#628 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN

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Hey, this is Red Band coming to you. Live from the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Yeah, how about a hand for Red Band, everybody? It is 69 degrees Fahrenheit in the room. Another beautiful day, 69.1 degrees. As summer starts to chill here in Texas. You're here at the number one live podcast in the world, everybody.

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Every single week we have some of the funniest comedians in the world on. this one is special. These guys have been on multiple times. The last time they were on. There was too many people on this show. There was a whole extra band on top of the usual band.

I'm excited to give these guys their exclusive time here on Kill Tony. They literally are the hosts of my other favorite podcast. Ladies and gentlemen. I present to you the Are you garbage Guys? H. Foley and Kevin Ryan, everybody.

Here we go. Oh yeah, Kevin Ryan, Motherfucking H. Foley.

If you guys don't know, you're about to fucking know, are you garbage? Kill? Tony mashup? Magical, magical chemistry. Always two of the funniest, two of the nicest, two of the coolest, two of my favorites in all of the industry. Welcome back gentlemen, thank you.

This is great. Fuck yeah, I love the guy in the cutoff jet shirt that was screaming. You are definitely one of our fans. Absolutely, that's Aaron Rodgers.

He's in town to get some stem cells injected into him this week. I love it. Shout out to ways to well, where they can heal any wound that you have or anything like that. Welcome back guys, we're going to have a lot of fun tonight.

How many of you are diehard Kill Tony fans?

How many of you have been listening for more than three years?

Okay, well, that's good enough. We have a special treat for you. Literally a future kill. Tony Hall of Famer, one of the biggest legends in the history of the show, the funniest female cast member that's ever been on the show. Former full time band member, now the co-host of The Bad Friends podcast, back in L..A. full time stand up comedian, Ladies and Gentlemen, Horn player, former legendary band member.

Make some noise. Joining us just for tonight, the great jetski Jesse Johnson. Everybody, here we go. Yeah, kill Tony Royalty.

Some people compare her to a young Roseanne Barr, some people say a young, Uh, what do they say, Tony?

It's all I can think of right now is a young Roseanne Barr. Jetski. Welcome back to the show, How are you? I'm so good, I love the whole Kill Tony universe.

Thanks for having me. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. We knocked out our hellos. You guys all know how it works, so we're going to jump right into it. Literally 100, I was told. Before the show, 188 people signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds of stand up comedy time Uninterrupted on tonight's show.

188 people, a few of them may be in the room right now, but my guess is about 170 plus are at a bar next door. Waiting, hoping that someone's going to come over to that bar and yell their name. And they run over here and then they do 60 seconds of stand up comedy, you know, their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then, after that 60 seconds, I interview them and we all talk to them together. Me, my esteemed panel of Are you garbage? Jetski Johnson and Brian Redband? And we find out more about them, what makes them tick, and what they could be talking about, what's real, what's not about their lives.

The whole thing's improvised, anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Yeah, well, I go to the bottom of the bucket and pull out the first name that we're going to go wrangle from the bar next door.

And while we do that, we are going to start the show with one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. This young man we discovered over two and a half years ago here in Austin, Texas, living in a van, an eternal open miker, and we changed his life. He sells out all around the world, including this weekend in New York City, a sold out Sony Hall. Ladies and gentlemen, sing it. If you know the words, this is Hans Hipp.

Which is fine, but she keeps expecting first dick activities on the third dick.

Like, I've already come twice, she's shoving it in sideways.

Bouncing on it, I feel like a pool noodle on a slip and slide.

I'm not going anywhere.

I think in women's sports all the refs should be women because men aren't going to be able to catch the fouls that women do.

Oh, foul, you're being petty.

You only did that to her because she did that to you earlier.

I'm sad to hear that Trump is getting indicted again. I think Biden indicts Trump every time he falls over.

All right, thank you. all right Hans Kim. Beautiful minute. A lot of punches, not exactly hard punches, but a lot of taps the whole way through.

A lot like Nate Diaz versus Jake Paul. You landed a lot of punches, didn't do a ton of damage, but rock-solid set. You did it again. I don't know how you do it.

You're a real surgeon.

My parents wish I was a surgeon, yes.

They do. I love that description on my set, it's a lot like the description on my love life, a lot of soft taps, so let's talk about it.

You say that you're having a lot of sex after you come. That's her choice, or your choice? it's her choice. Explain to us what does she say to you, like, what goes on?

She's like, You want to vibrate me? Wait, what does that mean?

The vibrator, the hitachi comes out, the Hitachi, the real Asian workhorse in the household.

And then she's like, wouldn't it be better if your dick was inside me? and I'm like, Oh yeah, I guess so. Is there something she can do that magically gets you hard? Are there any tricks to getting Hans Kim hard?

Is there any way to turn your lo mein noodle into a fucking?

Into a.

Egg roll Yes, thank you, thank you, thank you for helping me be racist there.

A little teamwork goes a long way. Her go-to move is just squeezing my dick with her butt, squeezing your dick with her butt. Man. I've been doing it wrong this whole time, I've never even heard of that.

She just backs it right up into it, she doesn't give me any breathing room down there. Look at that, the old South Korea, you gotta love it, unbelievable.

