#648 - SHANE GILLIS + MATT MCCUSKER - NYE HEB ARENA

go to sunset strip a t x dot com and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony. back on my stand-up tour at the end of january, hitting all the spots that i didn't hit on the fully grown tour before this vancouver, portland and seattle. you're next january 25th, 26th and 27th, and then los angeles, california. i do stand up denver, colorado, cleveland, pittsburgh, boston, baltimore, salt lake city, san jose, dallas, houston, st louis, nashville, fort, lauderdale and orlando. i'm so pumped for these upcoming dates, really excited for you to see it taking some of my favorite openers with me.

you may recognize some of them. get tickets now at tony hinchcliffe dot com. this is going to be my last stretch of the stand-up tour for the rest of 2024. it's all just performing in austin and kill tony from there. so hope to see you soon.

how did you get it? how did you get it wrapped up? how did you wrap them up back up? huh, how'd you get them wrapped back up? do what.

how'd you wrap them back up? you put the notes in there, and how do you say that a little slower? i swear, i can't understand you. i swear, forget it. don't matter.

who the fuck are you? why were you trying to give me advice on that shit? man, these, these motherfuckers paint the way. so i want, i want, i want. okay, okay, i didn't, i didn't, are you mad?

no, i fucking loved it. okay, thank you for bringing it up. thank you, i apologize, bring it up, i do it to everyone. so maybe i need to stop. yes, but i'm never gonna stop.

you know, we started doing kill tony here at vulcan a couple years ago. this is officially our last uh scheduled taping here at this venue. ladies and gentlemen, at the same time i present to you tim dillon and rosanne bar.

does it get to say this fucking podcast is making me faint.

yes, jim norton, one of the best in the world, the great whitney cummings and the motherfucking machine burt kreischer hold up. one of the sopranos got something to say you look like lizzo dressed like suge knight for halloween.

hey, this is coming to you from acl live at the moody theater here in austin texas for a brand new episode of kill tony. give it up for tony hitchcliff.

10 fucking years. who's ready to party?

i'm not retarded, but i like rocks.

joey hinchcliffe, my mother, everybody put your fucking hands together. greg fitzsimmons and dave smith. everybody austin zone, tom sagura and joe rogan.

and david. tell, ladies and gentlemen, and this is stavros halkias everybody.

mark norman.

post malone meet roast malone. what's up, boy? your ass look like an unemployed crocodile.

no dancing. no, yeah, at least do the running man. look man, come on.

dr phil is out of control and i love it. you can call me the n-word. i was just gonna say you could type it out. i hope he does, because technically it's not him saying it. i've always wanted to meet a white, black guy.

fuck it who's got perks in here.

you and shane are doing perks tonight. i've never done them, but i'll do them with you, dude. a year and five months down the drain. uh, thanks to christian shane gillis here. uh, god invented perks.

that is true, on the fucking on the eighth day. that's why he was sleeping, dude.

i've been working on a tony hinchcliffe impression. would you, would you like to hear it? i would love to hear your tony hinchcliffe impression. okay, here we go. i've been spending a lot of time thinking about some of the things i've said and i now realize words can hurt, even kill.

going forward, i intend to donate 50 percent of everything i make to black.

by the dawn's early light. what so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming, whose broad stripes and bright stars were so gallantly streaming.

hey, this is red man coming to you live from an arena here at the hgb center in austin texas for a brand new episode of kill tony, give it up for tony hinchcliffe.

yeah, make some noise for brian red band, ladies and gentlemen.

yippee-doo-dah fucking day, the number one live podcast in the fucking world. amazing, holy shit here in beautiful austin texas. how we feeling tonight. everybody you ready for this shit. here we fucking go.

how about one more time for the best goddamn band in the land? everybody, oh gee. band member, the great jetski jesse johnson on the fucking trumpet, on the trombone, paul diemer, everybody. michael gonzalez on the drums, the great james atkins on percussion.

make some noise for dane on the keyboards everybody.

matt muelling on the electric guitar. john d's on the keys.

and the great and powerful d motherfucking madness on his bass guitar. oh my lord. everybody is in position make some noise for the great ryan j ebell been drawing every episode since the very beginning, originally from texas, back for tonight with a blank fucking palette and austin's own, chris rogers, with a big bright white board of nothing they draw throughout the episode. everything is in position. we're fucking pumped before we start tonight's episode.

oh yeah, shout out to the red rose, the yellow rose, connect, mobile health, iv drips, austin security guard service, ninja buses.

com and all of our other amazing sponsors, including the great people over at gel blaster. here's a little bit more from the other sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. the sunset strip comedy club in austin, texas, is now open. check out red band secret show every thursday. go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

ladies and gentlemen, your guests tonight literally literally the most requested guest duo ever in the history of the show, and they've never been on together. before i present to you the best booking i could possibly do, make some noise for matt mccusker and shane gillis.

oh yeah, baby, let's fucking go, shane gillis.

shane gillis. welcome back my friend austin's own shane gillis.

and matt mccusker. hey, austin's own matt mccusker.

two of the best. uh, moved here. you guys know what the fuck's up. matt, it is your first time on the show, but i think you get the gist of it. a shit ton of people signed up for tonight's show.

they're scattered all around the arena. there's also an entire section of them. right there. we have that light. we have that crazy comedian light freaks.

there they are. look at them. there's some familiar faces. look at jolly mike eaton. up there there's some fucking celebrities up there, some ugly ass, motherfuckers too.

holy shit, yeah, unbelievable. what a bunch of section of rapists. look at the fucking vitamin d deficiency going on up there. holy shit. anyway, if i pull their name out of the, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

you know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

that's red band's first fuck up of the night. everybody. mark it on your bingo card. mark it on your fucking bingo card. we are four minutes into the episode and he has failed at a job in which he's done for 10 and a half years.

right in front of your biggest episode of our lives, literally the first fucking button he had to hit. oh my god, it's unbelievable. but they have to wrap it up after that 60 seconds. and, by the way, last night it was a little bit chaotic. audiences were starting to boo throughout some people's terrible sets.

my recommendation for tonight is save the booing for the when the 60 seconds is up, when they're done, and then let's hear you pop in your fucking thoughts and beliefs, because it kind of fucks some shit up turns out at 400 out of fucking 8 000 people hate somebody. it kind of fucks everything up. anyway. they have to wrap it up after the kitten or they bring out the angry west hollywood bear. who is real tonight?

everybody. it's a real thing. he's live in the flesh. oh no, i have no dildos to throw at him. normally i have to throw a dildo to get him away.

i shoved him all up my ass. that's that's joe rogan.

no, you know who it actually is. take off the helmet, show yourself.

come on. it's not that big of a reveal, it's enrique chacona. what's up, motherfucker? wow, look at the popper, enrique.

fuck. yeah, all right, get back there. there he goes, enrique chacon.

okay, we're gonna pre-pull a name right. yeah, that's on the other side of the fucking arena, section 107. no, they're gonna get them, that's good.

we're gonna start the show with a fucking bang, shall we everybody?

