#633 - KAM PATTERSON + DAVID JOLLY

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Guaranteed. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode, or what?

This feels like a good crowd in here. How many of you are real fans of the show?

Then you probably know sometimes, you know? I book every single episode of the show myself. And I try to think of, what did we do the week before? what did we do two weeks before? Where are we going? what have we done?

And on top of having some of the most famous featured Netflix new special comedians. Sometimes I like featuring and showing you guys the style of the future and the present. This is a very special one. If you guys are really fans of the show, I think you're going to be tremendously excited. I always know when it's going to be a really funny episode, the one airing tonight. For example, Dr.

Phil, played by Adam Ray and Sam Tallent. I warned people for weeks that's an episode you're not going to want to miss. I spent 80 of the episode here, laughing while trying to host the show. At the same time, this is one of those episodes that I think is going to be a thing of legends. I could be wrong, who fucking knows? but I very rarely am wrong.

This is the central core of what I believe is the future of Kill Tony. Their first time ever as panelists, you're watching history. This is what we would call a Jackie Robinson-like moment.

As I present to you your guests for this evening. Their first time sitting on panel of Kill Tony, their first time not doing a minute and instead sitting here. Make some noise for Cam Patterson and David Jolly. Oh my god.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Let's fucking go.

We're spending the whole night together.

Can you people give me a gang violence?

Oh shit, Tyler Perry presents Kill Tony. This is unbelievable red band. We are outnumbered on this stage right now. I don't know if you noticed that or not. This is a first.

Holy shit, you're right, five on three and whatever the fuck Paul Beamer is.

What are you? I'm Mexican, I didn't know that. That counts for a win, you're fired.

I fucking love it. Welcome gentlemen.

Let's get a little more juice on these microphones if we can. How about a hand for Kino in the back? He's deep in the darkness, he never gets the respect he deserves back there, one of the true necessities of the show.

Fun fact about him came over one of the must-hires we demanded from Vulcan Gas Company. He's been working sound on the show, Forever, love you Kino, he's back there.

Here we are black and milds are lit black and mild. I do believe we're about to get black and wild. You better fucking bet it.

We're definitely going to be black, that's for sure. This episode is brought to you by Youhoo Chocolate Drink.

And I already took his Hell yeah, he was reaching for it too, right when you said it.

I fucking love it. We're going to have a lot of fun here. You guys are legends on this show, you know how it works, everybody gets a minute.

Over 177 human beings signed up for the chance to perhaps get pulled out of this bucket. What the fuck is that black string in there? what is that? Oh, it's connected to the undertaker. One fell out.

Okay, grab it, we'll make that be the first one, why not? Oh, one fell out there, too sweet.

That'll be it. So we pre-pulled a name. There's a big bar next door with literally 177 people in it, and whoever signed up in the room is, in addition to that, 177..

So that name goes over there. We pull that person out and they will be waiting behind the stage. And you know how it works, when I pull a name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know, their time's up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which just interrupts them. And then I interview them. We find out more about them potentially.

What else they could talk about, what makes them interesting, and they get to talk to my esteemed panel of uneducated comedians? Whoa, whoa. I went to college for a year and a half.

You did, and I read real good. What college did you go to? I went to Florida A&M University, it's a Black school.

Oh my god, I ain't finished that shit. don't clap, motherfucker, fuck y'all clapping for my mama, mad as hell.

Still, we know you didn't finish, you said it was a Black school.

She was proud for a little while. What were you going for? Computer science?

Whoa, whoa, you know, you're fucked up when everybody laughs at computer science. I graduated with a 3.5. I'm smart, I just smoke weed.

3.

5. On what your DUI test? What's happening?

I'm smart a little bit.

Just a little bit cam Did you go to college? Fuck? no.

I went to Valencia for a month just to sell weed, and then I had left. Hell yeah, that boy can barely read and write, man, absolutely read and write.

While they go, grab that comedian from next door, we do have a comedian to go on. First, ladies and gentlemen, this guy starts every single episode of the show, a legend, you know the whole story.

Ups and downs and highs and lows and everything in between, headlining all around the country, selling out, crushing, having fans come back for more. He's a sensation. He writes a new minute every week.

Not easy to do getting tonight's show started. You guys know the song at all, sing it. If you know it, this is hot skip.

This is hot skip. Make some noise for hot skip.

This is hot skip.

Black and mild, more like Black and a child.

I Uh.

I think they should introduce a new submission in the UFC. Where? If you can hold down your opponent and pretend to have butt sex with him for 10 seconds, not only do you win the fight, but your opponent now has to retire.

Because if you're in a real fight and you get butt-fucked, but you still win the fight, no one's going to remember that you won the fight.

No one's going to remember you got butt-fucked and you're probably going to have to move.

It's been a pretty hot summer. As an Asian, I hate it when the temperature matches my test scores.