So she just pushes her butt back and then squeezes her butt, cheeks, and you're just like.

And you get hard. Wow, what do you think? The most times that you've had sex in a 24 hour period with your girlfriend is probably four.

Oh, okay, that's good. Oh, 24 hour, probably like six. Oh okay. In honor of Bob Barker, we're changing numbers here.

The late great Bob Barker, which is also the name of a dog that Hans parents ate.

Okay, alright.

You said that your parents wish you were a surgeon. Have you talked to your parents lately? What are they saying about your current life? They're like, Oh, you have a Rolex? Oh, that's like a doctor.

Um, you know.

I get all the good parts of being a doctor, the private jets and none of the blood. And you know, anuses. Well, it sounds like you do get some anuses. sounds like the only thing that can make you hard.

Consensually.

No one questioned whether it was consensual or not. It's a real weird disclaimer to throw out. Now we're thinking it wasn't. Now it's kind of rapey. We did find out last week that you do play a game with your girlfriend called rape.

Yes, have you guys played this week? Yes, did you win? or did she win? I won this time.

One and one, one and one.

Absolutely absolutely. This video will be used in a court of law at some point.

Amazing, all right, Hans. What else is going on this week? Fresh off of Sony Hall sold out New YORK City It was an amazing time. I lived in New York for three years.

You know, a lot of my most toxic personality traits are from that city.

I headlined Sony Hall. It was a dream come true. Must be amazing to go back to New York and headline. We know, for a fact, that you slept in your van there in New York City before moving here to Austin, Texas, when you were in New York. The big fucking Apple, you could not sell a single ticket.

No one knew what a Hans Kim was, right? Yeah, nobody liked me. well, no one knew you. I knew him and I didn't like him. I have to say, What do you remember about Hans in the New York scene?

I only think I saw him at an open mic once. I think we didn't really cross a whole lot of paths. That's where I lived.

Outside of the creek, in the cave in New York, correct? Yes, I was a hobo. I stayed in an Airbnb this week that cost more than my van did. It was pretty great.

I played Sony Hall, which was a dream of mine ever since I found out it existed four months ago.

Hans Kim everybody.

That was Hans Kim, that was Hans Kim, that was Hans Kim, that was Hans Kim. All right, pulling another name out of this bucket.

We're going to go to our first bucket pull now. People. We know Hans Kim, he is a trained assassin built in the world of Kill Tony. These names that I pull out of this bucket, it could be anybody at all.

It could be an insane first-timer, it could be somebody that brandishes a weapon of some kind. Anything can happen, you get it.

Make some noise for your first bucket pull of the night. Raven shetty, everybody, Raven shetty, here we go.

60 seconds uninterrupted for Raven Shetty here Live on Kill Tony.

Y'all know, when things go really well, you hear the phrase it doesn't get better than this. You take your partner out for dinner, make love after, it doesn't get better than this, or if you're single, you get high and watch your show. It doesn't get better than this. We're doing an open mic in Austin, Texas. It does get better than this.

Started showering with a citrus-flavored soap, and it's helped me smell like a cutie.

Actually started seeing a girl and she was sweet but could be sour, but she was pretty, had that vitamin C.

She was bilingual, spoke Mandarin.

No joke, her name was Clementine.

Y'all, like those, find them appealing, just trying to squeeze out every bit.

Thank you, I'm rubbing. Well, there you go, Robin Shetty. Everybody doesn't get any better than that.

Holy shit dude. Wow, oh my God.

Two years, oh shit, okay, that's about two years longer than I was hoping for. My goodness, you're like a really smart guy.

You got great grades in school, didn't you? Okay, they were alright, okay for an Indian guy, right? So a's a minuses across the board.

Okay, what do you do for a living? You seem like you work in the tech industry, something super stable. Am I correct? Yeah, I'm a CPA, right, exactly.

You do comedy like a CPA, do you juice the books?

Jetski, jetski, jetski.

Let me teach you guys something you might not know. But when Jetski lands a big joke like that, a historical thing in the show is everybody pretends like they're revving up a jetski. So next time you can all go vroom, vroom, vroom like that, there you go.

You get it alright. Maybe this is like a bunch of tourists or something. This is like a bunch of people that heard that this is a big show that was able to get tickets. I don't know where the fuck we found this crowd, but alright.

You guys having fun out there?

Yeah, I guess, so alright, let's talk more with you, is it, Robin? It's pronounced rubbin.

Rubbin, but it's spelled R-a-b-i-n. yeah, so it's spelled Rabin No. The a makes the same sound as the first syllable in Amazing.

Oh boy, oh boy. I feel like we're on a first date or something. I feel like he's telling jokes again.

Jesus Christ.

Everything's a lecture with this guy, somebody ask him a math question or something like that. Let the kid get a win. Are you good at math? Is that what you excel at?

Or are you just a mediocre CPA, too? I'm okay at math, just okay at math, so you just stink all around. What are you good at?

I enjoy playing ping pong, tennis, try to stay active, soccer.

Rabin, Rabin What's something wild about Rabin?

Are you intentionally saying it wrong? Wait, what is it? It's rubbin, like rubbing your dick on an ass, oh shit.

God damn it, to quote the late great Hans Kim.