now, normally, how many of you guys are diehard fans of the show? okay, all right. so normally you may know that normally we start the show with the great and powerful hans kim, but if you're following along, you know that tonight is that fucking night. so we have decided to slide the battle, obviously between hans and rick, to a little bit later in the show, but we're gonna start it with a fucking powerful force, one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, an absolute fucking sensation. ladies and gentlemen, this is the one and only cam patterson.

i brought my white bitches.

i like dry pussy. well, that went not the way i was expecting it to go. that's it.

the ending was bad, but the beginning was strong, with the white bitches, absolutely no, it was great cam patterson. everybody, fuck yeah.

a brand new pair of white nikes. come on. i stole these earlier, hell yeah, from a fucking power line.

cam, a fantastic uh way to start the show. how does it feel? going first instead of in the middle? i feel bad for hans and i like the middle spot and that's easy. yeah, you know what i'm saying.

all i want to say is real shit. uh, uh, hans, finna beat the fuck out of rick ds. oh shit, damn man, oh shit, nigga, fuck rick ds. nigga, the betting line. the betting line did change.

today, hans is a minus 400 favorite. it is increased in hans's favor. yeah, man, fuck that fucker, that nigga, rick ds. man, he a bitch. hey, i got, i got, i got, i got a hundred thousand dollars on hans.

oh shit, tony. let me borrow a hundred thousand dollars real quick.

i got a million on hans, so i'll let you borrow it afterwards. say less, nigga, fuck rick ds, i kill him all right. what's that? these people you're, you're. you're corrupting the vote.

it's the audience that decides. give a damn about that, nigga.

oh shit, i fucking love it. gang violence, nigga. yeah, yeah, just who's the black vote ruining another election?

this shit crazy, nigga, what the fuck that's you up there, buddy. hey, that's insane, bro.

you do. it is. it is incredible. you look like. uh, you look like some kind of ghetto teddy bear.

not exactly sure. where do you get a jogging suit like that? oh fuck, they would love if i remember what it was called.

yeah, i got that shit today and i was like ah, i don't know where that shit from. i like it, though, send me some more, please. they gave it to you for free. yeah, okay, they ain't know what i was doing today. they had no idea.

hell yeah, i think it's from rainbow. no bad, one dumb dog is that from rainbow? first remark stupid, bad as hell. they don't like it. they don't like me either right now.

so we even you're doing just fine, camp. uh, anything else. what else is going on? man, oh shit, just running around doing shit like that. my mama here, what's up?

my how you doing? hell yeah, is your dad here now? he ain't getting to make it, but he's watching somewhere and shit, that is the blackest thing possible. your dad comes to all the janky shows that we do on the road and which is crazy. yeah, shit is insane, bro.

well, look at the camera, tell him something. hey, what's up? oh, that's too easy. i'm gonna pass on that one.

i love it, cam, i love it. we've come so far. yeah, i wouldn't be here without one person. yeah, two people with three people, four people. i got a lot of shout outs, but shit, you know, i'm saying god, my mama.

and uh, you know my mentor, you know saying david jolly put a big part, the great david jolly. he's out here working somewhere, isn't? he is david around, david jolly, you around here send him up.

you guys want 60 seconds from david jolly. let's go, david.

i don't know what the fuck a jigaboo is. i can't even get mad at that word. you know what i mean. that shit sound like a term of endearment. if i walk out here right now and an old white man walk up to me and say hey, how you doing today, jigaboo, i'm gonna say well, jigaboo to you, good sir.

because i don't know what the fuck it means. you can't hurt me with that word. you know, if you ask me, i think we should put that word in, like the kids game or something, and if they like it, we just roll with it. you know what i mean like. let's put that motherfucking pokemon.

i choose you jigaboo, some big black motherfucker. come out, crip walking and shit, fucking throwing game signs.

david, that was a fantastic set. you're absolutely killing it. it is incredible to think that just a couple few years ago in minneapolis, a police officer at his boy you ain't shit.

shit. yeah, i love you, david jolly. you guys ever seen anything quite like? uh, david jolly before. they're my partners, man, they're my brothers.

yeah, i fuck with them, boys, i see them all the time. yeah, yeah, especially matt, that's my dog there. man, we like cousins. you feel me, you guys, it's a family thing, you don't look alike. yeah, we do.

we both like. yeah, you know, i'm light-skinned, hell yeah. tell him to pull his pants down here. hell yeah. man.

well, a great way to get the fucking show started. i love it, david jolly and cam patterson, everybody. and now the bucket begins. it's fury. last night, the first bucket pull was a young lady that had never done stand-up before and did not prepare whatsoever.

she got lit the fuck up. how many of you were here last night? amazing, amazing. well, here we go. your first bucket bowl of the night from section 107.

roby seed eight. we wrangled up. oh wait, make some noise for the fucking bucket. pool girls tonight. yellow rose.

hell yeah, i love you, i love you. shane is in love. i love you, i care about you. look at, i could treat you so well, come here, come here.

make some noise for your first bucket bowl of the night, cameron.

oh shit.

hey, what the fuck is up, austin. oh, brian holtz me sold me a shirt in the parking lot but didn't have any fucking pants.

i drove here from minnesota saw a lot of weird signs i kept seeing watch for ice on bridge, watch for ice on bridge. why are there so many mexicans on the fucking bridge?

how's dayton going? dayton's weird. there's only two types of girls that are into me. there's the ones that, uh, drive a minivan and there's the ones that drive a hearse. good thing for me.

they both look the same from the back.

they have some key differences. one screams put babies in me, the other one screams i work at planned parenthood. either way i'm stuck with one of those fucking baby on board signs.

still hot, but no pants. thank you.

wow, what the fuck. first time comedian ever. i love it. that was my next question.

yeah, imagine for real. imagine doing heroin and then getting up in front of an arena. this is literally like jimi hendrix shit just sells the skulls of his friends after they overdose.

this is incredible. why do you have tits?

i'm fat, fucking. post out malone. oh no, oh, jesus christ, what is that tube for? what is that? i'm diabetic, oh god, you are disgusting and you have extremely ashy knees.

for some reason, i haven't showered in three days. i drove here. oh my god, imagine that, after the first two people that were on this stage, the ashy knee diabetic is this guy. oh yeah, would you have guessed that mark that on your kill? tony bingo cards?

holy shit. you look like if kid rock and crack rock had a baby. this is amazing. oh wow, holy shit. so minnesota, huh.

yeah, you've never done stand-up before, never before. then you made the drive for this. yes, you drove. yes, what kind of car? uh, hans, kim van, it's hooked up.

i got a bed. so what do you? you make a living working at this oddity shop? i do, wow, how much is the attraction of you? oh, it's my dog.

he's not here, but your dog didn't you know? i mean i'm white? i don't know. okay, you're what white? yeah, hell yeah, hell yeah, fuck yeah, yeah, hell yeah, brother, you got a lot wrong with you, but i'll tell you what.

you are still white, brother.

never give up my white brother. no, i'm kidding, give up.

so, cameron, obviously i was joking for real. don't give up. obviously, you were born and raised in minnesota. yes, sir, and you're a fan of the show. yes, sir.

