"Santa"

Smart. Blargh.

Guys, what a day, huh?

Listen, I'm going to be the first to wish you happy Christmas Eve, morn.

Yeah, happy Christmas Eve, morn to you guys too.

What are you guys going to do tonight? You know what we're going to do? We're all going to see each other, I think.

Yeah. Uh-huh. On Christmas Eve. No, not me.

I'm not going to see you guys tonight, because I'm not with you guys right now.

Oh, well, that's okay. We'll just zoom you in.

We're going to zoom in. Let's make this our little family tradition that no matter what, we do, little zoomsies with our fans and stuff.

Yeah, I would love that. I would love that.

Let's do it.

Do you guys have an ugly Christmas sweater? I went to an ugly Christmas sweater party once and I went on Etsy and bought one for, like frickin', $300.. It plugs into a battery pack and everything. It's got lights and stuff on it. Really?

I'm not a big fan of the ugly Christmas sweater thing. But I will say this. I do own one that somebody had made for me. It's really nice.

That's just a sweater.

And it says, Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself. Huh. But like in nice Christmassy letters. I swear to God. It's really cute.

She knitted me a real fetching vest.

Yes, and she wants photos. Will you guys do me a favor? We'll make her Christmas morning. If I can, tomorrow morning, show her a picture from each of you, just wearing the sweater.

Do you think I'm going to give your mother a picture of me in a sweater vest so she can go off and do her mad posting, like she's so known for? Mad posting? I'll get her social media profile on her.

She's not posting anywhere. She wants to see. She spent weeks knitting those sweaters for you guys.

I'll totally do that. Wait, do you guys open gifts on Christmas Eve or Christmas? Christmas.

We'll do one on Christmas Eve. Really?

Just to release the valve a little bit?

A little bit for the kids, yeah.

Yeah, we don't do that.

But we'll do Christmas morning and it's just a matter of tomorrow morning. it's going to be, especially the littles, keeping them from...

I just want to be able to get past 8.30 in the morning without all the gifts unwrapped and like, well, now, what do we do? I know. Stretch it out a little bit?

Yeah, and watch TV. It's just another day. It ends up being just another day.

Just another day to watch TV. It's like every time Sean buys a new house it's just another place to watch TV.

It is really true. I mean, if any link I've ever seen of any piece of real estate, it's always like, where's the TV room?

Yeah, I know.

Where would I be watching TV?

It's like when we're on tour. Remember, every time we go into any hotel, Jason would find the couch that was perpendicular to the TV and he'd have the remote and he's like, this is my spot.

Wait, what?

We're talking to Santa Claus. Is that a real Santa Claus?

Santa? Santa, this is incredible. So you're just resting up before... Are you smoking a butt?

I'm smoking. How are you guys? Listen, I don't have a lot of time, right?

And he's Persian.

No, I'm not Persian. What are you talking about? Santa Claus, Saint Nicholas. I'm Serbian. I'm Serbian.

Saint Nicky.

Saint Nicholas.

Saint Nikolai.

He's Serbian.

Saint Nicholas. Light of tree. Family's from Belgrade. And, you know, it's always been Serbian. But look, I don't have a lot of fucking time, man.

Is it true that your sleigh used to get pulled by goats then, instead of reindeer?

Yes, when we... Early days, that's all we had. And then my fifth cousin, he said, what about the reindeer?

And... Just off the top of his head.

And we're like, sure, we can eat them. He's like, no, no, no. They can fly. And I said, shut up.

Shut up.

Why do you have reading glasses on? You're not reading anything.

I don't... Look.

Do you know how old I am?

Every day I wake up in a ball of pain. Okay? And I can't see four feet in front of my face.

So... Santa, you got a hell of a night.

You're wearing glasses.

You got a real... You got a hell of a night ahead of you.

I mean, this is your day. This is your biggest day of the year, right, Santa?

Without question. What kind of question is that?

Well, here it comes.

It's the only day of the year that counts. And, you know, let me tell you something. The strike fucked us. Okay?

Oh, you guys...

The elves tried to organize?

The elves totally organized. And, look, I can't do what I do without the elves. There's no question. Okay, so I respect that.

Sure, but be honest. But be honest.

What else is an elf going to do? It's the only... They don't have any other job skills.

Well, they could do stand-in work for young actors.

I guess.

Yeah. I guess.

Wait, Santa. Santa, are you willing to go on record? Did the elves... Did Fran Drescher get to the elves?

