#2124 - Dave Attell & Ian Fidance

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Gentlemen, good to see ya.

Joe, thanks for having us.

Thank you so much.

My pleasure, my pleasure. Thanks for coming to town. Everybody's very excited.

I'm excited too. Playing the club. Had to bring in Ian, super fan of the show.

Thanks, Ian. I'm a fan of you, dude. You're a funny motherfucker.

Thank you, bro. It means a lot. Appreciate it. My pleasure. Excited to be at the club, man.

Yeah, I'm excited to have you guys. Everybody's been pumped. We're pumped.

It's a stroke fest. But you know what, Joe? I'm in town for the club, to hang with you, and also to promote a special. What do you think?

Yay!

Only, I bring one out every other election year. I know. I don't have the turnaround. you have, man. You're good.

It's okay. When you put them out, they're fucking magic. Skanks for the Memories is still one of my all-time favorite comedy albums. It's a fucking classic.

It's weird when you, I'm sure you have this where a fan comes up to you and they repeat one of your most horrific jokes. You know, like, hey man, those titties ain't. I'm like, whoa! Say it in a corner. Not here.

You know what happens to me. sometimes? People bring up bits that I totally forgot.

Oh, true.

I'm like, oh my god, how does that go? I have to ask them. How does it go? Oh yeah! What was it on?

Yup. That's what it is, man. It's all a blur.

But we're old. David, we're old now.

I am very, I was, my mom's been in the hospital, right? I went in there and people thought I was the patient. I was sitting in the room with her and they kept coming over to me. I'm like, her, her. I wish it was a joke.

I've known you for at least 30 years.

For sure. Well, it looks better on you than on me. That's for sure. That's why I brought in my intern to take some of the slack off.

Wait, you guys are the same age?

Oh, that can't be. I'm older than you. I'm older than you. How old are you? 59..

I'm 56.

Okay. Well, there you go. See? Yeah. Three years ago, I looked like that.

It's all about the maintenance.

Well, yeah. You put the time in.

You gotta keep that maintenance up. I saw it coming a long time ago, though. I saw it coming like in my 30s.

Yeah, but you never were like this. I mean, like you never were. No, I never let myself go.

Yeah. I never let myself go. I'm terrified of it. Really? Yeah, because I've been injured before.

Yeah.

If you don't, you know, we all know guys like Patrice. We lost Patrice. Yeah. We all know guys who don't take care of themselves, and fucking shit just starts breaking. What do you think?

I'm glad you brought up Patrice, because we've lost a lot of greats. Patrice is the one a lot of people like, you know, super fans always bring up. Patrice, what would he do in the age of Ozempic? What do you think?

I don't think he would go along with it.

I could see him putting it on like a cheeseburger or something. He just was not into it.

He's not into a fucker category. He's not gonna do it. Like, Brian Simpson got on it for a little while. It was terrible for him. Really?

What do you think is bullshit?

Bread and carbs. Not all carbs. Like,

Even sweetener. No good?

Well, like, artificial sweetener? If that kills you, you're a fucking pussy.

Overdosed on Stevia.

Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. I'm not afraid of xylitol.

Like lasagna or something? When's the last time you had a piece of cake? Just for shits and giggles. I'll do it every now and then.

Once a week or something like that. I give myself a day where I don't give a shit, I'll eat pizza.

What is carbo-loader? Aren't you supposed to do a bunch of that before you do a race or you ride?

Yeah, a lot of guys do that. You'd have to talk to endurance athletes about that. But essentially, they're just taking in a lot of carbohydrates before ultra-marathons. Things like that. And then they also have gels.

They'll squirt in their mouth while they're running.

They're just all about performance. Those folks are all about trying to squeeze out another two or three minutes in a 100-mile race.

That's crazy.

I ride a bike in New York City. So I eat a ton of pasta and I'm riding three miles. I'm like, I got a carbo-loader.

But that's a fucking workout, though. Boy, that's so good for your health, except for the fact that you're breathing in brake dust.

I think that's the least of it in New York. It's kind of like you're driving through a zombie horde.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Homeless dust.

You're pedaling and you're also kind of basically like, away, get away.

I thought about wearing armor.

George and the Light Brigade.

I have used my bike chain as a mace to ride with it.

He's gotten some great tangles, by the way.

