#659 - DAVID SPADE + DAVE ATTELL

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Fuck yeah!

Yippee! Yeah, you made it. Make some noise for Red Band, everybody.

That's the great, on the horns, Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo.

That's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, John D's on the keys right behind me, and, of course, the great and powerful D Madness on the bass guitar, everybody.

Before we get started tonight, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible for you.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets.

Who's ready to start tonight's fucking episode, huh?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Fuck yeah. You're in it tonight, motherfuckers.

Dave Attell, the new special Hot Cross Buns on Netflix. Thank you, Tony. Thank you, Tony. Welcome back, Dave. And there's no better place to pitch it than Austin, Texas.

Am I right, guys?

Truly one of the best in the world. Well, you know what? Next time you stroke me, please use some lube. All right, here we go. Oh, wow.

First joke of the show.

Yep. But tonight you're at Kill Tony. Right. I think I went in the wrong room, but I'm supposed to be at traffic school. No, thank you for having me, and this is going to be a great seven hours.

I cannot wait. Yes. We're going long. Ready to hear some jokes. We are going long tonight.

And, lucky for us, over 200 innocent souls have signed up for the opportunity. Wow, how many? 200 plus. Over 200.. They're all piled in at a bar next door.

The great Poor Choices here on 6th Street. And they've probably made some poor choices tonight, because some of them are wild. Anything can happen. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And that interrupts them. and then I interview them. We find out more about them and what they could be talking about or should be talking about. And that's how that goes.

We're pre-pulling the first name. And while they go, wrangle that person from across the street, we will start with one of our esteemed regulars, ladies and gentlemen. How many of you are fans of the show?

Tell me something, girl. Very cool. Hell yeah. All right. That was actually pretty good.

Folks, a lot of people say my body, my choice. But I always say somebody should be on the voice. I'm a very good singer. Okay. Cool.

Get real. I'm starving. Can I get a people's temple, please? Hell yeah. It's like a Shirley Temple, but Jonestown style.

So it's pretty cool. It's where they crush up a bunch of Vicodin and put it in a cup of flavor aid. And instead of dying, I live for the first time in my entire life. Come on.

Tell me something. Cool. Hell yeah. Get real. I used to swallow grapes whole until I was 12 years old.

And so, like three times a week, I would choke on grapes. Because that's how kings would eat grapes. in cartoons. They have a big bushel of grapes. So three times a week, my mom would run in my room and be choking on grapes.

And it's like Don Vito on Viva La Bay.

And she'd go, you're not a king. We love you. You're not a king. It's like love means nothing when it seeps from the lips of a harlot. Thank you, KC Rocket.

All right.

Another unbelievable performance. Absolutely weird as hell. I love the entrance. tonight. The old man turned into young man maneuver.

It's like a Willy Wonka thing. It's what I was trying to do. when Willy Wonka walks down the street. And oh, he can't walk. He's so scary.

And I'm young. It's me. I'm young. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't pick that up.

It's all right. A force of nature. The grapes thing. I mean, what is your writing process exactly?

Most of the time, I'll just remember, oh yeah, I used to swallow grapes whole. I was like, I guess that might. Maybe that's funny. It's kind of funny. No, it is.

It's true. Definitely funny. I've also noticed that you sing a part of a new song every week. And I love it. Is that a thing?

How do you decide what song you're going to kind of sing? Listening to my heart and trusting my managers and my agents.

Down the grapevine, they kind of tell me what they want to pump up the charts. It's a Nashville thing. It's part of the Nashville scene. Big Nashville crowd.

I love it. We're just on the road this weekend with the great William Montgomery. How'd that go? Where'd you guys go? We went to Tacoma, Washington.

Yeah. Went to Tacoma. Yeah. Did some shows. Yeah, it was fun.

Yeah, me and William. Big riffs. It was cool. It's cool to meet these guys. I was going to say, it's really good to meet you.

But, David, we've already met. Do you remember when we met? Yeah, I think you were my bus boy tonight.

No, I'm kidding. Oh, yes. I thought you might not remember, so I brought some pictures of times that we've hung out before.

Dodgers game.

He was so weird. He was so weird, got very slimy. Yeah. That was kind of cool. He is wearing the same sunglasses tonight.

I have the same look. That's my look, man. Just a couple guys taking in the ball game. Yeah. It was a good time.

We called it an early night, and then we went home, and the Space Shuttle Challenger exploded.

Something romantic about it, though. That's not how you want to end any night at the ballpark.

We're watching it. It's still happening. In the morning, we stayed all night. I love that. sometimes Casey can't decide which one of two pictures he wants to use, so he uses both.

Just pushing the story along. We're watching it, and then we're kind of taking it out. He loved it. Oh, my God. We couldn't take our eyes off of it.