It's like rubbing a genie lamp.

He's definitely rubbing me the wrong way.

Okay, so give us the wild side of Rabin, go ahead. I mean, you know, occasionally go out like, what?

What do you do when you go out? You know, just have a few drinks? What kind of drinks do you have? Moscow mules, Moscow mules.

Real outlaw. Okay, where do you have these Moscow mules? and who do you have them with? You know, just my friends at a bar, or sometimes they'll make it at their place. It sounds like you're saying what you think people do.

Yeah, exactly, this is what an alien would say. If they came down, they're like, Hey, play it cool.

I go to a bar with my friends, we do human things.

He's like, Ai, dude.

Rubbing Gpt.

This is incredible.

Somewhere between alien and illegal alien, this fucking guy is. What ethnicity are you, rabin? My parents are from India, right? Absolutely.

Incredible doesn't get any better than that. What else about you? What's your love life like? I'm single right now.

Single right now, When's the last time you were in a relationship? I was seeing someone.

You were seeing someone and then what happened? It just fizzled out. How long did that last? About a month? Was she Indian?

No, was there a real girl that you based the Orange joke on? No, Clementine was just made up Jesus.

They say, Right, what, you know?

Doesn't make sense, but back like that, you make good money as a CPA, okay?

You're on a live podcast, this is an interview, and you just keep saying okay to everything. He acts like we knocked on his door and just started asking questions, Exactly, can I fucking help you with something?

Okay, we didn't mean to interrupt you and your friends and your Moscow mules.

I'm kind of busy right now. Yeah, me and the fellows are really raging inside. I'm sorry, Ron. So you work like 9 to 5 Monday through Friday?

Basically, yeah, or fucking yeah, yeah, no, it's just yeah.

Answer a single question during this interview. It's usually 9 to 5, but if it's busy times, it'll be a little bit longer than that, 5 to 30. What do you spend your money on? You make more than $75,000 a year?

I like to travel. Okay, you didn't answer that question. This guy's a cop man.

Yeah, I have a few, a few roommates. there's no straight answers to this guy, how many roommates a couple?

Three roommates, you live in a four bedroom? yeah, a four bedroom. How many bathrooms?

There's a few four, four bathrooms, four bedrooms, that's good.

So you have your own shower drain, that's good, okay?

My goodness, gracious.

Do you have anything weird in your refrigerator that you contribute? Is it all Indian guys in the No, so you're the only one that curries up the refrigerator and whatnot?

There's one other Indian dude, a white guy and a Singaporean, a white guy, a Singaporean, and a what another Indian guy. Wow, this sounds like a karaoke night, okay?

Robin, What would be?

Robin, what would be the before I let you go? give us one thing? What would we be shocked to know about you?

You seem very straight on the straight and narrow. It doesn't seem like stand-up's really your thing. You're not damaged or hurt. It seems like you had a pretty normal childhood, and this is just something that seems like it's cool to you.

Give us something that we would be shocked to know about you. You ever been arrested, you ever do anything crazy, anything out of the ordinary in the history of your life. How old are you?

I'm 27.

So 27 years to reference here, here you go. What would we be shocked to know about you? I like to gamble.

Ooh, what do you gamble on? you know, poker sports bets? Okay, very, very interesting. The crowd is shocked.

That is incredible, this guy's gonna murder us all, he is not having fun. No, this is great, this is fun.

One last question If you were gonna murder us, how would you do it?

Do a one-minute of stand-up comedy.

There he goes, everybody, Robin Shetty with a joke book. It definitely gets better than that. Pulled another name out of the bucket. So, as you see, anything can happen.

We don't know any of these people. Make some noise for your next comedian out of the bucket. Jamal Burel, Everybody, Jamal or Jamar Burel. Really bad handwriting so far. Tonight, here he is.

How's it going, everybody?

I had a bird that was bothering my sleep near my bedroom window the other night, and I was trying to get rid of it. My neighbor jumped out. She said, Hey, stop, don't do that, that's federally protected, you'll break the law.

Yeah, apparently. A 1917 bird act non-migratory birds, you can't remove them. I'm like, Fuck yeah, that's awesome.

The only thing I thought was.

That's like 50-something years before they gave safe places to Black people.

I'm just saying, what the fuck are white people doing to birds? You know what I'm saying? I'm a 90s kid. We didn't have all these screens and fucking crazy toys. When I was growing up, we had this one oral sex aid they sold to kids.

That's right, you guys remember this thing? It's called the bop-it.

You remember the cues it would give you? Spin it?

Flick it.

Twist it, bop it, spit on it, choke me and call me a nigger bitch. I guess we had different bop-its.

I don't know, maybe that's just me.

There it is, Jamal Burel, a good 60 seconds.

Especially following Rubin.

Too fucking long. But on and off, I've been back at it for maybe a solid six months, but not really. I'm spotty. How about an answer? Let's try an answer of some kind.

I asked you a question from the time I started pandemic, eight years, eight years, there we go. He did not want that number out there, there you go.

How long have you been the mayor of Chicago again?

Oh shit, oh shit. A standing o. Thank you, sir.

Jamal, What do you do for a living? I do freelance film production, broke, I'm unemployed.