I prefer Mexican test scores.

70 to 72.

All right, thank you.

HANS Cam Ladies and gentlemen, with a brand new minute, Black and child, let's talk about it. Cam guns a-blazing. Are you calling Cam a child? He's very youthful and, uh....

I appreciate that, my nigga, you know what I'm saying? I just want to say, Fuck Rick Diaz nigga. We're going to kill him. It's a little inside baseball, but yes, absolutely.

Oh, no, I see what you're saying. Yes, Rick Diaz challenging him again and again and again, and he finally got it. You are challenging Rick Diaz in the arena. Sold out Heb Center. New Year's Eve. One of you will be doing a new minute every single week, and the other will be temporarily at least banned from the show. Have you been thinking about this at all?

Yeah, I've been saving up and thinking about it and just wondering how I'm going to crush this European with my American might. Hell yeah, woo, hell yeah, fuck that nigga man.

David Jolly, Hans Kim. I must say that was a very good minute that you just had. It was very entertaining.

I thought you were eating pussy.

Black people get to do the most racist stuff. I wish what I would give to just, you know what I'm going to do Blackface one day. That'd be a fun episode. That's a good idea, it's fun.

Yeah, that'd be fun. Let's switch it next week, you host.

You host in Whiteface, I'll do blackface, say you promise what? say you promise? no.

I'd be pinker than a motherfucker.

HaNS Kim I love it, the hot summer, the Asian scores, that all makes sense, that all checks out. Those are good jokes, rock solid, the U.FC buttfuck thing. I mean, I don't know.

Where does this come from? What is your writing routine? I guess I probably never asked you that, What's your regimen? where do you do it?

Are you at a desk? are you at the beach? are you on a toilet, in the shower? What is it?

I'm usually laying down because I have a neck injury. What's your neck injury? a herniated disc? How did that happen? Doing a little jiu-jitsu?

I'm a bit of a jiu-jitsu-ero, I'm up to my third stripe on my white belt. Wow, that's incredible. How often do you do that?

I have stopped doing it seven years ago.

Cam Patterson You weren't born with a black belt nigga, you guys usually shoot first.

David Jolly, I thought, you got that neck injury off that big-ass head, you got that big-ass whole world in his head.

Yeah, I actually graduated college.

That is true. David Jolly is the size of the head of a guy that drops out after a year and a half. You don't have to have a computer science degree to know that. You do have a pretty big noggin, though. Hans It is incredible.

Do you do any exercise at all now? No jiu-jitsu for seven years, but what's your exercise routine like? These are all questions I feel like I've never asked you before. As you can tell, I don't exercise too much. I have a kettlebell 35 pounds that I do kettlebell swings with.

I'm usually in hotels, just doing a foam roller just to do a little prehab so I don't injure myself. I have a punching bag, I've punched for Tim Welch, Sugar Sean's trainer, and he said, That's pretty good.

Your punching bag? What's her name again?

My girlfriend.

Wow, I love it. That's a fucking promo right there. This is what I'm talking about. It's a shame it's already sold out.

That would do it, that would push us over the edge.

Hans, I fucking love you, I'm so proud of you. Like I said, jokes like the hot summer Asian Test scores, things like that. The fact that you just keep writing a new minute at this pace, it's incredible, great stuff.

HANS KIM Everybody, way to get us started, so you see how it goes, that's how it goes when it goes good. Now this bucket is filled with people that it doesn't always go.

That good, but then again, we found everybody that you see up here and Hans and everybody else out of this bucket. So the future could be next, or it could be an insane person. Make some noise for your next comedian.

Eric D. Swalm, Everybody straight out of the bucket. We're going to meet him all together, Eric Swalm.

Hey y'all, does anybody get any weird compliments? I get weird compliments all the time. Someone told me they like how my voice sounds, which I think is weird. Because I feel like I sound like I'm doing an impression of a guy that looks like me on helium.

Yeah, dude, I also got told that I got a someone told me that she likes how my butt tastes. I got a good taste in asshole, but she was vegan, so I think she was just protein deficient.

You know, I also got told I fuck like a porn star. Was it all the cameras?

I was like, Dude, that's a terrible way to call a guy handsome.

Yeah, I don't even know. I don't even know if I write good jokes, man. I'm just pretty sure I'm pretty enough to make dudes feel a little bit gay.

Thank you.

How long have you been doing stand-up four years? and how long have you looked like Mario Lopez with down syndrome? Oh, shit.

Four years, all of it here in Austin, No. I came from Reno, Nevada. Okay, Reno, Nevada, that's where you've been doing it, huh?

Yeah, the smallest big city or whatever, don't bullshit like that. I mean, you would know you live there.

That's what they call it. It's like a really comfortable place, you can drink the water and shit. Is this where you were born and raised? yeah.

