Boy Man
2023-12-01 00:54:54
Radiolab is on a curiosity bender. We ask deep questions and use investigative journalism to get the answers. A given episode might whirl you through science, legal history, and into the home of someone halfway across the world. The show is known for innovative sound design, smashing information into music. It is hosted by Lulu Miller and Latif Nasser.
Hey, it's Latif here. Before we start the show, I'd like you to meet. Yeah, I'm recording now. Oh, he's recording, all right.
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Mouthfeel like butter, taste like fish.
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Hey, I'm Latif Nasser here again, still.
And I am Lulu Miller. This is Radiolab. So where should we start this thing?
So the story I want to tell you.
It is a coming of age story, but it's a poorly timed one.
Okay.
What is that?
It's a coming of age story. What does that mean? But just at the wrong time, that's what it means.
Although, to be fair, is coming of age ever at the right time.
Well, I think you will have a completely different answer to that question after you hear this story, okay?
So basically, I don't remember this, but I got my first pubic hair when I was one and a half.
Whoa, that's so alarming.
Yeah, so this is Patrick.
I'm good, sorry.
Patrick Burley.
A couple minutes late.
Nowadays, he's a writer in Los Angeles, but this story starts many, many years before that. On the other side of the country, out in New York City, it is the early 1980s. Patrick's parents are both actors doing their best to take care of this new baby. When they notice this pubic hair. And as he starts to get older,....
I was like, really aggressive, like on the playground, you know, I was constantly like punching kids and just losing my temper and....
So are these like how old are? Like? These are your first memories? I'm four.
I'm like, three, four, yeah, this is like, yeah.
And this kid is growing like no kid you've ever seen.
You know, I was like three years old, for instance, but I looked like a seven-year-old.
Whoa, that is a big gap.
And what's happening here? I mean, it might be obvious. But Patrick has a genetic condition called testotoxicosis, where his body started producing testosterone way earlier than normal, which essentially meant that he was going through puberty as a toddler.
Precocious puberty.
You know, obviously this is really an extreme story, this is a story about puberty happening earlier and more intensely than it does for the vast majority of us. But hearing him talk about it, I find so relatable. Because, you know, we all go through puberty, obviously, whether you went through decades ago, whether you're going through it right now, and you know, we all go through puberty. And we all end up facing a version of these two huge questions, how much of the awkwardness, and really the kind of agony of that time comes from inside of us?
And then also, to what extent does it make us into the adults we become?
When I came to the NIH, I happened to join a lab focusing on this particular rare type of precocious puberty.
This is Ellen Leschek.
I'm a pediatric endocrinologist at the National Institutes of Health.
She spent decades studying kids like Patrick, so I just asked her, like, what was going on in Patrick's body?
Well.
Puberty is a very important stage in your lives.
Normally, what happens in puberty is when a kid gets to be about, you know, 11, 12, 13.
This little part of our brain.
The pituitary gland in the brain.
Wakes up.
Releases a hormone.
This new hormone....
And it flows out of the brain.
Circulates around.
Makes its way to this receptor.
The testicle.
The testes.
Plugs into the receptor.
And as a result?
The sex glands now increase their own production of hormones.
Testosterone is produced.
That testosterone swirls all around the body.
Going to your muscles.
Making you grow body hair.
Cubic hair.
But also.
Changing all sorts of stuff in your brain.
This is friend of the show, Robert Sapolsky.
Neuroscientist and primatologist at Stanford University.
And, he says, when the testosterone makes its way back up to the brain.
It takes certain impulses....
Sexuality.
And aggression.
It ups the volume.
Ramps them up.
So that's the normal, that's a normal.
Now....
For Patrick.
With this particular disorder.
The body sort of gets ahead of the brain.
What do you mean?
Well, the receptor in Patrick's testes.
The one that's typically activated by the pituitary gland in the brain....
Has a mutation.
And that mutation, it's a tiny little mutation, it causes that testosterone production to start...
Before it hears from the brain.
From day one.
So, in other words.
Like, as soon as Patrick had testicles....
Even in Utero.
They were producing testosterone.
Unregulated.
And so the physical effects of testosterone hit Patrick.
Right away....
I would get these erections.
And like toddlers get these, but like these were like erections that were like, go have sex....
