Amish Brotherhood
2024-04-11 00:20:26
After 25 years at the Late Night desk, Conan realized that the only people at his holiday party are the men and women who work for him. Over the years and despite thousands of interviews, Conan has never made a real and lasting friendship with any of his celebrity guests. So, he started a podcast to do just that. Deeper, unboundedly playful, and free from FCC regulations, Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend is a weekly opportunity for Conan to hang out with the people he enjoys most and perhaps find some real friendship along the way.
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Com slash call Conan Okay, let's get started.
Hi Danielle.
Welcome to Conan, O'Brien needs a fan.
Hello Danielle, how are you?
Hi, I am so excited to be here, thank you for having me.
Well, we're excited to talk to you, Danielle. Where are you calling us from?
I'm calling you from land of the amish, Lancaster, Pennsylvania.
Oh, Lancaster, Pennsylvania. Wow. I mean, is that a fake background behind you because it looks almost too good, or is it one of those fake screens that you put up?
Yes, just ai. No, I'm just kidding. No, this is for you. I just cut some flowers because I thought you might enjoy them.
I swear to God, it looks so amazing, it does.
It's incredible.
I have complimented people on their homes and backgrounds, and every time they laugh at me and say, no. It's just a Zoom slide that you can put up a fake background, but that's real, it looks perfect.
Yeah, it's real. I wish I could ship it to you because I'm such a big fan, you know, I've been watching you every single night for 20 years.
No, you haven't really.
Yes, sir.
Religiously? Well, I was on for 28 years, so what was wrong with the first eight?
Oh, Jesus.
Well, I couldn't steal a television fast enough because when I was younger, I had to steal a television to watch you.
Did you really steal a television?
Yes, I did.
What do you mean? You wanted so badly to watch my show? You stole a television. I love you, I love you Danielle.
Yeah, I hope you won't mind. I feel a little bit nervous, but yes, I loved you so much and I was desperate to watch you. My parents were really, really strict, and so we didn't have cable. We had one television, no televisions in our bedrooms. But my grandfather had given us this travel television and my dad stuck it in the basement. One day, I decided to steal it and I put it in my bedroom and then at night I would record the show.
I would put headphones on so they couldn't hear it, and I would put a sheet over myself and over the television so they couldn't see the light of the TV.
I love this for Conan, Yes for Conan.
Yes for Conan.
I want to ask you something, Danielle, did your parents? They were opposed, be honest to you, watching any television, or specifically me?
I think it was any kind of popular television, so I would just go to the library.
So why did they have a problem with me?
I love when you do our work for us, I know.
Champagne Corks Kapang, Kapang, kapang, yeah.
Kapang It's not pop.
It's not good champagne, it's really flat champagne, Kapang.
You're also living in an oil drum.
So Danielle, that means a lot to me. Seriously, that's important to me. I like when people idolize me. No, I like when people enjoy the work I really do.
It means something to me.
I will bring out the bronze statue of you next time you have me back.
Well, thank you so much and tell me a little bit about yourself. What do you do?
Well, I grew up as an actor in the theater, and then you know how life goes, you get married, you get pregnant. I moved on to do some film and television, some for NBC. I was on the worst television show that NBC ever produced.
Which was.
Like a real do no harm.
Do no harm, I know that one.
No, what's that?
You might not have heard of it since it was the worst one.
NBC had a show called Do No Harm.
What was it?
Yeah, it got canceled after two episodes and that was like the fastest cancellation ever.
So it did some harm, yeah.
Did some harm? Was it about the medical profession?
Yeah, it was like a Jekyll and Hyde story.
Oh my god.
So anyway, I did that for a while, but you know how it goes. Not enough money. So we ended up moving and the property that we moved to was owned by an Amish man who was farming here. So I thought, Well, this TV thing's not working, let me try selling cut flowers.
And that just kind of took off.
Wait, are those your cut flowers behind you?
Yes.
I sell cut flowers for a living. They are distractingly beautiful, they're amazing, they're really good, and the vases?
