Synced: The Smell
2023-10-18 00:54:36
Hi, I’m Dax Shepard, and I love talking to people. I am endlessly fascinated by the messiness of being human, and I find people who are vulnerable and honest about their struggles and shortcomings to be incredibly sexy. I invite you to join me as I explore other people’s stories. We will celebrate, above all, the challenges and setbacks that ultimately lead to growth and betterment. What qualifies me for such an endeavor? More than a decade of sobriety, a degree in Anthropology and four years of improv training. I will attempt to discover human “truths” without any laboratory work, clinical trials or data collection. I will be, in the great tradition of 16th-century scientists, an Armchair Expert.
I am going Pamela Anderson style today. Oh. No makeup. Wait.
I should have. Okay.
I didn't plan. I didn't plan. You shouldn't feel jealous. I didn't plan it. I just didn't feel like doing my makeup or like really have time.
So I decided it was Pamela Anderson style.
It's Pamela Anderson style. What did you think about that? I loved it.
And, you know, when we had her on, she was wearing a full glam look. She also looked great, but there's something, especially with her background and stuff, there's a sadness around her history and the way she was this icon of beauty. My fear was that she felt she still had to be that and altering her face in such a way so that she could. And so I was so happy to see this. no makeup face.
that to me was so genuine and so beautiful. We just don't have to try to be what other people want us to be. That was my takeaway of it. What do you think?
I loved it. And when I watched her documentary, I did a deep dive, obviously, of like, I need to know everything about Jennifer Aniston.
They're not dissimilar.
Yeah. Yeah. Both my crushes growing up. I mean, I don't know if Pamela Anderson.
I was going to say. Was she?
Yeah. Well, Pamela Anderson, I think I was a little too young. Like, I mean, maybe not actually. Maybe we just didn't get Baywatch in Canada. I don't know.
But she was.
Well, it was either. I think you were probably a Carmen Electra girl or a Pamela Anderson girl, and you chose. You made your choice.
Yeah. But yes, she's stunning. And after I watched the documentary, I just was kind of aghast at just how beautiful she was before. Also, all of the changes, right? And just her natural beauty.
And again, people can do whatever they want. And then I've been watching The Golden Bachelor and you're seeing all these women, which clearly they picked a certain subset. I mean, Gary's beautiful. Like he's a beautiful man.
Gary is the main guy.
The main guy. Of course, his name is Gary. No, Monica, you don't understand. If anyone is going through something right now, start watching The Golden Bachelor.
I love it.
It just will solve all of your problems. It's just all very genuine. Like his wife, Toni, passed away. Because I rewatched the first episode after you asked me about it. I was like, oh my God, I need to like, pay attention.
And his wife passed away five years ago and he cries talking about it. And for many of them, it's, yeah, their second chance at love. It's never too late for love. And they chose very beautiful women. But there's this pressure to like keep looking young, even when you're not.
And it just feels nice to see women not trying to keep up with this standard and just being what they look like.
Who they are. Yeah.
And who they are. And us getting like used to that.
Yes.
Because the reason why women do keep up with these standards is that that's what we're used to seeing. Like cable news is a perfect example. When I go back to Canada, I'm always shocked that women and men kind of look more the same on cable news. Women aren't caked with so much makeup to stand next to men who have almost no makeup. And so that is just the standard.
and that's what people are watching and seeing. And so yeah, like we're just used to seeing women with a ton of makeup.
I devoured the supermodels. doc. Did you watch that? Oh my God, it's so good. It's four parts.
It's about Cindy Crawford, Naomi Campbell, Linda Evangelista, and Christy Turlington. And they're all back together. and it is so good. and it is so crazy to see the power of beauty. Those four embodied it in such a massive way.
But Linda Evangelista said something really great. I'm going to say it wrong, but she said something. like people say beauty doesn't last, but that's not true. Youth doesn't last. Beauty does.
And I think that's so accurate. And it is just changing our mindset of what that means.
Wow.
You should watch it. It's so good.
Okay, but let's get back to why you are Pamela Anderson style. Do you want to talk about it?
Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah. I was like, well, I have big boobs and yes, we did talk about it a little bit on Armchair, so it might be repetitive, but of course we have to talk about it here. This is where it all started. It was repetitive.
Yes. So I had my egg retrieval. It went well, much better than last time. For people who did not listen to Race to 35, you should go back and listen to it. But Liz and I did egg freezing together and I'd had a not great result from it.
I ended up with two mature eggs. And it's this whole process. I feel like if people don't know the process, it's confusing, right? There's, like, you hear, this number, then this number, and it's strange. But the whole purpose of all these shots you do, you do these series of shots over two weeks and the point is to basically get all your follicles to create mature eggs, which normally, in like a normal period, one follicle does that.
So in this case, you're trying to manipulate your body to have them all do it so that before you have your period, they can get them out and then freeze them. The number just dwindles, right? So you have this amount of follicles, a cycle. And last time I had eight, then they were able to get six out during the retrieval. Then they see how many are mature and only two are mature.
