The Lost Hans and Franz Movie Episode 3

Universal Pictures R-rated comedy Strays is the presenting sponsor of the Lost Hans and Franz movie, a special Conan O'Brien Needs a friend miniseries. Stick around later in the episode. To hear more about what we thought of the movie, check out Strays in Theaters August 18th.

No, I'm courteous and I'm friendly.

Yeah, and you're also chewing something.

That's cud.

Okay, like a cow in the corner.

What about Gavin, what about his soul?

Oh, right.

What about Ebert, Nah?

Holy smokes, I'm sorry.

It's like, Saget's got the only soul around here, what the hell?

I knew Gavin McCloud that man had no soul.

Is there anyone alive in this movie?

What's your take on his soul? Would you like God to rest it?

My take is that this script is like the ring. Oh yeah, anybody who's in it dies.

Oh, it's been 30 years, let's do it. Just a blanket. God. Rest everyone on this movie's soul.

Who's no longer here? Insert TV screen a newscast in progress. A picture of a very much alive John Ritter over the anchorwoman's shoulder, subtitled Girly Nap.

Once again, a message was left, this time reading What a complete girly man. The total is now at 16. Girly nappings as.

Insert another report.

A possible breakthrough in the girly nap mystery The term girly man has been traced to an obscure bodybuilding program.

A clip of pumping up with Hans and Franz is played.

That was canceled not long ago, before the first girly nap occurred.

Interior Arnold's living room. Later, Hans and Franz and Arnold are lounging in their lederhosen.

What do they mean? Obscure, yeah.

Fellas, this is not good.

Why jealous we're on TV?

We got big problems.

Someone is jealous.

Yeah, jealous Arnold sighs in frustration exterior Arnold's house night. Schmutzengrazen, schmutzengrazen.

J.A. When was the last time you used it?

About a minute ago.

As the investigators take notes, Arnold interrupts.

Excuse me, Sergeant, but this is ridiculous. I've known these guys a long time, plus I'm a huge star. Doesn't that count for some favoritism?

You're right, Mr. Schwarzenegger. We're sorry to take up your time. Everyone gets up just then.

It's just that easy.

It actually is just. Then a few cops emerge from the basement.

Sir, we've located a breakdown in the security systems downstairs.

Where?

Arnold runs to the open wall, where the box of crackers is missing my crackers.

Who could have taken them?

Only we knew about them, I mean, but we didn't.

I'm afraid we're going to have to bring your cousins in for more questioning.

Arnold, please.

Let it wait until tomorrow. For God's sakes, I'm bigger than Clark Gable.

Fair enough.

We're innocent, Arnold, Believe us now.

Put your hand on your bicep. Do you swear on your cardiovascular system? so help you buttock muscles? Yeah.

Of course.

All right.

So now, what do we do? You've got the cops after you and I've got no crackers.

I know it's really getting exciting.

Yeah, yeah, I wonder what he thinks.

What who thinks?

Follow up Hans and Franz run through another secret door, with Arnold following them. Interior Screening room. Moments later, Hans and Franz walk behind the aisle towards Ebert's seat again. Movie critic.

What's the deal, fellas?

Pretty damn good, huh, Ebert?

The seat is empty, except for some popcorn and candy. Yeah, Ebert. They notice the empty seat and look to camera. They got Ebert.

They got Ebert.

Ebert Interior Lair Same Roger Ebert is struggling on a cross-country skiing machine.

Good one lieutenant.

I'll commence feeding immediately. Soon, the girly men will be ready to enter the Mr. Little Austria Contest, where I will display them to the world.

Yes.

Good.

And what about the environment?

Oh, it's smarting, looks right to camera, it's smarting.

Unbelievable.

It was Rolf all along. What a cad he's got, my crackers.

And how about the other guy? Yeah, with the voice? Yeah, he's terrible, too. It's a great movie, though.

Yeah, but the crackers, they're not ready to be eaten, they're going to have side effects, terrible side effects. You've got to get back to Little Austria and stop them.

Oh, no.

How much time until the side effects?

They will take effect.

Turning right into camera.

In t minus 72 hours.

Music, dramatic sting as Arnold speaks. A digital clock readout marked time until side effects 72 hours appears in the lower left corner and immediately starts ticking down.

Oh, no.

What do we do?