Is it that bad down there?

I mean, you've got to learn, sometimes you have to pop off because cars will turn and they act like you don't exist. So you've got to yell and everything. And a lot of these guys, especially since the pandemic, everything's food delivery. So they all go down the wrong way. They're all buzzing around you on the side.

A white guy?

Yeah, it was white. That's why I said something.

That Southern drawl really gave it away.

He sounds like a really privileged guy.

No, if it was someone from the Bronx, I would have been like, fair enough.

Good for you, sir.

I'm wrong.

So he climbed out, smacked your coffee. Oh, yeah.

And I spit in his face.

Wow.

Jesus Christ, dude.

And then I went down. and then he came up again and took his phone out and started to tape me. And I was like, you're a fucking pussy. You fucking snitch. And I took my chain.

That's coming from the guy who just saw Ghostbusters. how many times? This guy is a Ghostbuster nut. He's a fanatic.

He was probably coached. If anyone gives you a hard time, you'll film.

Oh, yeah. Film them.

Shame them. You don't like immigrants.

Oh, yeah. Well, no. He was French. That was a terrible French accent.

I didn't get that at all. I didn't get that at all on that one.

No, no, no.

I made him sound like he was Becky, but he was French.

Yeah, but you've got to be careful fighting people from other countries. They play by different rules.

That's true.

Oh, yeah.

You know, you're with a guy, you're tangling, and all of a sudden he pulls out a snake.

Like those spears dipped in shit in Vietnam?

Something like that.

You could probably survive the spear dipped in shit before you could survive the poison. Yeah.

But that was, like, Malaysia. Wow. Tough. It's a tough scene over there. Well, Ian is, you know, what was I going to say?

Yeah.

And he's sober, too. You know, so I'm sorry. This is kind of like a bore. But, you know, the sober life on the road is not very cool. You know, the chain smoking and the coffee.

We go on adventures.

We do.

Daytime sober adventures.

What do you think it would be like sober, no coffee, no cigarettes?

Oh, I can tell you right now. Suicide. Because my plane was delayed, and I hadn't had a coffee in 12 hours. I got that weird headache. You know what I'm talking about?

Well, you also don't drink water.

Yeah. Water is for, yeah.

You only drink coffee?

Pretty much. Yeah. I have to remind him to drink water. Dehydration is my. Yeah.

I'm like, here's a water, David.

Yeah. Oh, my God.

He doesn't want it.

Oh, my God. It's really, yeah. That's like the least you can do for your body. And I'm like, nah, I don't think so.

Well, those connecting flights are hell when you can't smoke cigarettes.

Yeah.

That's like an eight-hour connecting flight. Then you've got to smoke in the family bathroom at the airport.

There's only one airport where you can smoke, and that's Vegas, I think.

Is that the only one that has a booth?

It has that weird, yeah, like.

That coffin room?

Yeah, that kind of.

Can you smoke in the Nashville airport, too?

I don't think so. I don't think so.

Bro, that is the wildest thing they ever did. Give you a box where you can do drugs in. Oh, yeah. Just get in there. Yeah.

Live it up.

Little rat. Well, the crazy thing is, you used to be able to smoke on the fucking plane. Yes. I remember it clearly when I was a kid. Dice used to have a bit about it.

Really?

The smoking section.

We're running a fucking tube.

It's all the same air.

Smoking on a plane? Yeah. Even smoking jokes. People are like, what are you talking about?

When I thought smoking was back, I thought all the scenesters, the posers, are into smoking cigarettes now because vaping became too mainstream. I thought that they wouldn't. Oh, the rape rebellion. That's what I've heard in New York, like smoking in a restaurant, smoking in a bar somewhere, just to have like, it's kind of like a retro kind of a look. how cool I am, you know?

Well, it's trading the moment for the future.

True. That is true. But I was just in a hospital with old people. You want that moment. Oh.

You trade that moment for like a decay. Yes. A certain amount of decay you're going to experience in your future.

Yeah, I'll take it. Yeah. You got to live in the moment.

Sure, until you can't.

Well, I'm telling you, I was just around a lot of old people, like the woman next to my mom in the hospital, 100 years old. No. And she was no Betty White, by the way. It was like we peeked through the curtain. It's like, hi.

She was done.