So you know, it was disappointing. This time, across the board, the numbers have been much higher, which is great. I had 15 follicles by the end of it, which is amazing. They got 12 out and seven are mature. So that's great.
It's a lot better than last time. And in context, it's extra surprising that it's a lot better, because the whole point is like the older you get, the harder. this is. I'm older than last time and my AMH levels are lower. So that was for a while like, oh, that's going to impact it, which I'm sure it still did.
But seven's good. And so nine total, which is great. I did talk about this on the fact check that I am in such a weird headspace with it currently, because, you know, when they call you and they tell you she was so great and it's like we have great news. Seven, much better than we anticipated based on these levels. And then she's giving all these percentages as they do.
And she's like, so you might feel like that's great for you or you could consider doing it one more time. And it's that whole thing, right? I turn into this like school girl where I feel like, should I do it one more time and should I do it one more time quickly, so that it's always this, did I really do it all? Did I really do enough? Like, if I don't do it this third time, will I think at some point, oh, I wish I had done that, just gotten over with and really known I had.
But then how many times do I have to do that? That's what I thought after the first one, you know, I'll do it again and know I really did everything I could do, get what I get. I bet if I had got two this time, or four or something, I probably wouldn't be in this headspace. I'd be like, OK, well, I do what I could do. And that is that.
But because it was sort of a good outcome and if I got a similar outcome again, then I would have this gold number that they want you to have, which is between 15 and 20, which kind of, quote, guarantees a baby and also nothing guarantees. I've watched so many people go through fertility stuff and IVF and so much, and nothing is guaranteed that I know people who've gone through this whole process. This process is easy for them. All of this. None of this is an issue.
And then, at the end for them in a different way, something happened. You know, this isn't math. It feels like I can control it. I can control it because there's a number involved. And I have to remember, that's not true.
There's something extra, there's something spiritual to this. that's much different.
Yeah.
So I am still sitting with it. But I haven't decided. and if I do it, and also my doctor is moving in December, so it would be fast. It would be like next cycle if I did it.
Oh, wow.
Also, I think for me, I would need to do it fast, because once time starts slipping by, you don't want to do it again. And this age thing, I got to just do it now. if I do it again. So I don't know. Wow.
OK.
It's so fucking expensive, though.
Yeah. They told me it was a different conversation, but similar of like, we're so happy, but we do recommend you do another cycle. I now I'm forgetting. I think I got 13..
13, yeah.
OK, 13.. And for me, I waited a little bit. In my head, I was like, how bad would it be if I didn't have my own baby, right? Like that. there are so many different ways to have a family.
And I still think that my preferred way would be to do it. What is it called? Like myself with my.
Yeah, with your egg.
And it'd be like, yeah, a biological child. Right. But I was like, if I don't have my own child, it's OK. Like, I won't be totally devastated. Yeah, yeah.
And actually, to your point, I'll be like, it's meant to be something different. And I'll lean into that. But do you feel 100 percent about the fact that you want a baby? that's yours? No, I'm the same.
I feel very much like what is meant to happen is going to. I don't, I don't really think I can control that. But now there's this added element. It's almost like this weird goal that I feel I can achieve, separate almost from what it represents, which is weird. It's now like, oh, OK, I've done better.
So now maybe we try one more time and see if, literally, like the S.A.T. It's like, OK, I took it. I didn't do that great. Let me take a class. Then I took it again.
I took the S.A.T. three times to, you know, see, how good can I get it? That's what's happening. And I recognize that's what's happening. And it's not really even connected to, because I really want a biological baby of my own.
It's not. Well, that's information.
It is. It's just tricky because you don't know how you will. Yeah, because when I think back to my younger self, I didn't know how I'd feel now. And I didn't know that I wished I would have done something like this much, much earlier in six years. What will I think about me now?
It's a mindfuck. I don't know that it's healthy to like spin out over.
Yeah, this applies to so many different things in in our lives right now, especially this constant self, not improvement, evaluation, yeah, self-evaluation and like, well, there's an available new technologies and even self-improvement with self-help books. And yeah. Oh, my God.
Optimization is like the word of the day. Exactly. Which is overwhelming.
It is. And it's really, I think, rooted in patriarchy and capitalism. And right. Like it's not rooted in humanity and how we're feeling and being. And, and so the fact that you're describing it as can I get something better, I think, makes me think what's motivating this, right?
Is the intention. I really want a child and I want to do whatever it takes. And, or is it? I want to do the best that I can? And because you've already done it, but not really.
I mean, I have. I did. I made so many changes and I did everything I could this time, which led to a better result. And the problem is, I could do this seven times. I keep going and going.
I could get one egg at a time and get to 15..
You know, I could. Yeah. It's like, when do you stop? I mean, it reminds me, honestly, of the original conversation about just beauty. And very often not to name names, but there are beautiful women that will start getting work done or whatever, and they'll just keep going and you can get carried away.
And again, it happens with beauty. It can happen with maybe with fertility. I don't know. You know, with whatever kind of ends up being this? not obsession, necessarily, but perfectionism.
It is. It is perfectionism. I want to be a perfect woman. Yes. Perfect.