You've got to get the antidote to the girly man.

Here it is.

Arnold produces in Hans and Them A Can of Cheez Whiz.

It comes in the form of cheez whiz.

Now go.

Cheez whiz and crackers, Cheez whiz. This is one of my favorite things in the movie. This is one of my favorite things. I ever the Siskel and Ebert thing, or it was originally Siskel and Ebert, but Ebert. That was funny to me. To just put, have Arnold. And I mean, have these guys walk and watch a critic in the middle of the movie, like several times.

Unlike the Marvel movies now, where they're all like at that little kind of a comedic.

Twist Everything's a wink, yeah.

Austin Powers.

Well, he's like he cracked the code. He came up with a character as funny as the main guy. But the whole Rolf thing for one thing, like, I love that, because it was like it was sort of a final solution joke. I mean, it's from my dark Jewish sensibility.

I sort of when I was looking at it this morning, I thought it was a little.

Yeah, no, it's the bad guy who wants to take what you guys do way too far, right? Yeah. And then the other thing in these movies was there would be like these messages about things like the environment, yes.

Which comedies?

I love the idea that Rolf.

Is this caddyshack or what are you? Which ones?

No, not Caddyshack, but like Spies like Us kind of movies, or Dragnet, there were a lot of serious bad guys in these movies and that would sort of stop the film. Cold. So then here, I love the idea of like Rolf. He had his. He had his first plan about, you know, just eliminating girly men, but then just tacked on gratuitously. And I'm going to hurt the environment.

Yeah, what's also that it's just a button? Yeah, he just pushes a button. That hurts the environment.

The environment hurt her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we get to this point in the movie. And another device that's always in these kinds of movies is like, you have to figure out a way for the hero to find out what the bad guys up to.

Yep.

You know, it's a button over here, yeah.

The overhear button. And here, like, they can watch the dentally. We'd set up this thing where Ebert's watching the movie, so they walk in. And instead of it just being the third version of this joke, they actually get to watch what's happening, what they find out about the bad guy, right?

Is it meta? is that?

Yes, that was the first meta joke ever.

Yes, that's right.

Not the Facebook parent company.

I also love that when you read a script, a normal script. Oftentimes, if someone's introduced, it says someone like a Kirk Cameron, someone like, But we're, you know, I'm just throwing out random names or some, you know, someone like a Rob Lowe. But. But because we were starting with the assumption that Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to be more than half the movie. Uh, once you, once you've swallowed that pill, we go hog wild and it's and and and suddenly we're just throwing people in the movie left and right.

Who had a doubt?

Yeah.

Hey, we got to do it if Arnold will do it, if Arnie Bona will do it.

Yeah, Arnold's just Arnold can just call people up and say, you'll doing it, and he was, you know, he could do it.

Yeah.

So I think I love that, I love that, just the we were so sure that everyone big.

Sure.

We swung for the fences, hmm.

And ultimately, no one did it.

Is that right? yeah.

No one did. It didn't come to fruition as well.

That you're ruining the endings. I think a lot of people listening don't know if this movie was ever made or not, so let's keep that as a possibility. Maybe it did come out.

Maybe they, maybe they read the Ebert book.

Maybe it was a massive 1992 hit.

Could have been man.

A lot of hits from 1992 have been forgotten, so why, why not just yeah?

Let's just tell people it was made, and it actually did pretty well.

And this is a big reunion.

Yeah, exactly the real Arnold's on his way.

Based on a true story.

Well, let's not say that it's never been made yet, we can say that yet, yeah.

Never say never yeah, no pain, no gain.

We mentioned earlier, this special miniseries is sponsored by the new Universal Pictures movie Strays. Very excited to have Strays as our sponsor. Sona, you and Bley went to an early screening and you told me you really liked it.

I loved it and I actually am really glad they're sponsoring because I don't have to lie and say I like that. I actually really, really liked it a lot, it made me laugh.

Yeah.

Bley, What did you think?

I loved it. It's about Reggie, a naive and eternally optimistic dog who's trying to find his way back home when he meets Bug, a street smart stray. That teaches Reggie how fucking great life can be when you're off the leash. It was fantastic.

It's like a classic raunchy comedy.

And what are some of the jokes that you liked in it?

