Terminally Online (Subscription Show Best-Of!)

Hey everyone, we are off today. We're all enjoying our memorial Day, but we wanted to share this best of episode from our new subscription exclusive show, Terminally Online.

I bet I'm featured a lot in this.

There's a revolving cast in the show that includes us, the three of us, with some of your favorite crooked producers and staff. And we basically gather to commiserate about being way too online. Yes, we do, which we are as we make shows here at Crooked Media. Except for me, I'm pretty offline.

Have you seen what Cat Turd said lately? He's out of control, human xanax, we call him here.

I did bring cat turd up during Pod Save America.

That's a good hour ago.

I did anyway. We hope you enjoy it. It's so fun. I love this show, it's so fun recording terminally online.

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Right, it's like bidding on a dinner with McCarthy $100,000, you get dinner, $200,000, you get to eat alone.

Anyway, you're going to hear a bunch of different voices in the excerpts. This is a best of show of Terminally Online that we put together for you today, and here it is now Terminally online. Enjoy it.

All right, I'm jumping in. We're starting no small talk. Welcome to Terminally Online, the crooked subscription show I'm Elijah Cohn.

I'm Jon Favreau.

I'm Jon, I'm just imagining Elijah saying that on a first date.

I'm Halle Cooper.

I'm Tommy Vitor.

This is a chance for us to commiserate about being way too online as we work here at Crooked Media and cover the news. So we're going to start with a little bit of an audience q&A One or two questions.

Oh, all right, no one told us this.

Yeah, guys, I was like, I don't care about the writer's strike, you're tearing up this script, we're doing it my way. Hey, pencils down people.

And then we're going to end with a little segment I'm calling Advice column, so we're trying things out here.

Oh, I like that.

What a clever name.

Thank you, Halle.

Air quotes. Was it even more insane?

One thing we like to do on the show is bully Elijah because he's on Zoom.

Yeah, exactly what happens?

Yeah, it's easy. I'm muted all the time. Jon Favreau What is the moment you realize that you were too online this week?

The moment I knew that I was terminally online this week is when I found myself knowing every detail of the fight between Elon Musk and Matt Taibbi.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

For all of you who have not followed this, I was riding shotgun with you. Pal Matt Taibbi, former lefty journalist who's gone all the way around the political horseshoe, now, he's a righty media guy. Elon Musk hands him a bunch of internal Twitter info, Twitter emails, which is supposed to show that. The previous Twitter leadership was in cahoots with the deep state to censor conservatives and and defeat Donald Trump. The Twitter files, the Twitter files, they're called branded now.

Elon then replied Through a graveyard.

Elon He just kept on posting, he just keeps on posting through it. And he replied to a tweet from one of his other Twitter files fanboys. Michael Schellenberger with screenshots of his private signal conversation with Taibbi that he thought would prove that Taibbi was in fact a substack employee.

So we're looking at screenshots, it's like a jenga, we're looking just for everyone, for everyone. If you're just tuning in, we're we're looking. John has now brought to us screenshots between Matt Taibbi and Elon Musk and Signal.

Here's what's amazing is that Elon thought that these private signal messages would prove that Matt Taibbi was an employee of substack. As he says in the DMS, I was never a substack employee, I was merely one of the first contributors. So the great Aha moment from Elon Musk, which he proved that he was right this whole time, just was nothing. And then Elon had to delete these because he then felt bad.

This is a genuine question. Do you think Elon Musk could read? I genuinely don't know at this point.

It's like, ready fire. Aim on every issue all the time. The interesting thing about it is, he really is just a Twitter power user with too much authority. Now. Yeah, because he really is just he posts through it.

He just tweeted just a couple of minutes ago that the defund NPR. He gave an interview with BBC last night where he someone said, Well, you promised you'd step down as CEO if you lost the poll, and you did lose that poll, so why haven't you stepped down? He said. My dog is now CEO of Twitter, and that's he just kept saying, This is the worst.

They took W out of Twitter, so it says hitter.

Yeah, yeah. And they reply to every press request with an automatic poop emoji.