It's one thing when it's your face or your body, or something. That's all in the mix. Perfect is more elusive there and means something different to each person. But a number is a number.
And I hate it. I know.
And I think that's almost appealing to me, because beauty is hard for me, because there isn't a perfect. I am an overachiever. I want that across the board. I never felt like beauty was going to be a thing that I led with or was going to be my calling card or whatever,
which is ridiculous, because you're fucking gorgeous.
But OK, thank you. But we know it's. it's like, I don't know.
I don't understand you.
I know. But you have friendship colored. No, I don't. Maybe that's what you see. Oh, my God, Monica, because I'm living in reality.
No, because beauty isn't objective, though. It is subjective. Yes, it's subjective.
We do have. OK, well, yeah, I don't want to get into conversation if I'm putting down anyone who doesn't look like you, but you you do fit a lot of the traditional standards of beauty.
Wow. I mean, that's really nice. I don't think so. Actually, correct. OK.
OK. But so anyway, it's fine. All to say, early on, I was like, OK, that's not going to be the thing. But then there are these other things I really leaned into, things I could control because I had no control over the physical. So.
I do lean in a lot to places I can be, quote, perfect, where I have actual control, like work, and now this feels like that.
Do you think that if you acknowledge that you are beautiful, you won't have to be perfect in all those other ways, because we wouldn't be feeling like you need to compensate for something that literally isn't true?
I don't know. Maybe it might help, but I don't see that happening, because it's been 36 years.
Never too late. It's never too late.
Golden Bachelors. Exactly.
Yeah, we all have our biases, like we all have warped, like ways of perceiving ourselves that are rooted in things that happened to us when we were kids. There's no other way to really put it. And for some people, it is an appearance thing. And that became what you latched on to as a child that was like, this is what's wrong with me. And for others, it's your self-expression or your gender or your sexual orientation.
Yes, you're stupid. And they had dyslexia and they didn't even know it. Or they grew up in a home where there wasn't the kind of support that they needed, or this math teacher was really mean to them. Like, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, for you, it was these singular, you know, experiences of structural racism that you had nothing to do with.
Right. Right. So what happened to us is not our fault. But I think it is our responsibility to change. It is.
Because you're an adult now and you deserve to love yourself. And to see yourself the way that everyone else does.
I agree with you. But I am a content person. I do like myself. I'm not walking around feeling like I don't deserve love or I don't deserve happiness. I do.
Beauty isn't the thing that fills me up. But I have other things that do give me self-esteem. And I think that's OK. Yeah. Right.
Of course. I don't think it requires me thinking I'm beautiful in order for me to love myself. OK. Right. I mean, physically beautiful.
But I guess I'm not refuting the idea that you should get self-esteem from who you are in the world and not what you look like. Yeah. But I do think that it's important to correct the flawed perspective that you have about how you look like. Does that make sense? It does.
Even if it's not important. I think it's totally not important. Right. I think it's only important because you think you're not.
right. Right. Right. By the way, I'm not being a victim here. Like, I don't.
I don't think like, oh, that's a monster. When I look in the mirror, I don't think that. I do think at one point in time I did. So, it's gotten better. But when I watch the supermodels, Doc, I'm not like, wow, I look like that.
I don't. And that is OK. We're not all going to look like that.
Sure. Yeah. I've had so many body issues and self-esteem stuff with what I look like. And maybe that's why I'm so. yeah, I notice it and I pinpoint it, maybe more than I should, because there's nothing I want more for you than to see yourself the way that I and everyone else sees you.
And I'm not saying that's a big source of suffering in your life or whatever. Maybe it's not. Maybe it is. Maybe it's something in between. But every time I hear it's like I'm hearing someone be like, well, the sky's purple.
And I'm like, no, it's blue. Like, I don't really want to spend this whole episode talking about the sky being blue, but like it's blue. Like, that's how it feels. where I just I'm like, whoa, it's like misinformation, you know, and I think some of your thoughts are misinformation. And all of us have thoughts.
For some of us, it's the majority of our thoughts. For some of us, it's half of our thoughts. But I do think it's important to recognize which ones are true and which ones aren't true. And maybe it's a constant practice to reaffirm what's true. And it can be really hard.
Do you remember when you because I mean, we've talked about it a little bit, but I don't know a lot. When you say you have body image issues, when did that start? Or has it always been like that? Is it still like that?
I don't love talking about it, because I feel kind of what you were saying. We're like, I sound like I'm a victim.
But it sucks, because these are all real feelings that people have and are allowed to have. If you're being told you shouldn't, this is what causes problems. Yes. What causes shame and problems is feeling like I shouldn't do this. I'm not allowed to feel this way.
And I hope that's not how it feels when I talk to you about it. No, no, no. Where it's like, well, don't think that. That's not the goal.
So this is a trusted space. It's not like when you tell me something, it's not like a commenter is telling me something. And also you're telling me something lovely. That's nice. It's not bad.
If you're hate, comments are like, you're fucking gorgeous.
Okay.
I don't remember not thinking I was fat. I literally have no memory. And this started, I was eight or nine years old, like really young. I was convinced there was something wrong with my body, kind of always.