You faced the camera on that one, so everyone could really see that he was watching it. That is incredible. You don't remember any of this, David? No, it feels a little AI, but I don't know. I don't mind it.

I didn't know. Then we decided we were going to stop it from ever happening again. We suited up commando style, and we shut down NASA from the inside. Wow. Wow.

Those were the days. Are we allowed to talk yet? Yeah, any time. There's a question for it. It's good that you're used to doing this, because for your next gig, where you're holding up a song, we'll sing for food.

I thought this one was kind of fun, because it's the ending of Fight Club. We're holding hands, and we're like, I met you at a very strange time in my life. Oh, the Mucinex guy is also in the corner of that one.

Is he? Yeah. Yeah, he's down there. Couldn't shake that dude. That is absolutely incredible.

He's a crowd. booger. David. Tell, you ever seen anything quite like a Casey Rocket before? I've never seen a guy so lonely with a laser printer.

By the way, has anything good ever come out of an envelope like that? Can I say that?

Casey, you're a goddamn superstar. We absolutely love you. Thanks for getting this show started again. That's how it's done, ladies and gentlemen. A new minute every week from the newest regular, Casey, Rocket.

Casey, let's do it again sometime. And we found that everybody, Casey, Cam, everyone. Oh, look, it's the lovely Heidi, everybody, with some liquid deaths and some American spirits. The whole kit and caboodle tonight. Unbelievable stuff.

Our first bucket pool is behind the curtain and ready to go. Ladies and gentlemen, anything can happen. Could be the next superstar of the show. Could be an insane person. Anything can happen.

60 seconds uninterrupted for Caleb Barge. We're going to meet him all together. Caleb Barge, everyone.

How's it going? Cool. I was raised really religious and my parents put me in a private Christian school. And there they taught me that we were created by God and we did not evolve from monkeys. If anybody here believes we did not evolve from monkeys, I want you to go home and Google foot job porn.

Have you seen that shit?

Foot job porn? A girl jerking a dude off with her feet? That's the most monkey shit I've ever seen in my life. It frees your hands up to eat bananas? I found this thing like it's footjobporn.com.

My dad was a really religious one. He was. He did not like gay people at all. He told me this once. He was like, Caleb, the way that gay guys have sex, it's disgusting.

They do each other in the butt, and that's where poop comes from.

I was like, dude, they're not doing each other while they're taking a shit, right? Every hole in the human body has a non-sexual function. And when it's not doing that function, that's when you're supposed to stick your penis in it, right?

You don't try to get a blowjob from somebody eating a sandwich. You wait. You're not eating a sandwich. You guys are awesome. Thank you so much.

Yeah. Nailed it. David Tell. I would say, what's your name again? Caleb.

Of course it is.

I thought you were an Ezekiel, but, Caleb, it was, first of all, it was calming and refreshing. Kind of like a pile of burning books. And I think your dad will back me up on that. All right. I liked it.

Yeah. I thought the energy was just right for the situation. Yeah. It was good. Really solid.

Christian school, monkey's evolution, foot job porn. Dave, you ever watch foot job porn? Where I come from, we call it river dance.

Come on, y'all. Sorry. I'm getting ready for the little room upstairs.

Caleb, how long have you been doing comedy? 13 years. 13 years. And before that? I bet the under on.

that. Is that?

Oh, no, I'm kidding, Dave. What do you do for a living, Caleb? I work from home. I'm a project coordinator. You would know this.

What time does the Buc-ee's open? The Buc-ee's open? I don't know, 6 a.m.? No, it's 24 hours, right? That's right.

24 hours. No doubt about it. That's where you can watch all the foot job porn you want. In the bathrooms. What kind of projects are you coordinating from home?

Tech jobs and stuff like that. Big Fortune 100 client companies want to update their mapping software and stuff. They contracted out, so I just run it. Okay. Yeah.

What do you do for fun? 13 years in stand-up comedy. Where did you do the 13 years at? New York City. Wow.

Do you live here now or are you just visiting? Yeah, I just moved here. How long ago? December. December.

What do you love about Austin? Anything, stand out to you so far? Yeah, I mean, I got really tired of New York City. I mean, I like just, you can actually walk around and there's not a million fucking people. I really enjoy that.

And the food's great. Yeah. I really like it here. All right. Well, what do you do for fun, Caleb?

Tell us something about your wild side when you're not doing stand-up. I did some traveling the past few years. I went to Costa Rica. Nice. Yeah, yeah.

I got a vasectomy there. You did? Was that your idea or the court's? Whose idea was that?

I was just like, hell yeah.

Condoms suck. I'd rather just do that. But yeah, it was actually a very pleasant experience. The doctor told me a joke before he did the operation. It was good.

Were you awake? Yeah, I was awake the whole time. What was the joke that the doctor told you? So he said it in Spanish and then the nurse translated it to me. And she was like, he said you're now like the guy, the sugar that doesn't make women fat.