Yeah, that's all. This is like a piecing together a suicide note over time. And I'd be like, if I started to do all of this stuff, I'd be like, Yeah, things are really falling apart for her.

Yeah, anyway, that's all. That's what I got. I'm too well lied.

Yeah, listen, if you want to go deeper, watch the Nettie Hassen interview with Matt Taibbi where it does not look good.

No, he doesn't. I think it's a five. John. I think that's terminal.

No, I think you're, I think you know too much.

Last time, I think I came with a pretty weak entry last time, so I wanted to make sure I was sufficiently terminal this time.

Yeah, you're terminal.

I'm going to give it a four though, because I feel like we could do better. OK, I mean, personally, but what are you guys?

Well, I mean, death is, you know, you don't get more dead, he's, he's there.

All right, let's keep this segment rolling.

One note on this is that Elon Musk says he's going to get rid of blue check marks. For people who don't pay for Twitter Blue on 420, which is so cool, so funny. What are we going to do with the pod Save America handle? Are we going to pay for Twitter blue?

Oh, we are. We are not going to pay Elon Musk one fucking red penny. Absolutely not absolutely. That'll be a lot.

Dying breath people, the Tesla owner over here.

I'm trying to get rid of it, can't offload it. Think, are you? It's like, Oh, it's like, it's like drought, it's like driving around with it.

Where's the ad for it?

You're changing, your tune has changed. What do you mean? My tune has changed? I've been trying to get rid of this thing for fucking months.

How have you been trying to talk to us about the process?

Well, I'm trying to find another car that I've been on Craigslist, I need to find it.

Is it, is it in the wanted ads in the back of the newspaper?

The thing is, there's a car I want, but it's not out yet.

Is it the Cybertruck?

And it is it is. Love it. It's a cybertruck, guys, it's the cybertruck.

It was nice to know you because you'll be dead within days when you have that thing.

Yeah.

They tweeted a photo of the cybertruck like the newest one. And even in that photo, like you could see, like the panels are peeling off. And I'm like, what?

People are going to die. It's also I didn't, he didn't own Twitter. When I got the fucking Tesla. He was a little annoying, but I didn't know it was going to be like this.

OK, much like Starbucks and the olive oil.

We all have to learn, you know, love it.

When were you terminally online this week?

So now I've been mocked for this in the past, and I'm sure I will again. I am part of, basically, I think, what amounts for?

Are you looking for those easter eggs?

I'm looking for those easter eggs everywhere. Now. Her tour, The Era Tour, Era's Tour, has begun and there are signs. But I don't want to really. We can show a clip that gives you that gives you a taste of what's happening out there, OK, So, just to recap, Taylor Swift opened the Era's tour like this.

When it's black and white, not all of this shit.

So basically, there's a claim that, like in the color she's wearing on stage, she is doing various versions of the Pride flag, right, in that case, the lesbian, the Lesbian flag. Now there is a moment later, where it's it, there does seem to be. There's a suggestion that her outfits are meant to mirror Carly Klaus outfits, including the Moment Carly Klaus outfits, not clothes like Santa Claus Carly Klaus outfits.

Please, this woman is a walking pride flag.

But I don't want to talk about that. This is not actually what makes me feel online because a lot of people know and talk about this. That's not what I'm talking about today. Here's what I'm talking about today. Let's go deeper.

This is the suitcase rumor.

This is no, no, no, this is people trying to get evidence. Can we show the clip of the janitorial cart moving through the arena?

You're building a case which I really appreciate. This is great. Paltrow's trial over this. Is you as your lawyer, so?

So there's lots of footage like this of a janitorial cart moving around the arena. The only problem is it is rare to see a cart that big. Moved by two security guards with headsets on, followed by several other security guards. But then, finally, at long last, after many clips like this, we have the proof that this is a fake cart, because there it is. This is like the Zabruder film. I was going to say, the cart is parked.

These things are unrelated. I thought the cart was somehow.

OK, they're very unrelated.