They're called vases.
They're called vases.
The worst people? So those are really nice. So you are a professional flower, you grow them and then you cut them and arrange them. Is that correct?
Yes, I grow them, I cut them, arrange them, sell them. And now I work for different companies to do their photography, videography and just write about the plants in general, how-to articles, disease and pest management stuff like that.
So you start off by saying, you're in the heart of Amish country, Lancaster, Pennsylvania, so you are not Amish yourself, but you work with the Amish. Is that correct, or you must sell to them, you must see them around?
They're probably everywhere, right?
Yeah, yeah, our old landlord was Amish. The man who owned this property was a shunned Amish man. shunned. Yeah, he had been shunned.
Why? what did he do that got him shunned? Do you know?
Well, after that he went to jail, so I don't know if it was like a similar offense or not.
Wait a minute, hold on. So he did something that first got him shunned by the community, the Amish community, and then the police said. This is more than just shunnable, shunworthy.
Shunworthy? He needs to go to prison. Is that what happened?
Yeah, apparently he went to prison, He was, I think, 70 years old and he was stalking a 19-year-old.
Oh my god, oh, that's not good.
But he didn't really believe in the restraining order or anything, so he just kept going back to her over and over again.
Why? Yeah, I don't believe in your Western ways. With your restraining order, do you think there's an Amish gang in prison?
Oh, like the Amish brotherhood, yeah.
Yeah, that's actually a fantastic idea for a TV show, better even than do no harm. Sona. I'm setting us up a pitch meeting at NBC because God knows, I'm welcome there.
Those do not harm.
Yeah, the Amish Brotherhood, the Amish Brotherhood. Hey brother, do you want to join the Amish Brotherhood? I don't know.
The Latino gang has asked me this, of course.
We've learned how to jerry-rig into a jailhouse barn building.
We make the best toilet wine.
Can you imagine having to tell the neo-nazis and the really tough Latin gangs and stuff? No, no, no, guys, I've made my decision. It's the Amish gang, yeah.
I'm going with Ezekiel, Lazarus and Zebediah.
That's crazy enough to work.
So that would be the gang to be in because they could build a catapult that would get you out of the jail. Oh yeah, they're good at building stuff.
Their shanks would be great.
Yeah, their shanks would be very good, they'd be made of beautiful wood. Danielle, I feel like we left you out of the conversation and that's just rude and you're here. And maybe because the three of us are just acting like idiots about the Amish, and we shouldn't, we should know about the real Amish people.
You're there, tell us about them, what's it like? What are some of the misconceptions?
Well, I think there's a lot of misconceptions about the Amish, you know, my Amish landlord used a cell phone. What? And, of course, when they go on Rumspringer....
Did he carve it? did he make it out of wood? Oh boy.
He even asked to use my cell phone.
I didn't know they could use cell phones. That just seems wrong.
Yeah, so what is the? I thought they were supposed to kind of eschew modern technology.
Or avoid it.
I was looking for a better word because I didn't want to sound like a fucking prick, and it's all that could come to my head.
No, no, but....
You're so right. But Danielle, You're so right. But Danielle, it is common. The common conception is that the Amish eschew....
I knew how it sounded when I said it.
Various....
Oh, I hate myself. No, don't. you can't hate yourself more than we hate you, I know.
I try and I try.
So, Danielle, they can use cell phones. The Amish.
I see them using cell phones all the time, I do business with them and we talk on the phone. Some of them use the internet now because they'll say, Okay, what values do you want this year? And they'll go on the website, the business that I work for, and they'll tell me. But a lot of Amish kids on Rum Springer, they love Mountain Dew.
They love to smoke cigarettes.
They love mountain dew, You know what's fascinating of all my friends who's obsessed with mountain dew and drinks it all the time? Jack McBRAYER Oh, that's right, Jack McBrayer loves mountain dew, and he's obsessed with mountain dew.
And I think he likes diet mountain dew, which is hard to get.
I know a guy.