You think that was in some ways connected to the bisexuality feeling? Like, do you think you just felt like something's wrong?
Perhaps for sure. The thing is that started, which is sad. This is also, I'm not a anomaly, honestly. I think body image issues start for girls around the age of eight or nine. They already start seeing themselves as fat or whatever.
But look, I definitely had an eating disorder. I used food to cope in the environment that I was in and food literally saved my life. You know how much I love chips and my whole obsession with chips? Chips saved my life. I could get emotional talking about it because it helped me so much get through what I was going through.
But the sort of residual effects of that, I think any person who has been through neglect or abuse or any kind of dysfunctional family system, almost 100% of the time as a child had some form of eating disorder, because it's the most readily available thing that can soothe you. If you don't have someone to soothe you, or you don't have the sort of proper support, or you're experiencing abuse, food, it'll modify your mood and for children, right? Yeah.
Children don't have alcohol and drugs and shopping and all of that.
Right. And some of them do. And thank God, honestly, that I turned to food again where I'm like, thank you, chips. But then I also shoplifted. Like, I turned to other things, for sure.
But yeah, I feel grateful that food saved me. And I also feel, oh my God, so much resentment and shame and anger, and, you know, I just. it takes up way too much space in my life and has taken up too much space in my life. Sometimes I'll feel differently about my body depending on how I'm eating. That's where I realized the warped way of thinking where I'm like, oh, I'm seeing something that isn't there because of what's happening in my head.
It's obviously something that so many women and, you know, a growing number of men are now sharing, that they also have experienced. Yeah.
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Do you feel like, so? if you are feeling overwhelmed or stressed in some part of your life, that you recognize the link that you then, quote, notice it in your body, like those thoughts start reappearing?
I mean, they're always there. And I think negative thoughts or any kind of thoughts that people are sort of dealing with, whether they have to do with food or they have to do with addiction, maybe people can share that they do fully go away. I think that they don't. I think that you just learn how to cope with them better and be kind to yourself. And one thing I found really useful, actually, was noticing how many of my thoughts weren't about that thing.
Because when you're trying to overcome something, you can focus on the amount of times like, yeah, I'll focus on the amount of times that I've thought about it. I'm like, man, like I'm still thinking about it, or that still came up. But then the reframing of that that was really useful for me was to be like, okay, 10% of my thoughts were that today, but 90% were not. And celebrating those things, I think, is really, it sounds very basic and almost childlike to be like, good for you, but it does, because then again, you can have a warped perspective of your warped perspective and think you're so much worse off than you are and not be focusing on all of the improvements and growth that you've had, on something that you're working on. So even for you, right?
That's kind of what you just said, right? It's not, there's some acceptance that a strand of that's never going away.
Yeah.
But that's okay, as long as it's not driving the ship. Yes.
And it can be in the backseat. And in certain forms of therapies, you actually develop like, okay, this is the child, or this is my inner teenager, even, right? And that's different from the child. The teenager is more rebellious and is like, well, fuck that. And we're going to eat all of this because we're not, you know, sort of rebelling against that really disciplinarian voice that comes out of the wounded child.
Anyway, there's a lot of different things that you can do to get some distance from it instead of just being like, oh, it's in me and I can't do anything about it. But it's hard. It's like, I feel for everyone who doesn't have a quote, unquote, normal relationship with food, like, and who does, you know, and in our society, particularly just in the way that food is manufactured to be addictive with chemicals. And there are scientists who are literally paid to figure out what will make you unable to stop. Yes.
And so, having compassion for yourself, whatever issue you might have around food or your body, you're not broken. You're growing up in a broken society that exploits those things for personal gain. Yeah.
But it's like what you said, not your fault. And you're the only one who's going to be able to fix it for yourself or get better.
And you're not stuck in that, right? Yeah.
That's what I want to sort of be careful about across the board, not just here, but in general, when we're talking about anything, acknowledging that things are societal and that they're problems and they're deep rooted is really important. But then I think that can sometimes lead people to be like, so, that's that. That's what it is. The end like sucks. And no, it's like you can acknowledge it and say, and so we still have to do better.
I have to do better. We have to come out of that, which is hard, but you can't just be okay with problematic thinking.
Right. And again, things that are not true, it feels true. And knowing what you have, a tendency to believe that isn't true about yourself is like a superpower, because then, yeah, you can be alert. So you've never had food issues.
I don't think anyone has a like, I don't even know what it means to be just like a super healthy relationship to food. But I think on the spectrum, I'm not obsessive about food. I mean, look, I can get obsessive if I'm in ding, ding, ding in an optimization headspace about my life. If I'm like working out every day intensely, then my brain will say, OK, so now you have to eat really healthy and you have to sleep. You know, it's like I'm trying to get to a hundred on all of the things.
But I would say food is a offshoot. That's not the first thing. So I've done that. I'm in and out of that. In and out.
Yeah. Oh, my God. I want in and out. Oh, my God. I'm getting in and out later.
I do use food, though, in some ways to regulate mood.
It is a mood modifier.