OK, yeah, thank you. I would just like this three straight men, not to tell me it's unrelated. Hallie and I understand as queer people that the cart and the bisexuality are tied inextricably together.

She's coming out of the cart.

Yeah, exactly smart.

First of all, the the footage does look like it's being shot from the top of a bell tower, which I find very like. Who is filming this?

Second gunman on the grass, you know?

Well, or I was a book depository. Yeah, absolutely. It's from an an uncomfortable angle in my mind.

Thank you for getting that.

Sadly, I, unfortunately, I do think she's bisexual as well, but that's almost. That's much more of a bummer than if she was just straight. Because it's like, Oh, you can only convey your bisexuality through smoke and little like your little outfits. That's such a as a queer person, such a bummer.

But I 100 percent believe both believe the conspiracy part of Qanon.

Queer or not, yes, and I'm glad to see confirmation that she was in the car.

Thank you for choosing the car to.

I do not believe this.

But that's fine.

You don't have to stop, you're a Hitler.

I just know, I just think they're called Hitler's.

We're gay and you're Hitler's, Hitler, Hitler, No, you said, Hitler, it's high.

I see my backyard.

We can't give her a little time, we're giving her time. I'm all the time of the world. No one's going to. I support whatever choice and path that she's on, whether it's real or not.

Oh, of course.

It's just unfortunate she has to hide the half of herself.

You hate to see it in a in a cart of secrets, right in a janitorial cart.

Shame. People thought that she went into her apartment in New York once in a suitcase, I believe.

Yes, I remember this as well.

That's a thing.

Yeah, and it's Simone. Simone would know. Yeah, that was a rumor. Well, now that I've seen the janitor cart now, I believe that more.

She loves to be moved around in luggage, cart filled. She likes to move around in surprising containers.

How online is love it?

All right, well, give me a number.

Honestly, I think that's pretty impressively online. Yeah, for that's a four, that's a four.

I'm going to give it a three only because there is such a no offense to a baseline of conspiracy information available online. There are dossiers about Taylor Swift being queer. So you were building on it, but it's like, again, being a lawyer, which you are for this case.

I stand on the shoulders of giants.

Exactly 100 percent, so I'm gonna say three, not quite as online as I might seem.

It's all on Hunter's laptop.

All right, we'll say three and a half, to be continued. Tommy, how when did you realize that you were terminally online this week?

So I want to talk to you all about the most useless feature in all of social media, which is the Twitter. What's happening? section. On the right side of the home page. Yeah, you log on to Twitter on the web, there's a little section on the right hand side of the screen.

You're just hoping it's not your name.

Yeah, you just know you don't want to be, so check to make sure you're not trending. They get your coffee. So I was looking for a topic for today.

I'll play ball, I know he's still alive, I click on it.

It's a couple tweets about Jeffrey Epstein, your pal, and on the island, I know, OK. A couple more about Brian Epstein, the guy who discovered the Beatles. A clinical trial for a vaccine to treat the Epstein Bar virus, and then a tweet by someone with the last name Epstein.

See, now, that's worth it.

I like that now I'm back on board, right? This is great.

And then there was some extremely graphic pornography.

That we will not throw to that.

Who is this for? And what's wrong with me that I continue to click Epstein?

I'm glad I'm sitting on the Epstein, for sure.

It is designed much like Twitter is breaking. It's like it is designed to break you, like the logic is broken, so it's designed to mentally break our ability to seek logic.

Yeah, it's not good. Look, we were all spiders crawling on the internet, and then Elon came along and ripped off each of one of our legs. Now we're kind of running around a little kind of circles can make sense.

I'm looking Michael Cohen for five hundred dollars is trending.

That's interesting to me because Trump is suing Michael Cohen for five hundred million dollars for breach of contract. I got to tell you, just like 30,000 of you, Trump's got a great case. Michael Cohen has been a terrible lawyer for Donald Trump.

Definitely, yeah, yeah, not a good lawyer.

Totally violated privilege, would not hire him to be my lawyer. Terrible lawyer, absolutely. I hope Donald Trump wins that one.

