nicotine addiction

Because although I'm not fully off of it yet, I'm working towards it and so I feel morally okay about discussing the topic. Because prior to this point in my life, I wasn't ready to quit, I didn't want to quit, I loved it, I was like, I'm not quitting.

And even though I didn't want to quit, I still knew it wasn't something I should discuss publicly because it's not something I ever want to promote. I was never proud of my nicotine addiction. in fact, I was always kind of ashamed of my nicotine addiction. But at the same time, I was not ready to quit because it played a huge role in my life in a weird way, and I didn't want to quit. But two weeks ago, I decided I was done and now this is the topic I feel comfortable discussing.

So let me give you a little bit of history about my nicotine use. Okay, so I got introduced to nicotine at 15 years old. My group of friends at the time all had vapes, and some of their vapes had nicotine, some of their vapes didn't, but they were all hitting various forms of vapes. Okay, and at the time I had a really strong conscience, especially around using substances. Like I felt really guilty at that age about drinking alcohol, smoking vapes, smoking cigarettes.

And when I would participate in those activities, I would feel dirty and like, I really fucked up. And so it wasn't really an issue that all of my friends were using vapes. Because I had such a strong conscience and such a strong sense of guilt that I couldn't fully participate. I would hit a vape here and there, but I always felt so bad about it that I could never bring myself to going out and buying one. And on top of that, I actually didn't really enjoy vaping, like I didn't enjoy the way that nicotine made me feel, like it didn't excite me.

So that was sort of my introduction to nicotine at that time, I was in high school. Fast forward two years, I'm living in Los Angeles, I'm now in the public eye. My life has changed a lot.

I have a completely new group of people around me, and a lot of the people around me were using vapes and smoking cigarettes. And at this point, my guilty conscience around substances like alcohol, you know, nicotine, whatever, my guilty conscience had sort of died down a bit. I think part of that has to do with struggling with depression. Weirdly enough, I feel like that kind of killed my guilty conscience.

I just sort of became more careless about what I did to myself after struggling with depression. So anywho I'm in L..A. I'm around, a bunch of new people, everyone's vaping, everyone's smoking, everyone's drinking. And I still wasn't really that excited about participating in any of those things. I didn't necessarily have a guilty conscience around those things anymore, but I still wasn't that excited about those things.

But there were a few friends that were really obsessed with the vape, okay, they were obsessed with the vape. And I was hanging out with these people a lot. And I started sort of hitting their vape here and there, and then I started getting head rushes from the nicotine.

Because when you have a low tolerance to nicotine and then you consume it or you inhale it, it will give you a little head rush. You feel kind of lightheaded. And then one time with these friends, I'm hitting their vape a fuck ton, like more than I ever have before. I can't stop, I'm suddenly obsessed.

It just clicked for me and I was like, I love this thing, I love the way it makes me feel. It's not even doing that much, but for some reason, I can't stop and I love it and I'm hitting the fuck out of this thing.

And then all of a sudden I get so nauseous, like I've never felt nausea like this before. I thought I was going to projectile vomit, okay, and this particular day that I was hitting my friend's vape more than normal, we decided to go to dinner. And so when my body decided to get sick from all the nicotine I'd been consuming all day, it was when we were on the way to dinner.

And I'm like, Fuck, I feel so sick, I'm so nauseous, and I'm like, What's wrong? Well, it turns out what happened was I got Nick sick, as they call it.

It's when you consume more nicotine than your body's used to, and it just makes you feel sick. So a few months later, I'm fully emotionally recovered from my Nick Sick incident, where I thought I was going to projectile vomit from consuming too much nicotine. And I start sort of hitting my friend's vapes again, whatever, whatever. And I come to a point where I'm like, I should just get my own.

So I did, and once I got my own jewel, it was over for me. It was all downhill from there, totally freaking addicted.

Can't stop, won't stop, obsessed, my little companion always in my pocket, never leaves my side.

My pride and joy, yeah. I think the reason why I got so addicted was at the time. I was posting YouTube videos on a weekly basis, and I was spending 20 30 hours a week editing YouTube videos. And editing YouTube videos is really actually enjoyable to an extent, but it can be a challenge to sit all day at your computer and edit a video.