so you've seen a lot of interviews on this show. what would we be really surprised to know about you? the fact that you work at an oddity store would be my first guess. yeah, yeah. so tell us more about you.

what would we be surprised to know? you accidentally revealed that you're diabetic as fuck. uh, yeah, i got toes missing from being diabetic. wow, yeah, that sucks. no, michael, no, you don't get to queue up.

i'll show you it's fucked up. is it all right? show us who gives them. oh my god, wait a second wait. put your fucking foot flat.

he had a penny in his shoe. a penny came out of his shoe. oh my god, i did find that penny today. that was the good luck. that's good luck.

and now you're here. you're becoming a superstar. pick that shit up, was it heads or tails?

that's heads, it's heads, it's tails. i literally had a pinky toe removed. yo, throw that penny in the crowd. throw that penny in the crowd. yeah, dude, i don't know where the penny is right there.

oh, someone tried to catch it. that's a shocking maneuver. someone literally jumped up and tried to catch the gay guy tried to catch it. he missed.

you have a girlfriend, cameron? i do. yeah, where'd you meet her? at a bar, but 10 years ago you're lying you met it on tinder, reconnected. you met her in a fucking tent.

yeah, that's what they're calling the methadone clinic, now the bar.

tony. sorry, sorry, i thought we were allowed to have fun. dude, i didn't know you guys were gonna be fucking gay. we're not allowed to make fun of dudes for doing heroin anymore, is this not the united states? heroin and diabetes is a fucking wild mix.

dude, i love your fucking. i love it. i love what you're up to. dude, for real, i support you a hundred percent. are you treating your diabetes at all?

sometimes it seems like you eat a lot of fucking bread. tony, he has ghosts in his knees and they don't look good like. look at them, they're sick. look at the faces in those knees. yeah, okay, very good, red band.

thank you, red band. don't be fucking mean, dude, this is an epidemic. this is a real life thing that's affecting our entire country and nobody's doing anything about it other than kill tony, bringing him on stage. that's right, that's right. he's just joking around.

dude, you're doing great, thank you, man. dude, that bitch, i went up first last night. oh, that grinded my gears so bad. it did. oh yeah, because, prepare, okay, first time, comedian, funny, right, obviously, fuck yeah, fuck yeah, be funny, there you go, honey.

thank you, cameron, you fucking nailed it. dreams really do come true. you did it a sweet success. the diabetic cameron taga rude, our first bucket pull of the night. hell yeah, that was fucking wild.

okay, you guys having fun yet

it's time for your second bucket. pull of the night representing section 122, row g. make some noise for jefe flores hat. ladies and gentlemen, jefe flores hat, oh la la.

oh shit, i'm on big tony.

i'm finding out i'm not the smart father. um, i'm dumb. my daughter called me sped the other day. i looked at her like sped. the fuck does that mean?

walked away. next day i asked her you need any help for homework. she goes no, i'm good, i go, she goes, you're sped, and i go sped. i looked at her, walked away again. i went back to her.

i said what does sped mean? i'm fast. i know i'm fast, she goes. nah, she walks away. i look at her.

i go. look, i'm fast. i try to run. she goes. nah, means you're retarded.

i was, oh shit, you might be right. uh, that's my time.

no, you cocksuckers, another one you got. you got any more bangers in the chamber?

that sucked, dude. welcome to another episode of big tony.

do you know where you're at? no, i know i watch your show all the time. i was just being silly for sure the throwaway. it's crazy. i thought that was funny and then it all went downhill from there.

okay, relax, comedian section. have you done stand-up before my first time? what made you choose tonight to start? well, i've been a big fan of your show for the longest time. that hell i'm not gonna be.

no pussy. put my throat, my hand in the bucket. what, oh yeah, throw my name in the bucket. hey, good call.

told you. she calls me sped. okay, yeah. and how old are you? 37, you might be retarded.

i told you you're 37, 37, you're joking, not lying seriously, seriously, no, promise you. you have your id on you. yes, let me see that fucking thing. what year were you born? 86, oh my god, i believe you stop, put it away, put it away, put it away.

oh my god, you are the oldest looking 36 year old camera guy. can you zoom in on this guy's fucking demented face? look at this. why are you so gray? yeah, you look like red band's grandfather.

you look the same, can't say nothing. did you see a ghost or something like what happened? what happened in your life that made you age a tremendous amount? you literally look like sean connery bloated right now. i've been through some shit.

tell us about it. uh, big fan of the show.

nervous. um, i bet you well had a daughter at 23 years old, so time wasn't really. it wasn't really on my shit. and then just having a kid. god damn dude, keep going, keep going.

fuck all these people. dude, tell us your story. not just wasn't on my shit, so just had a lot of stress. you just had a, but you just were stressed. baby, you had a bad life.

yeah, kind of, that's all right, it's gonna turn around, definitely. how about now? is it still stressful a little bit? what's the most stressful part of your life? just answer honestly.

um, right now i take care of my parents. oh, you're latino. yeah, latin. yeah. how do you guys feel about booing now?

yeah, who me now, motherfucker? well, don't get cocky.

they're gonna boo. here you go, jefe, congratulations. your first time doing on the catches tonight. you caught that like a diabetic trans dude from minnesota. there he goes, jefe, everybody.

well, it's time for one of the special treats. ladies and gentlemen, doing a minute tonight, you're not gonna fucking believe it, but this man is coming fresh off of being awarded the 2023 guest of the year. this is a brand new minute from your very own, dr, phil.

austin, how we feel make some motherfucking noise. if you're having a good time, i know i am. i'm fired up. clap you, piece of shit. thanks for coming out.

happy new year. i've never done stand-up before, so bear with me. hans kim uh has great one-liners. i'm just talking about the slits. he calls his eyes all right.

what else we got here? wrote some stuff down.

okay.

hans kim looks like if a scream mask was asian. i thought that was pretty funny, also true, which is why it's funny. hit me with something, mike there. it is what else we got.

hans looks like he has genital fried. lice sounded funnier on the drive over moving on.

hans looks like he comes to the ad before the porn starts. i think we've all. we've all done that. shane there. it is okay, connecting, i'm connecting and then creating friendships.

uh hans, uh, what else? i don't know. i just i just wrote fuck hans here.

ran out of ink. i still haven't forgiven hans for breaking up the beatles. i think we all, uh.

yeah, one more time, mike. thank you so much. let's move on to rick. diaz. rick is, uh, also here tonight.

i can't. are you guys excited for that showdown, by the way? good mother, fucking god, i can't fucking wait. uh, rick, you know his delivery is so dry. i'm always like.

what style of comedy is that hans girlfriend's pussy like what? why is it so dry? it's got to be a pussy is what i mean by that.

uh, rick looks like he has a cerebral palsy lot, which means it's all the looks with none of the parking spots. that's funny, rick. you're so frail. you look like what happens when a woman gets pregnant by pre-com. all right, that made me laugh.

that was good. i'm a fan of that one. i'll probably say that again to myself tonight. most people don't know. i played college football, uh, but it wasn't that impressive.

it was before blacks were allowed in the league. so okay, that one split the audience. that's on me. what else? what else?