Tesla's trending I wonder if this is about Lovett's car that he's trying to sell.

Yeah, and I listen, if you're one of our many wonderful friends of the pod and part of the community. And you're in the market for a barely used Tesla that does rattle on the highway. Like you're being shaken by God. And inexplicably, every time you make a left turn, it sounds like a fucking bowling ball is rolling somewhere to the right.

We will be introducing a special tier where you can pay for it and you will get the Tesla contest if you join that tier.

It's a very special tier that does come with a Tesla price to move, people price to move.

It is cool that NPR was just like, it's not a good platform. Yeah, I respect that entirely.

I do respect that. Well, it's actually the thing we've also noticed this over the years that, like, people don't click through and when we post pods, it doesn't lead to listens. It doesn't do anything.

It's not at all.

It's the worst engagement like you can look at a tweet, send a tweet that has like two million views. And it's like, I don't think it clicks. It's terrible. And but because it sucked up all the oxygen for every other kind of social. It's like, maybe like that was preventing something that would have had better kind of click throughs. That doesn't exist because Twitter was kind of central hub.

Let's all move to notes. We're ready to move to notes.

I'll go wherever people tell me.

I'm definitely not, I'm definitely not tootin you're not on post..news. No, I'm not on post.

Are you on post? I logged in once.

Oh, OK, how is it? Yeah, that's I. Sort of I was on notes and a lot of people being like, Hey, I'm here on notes.

I think actually the crooked discord is a lovely alternative to Twitter. We're like the talk show for news.

I know we've got a good squad and enjoying some folks on there during talk. People are folks.

There's also the marketplace where you can buy cars, sell cars, so we want the Facebook marketplace.

Yeah, I'll be honest, that's where it's all happening.

Crooked used.

Should we ring Tommy? Yeah, let's do it.

I think he is. This is indicative that he's not very online at all. Didn't really come prepared, just went to the trending page on Like the.

I think less prepared, so that's the reaction to Tommy. I will give you a two, though.

I'll give you a two, Yeah, I'll give you a two.

I'll take it. Listen, you guys go down that rabbit hole. It's also this sort of like, you know what, honestly, this is what you deserve. You're like, I come to get funny little jokes about the workplace.

Holly, when did you realize that you were terminally online this week?

Well, so I also came unprepared. I was offered a dispensation by Elijah as the God of this segment, to talk about producing a segment that relates to something that's very online. But again, Elijah told me I couldn't talk about it because he talked about last week, but basically, I'd love to leave it last week.

It is offense, it's meant to offend.

No, if you're 18, you don't have taste buds or whatever, that's fine. And then two. It was like a surge of every college memory of drinking that shit. And then just drinking like nine of them and throwing up in front of your friend or whatever. Then we both mutually put it down and said, I'm sorry, this was a bad bit.

We just killed, we just got out.

And Lovett chugged a whole thing of milk on stage in Wisconsin.

It's the carbonation and the cold that really killed it for me.

Should have shotgunned it, should have shotgunned it. Yeah, why didn't you? Yeah, that was the rug.

We didn't want to smell the rug, it would have at least been funnier.

But also, I literally couldn't even swallow the first sip because it was so rank.

You couldn't, I don't mind, Bud light. I prefer Miller lite, I prefer Miller lite.

I'm getting excited to drink Bud Light, just talking about this right now.

I would have a bud light right now with this segment.

I think you're both ridiculous.

I didn't dislike it, was just too cold to chug.

Too cold, and now I know for next time. To me, it had to be ice cold because it tastes like again rat piss, so I just didn't want it to be warm.

That was why it took me so long.

You guys are not on my team for the case race, that's for sure.

It took me too long to drink the chocolate milk in Wisconsin, and I had an ice cream headache.

And this is good production. Knowledge for me is that if you want to drink a liquid, a lot of it has to be warm.

I need room temperature, and I should have known that about you. You can't do warm milk, though, Jesus Christ.

Horrific, as bad as the coffee.

