Armchair Anonymous: Cheated

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. This is a dicey prompt. Tell us about a time you cheated. Mm-mm-mm. Oh my lord.

It's not what you think.

It's not what we thought it was gonna be. I thought it was gonna be a bunch of affairs of the heart.

Yes, but we did make clear, don't make it just affairs of the heart. We want a wide range.

Open it up, open it up. There's nothing gross in this one. I think you can eat through all of it.

I think so.

Boy, we just don't know, but I'm 80% positive. you can eat. Pretty sure.

Risk it.

Prepare a meal and enjoy. Cheated. ♪ Hard times, come and go. ♪. ♪ Good times, take them slow.

I have a really important PSA for the armchairs. Before we jump into this.

Love PSAs.

This is real. This is serious.

Oh, wow, okay. I can never tell from the phone.

Well, it is relevant to Armchair Anonymous. Okay, so, my friend, Britt, you've met her. She's wonderful, Britt, Dehan.

Love her.

She texted me today that multiple people sent her the scams episode of Armchair Anonymous, because a couple days ago, her and her boyfriend were going to Mexico and someone called her parents and said, we have your daughter, we've kidnapped her in Mexico and they used AI to make her voice.

Oh, my Lord, for real? Yeah, and the mom. This happened to Britt?

Yes, and the mom was like, it was your voice.

Oh, my goodness.

Isn't that horrifying?

So yeah, you know what's crazy? People are just going to have to assume that no one's ever been kidnapped. You can't take one serious.

She was like, now we have a safe word. And so then I immediately texted my parents and I said, okay, if this happens to me or any of us,

we need a safe word. Under the stress and pressure of the sitch, you would forget the safe word?

No, I know it well.

Tell us your safe word.

But also she did say, our safe word should be this, and I said, we can't write it. So we made a new one.

But you said it on the phone to each other?

No, it'd be like if I said, it's going to be Kristen's middle name.

Okay, great.

And then everyone said, okay. Kristen. Yeah, exactly.

No, Annie. I know, I know, I know.

Well, Ann. It's not Ann, that's not the safe word. Honestly, tell your families about this.

because this is bad. Also, just hang up and call your child and see if they answer and they're safe.

Well, they were flying.

Oh, they were flying. Well, how do you get kidnapped when you're flying?

Well, they didn't know about this.

The full itinerary.

Okay.

A lot of tips here. Share your full itinerary. Keep an open line of communication at all times. Tethered. Live stream your entire lives.

All right. Okay. Well, we can get into this. I just wanted to tell people that.

Hello.

Hello.

You have an afghan behind you.

I actually just finished crocheting this recently.

Do we still call those afghans? That's what my mother called those growing up.

I think so.

I think it's a tapestry or a blanket.

It's a blanket.

But it's nice and thick. The rows are really thick and curvy.

Yeah, it was a pandemic hobby. I did a whole blanket. I hated it. So then I took the whole thing apart and made a new ball. And then I just finished this a few days ago.

Holly, that's a specific personality type.

I'm impressed.

That's a perfectionist. If you would unravel the whole thing.

Yeah.

So, for the listener, this is a very good size blanket behind you. How long did it take you to do that?

This iteration, two winters. Cause it is a strictly winter hobby for me.

Oh, okay. Where are you, Holly?

Do you want to guess?

It's so hard. Cause all we have is a blanket.

Summer cold.

Midwest. We'll start there.

Boston.

Oh, okay. Summer, cold. East coast.

It's summer cold. You're right.

Okay. So you have a story about a time you cheated.

Yes. I'm curious what form of cheating you guys are gonna hear.

Us too. Cause we don't know. Emma knows. Emma reads them all. Emma knows.

I'll preface my story by saying I was a shy kid growing up. I had the best family you could ever ask for. And I was a good student. So there's no explanation for this behavior.

Okay.