You're going to live forever. I mean, we all know that.

That's not possible. Come on. No one's living forever. Well. But my goal is just to stay healthy.

Keep it moving.

Make sure it moves good.

Would you eventually segue like from, like a less strenuous workout? You know what I'm saying? Like when you get older.

Not unless I have to.

Like a Tai Chi in a park? Nothing like that?

I'd get to do a Tai Chi in a park. Tai Chi in a park makes you look like you read a lot. You know,

True.

You're out there, moving slow in the park, doing an ancient kung fu.

In New York, that's called methadone. People, just like in their own like world.

I used to go to this pool hall, and the methadone clinic was right down the street. And so my friend Johnny used to call them the methadonians. They'd get their dose, and they'd just come in and play pool. They'd be like. That's the best.

Right.

But it also gets you high, right? Dude, yeah.

I know guys who are addicted to methadone.

You can drink it too. You can?

Yeah. Wow.

And suboxone is the same thing.

I had a guy come in and explain that on the podcast once. He actually ran a clinic at one point in time. And he was explaining how just getting you hooked on these other things. And these other things also get you high.

Yeah.

Yeah. Have you done it before?

No.

Suboxone? No, no.

I've heard mixed reviews, though. Some people say it doesn't do that to you.

Well, I mean, it's like whatever gets you off the thing. that's killing you. It's like harm reduction. But eventually, you've got to get off that if you want to be totally sober.

My understanding is that methadone is just as bad, if not worse, for you. Really? I don't think it's good for you.

I mean, my cousin's on it. She's doing great.

Well, there you go. What more do you need?

He told me. I think that the problem with fucking any opiates is. your body develops a tolerance. Yeah. And then you go Rush Limbaugh.

Yeah.

Rush was taking like 99 pills a day, or something crazy.

Really?

He went deaf from it, supposedly.

Jesus Christ. Yeah. I didn't know that about him.

Yeah.

Holy fuck. Homeboy was going hard.

That's awesome. He was made by them. You know, just like excellent sudden broadcasting. I just imagined him just fucking blasted out of his mind. Wandering around his house.

Yelling the most horrific things.

On opiates.

Yeah.

You know. Wow. The life. Rubber band around his balls. Just fucking out to lunch.

Wow. I didn't know that.

Could a common painkiller, taken in massive quantities, by the way, contributed to Rush Limbaugh's well-known hearing loss? Research findings suggest that the radio talk show host's apparent addiction to Vicodin could be the culprit behind his mysterious attack of deafness two years ago. Doctors over the past several years have reported dozens of cases of Vicodin addicts who become deaf and in some cases only regain their hearing with the help of cochlear implants, such as the one received by Limbaugh. It's pretty clear that there's an association, says Dr. Jeffrey Harris, an ear specialist at the University of California San Diego Medical School.

I took 90 in a week, and I was flying high. I can't imagine a day.

The leave was Vicodin that I took once when I had knee surgery. I was like, I'd rather be in pain. Like, I feel so stupid. But then I had a buddy of mine who was a musician, and he said he would take it and it would really help with his creativity when he's writing songs.

Really? Wow.

Sounds like an excuse.

But I think it's a thing. Well, definitely a crutch, right? But I think it's a thing where it's, like, different for different people. Like, for Stan Hope, weed is horrific.

Yeah. No, he's not a weed guy.

You can't do it.

He's an OG drunk. Right.

But for me, weed is like, this is wonderful. I love it. Everything's great. But I just think it's, I think the diversity of, like, how the differences in people's, like, just chemistry, is very underappreciated in terms of tolerance to food, in terms of, you know, how much you can exercise, like, what kind of diseases you're going to get. It's biodiversity, man.

Well, you've got to try it to find out.

Yeah, we're all fucking different. Like, any one size fits all, get the fuck out of here with that. That doesn't work with people. We're so different. We're almost like a bunch of different specieses all smushed up together.

When I had a shoulder surgery, they gave me a pain blocker. Have you ever had one of those?

No.

It, like, lasts about 12 hours and it just blocks the nerve.

Oh, I have when I had surgery.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why hasn't that gotten recreational? Because it was, like, awesome. It was like I was walking around, like, I don't even feel like I had a surgery.

Is it an epidural where they go into your spine? Is that what you're saying?