Freelance film production. I still got to buy deodorant when I leave here. Don't worry about it, man, it's fine, all right, Jamal.

I love it, the jokes were good. Have you always been in Austin? I live in San Marcos. I actually just got out of a relationship with my baby mama today.

What happened today? We were doing polyamory and I thought we were doing it right for the right reasons. You guys were both sleeping with other people. No, no, no, she just kissed a dude.

No, it was cool, though. I even went fishing with him, We went fishing and everything. Hold on, hold on, take it one step at a time.

You're moving really fast. It was cool.

Let me slowly get this. It was healthy, Tony.

Okay, so let's talk about it. How long were you guys hooking up with other people? Let's take it nice and slow, let me kind of lead you. It was like a week, but I was staying at home with the kids.

Wait, hold on, stop, stop, stop, fucking stop. It was like a week that you were trying polyamory. Well, I think it was a week that I had known about it.

I'm pretty sure it was.

Man, you are a sweet boy and he was a nice guy, but it was like what I was at home....

Stop, stop.

Let's start over again. How old is your kid? He's going to be four on the 25th of September. His name is Zan. No one asked you that.

You know what I'm saying, but with a Z, it's one of those simple Black names that people are just like what? He just started school, there you go.

It's like, z-a-y-e-n, it's so fucking simple. But he came back from school and on his fucking folder it was like, Zanye, like Kanye, but with a Z. You are an atrocious guest, you've got fucking mosquitoes in here, you're just talking.

You have no idea what's going on around you. Did you drink before this? A little bit? not much. I haven't done a lot of mics. This is my first mic I've done in this city in like three and a half years.

Before the pandemic, I don't do it a lot. So I was just back there, like, Man, this shit's fucking depressing, stop talking. Have you ever seen this show before?

Honestly, no, I can tell you're a horrible guest right now. It's unbelievable. It's just long form talking, exactly.

I'm trying to help you stop talking.

Really, I mean, it's unbearable. This is the part where I lead an interview. It's kind of important that you know the show that you signed up for. It's called Autism. No, I'm sorry.

You're saying that you're autistic, it's a spectrum, there's no autism, not autism. There he goes, everybody, Jamal, with a little joke book because of a shitty interview.

Ruined everything could have gotten famous here today, instead just an unbearable appearance, there you go.

You walk that way now, there he goes. I thought bitches had periods, okay?

Pulled another name out of the bucket, You guys having fun, yet anything can happen. It's a real show. pulled another name out.

Here we go make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Andreas Bach. Andreas Bach is next until Tony.

Here we go, here he is Andreas Bach, everybody.

I think kids today are too weak. Okay, I have two twin boys. Okay, I want my kids to grow up to be as tough as me, so I'm trying to raise them right.

Like, I make them school lunch, I do, but I make it two days in advance, so the cheese gets extra sweaty.

And I don't even want to, but I've started smoking, it's not often, it's only when we're driving.

And I don't have a lot of money to travel and shit. But sometimes I just run away and I sleep in the garage for two days and I don't tell them.

But I leave a note in the kitchen and it says, Here, boys, here's $50 to buy some groceries. Daddy. He will be right back.

And it's not $50 there. And each of them thinks the other one took it.

Thank you.

Great fucking job, dude, great set, especially going after Jamal, it's just like getting better. That was incredible. I like your style.

Welcome to the show Andreas Bak. This is your first time on the show. Yeah, very good set. How long have you been doing stand-up?

I've been doing stand-up in Norway for five years. Norway Wow.

I love it. I just arrived like two hours ago in Austin. Incredible look at that, amazing.

Dreams coming true. Fucking awesome. So you flew from Norway straight into Austin. I've been awake for 48 hours. Incredible.

And so far, you've had the set of the night absolutely incredible. This dude's fucking awesome.

But I have a problem. I'm staying for two months trying to get on kill Tony and I nailed it on the first night.

Dreams come true. It doesn't get any better than that. Damn, that's fate, dude. Hell yeah, says he's from Norway.

Meanwhile, he looks like every Ukrainian soldier I've ever seen. I mean, that is what a Ukrainian soldier that escaped war right now would be saying. I'm just visiting from Norway, don't mind me, totally not dodging a war.

Incredible. So how long have you been doing stand-up in Norway? Five years, I was told, seems like it funny as hell.

Great timing, great execution.

Masterful 60 seconds. What's comedy like in Norway? how's it different than America? Explain to us. I know a little bit.

I performed in Stockholm, Sweden, a couple times. They don't quite laugh as loud, a little bit more applause. It's almost like a theater-like performance. But you give us the information.

You're a true Norway guy. The only thing I can compare to is I did this same minute at this Shakespeare bar next to where we were hanging out. This was the worst one minute of my life.

Yo, I love this fucking guy. Yeah, this guy's alright.

Absolutely incredible. This is much better. I love you guys, definitely.

So you talked about having kids? How many kids do you have? Two, two boys? You're very proud of the fact that you made boys with your testicles.

You made a real point to say that I have to be proud. I had them when I was 19. How old are you now? 31.?

Wow, look at you so a real dad. How do you make money? I was traveling to Austin without them, he left them 50 bucks.

For two months, that goes a long way in Norway.

