Would You Like A Selfie?
2023-09-07 00:19:53
After 25 years at the Late Night desk, Conan realized that the only people at his holiday party are the men and women who work for him. Over the years and despite thousands of interviews, Conan has never made a real and lasting friendship with any of his celebrity guests. So, he started a podcast to do just that. Deeper, unboundedly playful, and free from FCC regulations, Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend is a weekly opportunity for Conan to hang out with the people he enjoys most and perhaps find some real friendship along the way.
Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcocoa.com. slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started.
Hi Kayla, Welcome to Conan. O'Brien needs a fan.
Hi guys, I'm just hiding myself really quickly. Oh, you know, you can click the dots and hide your own face on Zoom.
Oh, oh, but we can see you, we can see you perfectly great.
No, that's that's ideal.
You just didn't want to, you just didn't want to see yourself.
Precisely, yeah.
KaYLa You and I have a bit of a history and I think that we should come clean. Recently, on a trip to New York, I take trips to New York to do some podcasts, other business. And I was walking down the street with my good friend of many years, one of my oldest friends, Eric Reif. I think we were near Moma, is that right?
Kayla.
Very near Moma, you were almost inside the museum, yeah.
I tried to go inside, but it was immediately escorted out. Most good museums, they know the scoop, and they escort me out immediately. But Kayla and I, you and I had an interaction and we chatted for a little bit. And it was interesting because I think maybe the essence of me came out in this interaction. Is that fair to say?
All the contours of your personality were there, yeah.
Well, I'm going to take that as a compliment, even though it really doesn't sound.
No, and I remember we chatted for a little bit. And one of the things I had to do was an upfront where there's an audience. And I actually recounted my interaction with Kayla in front of this audience and it got a big laugh.
And you've talked about this on the regular show as well.
Yes, exactly.
You want to do a brief recap?
Yeah, briefly run into Kayla. She professes, anyway, to be a fan of the podcast, we chat briefly. And then I thought, usually people would like to commemorate it with a selfie.
And I said, Would you like a selfie? and she said, No, I'm good.
And my friend thought that was really funny, me less so. No, I. And then I said, I don't know. I think I didn't let it go immediately. The idea of the selfie, and then you didn't.
I think not well, Kayla, you were there. I think Kayla, you were there.
That's why we're here today, yeah.
Kayla's here as the witness, and you mentioned that this need to please. Neediness that's in the title of the podcast came out in that moment. Is that what happened?
Yeah, I wanted to let you go first so that I could give the honest account of what happened because it was a little different than that. Okay?
All right.
Very similar, No, I'm an enormous fan, I love you guys, I listen every week, I've been a fan for years. And I was leaving work at this unusually late hour.
I'm normally not there around dinnertime, and I was on the phone with one of my best friends, Olivia, and I was walking out of the staff. Kind of exit and I'm in the revolving doors and I see this person peering in.
And I felt that I was having a fever dream at first because I thought that I like, drilled you into existence. And I got out. And I'm in my head, I'm like, you've got to be kidding me. So I said to my friend, just hold on a second, and then I turned to you. And I just. I wanted to say how much I love your work and the show. And you were so generous and kind and standing there to talk to me and everything. And then you said, So, do you want to take a selfie to show your friends?
And I felt at that point like I was already such an imposition, having stopped you guys. You were looking for the Modern, which is the restaurant at the museum.
Can I stop you for one second and say? When I was peering in, there's a restaurant in the museum, or adjacent to the museum, or associated with the museum, called the Modern, right? Yes, and so my friend Eric said, I think this is the restaurant, and I was peering in through the glass. Now, of course, you just see a tall creep peering in at you as you're trying to exit the building. I was looking to see, is this where the restaurant is?
So I'm clearing that up first of all.
It's interesting you left that out, though, when you were first telling the story.
Well, I often peer.
That doesn't make it better.
I'm someone who peers to see what's going on inside.
And I like to peer, and I like to furtively look around.
But anyway, that's what happened. So we had a nice chat. I thought, maybe, and then you thought that was too much of an imposition on me.
Yeah, I didn't want to impose. I blacked out as soon as I saw you because you're literally my hero. And I didn't remember anything that I said in that moment. So I said, I guess what I said was I'm good and then that's not really my style, and then your face just totally fell.
I felt.
I really wanted a picture with you.
You made me I felt really sad, and then I said, Why do you want a selfie? and then you said.
Yeah, I really do.
I do, it's true.
And so then you still didn't take a selfie with him?
Well, actually, I think you blacked out, too, because.
Oh, we did get a selfie.
Yay.
Okay, so here's the crazy part.
You're so happy in that picture.
I am happy because I finally got the selfie.
Your own reimagining of this made you think of it the worst possible scenario.