Okay, what do you do? For a living? I serve sushi out here, out here. Yeah, I moved to Austin.

I was homeless for a couple weeks. Yeah, so that was fun. When did you move to Austin, exactly about a month ago?

When it was two weeks of 100 degree weather and you were homeless for a couple weeks, tell us about that. Before you moved here, you didn't look for a place or anything like that? Oh, no, I did.

I thought I had a job too, but I got out here and didn't communicate.

What do you mean? I showed up to the pizza place that I was working at in Reno, it was corporate.

I showed up to the door and they're like, we don't have a job for you. Yeah, I just got fucked over that way. Bad planning is really what it was. Okay, how about the living situation?

Why was that? Oh yeah, same deal. I didn't communicate with the guys we rented the place out while you weren't.

So I got down here and that was the same deal when you say you didn't communicate with the people.

Does that mean that you confirmed at one point that you had a job in a place and then you just didn't follow up? I think that's really what happened. Yeah, I just expected that they remembered me, okay.

Are you on drugs?

Constantly, yeah, marijuana, just marijuana. yeah, right, but lots of it, yeah.

Enough to not communicate with both home and work. Yeah, I was expecting to be homeless, I guess, to be honest. So it sounds like you were going to be what serving pizzas?

Selling pizzas, serving pizzas, and now you're serving sushi. Yeah, how did that happen?

That sounds like a lucky upgrade. Oh, a lot of. Indeed, I saw the sign in downtown, they probably rule at getting people jobs out here.

Okay, so what's your cam, Patterson? What's going on here? Hey this nigga? boring as fuck dog.

I know.

Every single week and someone like this comes up and you're like, Yeah, Reno, Nevada. That's what they say. I didn't communicate, I didn't communicate properly.

David Jolly you must have wrote that shit in the car, What's up? That was your set? you wrote it in the car, No.

Oh, you've been doing that for a while. I've tested that for a little while. Yeah, well, you tested it at a crack house, very popular at crack houses. Yeah, damn, that was a bad decision, bro.

You should have bought a better one, right? Real people show up to this, yep.

Yes, they do. That's what you've got to kind of plan for is real people. So tell us something interesting about you. We have you right now as one of the most boring people in the show's history.

Probably one of the most interesting people in Reno, I bet you're probably the fucking Dave Chappelle of Reno. No, I was just the most handsome guy out there. Why do you keep on saying that? sorry?

Do you know that you're not good looking? You're as good looking as you are? Funny? Oh good, which ain't much David Jolly.

Hey you, the most handsome motherfucker with down syndrome I ever seen in my goddamn life. I ain't gonna lie you got that one brother. It's true. You have like a sloth-like head shape.

You have cauliflower hair a little bit used to wrestle? Do jujitsu? Yeah, ah, jujitsu, okay.

I have a friend, Hans Kim, that would beat the shit out of you. What kind of belt do you have? It's a purple one, ah, a purple one, like my panel's favorite drink.

You gotta believe it.

Tell us the most interesting thing about you, Eric, because right now we're struggling for fucking anything right now. A fun fact about your life, something that makes you different. So my ex, her and I broke up to do comedy in different cities. She moved to L..A.

Because she's a dumb bitch.

And yeah, I moved out to Austin because, like Texas, I'm racist and gay.

But um.

I know, sorry, but my ex....

You could have just taken the ball and ran it any direction. You just called a girl a bitch and you called yourself gay for the fourth time in fucking five minutes. She actually has your number, okay?

She knew you from the comedy store. Yeah, okay, so I guess you used to call her out by name, and you seem to remember people really well. I don't understand what you're talking about, what is going on here.

What do you mean? I just thought that was interesting that I was dating someone that was talking to you to the point where you know, like, what, are you sure? She had my number? Are you positive of this?

No, but I thought that would be a fun.

That sounds more like everything else about you. Yeah, she had a. She was pretty convinced that you gave her your real number. Like you'd leave the bathroom and be like, Hey Fiona and....

Wait, what, what'd you just say? I'd leave the bathroom and what? oh, you'd see her leaving like the bathroom and greet her like you actually knew her, greet her.

I can't understand what you're physically saying. Oh, shit, take a breath. So I would see her leaving the bathroom of the comedy store, you would be walking out of the bathroom.

She'd be with a group of comedians and you would be like, Hey, Fiona, she's a comedian. Yes, now this is starting to make sense, right?

She was a comedian in L.

A For how long? Seven years, right? I was a comedian in L..A. for 15 years.

Yeah, so you say, like, you tend to remember people. I've noticed I don't know her name and it sounds like you guys broke up. I don't think you should be talking about this right now.

I think everything you've done up here has been a massive failure. Am I friends with her? No, I thought it would be an interesting story and I was wrong. You've been wrong about a lot here. Eric D. Swamp.