I love it. So what do you do for work out there? I'm a professional comedian in Norway. I quit my job a year ago. What was that job?

I was a sailor, a Norwegian sailor. Yeah, ladies.

They've got to be wooden boats. It was a ferry.

Absolutely incredible. It was a ferry, you weren't in the Norwegian Navy? No, I had cars. I don't know if I'd call you a sailor.

Yeah, you drove a boat, you were a parking attendant on the water.

Yeah.

Hell yeah, have you always looked like if Eminem was a lesbian?

Feminem.

If you only had one stroopwafel and you had two twin boys and you wanted to come to America to do Kill Tony, what would you do?

A red sky at night is a sailor's delight.

The clogs are ready. Did you say the clogs?

Unbelievable Andreas. You're so likable and cool. What else are you into? Tell us more about your life? Do you have any hobbies or cool things about you?

I had a lot of hobbies, but when I started stand-up, that's it, that's all I do.

Ice swimming, climbing, ice swimming. Oh shit, oh shit. You've got to talk to Robin after this.

Ice swimming What kind of music do you like? I feel like you've got to be into some hardcore shit. Yeah, you look like you wear those all-black, like a gimp suit or something.

You have that energy to wear like, it takes a lot for you to come. Yeah, it takes a lot of crazy shit, you have to beat on people and shit.

I eat ass just to get in the mood. There you go, absolutely.

A little bit of that sweet, sweet vitamin B. You've got real cock ring vibes. I like it, that is true. you do have cock ring vibes.

Do you have a cock ring? No, not yet. he's got two months left. You've got some slack. I tried a cock ring once, but my dick turned purple.

I'm a hypochondriac, so I was really scared. Absolutely, absolutely.

Absolutely, I love this guy, he's amazing, it is absolutely incredible. How long are you in Austin for?

One month at least I have a ticket home. I can't remember, I'm so fucking tired. It was in the middle of October.

I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday, yeah.

They are absolutely incredible. This is what I live for.

Yes, this is it Kill Tony, where we meet some of the most talented people from around the world live. Anything can happen straight out of a bucket, your next comedian? we discovered out of a bucket two and a half months ago.

Now, over 100 million people have heard him talk about how he carries rocks in his pocket.

The one and only Cam Patterson, everybody.

I hate my niece, she a bitch.

Can she be bragging about shit she know I can't do? Like? I was back home a couple weeks ago, Uncle Cameron, Guess what, I passed the third grade.

And I'm like, I don't care, bitch. If you were so goddamn smart, you'd did it twice like I did.

I only did it twice, though, because I couldn't read. That ain't funny, bitch.

I wasn't a guy who couldn't read, for I couldn't read. Dawg, Let me ask y'all a question, you know how hard it is to learn how to read when you can't read?

That shit is damn near impossible. Thank y'all so much, hell yeah.

Yes, another minute from Cam Patterson. Unbelievable. You've done it again, that is incredible.

Gang violence Indeed, we outside. Absolutely, I agree with gang violence. Is that true? Did you really get held back in third grade?

Yeah, my dad called it reclassing, yeah.

But you don't do that shit in third grade, you know what? I'm saying? You'll be fine nigga. You're just reclassing right now. You're going to get bigger and stronger for football season.

Hell yeah, you're going to be fine, you're going to be all right. I got held back in third grade also, and it's great because you actually were the oldest person in your class and it kind of helped you. I hate that shit.

I care about you, old bitch. I was like, Nigga, I'm 18 really, I was 18 as a senior. Wait, Oh, okay, I thought you were going to say he's a third grader.

That's a lot of reclassification. We all pictured him the same size that he is now in third grade. There for a second, like, What's up little fuck nigga? Two plus two is four, you feel me?

You got held back in third grade, yeah, but I'm so old. It was like the first time there was a divorce in my area and they didn't know how I would react to a divorce. Because they never had divorces where I lived. And so they held me back because of it, your parents got divorced in third grade?

Really wow, they got divorced. What? Because back then I'm almost 50..

That's what they told you.

Dude, red baby, you believed that your whole life? That's fucking crazy. You should still be in the third grade if you think that.

Oh my god, this is incredible. Just three flunkies. I as well got held back. In fourth grade, I was able to pass third grade.

Yeah, they fucking held me back. What about y'all niggas? was y'all smart?

Look at these smarties over here. I graduated early. Dorks Wow, incredible. Kill this nigga.

Gang violence.

Gang violence, Hell yeah.

Incredible just three flunkies, Tony Red Band and Cam Patterson. absolutely incredible. Look at us.

Those fucking teachers, I swear to God, they deserve to die. Seems like you guys have let it go.

Unbelievable Cam Patterson, fresh off of another weekend of theaters, this time in Charlotte, North Carolina, and Atlanta, Georgia. You, William Montgomery, David Lucas, you and David Lucas bringing your entourages to both of my theater shows.

My green rooms literally look like a fucking Tyler Perry production. It was absolutely incredible. Tony got the blackest green rooms in the game. Baby, I swear to God you would not believe it. That shit was beautiful.

We had Magic City stripper wings, we did. We had strip club wings in Atlanta delivered to the green room. We did not go to the strip club. We did the real Atlanta experience.

