. coli.

Hello.

Hello.

Uh-oh.

We're happy. computers barely hear you, for some reason.

Uh-oh. Hold on.

We're gonna need Rob to intervene. What's your theory on why we can barely hear? Do you ship headphones? Do you have headphones in?

I don't. Is that not gonna work?

It makes the audio tricky. Is there anyone you think might have earbuds that you could borrow?

Unfortunately, everyone's teaching right now.

I'm at my school. Okay. We'll get what we can get. Where are you teaching?

I'm in Fairfax, Virginia. Okay.

We've had three Midwests in a row, and I'm glad we've gone over to Virginia. It's not like we went to California or...

But we don't know where the actual amusement park is.

That's true. We don't know.

Well, it's actually near Buffalo, which is where I'm originally from.

Okay. What was the big amusement park there?

Darien Lake. Like a Six Flags.

Was it good size? Have you been to other amusement parks? How does it compare?

I would say it's smaller than a Cedar Point, but it's got all the things. It has a water park. It has the regular park.

Okay. You've been to Cedar Point, though? I have. Well, wonderful, because two of our three stories so far took place at Cedar Point. Oh, that's so funny.

So this was about 16 years ago. I was 14 years old.

Okay.

My dad's work every year had a family fun day. So we all went, and he said, bring a friend. So I brought my friend, Mariah. And he goes, you're old enough. You guys can go around, have fun.

Is that your first time ever being on your own at an amusement park?

Yes, it was the first time alone.

And this is eighth grade, so you're on the scan for boys every five seconds?

Kind of. But we were also goody two-shoes, so maybe too nervous to talk to the boys, but definitely had our eyes peeled.

My favorite part of going in junior high was, all you were doing is looking in line. Like, is there a cute girl? And then, if you were in the frame, oh my God, look how hot that girl is. And every time you came through the turnstile, you tried to make eye contact. It was so fun.

I mean, those were the days. And it was hot out. So we're like, let's go to the water park first thing, cool off, and then we'll do all the rides. So I'm wearing a one-piece, which is crucial. We go in, and I said, let's go in the wave pool.

Oh, boy. And what's old? Like, what do we think? Is this a 70-year-old or a 50-year-old or a 30-year-old?

Probably 70.. Oh. I was just kind of like, not so fun anymore. I tried to prove my point. I'll get out.

Because, just to remind people who have not been to a wave pool, this happens a lot. In fact, Monica and I were just in India talking about wave pools and how I think they were kind of the scariest thing I ever did as a kid. Because when you got to the deep end, it was like, and they would blow that whistle and everyone had to get out. Someone was drowning every 45 minutes.

Exactly. So. that's what I thought. It's probably just a safety check. Let's go.

I think I might get my wish.

It was overwhelming. And we were like, that's nasty. Let's go.

But you were by your locker. So you're by the bathrooms as well, maybe?

Right. We're kind of in that space where you can collect your things before you head out to the main park. So we threw our clothes on over our bathing suits. Now, I was wearing my bathing suit as clothes. It had a skirt attachment.

So I'm like, what is going on?

Now, if Mariah were here, this is where she would pipe in and say, Danielle smelled so bad. And everybody was looking at us. Oh, my God.

I pray this is going where I think it's going.

And so I'm just annoyed with her because she's acting weird. We go to like one of those indoor Cirque de Soleil kind of 30 minute warehouse shows. And I mean, it's packed in there. And there's just a circle of empty seats around us.

Oh, my God.

Poor Mariah.

She's not a good friend.

Yeah, a really good friend.

Or a bad friend. I can't. No, good friend.

So her thought is either Danielle crapped herself. And she knows it. And she's lying about it. Which she doesn't know what to do about that.

Right, right. You join your delusion or be a good friend and keep up this lie.

Her other thought is, I don't know. But she also doesn't really know what to do about that situation. Yeah.

It's a lot for a 14 year old to figure out.

We're in there for 30 minutes inside with all these people. And afterward, when we come out, you know, it's been about six hours since we've been in the water park.

Sure. So I go in there.

And if you remember, I'm wearing a one piece. So I like had to pull the whole thing down.

What color is the one piece?

It was floral.

Oh, that's helpful. Okay.

Inside of the suit and all over my torso.

My body was poop. Covered in it. Diarrhea.

Smeared everywhere.

But it's not fine.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I knew.

Wait, it's not yours?

No, wave pool. But there's poops always in wave pools.

But how the fuck did it get up inside your one piece?

Because she was floating in the wave pool. The theory is that it like came down through like the top of my bathing suit.

Entered through the cleavage and landed on the torso.

Yes. And I see it. It's everywhere.

You're covered in shit.

Covered. And I just cried. But it's the end of the day at a Six Flags. So there's no toilet paper. None of the sinks are working.

Also, how are you going to clean your torso in a sink?

I had to put the suit back on because I didn't have any clothes.

This is a true nightmare.