So I'm not friends with her, but she thinks she has my number. Yeah, the whole idea was that she could text you or whatever, Why would she text? What was the idea of her texting me? I don't....

You know what, the more you ask, the less I know.

You fucking suck, dude, in like every way. What do you think is going to happen here in Austin for you? Oh shit.

Goddamn, not a goddamn thing, says Daniel Watson, God, and that's the third string drummer of Kill Tony telling you that, Okay, Daniel.

No, Daniel, don't put the sticks down there. You just got roasted by our fucking Zach Wilson. what's his name at the chest? Just play the drums, bitch Zach Wilson.

It takes two quarterbacks being injured for Daniel to even.

All right.

Okay, okie, dokie. So Eric D. Swamp, I mean, everything here was a failure.

Your set, your interview. We tried to get anything out of you whatsoever. It seems like you have anger issues, confidence issues, and a bad sense of humor. You make bad decisions in every single way possible. You could have done almost anything tonight and been funnier.

It's incredible how unfunny you were. I feel like if we tried to do this five to ten more times, we couldn't even reenact how unfunny you were tonight. It's an absolute anomaly and I do this every week and you've amazed me here tonight. You will not walk with any size joke book. There, he goes.

Eric D. Swamp No gel blaster, no joke book. If you don't have a decent minute and you contribute nothing to the interview, you leave with nothing. And millions of people get to watch that happen.

Might be funny, might be completely insane, but I know for a fact, it's gonna be better than Eric D. Swamp, whose girlfriend I probably fucked at some point.

Probably fucked her a lot better than he ever did. To make some noise for your next comedian, Mr. Mars Martian, Everybody.

Mr. Mars MaRtian Oh shit, here we go.

60 seconds uninterrupted for Mr. Mars Martian. Make some noise for him one more time. Come on.

Yeah, well, holy fucking Cowbunga nigga, we did it here we are. So my internal dialogue is fucked up and that's not fun.

You know what I mean? I'll be standing in the mirror, like, snap out of it, you fucking nitwit, idiot bitch, you understand, cut the dog shit clown. I got this Xbox Live in my frontal lobe and I can't stop the chatter.

I just casually roast myself into oblivion, make myself feel bad, hurt my own feelings. I talk shit until I cry, I talk shit in the mirror until I cry.

I'm a fucking bully, my internal dialogue is fucked up. I don't believe in therapy, these soy boys out here getting pussy boy therapy, what the fuck I look like?

Ain't no pussy, boy, all soy. I see we got a bunch of fucking...

Yeah, never mind, it's all good. I'm gonna turn my outie into a fucking upper innie. Doctor, what are we doing here?

I don't know, it's a lot of fun anyway. I don't have anything against any soy boy, pussy boys, I just want to put that out there. That's enough.

That's enough, that is indeed enough.

Mr.

Mars Martian Holy shit, where do I even begin with you? A thousand times better than the last comedian and still god-awful at the same time. How long have you been doing stand-up, Mr?

Mars Martian If that really is your name, it's the Mr. Mars Martian. About six months straight non-stop. yeah, having fun, six months straight non-stop having fun.

I like it absolutely. Has anyone ever told you that you look like the bloated corpse of the current White House press secretary? That's a first.

But I do know I look like every look-alike that's ever looked like in this motherfucker. So yeah, you look like if the Weeknd never took a weekend off.

Yeah, whoa, is that a Vince McMahon shirt you're wearing? I fucking love that. That's cool as fuck. D-man is just having nothing to do with this.

He can't even see you, and yet he's seen enough. Damn Mr. Mars Martian, Where do we begin with this guy, David Jolly?

I don't know what the fuck just happened that nigga gonna ask it or something.

Cam PATTERsOn I've known Mars about four months now. And I don't know if he can say Nigga, yet, you know what I'm saying? I don't know what he is, but I don't know if it's a nigga, you know what I'm saying?

And I want to talk real bad about him, I think he gonna kill me in my sleep, so I'm just gonna stop talking. It's a new breed, it's the Cowabunga nigga, it's the new style.

That's not a real thing nigga, you can't make up styles of nigga bro.

That's the style that's organized crime right there. Cam knows when I point at him, it can only mean one word and one word only.

That's funny, teenage, mutant n-word turtle. That's what I see. It's not as funny. You wanna do it again?

Okay, so let's talk about it. Six months in the game nonstop, or four months? what'd you say? six months nonstop? What do you do for work? Exactly? I used to automate data centers.

What does that mean?

Until banks started collapsing, I used to automate data centers for a bank, I used to be a software engineer. Okay, the blackest thing about you is that I didn't understand a word you just said.

What?

Something, something data centers, yeah, I used to do software automation. Okay, all right, that's like a nine-to-five type of job, yeah, corporate gig, yeah.

Do you use a pillow at night, or do you just lay your head down on that hair? It seems like it would be really soft and nice, it seems like it'd be pretty cool.