And I was like, that's a pretty good joke for a doctor, you know?

Let's fly him in. So did you get the...

Sounds like he's got a tight one, joke. Nice. So when you got back to the States and shot out that heroin, what was that like? Shot out the heroin? It was good.

What happened back there? Are we good? That's okay. He's blind. You can get away with it.

I thought that was the bonus round sound.

I love it. Caleb, one last question. What's the thing that we would be most surprised to know about your entire life history? Other than a Costa Rican vasectomy from a guy telling you jokes for $250..

I don't know. You have a weird childhood or anything like that? Yeah, Christian upbringing can do that. Are your parents still super Christian? My mom is still Christian, but she's cool.

Me and my dad don't really talk. When's the last time you talked to your dad? Like four years ago. And how did that conversation go and end? It was on Father's Day.

It was weird. Tell us about it. Well, he's here now.

So he's very conservative and I went out and I marched for Black Lives Matter when I knew before it was bullshit.

Whoa.

They fucking, they scammed people. That's a YouTube channel over.

But he, yeah, he just like, he judged me as soon as, it was Father's Day. I called him up and he judged me immediately. And I just was like, I'm tired. What did he say exactly? Can you remember what he said?

Yeah, he was like, this is fucking hilarious. He was just like, you weren't out marching, were you? I was like, yeah. It's the first thing he said to me. And I said, and he was like, this music's great.

And he was like, he was like, oh, I didn't think you were smart. He basically said I was dumb for marching. And I was just like, all right, well, happy Father's Day, Dad. It's like, this is weird. Wow.

Yeah. It's been four years since you called him? Yeah, I just was tired of that shit. Can we get a phone unlocker up here? We have his phone.

Do you want to call your dad and tell, can I, can we call your dad? Oh, boy.

How many of you think we should call his dad right now?

I've got his old number. Just when you, when you hit, when you, when you hit. I don't, I don't have his number, but I'm going to try. Yeah. Just keep dialing.

Yeah. Let's just, let's just guess. Whoever picks up, call him dad. All right?

Okay. Put it on speaker and put the butt of the phone up to the microphone. Speaker. The butt of the phone, the bottom. There you go.

Right to the tip. Not the side. What do you have? a hard drive in there? What's hanging from the bottom of your phone?

It's not even ringing. It's ringing. Are you out of data? You have daddy and data issues?

Is it on speakerphone? Yep. Tony. It's on. You've taken the show to a new level, buddy.

Watching a guy make a phone call. Awesome. It's incredible. It's live.

Okay. No, no. Don't put the voicemail up there. Okay. Well.

There you go. There you have it. Looks like he still hasn't forgiven you. I guess you'll have to connect with your dad. I guess you'll just have to connect with him through QAnon.

Appreciate it. Here's a little joke book. Actually, you know what? Here's a big joke book. Awesome.

All right. We got another bucket poll. We're going to keep it moving. Make some noise for your next comedian. 60 seconds uninterrupted for J.P.

Lambiasse, everybody. J.P. Lambiasse. Here comes J.P. Fuck yeah.

My parents bought three.

But I don't see a lot of Asians buying white babies. Like, that. doesn't make any sense, right? Like, why would Asians spend money on a C student?

My girlfriend, actually, she cheated on me with another Asian. Yeah. It's cool. It's not her fault. She said she thought it was me.

Turns out it was Hans Kim.

I didn't see it coming. Is that a minute? That's good. All right. Nice.

Lambiasse. Is that how you say that last name? You do not look like a Lambiasse. It was an Italian name. They made it French, so it's Lambiasse.

They wanted to get over here. good, so I guess.

Which coast did they arrive from? New York. You're really Italian? I'm a New Yorker, yeah. I was actually raised very Italian.

Hey, what up? Whoa, get a test.

So your parents are what? The mom is Asian? Calabrese. Dad's Sicilian. Grandparents are racist.

Okay, but seriously, what kind of Asian are you?

I'm South Korean. I'm not the other part. Right. Good. Great.

So, J.

P.

, how long have you been doing stand-up? I started in 2010.. Okay. Wow, another veteran of the game. Two people, 26 years of experience between the first two bucket pulls.

That's incredible. It's funny that 13 years and they lean at the tape at a minute. Yeah. You know what I mean? I'm not good.

No, you did pretty good. You're also not Italian, so there's a lot of not things happening with you. I hustle my way through it, you know what I'm saying? No, you did good. Wait, you're not Asian, or you are?

I was like two weeks old. I was adopted. Like two weeks old. I don't know stuff. Evidently, you don't know how to do laundry.

Come on, I was just sitting there. I thought that would be you, buddy. I know. It's okay. It's okay.

Those are something else, those pants. I don't know how you got into my stockpile of pants today. That's weird.