Filmed a special and then had strip club wings, which were delicious. I was kind of upset when David insisted, I go, David. What's the best food in Atlanta? Let's get it for the green room, He goes Magic City Strip Club wings.

I go, David, David, and then we had these fucking wings, man, I don't know what it is, it's the fucking parent's disappointment.

Mixed in the fucking sauce or something like that, they put a little bit of pussy juice on every wing. Hey, whatever it was.

Little drop of pussy juice on every wing, yep, yep, the breasts and the thighs.

But yeah, good wings, what else tell us more about you? In theaters, nigga? that shit the craziest thing. Theater was dope. theater was fun as fuck. But dog, but you had me in some of the nicest hotels I've ever seen in my life, nigga.

Oh my god, yeah, I gotta tell you guys this, just like, let me tell you. One of the coolest things about going on the road and taking someone who, you know, isn't used to. That level of the game is that you get to kind of relive how cool everything that you're doing is. And there was a part where we checked in.

We checked into this nice hotel in Atlanta and we're all getting our own room keys, you know, they're being handed out. And he opens his little thing and he pulls out the room key and he goes, God damn, this is the thickest hotel room key I've ever seen in my life. Hey Tony.

What was the other one? Oh, it was the Continental, that's right, which, strangely, did not have coffee in the lobby. Yeah, fuck them for that.

Yeah, it was crazy. He's all bougie now, yeah, stays in one nice hotel. Where are my slippers at? Bitch?

They put a robe in that bitch. There was a robe in there. Someone come hand me my remote. I think they had a robe in there. No, it wasn't a robe, it was a robe.

Oh man, I fucking love this kid, he's unbelievable superstar, absolutely crushing his sets, going out to standing ovations in theaters.

Ending his sets with standing ovations That's great dude. congratulations. that's fucking awesome. Only months after moving to Austin, Texas.

For what is it? Two and a half years you've been doing this? Yeah, two and a half for two and a half years. Cam, I swear to God, I don't think anybody's ever seen anything like it. You are incredible every single week to be able to kick out a new minute like that.

I mean, you have to realize William Montgomery, I think, 11 years, David Lucas, eight and a half, nine years, Hans Kim, seven or eight years. So the fact that you're even on this level goes to show what a natural freak you are, and we couldn't be happier to have you here. Cam Patterson The white t-shirt available at Killmerch.com.

Make some noise for the great and powerful Cam Patterson. Everybody, come on.

Superstar. His shirt comes with a free rock, that is true. The plain white Cam Patterson t-shirt comes with a free rock. You can't make it up.

Get it. Killmerch.com pulled another name out of the bucket. Cam Patterson is a tough act to follow, but we're going to get through it together. Sixty Seconds Uninterrupted by Isabella Sosa Everybody.

Isabella Sosa.

I needed this, I really did. I recently had to break up with my Mexican boyfriend, but it's okay. I'm seeing the silver lining. Now that we have separated, I have been identifying as a Latinx.

Gracias. I'm not Latina, but my last name is Sosa, so some people assume that I am. And if you do need proof that I'm not Latina, just look no further.

It's easy to look further.

I'm Asian, and that seems obvious to me, but if you do need proof that I'm Asian, here it is.

Just imagine me like on a stoop with a cigarette.

A sewing machine behind me, just.

If you were racist in this room right now, you would be so mad.

And I know what you're thinking, but Tony, don't say it.

Okay, what was it that you thought I would say? Chink? Oh, okay, are you Chinese?

I'm Filipino, okay, aw, all right, that's a whole different thing.

There's a whole other slur for that, kind of what I said, kind of, kind of, indeed.

You know, there's roots in the.

Anyway, it's, yeah, I love it. Okay, so welcome to the show, Isabella. Thank you.

How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I started doing open mics about five years ago, took a break in pandemic. Okay, yep, everybody did.

Yeah.

Where was that? at San Antonio? and here as well? Okay, so San Antonio is that where you're from?

Yes, sir, born and raised. Yes, sir. Okay, very good. What do you do for a living?

Without taking my clothes off, I make content on social media. What kind of content do you make? TikToks, comedy, fashion, sewing.

Wow, okay, is that real? I do reels you make a living....

You make a living doing sewing videos. Yeah, brand deals sponsored by Crocs, Adidas. You are, yeah, holy shit.

Wow, look her up, red band. Let's see what the fuck we're missing. Oh, he already has looked her up, he already has dM'd her.

He's ordered a bottle of lotion off Amazon, it's an hour away. Incredible. You are Red Band's type. He very rarely sits up straight during anybody's 60 seconds. And you had him.

Leaning over the fucking table for a second, what type of guys are you into? Isabella? White guys, whoa, red band? Look at this.

Are you into like slightly tinted green white guys?

Are you more of a red guy? Yeah, together, we're like a Christmas decoration. I like that, I like that.

I'm a Christian, very good. So when you say white guys, how'd you end up with a Mexican boyfriend? Or was that just for the joke? Oh, I was doing drugs at the time?

Oh, wow, really. yes. What kind of drugs were you doing? Oh, gabapentin, Adderall weed.

Okay, alcohol is that when you decided to cut your own hair?

That is incredible, whatever's going on there is incredible. Thank you, absolutely. How did that happen?

