Flula Borg Returns

Can I short-circuit this a little bit? Please? Everyone does this all the time. I really want to know what you have to say about this question. Doodly, bawly bum dee, boodly boo.

You mean, how do I feel about you being my friend?

My name is Conan.

Oh, I see.

Doodly bawly, boodly, bawly blum.

My name is Conan O'Brien and I.

Beelum Boolum, Boolum Bloom.

And I feel, uh, you know, okay, about being Flula Borg's friend.

This is wonderful news, thank you very much. Conan auf Wiedersehen Loo Dee boo Bum Dee dee doo, Schnanzi Pan Pam Lempi doo.

Hey there, welcome to Conan. O'Brien needs a friend, joined, as always, by Sona Mofessian. How are you, Sona?

I'm okay, but I'm worried about Sona. Yeah, what is that?

What did I say? Because if I say a one-word answer, it's like, not enough. So I thought I'd zhuzh it up a little. Oh, that's you zhuzhing it up, yeah.

Okay.

Appreciate it, I really do appreciate it. Why do you? You're not going to be that cordial? You have a very powerful, sophisticated microphone inches from your mouth, and you're constantly yelling, Eduardo? Is her volume an issue?

You can't even do it.

You can't even do it, you can't even whisper. You know what would be so funny if you were in any kind of job that required you to whisper and you couldn't do it? Librarian?

But, you know, you're pretty loud, too. In fact, I've got my headphones turned down really low, to the point where it's mostly like a mix of the outside sound. And then both of you, because you yell a lot, too.

Oh, okay, the term we like to use. Conan, you're very dynamic. Oh okay. I think I have a great performance, energy, that has been a hallmark of my career.

You know what I mean?

They learn English, we mostly speak to them in Armenian, and then they watch TV and stuff, right, yeah.

Grow a pair.

Who tells their little boys to grow a pair? First of all, they need to grow two pair. They don't each get one testicle. Hey guys, grow a pair, what?

All right.

All right, well, we just got to peek into your world. Did no one speak Gaelic in your house?

Isn't old Irish just called Irish? right? Am I wrong? is Gaelic Scottish?

No Gaelic is.

Oh, then I'll cut that. I look like a fool. No, you have to keep that in. No, I don't because you are Irish.

And a fool? Yeah, but no, you got to keep that in. No. Gaelic is the old language of that island, of that particular island.

Does your family speak Gaelic?

Of course not.

And Jesus Christ, Jesus Mary and Joseph.

And it was constantly the response to everything, and I think that that's I thought that that was a Catholic thing. And then I knew that when I first started working with Robert Smigel, he'd be like, Oh, Jesus Christ, what are we going to do?

Yeah, hello.

The greatest fool of all time. Okay, you bring me constant joy and you're a tonic. I bring you. This is like,....

Oh, you want me to say a German word? say it, a sauna, a Schleisenshause? Yeah, that's a delicious word.

That you sit in and it's a tonic, right, yeah.

You just soak it up, you ingest it, it enters into all of your pores, and then you just want to shake.

Yes, yes, so that is what you are for me, because whenever you're around, I'm instantly happy. I came in, I was in a bad mood today.

I saw it, Yes, I saw it.

Yeah, and I got to go, you know, the world's in bad shape. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know. oh my God, look at this body I've been cursed with.

Oh, stop it, Conan, it's on fire, it's delicious, I know.

Oh, I meant, it's a curse to have this body.

I agree, everyone's like, why not me?

Men want to be me, women want to be with me.

It exists.

And I was so happy because you make me happy.

Thank you as well, Conan, you make me also happy and I'm saying to you also, you are welcome for not having to play the Jack White music as I provided it for you with my mouth.

That's right. I think from now on, we would save a lot of money if we didn't play the Jack White song and we had you do it instead.

Sorry, Jack. I think we're actually going to cost us more money because now there's an extra usage of the music in the episode.

Oh, right, because you're using the same tune, that's the problem, you German fool.

I apologize.

No, what we need to do is change the lyrics and the tune.

No, that's Conan. O'Brien braucht ein Freund.

That's very good, one of the great marching tunes of all time.

Everyone, all the Susas, love that.

Yes.

But not Cousin Susa.