I got them from your laundry. That's the joke I just made, Red Band. Very good. I mean, you do have some awesome calves. I mean, the crowd will back me up on it.

Those are dynamite calves. It's a cultural thing, I assume. I think we found the guy that kills people at the lake because he doesn't want to get his pants wet.

Do you just lie about everything? Because it's like it fucks up an interview. You're not helping the case, though. Because she's calling me a liar. And now, Tony, you're calling me a liar?

Uh-oh. This is not live, right? You're not live. Three weeks to two weeks. I just got to call him.

What's going on, JT? You signed up for the show. I didn't realize that we had law issues today. I don't know what to avoid. I don't know you.

Don't do anything crazy, buddy. You need to wear less tight pants. It helps blood flow. I mean, you're kind of like a Hulk below the waist. I mean, I can see you're getting angry.

I've never gotten this much validation in one night. What happened was we did YouTube together, and we separated, and then I didn't want to work on the channel anymore, and she sued me. So I decided to just drive from Orlando to Austin, Texas for the only reason to be here. This is why I'm here, guys. This is why I'm here.

Wow. Not to be pandering, but this is why I'm here. But here you are, and you're in it right now. I'm in it. This is incredible.

I'm not going to sleep tonight, and I'm just so happy and fortunate to be here. I really am. Wow. So you've seen the show a lot. You know where you're at.

When you did your show with Joe Rogan, it was great. You asked me what age I was, and I'm just like, oh, he looked at me. And then, today, you walked by me. It was amazing. I didn't want to acknowledge it, because I've got to be cool.

Are you gay? A little bit.

Maybe a lot, a bit.

Was your girlfriend a girl?

She's suing me because I'm gay. That's actually part of it.

That's part of me over here. Are you really being sued by a girl? I'm being sued by a female. Right. And you used to do a YouTube show with her.

Did you guys really date? We did for ten years. Ten years.

We're getting closer. She was your low-main squeeze.

She put the low-main in low-maintenance. Yeah.

So you said, heck, I'll just take her pants and get out of town. Is that really... These are mine. I paid for them. Another YouTube-related breakup.

Lululemon, baby. Incredible. So what was your YouTube show about? Food. Healthy junk food.

I actually remember you from that. I thought you were on the show before.

I don't do that anymore. And I don't... Legal.

Yeah, it's a food channel. Well, she went rogue, and then I went rogue. And then I lived in my car, which is really fun. Trust me. I like living in small spaces.

Okay, good. That was a horrible story. I can't believe you leaked that pertinent information. It was... Tony, I think we found our new host of the Golden Globes right here.

Welcome aboard, son. This is it. This is it. Either that, or he's the new SNL fucking cast member after Shane gets canceled, or whatever. JP,

before you go, what is a special skill or talent that you have? I was a professional laser tag.

Really? You look more laser wax to me than a tag. You are very hairless. Do you shave your legs? I got that through all high school and middle school.

I got bullied a lot, honestly, because of this perfect dolphin feet I got. There's no hair. I just don't have the follicle growth on that. I do have a big bush, though.

Let's look at a clip.

It all went there, I guess. I don't know. When you say kind of gay,

are you hooking up with dudes and chicks right now? What's the... After what I went through for 10 years,

I'm not with anything. I'm not with anyone. I would do. I admitted it. I saw this trans comic.

She was really pretty. I'm like, dude, I would do that. You made a good choice. What would you do with a trans comic? Describe exactly what you would do.

Again, I'm grinding. I'm out here trying to rebuild myself. If she was just like, if you were to do something with me, what would you do?

Like, honestly, I would suck it. Okay, there you go.

JP Lambiase, ladies and gentlemen. Amazing. There he goes, everyone. It's a long walk in those pants. There he goes.

All right, we're going to keep it moving here. This guy's name is also Italian. Could be an Asian guy. Make some noise for Giovanni Vedana, ladies and gentlemen. Giovanni Vedana.

Oh, here's Giovanni, ladies and gentlemen.

What's up, guys? I know it is. So. I just got out of a long relationship. I've been trying to date more.

And dating women in Austin is insane. I had a back problem the other day, and I go back to her place, and she's like, take your shirt off. I'll give you a massage. And usually, you know what that means.

Massage. Take my shirt off, and then she started doing this.

She gave me a Reiki massage.

Listen, just grab a Reik. Reik my back. I don't know. Like, just stick a finger up my ass. Do anything besides massage my energy, bitch.

Like, ah, damn, Reiki massage, man. It's wild. Dating is weird.

I know I'm 30, because every time I drive by a house, first thing that pops in my head, it's like, that's a nice yard. I like that. I'm a yard guy. Anyways, thank you. Ooh, you're welcome.

Giovanni Badana doing the Reiki version of stand-up comedy. Not really touching anyone in the room at all.