And when the testosterone doubled back to his brain?
It wasn't coming back to the brain of a teenager, it was coming back to the brain of a toddler. I mean, at that point, did you even know what sex was?
No, I didn't understand sex.
All I knew it was like the most primal impulse, it was just like this thing is happening in my body....
And like, it wants me to.
Um, have some kind of like physical interaction with a girl....
Now precocious puberty.
The specific version that Patrick had is super rare....
Affects about one in a million people.
So guys, I'm actually one in a million. I mean, I yeah, I know that's the silver lining of this all....
You can say that.
But also....
It's hereditary.
So my father had had this, as had my grandfather and my great-grandfather, and we traced it back to my great-great-grandfather....
So your mom knew this was coming?
Well, they.
It's they knew that it could happen....
But now what was happening?
They have a toddler who's going through puberty....
You know, they didn't know what to do.
They didn't, you know, there was no. My father hadn't been treated and....
They were totally overwhelmed.
And then one day....
One of my mom's friends.
Like, this is an incredible coincidence that she saw in the paper. Like the National Institute of Health is....
You know, looking for test subjects?
That have, like, exactly what I had....
So when Patrick was three years old?
He and his mom got on a train and went down to the NIH....
One of the things that I remember about Patrick is that.
He was tall....
This is Ellen again.
She was one of the doctors who helped treat Patrick's puberty....
We were trying to stop it.
Stop, stop puberty. But but a lot of times....
You're not able to fully stop.
And you're really just slowing....
She says when Patrick showed up.
The scientists at the NIH were just starting...
It was in the early days.
To learn how to do this.
In kids like him....
I was like their.
Lab rat, you know, and and and in exchange....
For free.
I received treatment....
He tried lots of different stuff.
Like Ellen said, there was one drug....
Called spironolactone.
Which had been developed as a blood pressure medicine.
But.
When they started using it for blood pressure, men started complaining about impotence, and it turned out it was because a side effect of this drug was....
That it blocked testosterone.
The effect of testosterone....
And so you guys were like.
This could be a feature, not a bug. Yes, and Patrick says,....
It kind of worked.
It slowed it down.
It slowed it down a little bit....
But it wasn't perfect.
Like, like some of the testosterone was almost like sneaking around the edges, causing his body to keep changing...
And so.
By the time he was in third grade....
I was like.
This eight year old, you know, like, trapped in like a sixteen year old's body....
Like?
He had a mustache, he looked like he should be in high school, which sometimes was cool....
You know, I was.
The first one hitting the ball over the fence in little league....
But mostly.
Was not....
I was like a freak.
Because I looked so strange, I was so big, you know, I got picked on a lot....
Like, what would they do, what would they say? like, what?...?
Yeah.
So I, you know, I remember when I was in, like, fifth grade....
Yeah.
I, I would walk home every day. We didn't live very far from my elementary school....
And.
And.
In New York, still, you were in....
No, no, no.
We had moved to L.A. Yeah....
L.A.
Okay.
Yeah, when I was about seven, you know, my dad, he'd been like a theater actor in New York....
And.
I was like a New York City kid, and then we moved to Santa Monica and I....
And I went to elementary school in Santa Monica.
That's a pretty big change for any kid.
Yeah.
Yeah, it was, it was, it was...
It was a big change.
It was always hard for me to sort of enter a new social environment because of....
Like?
How I looked....
Like?
He was big on the outside, but, you know, inside....
He was.
Still small....
So anyway?
I would, I would walk home from school every day....
And I would like.
Jump this fence and walk home. And every day there were these kids....
Who were?
Oh, they were probably like four years older and and they would like....
Wait.
And and you know, and they would like....
Push me around.
And punch me or whatever....
Like, they knew.
Despite what he looked like, he was really just a little kid. You could push around...
And then there was kind of the reverse.
When other people who should have known how little he was, treated him like he was much bigger....
So.
Um, one day, I'm driving, uh....
With my dad.
And on the bus stop is one of the kids....
Who?
Who picks on me? And I sort of like, tell my dad and um....
And my dad?
He, he like, pulls over and he like....
Jumps out of the car.
And he's like, you want to fight my son? like you think you can fight my son? And I'm like, sitting in the passenger seat....