No, no, they just put something, like, on it. Oh. I think. Or, no, no, no, you're right. It was in me, and then it dissolved, or something like that.

No, with an epidural, it's like a spine block.

Okay.

So they do, it's like if you want to be conscious. Like, I was conscious when I got my knee operated on. So they basically paralyzed me below the waist.

Wow, that's scary.

And then it was wild.

Why would you want that?

I wanted to see it. Because I wanted to see what the surgery looked like. I wanted to see my knee being pulled apart and screwed in together. I wanted to, like, they said, I could watch it.

Couldn't you just watch it later? No, no, no.

Well, this was 1990.

Oh, shit.

Whatever it was. And so, you know, I said, what are the options? And the doctor said, well, most people, we just put them under. I go, but why would you not put them under? And he said, because sometimes people want to be awake.

So you could talk and everything while you were doing it?

Yeah, I could.

Wow. And you didn't feel any panic?

Mm-mm. No, it was interesting. It was interesting because I didn't feel any pain. So I was watching the doctor screw it in and hammer it and fucking.

Oh, man. I was like, woo.

Did it, at any point, were you like, am I dead? No.

No. No, the doctor was awesome.

It wasn't out of body?

No, no, no. Because you're essentially sitting there. I think the way I was seeing it was on a monitor, if I remember correctly. I think there was like, they had like a cotton shield in front of me. And my legs were there.

And you didn't get sick?

But I do remember him manipulating my leg and moving it around. Mm-mm. It was fucked. I didn't have an ACL. Wow.

Wow. Just the sounds alone would have creeped me out. It's crazy. Yeah.

When you hear the bone crunching because the fucking screw is going into it, you're like, yo.

I want him to knock me out at the dentist.

I can't imagine ACL surgery.

And then afterwards, he's manipulating it too. Afterwards, I was watching him move it around.

And what was the recovery on that? Like how long?

It took a long time.

I'm sure.

Yeah, that's a long one, because there's so much trauma going on there. I think that took like a year before my knee felt normal.

The knee is harder than the shoulder, right?

No, the shoulder's very hard. Very hard, because the shoulder moves all over the place.

Oh, okay. This is the only thing I could find. When he was arrested, he had 2,000-plus painkillers in his system. In his system or on him? His housekeeper claims that he did over 30 oxys a day.

But that's oxys. That's not vicodin.

See, that's what they gave me after my surgery. He had hydrocodone, loracet.

Oh, he had everything.

Norcan, or he had a few things.

Oh, which hydrocodone can cause hearing loss, it says. Wow. Imagine, like what a hell that is too. When you're a guy who has headphones on for a living, and your pill thing is so wacky.

You can't stop.

It's so wacky, you can't stop to the point where your fucking hearing goes away. Now you can do your job.

You're feeling so good just with that oxy, itch and everything, and then one day you can't hear. What a nightmare.

The thing you love. I don't think you're feeling good, dude.

But he's probably got like five doctors to write those scripts like that. Because, I mean, honestly, isn't it illegal?

Well, he was living in Florida.

Oh, that's during the pill mill. Yeah.

That's like the pill mill, yeah.

That's a great doc on Netflix. The guys were making all that money just selling like fake, you know. It was just like anybody, people coming in out of Kentucky. Like, hey, I got a bursitis. Okay, here you go.

That's my friend Mariana Van Zeller. It's the Oxycontin Express. That lady is a gangster. But she exposed the whole thing where they don't have a database. So you go from one place.

Yeah, it's all done now.

It's crazy.

Okay, Mr. Limbaugh and I have maintained from the start that there was no doctor shopping. And we continue to hold this position. Oh, that's nice. Mr.

But maybe back, like he had to be doing this for years and years and years, right?

If he's getting 2,000 pills, you're going doctor shopping. Or you're buying it from a drug dealer. It's one of those two options.

Yeah, but when you have endless money, you can just buy off any doctor.

So what we do is you go to the pain management center. You go and you say, I'm in pain. And they go, oh, we'll write you a prescription for drugs. And you go right next door to a pharmacy that only sells OxyContin. It's the OxyContin Express.

Yeah, and it was off 95.

How many cars made that trip before they started figuring out what was going on? And the pharmaceutical drug companies knew it, so they just kept selling it. Oh, yeah. There was some nutty statistic at one point in time where Florida had like 1,000 times more people. Yeah, more people than Pittsburgh did anywhere else in the world.