Wow. That was incredible. How long you been doing stand-up, Giovanni? A year, consistently. Here in Austin?

Yeah. What do you do for work? I work next door at Shakespeare's. Okay. You've been on this show before, right?

A year ago, actually. You had a towel on your waist. Yeah. I remember. You were in the middle of a shift.

Yeah. Okay, and here you are. You've been working hard at it for the past year? I really have. I've given up a lot for this.

What have you given up exactly? My truck got repaired. Ooh. I call my mom once a month. I stopped talking to my mom.

Why did you stop talking to your mom? Disappointment, mainly. She was disappointed in you? No, I'm disappointed in my comedy career. Okay.

Interesting.

I'm the favorite, for sure. How many kids does she have? Three. What do the other two do? You're the favorite.

You're the bar-back, unfunny comedian. I eat ass, so that's all that matters. Okay. I feel like it's important. You're talking about your set tonight?

A little bit. Giovanni, tell us more about you. What do you do for fun? What do you do when you're not doing stand-up? I snowboard.

That was interesting. We were so bored during your set. Yeah.

Well, I do Reiki massages, you know. But no, I'm undocumented. I'm a DACA recipient. That shit's tough. A what?

DACA. What's that? A dreamer. He's a dreamer. Yeah, I dream.

What does that mean, Dave? He's dreaming for real stage time.

I'm getting out of it. I love that. I like a guy who's here but also can run a miniature golf course. Yeah, that's great.

So, you're.

. Is it... So, basically, you're an illegal immigrant? Yeah, do you get married? So, if anybody wants to give me a green card, that'd be great.

Yeah. Are they... Ask him where he's originally from and all that. Yeah. I'm from Mexico.

Mexico, yeah.

A lot of people didn't know that you need to be born in a certain location to get paperwork. I grew up thinking I was white. That was fucked up when I found out I wasn't. And then the worst part is I wanted to get my motorcycle license at 14.. They're like, no, get out.

You beat the rush. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you seem white. You have no accent whatsoever. Yeah, I know. That's why I'm still here.

What's the Mexican thing about you? I love tamales. Wow.

Tamales are great. I can't make them. Good old tamale music there.

That was good. Okay. This is pretty sweet, buddy. It's something you don't really see in Texas.

Now.

What's.

. Oh, sorry, go ahead. No, you go ahead, Dave. No, I was just going to say, dude, have you ever been back that way to do stand-up?

Yeah, right. No, have you? Honestly, this might be a bummer. So, DACA Dreamers, they are allowed to leave the States, but I am not allowed back in. So I'm not fucking leaving.

Are you sure you're not allowed back in right now? Seems like pretty much everybody's coming. True, true. You're right.

They're like, no, let the bus loads through. That guy with the checkered hat and a motorcycle, no good. Oh, you have a towel on tonight as well. It's like your trademark. Hell yeah.

I don't think they let you back in.

Once you're over, once you're here. Yeah, it seems like you're safe. It's like you get on base, you call a timeout, the umpire's cool. Yeah, I don't know what that means, but okay. Baseball.

You need to learn this for your tests if you want to become an American. That's why I need a green card. You better study. You better study. Okay, Giovanni Badana, anything else crazy.

we should know about you before we let you go? Um, no. I eat ass. When you say you eat ass. I love black booty and white drugs.

That's about it, you know. Give it up for your next mayor. Come on, guys.

Is that true? Black booty and white drugs? Yeah, yeah. Which one do you like sniffing the most?

Have you ever done both at the same time?

Oh, and then you lick your own loogie. Yeah, yeah, for sure. I don't buy it. I don't buy any of this. Should we see if...

Dude, that's so funny. you say that. I'm so self-conscious about that. About what? Wrinkles.

Alright, well, you know what? Interesting. I mean, I am. If it doesn't work out here, there's always Canada. You know what I mean?

Come on, buddy. Live the dream. Yeah, they have drugs there. Open it up and let them stay. Last time you were on, you got a little joke book?

Little joke book, yes, sir. There you go. Well, go, fill it up with jokes, Giovanni. My dog ate it. Giovanni, but you have a dog?

Two dogs, blue-nosed pit bulls. You have two dogs right now? No, no, they're at home. Where's home? The ghetto, Riverside.

Riverside? Yeah, it's ghetto. First time I moved in there, first thing I heard across the way,

gunshots. Your dogs talk?

That's a good one.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian, 60 seconds, goes to Corey Smith, everyone. Corey Smith. Here we go.

I'm bald, but I don't, I don't miss having hair. I miss taking chances with haircuts. I used to stop by like a random house business and just take a chance with a haircut. You know, they don't have an actual sign, just like the number seven and the scissor logo. Break that down for you.