Yes. It's like so. after the egg, you sent me cupcakes, which was so sweet.
Did they write the thing on them? OK.
They did. It said, I'm so excited for you. I think it's what it said. It's really sweet. Really cute.
But yeah.
It's like, oh, my God, cupcakes. I deserve this. Right. I definitely do that. Oh, I'm going into.
Oh, I'm going into my retrieval. So I'm definitely going to have a. what am I going to eat before? Like, what's the fun thing to eat before? So yes, I am doing that.
Maybe that's bad. I mean, I'm. I'm honestly just thinking about this just now. Now that we're talking about it.
Well, then you don't. It's like. it's like, you know, and it's not obsessive. Exactly. That's great.
And I'm so happy for you. I think that's so wonderful that you don't. And it's so powerful to hear women who don't have food issues talk about their relationship with food. I think it's really healing.
I'm not someone that's like, I need to keep eating. I feel full, and I feel full even if I'm eating something I really like. So that I do think is lucky.
That's great.
And I don't know. I don't. that's not, Lauren. That's not something to deserve praise. That's just a chemical thing in my brain.
I mean, who knows?
It's not practice. It's just who I am. It's lucky. It's a privilege.
Well, for some reason, it was encoded to me, given just my circumstances and my personality, and, you know, all kinds of different things that all come together to create a beautiful person that we all become. But but I think that that's wonderful. And I think it should be protected and replicated. Like I, when I am around women who have a really healthy relationship with food, I could cry. It has such a positive impact on me.
And the opposite is also true. And that's why I worry about even talking about it, because I I want every woman and every girl to be the opposite of what's going on in my head.
I really understand that fear, but it's important to share these stories. For one, if anyone gets mad at anyone for their personal story, I'm like, fuck you. I'm sorry. You have, especially when it's someone on behalf of another group. I've become very hard to that where I'm like, people are telling their personal story and you have a problem with it, but you haven't experienced that personal story.
So fuck you. Like, you don't get to tell me about my own life and my own experience. And no one gets to do that to you. And I also feel like as much outrage as there is in the world right now. There's also so many people who need these stories and need to hear that they're not alone and that, oh, my God, I relate to that.
And that's me, too. It's it's worth getting the hits, in my opinion, for the positive.
Yeah. Other women sharing, and I'm saying women, but, you know, men and people. And in a way, it's funny, I think some of my relationships, men that I've been with in relationships, have been really healing for me in terms of that, because, and again, on average, men just have a way less weighted relationship with food, I think, than women do. Straight men I've been with. I know for gay men, it's different and there's different expectations.
But I think there was like a tick tock about it once, about this woman just realizing that, yeah, her boyfriend stops eating when he, when he feels full and like he, doesn't think about what he's going to eat. And he literally asked her, like, what a calorie was, you know, I wish I had that brain. But also, if I'm exposed to that brain, maybe my brain can start to change, too.
I will say we'll do a little asterisk. Some of the people who I know in my life, who have the hardest relationship with food, or the most dysfunctional, I guess, yes, the most dysfunctional are men. I have a lot of men in my life who I am shocked at the levels that they'll go to to have a specific body. I do think it's across the board at this point, which is so sad.
Yeah, it just looks different. You know, a lot of people have been saying this online, like we call them Jimbros, but they could fit into the definition of eating disorder and not know it.
And not only not know it, because we we've said, like, men don't really have that. They don't even have a category to go into for them. It's like, no, men don't don't have that.
Yeah.
Yeah, you do.
Totally.
OK, we have to get into some questions, but I want to talk about something very controversial,
which is probably a bad idea. So let's do it. So we're going to, we're going to try it.
OK, I don't know what you're about to say.
I'll edit it out. Also, this is for next week. So, who knows? I have a very real feeling that this will still be extremely relevant. But I want to talk about social media.
OK, so I feel really conflicted because there's horrors happening in the world right now. And it's so awful. It's so upsetting. All the words. And there's pressure to talk about it.
And there's fear around talking about it. Yesterday, I was on social media a fair amount looking at all this stuff, feeling like I need to say something, and partly because people are saying that we must. Right. And it's like, oh, my gosh, if I don't show that I care, then they're going to think I don't care. And I did.
I reposted something. And as soon as I did it, I felt what the fuck is going on, that we feel like this now, that if we don't present that, we care that we don't. It's OK to care privately. So I feel very conflicted about and I really just was like brushing my teeth. And I was like, social media is so toxic, like not.
I guess I'm the first person to realize that. But it is so bad. I have to be. I was confused at first because there were a lot of posts I was seeing that were saying stop defending terrorism. Like there was a lot of that.
And I was confused because I was like, who's defending it? Like, I didn't see that on my own feed, which is also this whole, it's algorithmic. I didn't see any of that. But then I saw Chelsea Handler had posted and I looked at her comments and then I thought, oh, I see, there is so much happening out there and it is so fucking toxic and so bad. Humanity is at stake and people are on their phones yelling at each other.
It is so scary. It's an added layer of horrible on top of this human atrocity.
Yeah, I obviously have so much to say, but I also.