Fran, you know what? Let's... That isn't... I dropped my cigarette.

I think it's in your beard. You're on fire, Santa.

That is a dirty word in our household, Fran Drescher. She got them all riled up, and then next thing, you know... Okay, so...

Here we go.

It's always been standard. They get, like, four sugar plums.

Right.

They wanted a break. They wanted, you know, they wanted standardized working hours. They wanted to... Instead of a 22-hour day, they wanted 21, and...

Are they concerned about AI at all?

Well, AI is... It's here to stay.

Yeah. Right. Yeah.

My bad.

My bad smoking. He's got a log starter to play. Wow.

When did you start smoking?

I got to tell you, not until the last 10 years, because... You know what the number one gift now is?

What's that?

High-end mattresses. Yes. Nectar. So I got to load... I got to load mattresses.

So...

Oh, boy. That takes up a lot of space on the sleigh, I bet.

It goes anything from Paw Patrol and Bluey, and then the number three is mattresses. That's everyone's list. They want a high-end mattress.

So I'm like, fine.

But do you realize how much time and effort...

I can only imagine.

I'm cramming mattresses through door...

I'm like... I'm busting up windows. I'm tearing through French doors. Anything to get the mattress in.

Because they don't go down the chimney. Only you go down the chimney, right? Exactly. You can't roll them up and put them down there like... Yes.

And what's crazy is a lot of mattress guys, they're like, they won't do flights of stairs. They get to the house, they're like, no, we don't.

And the elves won't, for sure. So I've got three mattresses strapped to my back,

No.

Yes.

Wait, wait.

You're this close. I am this close. You might call it quits.

I'm this close.

This could be the last year.

Wow. There's a very good chance.

Well, do you do any sort of like...

Unless they revolutionize the mattress.

What if you just bring a bunch of yoga mats? You think people will go for that instead? Maybe? Now, what kind... Do you do any carbo-loading today?

By the way, I don't want a ton of... I don't want a ton of letters to the North Pole telling me that elves can't do anything but work on toys and build mattresses. Okay, I don't want to hear about it.

Noted.

Okay.

We'll reinforce that afterwards.

Santa, how do you spend your time after you deliver all the toys and the gifts and everything? What's your down time?

You have like a spa day? Hold on, hold on.

Real quick, hold on. I need to pay the bills.

I'm sorry. Oh, here comes an ad.

There's DNA, then there's heavy-duty DNA. H-DNA. It's what every GMC Sierra HD is born with.

Unbelievable.

And it's engineered into every aspect of the GMC Sierra HD. With the pulling power to prove it. Tow hitches of the world. Prepare for glory.

Prepare for glory.

Wait, are you... Do you endorse... Do you work for GMC?

Yes, I work for GMC.

And guess who doesn't? Do you? Not anymore. I guess not. Do you?

Did I get a thumbs up from your audio team? Do you think that? It was good?

It came through. just perfect. It came through clean. Guys, is it clean? Yeah.

Came through perfect.

Great. Thank you.

Sean had a great question. My question is, do you have any sort of prep that you do to get ready for tonight? as far as, like, you know, stretching out or eating a bunch of carbs? And then Sean wanted to know, what do you do to relax after your big night? Like, do you have a spa day tomorrow?

I'll definitely do a cold plunge tomorrow. Do a cold plunge.

That's just right there outside the house up north?

Mostly, I just have a lot of lists. I have a lot of coordinates. Navigating. I have to figure out, you know.

We really appreciate the time.

Do you ever wear anything else besides that outfit? Or is that the outfit you wear every single night?

Sean, I have to tell you something. I don't know the other two so much. But you, my friend, you, are very talented. Growing up in Serbia as a young man, we only had two channels. And we loved you in Three's Company.

Yeah, sure.

And the commentary on American propaganda and consumerism and the fact that Jack was a spy for the U.S. government. Thank you.

That was fun. Thank you for getting it.

Right, and everything behind it. I remember the song, all the kisses are hers and his and hers. Right?

Right, yes.

That was very racy for Serbia, wasn't it?

That was good shit.

Hey, have you ever seen the film Elf? I've always wondered that. Have you ever seen that?

I don't like any of the Christmas movies. No, I haven't seen that.

You should try that one. That one is very, very good.

The one I watched and I absolutely loved was A Diva's Christmas Carol starring Diana Ross. That one is the most realistic one I've seen. I've seen so far. Excuse me for laughing. I'm not laughing.

Okay, well, we'll have to check that out.