The seven, that's how much the haircut costs. The scissor logo means they don't speak English. I walked into this place in Chicago, this lady knew I didn't speak Spanish, but she wasn't going to lose a customer. She grabbed me, marched me to a chair, sits me down, wants to do the whole thing without talking. Actual words, just picks up clippers, holds them next to my head, and goes, eh?

I said, uh-uh. Puts those down, picks up scissors, goes, eh? I don't think there's a third choice, so uh-huh? And then she just proceeded to give me the haircut. She assumes all white people get top three haircuts of my life.

I hung out and had Kool-Aid with her kids. Support your local house business.

Was the first thing that you said, I'm Paul? No. What'd you say about? Bald. Bald, got it.

I got really confused there. I heard Paul over here. Sometimes the audio ricochets a weird way, but indeed you are bald. I am. Why would you say that when it's obvious?

You know, it's like a butchered up old joke. I'm usually a storyteller, and that's like the only thing I can really fit in this. Okay. Dave?

Thanks, boo. Okay. How long you been doing stand-up, Corey Smith? Going on 11 years. Nice.

11 years. There's a lot of veterans here tonight, and that was your best minute. you said. No, that's the only minute I could fit. I've got like seven minute bits and five minute bits, couple four minute bits.

Storyteller, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sounds like a threat.

Yeah, I got busted by my fucking hero, right guy.

We were playing Yahtzee outside. Whoa. Yeah, dice on the street, 6th Street. I believe. around here they call it Cee-Lo.

I wonder if everyone's moving to Austin.

That sounds fun.

I'm just waiting for the air conditioner to freeze me again. What do you do for a living? Collect unemployment professionally, yeah. Nice. You're what?

I collect unemployment. I thought you said you're a cuck unemployment. Close enough.

I managed a Ninja Nation. What's that? It's like an obstacle course for kids. Really? Yeah.

Is that hard with your bracelet?

Used to run an obstacle course for kids. Yeah, it's called getting out of his basement. Getting out of bed in the morning.

How did that job end for you? I took the opportunity to get fired when they were, basically, I knew I wanted to get fired from this job and I mentioned a couple code violations, and then, two weeks later, there it is. Whistleblower. Whistleblower, yeah, dude. It's super easy to get fired from a job.

What was the problems with the children's obstacle course? that you blew the whistle on? No, I started as the assistant manager in sales and I was just basically the front desk bitch the whole time, so. Yeah, burned it all down. They didn't let you play with the kids?

No, that was too much, actually.

It's the hardest job to get near the kids and they put you right up front. I get it, I get it. Yeah.

Disappointing. Yep, that's how it works. What's your love life like, Corey?

Honestly? No, no.

Is that what happened?

It was fucking amazing.

Fucking Dave of Hell, oh my God. Unbelievable. Two different threesomes this week. So, where did this happen? The obstacle course?

No, dude, I.

Both in my place. Did the kids get put in? time out for that?

Getting double-named. So, explain to some of these people that are out there, a lot of single... Our fan base is a lot of single men.

Explain to these young men how they could have their own threesome too. How does this happen? Twice in one week. I mean, you must be killing it at Yahtzee outside.

Honesty kills the game. Just be honest. You know, hey, I'm talking to someone else. They're into chicks.

I think you're hot. You want to come over? Okay, so they came over to your place. and then what happens? I'm sorry.

Well, I mean, we did a little marijuana, a little drinking. The one girl showed up first, so we had some sex before the other girl showed up. because it took her like 45 minutes. Her husband sent her over. Whoa.

One of those situations, Dave. What a day at the RV park.

Hail to the chief, dude.

I made the one girl answer my door and bring her in. So I'm already sitting in the bedroom and then the other girl told her to start sucking my dick.

and I made one of them. eat my ass. I did the whole arch your back backwards, the rusty trombone situation. Get back. Wow.

I bidet, so it's clean. Wow.

Tony, I've never seen you like this. I am. Even your spray-on tan is blushing. I mean, really.

I'm going to this. Very excited right now. This is incredible. So we had two girls eat your ass. Correct.

And you had never met them before this. I met one before this, yeah. Okay. And then the other one was a hinge date, supposedly.

Right, right. I'm sorry, by the way. In three weeks, whenever you see this, this is my bad. No, don't apologize. This is the best interview of the night so far.

All right, well, there you go. You'll get some DMs, don't you? When you talk to the place,

they'll be like, made her open the door.

Hell, yeah. So, from the front door to the back door, they eat your ass, and then what happens? Let's keep going in order here, step by step. Yeah, the new arrival was sitting on my face, and the old arrival was sitting on my crotch, and then they decided to switch places maybe 10 minutes in. Wow.

And then my back, I mean, I'm old, so I had to switch positions,

and then when Judy, my asshole, I fucked her doggy style. Wow. Yeah, I'm an animal. I'm really sorry, Mom.