Now I know that sounds ridiculous because so many jobs involve sitting at a computer all day. But when I was, you know, 17 18, sitting at a computer all day was really hard for me. And it was just hard to motivate. You know, it was hard to motivate myself to sit there all day and get it done. But with a little boost of nicotine, I could go all day. I don't know why it helped so much, but it did. It kept me focused and motivated in a weird way.

So that definitely made the addiction worse. But also the fact that a lot of the people around me were doing the same thing made it sort of challenging. Because it was, it was like, this is normal, we're all using vapes, we're all consuming nicotine on a consistent basis. Like this is just this is just what it is, right.

Although what was interesting was my boyfriend at the time and his group of friends, because I had a separate group of friends from my boyfriend at the time. Him and his friends were not addicted to nicotine, and, in fact, they were repulsed by people who drank smoke. Did anything like that, even if, even if you know it was relatively innocent or harmless, they were so judgmental.

So judgmental. And I kind of tried to quit a few times to please my boyfriend at the time. But rule number one of quitting anything is you have to be doing it for you, or else it won't work. And so it never worked. When I would try to quit for like, 24 hours while dating this guy, like just to please him, it would not work.

So I would just not use my vape around him. And when I would get back into my car after hanging out with him, I would be like, Oh, thank God, and I would just absolutely disappear into my bliss with my fucking vape. On the way home, I was so excited because I, oh well, I didn't mention this, I did lie to him.

I told him I quit and I didn't because I couldn't. I was too addicted at that point, so I told him I quit even though I didn't. So that's why I had to hide it in my car. Because he was not accepting of it, and he was really, really mean to me about it.

Now, listen, I don't think he's wrong. Was I doing a good thing for my body? No, but I don't think the way that he went about it was very helpful. Because he kind of, you know, he was calling me, like, disgusting for it, you know what I'm saying?

He was like, You're disgusting, like this is disgusting, and you know, he was really judgmental about it. And listen, I'm not trying to say that I was in the right necessarily. In this situation, I was consuming harmful chemicals.

Don't get me wrong, but it was definitely not helpful because the way that he was kind of attacking me for it was just destroying my self-esteem. And it wasn't helpful in any way or empathetic in any way. Because it is not easy to quit nicotine, and at that point I was very addicted, like quitting would be incredibly challenging at that point.

And he would always say like, it's fucking easy, like it's not hard to quit, which is just ignorant. Because it's not true. It's not fucking true, it's incredibly hard to quit. And that's why the failure rate is so high.

Because it is incredibly hard to quit and he would call me weak and disgusting, and, you know, that's just not the way to go about it. That just made me feel worse about myself and it made me care about quitting less. Because, you know, the reason to quit is to take care of your health.

But if somebody is being really mean to you and telling you that you're disgusting and a piece of shit. Then that makes your self-esteem lower. And it makes you not care about yourself in your health. So, anyway, I hid the vape from him and it wasn't always successful. Sometimes he would smell it on me and then he would not talk to me for like hours or even maybe even days sometimes.

So, yeah, that relationship didn't last very long, but it was a challenging time. But it actually probably made my addiction worse, because once we broke up, I was like, Wow, I can finally have this again and not have to hide it from anyone. And so I almost came out of that relationship even more hungry for nicotine. Because I was like, I've been having to suppress this side of myself for so long. That now, having it freely is even more enjoyable, and I want to enjoy it even more and use it even more. After that point, nothing really notable happened in my nicotine journey, it just sort of became a part of my routine.

When I would edit YouTube videos, it would help me through, when I would be on a long shoot day, it would help me stay focused. It was also kind of like my pacifier, it was like my binky. Every time I was anxious, I'd get my jewel out, start hitting it.

It was something I used to reward myself, it was something I used to comfort myself and soothe myself in times of anxiety. It was this weird, consistent thing in my life, it was consistent, it was always in my pocket and it made me feel weirdly safe to have it around. But yet I didn't even realize that that was happening.

All of this was somewhat subconscious, and when I reflect on the first few years of my addiction, I see why it happened. I got addicted around the time when I became a public figure. This is not a coincidence. Okay, I moved to L.A. at 17..