all right, i asked ai to write a joke for me. do you guys want to hear it? i thought because, look, life is all about choices and sometimes we don't, uh, back up the choices we make and we need a little help. so i thought i'd ask ai. and this is what ai came up with.

this is ai, not me. uh, dr phil ai wrote backstreet boy, nick carter's sister was just found dead. uh, only one year after his brother aaron's death. when asked how he felt about the situation, nick said i want it that way. so that's what ai said.

that's an ai joke. you can google it. suck my dick and fuck my butt. all right, i wrote that that wasn't ai. i added that just in case it didn't go over well, but it did.

moving on. david lucas, uh, looks like he fucks with his shirt on to cover his sports bra. that's pretty funny, david lucas. uh, what can i say about david lucas? that his downstairs neighbors haven't screamed at their ceiling already.

n-word, n-word, n-word. um, david looks like he sniffs a girl's underwear just to see what she ate last. that's funny, my there, it is right on cue, mike.

a couple more, then i'll go. uh, i'll brush my teeth or, i don't know, suck my own dick, all right, what else we got? david looks like a police sketch that was drawn with coal. i think we've all, uh, seen what coal is, so we know why that one works.

david looks like his favorite position. uh, is front of the buffet line.

how am i doing so far? okay.

i think that's it. thank you so much. you guys are a lot of fun, appreciate you? wow, wow, four minutes, 38 seconds of thunder and fucking lightning, riding the wave of last night's guest of the year given to him by the actual fucking dr phil. shout out to dr phil.

shout out to me. that was fucking insane. that was. yeah, what a legend. the real phil yep, absolutely fucking incredible.

that was an unbelievable set, dr phil, you really attacked a lot of the regulars. absolute, incredible performance. how did you practice for this? well, in front of the mirror, uh. but also, i feel like most things, uh, that you want to achieve at a high level should be done in front of the mirror.

uh, whether it's uh. comedy or uh. racism, you know, i do want to say i, uh, i couldn't have done it without the support of the kill. tony fans, you guys are maybe the best fans in all of comedy, and i mean that. that's why i said it, and i want to say something real quick.

it's an honor to be on this stage for a variety of reasons, but i'm a big fucking fan of shane and madge. so one more time for those fucking legends. shane is a great example of overcoming adversity. snl said no, but guess what the people said let's fucking go. that's right, let's fucking go.

way to time that out. fellas, that was fucking sweet. every comedian wants to fucking hit one of those. let's try it one more time, just for good measure.

okay, okay, little late, little late, little late, we'll get it six. dr phil, how are you enjoying austin texas? austin's fun, you know, i went to college at midwestern state. uh, got my b.a there, got my master's at, uh, another college. i just fucking.

but, uh oh, university of north texas is what it says on my wikipedia. yeah, yeah, green, who mean green? yep, there it is, that's right anybody. uh, go to university of north texas.

okay, hold on fucking retards. yeah, you fucking losers, that was a joke. you fell right into our trap, you fucking dumb fucks. where are you going, sir, to get a drink? okay,

yeah, wrong way. we're all gonna watch you as you leave.

i haven't seen somebody. do that move in a while, you know. he gave me that and then he turned it into a beverage and fucking okay, where'd that come from? okay, i do need to tell you the edibles have kicked in. so if you do that again, i'm gonna fucking have a seizure salad.

by the way. okay, little scenario for you. my wife and i. we like to mix it up. okay, we'll do things a little differently sexually sometimes.

was that you red band. somebody else has their own sound effects in the audience. i think that was that guy, that guy hitting his head against one of these rails.

that was funny. yeah, he probably. yeah, that guy fucking sucks. no, but uh, robin and i, we, uh, we try to do something different. i'll try to surprise her in the bedroom.

i think, after 30 plus years, you got to just make it exciting, right? so now, when i come, i play. uh, give it to me ready. well, i'll show, i'll set it up, so i'll be getting ready to come. and then you hit that when you feel like i'm.

when i'm done, come, does it? does this make sense? all right, here we go. oh fuck yeah, here we go. here we go.

it's about to happen and it's happening.

okay, we'll probably edit this off the youtube stream.

happy to be here, tony. he's behind. he's behind.

oh shit, oh shit. the crowd, you and the band are in sync. so it's been a dream of mine. uh, we all have dreams. you know, tony, before you were a comedian, what was your true passion as a young boy?

in young guys? dicks, i'm a bitch. it still is my passion. uh, your real dream. be honest with me.

um, ice cream man? yeah, yeah, okay, i wanted to be a comedian. let's go always from the get-go. yeah, i love that. well, i want to be a rapper, and i've never.

i did, and i never thought i'd be up on a stage in the best city in the world with the best comedy fans in the world and have an opportunity to fucking lay down something real quick. do you guys mind if i freestyle rap and then i'll get the fuck out of here? i'm gonna need a little bit more support than that. do you mind if i freestyle rap for you? guess in a year, get the fuck out of your fucking seat for me.

then show some goddamn respect. that's what i'm talking about. that's what i'm talking about. 2023 was fun, but 2024 has just begun. kill tony live is the move tonight.

gays and jews are gonna have a good time. tony hinchcliffe created a beast while brian redman dealt with his yeast infection. erection election fake news.

real booze. we're gonna get fucked up tonight.

we're gonna get fucked up tonight. we're gonna drink all the drinks, we're gonna smoke all the. we're gonna get fucked up tonight. you know why? because austin is the best and hans kim's pay for sex.

hans loves the pussy, he loves the feet, he loves the crack and you know what it is. we'll be.

oh my god. oh, oh my god, he's in the zone, oh shit, oh shit, oh yeah baby.

holy shit.

wow, thank you so much, allison, i love you so much. enjoy the rest of the show. oh, kill tony till i die. i love you so much. oh, robin, turn on the microwave.

i got mashed potatoes in the car. good night everybody.

holy shit. make some noise for dr phil. oh my god, unbelievable. holy shit, jesus christ. unbelievable, but that for real, yeah, that was unbelievable.

world-class class who has to follow that? a bucket pull has to follow that everybody. and this is the first one out of the comedian section. you can light it up. no section, no rows, no seats.

make some noise for your first comedian out of the comedians tonight. they go by the name of shiva avi, everybody. shiva avi, we got movement up there. oh, here we go, shiva avi making his way to the stage. hey look, it's one of the og red rose girls, the great kaylee, everybody.

oh, hell yeah, from back in the day she used to clean the microphone. during the pandemic at anton's, they used to think that wiping the microphone was going to help prevent the spread of the airborne disease. everybody, the great people over at anton's, everyone, literally. if you've been there this year, kill yourself. do me a favor.

absolute virtue signaling garbage people, except for gary clark, jr. he's cool. make some noise for shiva avi, everybody.

hey, uh, a little bit about myself. uh, i am indian. uh, that's why i got that just waterboarded. look, do we have any indians here tonight? no, never enough.

uh, billion of us are not single coming to this show. i like it, i like being indian. uh, except for, uh, you don't really see a lot indian professional sports here, and i blame nike for that nike clothing, you know, because they made those sweatshops in india, which i know sounds harsh. but just hear me out. i'm just saying, guys, imagine being indian working for nike and then seeing that nike slogan day in and day out.

