Armchair Anonymous: Mall Stories

Welcome to Armchair Anonymous, I'm Dax Shepard, I'm joined by Monica Padman.

Hi. This was fun.

This was for you.

My old stomping grounds.

This one specifically was for you. It's crazy mall stories.

I love the mall.

Boy, one of these had me laughing. A little tiny thing got carried away. Someone lost control of a little tiny thing, and there's nothing that's funnier than that.

This is so fun.

Oh, it was a really good one. And some bonkers ones, too. Now, let me see if you can, I'm just looking to see if you can listen to this one. Yeah, this is fine.

There's blood.

Yeah, there's some blood.

And there's some poop.

And there's some pootie. And there's some theft. Please enjoy Mall Stories.

Hard times come and go.

Hello. Hi.

How are you guys?

Oh, good. And you?

I'm very well.

Thank you for joining me at my work in the supply closet.

Wait, okay. You're at work in a supply closet. Does the supply closet always have this very light ocean spray-y green blanket?

No. I got the directions and I put up these lovely sound barriers, so I have this blanket. And behind me, there is a water heater, which, while I was waiting, I heard it tinkle a few times, so I was like, well, that's just great. Hopefully it's not going to be doing that throughout the recording.

I hope it does.

I want a coworker to walk in and go, what in the fuck are you doing, Michelle?

Yeah, exactly. Because this would be the most inexplicable thing.

Oh, no, she already knows.

Oh, she knows. Okay.

She helped me put the blankets up this morning, so it's been a very productive day at work.

Where are you at in the country?

I live in Raleigh, North Carolina.

Wonderful. Okay, so you have a crazy mall story.

I do. So. I saw this prompt and I was like, wow. I had honestly forgotten about this story, but here we are. This prompt brought me back to the late 90s.

Early 90s. Prime mall time.

I was going to say that about late 90s.

Guess what? It was pretty good in the 80s, too.

I hate to tell you. It was good up until like five years ago. Oh, no.

In Michigan, like 20 years ago. Yeah. Okay. Sorry. Sorry.

That's okay, sidebar. So I was 17 and I worked at a mall in the suburbs of DC in Virginia. It was a very, very high-end mall. The anchor stores were Neiman Marcus, Saks, Fifth Avenue, Macy's. When Macy's was actually a thing, it had a bunch of luxury fashion brand stores.

This is a dream, Michelle, and you were in high school?

I was 17, and, oh my gosh, did I ever feel so sophisticated? I was working in a card store, so it wasn't like I was working at the Versace, but it still made me feel very worldly and sophisticated.

Yes, of course.

For the most part, it wasn't very busy. I mean, I went up there one night to visit a friend and see if we could hang out. after her shift. I walk into the store and the manager's son and her are standing behind the counter smoking a bowl.

Oh, wow.

In the store.

Very lax.

All this to say, the mall that I worked at, it was not really busy at night and I think if I worked at the mall across the street, this probably wouldn't have happened. It was a weeknight and I was working with a girl who was 16 and I took my customer service duties very seriously. This guy comes up to the counter and he asks for some help to pick out some gift wrap. So, I follow him over to the gift wrap wall and the gift wrap is not really in plain sight of the cash register. It's about 10 feet away.

Were you in a pant or a skirt?

I was in pants. Okay. He's looking at it and he says, can I see them? I was like, okay. So, I took off my boot.

Oh, Jesus.

And I'm thinking maybe he's got a girlfriend and he really likes these boots and he wants to go and see if he can find a pair. He's holding my boot and he's kind of turning it over in his hands. He puts his hand into it and he says, these don't really offer much arch support. And I'm just like, yeah, okay. This was the early 90s.

Wait, hold on a second. You didn't feel this happening? It took your coworker to alert you to this? He was feeling the inside of the boot and the arch support, and then, all of a sudden, he finds his hands down to your feet.

He somehow talked me out of my sock.

Okay, great. So, there were some steps between feeling the inside of the boot.