Was that by design? Did you ask for that? It's by principle, just been cutting my own hair since I was a kid. You really do.

Yeah, I really do. Wow, okay, you know, I'm a seamstress, so I just kind of apply it elsewhere. I hope your sewing is better than your haircut.

Unbelievable. It's okay, okay, Isabella, tell us more about your life. What else do you do?

Well, I am a seamstress by trade. There's a comedy club, I made all the curtains there, I've fixed people's clothes. Wait, wait, wait.

You can do curtains. Yes, I made all the curtains. I would love to hire you to do curtains. Wow, there you go, dreams coming true.

Red Band waited only seven months for his comedy club to be open before finally getting the curtains that he needed. Seven months ago. I checked out the curtains there, I thought they were a little. We just need more curtains.

We got curtains. Are you shaved?

Don't lean on me, you're disgusting. I fucking hate you and I can't believe I'm stuck working with you.

The loyalty that I show by continuing to let you sit next to me is unbelievable.

Are you shaved?

I'm kidding, I'm kidding, we know you're shaved.

I thought you were talking to me.

So Isabella, tell us more, more hobbies. You seem like a very active person, you have pets? Yes, I have five dogs and a cat.

Wow, Thanksgiving.

Maybe just relax a little bit. You're getting really amped up here. Five dogs and a cat. My goodness, what kind of dogs do you have?

The biggest one is a great Dane, the smallest is a pickapoo.

Tiny little thing, indeed.

Pickapoo Something like that, one of my favorite games to play with kids. Do you have a big house that they live in? Yes.

In San Antonio, it's cheaper. There you live by yourself, I live with my parents.

Five dogs, a cat, a mother and a father. It turns out. I left the Mexican boyfriend and it was a situation, but I'm moving to Austin in October. How long were you with the Mexican boyfriend?

We were high school sweethearts and then I got back on drugs and we dated again for a year. So he didn't like you when you were on drugs. I only liked him when I was on drugs. Oh, okay, what does he do for a living?

He's in law school, but that's irrelevant. Mexican in law school.

That's incredible, never heard of such a thing. Affirmative action wasn't overturned yet. Yeah, it's very, very rare.

The old Mexican law student.

ISABELLA SOSA Yes, sir. Okay, before we let you go, give us one more crazy fun fact about your life or something that we would find interesting about you. I'm learning ventriloquism, I'm trying to work on that.

Okay, can you show us a little bit of ventriloquism? Here? it is everybody Ventriloquism by Isabella Sosa here on Kill Tony. It's challenging.

I try to do it consistently, and it takes knowing the articulation and understanding how to use your throat and your tongue, you know, and....

Who said that? Get away, literally move over, fucking on my lap tonight, Jesus Christ.

Fucking disgusting. What a coincidence. Red Band has his hand up his own ass right now.

Keep her out here just a little bit longer.

Amazing, these are the Are you Garbage guys? everybody? Areyougarbage.com for tickets. They're on tour.

Literally the best. Okay, what's the longest set you've ever done on stage? 20 minutes? I'd love to have you on the Secret Show.

Thank you.

We like you, Isabella. Here's a joke book, there's a big joke book, very good, good catch.

There she goes, Isabella, Sosa, Everybody her kill, Tony debut, leaving with a gel blaster.

Pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys having fun out there tonight, huh?

Here we go, we're going to meet them all together. Your next comedian out of the bucket goes by the name of Sean Clark. Everyone, here we go, Sean Clark.

One more time for Sean Clark, everybody.

There's only actually 10 people here, that's crazy. It looks bigger on the computer. I'm sick of pop quizzes, sick of pop quizzes.

They give too many of them. They don't tell you in school that there's going to be a lot of them when you're done with school. They don't tell you that they're going to be administered by a police officer at 3 a...m. on the side of a highway, they don't tell you any of that.

They don't tell you you're going to fail, a lot of them, they don't tell you any of that.

GameStop They won't buy my games, they won't buy my games, they refuse to buy them. They say there's a no Asian porn game policy there.

They say that it's not actually a gamestop, but an inner city preschool, and I need to leave immediately so that could be on me. But to be fair, they called it gangstop, which I think is a little misleading and a little confusing. Thanks, that's it.

Whoa, Sean Clarke yikes holy shit, more like.

Please stop.

Sorry, we're not taking your games here either. My friend. Holy shit, nothing you said was real, it was all just fantasy stuff.

You started out by saying, there's 10 people blatantly in a room with hundreds and hundreds of people packed into it tight. What did you mean by that? There's 10 people here? You said it looks bigger on the internet, is what you said.

What did you mean by that? Are you talking about what you can see? Yeah, it was more of a violent panic reaction than anything else, just kind of regurgitation, all right.

Straight up.

10 people Okay, so you wish you wouldn't have said that? I'm regretting that.

How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? This is my first time there you go. That makes sense. I remember when I thought that that would work when I started stand-up comedy.

I think it's a very common trait of people that are very, very, very, very, very just beginning. Is you kind of think, like, Ah, they'll never see this coming, because it's a this and it's a that. So let's try to figure out what's actually funny about you. Sean Clark Let's do it, let's dig right in.