just do i.

t

it's a good joke. yeah, it's a good joke.

yeah, because if you don't know the nike slogan, it's just do it with a period at then. and what makes that joke, just a lecture funny, is that it just takes one more dot. all right guys.

shiva avi, this is your first time on the show. uh, yes, sir, yes, mr tony, yeah, don't do that. don't no sirs to fucking tony. okay, okay, fuck you, tony. yeah, you don't gotta be in uber black mode, dude.

welcome. how long you been doing stand-up? uh, eight years, eight years, yeah, uh, dallas, dallas, okay, dallas, texas, yeah, i love it, kind of moved back here, but, uh, living out of my car, kind of shit. so how does it feel? how's it going?

i used to do that when i lived in austin, like 10 years ago. uh, feels about the same. say you live, you live it out of your car. yeah, yeah, ooh, what kind of car? uh, nissan sentra, that's damn, that's the worst, it's pretty bad.

uh, what's your star rating, my star rating for uber.

i don't do it anymore, but it was it was. no, it was pretty good. it was pretty good. i gotta be honest where you eat. say again you don't shit where you eat.

oh yeah, definitely, i've ate where i shat. that's more my style. you know what i'm talking about fucking nice charcuterie board while you're taking a dump. uh yeah,

jetski jesse johnson saying that if he eats where he shits, then he doesn't uber eat yeah.

yeah, they wouldn't let me around people. uh, so no, actually i did more uber driving within the eat. yeah, that was, you actually did uber drive. yeah, i think every comic thinks it's gonna help them out and yeah.

come on man. no, you're right, you're right, you're right. yeah, it's. it's either this or terrorism, i guess. so we gotta pick one.

what is your ethnicity exactly? indian, indian, by the way. my name's shiva ari, shiva ari. oh yeah, that's a r. your r looks like a v.

yeah, it's actually not even my real last name. my real last name's chaudhary, but you know, imagine chocolatey.

whatever you say, mr kiltoni, i love it. way to fucking obey, god damn right, and you look like the actual obey, uh.

logo piece of art. good one, good one, that was good.

you got me. no, pakistan is in the bag. when i grow up, i will be pilot for pakistan. grape, i totally got what you're saying. man, yeah, you couldn't hear.

you couldn't hear what i said. no, no, i had. no, it was. uh, it's a youtube video of, uh, pakistani kids getting fired up. i don't want to do it.

don't make me do it, do what. i don't want you to do that. i thought that's what you're trying to make me do. no, no, i don't want you to do anything. okay, don't detonate.

i think for real. i think, i think, i think for real. you were very great and you've been very funny so far. thanks for real. where do you park your car at?

uh, there's a places i get around. um, a lot of east of uh, seventh street. there's some places. uh, go further up. i also live in dallas, so if things get too hairy, three hour drive, it's not insane, and you know i could.

i mean, does anyone have a place? anyone? there's a lot of people here. i could use a job also. uh, what?

what are you qualified in? what could you possibly do? what's your work history, other than i did a little audio engineering? but it's been mainly, uh, stand-up. for the past eight years, i used to work at a comedy club and stuff like.

so, yeah, what club, hyenas? oh, i love. yeah, yeah, great club, great club, yeah, yeah, absolutely, you probably worked with a guy that once tried to cancel me, pung dung. yeah, i fucking know, yeah, how you say his name.

no one will ever need to know.

that was respect. that was a respectful gum. yeah, yeah, we were kind of part of the same class. yeah, i was in the. i saw all that.

do you hate him or do you love him? i don't, i hate him, i hate him. do you sell it? i don't really care. classic ceno-indian conflict.

say again classic ceno-indian conflict. yeah, you guys are fighting over the border right now. yeah, in that case, i don't like them. yeah, yeah, you know, they're fighting each other with like fucking, not weapons the china indian border. they're like.

they're like fighting each other with happy meal toys. yeah, well, they got like electric tridents that they're fucking stabbing with each other. it's crazy.

i got it. thank you. what were you waiting? jump in here, jump in here. i love any special skills or talents before i let you go, other than i can, i can play guitar pretty decent.

one of the backing, i don't know really. i need a pick, but like good eye sniper.

it's up to matt mulling air guitar.

yo, please, do you guys want to see him play guitar?

that's a good cheer, but if you don't want to see him play guitar, boo.

here he goes. he's loading it up fucking.

look at this rip dude.

look at this bread, zeppelin, everybody. this is incredible. it's amazing. oh hell yeah, that shred melt my face. but those of you just listening in the podcast, he's so overweight that the guitar goes up to his chin.

i'm making do with what i got. yeah, fuck them, dude, don't worry about being overweight, dude, you look beautiful. yeah, all right, that's enough chord. let's see what he has.

can i get like a backing track? you like jam with the band? that's, that's more what i do. yeah, i can. yeah, i get knocked down.

just something, just something in, like a minor like that, a minor. enough about your sex life. all right, come on good one. hey, hey, it was. it was two minors.

okay, play the fucking guitar, turn it up.

sing, sing. you gotta sing. yeah, yeah, sing something. i don't wanna fucking do this anymore.

fuck you guys. he did good at stand-up. he did good at stand-up.

ah, the first catch of the night. oh, come on man.

nice shit.

oh my god.

oh my god. oh my god. matt mccoskey, all day, all day fucking sit down gay guy.

my bad, for real, my bad, i couldn't hear myself play. i know you left your body. yeah, oh, whatever, that sucks. no, he ripped. yeah, pentatonic minor blue scale.

no big deal, shiva, you play guitar like a guy that lives in his car. yeah, yeah, there's no amp to plug into. no, it's just me. all right, you're done. goodbye, my friend shiva ari.

everybody the kill. tony debut. uh, shiva ari, being nasty, you're being nasty. uh-huh, you're being a little nasty. i thought he did.

well, i can be that way sometimes i don't want you to be. i'm gonna be nasty right now, because this is one of the newest controversial characters of the show. up until last night, i thought everybody loved him. he talked about a meteorologist, female meteorologist, big tits, and two guys in the back of the room started to boo because they love big tits and he thought that they were billing him because of his set. but he was doing fine.

the room turned into a panic. he said fuck you to the whole room and they turned against him. but i'm excited to see a new minute from truly a guy that's been one of my favorite comedians for 17 years. he used to close the main room of the comedy store. he's a fucking legend.

we're lucky to have him. your favorite comedians, favorite comedian, make some noise for the great and powerful brian holtzman. everybody live in a fucking arena redemption.

she could eat all the crackers she wants in bed. i'm not gonna kick her the fuck out of bed.

happy new year. we got a new year coming up 2024.

and i'm just hoping you, ladies out there, will stay in your fucking lane this year.

why are you even in the fucking gym lifting fucking weights?

what are you doing? some kind of vagina push-up. get the fuck out of the gym.

you come back in the gym, i'm gonna rape you.

they're moving chains, they're fucking up in the booth, they're on the field. lay on your back and just take it. get your hair done, get your nails done, lay on your back and get fucked. what's wrong with that?