But I was in fifth grade and I went through this phase of bringing Hot Pockets into school. And I had permission for my teacher to stay back while she brought the students down to lunch. And I would warm up the Hot Pocket behind her desk and then go down to the cafeteria.

Wow. You were a teacher's pet.

You have very special privileges.

Definitely.

Did you have a favorite Hot Pocket? I'm just curious.

The ham and cheese. Classic.

That's a classic. The steak and cheese, though, was dynamite.

I liked the pizza ones.

I don't think I had steak and cheese.

It's hearty.

I honestly don't think I've had a Hot Pocket since then.

I could get into a Hot Pocket.

Oh yeah.

So we were given a math test one day and it wasn't standardized testing, but it was a statewide test. And they made it clear it wasn't going toward our final grade. They were just trying to gauge knowledge across the state. So I took this test. I am not a math whiz.

It's always the people closest to you that betray you.

And I found the answer key and my test, and I got a pencil and I erased all of my very wrong answers. I left one wrong, though, because I'm an evil genius. And I was like, this way I won't get caught. How old were you again? Fifth grade, so 11..

And Holly, about roughly how many questions were on the test?

I think like 30, and it was all multiple choice.

So one wrong is still pretty crazy. You should have done probably three wrong. You could have done three wrong and still been in the 90% A range. But it doesn't matter.

It didn't matter.

Right, well, we're gonna find out. I bet maybe it did.

Well, I meant it wouldn't have mattered for her grade. It was a weird time to cheat.

Exactly. I just kind of went on with my life. A few weeks later, my best friend Lizzie overheard teachers talking and saying, Holly got the best score in the whole grade. She's gonna get an award at the fifth grade graduation.

No, oh, no, fuck.

She quickly reported this to me.

And you had told her you cheated? Nope. Okay, great, good.

So I just started to panic and I was and still am a very anxious child. So just internalizing this fear. Fast forward to the graduation, we sang a horrible rendition of Because You Loved Me and brought flowers down to our families. And the principal explained the math test and said the student who got the highest score not only did the best in the grade, but did the best in the state. No.

Oh.

Oopsie.

This is, oh my God, I'm like feeling sweaty.

Yeah, this is the perfect punishment for cheating. Yes. Like you think it would be to reprimand somebody, but everyone just celebrate you and you're searing inside.

Oh my God, and think about the second best. I know. That's so sad.

And they probably got like 14 wrong. Like she thought, oh yeah, I'll get 10% wrong. She got one wrong.

Yeah, yeah.

It's funny, I was talking to my mom last night and she was like, yeah, I wasn't listening to that part because I just figured some brainiac was gonna win this award. And then I heard your name and I was shocked.

Oh, my God.

Well, look, she was right.

This is really scary, though, because as soon as you open this door to being a math genius, when you're not even good at math, then it's like, oh, you should test to see if you can get into Mensa.

Or you should be on the pre-calc trajectory. Exactly. You should be taking trig and pre-calc at the same time in 10th grade.

Oh, my God. Or what if they were like,

we need to redo this test. Yeah, we need you to do it live.

Yeah, in front of everyone.

All right, well, what happened? So they called your name.

I remember walking down the bleachers, but I don't remember receiving the award. My family was so thrilled and excited for me. So I was like, I'm gonna die with this secret. But I was like, it's fifth grade, nobody cares. But in case you didn't know, after fifth grade, there's more math to take after that.

Sure, quite a plot. Another seven years of it, as I recall.

So every year. I would not be doing well in math. And my parents would be like, what? You won the math award. I don't understand.

Best mathematician in the state. What a fall from grace.

The narrative I came up with, I was like, it was multiple choice. I got lucky. I don't know what to tell you. Eventually, I don't know why, finally, in high school, I told my best friend, Lizzie, who was the one who overheard, I was gonna win. And she was shocked.

Yes, yes, yes.

That summer, we were vacationing in Nantucket at my mom's boss's beautiful summer home. And it was my parents, my grandparents, my sister and brother-in-law, Lizzie and me all around the dinner table. And I unleashed the full story. And everyone was just crying, laughing. My grandma told me she had never been more proud of me than finding this out.