Maybe we should move people out of that fucking state. We've got the blues. Kentucky bluegrass. No, but I like the parking lot. Did you see in the documentary, they're like the most, like vagrant, like just like redneck, just like just basically screeching around.

Oh, those doctors are dealing with zombies. Somebody runs dry of money and no one wants their dick sucked. You're going to get jumped.

I mean, definitely on the way out. It's like an in and out in Oakland. I mean, it's anybody they would have in.

There's a book called Dreamland that talks about the pill crisis and everything and how it started, with black tar heroin coming in from Naira, Mexico and everything. And there were houses in Ohio that people would line up with stolen goods and trade like chainsaws for pills. And then they would take those goods from Home Depot and sell them back to make more money to buy pills.

Oh, my God.

Like a pill economy.

I don't know what to say.

You know, there's many, many wars connected to that, too. The conspiracies about Vietnam always had something to do with heroin and the conspiracy about Afghanistan.

Oh, with the opium?

Dude, we were guarding opium fields.

Yeah.

We were guarding poppy fields. The United States troops were guarding poppy fields. And they had Geraldo Rivera go over there to gaslight America about it. And they played it on TV. Now, tell me, why are you guarding this heroin?

That they had to do it from the Taliban or something?

Well, that was how.

Of course. We're here to guard it.

So they send fucking soldiers over there to guard heroin. Look at Geraldo's big fucking silly smile. Hi, everybody.

I'm in a war.

With a big smile. Silly. this. This smile is to let everybody know that everything's fine. This is nothing to be concerned with.

And this is right around the time when opium and Oxycontin was just flowing.

But look at even the way he's performatively shaking this guy's hand in front of the camera. Like he hasn't met this guy before. The whole thing is such a fucking charade. Fighting the opium trade by guarding the heroin.

It grinds at your gut. How do you deal with it? What are you doing about it?

Frankly, this is part of their culture. So, while it might grind in my gut, it's what they do. We provide them security. We're providing them resources. We're providing them alternatives.

The alternative is pumpkins. We thought maybe a pumpkin patch in here. Once a year, a pumpkin patch. How about a Christmas tree farm? I know it goes against the culture, but...

If we just time pumpkin season right, we're going to make a killing, boys.

Now the Vietnam thing is interesting, because I know my cousin who was in Vietnam. He came back and he had a heroin problem. But in actual Vietnam, they don't make heroin. It's Laos, right? It's the trade routes.

It's controlling the area. There's so many conspiracies about what, the real reason why they lied and made up a false attack to get us to go into Vietnam. But almost always, it's money. Almost always. There's no way they do anything like that, unless someone's making money.

Right.

If there's trillions of dollars in heroin coming from a place, you're going to be like, Hey, this is kind of bullshit. I'm tired of selling you fuckers, tanks. I want a piece of this heroin money. This is so well documented in our country. That's literally what the Iran-Contra affair was about.

Yeah, but we have to invade them because they hate our freedom.

That is important. I'm glad you look at it that way, Ian. What's really important is framing it in a way that the common person can understand. I know this seems like tyranny to you, and there's a bunch of fucking murderers, drug dealers, at the helm of the wheel. But that's not the case.

What about fentanyl? What do you think of that?

Oh, I love it.

It's got legs. It's got legs.

I wish it was in everything. It's fucking crazy.

That's out of China, right?

Well, they need the precursors. The precursors apparently are coming from China. Okay. Again, China's like, Listen, are they buying? Then we're selling.

Let's go. Isn't this their plan to win the hundred-year war?

They are way ahead of schedule. Those guys are killing it. They're fucking killing it. They're killing it with TikTok. I think TikTok accelerated everything.

Yeah, TikTok is the new opium.

It really is. It basically is.

And that's our TikTok. Their TikTok is all, like, you know, it's good.

Their TikTok is science projects, martial arts.

Ours is, are you a child? Be sexy and dance.

What?

Yeah, drag queens are fun.

They must be, really.

I'm a teacher. You need to know how I fuck.

Jesus Christ. I'm non-binary. So you must use these pronouns. And the kids are like, How many pronouns are there? Yeah, yeah.