What do you do for a living? I'm between jobs, so I'm unemployed, so what was the job before? What's the job you're going for?

I worked for a tech company in New York City and they laid me off in March, so just now I'm going to Phoenix soon to work for another company. Why another tech company? No.

Now I'm going to do property management for vacation rentals. Ooh, okay, yeah, that does not sound like a lateral move. No, it does not.

And why? Phoenix, Arizona? What made you pick there? You were in New York City? Well, one. They gave me a job, so that helped.

The other option was to not have another job, so I went with Phoenix. Did you try to get a job in a city other than the middle of the desert? Yeah, no, I did. I tried New York and there was a lot of people getting laid off at the same time.

Why did you get laid off? why do you think they decided to trim you out of the budget? Oh boy, he ran his minute.

I can't imagine that I was worth what they were paying me before, so at some point they fucking got smart. I don't know how much were they paying you, only like $80,000..

Okay, this kid failed the third grade, for sure. Yeah, what are you saying? Hold on.

How long are you in Austin for? What are you doing here? I'm here until Wednesday. I'm here visiting my girlfriend who had a surgery. She had surgery on what?

She said I'm not allowed to tell you an ovarian cyst, no. Was it elective surgery?

It was somebody got some titties, it was an elective surgery. Was it a boob job? It was an elective procedure.

Okay, but I'm still here. Is she a stripper? No, she could be after the surgery.

Rev him up.

She could be incredible. Okay, so tell us more about you, Sean. what else are you into?

What do you really like? What's going on? My buddy said to say that I'm allergic to latex, apparently that's an interesting thing. No, it's not.

Your buddy's an idiot, he's an idiot. Do your parents like you? I think for the most part, they've distanced themselves a little bit.

Are they in New York, Upstate, New York, Rochester? Hell yeah, baby.

You know how I know the worst people are from Rochester, New York. It is incredible. Just a bunch of people that literally their parents, parents, parents, parents, parents, they all just stayed where they landed. They arrived to America.

They found some area in Rochester, they settled down. And it's generations of people that never moved, never chased a dream, never took a chance. And that's what you have in upstate New York. It's just filled with fucking people that are like the flavor of water.

They just have no character whatsoever, and when they do come into a real city to chase their dreams, they end up like this guy right here.

So Sean, your parents are in Rochester.

Unfortunately, yeah, and you're from Rochester, that's what runs through your veins, yeah.

Garbage plates just through my blood, that's true, you are garbage. No need for you to be on their podcast, we already know.

That was never going to happen.

I love it. So Sean, this girlfriend of yours getting elective surgeries. She lives here in Austin. Yeah, why does she live in Austin? because her friend from college moved here.

I don't know, she doesn't have a good reason. What does she do for work? She's a consultant for a consulting company, a consulting....

She is my.

Is the consulting company the red or the yellow rose?

Yeah, I feel like you're just paying for a stripper's in-plates. To be honest with you. It's funny because she lives right near the Red Rose. Listening all these years, I was like, I didn't even know what the Red Rose was then she lives near it.

I was like, that's what the Red Rose is. That makes a lot of sense. Does she sometimes miss your calls between 10 p..m. and 3 a..m? Yeah.

It's tough getting a text back, the calls are definitely a no-go, I bet, I bet tough out there for a Phoenix property manager.

Wow, wow, Sean, what made you want to start stand-up comedy? what made you come here tonight and try this for the first time? Here? I got laid off and my life got significantly shittier.

I was like, Well, give comedy a try. Uh-huh. Do you think that there's anything that, like, I said, you used a lot of fake premises and things? Have you ever even gone through a DUI test?

No, not even close, never, and you've never tried to return a video to a gamestop? No, that I have tried to do, really.

Not Asian porn, but I have tried to return videos or not return but sell videos to GameStop. Didn't you allude to being a sex offender? That's true, right? Is that true?

They have to do it, we can't initiate it. It depends how good your internet search is. All right. Has somebody ever told you that you're funny?

People have, people have. Yeah, his stripper girlfriend. You're so funny. you're so funny, daddy.

I feel like I'm better in improvisational things, but I've been trying to run away from people thinking that I'm gay. Since I did middle school theater, you did middle school theater, I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah, can you give us a little scene? Can you show us some of your acting chops here?

Doing a little bit of acting, some upstate New York acting for you, this is Sean Clark. Everybody, here we go. I'll be reading for the part of Sailor Ensemble in The King and I, okay.

Oh, yeah, you're gay, dude.

That was it. Wow, incredible. All right. Little joke book activated. Sean Clark, Congratulations.

Your first time ever doing stand-up? Kind of, almost kind of here. Take some Zip-x nicotine toothpicks, too. Thank you, it'll take the edge off of whatever the fuck you just did up here tonight.

All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. We still having fun out there.

Things just picked up one more time for Rick, everybody.

All right.

Okay, I'm here to bring the energy up.

I look like Spider-man got bit by a normal spider.

I went to the cinema last weekend and I forgot to put my phone in silent mode and nothing happened.

Did you guys know that when cats know they're going to die, they look for a very quiet and isolated place to die away from the other cats? Yeah, they come to my place.

Thank you very much.

Wow, oh my goodness, fucking rollercoaster of a show. Holy shit, I am in love.