So the only reason I think it is online is because I saw something online that I was so moved that I brought it to real life. Which one would argue is actually the most online thing to do is that I brought it from online back into reality. And I think, for as a queer person, these are just going to keep happening, especially as it relates to trans people.

One second, which I don't hate, and it was surely made by fucking tortured Uyghurs, right? So it's like, Yeah, there it is.

Exactly, and so we have this, and eventually, hopefully, we'll have real liberation. But in the meantime, I will drink the Bud light, not because I want to support Bud Light or like, but I will support the gesture of pride.

It sounds to me like we did. It sounds to me like you were very online, you tried to go touch grass, yeah, and then didn't like it.

I touched my hands are all bad.

Inspired by Kid Rock and you're like, I stand with kids, so you got your Harry Potter book and you're trashed on bud light.

And I want to shoot something you like, I want to shoot that snappable.

Oh, no.

The fact you're drinking snap out of a glass with no ice is, to me, insane.

Listen, I wasn't trying to give him a branded image.

OK, that's fair. OK, I don't know what it. What would that rank?

Hmm, I think a four, three and a half.

I'm giving you a two, OK, I think two. I think Kid Rock sucks and you were right to try to tell him to fuck off.

Thank you, thank you, Tobby.

Love his music.

Well, we'll just put you in his music.

Love is, I mean, look, he's obviously an incredible musician.

He's an artist, he's an artist.

He's an incredible artist. We need to separate that art from the artist we have to when it comes to kid rock.

Much like how Hitler was a great musician.

Like Caravaggio, much like Hitler, did you see the video speaking of Hitler? did you see the video of kid rock deejaying at Mar-a-lago?

That's very online right there. Tommy just saved himself. You should have come here, why didn't you come with that? Yeah, I think it's a four or five right there.

You see this, no.

Tommy always upgrades himself, like halfway through the episode, he brings a pretty tame topic and then he jumps on someone else's.

People seeing this are paying for it. You need to know how filthy Tommy's keyboard.

And I am a disgusting person.

It looks like there's like Nutella on your keyboard right now.

The issue is there's something sticky. Got on and then it got a layer of fuzz.

Oh no, ok, all right.

You know what happens now? Oh yeah, my coffee has a little olive oil in it. I'm disgusting.

Oh yeah, it's still pretty gross.

Mine's permanently online. I was going to do HBO Max.

Yeah, that's why they did it.

Oh, that's smart. Oh, OK. I think it's also going to be a nightmare. On Sunday. There's going to be a ton of people complaining about it, like, What the fuck is this?

Can't wait.

My terminally online is, Look, I know I'm going to get killed for this. But succession. I like it a lot. But once again, like with the episode, I watch the episodes, I enjoy the show fine.

It feels like you're trying to say you don't like the succession, and it's like you're afraid of it. It's like you're a coward pretending to be brave. You're like Ron DeSantis.

Succession is a seven out of ten this season and everyone's getting a ten out of ten, so I like it.

It's fine, so I'm actually sympathetic to the situation that they're in with regards to the absurd branding journey of.

Yep, there it is.

You have been given a gift that is succession.

Yep, that's one location in 45 minutes.

I am sorry that your fucking Twitter, TikTok, Instagram, two phone experience broken fucking brain can't handle watching what is, ostensibly, you know, a play taking place in a fucking cathedral.

Fucking shit, I'm not saying it's not good enough. The problem is that I go on and everyone is like, this is the best thing ever and I just don't feel it. I just it doesn't move that way.

You sound like, right now, you sound like the worst executive at every network. Who looks at a fucking pilot and says, I don't find any of these characters relatable. You're the person that tried to stop Seinfeld from ever fucking airing. That's what you're doing right now, and I'm not saying you need a reason to not like it.

Not good enough.

Not enough houses.

So now a lot of other movies.

All right, also, like, Barry was pretty good, too. I like that.

I don't watch succession, and I was convinced by that argument.

So go ahead and tune in for the succession recap next week for all the subscribers. And Tommy and Dan will break it down uncritically together. Look, I'm very much looking forward to the finale.

