John Mulaney Returns Again

Hi, I'm John Mulaney and I feel.

Feeling redacted until later in episode?

About being Conan O'Brien's friend.

Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, Walkin blues, climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

You guys are idiots.

Okay, go, hey there and welcome to Conan. O'Brien needs a friend.

As if any of that earlier stuff is not gonna make it in.

Sana was trying to get the last word before we started, but then I did. And but you're the mature one, it's not like it matters to you, what?

Which one of you is more pathetic?

CONAN I'm gonna say me, Oh, no, come on, it's not fun when we agree, No, it's definitely me.

Were you also a tease teen?

Well, often yes, I mean....

Until you acquiesce, then he'll make it passive-aggressive. No, I'll be the....

I'm the pathetic one, I'm pathetic, all right. Okay, no, come on, man.

You're doing it.

Look at your face, you're smiling at yourself, you're so proud of getting happy with yourself. If you could just put her saying I'm the pathetic one on a huge echo, so it reverberates, I'd be quite happy.

Normally, I do not grant these requests, but that one, I will allow it.

And take it away.

I'm the pathetic one.

All right, well, we should get going. We have an incredible guest today, absolutely incredible guest, one of my favorite people.

Everyone says mean things, all the musicians say sincere things I know, and the comedians say mean things.

Yeah, it's okay. What are you getting? You're a very good musician.

Thank you.

Also, I spent.

And then comedians go like, I feel angry at this redhead prick. Everyone has to pommel you from the beginning.

It's fine, it's what I want.

I feel quite excited.

I'm a country western star and I feel deeply honored.

Yeah, and I feel.

Unworthy.

Very pumped. Oh, okay.

Well, now I'm really curious what this is going to be. Except for, of course, Jeff Goldblum. Yeah, oh yeah. Who set the record?

Yeah, now I have the dilemma.

I know you really put yourself in a corner and I put him in a corner.

Well, I'm just excited to find out, whether you're a musician or not.

He's a great.

Hi, I'm John Mulaney and I feel cornered about being cornered.

You know, you perpetually look cornered, you know you think so, yes, you look like you're. you always look like you've been backed into a corner.

I feel.

Your eyes dart from right to left, sometimes left to right, yeah.

Peter Peter, on this next take 100 less.

Nervous serial killer of all time.

I hope no one saw the murder.

My friend Jeff Martin does.

You are, Bob Hope in a Supremes wig. Yes, that's where you are in your career. You're like, this would be funny, right? This is what they want.

My favorite is Frank Sinatra, I think, was on an appearance on a variety show with the Fifth Dimension. Oh yeah, and he's wearing a nehru jacket, yes, and like, a goofy outfit, and he's doing a goofy sketch with the Fifth Dimension. And they're, you know, wearing....

This was also around the time he did a cover of John Denver's Leaving on a Jet plane, which is a very melancholy song. But I think the way Frank interpreted it, leaving your wife on a plane is the greatest. And so if you listen, he goes.

"'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane.

He's so excited about the trip, I don't know when....

Fuck, I'll be back again.

Ask Chili when I'll be back.

Yeah, usually parents have a pretty low bar for entertainment. They go see, it's just, Oh, that was terrific. It's like, you know, Sona, anytime? ....

Wow.

And I'd say, really? And she'd say, Yeah, I mean, people worked hard on that and they made it. That was your bar, that was my bar. If they made it, then it's really exciting for them.

I'd say I give a lot, I'm a lot more on Sona's side on this one. The sheer raising of the money is impressive to me.

I would love it.

I respect anyone's collected hard money, small donor dollars.

John You, I would love it if you started writing movie reviews because a lot of movie critics are quitting, they're they're famously quitting. Or saying, I can't review. That's just superhero movies and movies based on board games and dolls. I'm out and they, you know, where's your mean streets?

Oh my god.

Yeah.

That's Vancouver, and there's no extras.

They work for Tim Horton's coffee and a pancake, yeah, and there's no extras.

There's no one in this restaurant.

Yeah, yeah, okay, well, all right.

I would absolutely tell you that the money's the only interesting thing. Well, I, I truly let me let me think about that before I commit to it.

Yep, yep, well, I love that because I remembered you and I once watching on the waterfront together. And I started to talk about how, um, God, Brando. And this is such a new style and look how Kazan shot it and you really get a sense of the city. And and you kept cutting me off and saying, this was done on a shoestring and you were very, very critical.

That insert, that's not his hands.

And you gave the movie zero stars out of five.

Yeah, for use of money, yeah.