But was he standing upright, holding the boot, or was he down by your foot looking at the boot?

He was standing up and then he eventually made it down to my foot, where, if I remember correctly, he actually took my sock off. Yeah, and so he ended up with his fingers in between every single one of my toes.

on my right foot. Oh boy.

And he briskly stands up and walks out of the store and my coworker is just looking at me like, what in the actual fuck? And I'm just kind of like, customer service? I really don't know how it happened.

Is it fair to say you had like the freeze response? Was it that you froze and you were nervous, or you just literally didn't even really notice what was going on?

I was aware that he was asking me to take off my sock and I was kind of like, this is weird, but it was crazy.

How old was this person?

He was probably late 20s, maybe early 30s. When you're 17,, everybody who's over 20 looks old.

What would be the worst age for you, Monica, to hear?

I was expecting like 53.

53,. okay.

That felt really bad.

For whatever reasons, there's stratas in this. Because if it was like another 17 year old boy...

Yeah, that's hot.

Well, I would argue 53, you can't make it that long in this game.

No, I think you can. You think you can? Yeah, there's a lot of older creeps out there.

Listen, if you come across a naive 17 year old like me, he probably totally could have been older than that.

What's the worst age for you?

40.

Interesting.

I guess because I'm on 50s backdoor and I know I'm not as sexual as I was 10 years ago, so I feel like I would be more dangerous at 40.

It was weird. You would think that somebody who's going to try to pull something like that would go to a shoe store.

Maybe they're a little more on top of it, on the feet fetish.

Is this too dangerous for us to explore the hierarchy of fearful interaction of this nature? Yeah. I do feel like this is the lowest harm rate. Let's just say a deranged lunatic at 7-Eleven was going to touch a body, part of mine, and I got to pick?

Yeah.

Foot. I go, yeah, if this guy's got to touch something, I'll let him touch my foot.

I agree, actually.

So it's like the preferred body part.

Yeah, because I would not want them to touch my hands, too intimate. Yes. And germs.

And face.

Definitely not face. Belly. Definitely not like private parts. Right, or lower back. Even knee feels a little too...

Inside of the knee.

Ugh.

Back side of the knee. No, that's way too intimate.

I'd prefer to have my foot touch than to see a flasher. Oh. Right? Yeah. Yeah, we just go through all of them.

I mean, it's still because it's a stranger.

Yeah, the guy's deranged.

He's obviously deranged. But if I was in a relationship with someone and they had a feet fetish, I'm into it. It doesn't creep me out unless that person's fetish is so strong that they're doing what this person's doing, like going to malls and touching strangers' feet. Underage students. Yeah, that's bad.

For the rest of the shift, my coworker made fun of me relentlessly. We never really talked about it again, because she was 16, I was 17.. It was something that I realized now that I haven't really talked with anybody about it. I was talking with a friend of mine. I sent her a text.

I was like,

hey, do you remember the time that I got my foot fingered at the mall and she said no? What? Right. You know, I don't think I really told many people, because I recognized that it was kind of skeevy on some levels and I didn't really want to be like, yeah, no, I'm the girl that took my sock off.

Right.

You felt shame. Great. Yeah, you're answering my question. I was wondering if you didn't talk about it, because on some level you felt like, how did I let myself get to a point where my sock was off?

Like, I participated.

Exactly. This is classic victim 101, where, if I'd gone to mall security, they would have been like, well, why would you do that?

Yeah, exactly. Right, right, right. Also, early 90s, absolutely. No one was-.

What do you expect when you wear boots that nice?

Your fault.

You were asking for it. With the fringe? The fringe was an imitation.

Oh, the fringe is like, really, you might as well be topless.

Oh, man.

That was one of my weird mall stories, but I can laugh about it now.

Did you catch anyone stealing from this place? Not the kind of products that thieves are drawn to. Stationery and wrapping paper?

I think that's a misnomer. You do?

Oh, you're right.

They like to steal random.

There's a lot of female kleptomaniacs. Yes. Yeah, maybe even more than that.