I was ready to do that, but I also wasn't. There's no way to be ready for that. You feel unsettled when you first move out, you feel like the whole world is your oyster.

In a way that's really exciting, but in a way that's really frightening. Because you're so used to your tiny, little world in your hometown, and then all of a sudden the whole world is your oyster. It's overwhelming, you feel sort of directionless. What am I supposed to even do with myself? What time am I supposed to wake up?

Who am I supposed to be friends with? Should I get a boyfriend? What if my job doesn't work out? There's all this pressure and anxiety and fear and discomfort, and you don't feel like you have a solid foundation, and it's a scary time of life. On top of that, my job is being a public figure, to an extent, right?

It's an incredible job, what a dream come true, but it comes with a lot of challenges. One of those challenges is feeling really out of control of my identity. That's something I've struggled with my entire career, feeling out of control of my identity. That became even more real when I moved to L.A. Because when I lived in my hometown, everyone knew me as me, because they'd known me for years.

But then when I moved to L.A. everyone knew me from the internet, they knew my internet identity, which is somewhat the same person. But the difference between my online identity and my full identity is my full identity includes my entire life, who I've been for my entire life, people from my hometown have known me pretty much my entire life. And that's completely different than just seeing me on the internet and seeing only the stuff that I choose to put out there, it's different. And on top of that, people are able to say things about you on the internet, spread rumors, lie, whatever, and you can't control that.

So, on top of your online identity, already being just a sliver of who you are in real life. You can't control what other people are saying about you, and that also contributes to your online identity. And this was a really big challenge for me, and to this day it still is. But I think it was really tough when I first moved to L.A. so it makes sense to me that this happened when I first moved to LA.

The juul and nicotine was the only constant, comforting thing in my life that was tangible, right? I had the support and love from my parents, but I didn't live with them anymore. They lived a six hour drive away from me. I was alone. And having something that I could hold in my hand that would, for some reason, calm me down was incredibly valuable to me at the time.

And I would use it during stressful times, during emotional times, and I really never even tried to quit because I knew it wasn't going to be good. And I knew that because whenever I'd have to go an extended period of time without my vape. Like, if I would lose it, or if I would run out of pods, or if I couldn't charge it or whatever. After a few hours, just a few hours, I would lose it, I would lose it. Okay, I would immediately become emotional, irritable and just obsessed with figuring out how I can find nicotine in some form, in some way.

It was like, Chaos, desperate is an understatement. Okay, I'd call a friend and ask if I could run over to their house and grab a pod. If it was two in the morning, I would freak out without it.

You have no idea. It was so bad, it was so toxic and bad, I would freak, Oh my God.

And see, I never liked cigarettes, that's the funny thing about my situation with nicotine. I didn't get addicted to nicotine through cigarettes. I've maybe smoked three whole cigarettes in my whole life. Because every once in a while, like, take a little, a little drag off someone's cigarette. Is that what you call it?

See, I don't even know, because I don't smoke cigarettes, I just don't like them, I've never, ever liked them. The way it burns your throat is so disgusting to me, it tastes like shit.

It makes you stink. I just don't like it, I do not like it, do not like it, do not like it.

Do not like it. And it's just so ironic that. I became addicted to nicotine through a device that was created to help people get off cigarettes. But anyway, even as a non-cigarette lover, I'd smoke a cigarette. If I ran out of Juul Pods. I couldn't go more than 24 hours without nicotine. It was like, out of the question for me.

I spent a lot of time in the last two weeks analyzing my nicotine addiction, and something interesting that I discovered was. This is sort of a theme in my life. When I was a kid, I sucked my thumb, it was the way that I comforted myself as a kid.

I would suck my thumb and I would take a soft blanket. Or, more specifically, my favorite stuffed bunny's ear. And I would suck my thumb and I would rub the little bunny's ear on my lip. So random. But I did that until I was like eight, nine years old, and it was like my little secret once I got older. Because it's not really socially acceptable to be sucking your thumb anymore when you're a nine-year-old, and I knew that.

I knew that I knew that, but I couldn't quit. I was addicted to sucking my thumb as a kid because it brought me so much comfort and I was a very, very anxious child.

And it was the only thing that made me feel safe. But what's interesting is I was so severely addicted to sucking my thumb. It wasn't just like, Oh, this is just something that I do, whatever, but I could stop whenever. It's not a big deal. No, I was addicted.