Proud of you for cheating, not for being honest about cheating.

For cheating.

You know. what's interesting is it could have been a weird self-fulfilling prophecy where you were so neurotic about getting found out that you ended up working six times as hard to maintain this lie and became a good mathematician. That could have also happened. Did you find yourself working harder at it? Or you just, you knew, like, I'm never gonna be able to maintain this.

I knew my brain didn't work that way, but I worked hard and would stay after school because I was just like, I just don't get this. So that also added to the chaos.

Yeah. What if you would have faked a head injury? Like you came home from school and you're like, oh my God, I fell and hit my head on a rock, mom. I hope nothing's broken permanently to justify why she sucked at math again all of a sudden. That's how lies build.

It is. And then they go to, you, go to the doctor. She takes you to the doctor and they have to, like, make up the whole scenario of how you fell and Lizzie accidentally tripped you. Liz!

Yep.

Wow. Lizzie.

Oh man, what a story. I liked that.

That's really cute, Holly.

It is cute.

I like when good girls are naughty for no reason.

Of course you do.

Like so unpredictable.

It's not for no reason. It's because you wanted to be perfect. Again, like your Afghan blanket.

It all comes back to the blanket. That's right.

It does. What a delight meeting you, Holly. You too.

And I just quickly need to say how much this podcast means to me. I've been an avid listener since day one. You guys have taught me how to be introspective and curious, and I just love and appreciate you both so much, and Wabi Wab if he's there.

He's here.

He sure is. He's currently really frustrated. He can't get our coffee maker to work. Like the look of consternation on his face is similar to right before you unraveled your Afghan.

Oh, that was a long process.

We appreciate that so much. We're so glad you've been listening the whole ride. I hope you'll stick with us for another jaunt.

I'm not going anywhere.

Okay, wonderful. Well, be well and very nice meeting you, Holly.

Thank you, you too. Bye-bye.

It's so weird that I wave, now you don't wave.

I know.

I think, maybe just-.

You took my thing.

Yeah, you wanna do your own thing.

Yeah, some things are just mine and mine only.

I know, you're cool. You're a trendsetter.

She curtsy or something. Oh.

Or fart.

Oh. Bye. That's how Monica says goodbye. It's proprietary to her. Don't do it, or she'll have to change.

Please don't do it, she'll stop. We're on malaria pills.

Jiggers?

Yeah, I took it.

Hello. Hi there. What fake name do we like for you?

I thought it'd be fun to have you guys pick any sort of generic white guy name.

Well, but you're not just a generic white guy, because you got spiky hair and some tattoos. I'm gonna call you Justin. I like that. I think that fits. How do you feel about that name?

Then I'm gonna embrace it. Call me Justin.

Okay. Justin, I'm encouraged by the fact that you don't want your real name used, because I hope it means your cheese is juicy.

Yeah, unfortunately a little bit.

Okay. All right, let's hear it. Where are you? Oh. Nope.

I was gonna ask, have you taken your upcoming trip to India yet?

That's tomorrow morning. But this won't air, right?

We'll be back.

We don't want anyone to know while we're gone, because I don't want to murder my family, but yes, we leave tomorrow morning. And so we started our malaria pills a few hours ago. We're a little nervous that they're making us insane, but I think we're doing okay.

Yeah, because the background is nuts. And for a second, I thought maybe it was just me going crazy. But I think you have done something cool.

So funny enough, I actually have my child's play tent perched above me. I don't have a walk-in closet and I'm trying to play by the rules as well as possible.

I appreciate it.

My background is blurred because it looked ridiculous, I thought.

Okay, so launch into how you cheated.

Okay, a little bit of backstory here. I was in my senior year of undergrad to be a teacher. This is back in the 2010,, 2011 school year. And I was doing my student teaching. So where I went to college was a city, but close by with some more like rural communities.