Please do.

What is it called again?

A Diva's Christmas Carol, Diana Ross.

Sure. A Diva's Christmas Carol.

Okay.

So you don't care for any of the actors who have portrayed you in films?

No, because it's all crap. It's all bullshit. You would think someone would get on a Zoom with me and say, hey, what's it really like? But no, you know, and whatever.

I don't have time to talk about this. I know you don't have time. So let me just ask you really quick, because I know you do have to go. What are you going to go do? What do you do to go and kind of relax after your cold plunge?

Do you and the Mrs. and Mrs. Santa Claus, do you guys do anything to just kind of take it out?

We have a timeshare in Boca, so we'll do that.

Okay.

But seriously, I say, don't look at me till St. Patrick's Day.

Okay.

Don't even look at me.

You're a wreck.

I'm a wreck.

I'm an absolute wreck. Do you have kids?

No, we never got around to it.

How many, how many butts, how many, how many cigs do you get through?

Oh, I go, I go through, I mean, this is my, on my wishlist, Parliament's, and I go through.

It must be difficult to get those things fired up once you're up there on the sleigh.

Yep. Once you're in high altitude. And that's when I, when I get that nicotine withdrawal, right around Southeast Asia, it's a...

You just go right to the patch.

That's a real kick in the pants. Yes, the head, or the gum, or the gum, but the gum will get caught in the beard.

You sound a little like Will Arnett when you, now that you, you're older and you're smoking more.

Well, but, it has an effect on the vocal cords. I mean...

How old were you when your, when your beard turned white?

19..

Who are the naughtiest kids? just, just what area of the world do you find the naughtiest kids?

I'll give you the names right now. Brian Garner, Patrick Russo, Jerry Hampton, Tom Robinson,

Alexander Nails. So they're getting, what do they, what do they get?

Coach John Malcolm.

Do they, do they really get coal, or is that just a wives' tale?

They get coal. They get coal. I can't find coal as, as easily as... And it's no one wants.

Yeah, the wokesters, they got rid of all the coal.

With the mattress, it weighs down the sleigh, and et cetera. So, you know what I find that they were really bummed out about? Fruit. I give them fruit. Oh.

Overly ripe or not ripe at all? It can't be, can't be... Or a lemon,

and sometimes if I'll put a little inscription on note, on a lemon, and I say, suck it.

Just to personalize it.

Yeah. What's the,

what's the dumbest letter you ever got? Do you, can you remember any of your dumb letters?

The dumbest letter I ever got was from Jimmy Carter's brother, Billy Carter. Yep. And,

wanted...

What did Billy want?

I don't even remember what it was, but I just remember thinking, these guys are jackass, and, you know.

Clearly banged up.

It proved to be true.

And having no kids of yourself and having only to, like, deal with them all these years, do you still love kids? Do you still love being around them? Like, do you look forward to this year? Look,

I come off like I'm in a bad mood. I love kids. I do. Sure. The kids are why I come back to it.

Right.

Sure.

I guess so. I mean, it feels like you're just quoting a song, like a Whitney Houston song. Oh,

the kids are the future. And it could get all the kids to hold hands.

around the world. Oh no.

And sing a song in harmony.

Oh,

wait a second.

What a better place. this would be, right?

This is a Coca-Cola ad.

If we could get animated polar bears along with kids. Oh my God.

This is a Coca-Cola, how much?

And if the polar bear drank a bottle of pop, how easy would that be?

What are you, what are you making in endorsements pre-tax? What are you pulling in a year gross, would you estimate? If I may? Well,

talking, uh, euros.

Euros is fine. We'll take it in.

Pre-tax?

Pre-tax.

Well, we, the Serbian tax system is, yeah.

47 million euros.

Gross.

Do you have trouble finding things to spend that on up north? I'm,

I'm about to buy Chelsea, Chelsea,

Chelsea football club. Yeah,

I got a bid in. So, here's the thing, if I, if that goes through,

Right.

I'm done.

You're done with Christmas.

I'm done with all this.

You hand over the gig to who, to the missus?

I'll hand over the, I'll hand it over to, you. know, I don't care. I'll hand it over to you three jokers.

If you, if you, can you make this, if you, if you buy Chelsea, if that ends up happening, I know it's in the works and you don't want to talk too much about it, because it's still in the works.

I can't. I really can't.

You can't say too much, but maybe just ask you this, if you retain control of Chelsea football club, will you try to get American Christian Pulisic back on the squad?