Mom's getting her ass ate right now, so it runs in the family. She is an animal, too. There's Red Band's fart sound effect for the episode. One per episode, guaranteed, always. When you're in a threesome, it's always embarrassing to ask, who's closer to the Tylenol?

My back's acting up.

Acetaminophen, if you will.

Do you use any performance enhancing drugs? Nothing, never have. Scared of it because of my heart. What's wrong with your heart? I don't know, just fat all my life.

135 pounds. Look at that. Wow. You went from rear naked choke to rear naked folk, eating your ass. I got laid when I was a fatty, too.

It's just about honesty. I don't know what it is. That's incredible. But here you are now as a young Putin impersonator. I assume.

the women are throwing themselves at you. Well, Corey Smith,

wildly horrible set,

but I think this interview is the same reason why this was a success and why you get threesomes all the time. Before I let you go, I only talked about one threesome. Let's cover the other one real quick. Is this the same main girl in the other threesome, or is it two different? No, so I tried five different girls on the second girl.

We kept trying because the one girl wanted to have a threesome. really bad. We kept trying and trying and trying. Two people said yes, but never showed up.

They said come, get it. And at 11 a.m. they came and got it. So let's go real quick.

You didn't shower? They told me not to. Wow, this guy is single-handedly.

a fucking loser. It all comes back to Corey Smith. So how many times do you think you came the next morning? Just twice. Just twice, so a total of six, we could guess in 24 hours.

In 12, yeah. Wow, unbelievable.

This guy is fucking incredible. You ever think about getting a Costa Rican vasectomy?

I don't even know what that is. Well, there you go. Here's a little joke book.

Unfortunately, the great Cam Patterson could not make it here tonight. I know, very, very sad. His first Monday missed. since he's become a regular. He's in Florida visiting family, taking care of business right now.

However, in his place tonight, we do have one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a new 60 seconds from the great and powerful Martin Phillips, everyone. Martin Phillips.

I'm starting a true crime podcast. I just have to kill the people first.

They're.

. Yeah, they're up there. Please, like, confess. I'm like, subscribe. They're lying.

Like, where are the bodies? Like, that's next episode.

It's going good. You know, we always see like Dalmatians at the firehouses. I never understood why, but I think I figured it out. I think it's like they go to the scene and they're like, hey, start your house, burn down. Want to pet our dog?

That thing fucked me up. Whatever, that thing was. Okay, well, bottom being, okay, I'm not married. I'm too, you know, too wild of a man to hold me down, but my friend gave me marriage advice. She was like, yeah, you gotta treat it like a job.

It's pretty shitty. You know, I've been fired.

That's why I came up with a better analogy. Treat it like a vacation, because you save up for it. You look forward to it. Then we get there. It kind of sucks, but we're here and we're going to have a good time, damn it.

Making the best of it.

. That's how you do it.

Whatever you say. You are an unbelievable fucking performer, Martin.

First of all, we got a picture before the show, but it's all a blur.

It's a tech joke, alright?

What?

Ten years. Believe it or not, that's less than most of the bucket pools tonight. We had two, 13 and 11 years and a barback from next door.

But so far, the performance of the night, how's life been going for you, Martin? Good. Actually, I'm dressed up for a reason.

Everyone. I've heard from millions of people that I sound like this one guy. So I'm officially.

becoming an RFK Jr. impersonator. That's how you do it. This guy killed it.

It's true. But it's interesting. You're like if RFK Jr. took the vaccine.

He's running for president, you're waddling for president. That's amazing. What else have you been up to, Martin? Just hanging around.

What was that joke that got stepped on? I didn't hear the end of it. What was the joke? It was like the Dalmatian out of the firehouse, was like the reason. they're like, hey, start your house burning down.

Want a pet or a dog?

That's all we can do. That's all we got. Okay, good. Okay, good. Okay, good.

Were there fans of the show trying to hang out with you or something like that? This is a crazy story.

It was. It's not even signing. in my DMs. I got an actual email. It's just like spam, you know?

She hit me up and it was a regular message, but then at the end she wrote, yes, I'll sign an NDA.

what projects are you working on?

Unbelievable, Martin. What else have you been doing around Austin, Texas? How's Texas been treating you? It's all right. Yeah, it's able and stuff.

Yeah? Yeah. I have a boring life. Like what? What does it seem like?

What goes on? I get recognized a lot more, so it's pretty cool. And I'm interested in Austin. Like, it's in and out of town they recognize, so it's worldwide, you know? I'm kind of boring out of people, you know?

So, yeah. I love it, man. You absolutely did it again. You're unbelievable. We love you, Martin Phillips.

Anything else we should know about before letting you go? I'm good.

I don't want to change the tone or anything, but a friend of mine, a comedian.

I met in D.

C.

, he, it is, he passed away. He's gone, but he left his special out there, so you can't remember him. Good guy, just search on YouTube, J.E. Agbon. It sounds the way I said it, so.