And you said, black and white, Uh, now, first of all, we never.

I think line producers should review movies and they go, that's an insert, that's half a day right there.

I would love that, I would watch that any day.

That's day for night, that's, yeah.

I've always wanted to do a celebrity, uh, show that examined.

You had a celebrity driven talk show for a long time.

I thought the podcast was the start. I forget I get the order wrong. You had a whole career. It's the end.

I come from the beginning of the world's worst standup routine, you know, my wife has wise Alec.

Or quite possibly the best.

Quite possibly the best.

Uh, a night with Conan wise Alec.

Wise Alec. And even they have words for me.

And so I think it was when Cameo was coming was first becoming big. I said, When would I do Cameo? And one of her friends said, Four years ago.

If you had a celebrity show.

Oh, I want to do one where you open the books, it's called Open the Books. Yeah, and we take someone, say, both of us knows, and we're just curious.

I hike Fryman and bitch about money and wonder who has money and how you got to get together with Dana Carvey, cause he does this.

Well, I was going to tell you Dana Carvey, and I think we've mentioned it here, but Dana Carvey is a master. He'll stare at me and he'll say, I think it's what you made on the show. You didn't make that much the first couple of years, but then when it took off, I'm going to bet you made this much.

Yeah.

And he's amazing at it, so I get him to use that superpower on people that just confuse me. Cause there are people, as you and I both know in the business that they do okay. They get by and then they'll pull up in like a Rolls Royce and I'll think.

Yeah, it should be called secret money or overspending. So we bring in someone and we decide if they are making more than we realize, or if they're spending beyond their means, cause a lot of people do spend beyond their means.

Well, the host of over overspending is going to be John Levitz.

There's always, like you, you write speeches for Microsoft conventions or something, what I call revenue streams.

There's something you don't know.

There's something you don't know, absolutely.

Your little secret term is revenue stream.

Revenue stream. Yeah, can I ask you a question? You have a friend of your daughter's thing with you, correct?

Yes.

What does she call you?

She hasn't said my name, she just showed up last night, so she hasn't said, Oh, hello Mr. O'Brien, or....

Do the kid's friends call you, Mr. O'Brien?

Well, I'm curious, because, uh, yes, because that was something that happened started in grade school. Is that apparently the word went out. You call parents Mr. O'Brien or Mrs. O'Brien.

Proportionate.

Thank you, proportionate. Yeah, the minute I heard and my son wants a number of years ago, when he was a little.

He really big-timed you there, yeah.

What about you? what do you want kids to call you?

Mr Mulaney Yes, yeah.

Sometimes I say, Call me Dr. O'Brien, No, but you're not a doctor.

I'm not. Do you have a do you have honorary degrees?

I don't know who knows those things he does.

He does.

Yeah, from Dartmouth.

Dartmouth That's pretty cool, huh?

Why'd you laugh, then? why'd you laugh if it's so cool?

It's great.

You were expecting a different school, didn't you?

It's great.

That Dartmouth was Cornell book.

Get the tissues for Dom Deluise.

Oh, we, I want, I want the blooper reel on you, ripping into different schools.

You got a bachelor's or you got a you got a doctorate.

He got a doctorate, wow.

Was it of arts or something? arts? Yeah, of course, arts.

What do you mean? What do you mean? I'm a scientist in my own way, I'm a scientist.

You know, in the in the 1700s, you would have just taken over your dad's job, and you would have been assigned. Yeah, your dad would have dropped dead when you were 15. Yeah, instead of still being alive.

My dad, my dad is 94.

And you would have been working, you would have been training to do that from a very early age. You had no childhood, people always go, Oh, poor Michael Jackson, he had no childhood, but you know who else didn't?

We now know.

Wow.

We now know.

Sona A lot of people have negative takes on it.

We now know why John was not asked to give the eulogy at Michael Jackson's funeral.

I had a nice version. No, I read your nice version. I read your nice version. That's exactly what the host said.

I read the nice version and it leads with the whole giraffe no childhood thing.

I had a version without that, and I was perfectly willing to call in an audible and switch it on the fly. And the organizers knew that. But did I get let in? The Staples Center? No.

You know, Sona was a new hire when Michael Jackson shuffled off his mortal coil backwards, and he moonwalked off that mortal coil.

Was that a test? that was the final test to get hired?

No, and then I said, just a range of, like, a private viewing.

Oh, that's so funny.

And I said, I want a private viewing, and I heard her writing it down, like private viewing. And I said, So just find out who we talk to. Like, sometime alone with Michael, and I said, I don't want to run into Tito, Yes.