Oh my God, you missed out. What a couple of weeks ago, sitting in the very chair you're sitting in now. Arnold Schwarzenegger was here.

Why did you not notify me via Telegram?

Well, I sent you a sausage gram.

Oh, I never received those. My neighbor Charles always eats those.

No, he was sitting in the very chair and it's so funny because I would think he'd be one of your heroes, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's my carbohydrates fitness protein hero. Yes, Golly and Werner Herzog was here as well. At the same time. They were sitting piggyback.

No, no, no, no, no, yes. Herzog sat on Schwarzenegger's lap and acted like his ventriloquist dummy. Oh okay. So Arnold was saying things like, Well, you seem to be pretty happy today, Werner, and then the little....

How did they control each other's mandibles? Where were the hands inserted?

You don't want to know. I think Arnold had his hand right up Werner Herzog's ass.

Oh, is it the anus? Yeah, yeah, that's the most natural pose.

Ass is fine, you don't have to go to anus.

Okay.

My point is.

That's very true. Yes, both of those guys are legends.

Yeah, and now you complete the trifecta.

Oh, it's the three of us. Yeah, we can make it if we try.

Well, I'm just saying, there's Schwarzenegger, there's Herzog, and then there's Borg. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, the Expendables Deutsche version.

Yes.

Brought to you by Porsche, natürlich the greatest machine. Hallo, you and I. I want to let our listeners know that you and I have been friends for a long time.

It's absolutely accurate.

You would come on my show and bring me absolute delight, you would make me laugh like a schoolchild.

I love the schoolchildren giggle a lot.

Yes, they giggle. I was a little you would reduce me to a little Bavarian schoolboy chuckling as I licked my Marzipan.

I knew you would say Marzipan.

I knew you.

Oh, that's like a lipton iced tea poured over your eyebrows.

Well, okay, that's just stupid.

Yeah, it is. Yeah, welcome to me, Conan.

Welcome to you. How have you been? First of all, Flula, I did embrace you out in the hallway. Yes, and you are made of pure mahogany.

Lots of pledge being sprayed all over my shoulders.

No, no, I didn't mean you're being waxed down like mahogany. I mean you are rock hard. Oh okay. no, no, no, I didn't mean anything dirty or sexual.

Like an awkward lego. Yeah, yes, yes, yes, yes, Conan, I am bored.

Yes, I have.

Yeah, yeah. So when this occurs, I just take things that weigh more than me and I put them up and down and up and down.

Up and down and up and down.

Yeah, the gravity.

Yes, and so you do a lot of working out, I know you have a trainer, we've talked about this before.

I've trained Paolo, he's Italian, I don't understand him, he doesn't understand me. It's a very confusing United Nations.

Well, the important thing is you and your Italian trainer get along.

We do.

And is he really responsible for you being in this shape?

Absolutely, I'm an idiot. Conan. As you have learned, I don't know what to ingest and what to outgest. I heard that you also like bicycles.

I like bicycles. Yes, yes, yes, I like to look at them. I don't like to. I've never gotten on one.

Is this a fact?

No, it's a lie. I was making what we in America call a joke. I think you call it a laubenschlügel, laubenschlügel.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So i.

Oh, great, just like the Queen song, yeah.

Yes, I like to.

Yes.

A shout out to my friend, Brad told me.

What about the people that have been inadvertently struck by trucks?

Oh, yes, he did say, I mean, I remember Brad saying this.

With the exception.

Of those who've been killed riding a bike, Yes, of course.

He did say that it's a small exception, but it was Brad Pitt, it was Brad Pitt, correct?

Yeah, I don't like to get it out there that I ride regularly with Brad Pitt.

Yes, yes.

But I ride regularly with Brad Pitt.

Wow, yes, yes.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith, not just a couple of us, a couple of us triple a-listers.

Has there been a reboot?

No, there was not a reboot. Oh no, they made a movie.

Yeah, they made a couple movies, yeah.

Anyway, what I'm saying is.

Yes.

Someone like me who's in the highest, highest, highest echelons.

Single-digit IMDB Yes.

I just.

It's like Forrest Gump, except you're riding a bicycle and the people following are also celebrities. Yes, yes, thank you, you're welcome.

That's a good image, that's exactly what it's right.

Are you wearing a shirt that says, Have a nice day?