Can I just say, Justin, that's too early to go. like, God, I'm already a teacher and I'm gonna do this the rest of my life. Is that what you were feeling?

Exactly. I am living with five other guys in a college house, still very much doing college guy things. But in the daytime, I'm in charge of a room full of 10 year olds, being this professional adult guy. It's actually a kindergarten through eighth grade building. So it gives you an idea of the size of town.

You did gymnastics?

I was not a gymnast, no.

I'm looking at your physique and it looks very gymnast to me, which is a very high compliment. What was your sport?

So, believe it or not, I was actually a collegiate football player. I was about 40 pounds heavier than what I am right now. So I'm gonna take the compliment.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So anyway, I'm like, hey, I can be a middle school track coach. Fast forward, a couple of weeks into the season, we've practiced. We now have our first meet. There's not a ton of coaching. It's more babysitting and encouraging.

I did junior high track and field as the funnest activity of my life. Randy Hammond and I were both high jumpers. We were dating. There's all these other kids you're looking at, and meeting.

You loved it so much. I loved it.

I decide I'm just gonna kind of post up by one of the common starting line areas. And so smaller track, smaller bleachers. And then there's just kind of a four foot high chain link fence around the area where a lot of parents are congregating. And as I'm scanning, making sure my kids aren't messing around and getting in trouble and stuff, I felt like my eyes kind of made eye contact with a mom. And I just felt like she was looking at me.

Young mom?

Middle school age child. So I would guess right at like the 40 mark.

Juicy. Here we go.

Very attractive mom.

They can be. Yeah.

I noticed her and I felt her eyes kept being on me, but I have a girlfriend. I am trying to make a good impression on this town and school. And so just keep doing my thing. Next week, another track meet. Notice the mom there.

For the listener, you're extremely handsome.

Yeah, yeah. Really outrageous.

This is all making sense.

Yeah, there's tracks.

Just track and fields.

Tracks and we'll find out if it fields.

Thank you very much for the handsome comment. That's very flattering. But yeah, so a couple of weeks goes by and now we're approaching the end of the school year. I finally have a pretty good relationship with one of the other track coaches there. She was a seventh grade teacher at the school.

Bodily enhancements.

She got bigger knees. Longer legs.

She kind of dished me in. And so I'm like, I don't think I'm crazy. then. I really do feel like she's making eyes at me and on one hand flattered. But again, I've got a girlfriend.

We know you had a girlfriend.

He has to say that.

We know.

I mean, this is a cheating story. So that part is important.

He doesn't want to get to the part where.

Well. Yeah, well, I'm here. So I'm out with my friends in my college town. Some of the smaller towns, not a lot going on. And so if you're looking to go to the bars and have some fun, typically come to that area.

She's been stalking this prey for a whole season. Yeah. She's finally lurching in the tall grass.

She's so excited.

She makes her way over to our group with some shots, starts chatting us up.

Very motherly, very maternal.

Very responsible. And between the ego boost from my friends and the little bit of liquid courage, the night goes on, group disperses a little bit, and I wind up in her vehicle, heading home to her house.

Well, her and her ex-husband's house.

Just her house now, but yes, I would imagine was also the ex-husband's home. I did ask, not until we were like walking into the home. So I was like, oh my God, your kids aren't home, are they?

My students aren't in there.

Your daughter that I coach is not sleeping right now, is she? And she said, no, the kids are at their dad's this weekend. So I sit down on the couch and she goes into the kitchen. She's kind of around the corner, comes out holding two drinks. And that was all that she had on her body.

Oh, you're lucky, Justin.

Wow, she was thirsty.

Yeah, there was no other thought in my mind at that point. No girlfriend, no, nothing. We very much enjoyed our time together in a few different rooms. I'm not a person who lives with regrets by any means. I think life's full of opportunities.

That's the dream, kinda. For a hookup, you're gonna regret?

Did you wanna keep dating her?