Check it out. Rest in peace. Good guy. And RFK Jr. approves it.

Okay. That's it. Thank you. There he goes. Martin Phillips.

Martin, great, great one, buddy.

Okay. Ooh. Thank you, Heidi. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket.

This is an exciting one because this is one of our producers, the guy that fucking hustles around for the show, does a lot of work around here. Normally, this is the guy that goes and grabs everybody and brings them back, so he's very excited to perform. I think he signs up all the time, rarely ever gets pulled. Make some noise for Colt, everybody. It's Colt.

You know us. You love us. From back in the day.

You either die, Matt Reif, or you live long enough to see yourself become Dane Cook.

Good. Good.

No, I'm an Austin local. I've been here in hell, Austin, three years now. It's going great. You hear a lot of weird stuff on 6th Street. The other day, this guy walked up to me and he goes, hey, man, you know, albino, people eat the best ass.

I was like, what? Right? What the fuck? He goes, yeah, it's because they already have pink eye.

My God, weird eyes, those folks.

You guys like politics?

Palestine?

I don't think they're pals with any Steins.

Thank you, that's my time. That's a great joke. Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. That's funny.

Good to be here. Hell yeah, Colt. You are. You're always here, but you're never there. Yes, sir.

I know. I know. Happy to be here. Happy to be here now, though. Incredible.

David Spade, what did you think about this young guy? I thought he did good stuff. I think I like pink eye, I like Palestine. That's a good one. And I think you had three, right?

So boom, boom, boom. I think two out of three hit. That's pretty good. Those two were good. Thank you, sir.

Appreciate you. Yeah, the Matt Ray. You like that? I think I love how Tony is insourcing. This guy's a runner for the show.

Yeah. Who's next? Your maid? What's going on here?

Colta became a part of the show many, many years ago. Famously, we found him on a road show in Dallas, Texas, and we found out he can kick really high. He's a kung fu, what are you, you were the kung fu champion, or something? Cheng Hung style taekwondo. I was a fourth degree black belt and competed internationally a lot.

Wow. Sorry, I'm getting nervous. I don't know, I don't do it anymore, really. I'm getting nervous. you're going to ask me to kick.

Yeah, just kick real quick. Don't make a big deal about it. No big deal. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen.

Look at that. Do it again. Dave didn't see. Do it again. Do it again.

Whoa.

Whoa. Wow. You would kill it at the children's obstacle course. That would kill. I do.

I do. 80 pounds of bad news.

85.

. 85..

So tell us more, Colt. What else is about your life? What's been going on? Oh, my gosh. I love my life.

I'm so blessed. You and Red Band, I've completely changed my life. I ran and operated a martial art academy for many years. And after COVID, of course, before that I got on your show, I closed my school down and I moved down here and started working at the Vulcan. Yep.

Now proudly work at the Sunset Strip. I'm a sound guy. Yep. Yeah, and I'm loving life. And you're doing a lot of comedy.

Absolutely. Like 14 times a week. I try to get out of that. Tony, you know, I learned something about Colt recently. He is like a crazy yo-yo champion.

Like a bad-ass yo-yo. Do you have a yo-yo on you? I do backstage. I think. Oh, we got to get that yo-yo, everybody.

Yo-yo. Oh, wow. Somebody knew it was coming. Look at that. Oh, yeah.

This is some yo-yo music right here. Give me some cool music. Okay. And it's time to yo-yo, everybody. Here we go-go.

Uh-oh. Oh, walking the dog.

Rock the baby.

I mean, it's over now.

Yo-yo tricks.

Very good. This guy is the complete package.

Funny, flexible, and with that yo-yo thing, available. I mean, really.

This guy, you better hang on to him, Tony.

Oh, yeah. This guy's going places. Oh, yeah. He's one of our hardest workers, one of our greatest workers. He's one of our great people on the squad.

Good for the morale, good for everything. What else, Colt?

Okay.

That's it. You already have access to any joke book you want, pretty much. Do I? Oh, shit. You've never gotten a big one?

No, sir. That was before my time. Yeah. Really? If you give him this now, what are you going to give him for Christmas?

I mean, really. You cheap piece of shit. You cheap prick.

This is a big joke book. Merry Christmas, Colt. Christmas came early. Oh, my God. That is the funniest.

Oh, my God. How about another Amber Davital, by the way, ladies and gentlemen? Absolutely. Truly killing Tony, as always.

His new special hot cross buns is out now, so make sure you go see it immediately.

The Kill Tony debut of Zebulon. Okay, here we go.

I've been in pain every day for the last 20 years with a spinal injury, so hip-hip-hooray, I guess. Despite all the pain,

I'm going to be honest with you all. Sadly, I'm thinking about divorce and pain. She's just always on my nerves.

I just haven't had the courage to pull that trigger yet.