Yeah, and he knows a guy that knows a guy, but it's so funny because of everyone I know. I mean, the cliché about Jack McBrayer would be that he's the country Rube. He's more or less played that part over and over and over again, in his real life and in TV and film. But the idea that he loves mountain dew and that it's the drink of the Amish as well is fascinating to me.
Yeah, so amish on rum springer, they'll be drinking mountain dew, smoking cigarettes, and they like rap music. So we live on a main road where I sell cut flowers. And they'll just drive by really, really slowly in their buggy with the rap music. So you can hear an entire rap music play as they drive by your house.
Amish teenagers go by whacked out on mountain dew, and they're listening to, they're blasting rap from their buggies, their horse-drawn buggies.
You know, like old school, like Eminem, like slim shady.
Do they put hydraulics in their buggies so that they can do the kind of lowering?
I wish they did.
I'm curious, too, is the horse kind of keeping the beat? You know what? I mean? There's a horse there, does the horse? Has the horse got a little swagger?
Yeah, yeah.
Like is the horse on Rum Springer as well?
Yeah, what I'm saying is the percussion section. I'm just curious. The horse is a living, sentient creature, and it's listening to this rap, and after a while, maybe the horse is like, I get it, you know, I like it. They do horse dance.
What's that? you mean? Dressage? Yeah, do not eschew dressage.
Do not eschew dressage. Yeah, maybe somebody's doing rap music for dressage. Wow, this is amazing. This is opening up a whole new world of, I'm getting this whole new view of the Amish. They're on the internet, they're answering their cell phones, they're listening to loud rap in their buggies as they go by.
The horses are swaggering to the beat. I like it, I like this whole thing.
It's just fascinating. I don't know anything about that world, and maybe it's time I did know. What about the beards? Do they all have beards?
You have a beard when you get married, so instead of wearing a wedding ring, you grow your beard, really to show that you're married.
That's interesting.
What's the deal? They often have, like neck beards, but no mustache. Is that just a trend?
Yeah, and none of them have the mustache, so I'm not sure why that is.
I think it gets burned off by whatever's in the mountain dew.
Mountain dew is very acidic, and so if you're a big mountain dew drinker, you'll burn off your mustache. It's an old, old thing, that's not true. I did that for the lawyers.
This is fascinating, I'm learning a lot.
Do you have a question for Conan Danielle?
Yes, I was wondering, Conan, would you ever consider becoming amish? what would your name be, your profession? and do you think you could answer in a Pennsylvania Dutch accent?
Oh my God, Jesus. This is like a serious Senate hearing slash homework assignment.
The podcast will now recognize the gentleman from Boston.
Yeah, I want to hear what it's like, go ahead.
Yeah, don't you know a while? I'll just set this here a while. They always end everything with a while.
So it's a little bit of a Canadian thing, a little bit, kind of.
It sounds very Canadian to me.
And then, for a while, yes, Pennsylvania, Dutch and German.
Okay, it's like German meets Canadian.
Okay, you better listen to me, I'm going to see hockey.
What the fuck is that?
I am in control now, I will take the Autobahn to Toronto and then I'll eat the pancake with the Wienerschnitzel. I'm trying to combine these two cultures and it's very difficult, okay?
They seem very opposite, but I'm doing the best I can.
You're doing a Nazi job of the hunt.
Yeah.
Things must be put in their place, eh, anyhoo?
Let's go and watch on my wooden TV, Do no harm, all one episode.
Okay, I don't know Daniel. I did the best I could. Would I consider being amish? No.
They lose me at the buggy, I can't go around in a buggy, I just can't.
It seems like you'd kind of somehow have fun with a buggy. I know you're up on that front thing.
Oh, I do all that fake, old-fashioned talk that I love, but no, after a certain point, I don't want to be looking at a horse's ass all the time. You could build stuff.
That's what I do every day.
Okay, I eschew your sense of humor.
You live off the land.
Oh, no, listen, there's like a purity to it. Are there Amish strip clubs, do you know?
Well, you never know what goes on underground, so never say never.