I bet you do have a pillow, I'm gonna move on. What do you like to do for fun, Mr. Mars Martian? Anything creative?

Make music, make jokes. What kind of music do you make? Oh boy, it's like jazz, kind of death metal slam, type of shit. jazz, death metal slam. That is a wide range, my friend.

He just keep making shit up, though we don't. he just making shit up. I do rap, jazz, the smooth shit, you know what I'm talking about?

You know where that shit goes, David Jolly? I'd love to hear that shit. Well, I got news for you, Mr.

Mars Martian, What do you do you sing? what do you do you play an instrument? Oh, I got keys, I got drum pads, I got several guitars, different tunings and all that type of shit.

You sing, I'd rather not play the bingo and be forced to sing and dance all of a sudden. Type of deal I can sing. You made it an and dance thing.

I just did all the bingo. What do you think? I got tap shoes in your size or something like that. bring them out. I got wrestling shoes on.

Okay, so you'd rather not sing? you can't really. You named a bunch of instruments that aren't on the stage all at once.

He didn't really say drums, he said. drum pads. yeah, it's a little different. yeah, it's a little not drums.

Okay, what are you best at? What's the thing that you're best at in this world? Mr. Mars Marshall? Oh, shit, nigga, nothing.

Nothing at all.

I'm just being myself. Who could be me better than me? That's it, Nigga. Okay, what's your love life like? I had a very fulfilling seven-year relationship.

That's over now. When did that end? A couple years ago, about two years ago, when you killed that bitch?

Killed her and took her hair.

Yeah.

You can't weave me.

So it ended two years ago. Have you moved on? Oh, absolutely, absolutely. So what's your love life like now? Right now, I'm just pursuing the arts.

I'm trying to be fulfilled by being creative, being myself, just trying to get as much shit on there. Yeah, yeah.

Look, I ain't gay no more. Yeah, that's what you want.

That mean, he beat that dick with two hands. Boy, I know that big guy got a goddamn burn mark on it.

He looks in the mirror and just squints his eyes, like, Oh, look at that hot bitch.

My goodness gracious. So like the last girl you were with, what was that like? Ooh, you're talking about comics? I'm really not talking about that, yeah.

Whoopi Goldberg Comics Yeah, you can not. Uh, never mind what, you fucked the last guy's girlfriend, too.

We're all talking too emotionally unstable. You can't, you know what I mean. It's not a pursuant thing, it's just a horny thing in the moment, that's all.

So what happened? you did an open mic, then what happens? you get offstage, then what happens? No one knows who it is. You can literally talk about this.

Right now, you're in an interview on a live podcast. Yeah, yeah.

It's okay, uh-huh.

I'm more of a real-life interaction type of person, so I prefer to stay out of the DMS and the swiping and all that stuff. So yeah, if it happens, it happens, if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen, so yeah.

So what happened?

You do an open mic, you get offstage, you go up to her, she comes up to you, what happens?

I mean.

Did anything really happen? You making this up? I'm trying to be discreet, he don't want to talk about it because he killed her.

Yeah, she.

I'm gonna keep you on the spot here, so you're at an open mic, right? She's there, right? Or is it online? What happened?

So we get a lot of people, we get a lot of transients in and out of town all the time, a lot of people from other states come here. Uh-huh, over here, stop looking out into absolute stranger's eyes and getting confused.

It's always a fresh pool of comedians in and out of town. Okay, so then what happened?

You better start answering the fucking question, all right? So, I mean, they were staying at a place that was only two blocks up. They lured me back to the den with mushrooms, we did mushrooms.

We hung out, we hit a bunch of mics, but then they had the place to go back to, and so that's where we went. Type of deal. David Jolly Oh, that bitch dead, she definitely dead.

She killed that bitch, that whole dead.

Some mushrooms. She had a place to go back to. What's your living situation? I live out. do I dox myself?

I live out by Mansfield Dam, kind of far, like 30 minutes from here. I didn't ask, exactly where do you have roommates? Do you live by yourself?

No, I'm a homeowner in Austin, Texas, a homeowner. How were you able to do that? I used to be a software engineer for a fortune 100, okay, and you saved up your money.

You bought real estate? Yeah, see, that's an interesting, fun fact about you. That's actually fucking shocking.

You're a homeowner. I mean, incredible. What are we talking about? One bedroom, one bath? What do we got?

I don't know, it's on an acre by the lake, it's kind of cool, you don't know how many bedrooms, how many bedrooms.

Oh, I got two, I got two bedrooms, I got two bedrooms. Jesus Christ, what are they serving up at this bar?

They're keeping everybody at, Oh my god, fucking wild, okay, Mr. Mars Martian?

Anything else, any other special skills or talents, or anything we should know about about you? I've been in Austin for like, six years. I'm originally from Compton, California. Oh, okay.