Well, there's one where they go to, like a carnival, and then the fireworks go off and they think they're at war. And then there's just like a really funny take on it. One is like, also, they want to be friends with each other, so they just all pee on each other.

Yeah, if you pee on something, you own it. And my favorite part was they do shrooms. At one point, it gets like, really trippy. It was super, super funny.

It's really funny, I mean, we're not doing it justice. It's definitely if you just want to laugh in a movie, it's awesome.

Well, it's not a kid's movie, we want to point out. It's rated R definitely all right, so there's no confusion there.

They're almost there. HANSI Yeah.

Soon we'll be heroes, but how do we get into the evil lair to save the girly man?

Well, I'm afraid there's only one way.

Exterior Urban Landscape Day Hans and Franz approach Interior Little Austria Entrance same. They have gone undercover as girly men and wear exaggerated disguises.

It's good to be back, isn't it? Hans Shh.

Remember, we're girly men?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We must adopt girly mannerisms.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Interior Little Austria Town Square. Same they mill about trying to get noticed.

My look at all the pretty flowers, yeah.

I would look at them, but I'm too busy not exercising.

A few musclemen goons see them and whisper to each other. Hans addresses a woman.

Oh, you simply must tell me where you got that top.

Yeah, I can't believe my squinty, loser eyes.

The goons approach them. Would you, two gentlemen, like to come with us?

For whatever for.

Hans and Franz share a wink as they are taken away interior Rolf's lair. Moments later, Rolf is examining Hans and Franz, who continue playing up their disguises. Clock 21 hours, 1 minute, 48 seconds. So glad you could join me.

We should have known it would be impossible to hide our considerable bulk.

Yeah, yeah, but I think you did have them pulled for a minute there.

I think you are quite mistaken, my friend, if you thought anyone was a curly man.

Interior Lair Later, Ebert is inside a machine marked Flabby Suction.

Listen.

I just want to make sure I'm saying it right. Is it Flabby suction?

Yes, yes.

The flabby suction machine is connected through a network of tubes to Hans and Franz, who are tied down to another machine. Rolf stands triumphantly on a perch above them. The clock now reads 00 hours, 11 minutes, 16 seconds.

Oh my god.

How fortuitous of you to arrive at this moment, you see, I was just about to suck the flab from this humongous critic.

Still reading Ebert?

But now that you're here, the flab won't go to waste.

Our bodies will reject the Ebert flab.

Yeah, it's like oil in water shut up.

We'll see who can't accept Ebert Flab.

And then Ebert says, Could you stop calling it Ebert flab?

Please don't give us a bad review.

Enough commence flabber suction.

What the hell's going to happen?

I don't know, that was a cliffhanger, guys.

It was quite a cliffhanger.

We're going to drop off right there for this episode. That's incredible. Hans and Franz are tied down, while chunks of fat are being taken out of revered critic Roger Ebert.

Thanks to the evil Rolf, by the way, the idea to play Rolf was Dolph Lundgren.

Yeah, that's right.

I like the part where Dana doesn't want me to think you really was effeminate or a girly man.

Yeah, they're still bickering about, they've been caught and probably know they're about to be killed, but they're bickering about....

We weren't convincing.

Yeah.

We were convincing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We were not. That's the reason.

How could we possibly do this?

You didn't want anybody to think you were convincing enough to be a girly man.

It's so laughable that anyone could think we were properly pumped up. Is it funny how I thought we were feminine?

I knew it'd never work. There's no disguising with these things.

I'm trying to figure it out.

Racks of muscles.

Guys, had we?

Yeah, what would be in it for him?

I got to experience this years later, doing triumph. Yep, yep, and I would get people to do stuff in advance and it was always hilarious.

Right?

You know, and I think, Ebert.

Do you think Ebert would have done it?

Yes, I do.

Interesting.

I don't think Siskel would, though. Ebert was the good one out of the two. You know what I mean?

You know what? Well, Siskel was the thinner you brought up. Triumph and I think it's worth remembering. I remember when Triumph got really big and huge, people would contact us and say, Oh, oh, I want Triumph to get me, and I remembered it was Bon Jovi.

Yes, that was Richie Sambora's completely.

Yeah, Richie Sambora wanted it and the guys were all excited and they put Triumph's picture on the backstage passes.

On their backstage pass, yeah.