I always want to call them narcoleptics.

They go nighty-night. They're sleepies, yeah.

There was an employee that actually stole, and we found out that he was stealing a bunch of expensive figurines. He was giving himself credit on his credit card with a charge machine. Wow.

That makes sense, as long as you're getting money out of it. But just to be stealing and have a gorgeous set of stationary? Right. This seems a little bizarre. Oh, well, Michelle, thank you so much for sharing that story with us.

Thank you.

I hope you have a great day at work.

Yeah, there's that. I'll try. All right, well,

have a great rest of your day. Nice meeting you, Michelle.

Nice meeting you guys, too. Bye-bye.

I used to love that kind of store. Hallmark?

The stationery? I would walk by and go, like, what the fuck is that thing doing in here? Like, who's buying paper? What?

It was a great place to get gifts.

No, A.

Like where you get the wet willies?

Spencer's? Spencer's, yeah. Spencer's Gifts.

Oh, my God. Yeah, that's the difference between boys. went to Spencer's.

to get gifts and girls went to Hallmark. Yeah, they're like dildos. Yeah, there was sexy stuff in there.

Oh, my God.

Here's Jacob. Or Jay.

Speaking of feet, I need a pedicure.

Hmm.

Hi.

Oh, hello. Hi.

Is it Jay or Jacob?

My full name's Jacob, but you can call me Jay.

Okay, I'm gonna call you, Jay.

I like that.

Where are you, Jay?

I'm in Denver, Colorado. I'm from San Diego originally, and that's where this mall story takes place.

Do you have an expert shirt on?

I do. It's my Monica Monsoon shirt. Oh.

Monica Monsoon.

How great.

It was given to me by my wife, who's also named Monica.

I love that for all of us.

She wants to come meet you guys in a little bit.

Of course. And you're in what I presume is your basement, where you do music.

Yes. I have a drum set behind me. I mean, it's a pretty big room, but I have all this sound buffering already.

Oh, we love that.

I was, like, stressing all morning, so hopefully it sounds okay.

You sound glorious.

It's really good to meet you both. You are my two favorite people that I've never met. Oh.

Thank you, Jay.

That is so flattering.

Okay, so take us back to San Diego and what year. And also, give us a loose description of mall culture in San Diego, because for Monica and I, I think what's unique is outdoor. probably is the norm. Aren't there a lot of malls in California where there's no roof?

That's kind of actually how this one is. So, it's a mall called Horton Plaza and essentially, it's, like, a five-story mall with, like, a canyon that goes down the middle. Oh, wow. You can see all of the stores on one side and look all the way down to the first floor when you're on the other side. Ooh.

It's, like, an M.

100%. It's, like, the end of Labyrinth when you're trying to find David Bowie up in there. Even, like, the parking lot's a double helix, so if you get in in the wrong area, you just get lost. So, I was probably 13 or 14, so, like, 8th or 9th grade. So, this would have been in 2003..

All right, great.

So, this was at the peak of malls when people were starting to trust buying things from the internet, but it was, like, everything was in there. You have all the food shops and the game stores and go there for anything you need.

to have a place.

God, I miss it.

It was really fun. I went with my dad just to do some shopping, and we basically went to go hit up the stores that I knew. It was, like, the GameStop, and it was Hot Topic at the time. So, I'm walking around with my dad, we do some shopping, and then we just had to stop for lunch. They have all these options, but my favorite place was Mongolian Barbecue, where you, like, fill up your bowl with meat and veggies and then they stack a bunch of noodles on it and then make it on that circular grill with a bunch of, like, big chopsticks, you know?

Oh, yum!

Industrial chopsticks.

I was of age where I could crush the whole thing. So, I ate the entire meal and then, right afterwards, I got a feeling in my gut. Immediate. Immediate. I used to get this thing that was, like, one in, one out, where I'd, like, put a meal in my body and then I'd instantly have to go to the bathroom.

Jay, I don't want to be critical of you guys, but, of course, there's no toilets in the stores. We know this. This was a total waste of time.