No, definitely not. But by then, I was certainly completely sober, sitting in a driveway of a town that I was teaching in and really hoping nobody could see me. I did call one of my friends and I do feel bad because I totally lied to him that time and I said that I went with full intention to hook up with her and then thought better of it, and she got mad and kicked me out. I felt terrible about it. I'm not a cheater.

That's lucky.

We were approaching the end of college. We were already kind of seeing that life moving forward into adulthood didn't involve the both of us, and so she thought I was making it up as a way to just end things.

You know, so, Justin, it's not a coincidence that this cougar picked you, because the kinda innocence, the fact that you hadn't ever cheated, how much you were wrestling with it, I think, is exactly what she was looking for.

No. Yes, the older woman. Did you have any of your tattoos then?

No.

But also that he's got such a sweet kind of moral.

Yeah, but he's hot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's hot, but he's like a good boy hot. And he's teaching at the school. Yeah, maybe. I'm putting it this way, like if you and I were together in this scenario, she wouldn't have wanted me. She wouldn't have known like, yeah, at the third track meet, it would have been like, hey, what's up?

who she could. slowly. Maybe, we don't know her.

Let's get her on the phone.

Yeah, let's go.

Rob, I think it's part of it.

I don't think you're wrong. That's one thing that some of my friends used to say in college, and stuff, that that was why girls would hit on me is because I would just have no clue.

And I think they felt very safe with you.

That's why the tattoos.

Now you're dangerous.

Trying to proactively.

So I cheated and yeah, I totally learned from the experience and vowed to not do that again. And now, yeah, I'm a very happily married man.

You're in a children's fort.

These are tricky. Like, of course, I have a ton of regret about being unfaithful to certain people. I feel very guilty about it. Also, we were young and I wasn't ever gonna be with those people. ultimately.

I'm not sure. You're not there. No judgment. I'm glad it's happened, because now you're telling us and it's a good story. But I don't know that.

What I'm saying is you get like one trip through life and you're missing some wild, crazy experience because you've convinced yourself this. other thing is whatever.

Yeah, but also committing to a person, seeing that through and not hurting people is also a very admirable way to go through life. It is for sure.

But like committing when you're 14 and committing when you're 16, I don't know. Maybe I think we all commit a little too young in life.

I think everything happens for a reason, and life's full of learning experiences, and this is one for me. And so, after that particular girlfriend and myself broke up, parted ways, moved on, the next woman that I was in a relationship with is my wife. Wow.

Oh, wow, straight in. That was your one opportunity to go home with a 40-year-old mom.

Yeah, so it got the girl I wasn't supposed to be with out of the way, like officially. Wasn't necessarily the best way of going about it, but here we are and I'm sitting here talking to the both of you, which is just amazing.

Thanks for being honest and telling us.

Yeah, I liked it. I liked it a lot.

Yeah, it was a trip, for sure.

Well, Justin, it was great meeting you.

Both of you as well. And this is probably something that could give myself away for friends of mine that listen to the show and everything. But when my wife and I got pregnant and we were having a son, I jokingly said at once, I was like, what if we name him Dax? And- No.

Your son's name is Dax?

Yeah.

No way. Is he a little weirdo like me? Is he living up to the name?

He's something, that's for sure. He's totally adorable, like you.

Wow. That's nice.

That is so sweet. I'm pretty honored and feel not worthy of it because I just said I believe in cheating for the right experience.

So it's like I'm already a terrible person. I told you not to say that.

I wouldn't have Dax as a son if I didn't do what I did.

How much can you really regret if you love where you landed? Monica's just hanging on by a thread here.

I can feel the judgment. There's no judgment.

Oh, it's just towards me, not you. You're clean.

There's no judgment towards anyone. I'm not gonna let codependency make me say like,

I think it's so great everyone's cheating.

Oh yeah. You know. But I also am, I am glad you did what you did.

I hope no one heard my statement, as everyone should cheat. That's what I wanna make sure. I'm just saying there's certain examples in your life where you might regret how it made the person feel, but I don't know if you would choose to have not done it again.