That will be my first move.

That's your first move.

I knew it. Yeah.

Wait, Santa, I want to know, what is the, what does somebody get you as a gift? Oh, good question. The guy who has everything. Yeah,

well, I, obviously, I'm never going to say no to parliaments.

uh,

I like a,

a comfortable, a walking shoe.

Yeah. Uh,

like Clark's, or, uh, Johnston's. Sure. Okay. Or I've tried the, uh, oh, gosh, what's the, uh, I should know this.

How about the shoes that you don't have to reach down to put on? Oh, Skechers?

Sure.

Those work for you?

I love a good Skecher, yeah. I'm doing it. There may be, I can't say anything, but fingers crossed, there may be a Skechers collab with Snoop in the future.

With you and,

Me and St. Nicholas, Nicolaus, and, and Snoop.

Wow.

Yeah. Wow. Huh. Now, we, so we're making news. Is that okay to report that?

That's okay. That's okay. That's, that's like, we're on the five yard line, on that one. Okay,

gotcha. So, so Santa, again, before we let you go, what are you, what are you looking at? What's, what's your, what are you looking to be? wheels up?

Wheels up. We've got to start. Oh God. Let me see. What's that?

What happened?

No, just the, my, my chief navigator says there's a, that, the, that Icelandic volcano erupted again. So we're going to have to go around.

and find him.

Okay. So we'll probably have to leave three o'clock. my time, three p.m.

Three p.m. your time.

here's another secret. In order to deliver all the toys in time,

I have to do some of it.

in daylight. And it's just, you know.

Wow.

Oh,

the kids must hate that.

And the kids sometimes see me and I, I have to threaten them. I'm like, don't tell anyone or you won't get another gift.

Oh, so, kids have seen you, but you, the reason it hasn't come out is because you've threatened that they'll never get another gift. Threaten them.

and I also have the little memory wiper from back. Oh,

that started with you, huh?

I have that. Yeah. Huh? I have that. I have that.

I love that you're Serbian. I can't wait to spread that around.

Are you spending a lot of time back in Belgrade these days?

Uh, well, look, it's, it's not a safe place to be.

It's still pretty hot.

Okay, sure. Yeah, it's also, yes, and, um, I, you know, I have to roll heavy when I go to Belgrade. Uh, the elves look sweet. Yes, they, but they are, they're well trained, and, uh.

Okay.

And they know,

they know how to handle themselves.

Yes.

Sure, do you know personally?

But we'll stop. We'll go to Belgrade. We'll go, we'll go to Nobu and, uh, we'll say hi to people. And, uh, yeah, we'll do all the usual places.

Maybe have a meal with Novak Djokovic, or, you know.

Maybe with the Joker, yeah, sure. And, uh, some of Ili Nastas' family.

Oh, no kidding. Yeah, yeah.

He's Romanian,

but. Yeah, he's Romanian, but he spends time in Belgrade.

He comes over for the shops.

Yeah,

he loves the shopping.

okay, well, Santa, listen, again, obviously it's a really busy day. Is there any message that you want to, like, sort of leave our listener with, or the kids of the world, uh, just on this, on this epic. Well, yeah,

I think I said it. I want all the kids to hold hands and around the world and sing a song of peace and joy and harmony.

All right. Brought to us by who?

By Coke. Coke Zero. The new Coke Zero. The new Coke Zero. It might be, and I'm not just saying this.

I'm not just saying it. Okay.

I'm not just saying it.

Ah,

ah. Well, listen, Santa, what a treat for us to be able to spend just a bit part of Christmas with you.

it was a treat for you. It was a waste of time for me,

so. I know, I know. I'm gonna,

look, are we done?

Yeah.

Listen, best of luck tonight. I hope you have Yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah. Okay.

Santa, safe flight.

Oh, he left already. he left. And he's gone.

He left so quickly.

Well, we wish him luck. We hope he sobers up just a little bit before he gets behind the reins. Yeah.

To all our fans and everywhere, and from Santa, we can speak for Santa, Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, everyone. We love you, guys.

Merry Christmas to you guys. I love you guys so much.

Love you guys. Have a great, great rest of the Christmas Eve and an incredible day tomorrow.

Yep.

Merry Christmas to you guys and happy holidays. We love you.

And let's just say a very, very special Christmas.

Bye.

Bye. Bye.

Smart.

Less.

Smart.

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This episode was exquisitely handcrafted by our favorite Santa's.

little helpers. Smart. Less.

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