And I'm like.
Don't please. And he's like, come on, like, look at this, like,....
Marshmallow-y kid.
Like you, you'll kick the shit out of this kid, you know? I'm like,....
Crying.
And I'm like, no, dad like no....
It's not.
Don't please, and he's like, come on like Patrick....
Get out here.
Like, you can, you can take this kid....
I don't want to like.
Vilify my dad....
Because he was like a very supportive and loving father.
But at that moment.
Patrick says....
I.
I felt, I felt that he absolutely had no idea what I was going through and and....
This is so ironic.
Because he's like the only other person in the world whom I've ever met who had this condition....
Like, if anybody should get it, it would be his dad, who also had been a little boy who looked like and was forced to act like a man....
You know?
Like by the time he was 10, like he looked like he was like 18 years old....
He was like a fully grown man.
At like 10 years old and he also his dad, my grandfather....
He had had precocious puberty as well.
He kind of he, he left....
And so my dad.
Who looked much older at like 12, like he had to, you know....
He like, went and like, worked.
In a cannery and like, supported his mom and like his two sisters, you know,....
And Like told her.
You know....
So he was the man of the house.
He was the breadwinner.
Yeah, and and yet, like growing up....
We never had that.
Kind of heart to heart, he was never like Patrick, like.
I know.
This is really hard, like you're going through this, and I went through this, what I've just told you about my dad....
And his dad?
And like that, like, that's like my mom, like, told me that....
And only when Patrick got older.
Did he learn other stories, too...?
My great-grandfather had been.
The youngest U.S soldier in World War I when he was 12 years old....
H.e.
He ran away from home and joined the Navy and fought in Europe....
Because he looked.
Because he looked.
On the way, Yeah, no, yeah....
He looked like he was 19.
And nobody figured out how old he really was until he was getting drunk...
With some other soldiers.
And they, like, hijacked a cargo plane. There are news articles about this....
And.
They hijacked a cargo plane and, like, took it up....
Joyriding.
What and..?
Yeah.
And they were all just wasted, and and they and....
And.
And and they, they grounded the plane, and they court-martialed....
My great-grandfather.
And only then, only then, did they discover that he was 13 years old....
They're like.
Son, you're acting like you're 13 years old, right, right? ....
And then he was like.
Well, I have something to tell you....
That's because I am.
Yeah....
Yeah.
But when Patrick was a little kid,....
It was just like a big.
Mystery.
He didn't know these stories.
So.
So in some ways, I was kind of on my own....
As Patrick got older, he kept going in for treatments.
I would spend two weeks every year as an inpatient at the NIH.
They tried all kinds of drugs on him.
Like, there were periods when I was taking 32 pills a day.
Like, I would take 16 in the morning and 16 at night....
But none of it worked completely.
It was very frustrating.
And often you'd take that frustration out physically.
I would break things.
I would punch things, punch people, you know, I felt constantly misunderstood....
Because I looked like a normal child, just much, much older.
All of this surface tension had built up and built up and built up over years, really.
Of having had precocious puberty, you know, and not knowing how to deal with it. And lying about my age and acting out because I was hormonal....
And getting into a cycle of being in trouble.
And then sort of just embracing this kind of bad kid persona that, you know, in many ways, had been foisted on me from an early age....
Because of my behavioral issues as a result of precocious puberty.
I was on the edge of going from being just sort of a bad kid, but on the level of a class clown, to being a delinquent. And really getting into stuff like drugs and other things....
That okay, now, it's not just getting into a scuffle in the hallway.
It's more severe and so right around 12, my doctors, they were like, Okay, he's 12. And we've sort of stemmed the flood for a while now. And we think we're going to take him off his medicine and see how he does....
And sort of let him, like, finish puberty, you know, finish puberty.
And, you know, so it had been almost.
It had been nine, almost 10 years that I had, you know, been on these drugs. That had done, you know, a sort of a halfway decent job of, like, keeping, you know, the testosterone really at bay. And then all of a sudden, I wasn't.
When we come back, Patrick finishes puberty.
And things get worse before they get better.
This week on the New Yorker Radio Hour.
Why Republicans won't brag about overturning abortion rights?
Donald Trump has basically said, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would like to take credit for getting rid of Roe v. Wade, but also not pay a political price for it.