No Tito, no Joe Jacks.

No, tito. And then you said you wanted to adopt blanket. That was a separate call. Two days later. Okay, but I told her, no, that was just a joke.

I would believe you, I would believe him too. It's just he's a stone's throw from Michael's inner circle. I was, No, I mean, two calls and you've got two phone calls and you've got Quincy Jones or Barry Diller, someone who worked with Mike.

It's Conan O'Brien.

I don't know who I was calling on yet.

Okay, no, I could get I. that would have been fine.

That would have been, you wouldn't have known. I wouldn't have known, at least at the ready, that he didn't, you know, introduce him. Uh, during the black or white tour, so I wouldn't know in the I wouldn't know, yes.

Because I was a known person when you were young, right? And so for all, you know, I partied with, you know, Al Jolson, like I, you know, any pick, anyone from the 1920s. You link me to all those people. Yeah, yeah.

Thank you, Conan, I'm a massive fan of yours. Uh, I am I. Just. There's no other way to do that.

It was an ill-timed wow. Um, but uh, I cause you, you, you're, um, oh my God. who said, Oh my God, was that you?

We're not going to do that.

We're not going to do that. But I've seen you live many times, and so many times, you so beautifully and perfectly and hilariously capture things that I talk about. And one of the things that you've talked about some is when you grow up in families like ours, uh, in birth order. The need for attention and the things that you will do to get attention a hundred percent. And I was watching you being very hilarious about the things you would do and your jealousy of other people that got attention in weird ways.

It was the writer who wrote Travels of Europe and Travels of USA.

And uh, he, uh, gunther, John Gunther. And it's the story of his son battling brain cancer. And I remembered reading that book and being jealous of, And the kid loses the battle for dies and I. I read the book and I remember thinking, that guy got out so much attention, Oh my god.

1000%.

Thank you, thank you.

I, I remember telling my mom exactly what I wanted at my funeral and her I had no illness.

No, Michael Jackson.

Um, well, we didn't know that there was a lot of Michael Jackson.

I still can't get over that.

That I wasn't going to get to see people listen to all the songs I picked right and have the speakers come up say what a good person I was. God damn, can you imagine?

I remember that, and I also remember going to Mass with my whole family and my grandmother came with us. And I mentioned this to you guys the other day. But I have to say this in front of John. And so I don't know how old I am, I'm like 11 or 12..

Best political mic drop ever.

Thank you, yeah.

Bulldoze party speech Yeah, I don't think you realize I've been shot, everyone laughs. He goes, No, no, no.

And he opens his jacket and his glasses case stopped the bullet, and then he continues the speech. So today, that would be okay. Just be president. Let's stop fucking around trying to find someone else anyway. My grandmother's with us.

I knew you were going to say that.

I faked a slight limp going up the aisle and took my communion, and then did my limp on the way back and sat down on. My grandmother, leaned over and she said into my ear, Are you lame boy?

How much of that is responsible for your success?

That drive my fake limp. No, just that meme. That's why Lorne gave me late night, yeah.

Lorne cast him in, Lorne was directing Richard III and gave him the lead, and then from there from Richard III. He said, You want to write the late night show? And he said, What if I host it? What if I host it? Everyone was so busy that it happened.

Everyone was busy. That part's kind of true. Yeah, it's a little bit everyone is. That actually is true.

One year, I told everyone in school that my dad was Mark Summers, the host of Double Dare. And I would say these things then I'd forget about them, right? And then people would meet my dad and be upset. And then I would go to school and say that. Our house burnt down the night before, just to get, just to get any traction.

We're not, I don't know about you. I'm not defending any of this behavior, this is sad, tragic behavior. I am just that when I've, until John said these things in his standup, I felt well, I can never admit to this. But then a very well-liked professional comedian and voice of the voice of youth said the same thing.

Did it have the stick going from the arm? It didn't have the stick.

I wanted the stick.

The stick going from forearm to rib, yeah, from forearm to rib, yeah. Cause you wonder if there's even anything in there, if it's just all plastic.

I had my real arm tied behind me and then I had a fake cast with a stick. No, but I and I remembered my they gave me a medication and I remember thinking, this feels, I feel amazing, I have an incredible sense of wellbeing. And then I have this cast on. And they took me home and they put me. I lived up in the attic, they put me in my in the central, they put me on the second floor.

I'm just so curious, talent aside, cause this is the talent side of the table. How much of that drive?