No, I'm not okay. No, you took it too far.

That was far enough.

Yeah, what is your diet like? Because you're one of the healthiest men I know this morning. What did you have?

I had some chicken and then also had some mashy potatoes and also.

Why do you call them mashy potatoes?

What do you name those?

We call them mashy mashy, mush-mushes.

Well, see, it's more, I would say, efficient. As a German, we just say mashy potatoes as opposed to mashy, mashy, mush-mush potatoes. Okay, which is more....

No, we just call them.

Stop it, oh.

No, we just say mash potatoes here, okay, yeah.

Yeah, have you heard of the song Mash Potato by the Wiggles?

No, I haven't.

Mash potato Mash potato.

No, my children are grown, so I haven't listened to the wiggles in a very long time.

Adults can also listen to the wiggles.

There's actually a warning on the label that says, No, oh, I didn't know. Not for anyone over four.

I don't follow those.

You'll go into a blind rage. Oh, perfect.

Just start hitting bicyclists.

So you get up in the morning? Yes, I want to hear about your regimen.

Oh, I wake up, I ingest calories, I move very quickly, I ingest more calories. I think about Conan O'Brien WWCBD What would Conan O'Brien do? And then I do those things.

Okay, so I know you've been a huge fan of mine for a long time.

A very large fan. I once wrote a song about you and Andy called Conandy. Oh, really, I did.

You did or you didn't.

I did.

Okay.

I need to clear it with what's it called? Cab ass ass cap, yeah, and then I will send it to you.

But you wrote it, yes.

But now we have to pay more money to Flula, I think we have to pay money. I refuse money, I don't work for dollars, really.

Biscuits, little biscuits.

Yeah, have you had Bojangles in North Carolina, a chain that sells very delicious Southern biscuits?

Okay, it's just biscuit, it's not biscuit.

There's a you inside this conan.

Yes, I know, but we call it a silent you, a you that has been bullied into silence.

I will never be silent, okay?

So you get up in the morning, you eat, I think it's chicken.

Yes, no biscuits.

No biscuits, you don't eat any carbs.

Who does that?

Well, I'll eat carbs all the time.

I eat them sometimes, but when I have a photo shoot with Paolo Maschiti coming up, then I cannot eat those carbohydrates.

I see, yes, you know, I have to tell you you put out a calendar.

I do a calendar.

Every year, Flula Borg's calendar, and they're available, I believe, online. But you always send me one and you always find a way to be. I would say, shirtless for most months.

Nipples are exposed.

Even like December, January, February, shirtless.

Extra hot.

Yeah.

No, no.

I use the nipples, come out of the calendar and I hang my shirts on them.

You can also use them to squeeze lemons. Yes.

And adjust your radio dial.

If you have some radio, yes, serious.

My point is, you're very proud of your body, are you not? No, why is this self-loathing? Because some people that have a body like yours are very self-loathing.

Listen, you have a delicious voice and so you use it to make dollars and to make many, many podcasts. I have a body that someone gave to me. I have zero credit, so I have to use, I have to utilize it, I have to prostitute myself, okay?

How is your love life going, Flula?

It's non-existent. I once dated a whole note, a techno, whole note.

A what?

A techno whole note, a whole note, a whole note's four beats of music.

You've dated four beats of music, yes.

Oh, by the way, I will send you my flylander, my next one if you want.

Thank you very much. Of course, yes. I treasure them, I treasure them.

I want to hear more about this whole note. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, thank you Mr. Gourley. That's exactly. You always get me off track, but Matt's here to say, Wait a minute, let's double down.

Return to the It's Gourley, Gourley. Oh, why'd you say that? But I know there's a U in there. Yeah, why is that?

It would be Gourley, Gourley.

Go for it, yeah, Matthew Gourley, I'll take it. Okay, great.

Matthias Gourley Matthias Gourley. Yeah, Matthias.

Yes, all the ones and twos.

Yeah, so you dated a whole note.

Yes.

Explain how that works.

Uh, we, uh, established a romantic connection, and then we lasted for four measures, and then I said, and then I moved on.

I could have warned you against an e flat.

Treble Clef Excuse me.

Okay, you are a monastic. uh you, you are a celibate, you are not.

I'm Heloise not Abelard, correct? Yes, okay.