I've never been to China. I know guys who've toured through there. Like, I can only imagine what those shows are like. I mean, I guess you do it for the expats. It's not like the locals are dying for American comedy over there.

Bro, they will fucking put you in the ground if you talk some shit over there.

Oh, yeah, no.

You can't go over there and just get drunk and do comedy. They will put you in the fucking ground.

But you know how, when you do a town and you always make fun of the other town to get those people on your side? Of course. Hey, I'm in Pittsburgh. What about that? You know, Scranton.

One guy, you can get shit done. You can really get shit done. That's for sure. Because what you do is you make sure that the businesses are all on the same page as the government. The government owns the businesses.

Yeah.

She looks good. Yeah. I want that dress. I think it's that. That's what I think it is.

When you go overseas, do you perform a tour? What's your favorite spot overseas?

I love the UK. I love to go over there. I just love the people. I just love it. They're fun.

How about Australia? Have you done that?

Yeah, I've done Australia. I love Australia. They're fun, fucking people, man. They're fun people. You know, there's a lot of America.

For sure.

And also like very judgy. Very judgy and very uptight. And, you know, I know there's a lot of wokeness in England too, but like good old, fucking regular, drunk English guys are fun. I like them. I like drunk Irish guys.

Ireland is good.

Yeah, they're fun. Young people there get it. Young people know what the fuck is going on. The young people today are on the internet. And the young people today are paying attention to people that aren't lying.

Well, I mean, when you go overseas, that's the thing of like, you know, I say start small. Canada. You know what I'm saying? Like, get it going. It's funny how, like, they get all of our references, yet they're better people.

No, they're not.

I think they are now.

They're 20% less douchebags in Canada.

How many fights have you seen out of Tim Hortons? That's what I want to know. Exactly. You never see a beat down. You never see a shooting.

I went to a strip club in Calgary, and they use the loonies and toonies, the coins, to get the strippers. And people are like, when you go, make sure you don't warm them up with a lighter. They don't like that. And I'm like, what? They're throwing hot coins at strippers?

This might be what we call sampling bias. Like the study that you took of what kind of people Canadians are at a hole. Was at a strip club.

Blanket statement. And where was the strip club?

Calgary. Calgary.

Okay.

A strip club in a fucking cattle town. A frozen cattle town. In one of the toughest fucking places on earth to live.

I forgot. it is a cattle town. Yeah.

I've got some friends, my friends John and Jen, they live in Edmonton. They live out in Alberta. And it's so cold out there. You can take hot water and throw it in the air, and it freezes before it hits the ground. Wow.

A week before I was there, it was negative 30.

It was fucking nuts.

That's why they're so cool up there. You have to have discipline to live. You have to be able to shovel your car out of the fucking snow to stay alive. To stay alive. It makes for better people.

People are better when they know how to put on snow tires.

This guy in the strip club, honestly, I hate to think you out or anything, but you know how most guys go and they just kind of sit and observe? He's part of the action. He immediately runs in, throwing the dollars, spanking an ass. I'm like, I don't know if you're allowed to do that here, dude. I don't know where you think you're allowed.

In Delaware, it's normal.

Yeah, spanking a woman's ass. And they liked it too. They were like, oh, finally, a guy who gets us is here. They were like into him.

They want to have fun, and most guys just sit there and, like, you know. Yeah. You went up and you put a dollar.

like you, were betting poker.

I was like exchanging money.

I was like looking around for the cameras. I'm like, I don't want to be observed doing this. Jesus Christ. But it was really definitely a, that was for Louis Cass's bachelor party. Half bachelor party.

So it's like Oklahoma.

It's like boys night out. Documentary. Dave Attell down there. What's the best? Costa Rica?

Really? They're fucking huge. I wouldn't be into that.

There's crocodiles there. I went with my family, and we went on a crocodile tour. It's crazy, dude.

They're crocodiles, right?

Oh, yeah. Real crocodiles.

Are they lions?

Well, they have a crocodile. It's like rivers, and I don't know what you would call it. I guess you could call it a bayou. I think bayou's like an American term. Isn't it a French term?

CCR term.

Yeah. Yeah, going on a bayou. That's a jam. But so we're in this boat, right? And my kids are young at the time, and I'm like, don't go near there.

You're fucking freaking, man.