Do it differently. For sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're a kid and Scarlett Johansson comes to your town and she wants to go on a date with you. You know, maybe you take that.

I guess. I mean, if I'm the girlfriend, though, it's never okay to me.

Of course. And for me, it's fine. Like if Matt Damon comes to town, we're dating and you plow him at the campground, I'm like, yeah, you gotta take that shot. I can look at that. Everyone's different.

I appreciate it. Thank you both.

All right, take care.

Hey, good. How are you guys?

Wonderful. Carbondale, that has nothing to do with Illinois, does it?

It does have something to do with Illinois. I went to school there and worked there for 15 years.

So, Chris, you cheated. I don't want to stereotype and make you feel bad, but I believe you have a story about cheating, just like I think, when you look at me, you'd probably imagine I have a story.

It's not like you think.

Okay. Yeah, that's what we like.

This is a story about cheating in high school. So it was my junior year. I went to high school in Illinois and we had chemistry class and I was a good student, but we had a teacher. I'll just call him Mr. P.

Oh, sure, sure. Homophobic, standard stuff in the 90s.

Yeah, this is 93, 94.. Destroyed some lawn ornaments. The next day we came back to school, he said, I want to know who did this to my lawn. He was very upset. Nobody told, but of course I knew because these are two friends of mine who had done it.

Oh, my God.

This is a blackmail conspiracy.

I would like a passing grade in this class.

No, this is outrageous. Absolutely not.

And I swear, without hesitation, he said, yes.

Oh, that's how mad he was. We shook hands.

Oh, my God.

And we said, it was this guy and it was this guy.

And it was real.

Ratted out your friends. I did.

You weren't struggling in the class, though. You didn't need it.

I wasn't struggling, but I didn't want to try either.

Well, yeah, I get that. Chemistry sucks.

Easier path.

He wasn't an asshole teacher. So I wanted to say, I felt bad for the guy, but then the more I thought about it, I'm like, no, I just wanted to take advantage of the situation.

Yeah, sure, that's more honest. I appreciate that.

I can't remember how much trouble they got into, but they never found out who told on them. Oh, they didn't.

They protected your anonymity.

It was free and clear. I was still friends with the guys. I played sports with them.

Oh, my God.

And the final came, and again, you got 88%. You gotta be in a class.

Everyone's pretty unethical in this story. Exactly. You got some guys who were dickheads. They were unethical. They put these signs up that were homophobic and mean.

To me, that's the part.

It's bold. You gotta tip your hat. And then you got a teacher who's completely unethical, that he wants to punish these people so bad. He's so punitive that he will absolutely sell out his morals and give someone an 88.. All parties, really.

And I do take umbrage with the word blackmail.

You do?

There was no blackmail. It was either you take the deal or I'll just walk.

and we'll tell you. Well, that's true.

Yeah, I guess blackmail would have been if he approached the vandals and said, you guys, gotta give me something or I'll tell on you.

But were you worried that when you brought this up to your teacher, that he would say no and you're gonna be expelled for extortion?

At 16, extortion was not even a word of my vocabulary.

Wow, hadn't got there yet.

I didn't think about the consequences. I was just like, where can I take this?

Oh, this whole prompt is fucked up.

Oh, so I guess at the end of the day, you don't regret, this is my hunch.

I've gotten over it.

How much trouble did the guys get in? I guess that's the part I would feel guilt over.

You know, I don't recall. So it could have been too bad, maybe a day or two suspension or something, but they didn't get expelled or anything.

The other funny thing is like how a high school criminal justice system works. Their only proof is that one dude, and let's remember a shady dude who's brokering a deal, his word, you know, if they just said, no, we absolutely didn't do it. And I don't know who told you that, but that's probably who did it. They would just go like, too bad. They must've copped to it once they were identified.

They didn't keep their mouth shut. They told a handful of people.

Yeah, they're bragging a little bit.