So what do you do for fun after your workout? What do you do? What does Fuleborg do?

I like to do Klimzüge, which are pushups and then I also like to make jogging. Have you ever made jogging?

I just said, after your workout, after your workout, you do pushups and jogging, that's not after your workout.

You have never followed David Goggins on Instagram? Stay hard, Conan.

Oh, okay, so you do. Even after your workout, you do more exercise.

I do minor workouts. Yes, okay.

Yes, what do you do when you're not working out? That's, I guess, the right question.

Oh, I like to sleep, I also like to look at the sky and also at other items in the world.

Okay, so looking at sky, yes, have you noticed anything about the sky recently?

It contains clouds on occasion and other on times other occasions has no clouds.

Okay, yeah.

Cumulonimbus clouds.

Writing this down and I will send this to Scientific American and all is good to know.

I'm Neil Degrasse Tyson also strato cumulus cumulonimbus, also very nice cloud series, a little too wavy for my taste.

Okay, so you're a cloud critic, as they say.

Sometimes yes.

Okay, and then you notice other objects. what objects have you been noticing lately?

I've noticed your delicious smile and wonderful haircut. Conan O'Brien.

Well, you know, I I look, a lot of people are in love with my hair, yes.

How do you style it? Do you wake up and it is like this, or is there a man and or woman that arranges it?

No one else does it. I figured this out myself a long time ago. I use various oils and resins, plus a little bit of mayonnaise and then I work it in there and then I cook it in a little kiln. That just bakes my hair.

For 40 minutes, four zero.

Yes.

Hellman's or Kraft?

Well, I don't like to name.

Hellman's Thank you, yes, sponsor shout out.

No, it's definitely Hellman's. You really want whole eggs in there, but then I get this delicious pastry on top of my head. It seems to give people delight and so it's a small price for me to pay to give other people joy.

It sounds like a large price, depending on the amounts of mayonnaise and croissants you purchase.

That's true, but you know, I do it. I also think I may be do it to draw attention away from parts of my body that maybe I'm not thrilled with.

Speak to me.

Well, I'm just saying I have beady little rat eyes.

That's incorrect.

Look, it is true. Look, look at me looking around, beady little rat eyes. delicious, and I've got this eye vein under my eye.

Oh, yes, episode two, Band of Brothers, Yes.

And so I'm.

Very confusing. You are a beautiful man. I love all of the items you have described in a fully platonic, non-sexual way.

Oh well, maybe we can nudge that over to sexual.

Let's give it a try.

Once, I was walking in the neighborhood where we make this podcast and I heard someone shout out a window as fans sometimes do. And I looked around and I couldn't see. Get off my property. Yeah, exactly, and get a real job.

Sorry for screaming, it's me, your friend Flula Borg. Good to see you.

Yeah, but it all came out. As you know, it's that doppler effect, the doppler effect.

Doppler plus Deutsch unintelligible, yes.

So it was nice of you to yell out at me.

Thank you, did you have? I thought you had a baggie of delicious calories. Is that accurate?

I'm not.

Oh, David, David is still alive.

Well, yes, despite my best efforts, he's being kept alive, he's being kept alive.

Oh, wonderful with these...

He's on a saline drip. Yeah, that's keeping him alive right now.

Oh, excellent, like in seven May, I say hello.

Perfect.

Thanks bringing Brad Pitt back. I like it, yes.

Well, my bicycle pal. Yeah, okay, so I'm getting this image of your life, but you're also very enterprising you've been in movies.

Well, as a German, that's illegal and I would never admit to this I have...

Taking what I meant, I didn't mean to imply anything. I'm saying, you are invading, yeah.

I'm subtly gathering stamps on my passport, fully legally and with everyone's consent.

You are blitzkrieging Hollywood with your talent.

Nope, I am just very subtly showing up with a cake and a smile.

A massive air show of talent. No, no, no, no, no, you are....

Daintily prancing around.

Now I had the pleasure of going to Berlin with you, remember when we were in Berlin together?

I remember this, yes.

And this was fascinating for me because I got to see you in your home environment. And I noticed that a lot of the German people are very comfortable with nudity.

Oh, very much.

Yes, and you seemed very comfortable with nudity, too.

I'm also German, so I am part of this venn diagram you have just described.