The GOP abortion and the new battle over IVF.
That's the New Yorker Radio Hour from WNYC Studios.
Listen wherever you get your podcasts.
Lulu Latif, Radiolab.
Today, we are telling the story of Patrick Burley, who started going through puberty when he was basically when he was born. He was treated at the NIH, which slowed things down a bit. But when he was 12, his doctors there, they took him off the medications so he could finish going through puberty on his own.
And when they took me off the medication, there was like a precipitous change in my behavior. I, like, tumbled over that line from like, just like the troublemaker in class to like a delinquent kid fighting, writing graffiti, smoking pot.
Did it feel like it was your, it was your body carrying you away, or did you feel like these were were choices that you were making at the time?
It felt like I was no match for my body, like it just had its way with me.
And that spring, something happened that Patrick would look back on as sort of a culmination of everything that had happened before.
Right, so I met this girl at the mall, her name was Marianne and she was 17..
How old were you?
12. But I told Marianne that I was 16 and she believed me.
Pretty soon, they started dating.
And we didn't have sex. I hadn't lost my virginity yet, but it was like, close and so anyway. So Marianne, she was living with this drug dealer in Venice. So one night, it's like a Tuesday, it's a school night. So Marianne calls me up and she's like, Oh, you know, this guy, this drug dealer that I'm living with? Like, he just got in like this amazing acid.
You got to try some.
Did you know what that was like?
No, no, no. But I was like, maintaining this persona, this 16-year-old persona, and like, in my persona, like, Yeah, I knew all about acid. Like, cool, oh yeah.
White unicorns, Totally, those are awesome.
So, you know, I like, snuck out, it was like nine o'clock at night, I snuck out and like, this guy's car pulled up. And she got out. And she gave me three tabs of acid and I like, paid whatever, nine dollars or whatever it was.
But I like.
Your milk, money or something.
Yeah, exactly, yeah, yeah. And then they left and I, like, snuck back in. I waited for my parents to go to bed and, like, I took a tab of acid.
I just, I don't know. I thought it was just going to make me feel really great. So I'm like lying in my bed and I'm like, waiting, you know? And I'm like, I'm like getting impatient, like nothing's happening, and I'm like, this sucks. Like, is this stuff like even work, you know?
And so I take another tab.
And I fall asleep.
45 minutes later, I wake up and there are like stalactites coming down from the ceiling, there are like bugs all over me. All the worst things are happening to me and I'm like up all night, like having like the worst trip imaginable, and I'm 12..
It's terrible.
The next morning, I'm like, All right, I'm going to go and like, there's no way I can go to school, there's absolutely no way. So I went into my parents and I was like, you know, I'm sick, like, I really need to not go to school.
And they're like, But I was, I was trying not to act, I was trying to act like I wasn't on acid, you know? So that was like counteracting me, trying to act sick, like I didn't seem sick, because I was trying to act normal, you know?
And they were like, you're not sick, you seem fine.
You know, they were like, this is exactly the kind of thing they would expect from you.
Right, I was like, there's a total boy who cried wolf scenario. And so they sent me to school. And I, like, managed to, like, stay in the nurse's office for the for the morning. But she was really skeptical of me being sick also.
And I like the temperature and so so. Finally, at lunch, she was like, You can't stay here anymore, like, you have to go out to lunch. And I had, stupidly, I had brought the third tab of acid with me to school because I was so paranoid. You know, my parents were, they were very, they didn't trust me.
And I was afraid that they would find it. I don't know, and I was also I was on acid, I was still tripping.
So I went out onto, like the schoolyard where my friends were having lunch and I joined them. And they were also like amateur delinquents, and I, like, went up to them. And and I was like, Oh, you know? Instead of saying like, I had the worst experience of my life last night, like, never do acid.
I was like, Oh my god, dude, I did acid last night. It was the best thing, man. Like, I had this incredible, you know, because, like you, just I wanted to seem cool.
Yeah.
And and I was like, You know, I have one more tab, one of you guys want it?
And they were all they were, like, had the sense to be like, Oh, no, thanks, you know, yeah, maybe another time. But one of my friends, who was like, sort of the instigator of our group, he was like, I have an idea. You should take the the acid, the tab of acid, and you should, like, put it in someone's drink and like, and like, see what's going to happen.