But it was such a confusing mall. They couldn't find the regular bathroom, so they were panicking. No one knew.

where the bathroom was.

But that's fair. But you just know that Hot Topics is not gonna. let you take a dump in there.

They should have said the bathroom is around the corner.

Imagine going into Foot Locker and being like, where's your bathroom? Are you fucking high? Have you ever been to a Foot Locker?

Buy a fucking hat and get out, Jay. No one could even tell us where one was. So, we finally find a security guard and he's like, there's a bathroom down there at the far end. And we're like, okay, sweet. We're trucking it to get there.

this is a nightmare.

And I'm like, this is getting kind of bad. And my dad looks at me and he goes, there's a bathroom in Nordstrom. Can you make it? And I was like, yes. And internally, I'm like, I fucking hope I can make it.

Internally, you're like, maybe.

God. Also, your dad knew there was one in Nordstrom the whole time?

Come on, dad. Go straight to Nordstrom. At least some.

of the stores have bathrooms in them. So it was, like, you know, the truck across the entire mall to get there. My dad runs ahead and, like, opens the door. So I don't even have to like open the door for myself. Your poor dad.

As you take off running.

Oh boy.

I mean,

it was gonna happen. It was like, as I was opening the door, it just started leaking everywhere. And I was wearing khaki shorts and like the tall white socks that were cool at the time. And it was just like all down everywhere, almost into my shoes. I made it into the stall and I'm sitting there just awkward as fuck, with acne and shit, and I'm like, where do I begin?

Oh, no.

This old guy's just standing outside of the urinal waiting for me to be finished. I'm just sitting there smudging shit around, getting cleaned up as best as I can. So my dad finally shows up and basically acts as like a bouncer. We got an issue. Go use the bathroom on another floor.

He's like,

do you know how many?

bathrooms there are in this mall?

None. Yeah. Just one. on every floor of Nordstrom. There's five of them.

Does anyone know where the pool is?

Exactly.

He should have brought you.

a towel too to sling over your shoulder.

I thought there was a top floor jacuzzi up here somewhere. So we finally make it out of there to the car. I don't know what to say, and my dad just leans over and he goes. don't worry, it happens to the best of us. And then he proceeded to just tell me a story about when he shit his pants in public to make me feel better.

What a good dad.

So yeah, that's when I poop my pants in Nordstrom. Oh.

so sweet. It does make me wonder why we don't ever see people actively pooping their pants. Because we all have these stories. We talk to tons of armchairs. who have done it.

I have an 11 year old stepson and I can tell you I've seen that look in his eyes before.

Wow.

It's always been at home, luckily.

Yeah. I mean, have you ever seen someone dealing with shit actively in their pants? Well, one time.

were we together when we were on an elevator and there was someone in front of us who definitely had soiled their pants?

I've seen a couple people and I sent you some photos. once from Rite Aid back, when it was on the corner. I was behind a woman who would totally shit her yoga pants.

Okay, that may be as well.

But there were no lumps, so I couldn't decide if it had been washed and it stained.

That must have contained it, though.

Yeah. That's a good outfit to have.

Well, I'm gonna be on the lookout for more shit on people's legs and shoes and stuff.

I just feel like it's shocking. we don't see it. And Jay, you really scratched an itch I've had. I was just lamenting to Monica a couple days ago. I'm like we have not had a poop prompt in way too long.

Yeah, it's time.

Yeah, and so I love that this one snuck in or snuck out.

I'm just happy to be here. If you need other poop stories, I'm sure we can find some.

I'm sure we'll talk to you again. Yeah. Let's meet the wife, Monica. Monica. Other Monica.

I have wanted to be the significant other that comes in at the end of the story so bad.

Yay, another Monica. Well, you have a big, big leg up that you're, Monica.

I'm so excited to meet you guys.

Oh, us too. What year were you born?

1990.

Younger than me.

So you're 1.

I'm 1.

We're just babies over here. I was hoping I would have the mall story, because I used to work at Limited too, but Jay's sort of beat mine.