only kidding. i'm just trying to get laughs. you fucking bitch, yeah, take me serious bitch.

they all want to be police chiefs. uncle bob was a police chief, granddad was a police chief, was a police chief, a whole family of police chiefs, and then some fucking dyke wants to be a police chief at this fucking high.

where's the police chief? oh, there she is.

you want to be firemen. we used to measure our dick in the firehouse on tuesday night.

potluck measuring our dicks and then some fucking dyke wanted to be a firefighter.

when she gets to the moon, complain, i'm not getting out of the moon house, it's too cold. i'm not going. what's going on here? there's no shopping on the moon. the worldwide, uh, the worldwide, um law enforcement worldwide has come up with a new interrogation technique.

it's called flat screen interrogation.

what they do is they get the person maybe a bitch like that.

and they get the person they want information from and they bring in that flat screen tv and they show women's fucking basketball.

the person will give you all the information in the world to shut that shit off.

why would you watch women's basketball if you can watch men's basketball?

like going to a whorehouse and jacking off in the lobby.

wow, i fucking love it. true diabolical edge. the great brian holtzman doing what he does best shock and awe.

i love it, brian. do you have like nieces and nephews and stuff? do you have like kids in your family, where it's like that's my uncle? everybody knows family is overrated. your little family can fuck itself.

you weren't related. you would never hang out with these fucking.

you are the fucking man. i love you. thank you so much for sharing your unbelievable art with us. can we see how loud this place can get for one of the all-time fucking late night greats? brian holtzman, come on.

that lady's clapping. ah, he turned it around with her one or over. in the end, all right, another bucket poll has to follow another legend. make some noise for your next comedian, david perez. ladies and gentlemen from the comedian section.

but i believe they wrangled him. maybe i don't know, we get him already, david perez. oh, here he comes down this stairway, david perez. oh no, here's david perez. okay, make some noise for david perez.

everybody, you're definitely not david perez, mike. yeah, i'm mike mike pack. is that right me what you said, mike packer? is that the right name? well, fuck it, dude, you're here.

you got that dumb ass shirt. oh, we got him out of order, okay.

what's your name? my name is mike pack. okay, well, we went out of order. it's okay. we went fuck.

i'm david perez. okay, okay, mike pack, jesus christ, you'll be next. my producer's fucked up. we pre-pulled the names and we went out of order. it's okay, come on, guys, you guys got this.

come on team. i don't like i try to steal your job. yep, it's okay. we pre-pulled names because mike pack was from floor one row, e14. so it took a while to get to him.

but here you are, ladies and gentlemen, the guy that was actually pulled first. you got to get it in order. guys, make some noise for david perez. everybody. perhaps i fucked it up, by the way, maybe it wasn't the producers.

maybe i fucked that up. so how about one more warm reception for david perez, everybody? yeah, heb, yes, you guys like bill gates.

boo? right, well, you know, we just need to get everybody vaccinated as soon as possible, and then my pockets are going to fill up. i'll keep that off the record, gerald. okay, what happened with uh, melinda? well, you know, melinda, once she found out that i went to epstein island, you know she, uh, you know, we had to cross ties.

yeah, okay, that's uh, bill gates in an.

oh shit.

i got a rainbow tattoo. you guys like rainbow tattoos.

yeah, uh, what about what if, uh, bill o'reilly was indian, like an indian guy? right, he's like we'll fucking do it live. don't fuck around. we'll do it live. there's no wills on there.

we'll do it live. okay, bro, have you done stand-up before? two years, two years, you've been doing it. boo this man. oh my god, that's the best minute you could come up with in two years.

i do impressions. i do impressions. you do impressions. yeah, let's see an impression. uh, let's see um.

you guys want to see something or not tonight? do you want to see some fucking stuff tonight or not? who's that? that's alex jones. oh you suck.

oh really, you suck here you go, bro, enjoy the process. i don't know about y'all, but i think destiny was, uh, working. it's working its path, because ever since i saw his face on that christmas sweater, i wanted to see our next bucket pool. i know it's gonna be compelling, no matter what. i don't think he's ever been on this show before, but this guy looks like he has committed some serious, serious crimes before he's out of the bucket representing floor one, row e.

make some noise for mike pack. ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted for mike pack. there we go, bucket pull number five. make some noise for heidi everybody.

thank you very much. uh, is this uh shirt too soon? or be cool, austin, all right, it's. uh. it's a good shirt because it's uh.

it's true, sad and fashionable, all at the same time, right.

anyway a little bit about myself. i i left the satanic cult ran by pedophiles after being in it for 25 years. in february 2nd 2019 i don't know if you guys are familiar with this cult it's called hollywood. you ever you ever heard of it? yeah, i worked there for 25 years, uh, as a tv producer.

now i expose it and i tried to go to a bar in hollywood recently and, uh, it was called hide and they wouldn't let me in because i got, you know, blacklisted and i said do you know who the fuck i am? and they go. uh, no, i go, well, neither do i. that's why i'm shopping for therapists. so they gave me a referral, which is nice.

so i just moved back to chicago.

i just moved back to chicago and, uh, i moved in with my best friend. we own it. we own a two flat. he's a jew and he's, and he just came out of the closet. he's being gay.

his pronoun is hebrew, if you've ever. oh, jesus christ, mike pack, mike pack. okay, bear, we got him, we got him. he's done bear, mike pack, have you done stand-up before? yeah, i did.

it was a long time ago. i used to open up for the late great screech from, say, by the bell, you're no, yeah, you used to open the screech yeah, in chicago, here and there.

wow, how many times did you open for screech? uh, like four or five times, and then i did some. i used to do audience warm-up for the jenny jones talk show in chicago when i was a producer there. oh wow, yeah, just here and there, but i got it. you got producer energies.

are you on full-blown right now? can't hear you? are you on some type of methamphetamine? oh god, no, are you taking you take any medicines at all? no, just look.

no, i just probably a little nervous. maybe. okay, i don't take any. no, i don't take any medicines. okay, you're nervous.

very good, and you, when's the last time you did stand up before i was at six? it's been a long time. okay, yeah, that's a long fucking time. yeah, that's a really long time. uh, almost 20 years.

yeah, it's been a long time. hell yeah, yeah, but i'm a huge fan, huge fan of the show. met you in milwaukee. you met me in milwaukee. yeah, i think, do you remember?

uh, west hollywood, are you starting a conversation?

in west hollywood. whoa, we were neighbors. yeah, kyle, you worked at the starbucks by me, and remember that you went to the starbucks. yeah, 2007, you're going. you're going to be a venti, not a lard.

i used to work at the starbucks while i was working at the comedy store because they used to cut my hours. they wouldn't give me my full pay because the comedy store didn't make enough money back then. at the time. yeah, and uh, it was a different fucking era. in 2007, i stopped.

oh you go ahead, i stopped the big gay queen. go ahead whenever you want. i stopped a big gay queen from trying to beat you up in a, when you were managing that starbucks big gay guy tried to put you up what i told you about this in milwaukee. what i told you about this in milwaukee, i don't remember. you stopped a what some guy was trying to beat you up.