But you're a big social media person. So I wonder, like, do you feel like this? Like, what the fuck do I do?
I posted and took down or never press send so many times. And I got to the point where, first of all, yeah, white space is white space. There's actually a tweet about this. that sort of represents what you're talking about, which is someone tweeting like, I love pancakes and someone in the comments below being like, how can you hate waffles? Right.
And it's that it's a conflation. It's a projection. Right. You like pancakes. And I've now decided that because of what you said about pancakes means something about waffles, because I'm thinking about waffles.
Right. So now I'm projecting that onto you. And now you have to defend why you don't like and you've never even. Right. So there's a lot of.
for me, it's like social, emotional learning and how to be in community and how to be with each other that gets lost online. And I also think we're really at a turning point where the digital space has become more important than the physical, real human space. So if you don't say anything on this app, nothing on this app that defines you as a human everywhere else is just wrong. Someone could not have posted a tweet because they're out packing groceries and essential items for the people who are currently under siege. Right.
So, and even saying under siege, I'm like, people are going to interpret that as right. And for me, the takeaway right now is that there's a lot of atrocities. And the thing to do right now is not to create more with ourselves and not to create more hate, more hate and disunity, because then, yeah, there's going to be atrocities here. This is infectious, contagious, 100 percent. Whatever I say, it will end up hurting someone who will take it in a way that I don't even mean it.
And I'm not an expert in any kind of and a lot of us aren't. And that's what I'm also seeing right now, which is a lot of people. I've kind of stepped away from it entirely, because I'm seeing people I love or that I work with, or that I just post things that are not in and again, are coming from an emotional, wounded, hurt, traumatized place. It's like, OK, let it out. But I'm not going to engage with that.
It's like we're all very upset and we're trying to have a rational argument.
Exactly what you're told not to do.
Yes. Take a beat and care for yourself, care for each other. And yes. But just love like this is the second I mean, I could like. second war this year.
Like we're going through. It is. There is I. Yeah. This is not the end of days.
Like it really is, just like it is.
It's the end of something.
That's my main. That was just my. the call to action for everyone to, like, show up on social media feels hard to me. It's very warped, thinking that if you are being presentational, then you aren't feeling feelings, or doing or doing stuff like exactly. So it's, it's just.
yeah, it's awful. It's all really awful. OK, let's get into some. Yes, let's do it. This one is a bit juicy.
OK. My husband's friend gives me PQs. What's that? Pussy Quivers. That's from armchair expert.
Oh, sorry. Oh, my God.
OK. PQs is Pussy Quivers. You know, the tingle. Sure. OK, this is anonymous.
My husband's friend gives me PQs big time. I'm not even sure why. But a physiological change happens to me when I'm around him or even think about him. I don't flirt across the line ever in real life as I don't have any feelings towards him. But my body tells me otherwise.
What's up with that? Huh. I feel like trying to repress a feeling like that is just going to make it way bigger. And so it's OK to acknowledge like, wow, my body is attracted to this person. How interesting.
I like that or I don't like that or what I like. Sit with the feeling and sit with why you're not acting on it, because I think things can be slippery slopes, especially physical attraction is so powerful. So I think you do have to be. Intentional about why you don't want to throw away your life for this fleeting, potentially feeling, and it's OK to have that feeling, you know what, you can't help it. Anyone who's ever liked anyone ever in their life knows you can't control that feeling.
It just happens.
Yeah, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I almost feel like if she had said, and I can't stop thinking about him and I have starting to develop feelings for him or whatever, I think it would be a little bit more complicated, even though I still think that's not necessarily a horrible thing to happen either, meaning I think crushes are OK and happen. Also, I've had that happen where I'm like, oh, my God, it must mean all these things, and I overthink it and I analyze it, and I it's no longer a fear about the original feeling. It's a fear around the feeling, about the feeling. Right.
And that's what actually becomes sort of my issue. Don't men feel attracted to other women all the time? Yes. Dudes.
Right, Rob? Yeah, it happens. Yeah. They watch naked ladies, and they like it as they should. Sure.
It's just life. Look, the truth is, I think it's unreasonable to think that as soon as you put a ring on your finger, that you will not be attracted to any other person in this life. It's that is a bad expectation, because it's not real. You will be attracted to other people. Your partner will be attracted to other people.
As long as you guys commit yourself to one another and say, like, we're not going to cross these boundaries. Right. But you can't say that the boundary is that you don't think about anyone else or that your partner doesn't, because they will. And then that's just disappointment.
I used to be so insecure that I would be with, I think, guys who would literally would be like, I don't see any other woman.
And you believed them? I believed them. I know.
It's ridiculous. I couldn't even hear about, like celebrity crushes. Like, I would start like obsessing about it because I was so. But really, it was about me.
I'm glad you brought that up, actually, because I have someone in my life who really struggles with this. She's married. And the idea that he would find anyone else attractive is really, really deeply painful for her. And it's about her. It's not about him.
It's her own feelings of not being good enough. And that is on her to fix. He can't fix it.
I also feel like sometimes it led me to choose people who weren't actually right for me, but they had that thing.