I loved Limited too. What year did you work there?

I was in high school. 2008 minus three years.

Okay. Okay, 2005..

2005 to 08.

And you were in there.

a lot in that period?

No, I was late 90s, early 2000s.

99 to 04.

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, by the time I worked there, I kind of aged out of dressing there.

unfortunately.

And Limited's brother's store was Structure, or am I confusing what Structure's sister's store was?

Yeah, I think it's Express.

Did you see anything bonkers while you worked there?

Well, I was telling Jay, I was like I didn't think about this until this prompt came up. We did have someone who pooped in the dressing room and they were definitely sitting because the poop was shaped like this, and they asked me to clean it up. and I'm like I make $10 an hour.

Yeah.

Right.

My cousins worked at Gap and it was a pretty regular occurrence that someone would sheepishly come in. they would take an outfit off the rack, they'd go in and they would change into it and come out and pay for it. They would have their old clothes wadded up in the bag. No. Yeah, this happened weekly at the 12X mall.

Oh, my god. So you're just a dime, a dozen, Jay.

That's kind of what happened to me.

What if we found out there was a broad study and like 5% of the clothes sold in the Nordstrom's was just people dealing with having shit themselves.

It's that Auntie Annie's, and it's a barrow that really gets you.

Well, let's be honest.

it's more that Korean.

barbecue is not the safest bet there. Jay and Monica, it's so nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you both. Thank you.

Yeah our pleasure.

Have a good rest of your day.

Yeah, take care. Ugh the mall. You're getting itchy, aren't you?

Yeah, I want to go.

But you want to go back in time and go.

I do. Yeah. I want to do the impossible. The Yankee Candle Store.

Candles. I loved it. Let's get in the car and drive all the way up to the mall to get some candles. What's wrong with that?

You're so judgmental.

I'm just so male.

Oh my god. Bath and Body Works.

There we go.

You liked it?

I mean I didn't like it, but I get it.

Did you have to buy any of your?

I bought a few of those packages for Christmas for moms and girlfriends and stuff. It's just like the flower shop for dudes on Valentine's Day, where I walk in and I'm like what's a thing my mom would like.

Moonlight Path was my scent.

Do you ever go in there and take a sniff on it and get nostalgic?

No, I haven't seen Bath and Body Works in a while.

Because you know, a few years back I ordered my high school cologne.

You did.

Yeah, and it sits in my medicine cabinet and then, every once in a while, I just smell it and it takes me back. Oh, that's nice. I should do that. By Dior.

Oh, I thought you were mispronouncing pheromones.

No, no, no. Fahrenheit was the title of it. It was by Dior.

Dior? That's advanced.

Well.

my dad wore Obsession for Men by Calvin Klein and I think all dads.

wore that. Yeah, that was common. I was into Ralph Lauren Blue because this popular girl had it and she smelled so good, and so then I got it. It didn't smell as good on me.

Well, that's what's funny is, however, she would have smelled, would have been good. Oh, that's probably how you're supposed to smell, because she's popular.

Michael Jordan had his own cologne. That was mine. Oh, really?

What did it smell like? What were the scents?

What was it called?

Michael Jordan cologne. Oh.

Hi! We were just talking about popular colognes and perfumes from our youth.

What's your favorite?

We just found out Cute Wobby Wob was wearing Michael Jordan's signature cologne, which is super adorable, being in Chicago and all. But you seem to still be in your youth, so you're not yet nostalgic.

I mean I'm 28, so you could say that, but I feel like I've lived many lifetimes already.

Well, and you're 10 years out from high school, so you could be reflecting back. Did you have a fragrance you wore?

I don't think I had a go-to when I was young. I remember we used to go to Montana when I was younger and there was a store called Rue 21.. They had signature fragrances. so I remember one of those and I actually had a hit of it recently and I was like where is that from?

Nothing makes you more nostalgic than a fragrance. Where did you grow up? that Montana was a regular vacation destination?

I am in Alberta, Canada.