The Amish strip club starts with them naked, and then they slowly get dressed.
Or they take off other layers until they get down to giant OSh pogosh overalls and boots, and they never take those off. But they still twirl around the pole. Whee.
I don't know, I don't think I'm built to be in any culture. That's maybe too restrictive, as everyone knows, I'm a very wild and sensual man.
You'd fit right in.
I would fit right in. What are you talking about? I'm a Catholic.
No, I don't think so. I just don't think that's my lifestyle. Do you know what I mean? I don't know, I can't do it.
I don't think I can be Amish.
Would you ever be a flower farmer?
What are you proposing exactly?
She's proposing.
I'm literally proposing.
Yes.
I've got to talk to my wife, but I think she is done with me. I think if I said I'm going to go be with Danielle in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, she would say, I see you sucker.
She would be quite delighted. I don't know, don't? You have to have great patience and sort of balance and an eye for real beauty to grow flowers and cut them?
I think you do have to have a lot of patience because it's more about a lot of things go wrong and trying to fix it than that moment of beauty. When you cut the flower, there's so much behind it.
I would be in the greenhouse just yelling at the flowers. If they weren't growing fast enough, I wouldn't yell at them. I'd be very passive-aggressive. Hey Begonia.
Nice job growing begonia. If it was going kind of slowly, what are other flower names? Tulips, right?
Look at the tulips. These are all different kinds of narcissus.
Oh, I could do well with those. There you go, I am narcissus.
Hey Daniel, my parents owned a Conroy's Flowers growing up, and I worked there for many years.
No way that's awesome. Is that a well-known chain?
Yeah, that's like the Big Flower Chain, or it was.
I'm not a flower guy, so I've never.
You're not a flower guy. Well, yeah, shoo them.
Were you good at this?
I wasn't like a flower farmer, I would deliver flowers, process them and occasionally arrange them, but not very much, and then work in the store.
You tell a good story.
I'll cut that out.
No, leave that in Eduardo, don't let him cut that out.
I'm the final say on this.
Eduardo, please come on. That was great. Also we got an insight into who you are.
But it's not a good insight.
No, I know, but you helped Iran, you're a good guy.
Sinking this ship go on without me.
You're a good guy, I don't know, I'm just trying to keep him talking.
There's a chance we could help him.
Can I move to the Amish peoples?
Danielle, remember that? Do you remember the movie Witness where Harrison Ford has to go hideout among the Amish?
That was filmed here.
Who was the actress in that?
Kelly McGillis.
Ronnie Cox, Danny Glover.
Lucas Haas.
Jesus, look at you.
Can we just go to the Amish and hang out with them? Sure, they'd be happy to see you. Why don't we do a summer s'mores from Amish country? That would be good.
Oh my goodness, you definitely should.
I do love that area of Pennsylvania. I think it's absolutely gorgeous. Pennsylvania in general is a beautiful state. I would like to go there. I do like to meet all kinds of folk from different cultures.
I like to try and blend in. I should probably do an amish segment that would be fun. I'd look good in the beard. They won't know who you are.
You think they would? I don't know. Of course they would. Danielle's not Amish, but she'd have to steal a TV to find out who you were. Everything we've heard so far. If they're blasting slim shady, they have a love for the 90s.
I'm quite sure that they've built statues to me, oh, statues to the friends cast, anything 90s they've idolized.
They're about 30 years behind.
Yeah, I'm just coming into my own there.
Danielle, it's been really nice talking to you. It's so nice to meet you after you were so devoted to me for such a long time. I do appreciate that. Seriously. She watched the show. That's how I feel.
I wasn't laughing at you.
Go on.
I'm messing it up so much.
What are you doing? Are you having a mental breakdown? I think so, I apologize, don't apologize.
You're a wonderful person, a real good guy, Danielle. Nice to talk to you. Best of luck to you. I look forward to meeting you in person.
You never know.
That would be a dream. Thanks everyone.
Bye-bye.
And Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
Take it away, Jimmy.
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