All right, okay, there's a few fans of Compton here, the majority of them being at the table with me.

What do you think about the fact that they just finally arrested Tupac's murder?

So he's the last one of four that were still.

Everybody else is dead, except for him. It's kind of one of those double jeopardy kind of deals, I guess, you could say.

He killed Tupac, too.

This nigga's a murderer dog.

Boom, there he goes, Mr. Mars Martian. This is a fun episode.

So far, you're getting to find out the strength of the bucket here tonight. It is pretty wild, pretty sure any of you could do better than the people that have been doing this for months. It's kind of wild.

Pretty crazy. They overthink it.

We're going to keep it moving along. Make some noise for your next comedian straight out of the bucket. This is definitely a new name. Make some noise for Geksi or Jesse or Jedgeci g-e-g-s-i.

Geksi Oh yeah, here we go make some noise for Geksi, everybody.

Hey, I'm Geksi, can I take?

So this is my first time in Austin, actually, I came from the Seattles, I flew in here to attend my cousin's wedding. And I think they're going to be really furious when they know that I'm here instead of writing my vows.

But it's all good because I'm a pretty good guy and stuff. Except for I used to be super addicted to showering, but I'm clean now.

And.

I also can rap and stuff, so hey Tony, Hey Tony, I think that your jokes are cool and you're real and not a phony. And if I was?

How are you? The best set of the night out of the bucket pools? Incredible, incredible, absolutely unbelievable performance.

Great Jesse, how long have you been doing stand-up? This is my second time ever, really. wow.

That is incredible. Yeah, I'm actually here with a bachelor crew and so we kind of all signed up really so.

It's like a bachelor party from Seattle, your friend's really getting married, he's really getting married. I hope, yeah. And so we're kind of letting it rip.

Jesus, Finally, somebody with anything up here. I'm like, God. Everybody else just tries to be cool, they don't realize that to be cool, you have to be funny first and then cool second.

Everybody's trying to fucking this ain't cool at all. It's funny though, and by being funny, it's cool, so it is cool, you see what I'm saying.

You look like you have cancer.

I gotta get that out of the way, I gotta knock that out, but you don't, right. I don't think so, right.

We're gonna get you checked out, we're gonna get you an IV drip from the great people over at Connect Mobile Health. I'd be down to get checked out. I'm also single, Hell yeah.

Absolutely. Do you have kids? I don't have kids. How'd you get those dad jokes, though?

Those jokes were really cheesy as hell. Did you write them or did you read them off, like laffy, taffy or something like that?

I don't eat laffy taffys, but I didn't necessarily write them, I just thought of them.

And that's kind of how I did it.

Which one do you think, which one was the one that offended you? They didn't offend me, They were just really cheesy. Which one was the cheesiest all of them?

Every single one of them, the one about coming in from Seattle, I had to write the vowels, that was cheesy. No, no, no the jokes.

The actual jokes, right? So that got a big laugh. So the yoga one, the poser, yeah.

That sounds exactly like a dad joke, like, Hey, I did yoga, the posing or whatever.

Writing extraordinaire Brian Redband with his input on the writing of jokes, everybody.

You don't agree with that, you don't agree with that, you don't agree with that. Not really. No, you thought those were hard-hitting jokes?

No, no, no, I just think he's obviously a one-liner comedian, and those are different. You could almost say that about any one-liner comedian. You could say Mitch Hedberg kind of did dad jokes, but they're funny.

Okay, you know what, Redband? We're just going to keep moving on with the show, critiquing the material isn't really your best feature of the show. All right, I'm wrong, you know? I'm sorry.

I am so wrong.

There you go, very good, thank you. Back to the comedy part of the comedy show.

Jesse, tell us more about you and your life. How about a hand for the amazing staff here at the Mother Ship? so cool, best staff on planet Earth, The great Carrie Mitchell picked all these amazing people.

We have the best fucking crew here. Shout out to Tracy and Chica and the service. Everybody's just amazing here. Tell us more about your actual life, you weird motherfucker. Well, my actual life is just like this, but a little different.

I usually will be climbing trees or making wedding wraps. wedding wraps like wraps about a wedding.

Yeah, at weddings you have really good timing and stage presence. Where do you think you get that from? How do you have such an interestingly present sense of humor?

Timing, timing, timing, timing. Well, one time my friend told me that when I swing my golf club that I have pretty good tempo, yes, that's a big deal in golf.

I think my golfing translates to here, absolutely, it absolutely does. I agree with that. So, a wedding wrap?

Can you give us an example of what a wedding wrap sounds like? If my good friend gave you a beat, the great Daniel Watson? Make sure you really enunciate into that microphone so we can hear you right, right. Once the band starts playing, it gets a little loud.

We want to hear you rap, here we go. We had to come to the wedding. I hope everyone's ready, hope you brought your confetti because the party's going on. And I'm making up this song because we're getting married and also taking rips from bongs.