Now I, for example, not comfortable with my nudity at any time.

You did not enjoy having your penis exposed on the beach?

I wear a full-on formal tuxedo when I take a shower, but you, you, on the other hand, I noticed very comfortable with it. Have you tried that here in the states and what's the reaction been?

Oh, exposing my genitalia in public. Well, just walking.

Yeah, I don't mean just genitalia, but I mean letting your body be free of all clothing. Have you been nude in America and how has that gone over for you?

It has gone in awkward ways. I try to have you seen the show Austin Powers and the murder mystery man? Oh, I don't know the name, International Murder.

International man of mystery.

Yeah, in the beginnings, the credits. He's always like, turning around, Oh, maybe we will see his pee-pee, but no, it's a broccoli. And then he turns around and he's like, What is that? Oh, it's an M1 Abrams tank or something. And so this is how I try to present it to myself in America, because I know everyone is terrified of nudity here.

Okay, I don't know if they're terrified of it, but it can be inappropriate. Quickly. I'm told you boarded an American Airlines flight completely nude.

I was wearing flip-flops, so that's inaccurate.

Okay, well, the news accounts I read did not mention the flip-flops.

Well, you didn't read deep enough, or they are terrible reporters, okay?

Well, this was the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal. These are fine papers.

Oh, Nicholas Kristof Okay, yeah, okay.

He apparently was sitting in the row opposite you, yeah.

Well, we are no longer on speaking terms.

You weren't friends until you boarded this flight naked.

Until I just heard this news of my flip-flops being omitted.

In general, you're doing well, life is good.

Oh, I'm absolutely terrible. Conan Why? Well, the world is on fire.

Oh, people always say that, really.

Mathematically, no one that is now alive will be alive in 222 years.

Oh my God, I didn't realize that.

Now just think about this.

I made all these plans.

I know, so now you have to execute those plans immediately. Do it all tomorrow, you know, don't wait what they say, wait tomorrow, and it's too late for today to make it.

I can't believe that hasn't been a poster.

I think Benjamin Franklin, No.

Yeah, Benjamin Franklin, as he was stroking out, said that don't put to tomorrow what today can be done the other day if you go forward another day.

And then please relight my stove and there's some lightning.

There's a storm coming. Someone tie a key to a kite.

Tie a key and make me an omelet.

Let me ask you something, How familiar are you with American history? Do you consider yourself? I mean, you've come to this country? We welcome you with open arms, as America does sometimes, but do you consider yourself an American citizen now?

I am very confused every time about everything, but I'm also very excited. I love to learn. I'm like a sponge, you can just dump things into me.

You don't dump things into a sponge. a sponge sort of goes over the. It's an inaccurate metaphor, yeah.

And you added a u to the sponge. I'm sorry about Gawley. Oh, see Jesus, I took your u and added it to sponge.

Okay, so.

A wonderful Tag team detective show.

Yeah, Gawley and sponge. They took the u from Gawley and added it to sponge. Yeah, so it's Gawley and sponge.

Better than Thelma and Louise.

You, uh, whenever I'm done speaking to you, I'm very stupid at the end.

Also.

And you don't, so you don't get smarter.

By speaking to myself, never no.

When I'm done speaking to you, I'm very dumb always. I'm going to go home. I'll probably have to be driven home because I'm not safe to drive after speaking to you, because I'm so stupid.

Yes, I get it. So, uh, Conan, when other people speak to me, it's like, you know, people like, Oh, you should have your teapot open and ready to receive more tea. But I have the top, the top is on what?

I don't understand at all.

Imagine a submarine, yeah.

How do we get to a submarine?

Imagine how many liquids and waters and airs enter a submarine? Yes, that is my brain when we speak, okay?

Very good. Yes, I'm going to change the topic, okay, to your topic I was trying to talk about, which is you and America.

Uh, a lot of there's, there's much driving, not much water. Do you have a burp? Is that a thought? I just burped, Oh, okay.

I just quietly burped, I'm drinking a lot of water, and I just burped into the little microphone.

But you also leaned up a bit, so I didn't know if you were.

I wanted you to see that I was burping.

But that, so that was purely burp, that was not a toot.

I can't do the both at the same time, you can't. I mean, I'd be in the almanac if I could do that.

That's a flurp, yes.

What's that?