I've been working on a candle and Elijah, shut the fuck up, so what's the fucking play? Yeah, we fucking let's fucking do this, yeah.

Yep, every week the best writing I've seen, and it's just Kendall mumbling the school fucking rocket ship.

Why don't you? Why don't you turn it off? Why don't you turn it off and go go on a fucking hike?

Because it's Sunday night who hikes on Sunday night.

And also here's Roman, Yeah, so I mean, yeah, well, fucking, you know, fuck you, yeah.

Very good, do you guys understand?

Elijah, I want you to understand something. You're, of course we understand it. You're not making a sophisticated point, you're making a simple point and we get it.

Yeah, yes, what's the point?

Show we all want to get back to our fucking lives. Listen, you drone on of this idiocy.

What's my online rating first?

Oh yeah, oh zero. You barely deserve to have a screen at all. I would say three, I would say three, just because you have to. Like, you watch something and then go on Twitter and like, check out, like, what people are saying about it, as you're watching it, like, that's, that's not.

I'm going to say four, because you go out, you do everything that Malcolm says, and then you come here and you complain.

And that, to me, is a lot of a dog in this fight.

I don't, I don't, I don't watch one damn minute of this show.

And I don't give a fuck.

And that's the freedom I've accepted for myself to hear you complain.

You don't have to watch it. Yeah, I'm with. I stand corrected. Even though I think you deserve no devices and you should be offline completely, I do think the way you should be removed. Elijah, Let's be honest.

Ok, wow.

All right, I'll agree, I'll agree, I'll agree with Hallie, I'll say, I'll say it's a four.

I.

Love it, yeah.

Last week, subscribers wanted to know the times that Jon Favreau got mixed up with Jon Favreau, and this week, Gretel wants to know Gretel. When you've heard that name.

Gretel You mean, like, wants to know what happened to her brother?

Yes, she wants to know times you've gotten mixed up with Jon Lovitz or Lyle Lovett.

So both have happened on the Jon Lovitz front. There was one time that was particularly interesting, and it was when I was doing a radio interview with some. I think you call them shock jocks, some area shock jock soundboard.

Did they notice that you were the voice of a 75 year old man?

Listen, your mind will do things and make things seem like what they should be. And then, on the Lyle Lovett front, Yes, people, when we're on the road, Holly's seen this, Malcolm, I don't know if you've seen this yet. I haven't seen Lyle Lovett.

You will, though, you will.

But at the beginning of shows on the road, we've started asking like, how many people here are waiting for Lyle Lovett? And it's never no hands.

There is definitely an older couple who came, I want to say it was Lyle.

Yeah, but it doesn't love it.

We were told after the show, elderly couple came up to the box office and were it had genuine surprise.

That it was not Lyle Lovett. Does he know what a podcast is? Lyle Lovett? Yeah, so yes, Lyle Lovett is very frustrated by this and doesn't find it very funny.

Yeah, I mean, you're already there, you're already bought the ticket.

I'm now going to try to start booking both John Lovett and Lyle Lovett. I think that would be a very fun, that'd be great. Yeah, it's like that SNL, where Jesse Eisenberg was like Mark Zuckerberg. And then Mark Zuckerberg came out. And it was him and Andy Samberg, who was dressed like Mark Zuckerberg. Like all on one stage, that I remember sucking.

Better, it's a shame that Lyle Lovett doesn't think it's funny because that's good content.

I'm sure it has. I feel like our fans can read, though. Yeah, that might be the difference.

Chief difference there, yeah.

Ben Hathcote, who is a producer here, he has a behind the scenes story that I found very entertaining. He produces things like this show. And then also political experts react.

Hey all, this morning I get to the office early, I'm an early bird, and it was just me and Lucinda, our CEO here in the office. Like Elijah said, we've been getting all these phishing texts and spam messages. So I get a text that says, Hey, this is Lucinda, CEO of Crooked Media.

You responded, I have the same issue. I rarely question people in power, which is a big issue.

So I walked into her office, like, walked right in and I'm like, Hey, and she looks at me and she's like, hey.