I had to quit eventually because number one, it wasn't really socially acceptable anymore, and number two, it was destroying my teeth. Because when you suck your thumb, you're sort of pushing your front teeth forward and you don't realize that you're doing it. But over time, it causes an overbite.

Like, your teeth will start to stick out farther. And because I sucked my thumb for so many years, I had that issue with my teeth and with my jaw too. It was like partially a jaw issue as well, and I had to quit around nine, ten years old. Because not only was it not socially acceptable, but also I was actually having health issues from it, you know, severe mouth complications. And so I had to get all of these different orthodontic mechanisms put into my mouth to fix my jaw and to fix my teeth. Because I really fucked my mouth up.

And it was terrible, like not only was the process of quitting sucking my thumb terrible and upsetting and scary and challenging for me, but also, you know, the repercussions were terrible. Like having all of these metal bars and metal posts in my mouth and all these different apparatuses inside my mouth to try to fix my jaw. Oh my god, it was terrible, it was awful.

So, you know, I already had sort of a experience with becoming addicted to some sort of oral fixation and then having to quit. And this is the exact same thing, just adult version, you know? I was using the Juul as a way to soothe myself because I clearly have a tendency to develop oral fixations. And now that I'm quitting, I'm challenged by it, I'm really emotionally challenged by it.

I'm struggling psychologically, getting rid of this, it has been really fucking hard. If you don't know what an oral fixation is, an oral fixation is defined as an oral condition involving a person who has an unconscious obsession with their mouth. This obsession promotes the need to constantly suck or chew on something. The incessant desire to keep the mouth busy is an outlet to release nervous energy and to self-soothe.

So I am the poster child for oral fixation. I've actually, you know, if I look at my whole life. I've had more years of my life addicted to a form of oral fixation than I've had years where I had no oral fixation. Like it's been from my birth to 10 years old, with sucking the thumb, and then from maybe 10 years old to I'm rounding up to 10 years old. Because I can't remember, okay, I can't remember the exact numbers here anyway, from 10 years old to 17 years old. I, you know, I enjoyed chewing gum or chewing on altoids, whatever, but it was never like that was just. That's harmless.

So I don't even whatever. Basically, no oral fixations during this time that were an issue. 17 to 22 addicted to nicotine? I've spent 15 years of my life relying on this form of self-soothing, and you know, this time hurts really bad because this is clearly one of my major tools that I use to self-soothe. And it's gone.

It's gone and I could find something else, I guess, but I don't know. This is challenging me to look inward and try to figure out new ways to self-soothe. Because the whole oral fixation situation is not working out for me. But it's what I've been relying on for 15 years of my life.

So, you may be wondering what made me want to quit? Because I just described my experience thus far. And the main point of all of it was I enjoyed it and didn't want to quit. But obviously we're here discussing this today. Because two weeks ago I decided I was done and I was going to try to quit. A few months before I decided I was going to quit. I had been having a lot of anxiety about using the vape, like I just had a lot of anxiety about it, particularly health anxiety. I started to panic constantly about what it was doing to my body, and that anxiety became so overwhelming for me. One day that I just decided I have to quit.

I can't handle this anxiety anymore. And it's interesting because the reason why I was so addicted for so long was because it helped me soothe anxiety. But then it got to a point where my anxiety about my health became more than my anxiety about everything else in my life. So it wasn't helping my anxiety anymore. It was actually just making it worse and that was a huge wake up call for me.

And I just decided one morning I was going to be done. It started with the anxiety. But when I reflected more on the reasons why I wanted to quit, and I sort of dug into my brain and asked myself like, why do you really want to quit? I realized a big part of it, too, is that one day I want to have kids and I'm 22. I'm not going to have kids anytime soon, okay, but at some point, I do want to have kids. And I don't want to have to try to quit Nicotine when I'm like, 28 and trying to get pregnant, because trying to get pregnant is challenging enough.

It's stressful enough, adding a nicotine detox to that. Sorry, nope. I also wanted to do it when everything's fine, like, you know, my health is still fine. I'm not trying to get pregnant.