He just gestured to John, I just want, yeah, I just say what I saw was a you pushed in and then you scooped towards.

I took your small portion and I just hedged my bets over here. How much of that? Because, you know, every kid dabbles in that we dabbled in in attention.

Seeking. But I think at a certain point, you go, okay, I gotta be realistic here, but you?

Continued on How much of that drive is responsible for where you guys are very successful, I'm just curious.

Well, you, why don't you take this, John?

Well, I don't know, because there's obviously talent, but what, what chicken or the egg? What gives you the talent, the need to like you, workshop your talent for a need for attention, or you have the talent? How did it go? If you have the need for attention, the drive for attention, and then you have the delivery device of entertainment, um, which comes first. That's why I think not everyone does it.

Me too.

And also I'm still mystified by people that don't want to be comedians. I'm actually still quite confused by why people don't want to be comedians. I'm not, I'm not remotely kidding, but also I don't understand.

If you openly mock the guy that made, like the Hubble Space telescope, that thing, that's no good.

You look in it, you just see your eyelashes.

That's the whole reason for having a telescope I can go online and look at an amazing photo of Saturn. I don't need to come over to your house and you serve this shit wine. And now I'm supposed to look at my eyelash and then a dot, yeah.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. The Hubble's crap anyway. It's no people that know about that stuff know it's crap, but I know to the public, it's a big taboo.

The new telescope, the web telescope. Now, that's the winner.

The Webster Hubble Telescope.

Is it Webster?

Who was Webster Hubble? Is that Reagan Bush? What is that? what is that name?

I don't know that it is. I think you should maybe go, nobody look at me.

Former Attorney General under from 1993 to 1994. Oh, that's Clinton, nevermind.

Incredible. Yeah, I'm not going to say that you brought us on an unproductive cul-de-sac, but I am going to say you're insistent.

You know what's good about a cul-de-sac? You can drive right out of it. We know who Webster Hubble is now, you know what I mean?

What bothers me is that when you entered the building, the name Webster Hubble was written on your hand, as if work this in. That's the part that concerns me.

And we still haven't even gotten to see Everett Koop.

I love that beard. Yeah, what a great whaler he was. I want to say something else. We've talked about this subject.

No, this is good. It's a good way to show you're listening is to say little things while someone's talking.

How do we know that we're not just dropping those in?

Dropping them.

You know, what I would love to do is record John doing little things like, Yes, well, of course yes, and then drop those into other people's, uh, anyway. I would do a thing sometimes over the years in front of the writers where I couldn't say something to them about how. I didn't like a sketch or what the flaw in the sketch was. But I could start singing a song and the song would very specifically, it would be a very chipper song. But it was a very. The lyrics were improvised, and it would then very specifically get into. What was wrong with the sketch? And it was like a spoonful of sugar.

Musical, passive, aggressive.

It's incredibly passive aggressive. But the song would keep going and I would commit to it a hundred percent. And people would be chanting along. And then realize that they had just, uh, had some. There was some lead in that, right, there was some. I don't know what that is, but I've seen....

It was, you're born in the USA.

I've seen what's that.

It was, You're born in the Usa, yes, behind that driving beat.

Reagan said Oh well, you know, well, well, we'll use that as my song, and then he hadn't listened to the lyrics.

And I hadn't listened. No, yeah, they were critiquing his sketch, yes.

So my question is, I've seen you do that, and I really like that. And I love the whole idea of being able to communicate truth by just singing a song. About what a waste of time, Webster Hubble reference was, and how we won't recover, how we won't recover, you know what I mean?

I'm the guy who makes references all the time, but when Melanie makes references, I shit on them and I bore myself with old references all the time.

I mean, it's ridiculous.

Yeah, exactly just like that, you can edit, right? I won't, but I can no, OK.

No, what I'll probably do is edit. In that time, multiple times, you referenced Tova Borgnine, Tova's wife. They had a bad divorce, did they?

Right, he divorced her because her forearms were bigger.

Wow.

Add more laughter there, I can't do it, and then some silence, and then music, and then more laugh.

Or was Ernest Borgnine divorced from Shelley Winters? Maybe I'm wrong. Shelley Winters? maybe he stayed married?

He stayed married to Tova.

OK, great. Were they married, didn't they do? Poseidon Adventure together with Shelley Winters?

Ernest Borgnine is in that. OK, he plays. Yeah, Ernest Borgnine is.

Let's go to summers. I doubt it's after they broke up. I actually no joke.