what type of guy? what type of guy? a big gay queen at the starbucks on in west hollywood. you remember, we talked about this milwaukee. no, i don't remember.

can you remind me? what did you do? what did you do in milwaukee? i'm about to find out. i literally don't fucking remember.

i know, i'm sorry, mike pack, i don't remember talking to you in milwaukee. don't let him be mean to you now, dude, he's being a bitch. it's just like the guy who sucked obama's dick. so you guys kiss, you guys kiss in milwaukee. excuse me, did you and tony big tony kiss in milwaukee?

no, i was. i was at a show and i was the only one. he he called out. i was wearing an american flag out hat and he called me a fag. i know that, i know.

i know you wear that american flag hat. you're not hiding anybody, you're not hiding from it, you're, you're gay, that's right. yeah, there you go, and then we hung out a little bit. i think i said it funnier, way better, and you just say and then we hung out. yeah, we hung out.

what are you? what are you talking about? the hotel, ask, ask, christian yoni. ask christian yoni, explain to me. oh, you were waiting in the lobby.

you were with somebody that i actually know. who were you with? uh, my gay friend, the gay jew friend. but how do i know? how do i know him?

oh, we, well, we met that we met. he met you that night. there's a fucking connection, though. there's a connection. yeah, and you're not saying a butt connection.

yes, i'm super gay. thank you, shane. yes, i buttfuck this guy. hold on, you don't understand why this is hilarious. yeah, totally no, i do all right.

so you met tony in a hotel lobby with your gay friend and then you guys hung out. we hung out in the lobby. how long did we hang out for? can you give me about 25 minutes? i hung out with you for 25 minutes, tom tom.

is that right tommy? gay, tommy, stand up. tell him were we with a large group of you you, i and tommy?

hanging around. he was there. you tied his shirt. what did we do? for 20, you guys were on fucking suck, tony christ.

no, we were talking about getting out of hollywood and i was telling you how i'm exposing it. now i'm exposing. so you guys were doing cocaine. come on in the lobby of a hotel in milwaukee. were you staying at that hotel?

yeah, i was staying at the hotel. i was just getting a drink down there and you were and i came up to you. there was a bar kind of drink. it was at a bar. it was of the hotel.

we were actually more like in the lobby, but yeah, at the bar. okay, yeah, all right, very good, this was a great fucking interview. great stuff, unbelievable stuff. i talked to you, tony. do you remember talking to me, tony?

we talked you fucking suck dude. yeah, you did.

there you go all right. now we have a special treat somebody that's ready to do comedy, a legend of the show. ladies and gentlemen, what what the fuck just happened there. we need a new mic, stan yoni, custom made for tonight, a one night use only. yeah, we're gonna get a new one up here.

how about make some noise for jetski everybody?

all right.

here's yoni. everybody look at the great yoni making dreams come true, the great and powerful. i hung out with them in a lobby once in milwaukee.

all right, you guys ready for a special fucking treat.

i think that niggas that fart with no pants on.

are gay as hell.

like why are you just out here? bare booty, farting, nigga. what the hell wrong with you. i got your booty vibrating and rumbling, nigga. what the fuck that shit.

weird as hell, it's gay.

and a lot of people say that's not gay, i'm like. well, technically it is because you just clapped your own cheeks.

i put some underwear on, put some pants on nigga. tony farts with no pants on that, nigga.

tonally actually farts in the shower. he wants it wet. all right, man, that's my time. thank you, david lucas. so you're literally not going to believe this.

i'm not kidding. i had a fucking extra large protein shake today and went to take a shower and took off my pants and fucking, bare booty farted in the fucking in my own. there's red band hit it. we have it. we have it.

we recorded it, red band, a master of his craft. that's what it sounded like. i, bare booty, farted today. tony, you look like a limo driver for gay niggas.

you're the one that's stretched black.

oh, let's fucking go. you think you're gonna get me in an arena. dude, you want this, you want this. oh, look at the focus. oh, look at the focus.

red man, you look like you just inherited willie wonka's factory, i wish, and you look like the chocolate factory.

oh, the focus in his eyes is incredible, today's literally.

i'd love to see it. you're ready, dude, tony, you work secret service for sissies.

only treddy's, get your service. you got a dick and a pussy. hey, bitch, i got you. yeah, sounds good to me. i'm the gay secret service.

what's happening, bro? this shit is amazing. make some fucking noise for david lucas, a legend of the fucking game, second, second, most sets in the history of the show, after my brother william montgomery. that's an absolute fucking legend. give it up for william.

in my opinion, the best kill tony comedian to ever touch this stage. matt mccusker, you look like macaulay culkin, grown up, nigga. your ass, your ass out here. 29, with gray hair, bitch. that shit crazy.

as a motherfucker, you shouldn't marry that black girl, nigga. she stretched your motherfucking ass out. where the fuck you at, dude.

i don't believe in that comedy shit. you need a real job, bitch. leave them black women to us niggas like me, bro, you don't need to build no black girl, bro, you, you don't treat our black queens right, bro. huh, you don't treat our black queens right. matt mccusker shane.

i love y'all niggas. y'all niggas, i'm glad y'all in austin. austin is new comedy capital of the world, baby, goddamn right, and you're a big part of it. one of the first people to move here. david lucas, retired with grace at the 10-year anniversary episode, gets to do a set anytime he wants, and we have a special.

uh video, we're gonna roll right now. yep, let's watch a video, david lucas. here we go.

oh shit, double david lucas. oh my goodness. pound for pound worth it twice, twice the name. oh, and we're back. that was it super son?

that was it. god works in mysterious way, y'all, niggas, prank me. it's your highlight, your highlight tape. shame don't you? look like you went to a black church last week and they gave you the ability to walk.

nigga, your ass, get up, you are healed. get out of that chair. david, i can't stop staring at your magnificent thigh gap. it starts at your knees, you fucking dumbass.

everybody look at his fucking disgusting legs. it is incredible. it looks like his legs grew in a swamp. they look like the two sticks that they measure first downs with at a football game. i know these three clansmen ain't trying to rouse me.

don't call us a clansman, dude. it's a motherfucking compliment. you had a tiki torch four years ago. nigga your ass. oh, don't make me bring it out.

it does look like fucking fourth and short. ah, your legs look like fourth and short. you dumb fuck.

shane, get your motherfucking albino salamander looking ass up out of here. you want to talk skin. don't make fun of my skin.

matt, get your jason stater looking ass up out of here. nigga, what the fuck you look like. the hamburger helper gloves walking dude. get the fuck out.

show me what you're working with. you was in that little nas x video. nigga, i've seen you and you're gonna soda, pop that pussy.

ladies and gentlemen, the video for david lucas. here we go.

nigga, tony boy, you look like a gay clansman. nigga, put that hood on. well, well, i, basically, anytime i'm around you, i feel like a gay plan. well, you look like you look like a gay gallon of milk, nigga, your ass.

that shit full of semen, nigga. oh my god, why you put on white bitch. you about to get baptized. they tip that nigga in the water booty first boy. you're the only.