It's a fun wedding, right? because it's a fun wedding where crazy, silly stuff happens. Like a guy who they think has cancer is rapping.

You got it? Yeah, absolutely.

Absolutely.

The crowd goes wild.

The crowd goes wild, strobe lights have been activated. Unbelievable. Jesse, I mean, can you believe this fucking guy? We got a white rapper?

Hey he good, too. But this is the first time in show history y'all have had three serial killers in the fucking room.

That's magical. That'd be with Raul, though, Jesse, you hear me, that'd be with Raul. You look like you were touched as a child.

You know what I mean?

No cereal box was safe.

More dad jokes Yeah, absolutely. The mentioning of serial killers on the show has been prolific. This episode. If you were going to murder somebody, how would you do it? I made a video about this already.

Okay.

So I think what I would probably do is leave them in a room with a mouse and then that way they have to fight to see who survives. And whoever I'm killing, I think wouldn't be the type of person that would want to kill a mouse, and so it would just go the other way.

Fuck yeah, Jesse, I absolutely love your style. I cannot bring myself to believe that this is only your second time on stage. You're being serious, I'm being serious.

I tried it once and I thought, maybe I could do this again, you know?

And then next thing, you know, I made it to the big deals, big stages. Yeah, you did, and you did very good at the big deals.

You're leaving with a big kill Tony joke bud, you're leaving with a gel blaster. give him the biggest gel blaster.

You can write your manifesto in there, anything you want.

I really like that, maybe that'll help with my jokes to be less corny.

Don't take, don't take Redman's critiques.

Not exactly fucking Mark Twain over here we're dealing with.

But anyways, maybe being corny is a part of my thing, so either way, I just went with it and I loved your guys vibes. Yep, yep, for real. The sounds that you made really conjured up some feelings in me that just really make me want to get after life. And I hope that other people feel that too.

I don't believe he's ever going to go there, He goes everybody, Jesse. I believe he's waiting to get teleported to some other place.

Are we having fun out there, huh?

Maybe D.C. also is from North Carolina or something like that. It doesn't matter who gives a fuck, the point is. He's very, very funny. He's here with another new minute.

Make some noise for the return of the great Martin Phillips. Everybody, here we go, Martin Phillips, legend of the game here at Coltoni.

Brought to you by Zipix Zip. More, smoke, less. One more time for the great Martin Phillips, everybody.

Sounds good, sounds good, okay? I read if you had a sex dream about somebody, you know, it means you trust that person, so I learned that I trust too many people.

I'm too trustworthy, I don't know.

I really dig hands. I use my hands as an adult. They're piano hands. I don't know how to play the piano, however, my hand jobs are ridiculous.

It's as elegant as the piano I only play in Forte.

You should see my double crescendo.

I live here in Texas. It's hot as fuck, but people say it's a dry heat, you know, you know where else there is humidity, the fucking sun.

It doesn't matter.

Fuck yeah, Martin Phillips, that is how you do it. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. That is the difference between a Golden Ticket winner and a bucket pull.

That was fantastic, indeed. I must agree with my panel. We are on a run. I do believe this is four serial killers in a row. I was going to say that.

This is my crowd, my people here tonight, absolutely.

Worth the skull for a reason. I feel like you would leave the most evidence out of the hall of the serial killers. There's some sideways footprints leading back to.

Everybody he tried to kill, get away nigga.

Y'all make it home safely.

Oh, shit.

Oh, I love it, absolutely. He's a goddamn lion, nigga. It's cool, Martin, so you moved here to Austin, right?

Yes, I live in South Austin, represent absolutely.

Absolutely David, Jolly. Hey, when you were swinging your damn arms around, I thought you were going to hit me with one of them. Motherfuckers, it's the battle earth.

Yeah, watch yourself, that's why I did the pockets. I ain't got no insurance, motherfucker.

He was just swinging them business.

This is an unbelievable anomaly.

Martin Phillips.

Remind us all How do you make a living? Exactly? I'm a substitute teacher. Wow, okay, I've been a career-long substitute teacher. I love it.

I love it. You strategically are only a substitute teacher, so you only teach when another teacher can't make it. Yeah, well, like, do you push the cart with the TV in yourself, or do you use that as like a walker? both?

Everyone says that, but it's not 1995. Okay, they have projectors, schools have, yeah, they upgrade it. most schools, I guess, depend on what district you're in, exactly.

Exactly indeed, the Philadelphia School District does not have any projectors or televisions left right now. They have been looted, everybody, they are looking for certain types of people to get them back. We don't live in Philly Nigga.

That's why you got away with it.

But I damn sure took that shit, nigga. If I'd have seen you in a substitute teacher when I was in high school, boy, I'd have had a field day with your ass, boy.