Because if one of them falls in, you're going to go in, too. You have to go in. You have to go in.

You can't leave them.

You have to go in, and you have to throw them onto the fucking boat. And then you've got to figure out how to get up. Because the crocodile is going to hear the splashing. Oh, Jesus. It's so scary.

How about the ocean? there, too? That's another one where it's amazing, but there's a lot of shark. Oh, there are sharks down there? That's what I heard.

It's a big shark thing. Well, down in Florida, down in the Keys, they have so many bull sharks that there's a bunch of videos of guys fishing, and they're just trying to get the fish in as quick as they can because the bull sharks come along.

Amazing.

And just fuck those fish up.

Wow.

There's bull sharks everywhere down there. So many that you're allowed to kill them and cook them.

Really? Yes. You can go bull shark fishing?

You can go bull shark fishing in the Keys in Florida.

What does that taste like?

How many bull sharks are you allowed to take? I think you're allowed to take, like, one a year or something like that. But people go fishing for bull sharks.

How big do they get?

And people get mad at them. You're killing sharks! Because of the propaganda of the fucking shark's fin soup.

Oh, right.

People don't understand the size of the globe, and they think that sharks are endangered. But not there, they're not!

No.

They might not be over there, wherever the fuck they've been killing them and taking their fins off, but in Florida, there's a lot of them.

Does it fuck up the ecosystem, though, if they kill too many of them?

Sure, yeah. But we're killing too many fish. Yeah. The problem is, it's not just we, the human race. We've depleted the ocean by something around 90% of all the big fish.

And then they told us that plastic straws are the problem. So every time I go to a coffee shop, it sucks ass.

Here it is. Bull sharks are harvestable in Florida with a 54-inch minimum size limit and one per person per day.

Oh, my God. One a day?

One a day. That's how many they have of them. The world record is, from Stewart, Florida, 501 pounds, 92 inches.

Yikes!

The maximum size is about 13 feet, with the matures at approximately 14 to 18 years of age.

Wow. She's a teenager.

Bull sharks are responsible for almost all of the different shark attacks out there. Wow. They like to bump and bite, meaning they bump their prey and attack it while it's trying to figure out what just hit them.

Just like you, Ian.

That's a strip club strategy.

Bull shark.

They use cut stingrays for bait year-round and are heaviest rods and tackle gear. No doubt you'll get a great show and fight if you catch a bull shark.

Would you ever go bull shark fishing?

I'm not a fishing guy, but I wish I was into that. Like, I like all the gear they have to buy. I like that when you go into, like, a Dick's and you see, like, that whole wall, for, like, you know, the right anglers and all that kind of lures and all that kind of thing. I don't know, but I'm not into it. But you wouldn't go?

Fishing's awesome. Try it. Fishing's a blast.

This is one of the things that Jamie just pointed out. One of the crazy things about bull sharks is they go into freshwater. Oh, wow. So they can go... They've been all the way up into Illinois.

Crying statistics up there are getting crazy.

That explains it.

Even the movie Jaws was based on a freshwater attack that was on a river in New Jersey.

That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Near Tom's River.

They go all the way up the river into the.

How can they do that? Fresh and saltwater?

Because they're monsters. Wow. They're just designed to kill. And if they ran out of shit to kill in the salt, they ventured into the fresh.

That's amazing.

They made it all the way up into the rivers, and they started killing things.

What do they look like?

The bullhead sharks. They look like a shark. Just a regular shark.

Like a great white type shark?

They're smaller than that. Smaller.

Really? They're smaller, but it's the same kind of look, you know? That's what a bull shark looks like. Yeah, see? Oh, my God.

That's like the classic look.

I mean.

That guy looks scared. Do you know how many there must be if they let you kill one a day? Do you know how many there must be?

That's.

Do you know how many people are going out specifically.

To catch bull sharks? Yeah. There's videos on YouTube of guys doing it. Yeah, they have, like, YouTube fishing channels.

For real.

I subscribed to a couple.

There's YouTube fishing channels.

of these fucking dudes going down there. And they catch bull sharks. Jimmy, see if you can find, like, bull shark fishing.

Oh, that's.

They're real aggressive, too. I think them, and tiger sharks. Oh, yeah.

You want bull shark video?

Yeah, bull shark fishing.