Oh, you would be coming south!

Yes. It's about four hours away.

Okay, so tell us about mall culture in Canada.

So I live in Calgary and then Edmonton, which is three hours away. there's West Edmonton Mall, and that's a super popular mall. And last year I spent a semester in Edmonton. I was surprised to see the number of malls that they have, considering that West Edmonton Mall is their main attraction.

Oh so there's been an explosion of malls since? Yeah.

They're not small malls, they're all dramatic big malls. Oh wow. I definitely spent a lot of time at the mall when I was young. I don't even want to know how much money I spent just on jeans.

What was your store?

When I was younger, jeans were definitely like American Eagle.

Yep.

Classic. Okay, so where and when does this mall story take place?

Ironically, there's a lot of like Sim things in this story. We love Sim. So this story happened in 2018 and it actually happened in May.

We're on the anniversary.

We're celebrating the anniversary together.

Oh, my god. Congrats.

Six year anniversary.

And it happened here in Calgary. So we don't have like a lot of malls, but it was one of the bigger ones. Little bit of backstory. My dad, who's kind of the main character in this story, is estranged now from everybody. He is a pretty volatile addict with some mental health issues, and that plays into the story a little bit.

Did you stay with him while you were going to college or something? This was six years ago?

I was still living at home while I was in university and my mom left and took my sister and didn't tell me. So I was just left.

at home. That's really intense.

So I was basically his babysitter, for lack of a better word. On this particular day he was home and second sim thing me and my friend, who's now my roommate. we were actually planning to start a podcast of our own. Wow.

Oh, wow, okay. Inspired by what? What were you listening to then? Anna Faris, or something? Us?

No way. Oh us, us.

Oh, wow, okay. It sounded like you were fishing.

This story feels too long ago for us to play a role in it.

It just started.

Yeah, a couple months in.

So I'm listening to you guys and I'm going to her and I'm having all these conversations and I'm like oh, this is my jam because I'm a literary theory major. Okay. I had just graduated. I just got my BA at the time. I'm like okay, we're going to start a podcast.

What's a grad ring?

Graduation ring for having just graduated college.

Oh, like a piece of jewelry? Jewelries. Okay, okay.

Yeah, and he had never mentioned this to me before. Never knew that this was a thing.

But he's probably an impulsive guy, so you're used to this.

Yeah, and I'm like okay, well, I don't know what else he's going to get up to. so I guess we're going to the mall. Yeah. So I call my friend and I'm like okay, change of plans, we'll pick you up. we're going to the mall and then, on our way home, we can go and pick up the microphones.

This is like a life-altering story. It was!

I don't even know how it threw absolutely everything out the window, but it did.

We might have been calling into your show today.

Yeah. We're going to the mall and he drives us and he parks in the underground parkade. We end up shopping and the mall's about to close. so it's like 30 minutes to closing and we've got to make our way back to the parkade. We're on the second floor, so we walk to the elevator and we're waiting at the elevator.

Oh wow. Congratulations.

These ladies are pretty petite, and so they go into the elevator first and then the three of us follow them in and both of them push the buttons on the elevator. so there's an older woman and she pushes P2 and the younger woman pushes P1..

Quick question. Are they together?

They're not together. So the younger one pushes P1, which is the level that we're going to get off on. We don't end up having to push it. So we get down to P1.. This younger woman walks out of the elevator.

she just fucking.

stabbed me. What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

And he was yelling. why the fuck did you do that to her? not you obviously. Yeah. What?

And she was young.

Came and stabbed your dad quickly and then ran up the stairs?

I think she was on the stairs the whole time. Oh, oh, oh. And so as he's walking down the stairs, because she's small and he's tall, so it's like the level difference.

Oh, just the two little stairs.

Yeah. He kind of like touches his neck and looks at his hands. And I see the squirting out of his neck of the blood.

And she's still there. She's staring.

She's just standing there, completely unfazed. And he's starting to get hysterical. Yeah. He's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you do that?

What the hell?