That you're so perfect.
Yeah. Which, you know, again, led to other issues, as you can imagine. I think that's such a good thing to notice in yourself. You know, if your partner is always talking about other, you know, there's a line, right? And again, acting on it.
Betraying the relationship that you guys have decided. You get to make the rules of your relationship.
Yeah. Yeah. She's not like staring googly eyes while her husband is in the room. Right. I think there's ways of respecting the relationship over anything.
But no, those impulses and those physical.
It's like they're natural. They really are.
And sometimes it's also, isn't it, pheromone?
Like, it's just something. It's chemical. Yes. That's real. You can't turn that off.
Yeah. And the opposite, too. Right. Having you been with anyone where you're like, oh, man, I wish like. we've talked about the smell.
There is a smell.
There's a smell.
Yeah. With certain people that like.
It's so strange.
So strange where you you go to kiss them and like it's almost like a milky.
OK, my smell is different than yours. OK, so the smell, I think it's pheromones. But there's a tiny part of me that wonders if it's a cologne. Like, because there's some people who I encounter it in this world who have this specific smell, but it's the same. And I'm so confused by it because I don't like it.
It's only men. It smells like a little spicy, which makes me wonder if it's potentially a cologne.
But it's only when you get really close, right?
No. Sometimes I can be sort of farish, not far like on the other side of the room. But like if you had the smell from here, I could probably smell it.
OK, wow.
But if you're really close, of course you smell it like you're hugging. And I don't know if it's pheromones or if it is a cologne, but I hate it. And what's crazy is I'm not going to give details on this. So there's a man who I'm attracted to. He has this smell.
I was so sad about that smell. And I was like, wow, he's not the one. He also isn't the one because he's, he's married and he's not really in my life. But that's real. These pheromones and these chemicals and these colognes, they're intense.
My smell is...
You said yours is milky. OK, also, yes. So you, OK, you were dating someone.
Can we? There's a lot of options. OK, OK, thanks.
Not in a bad way, but just like they won't figure it out. It's OK. You were dating someone. Yeah. You don't date too many people.
Don't say too many. OK, right. No, but you were dating someone and you thought, maybe there was a smell.
They had the smell.
We tried to do an investigation where we were going to do a group hang and then I was going to hug him. We were going to see if I smelled it. And then was that the smell that I smell? Or is that a different smell? Do I even notice it on this person?
So that if he smelled to you, then I would know it's his B.O. It's not the smell. Exactly. And if you don't smell anything, then I know it's the smell. Yep.
I would choose B.O. over the smell.
Oh, yeah. The smell is a non-negotiable.
You can't. It's like you're physically repelled. It's like oil and vinegar. Like you can't. I really would like people to share if they have the smell, because I feel like people don't talk about it.
If they smell the smell. Everyone smells the smell. Everyone who has pheromones. What I'm curious is, I think our smells are different, but there's no way for us to know. It's like, are you seeing the same colorisms?
Right, right, right.
I think that a lot of people talk about pheromones in a positive way of like, I'm so attracted to this person, but I feel like we don't talk about it in a negative way where it's like,
oh, I would like this person so great.
But you're physically like, no, our bodies, there's something with the pheromones don't match, or something. I know. It's so weird.
So yours smells like milk?
Milky. It's like almost like rotten baby milk. Yeah. Like what? Yes.
The smell from the milk. That's why I know it smells sour. That's why I know when milk is bad. You know immediately. I've had it happen with this guy I met at a coffee shop last year.
And like, it was so nice. And we were like cuddling and I didn't smell it. And then we made out and I was like, oh my God, it's the smell.
Really? You didn't notice it in the cuddle?
Okay. I will note that he was attractive, nice. And I wasn't really feeling a physical pull towards him. And I didn't really inquire. But once we made out and he had the smell, I guess it all makes sense now.
Yeah. I was like, oh, yeah, no, it's just not a fit.
It's not a fit. That's okay.
Yeah. It's just not a fit.
Wow. Rob, do you have a smell?
Yeah. Do you? Yeah. I know what you're talking about.
What is your smell like?
It's a little sour. It's not, I wouldn't say quite milky. Yours is sour. A little sour smelling.
Mine is not sour. It's pungent. Like. it's so strong and has this like spice to it. Ew.
It's like puke. It like makes me pukey.
I know, I want it.
Ew. I think I should go to Target and like smell a bunch of colognes. I have a weird feeling. it's a cologne.
It's just the Michael Jordan cologne.
It's like the most popular cologne. Axe body spray. What if it's Axe body spray? Oh my god. Or like Old Spice.
We should go to Target and investigate. That's the video for this week. Yeah, that's it. You guys testing a stinker smell.
I mean, if I find out that it is a cologne, I'll be thrilled. That's the easiest fix fucking ever. Then just, hey, actually just my nose really doesn't go with that cologne. Can you get a different one?
That's easy.
That'd be easy.
I wish I could have done that with the smells, my milks.