A flaut and a blurp.

Okay, now I'm so stupid, my heart's not beating. You've just taken me down to baseline. Activities that are, uh, that are run by the cortex are gone, yes.

You're in the seventh level of the Titanic, you're just shoveling that coal. But no, no cuisines are being cooked.

You, uh, do you like America?

It is very enjoyable to me. I feel very lucky I have received a career, thanks to you and also other Americans who have employed me. So vielen Dank and thank you Conan Christopher. Is it correct?

O'BRIEN Conan Christopher O'Brien Very good, that is my name, I've googled you.

Yeah, you are comedian and also a host.

A host.

Yeah.

Do you also say ghost?

Yeah, ghost.

Ghost and host.

Ghost Yeah, Geist.

Okay, guys, guys, guys, I feel like I'm the odd man out of the U.N. What's going on here?

We were saying, Can we talk so that you can understand?

Oh, very nice. Well, that's really, that's some real hospitality there.

Sorry, Bangladesh.

How much German do you speak?

They're a little bit German, but not very good.

Kleben, kleben, kleben. I'm joining in.

Oh, you didn't understand? No, I didn't. Oh, Kleben.

Sorry, of course.

Oh, Falco, Yes, yes.

Gradient Oh sure, oh sure.

Yeah, if you really want to, we can do that. Definitely, it's really nice.

Yes, yes. Kleben, kleben, kleben, kleben.

Kleben, kleben.

KLEBEN So that's how it's done, Gorley. And the next time, you feel like, Oh, oh.

Oh, na klar, ja, bist gut, aber auch. And Friedrich.

Oh, Colonel Kling.

Oh, maschie masch.

You know what, I don't think we can, even I don't think we can put ads on this episode.

Because no one's listening anymore.

No, no, I think we have to contact all the advertisers and say you don't want to waste your money on this episode because absolutely nothing is happening.

I'm very sorry, Conan. I know this is our first, not first, but this will be our last time together.

This is the last, this can't happen again. I'm being signaled right now by Oh, Jesus, Jesus Christ.

Oh, wonderful, he has spoken to you.

Oh yeah, regularly, yes.

Great congratulations.

Well, I am the chosen.

I look forward to reading your book.

I want things for you.

Me as well.

I want you to enjoy your time here, and I want you someday, maybe to have a family. Do you think that's possible?

I'll have it well. A musical family, maybe a family of animals? Fanimals. Would you ever do you trust me with children? Can you imagine me with babies?

I think you'd be a great dad. Yeah, oh, you know what I did? As a matter of fact, I know we've mentioned this before. But I gave you once for fun when we were on tour together. I gave you an American girl doll and you, I thought, just for fun, I gave you one.

Baby Bjorn, Baby Bjorn. No relation to Flula, yeah.

You bought a baby, Bjorn, and you took care of this baby beautifully. Thank you. you brought the baby everywhere and I thought he'd be a great dad.

Well, I'm very good with an inanimate object with legs and arms that cannot pee, pee, poo, poo or be fed.

Okay, all right.

But an actual live being, I would say, be very careful about it, yes.

Would you be tempted if you had seven children to make them sing, you know, before they went to bed at night?

Yeah, I would. If I had seven children, I would be tempted to say, Hey, I'll be right back. I'm running some errands, everyone.

Oh, and then you'd take off.

Yeah.

I think the minute they heard you say that, they'd know you're not coming back.

And the kid doesn't know how to run and does not understand the word errands.

Yeah, I do.

Do you plan on more five to six more of these offsprings?

Well, I'm, I think, I think now.

You're very virile.

Well, I know I am. I mean, I think that's understood when you just hear the podcast.

It's a delicious voice.

My sexual exploits are legendary. Oh no, I think I have two children and they're they're beautiful and I love them. And I think, you know, I'm very happy in my, in my marriage. So no, I think that's it.

What finality? okay?

Well, I just say, I mean, I love these two kids, and.

That's enough for you. Yeah, so you don't, you're not like Constantine or Alexander, you don't need to conquer.

Well, in some ways, I am, oh yeah, a conqueror, a legendary figure whose name will resonate through history, reverberate. If you will, I will do it.

You would adopt my child, yeah.

Okay, if you have a child and you want to take care of it, I will adopt your child.