Oh my God. So he holds his neck and then I turn around to look at my friend. She looks shocked and then I start feeling more shocked. So we're all hysterical at this point.

Yeah. Can you see the weapon or object?

Well, she's standing with her arms down. So I think it was like a pocket knife. It wasn't anything huge. She just turns around and walks away. Oh, what?

A mad woman. Yeah.

Oh, my God.

So she comes back in with us. We go up to the original floor and I'm finally able to call 911 and they arrive pretty quickly, within a couple minutes. The ambulance takes a little bit longer to show up for us. And I think there's like at least two or three cop cars who show up and one of them goes down into the lower one. They take off on their bikes and they end up catching her down in the lower parkade.

The bike cops have been living for this moment because they're so dorky. They've relegated to bicycles in a mall and they don't get any action and they finally got to tear off on their bicycles. Big day.

And I think too. when they came up to say they got her, the cop had like dust on his knees, and so my dad's like, did she fall down? And he's like, a little bit. They kind of like tackled her. Yeah, of course.

All that adrenaline after pedaling those bikes.

What if really he just fell off his bike?

That could have happened too. First time in a high speed bike chase.

He's like, no, I tackled her.

From a really high up.

Definitely wasn't that, I just fell.

So at this point, my dad's fine, aside from actively bleeding. I take his phone and I'm, like, I got to start calling people and telling them to meet us at the hospital. And he forbids me from calling my sister or my mom. And they're the only two people that I want to call.

You're not going to call his bar buddies or anything.

No, but I did.

Oh, OK.

I call his friends and I call my grandma and I'm like, OK, everybody meet us at the hospital. The ambulance shows up. My dad's about to leave and he's like, one more thing. You've got to call my girlfriend. So I call and I'm like, hi, I'm your boyfriend's daughter.

Oh, God. Wow.

Wow. Nice to meet you.

Luckily, she was a lovely lady and we're still friends to this day.

Oh, that's nice.

Good. Yeah. So then he gets taken off in the ambulance. Me and my friend drive his car to the hospital. My dad's in the ER.

Number three of a stabbing spree?

And second location.

What? What the fuck? Wait. Well, this is comforting, because it's always a guy. It's true.

And she was tiny.

Yeah. Tiny, but mighty.

Tiny but mighty. Mighty. And she was aloof. Something was obviously wrong with her.

Can you describe more things about her?

Well, only two things that I remember. in the elevator. She was in sandals and she looked a little dirty and something tie-dye.

So hippie vibes almost.

Yeah. Her history, come to find out after, is like 10 years long of other assaults and violent things. Whoa. And she's just found not criminally responsible because she's not mentally well, but we don't have the resources to actually provide proper housing and care and support.

It's like, oh well.

It sounds like schizophrenic where she thinks she's fighting for her life.

Like paranoia. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

What actually happened, she's at a plaza across the street, at like a Vietnamese restaurant.

Uh-huh, Vietnamese.

I don't know the actual backstory of how it all happened, but she stabbed, I think, a waitress first.

Jesus!

And then walked out into the parking lot, stabbed some guy. Oh my God.

Wow.

She's ballsy too.

So then she walks across the street to the department store of the mall, somehow comes upstairs, walks through the mall and to our elevator. And then, like I said, she pushed P1.. I don't know where she was going.

Right. Oh my God. So it wasn't like she had necessarily targeted your dad initially.

Totally random. And I mean, all in all, afterwards, we're like, that was best case now. Yes. Had she stabbed myself, my friend, or the other older little woman, I don't think we would have made it. We've all got tiny necks.

That's so true. Oh my God. Talk about wrong place, wrong time. Okay.

So I feel a little bit vindicated because my first reaction is like, if I'm your dad and I get stabbed by her, I'm going after her right away. And I'm going to kick her in the back as she's running, because she's holding a weapon. I'm going to kick her in the back and knock her down. And then I'm going to stand on her wrist, that she's holding the knife in her back neck. So the cops get there.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Because she'll die if you stand on her. She's so small.