Yeah, exactly.

Like you did, because we were all stupid back then. Oh, Chris, I don't know why this tickled me so much. It's just so scumbaggy. I like that, of course, because I'm scumbaggy.

And I'm not a scumbag, I'm a good guy.

I have taken advantage of situations. We all have.

Don't you think he'd be a good guy and scumbaggy? I hope so.

Yeah, but not best boy.

No, Chris is not a bad boy.

But you can be a good guy and have done scumbaggy things.

We all have. We didn't get where we are today without doing some shady stuff.

Some scumbaggery.

Never crossed the line, never been arrested, never went to jail.

Okay. Right. Never harmed a human physically, intentionally.

We don't need to go down the list.

Chris's has been a delight.

Thanks for telling us that.

I'm glad you guys had me. All right, take care. Appreciate you guys. Bye.

Oh, man. That's worse than the cheating on the girlfriend. Which is funny.

I find-.

Because that one has a real victim.

I know. I find the teacher really sad in that story.

Yeah, who are you most judgmental of in the story? The boys who vandalize?

Yeah, the boys who vandalize. Okay, great. Fuck that.

Like. that's so mean. Yeah, so then they got in trouble for a thing they did. So that's not bad. No, I know.

I think that affected that teacher so much. That vandalization that obviously he'll do anything.

He compromises morals.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't like that.

But we're mad at the vandals, I think.

Yeah, I'm a little mad at Chris for putting him in that position to compromise his morals.

But he got him what he wanted, which is-.

But he could have just said, hey, I know, this is really bothering you. This is who did it.

Yeah, I think he was like, I can do that and also get a little something for me.

I know, that's the part that's bad.

Tax.

Oh, God.

It's shocking to me, I don't know Chris already from the Midwest.

I liked him. We all do bad stuff. Yeah. It's just the way it goes.

You can't get through this life without-.

I don't think so.

I have a cheating story. It occurred to me that I can tell, if you want to hear it.

Yeah. Hello?

Hi, there, is this, Danielle?

This is.

I have to say something. Every single person-.

Don't say it. Why? Why can't I say it? Did Holly?

Okay, except our first story, when I think she was wearing long sleeves. The rest of you have tattoos.

Oh, jeez.

Literally, the exact same.

You have sleeves. All three of you have sleeves. It's pretty incredible.

And me, so far.

I love it, it looks great. But I had to bring that up.

It's worth observing. You'd be lying to yourself if you didn't.

It'd be disappointing if you didn't.

Yeah, and I have so many cheating stories and you have some.

I have some.

Well, who doesn't?

That's right.

Where are you, Danielle?

I'm in Edmonton, Alberta.

Oh, our Canadian friends to the north. Did you happen to listen to Camila Mendes?

I absolutely did.

I saw some comments from some Canadians that they were like, really hurt my feelings. that episode. For what? We were just saying, we don't want to be in Canada working because we don't want to be away from home. Having nothing to do with Canada.

It's really bad here as well.

Yeah, and there's a ton of drug use here.

Yeah, I had a gentleman offer to trade me booze and drugs for my baby on the way to the pediatrician downtown. So, like, it's not great here.

Yeah, it's sort of a rampant problem.

You could call that a drug problem.

Yeah, it's rough out in the streets.

Yeah, it sure is.

Okay, so you're up in Canada and you are going to tell us about a time you cheated.

Yes, but I went outside the box.

Yes, I love that.

Great.

So it's the day I cheated death.

Oh, interesting. Oh, I love this. I know what you did. You have a whopper of a story and you're like waiting for the right prompt and it's just not fucking coming, and then you cracked it. I love it.

I've been manifesting this from day one. Yay. Okay, great. Myself and my very good friend Justine, who listened daily. And when that email came in, I text her just her name in all capital letters and she said, we've done it.

Okay, so hit us with this cheating death story.

Okay, so this was in 2013 and it was in actually the small town that I grew up in. It's about three hours north of here. It was the day of the bridal shower for my practice marriage.