So there's no rush to quit. I wanted to quit now when I kind of have the time to do it, because feeling rushed only makes everything more upsetting. And I'm at a place in my life right now where I can really take my time and quit on my own schedule. If it takes me a year to quit, it takes me a year to quit, if it takes me a week to quit, well, spoiler alert it did not take a week.

Okay, we're still in this journey right now. Well, if it takes me a month to quit, it takes me a month to quit. At this point in my life right now, it doesn't really matter. And that's nice.

Having that flexibility is really nice. I also wanted to quit because I really care about my health. I don't take my health for granted anymore. When I was younger, I absolutely took my health for granted, absolutely.

And now that I'm an adult, I'm able to fully appreciate what a fucking blessing my health is, and listen, no one's health is perfect. But I have so much to be grateful for, so much to be grateful for. And I don't feel good about doing things that could possibly jeopardize my health. But I wasn't thinking like that. When I was younger, I was a bit more careless because number one, I was mentally in a bad spot for a while there.

But number two, I just couldn't even comprehend how much of a blessing health is. I also think I wanted to quit to help build more self-respect. To be honest, because I do think this addiction has fucked with my self-esteem a little bit. You know, I'm not proud of being addicted to nicotine, I am not proud of it. It is somewhat embarrassing for me in some ways.

I don't judge when other people are addicted to anything. OK, I don't. I don't care who you are, what you're addicted to. You're a human being and you know, we all have our shit and that's that. So when it comes to respecting other people, I am much more open minded and flexible, but when it comes to myself, I know what I can handle.

I know what I've been through, I know what I haven't been through, I know what I can handle, I know what I can't handle. And so I'm better able to judge myself and I'm better able to set the bar for myself because I have all the context on myself.

I know everything about me, not everything actually, but more than anyone else. And so I'm a bit more harsh when it comes to myself. Because I know that I don't need to have a nicotine addiction, I know that that's something I could quit, I have no excuse.

And I know that, and because I know that I have no excuse. By continuing the addiction, I was kind of destroying my own self-esteem because I felt somewhat weak for not controlling the addiction. I guess, and not being strong and quitting. So that's why I decided to quit, and I stand firm by all of those reasons. Those reasons remind me to keep pushing and to not give up on trying to quit. Because it has been one of the most challenging experiences of my life.

And I know that that sounds fucking crazy, but it has okay. There's been more challenging stuff, for sure, but this has been substantially more challenging than I expected it to be. I mean, it's been really fucking hard. And and I plan to make more episodes on this topic because it's just been such a journey and I want to talk about it. So I won't get into too many details on what it's been like to quit yet. Because I think I need to get farther in my journey before I can do that properly. But I'm getting through it and I'm really happy.

I am, and I know, I know there are a bunch of you out there with the same addiction. And so I'm just excited to open up the conversation about this. At a point when I feel like I'm at a good place with it because I'm quitting, I'm working on quitting anyway, that's all I have for today.

Stay tuned for an episode at some point about the experience of quitting. This is sort of my background story. At some point, I'm going to do an episode about what it's like to quit because.

Well, it is not. It's a journey and it's not a linear one. Okay, there are ups and downs and it's so hard, it is so hard again. I'm only two weeks into it.

I need, I need to get some more time under my belt before I can fully talk about it. But just stay tuned for that because it's definitely a roller coaster and I'm excited to discuss that at some point. But that's all I have for today. Thank you all so so much for hanging out and listening and spending time with me. it is always such a pleasure.

Check in Listen to Anything Goes every Thursday and Sunday, Follow Anything Goes on Instagram at Anything Goes, or on Twitter at AG Podcast. Follow me on Instagram at Emma Chamberlain. If you want to keep up with me, check out my coffee company, Chamberlain Coffee, if you want to pick up some coffee or tea or cute little accessories.

Use code AG15 for a little discount. And that's all I have. Thank you all so much for listening. If you currently have a nicotine addiction, I get it. I'm not trying to tell you what to do because that's none of my business.

But hey, maybe just let me plant a seed in your head. You can quit, you can quit, and so can I. And if we want to do it, we can do it.

But hey, wait till you're ready. Okay, no rush. All right, That's all I have. I'll talk to you guys soon. I hope you have an incredible day.