Before I could say anything. Like. He had turned to our friend, this girl. And he had said, like, can I have a sip of your coke? And he, like, turned around and we like, put the tab of acid in her coke.
And she drank the coke.
And so there were two periods after lunch, fifth and sixth period, and sixth period was like computer class. And I had it with this girl who was our friend. She was like, you know, we hung out with her a lot. So we're sitting at these long rows and, you know, practicing like how many words a minute we can type? And and like, I look down the row and I'm like, watching her.
And all of a sudden, like, she starts, just like laughing.
Like, maniacal, like maniacal, like joker laugh. And then she, like, she like, jumps up and she runs over to me because I'm like her friend in the class, and she starts just bawling.
And the teacher comes over and takes her down to the nurse's office. And I like, freak out and I run down there and I just, I like, confess everything, because I'm, like, worried about her. An ambulance comes, Oh my god.
And they call the police and they march me out, you know, and they put me in the cruiser, and they take me to the station, you know, and they book me.
So what are you thinking when, when? I mean, what is going through your mind this whole time?
I feel, I mean, I'm mostly worried about my friend who's in the hospital, like having her stomach pumped. I mostly feel like overwhelming remorse.
And how long after you had gone off your medications was this month like a couple?
Months, yeah.
And I don't know like, do you think like it is precocious puberty, or is it? Or to what degree is it responsible for what happened?
Yeah, that's a good. That's a valid question.
One that I have often asked myself.
And I think that, listen, I don't mean to, like, absolve my 12 year old self of responsibility. It's unquestionably the worst thing that I have ever done. And what I will say is that I was this incredible mixture of naivete and, you know, 12 year oldness and also, just, you know, being advanced and really not entirely in control of my impulses.
I mean, you know, I had this testosterone just coursing through my body at an age before, like I knew how to reason.
Yeah, that's exactly what it is.
This is Sapolsky again. And when I told him about this, he said that. The reasoning part of Patrick's brain is this area called the frontal cortex, whose job it is to tell you like, Hey, maybe let's not put acid in our classmates drink.
It makes you do the right thing when that's the harder thing to do.
That part of his brain was not really online yet.
It's the last part of our brain to fully mature, not until you're about 25 years old.
There is this lag time between when Patrick's body matured and when his brain did, and the fact is, we all experience some version of this lag time. Like, even if you go through puberty at a typical age, it's still going to be way before you turn 25..
And this is why juveniles behave in juvenile ways.
It's so weird to see it spelled out so clearly, like we have. Humans have this built in decade at least. Where they have a fully mature body full of fully mature impulses and a little pea brain that doesn't know how to wrangle with them. That feels like a glitch in the design, like that feels like a problem.
Yes, but according to Sapolsky, there's a reason that we're set up this way.
If you're trying to get this part of the brain that tells you to do the right thing, even though it's the harder thing. It takes a hell of a long time for you to learn what counts as the right thing.
It's complicated.
Thou shall not kill. On the other hand, if you kill one of them, we're going to be really nice to you. Never, ever lie. But if you're like harboring refugees in your attic and the guys in the brown suits are there coming for them, you should lie to them. That's messy stuff.
And over hundreds of thousands of years of human evolution.
There's been selection to delay frontal maturation.
To give the brain time to learn the rules.
But the downside is you come up with adolescence and adolescent behavior because there's this mismatch for quite a few years.
For all of us, that gap is big, but for Patrick, it was enormous. Wait, So when you went to, they took you to, I mean, they booked you, the police did, did they? did they file any charges or anything?
They didn't file charges, they didn't file charges, luckily, you know.
I should say we reached out to the girl who's drink Patrick and his friends put the LSD in. She's grown up, she has a successful career. She did not want to do an interview with us.
And because of that, we don't really know what the aftermath of that event was like for her. But Patrick, after this incident, he did not go to jail, but he did get expelled.
From the entire school district.
And in 1993, his parents decided to send him off to a military school in Indiana.
Thinking that separating me from my friends in L.A. and from the things I was doing in L.A. and that world would, you know, would help me.
But it didn't.
They told me that I had amassed more infractions in, like, the six months that I was there than any cadet in the history of the school.
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