Across from her, at the desk. Made yourself at home.

And I'm looking around, I'm like, Wow, you know, this is the first time I've been in your office. It was so I was like, commenting on the Pink, chatting about design stuff. And I sat down. And, you know, she looks at me and she says, How are you?

So you do not say at any point like, Yeah, so I got your email or anything.

No, no, so so so because I had left my phone at the desk. So then, you know, we talked a little bit and she's like, You know, Hey, I'm glad we could do this, I'm glad we could talk.

But but I was, I was receiving.

I was receiving these texts from her while I was in there, meeting with her.

I'm sorry to put it together, you started to put it, you started to put it together. Like I should have brought an Apple gift card for her, she was waiting for me to offer her a gift card.

And I felt like a big, a big fool. I slacked her. I'm like, wait a second, you didn't, you didn't invite me to have a meeting with you.

That's awesome.

That's way better than what I was going to do.

Yeah, seriously, that's great, that's great, That's so funny, I love, I love that.

No, no. And then, like, who was more confused? was it? was it me or her? I mean, luckily she, she like, rolled with the punches. She was, like, good about improv, this, this meeting.

Myself at home, I think it's cool as hell. Thanks for telling us that. Yeah, hey hey, we believe you.

Thanks y'all.

Let's go to the advice column.

Dump him, that's a that's a deal breaker, ladies, dump him.

He's just got that in you.

I'm going to tell you how it works. Subscribers ask for advice, and this week, I'm the subscriber.

Well, so what's your question?

Are you going to ask us what to do because you're stuck in a red state? We're quite balanced.

Elijah and Charlotte, that's a deep gut. He's like, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, North Carolina, you're on the air.

So you guys are Obama's former speech writers, spokespeople, how you're an excellent writer, you're a professional writer. Next week, I'll be out in L..A. seeing you guys because I'm going to a wedding.

First of all, if you were coming for a wedding, crooked paying for that flight.

Oh my God, no, they're not.

I can't believe it.

Here's just a question. Your tips if you have a time limit? I sometimes people say one problem.

Which is like, I can't think of a story with both of them in it. That's appropriate to tell at the at the wedding is my problem.

Here's to the one. You know. Here are a couple of tips. Keep it brief. Yes, that's number one, number two. I think most important advice for giving a toast at a wedding is do not talk about writing your toast or how.

Don't overwrite everyone overwrites their wedding toasts. Everyone uses way too many fucking adjectives to Tommy's point. Just tell it, figure out, find the story, find the story that's funny. Also, provide enough context around the story so that the audience, who doesn't know you and your friend really well and know the back story, can still understand.

They suck, don't do the things like, But you know what I'm talking about?

That time we were in no one else.

We were in Syracuse. I'll save that for another day, not for today, not for today. That shit sucks ass.

If you don't have a funny story, you should switch tack and just go. Incredibly emotional and incredibly sincere. And my one of my brother's weddings. His best man gets up, who's like, he's just a funny guy, he's from Ohio, you know, like he and he gets up and he gives the most emotional. Like loving, open hearted people who are sobbing. And because we just didn't expect it, that's what you do.

I think that's right, I think that's right, that's good too, yeah.

One of them comes up and tells you to do a good job, so really, it's like, it's your wedding.

It's your type. Go against that.

Yeah, powerful, that's just great advice. I was definitely going to do a little when I was thinking of writing.

It sucks, it's shit, it's garbage.

We've all seen it, you know?

And Elijah, Oh, it's also it's not a roast.

Right, it's not a roast.

It's not a roast, not a roast.

Was that helpful? That was genuinely great advice? OK, thank you, I appreciate it.

And send it to Lovett for a punch up.

Yeah, ok, yeah, thanks John for signing up for that.

And just be glad I'm not giving a toast to that wedding either, you know? Oh my God, because, you know, I always bring it.

Thanks for listening to Terminally online. New episodes come out each Saturday, and again, you can get more episodes by subscribing to Friends of the Pod at Crooked dot com Slash Friends.