Oh, this nigga retarded, Hell yeah.

Fuck, yes.

I was fucking behind my shoulder, like, so I'm a complete pussy.

I don't fight, I don't break up. I thought if I broke it up, they would start kicking my ass.

So when the kids misbehave, is there something? do you have something loaded up that you say or do to try to regain control? Yeah, I know, usually, you know, it's going to be a bad class. And the office is like, here's our number, call us if anything happens. And sometimes I'm like, Okay, I'm going to call the number, but I don't want to call the number. And they call my fucking blood, but then I'm like, Ah, fuck, they don't call, then I call, they don't fucking answer, and I'm like, fuck.

It's bad.

What's the worst thing somebody ever told you in class? Actually, people are pretty nice to me. I don't know what they say behind my back, but to my face, it's all been pretty good. And so I didn't know this. But it was a special ed class, and then isn't every class special ed?

Yeah, I was like, I'm not a student. Okay, I'm in it.

I had no idea, I was just talking my head off, they were just staring at me. I was like, Okay.

Then the interpreter showed up. I was like, Oh, okay.

I was like, wait for the bell, guys, I was like, you probably never heard that bell.

Martin, you're a fucking stone-cold assassin you might be. ....

Make some noise for the great Martin Phillips, everybody.

There he goes, we found him out of the bucket on the road, you believe it, the bucket pools. We get here in Austin, the comedy capital of the world, and meanwhile, we found people like that five years ago, in the middle of nowhere.

Another bucket pool here for Austin, so we're gonna meet another one. Right now, we are on a run of serial killers like never before. Let's see what happens. Make some noise for Carlos Cisneros, everybody.

Carlos Cisneros.

At the morgue. Oh, I like how that dude just fucking cringed a little bit if it makes you feel any better. The whores were not dead. Some of them may have been underage, though.

Shit, it only gets worse, it only gets worse. But relax, I don't know if you guys are fact-checkers.

You can't get AIDs from kids, guys, I don't know if that's something you....

Try that in a small town. You thought you were all cool and shit. At least I did. I'm from a small town, something you don't want to try in a small town.

Dating apps. All of them, bro, everybody's on there, everybody, you know, my mom, my sister.

It's my time. My name is Carlos Cisneros. Thank you very much. Oh my goodness.

Oh my goodness, this is real me. Oh my goodness.

This nigga balled his foot.

This is incredible. So Carlos, let's talk about it. Do you really have AIDs? I don't really have AIDs, okay?

All right, cool. I wrote a lot of jokes during the pandemic and that was the first one that I felt was actually any good. And I ran with it. Okay, all right.

Cam I don't know if you heard, but d-madness goes, Please stop nigga.

Yeah, you're doing good, you're doing good. D, You're lucky, you're blind. You don't want to see what's going on here right now. No, I know.

I feel it, David Jolly.

I can't believe you came out here on national television and did that bullshit. Hey, TV's dead man. Hey, you ain't got no fucking friends and you should get rid of all them motherfuckers. That shit was terrible, it was real bad.

Carlos, let's talk about it. How long you been doing stand-up comedy? I did a few months before the pandemic, and then a few months after, No, like four months, a few months before, a few months after.

Okay, and what do you do for a living? I'm a respiratory therapist, respiratory therapist, so what exactly do you do?

Breathing machines at a hospital? Okay, that's your specialty, that's my specialty. How long you been doing that?

For 16 years, right? So respiratory, and I get the feeling that's not the only sucking and blowing that you do, huh?

Are you gay, Carlos? I am not really. Oh my God, you just move around and talk like that.

I'm in the club of Kill Tony, the what the kill Tony club. No, you're not all right.

My bad.

He gave me that stare down, too. He's like, Nah, okay, so you have a cowboy hat there with a bunch of signatures on it? What is that?

I've been traveling to Austin for quite some time, even before the whole Rogan over here. I'm a musician, so I've been getting signatures from the crowd and whoever. All right, what kind of music do you do? Let me guess, death metal, jazz?

I would say, like a Jimi Hendrix chili peppers, you play guitar, you sing, you sing, and you play guitar, and you don't have AIDS.

You sure you don't have AIDS?

You positive, I'm sure. are you better at music than you are at comedy? I probably am, most definitely am.

How long have you been playing music for since 1999.?

1999.

Matt Muehling What do you think you want to hear? What this guy can do?

Matt Muehling's willing to fucking let it happen. Let's see what happens here.

Carlos.

Oh yeah, we got a little bit of a.

It's insane back here, what's going on? We got a lot going on, huh?

We got a lot of chords. It's a tight stage. The stage was originally supposed to be custom built around this production, but no one communicated with us when building it. So that was kind of a thing. It was a decision by a little bit of upper management.

Budget cuts communicate with us, literally an unlimited budget, but they built it very small.

Are you going to be able to do that?