I think I remember seeing the Poseidon adventure, I think they were married in it. Yeah, he's a. I think. The two Shelley Winters and Ernest Borgnine are married to each other in the movie. Yes, they are.

Absolutely.

OK, your attack on me, I think, was completely unfounded.

But yes, you have.

Yeah, but I'm saying, I mean, in a good way, you have.

Yeah, I mean, shown how mean you can be, Oh, please.

I don't think mean, I think bravely honest, is the way I would call it.

No, it's like, you're, you're a monster, you changed up pitches and you're like, Oh, the whole time he's been mean.

Yeah, well, we could have.

Which is the big reveal for every comedian. Oh, they have contempt for so many people and so many.

Yes, yeah.

Take a second.

To think about the sled just to collect yourself.

You're shaking up a lot.

Yeah, this has been a huge revelation for me.

How about that funny waiter we had at dinner a few months ago?

Which waiter?

I don't even know their hotel.

I don't even look.

Remember how funny that waiter was? He gave us, He gave you the bill, you nicely treated me to dinner. And he said, and you said, And I'm not leaving a tip? And he said, Sir, I'm expecting something absolutely amazing.

Yes, he had perfect timing.

Yeah, he was great.

He was very good. I forgot, I forgot. We had a good time, didn't we? Did we see any famous people that night?

John Mellencamp from a distance.

I didn't see him, he was, I saw him.

I saw his profile, we saw, and we knew the guy he was with.

That's right we did.

I had a large gum abscess worked on that day, so my face had like a golf ball in it.

People in the restaurant thought I had struck you.

I know it really did look like, it did look like my face was swollen up, it didn't hurt and I didn't want to cancel dinner. Because he's so hard to get to nail down plans with ever since he got married.

Oh, the times we had.

Oh yeah, we were like, Bert Schneider and and.

Dib kibler, yeah.

Yeah, we were like BBs, we were like those guys.

No, we were they used to call, seriously, they used to call us the wolfpack. Oh right.

You go, you say it.

No, I come on.

We know it's Tova Borgman.

It is not Tova Borgman, but it was you, me, Alex Trebek, who's not around anymore.

He's not around anymore.

He's not.

He's, that's a good way to say it.

Well, I'm sorry, he's not.

We were young, we were, we were young, we were had, we had fun.

We had so much fun, I tore it up. And there are whole areas of New York I can't go to anymore, right?

We'd close out Jones on third. Yeah, it's a lunch place, yeah, people around the world, people around the world.

Lovely, no, whatever, but then, yes, I got married and I settled down and then you got all. You were like a baby about the whole thing.

I stomped my feet at the wedding, he did it.

He did a full on rumple stilt skin. He was going up and down, jumping up, jumping up and down, stomping and dirty cowboy boots.

No, I knew the first time I only two choices endeared me to you, but when I would do stand up on late night, I got to meet you. Like, after, I got to meet you on the show, and then I got to talk to you after. And you were talking about, you were shitting on the other guests. To me, I was thrilled. Yeah, you said it was like wrestling a cat, trying to get an interview out of someone.

Oh, yes, it's almost. You'd need to be lobotomized to to interview people every single night and just be delighted by everybody. It's not possible. And you were, but also I knew I could talk to you about it.

Immediately, that that was quite an honor to me is that you felt you could, you could say nasty things about other people to me, which you could and you can. Yeah, that's sweet, it's really sweet. It's one of the greatest gifts you can give a young man that you're mentoring.

It's to let him know, it's to let him know just how small you are on the inside.

What a little, yeah, little prick you are. yeah, what a nosy neighbor gossip.

I'm not the only one, you know, it's funny. Wait, what was the question?

Do you have good neighbors? Do you have nosy neighbors that snoop?

I have nosy neighbors that know that Liza's a witch. Oh, because they've been carrying through the hedges. Yeah, wait, no, but I love people. Then there are people that are able to, you know, our mutual friend who we both adore, Martin Short.

Oh my God, and no one's done it better.

And he's, he's, so, you know, I mean, he's, yeah, I think aren't all comedians mean, sorry, I mean, there's always.

Mean, mean, meaning, not cruel. Yeah, if there's a joke, how would you describe it?

Like, if I'm to, if you're with a group of comedians and they can make a joke about you, that's mean, but they'll know it, it'll get a laugh.

They'll do it, they'll do it ten times out of ten. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, ok, all right.

I was going to say, Nate Bargatze once described doing stand up for people that don't know what stand up is. He did it at a award thing for his father, and he said, they don't know. I'm a comedian, so it just seems like a mean speech. And it is. You have these prepared remarks where you're shitting on products and people and the city you're in, and it really is.