you were the only kid to get baptized with his t-shirt still on.

okay, your next comedian, getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds, goes by the name of david lucas. here we go. i knew i was from the hood because my mom bought us the hood version of monopoly and every space on monopoly was go to jail.

and hood monopoly. you start off with a light bill in your name, you know.

like damn. i just started playing. how the fuck i owe 1200 already.

hood. monopoly is fun. that's a fucking fun thing. it's a great joke. yeah, i appreciate it.

yeah, and how long you been doing stand-up? uh, i started when i was a teenager. so like nine years, i've seen you do, uh, quite a lot of roast battles. there was a period in time where you, you, were taking on a new person every week upstairs. it was like an open challenge.

congrats on a killer minute. i love that monopoly, but you nailed it there. he is david lucas. i was with this one girl who liked to be choked during sex and like we was fucking and i choked her and the bitch passed out and a nigga like me watched criminal minds and csi. so i'm like damn how i'm gonna throw these niggas off my case.

so i took her cell phone and i sent myself a text like where you at.

boom, that is exactly how it's done. uh, you're wearing a rocky shirt. is that? because, uh, the road is your favorite type of ice cream. look at tony looking like a nigga that michael jackson touched.

oh shit, oh shit. here we go. this, your shit. this killed tony. yeah, but right now it's david.

fucking lucas, you know what i'm saying. all right, absolutely, i need an agent. i need a manager. man, oh my god, to manage what your weight.

that's it. stop everything, ladies and gentlemen, david lucas has been, um has been, absolutely murdering on this show. david lucas is the new regular on kill, tony. he will be joining william montgomery on a weekly basis. it will be william montgomery and then david lucas until one of them pass away.

i don't tony look like he do valet at cheesecake factory.

i mean you would know what the valet guys at cheesecake factories look like.

bro, the hiv medicine got you turning red. nigga, what the fuck going on. oh my god.

are you wearing a selena shirt because you always get shot with insulin?

look like a christmas wrap dildo. all right, all right. how dare you you look like what santa puts in the stockings of the bad kids?

hahaha, you look like you host a game show called coming out of the closet. all right, all right. you look like you host a game show called meal or no meal.

i love you're wearing one of j leno's car covers here.

tony, you look like you drive limos for gay niggas. niggas, yeah, my limos are more stretched than your skin.

miss hitchcliff, how you feel having a sassy ass daughter.

you, son of a bitch. that shirt looks like a billboard for cool runnings. if it was worn by a guy that's never ran before in his life. oh my god, how did you find a belt that's bigger than your waist? like?

how do you have all that slack? it's long enough for you to hang yourself.

plenty of run. you're just jealous that i can hang myself, david lucas. ladies and gentlemen, i present to you david lucas and luna lucas, everybody. oh my god, wow, live in the flesh. i'm going to check in with our two-year-old guest to see what she thought about your set tonight, ladies and gentlemen, the great luna lucas.

i only roast tony in white guest. why is that? why do you only roast the white guy? because color people had it hard enough, man it's.

beating from a nigga joe de rosa. your forehead identify as a woman.

your forehead got a bbl. bitch your ass. hold this for a second. what is that? hold this, that's a regular size book.

you fat fuck.

professor hitchcliff in this bitch burke, christian, look like he smell like air freshener baloney. boy, get your money. hey, let them see your outfit, bro, let me see your outfit. you look like a kansas city easter bunny. nigga, this is motherfucking.

hey, you look like you take pizzas out the oven with no oven mitt. you, you look like you're in a gang, but you still read comic books under a blanket with a flashlight and tony. he looked like he. uh, do that thumb trick in front of kids. you know what i'm talking about.

yeah, you make it fun. he'll do that thumb trick. hey, y'all want to see something cool. when i was in high school, my mom was getting her gdd.

and now you're getting your kfc and tonight you're gonna get a bbc.

david's so busy on the road that he gets to do a spot on kill tony anytime he wants in the future. but this is officially his full-time retirement party right now, in front of you guys. we did it. we set the record for the most roasting between two people. hey hey, congratulations, what a run you've made on kill tony.

i'm proud of you, brother. it's good to be a friend, that's right. the third ever, only the third member ever of the kill tony hall of fame, joining michael ayer and william montgomery. here's, yoni, to present you with the third ever hall of fame.

fucking.

the great and powerful david lucas.

we tried to contact the. the goal was to have the guinness book of world records give us the title of the two people that have made fun of each other the most, but the people over at guinness world records are kind of gay.

oh shit, it's like a black church. he did it.

david, turn around. look at this fucking audience.

ah, nothing, nothing tries to.

Speech, speech, speech, speech, speech, speech.

I just want to say thank you for the Kill Tony family for supporting me.

Me and Tony have been roasting each other for numerous amounts of years. You guys have changed my life forever.

The support, the fans, the love you guys show at my shows. Make sure you come to a show.

DavidLucasComedy.

com, I got Kansas City, L.

A.

And numerous other cities, Canada, I'm everywhere. The great, the great city of Canada.

Oh, man, that's crazy. I just want to thank Tony, thank Red Band. We thank you, my friend. We absolutely love you. You have very much earned.

Not easy to do to go toe to toe. every week. You've taken more roast jokes than anybody in the history of the show. William and Michael Lair Hall of Fame members that have always been quite protected. You've literally shown your fucking, literally your thick skin.

You son of a bitch. I can still roast, even when I'm fucking emotional. You fucking fag. I've never seen you lose this much water weight.

Only time you lose weight is when a nigga take his dick out of your ass. You son of a bitch. Get out of here. You fucking sissy.

We love you, David. I'm surprised you didn't have RuPaul singing the national anthem. I tried to get him. I tried to get. I know you try to get that, niggas, or you can relate to somebody.

Amen. I love you all. David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen.

The newest and third ever, a very exclusive club, the Kill Tony Hall of Fame.

There's a lot of them.

David, I can't find my heart.

One more time for David Lucas, everybody. A legend of the game.

Unbelievable. A bucket poll has to follow that, ladies and gentlemen.

A normal human being has to follow. We have one of our ring girls coming. Keep this shit moving. We got a lot to get to. Still, you guys have energy left.

You guys well rested and ready to bring this thing down the home fucking stretch. Make some noise for a random bucket poll representing section 115.. It's Paxton Gobin, everybody. Make some noise for Isabel from the Yellow Rose. Thank you to Jonathan Joseph, the owner of the red and yellow.

Thank you. Loyal. One more time for Paxton Gobin, everybody. Come on.

Everybody, I'm from Indiana, the boonies, brownstown. I had to drive here with my family 17 hours all the way down. And well, first off, I have six, seven other siblings. So my dad's a bit of a man whore. And he days before we were about to come.

Oh, he ripped his dick in half. Fucking too much. And we thought he wasn't going to make it. Thankfully, he did. We made it all here, and.

Get, get into the hotel. We wanted to get some drugs and.

we wanted to get some drugs, and I paid the guys on Telegram. And I thought my brother went out to talk to the guy. We get out there. This guy is talking about how many times he's been shot and stabbed and dealing cocaine since he was eight in New York.