Oh, I love this. Oh, practice marriage. I love calling it that. That's a nice term.

When you're a child bride, things don't typically work out. Yeah. Just grew up in a small town and that's what everybody did. So it's a Saturday morning. I drive to work and I'm working at a hair salon.

you motherfucker, what the fuck are you doing?

I'm gonna fucking kill you. What? I'm like, well, this can't be for me. So I turn around and there's a guy hightailing it back behind me. Like takes off through the back alley running, and it's 8.15 AM on a Saturday.

Like hand in his hoodie pocket.

The other one aggressively masturbating while getting up right behind me.

Oh, my God.

So she's very worried. he has something in his pocket.

Can I ask how on earth she observed all this?

So there's a window out the back door and the staff room of the salon is there. So she had gotten there, was putting her things away.

Oh, my gosh.

Heard me drive up, looked.

And this guy runs out and he is already at attention and he's ready to go.

Wowee.

Very impressive, right? So she's beside herself, calls the police. They come lights and sirens, and it's like a 90 second drive.

They should have walked, he's next door and he's got in the cars and drove to parking spots.

So they get there and are doing a full investigation, looking for prints, interviewing other businesses, looking for video cameras.

Well, I kind of like this, though.

I was gonna say, I can only be so upset because generally it's the opposite, which is like, lady, you're hysterical and I'm not gonna take you serious. You're not in danger, ignore it. With the guy in her stairwell of her apartment.

Yes, and the cop came and, just like, didn't give a fuck. I prefer this.

Yes, so they're interviewing her and are asking for a full description of this man's genitalia. Oh, okay. Like, they're gonna line people up and be like, show us your genitals.

I'll also acknowledge that a lot of these cases, remember, someone was described as having like a mushroom dick. It was, like, you know, kind of an Epstein-esque case and it was pretty definitive because it is a fingerprint. Trump's penis. Oh, Trump's penis. With Stormy Daniels.

All this is finished. They actually do end up catching somebody with his description several days later in like the next small town because he'd gotten his rocks off. in ours. He was charged with sexual assault on a woman. So we'll now fast forward to the evening of the actual bridal shower.

Sure, roadies.

Another one of my mom's friends says, well, I'm a member at this club and I want that potted plant.

So you guys are now looting from the country club.

Well, I mean, she's a member. So she considered it hers.

Wow.

We get in this van cab. The first row is myself, the potted plant. And then in the back rows are my mom and her friends. It's out of town and it's on a T intersection. So in order to get out, you're driving down.

Is the driver conscious?

Oh yeah.

Is he the guy whose penis it was?

So we're in this field. And all of a sudden he goes, I'm so sorry, I'm not really sure what happened there. I can get us out of here.

Again, now. this may offend some Canadians. That sounds very Canadian.

It is the most Canadian thing possible. Because he goes, not to worry, I can get us out. Goes to hit in reverse. As I hear my mother screaming, he broke my fucking arm.

Oh.

I then hear my mom's other friend screaming,

he spilled my fucking drink. Oh yeah, that's the same.

And then my other mom's friend yelling about the plant. Because if you look throughout the cab, there's potted plant everywhere.

Okay, so that thing grenaded.

There's cocktails everywhere, potted plant everywhere.

This guy got what he deserved. His van's a mess now.

It was a mess to begin with, which was why we shouldn't have gotten in. But hey, I am having to now control this group of women who are frantic and tell the cab driver, you need to stop. We have to call the police. The farmer whose field it was, he's coming down in his four-wheeler because he's witnessed our horrid dukes of hazard through his field, smashed his fence. The police finally get there.

Oh, my Lord, you bookended his day. Also, this guy's on a long shift.

So they'll either do a full shift, a double or a split.

Oh, split. Okay, he's on a double.

I think he was on a split. So he would have done the morning, had the mid shift off and then come on for an evening.

Wow, both shifts were full of you.