So someone did a mash up online of All the Times Marty's Come on the Late Night show, and he would always do the same thing. You know, he'd come out. The first ten minutes, which was just delightful and delicious for me, was him tearing into me with all these prepared, beautiful jabs, really going to town, and I would just be dissolving.

Oh my god.

Like, he's six, four, don't you? And Marty was just like, What? Like, Conan's just barely restraining himself.

No, doesn't he know he could tear him limb from limb?

Doesn't he know he could tear him limb from limb? But Conan's just showing great restraint.

Great grace.

Yeah.

Everyone in the studio audience was always going, Wow, Conan is showing great grace to this petty little man.

This petty little elf is just taunting Conan, but Conan with his coiled steel muscle.

Keep it up short, he'll be using your hands for ashtrays.

I just, I don't know. I just was like, Oh, OK, that's the essence of not understanding. I would like to make one thing clear, because we're talking about how mean we are. I have to say it, I don't. I'm not mean to anybody out in the world that I encounter.

Do we feel this is lost on any? I mean, I don't think, no, no, I do.

Because I'm going to hear about it, I'm going to hear, like, Hey, so apparently you're the worst guy that ever lived.

Now I'm back to your neighbors, who are you around? That's going to yell these things at you. You always get the paper on the front lawn and people yell things I do.

I go and I walk out, like, Tony Soprano, and I get the paper. Yeah, I'm always in the same robe that Tony Soprano. I bought it from the Gandolfini Estate.

Hey, more travel shows, less interviews, Conan.

Yeah, stick to what you're good at.

The travel stuff is working.

I like the travel stuff, more stuff with the guy Jordan. Is he even real? Yeah, I just want to say.

You want to clear it up that.

I want to clear up that you're a very nice fellow with.

That's nice of you to say. I think with a cold black heart, we have such an outlet for our.

Yes, that's an accurate statement, I would absolutely agree. I think I've been kind to you when people were watching Sona. When people are looking, I'm kind to you. No, you're not.

You're on this show, on the show.

You were brutal to me on camera when you had your late night show. Occasionally, I'll notice that we're in public and I'll know some performative, nice thing. If I think someone might see it, no, I'm saying, if I think people are watching, I'm good at replicating kindness.

Yeah.

Well, what about you? have you made progress in caring about whether people listen to your stuff?

Have you made progress in caring about what people think about me? Yes, yes, I have made progress. I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me at all what people think about me, but I've made a lot of progress. I would say the cycle is also shorter now.

Yes, that helps me, because I think I've made similar progress in that way. I used to worry too much. And if you had asked me 10 years ago, what's one thing you would change about yourself? I would say I would very much like to not care what people think of me.

Even today coming in, I saw Andy, then I saw Jeff Ross.

And you should be.

The shoe's really on the other foot.

You're John Mulaney now.

I'm not submitting writer packets to Jeff Ross anymore, I don't give a shit.

Well, first of all, you should never have been submitting writer packets to Jeff Ross. What'd you think, Jeff? Pretty good, it seems like it's typed.

And it's got words on it. I was giving them to Frank Smiley. Was that not the right category?

Frank Smiley.

Frank Smiley.

But still, he shouldn't have been submitting a writer packet to him either.

I was giving them to Dan Blyer in props.

I think your approach was all wrong.

All right, that's why I didn't get the big gig.

I submitted three packets to that fire extinguisher.

That's why I didn't get the signature. I don't understand what happened. And the receptionist at 30 Rock, or was it 50 Rock, knew I gave her explicit instructions.

You're at a dental hygienist's office.

Do you care what people think about you less as you get older? Yes, yeah.

I still care, but I care less.

Yeah.

Because I know that I'm just going to go away, crumble, turn to ash, it'll all be over.

How do you really deal with it? Don't do a bit.

Don't do a bit.

Don't do a bit about how you deal with it.

How I deal with what exactly, let's talk about it, death or criticism?

How you deal with whether you think people like you or not.

Well, I've talked about this before.

I do a bit actually.

No, no, I'm not going to.

I guess what I do, there it is, there it is.

No, I've mentioned this a couple of times before, but when I was a kid, I wrote e.

In a spider web, he wrote it.

He wrote it in a spider web. You just had to do it, didn't you?

You just had to do it with a goddamn pig.

This is from the guy that lectured me. Let's hear the real story. Conan and no bits.

The real story? I didn't say I wasn't going to do bits.

Oh, that's true, you never agreed to that.