Okay, let's do one more. Do I tell my dad about my polyamorous relationship? This is from Jasmine. So my dad and I were very close growing up, but when I entered my teenage years, we drifted apart. He is a very conservative Christian and had a hard time seeing me mature from his little girl.
My parents separated and ultimately divorced when I was 16, and I moved from Louisiana, where my parents and I lived, to Texas, into my now husband's parents' home. We celebrate our 15 years together this June. My dad has never liked my husband, and there have been many blowouts between us. I even stopped communicating with him for about a year until my daughter was born, and he was diagnosed with stage four lymphoma, which he is now in remission for. About four years ago, my husband and I started dating our partner, Zach, and currently all live together.
Everyone in our family except my dad knows about and accepts our relationship type. My sisters are pushing me to tell my dad, but I really am having a hard time doing so. We only see each other a couple times a year when I visit Louisiana. However, he recently has been asking to come visit us in Houston to spend more time with me and our daughter. He really wants a relationship with his granddaughter.
I feel like I want to keep him at arm's length because of all the pain his conservative views have caused, but it's getting harder and harder to keep this quote secret from him. while we live openly to everyone else. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks. Thank you for writing in.
Oh, my God. This is so weird, but I got all these blood tests yesterday, and my nurse was a newly grandfather to his daughter who lives in Louisiana. It's so weird. Oh, my God. It's so sank.
Was it him?
He was like, oh, I really want a relationship with my granddaughter. Like, I started. What? This is so weird. It's so weird.
Oh, no. What if he's listening?
This nurse?
Yeah, because he now knows you. No, I didn't talk about.
I didn't talk about.
But he Googled you, and then now he listens.
I think he's busy.
Okay. Very sank. Yeah. This is hard. Look, I think, if he wants to have a relationship with his granddaughter, I respect that.
Like, I think grandparent relationships are very special. If they can happen, I think that's really great. I do think you should tell him if that's going to be the case. You can say, hey, I really respect and I'm excited about the idea of you being in more contact with. Julie.
Made that up. But we do have to tell you something, and it's up to you whether you want to move forward. But this is our choice, and this is what it is. And kind of give him the decision. I guess the problem is if he's like, oh, I hate that, but I'm going to still come anyway.
Then you have to draw boundaries and say, well, if you do come around, you have to be accepting of this and not place shame or any negative thoughts in our daughters.
Yeah.
What do you think?
I kind of feel differently. First of all, I noticed that she said that her sisters are the ones that are encouraging her to tell their dad. And so, again, what is the motivation? Is it that you're feeling a pressure from the rest of their family, or is it that you want to share this with him?
Doesn't really sound like that's the case.
That's where I'm wondering.
But he's going to find out if she allows the connection to the granddaughter. He wants to come visit them. They all live together.
Right.
So if he comes to visit, he's going to be like, who's that?
Right.
They can't send out the other partner.
No, I would just say we live with him. If you want to share this, and it's coming from a real desire to do this, then do it. Oh, my God, by all means. If it's a logistical thing, I feel like logistics can be figured out where maybe he doesn't come and visit. Maybe you go visit him at the beginning.
It's your daughter. It's your family. It's your life. So if you are not sure right now, and you aren't comfortable with him coming over because you haven't decided what you want to do, then go visit him. You don't have to...
Just because he wants to come and visit, it doesn't mean that you have to obey his desires. It's so funny doing this show with you and hearing from so many people, I guess I do side on not telling your family everything more than I thought I did. But I think that for me anyways, it can just come with more pain. If it's something that I've made total peace with, and I don't really care what anyone thinks, and I don't care what my parents think, then yes, do it. If you think that it will impact you or your relationship or your family in any kind of way, and that it's not this deep-seated desire to reveal this to him, then I don't know why you would do it.
Those would be sort of my follow-ups. I get that.
I just think it's hard to keep secrets.
That's true.
It just might be more of a hassle to be like, I guess I'll go visit them and then try to figure out a way to lie to say why he can't... You know, it becomes messy. In my opinion, you have to decide how much you care if he's in your life and in your daughter's life. If you want him to be in your daughter's life or you like the idea of that, I think it's harder in the moment, but it's easier over time to have a hard conversation or write a letter, maybe just so you have some distance from it, saying, this is the deal. We'd love you to be more involved in our life, but it means acceptance here.
So if you can do that, great. If you can't, great.
I do think that part is really important of not just here's this thing and then leaving the floor open for his comments, but, and this is what I need from you.
If you're able to do this, then you're allowed in, basically. Like you get, to make those rules and values. But I think if you're happy, secrets only make things less so.
Well, and it can reinforce the idea that there's something wrong. That's why I would have more questions too. If you feel so at peace with this, then yeah, do it. But if, if it has the risk of, of his reaction impacting her in a negative way, that's the only thing I would want her to be careful with.
But, and also if that person can't accept you, is it worth, you know, it sounds like this is already a tumultuous relationship, and obviously father, daughter relationships are so complicated and you want them to be so fruitful, but they can only be so good if there's not acceptance.
Yeah.
All right. Well, I think that's it for today, but we'll be back next week with some more juice eats. And this was super fun. See ya.
See ya.
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