Because if the first person who dealt with this had done that, they would have saved two more stabbing victims.

Don't you think, if you just stood on her wrist, like that'd be enough?

No, I would stand on her body too. Really? She deserves that.

Can you just lay on her body?

No, I don't want to. I don't want to. I just want my shoes to touch her. Okay. You know, you could say like, well, you're nuts to go after somebody, but you could also prevent two more people.

It's true. Now there's one more twist to this story.

Oh, my God.

Your dad had been fucking her for a month. I did at first. I did at first think it was a scorned girlfriend. The new girlfriend that she hadn't met. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My dad, when we're in the ER, he starts talking about what the experience was like and what it felt like. And he said, originally, it just felt like a really hard punch in the neck. So he didn't realize immediately. That's why he was like, what the fuck did you do? Why did you do that?

Oh, my God.

Luckily, she had a neighbor who was a cop. So she goes to the neighbor and is like, I need help.

And he jumped on his bike. Sorry, not a good time.

Someone had broken in. They never caught who did it, but they had cut her neck.

No fucking way. No wonder your dad's struggling.

That's really traumatic for a little boy.

You can't be a single mom. She gets her throat slashed and you walk out of it with no problems.

Honestly, I'd never heard him talk about seeing anything. I'd heard the story from her and I think she asked the cop to take care of my son and get him out of here. And she ended up needing reparative surgery because hers was much more severe. But she described it as having air flowing through her neck.

That's what clued him in.

Oh my God. It's hereditary.

You got to wear a neck guard.

I need you to be careful.

No, I mean, truly the odds of two family members both getting stabbed in the neck in a lifetime, they might be the only mother or son.

Knock on wood. The wood I like.

But how? Who's going to?

Just, I don't know.

Okay. Just knock on, I'm knocking on wood. Yeah, that's impossible.

Yeah. Wow. That's really traumatic. What happened with the lady? Did she go to jail?

No, they arrested her and held her for the minimum amount of days, but again, not criminally responsible. So put her back to her group, home, I think, and carry on.

Oh, it's not the most comforting thought. Mental illnesses aside. If you're committing assault because of the mental illness, you've still got to be away. A hundred percent.

You're dangerous.

Like. I understand the concept, like you can't try them for first degree because it's not premeditated. It does not meet the requirement of first degree. I get all that. But there has to be still some lengthy sentencing for non premeditated.

The whole point is to protect the masses, and that's not doing that. This person has a problem.

There's just not enough resources. Edmonton holds all of the NCR, not criminal responsible beds for all of Alberta and all of Northern Canada. So they just don't even have the capacity to keep everybody. Oof.

If I had a single wish of this whole story is that your father had been super Canadian about it and said like, oh, it appears you've stabbed my neck.

Sorry, I got in your way.

Oh, sorry.

What a story.

Sounds like you had a very Detroit reaction.

Well, a very human one.

Yeah. Jessica, thanks for telling us that. Yeah, that was wild.

Of course. It was so lovely to meet you guys. I'm so excited to have this opportunity.

I'm really sorry. the podcast never got up and running. All you were trying to do is make a podcast.

But I got on one. So it's okay.

It all worked out. Yeah, sort of.

I admire you both so much, like your honesty and your humor and everything. And I said to myself, I hope that you guys are doing this in five to 10 years, because I'm very hesitant about pursuing my ambitions. But the idea of potentially making it to the attic to be an expert is like a big incentive.

You must do it. That'd be Sim on top of Sim. on top of Sim. I would. And we live for the Sim.

Thank you, Ashok.

All right, Jessica, so nice meeting, you. Take care.

Oh, my God.

Randomly getting stabbed in the neck.

Jeez, by a little old lady. I mean, a little young lady.

A little young lady. A little Monica.

You might do that to somebody.

Yeah. Let's call it what it is. A Monica type. What if they came full circle and the woman that was stabbed at the Vietnamese restaurant had just served a young boy, Jay, some tainted noodles. Oh, my God.