And it was a big thing. And then I remembered you went there and all the jokes were so mean about Jon Bon Jovi. And you thought, at the end, is there some part of him? I remember there was like,....

He was the only one. He's very nice to me in later years, but I could tell that he was not as into it as the rest of the band.

Well, he was really into getting his acting career going. And you said, Oh, I understand. In this movie, you play a vampire, finally, a role that requires you to suck.

Yes, Brian Stack's joke.

I saw the light go out of his eyes a little bit and I thought, Oh, shit.

Yeah.

I think with Ebert on the set, getting the thing hooked up, I think he would've walked.

Oh yeah, he was a lot heavier then. No, he wouldn't have walked.

He couldn't have, he's attached to a hose.

That was the trick.

I see.

Get your cameos tied up to an object.

Yeah.

Yeah, that was my trick. No, people like Joey Fatone, they're dying to get out there and be shat on.

Right?

I mean, they are.

It became a high honor, like having Rickles shit on you. I remember once we did a triumph on late night. And Simon Cowell was sitting right next to me, and you tore into Simon Cowell and I'm sitting right next to him. And you really go at him. And after it was over, he looked at me and he was covered in sweat and he went, That was rough, really, yes.

That's so funny because I remember afterward him telling me, No, this will be good for me.

No, no, no. Well, he was going through it, he said. It was rough.

That's so funny.

What would be your opening line to Ebert to try to get him to do this?

I would say-.

Roger, how are you?

Hey, congratulations. Arnold Schwarzenegger, biggest star in the world because it's 1991, wants you to be in his next film, okay?

And he doesn't want Siskel.

And he doesn't want Siskel.

That would have got him.

Oh, I see.

How about you, Smigel? What would you say to him?

To Ebert, Yeah, I would have said, read the script and see what you think. I would have tried to be very complimentary that we love your show.

So you would let him discover what the thing was alone.

I would have said, no, I would have set up the story, I would have said. There's going to be a whole bunch of celebrities that this evil guy wants to convert into muscle men. I wouldn't have mentioned, I wouldn't have said that they're all flabby.

Can I say one thing? What I would have done? Yeah, I would have gone back, re-read it and taken out the line that Rolf has. You see, I'm just about to suck the flab from this humongous critic. I would have just deleted the line humongous.

For now.

And then added it on the day of the shooting.

Dolph improvises, You know, Dolph, once you get Dolph 100 and go away.

We're just going to try one take where he calls you humongous. We won't even use it. Cut to the movie.

I didn't see the flabby suction thing in here before. Did you add that the flabby suction, Dana, what would you say?

Seriously, I'd be I would compliment him.

You are so averse to conflict, you'd be nowhere around.

I would tell him, you don't really have to do this.

You don't need it.

You don't need it, but we think it's a lot of good fun.

It's ridiculous, you would have said, it's ridiculous.

It's ridiculous, silly, the characters are silly, the whole thing is in good fun, everyone is having fun in this movie.

Think about this, forget Triumph and what I did. But, like you, everybody you impersonated well. Like, for example, Arnold was dying to do the sketch on the show, and John McLaughlin and Regis.

President Bush.

PrESiDent Bush Yeah, all of these people were thrilled, but you weren't talking about sucking flab out of them. Oh, but, you know, it was still pretty.

Here's what I would say, and this is why I'm not a good negotiator. I would open up like this, Roger, you're not going to like this.

How about this, Roger? You're not going to like this. But first, let's concede you could lose some, you could lose a few pounds.

Well, also, besides a competition with Cisco, was there another reviewer that he would maybe hate?

And we go. We rejected him.

Yeah, we rejected this. Other Pauline Kael.

If it's not you, we're going to get Pauline Kael and then he has to do it.

Oh, right, then he has to do it. He wants to deny Kael the privilege of being on here.

This has been inside baseball. How to manipulate people to do your project with Conan O'Brien.

Next week Al Roker?

All right, this is the end of episode three. Join us for episode four, where we read more of the Lost Hans and Franz movie. To a nation that just can't get enough, we'll see you then.

Produced and edited by Me Matt Gourley, directed by Matt Powers, executive produced by Adam Sachs. Nick Liao and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer, Samples engineering by Eduardo Perez and talent booking by Paula Davis and Gina Batista.

This has been a team Coco production.

In association with Earwolf.