That's what often happens. Yeah, my inner voice is quite negative, but we did eventually get the selfie. But then, Kayla, you're leaving out the real O Henry twist, which is several weeks later. I'm back in New York to do these other podcasts.
And I hear, Oh, hi, Conan, and it's Kayla. Oh, and we're in a different neighborhood, we're not even in really quite the same area.
KAYLA That's suspicious.
Yeah, that's a little, and this time you were peering at me, to be frank.
How do you answer these charges, Kayla?
You were on my block.
Oh, I know, Oh God, Conan.
I don't like being a party to anyone.
I won't name the venue because I want to preserve both of our locations. Which you go there, I go there, it's literally right next door to where I live. And I was walking by to go home and walk my dog. And you walked out and I was like, Again, are you kidding me?
And I started laughing. And then you looked up and I think you were kind of like, All right, who is this person? and you kind of said hello? And I said, sorry. Actually, we met last week.
Yep, and then you said, of course, and then we sort of started chatting again.
And I asked you again for a selfie, You want another one? No, so we anyway. Yes, we started chatting, Yep.
Well, but what I was going to say was what was funny about the first interaction is. I was on the phone with my friend and she was on the phone the whole time. So when I got off, when I left you guys to go into the restaurant, she was able to tell me line by line what happened.
I'm thinking she had called the police.
No, and it required zero explanation. Because you have the most recognizable voice. And so, she said, that was the most extraordinary interaction I've ever accidentally overheard.
That was funny, but, you know, because then we were chatting and that's the second time we ran into each other. And I said, OK, now we have to have Kayla on the podcast. This will clear up.
And she refused.
And she refused. Just know I'm good, but I know where she lives.
Yeah, so this is just. It was all a happening. It was all just a happening and I was very happy. I mean, clearly I love our fans, I have great respect for our fans.
When you meet these very smart, cool people who like the podcast, I'm a happy, happy guy, so you know, that's it.
How much did it? It clearly bothered you, though, that she said, No thanks, I'm good when you offered her a selfie.
I didn't let it go. Clearly. I mean, yeah.
You promised her a spot on this podcast. That's what we haven't heard is there was a negotiation.
Yeah, she's also getting $400,000,.
Which I have to wire into a Swiss account.
You heard it here, listeners, you can extort Conan for money.
By just refusing a podcast selfie.
No refusing. One withhold the selfie and then demand cash.
So yeah, I think I'm going to just keep running into you, then that just feels like, what's going to keep happening?
Yeah, I checked my bag after our second run to see if you dropped an air tag in there.
Well, they make them, they're pretty small now, yeah.
It looks like a hair clip.
You know, you drop in like one of those bank robber ink bombs, you know?
Oh, that explode. No, I would not do that, I would never do that to Kayla, Kayla, what kind of dog you have?
I have an Italian greyhound, I adopted her during the pandemic.
Oh, wow, is that a fairly large dog? I would think it is?
No, it's very small, it's the smallest of the greyhounds, okay?
Is it like a dog you can carry?
She's asleep right now.
Oh, you can carry this dog.
Yeah, I can carry her, she kind of, like, you know, folds into a little paper crane size and just put her in my bag.
Does she make painful noises? Do you fold her into a crane?
Well, she's a very compact dog, she's wonderful, but she actually, you two have a lot in common, I think, personality-wise.
In what way? What way am I like this very small dog that can be folded into any shape?
Well, I mean the phenotype, you both have this very athletic, long-legged, barrel-chested, purebred appearance, purebred.
Yeah, check me. Thank you very much. Kayla Crack of a barrel chest. No, no. In real life, I take good care of the physique.
Extremely athletic.
I'm sorry, let her go.
Let her talk, I'm sorry, yeah, what else?
We have to interject. What about my eyes?
We're fact-checking some of this stuff.
And then the personality-wise you both are.
You're the two neediest creatures I've ever met that checks out there there.
Now we're on the right page.
Oh, so, now Kayla's allowed to expound at will. Oh, I'm sorry.
You are extremely athletic, yes.
What are you talking about? You ever see me mix it up in a bar fight?
No, I've seen him flail his limbs like one of those car things. yeah, car dealer things.
Thank you, Kayla. The secret is, I am athletic when I think it could be funny. But if there was a game that I was in where I needed to put a ball in a hoop, it wouldn't go well. But if it's funny, I can do it okay.
I can suddenly become.
Do you think that's fairly true?
That actually.
It's amazing how much athletic ability you have when there's a camera pointed to you and you think you could get some yucks out of it.
Some yucks, or some chuckles, some chuckles, yeah, or the occasional chortle.
Well, Kayla, we're going to edit this so that there's no mention of my neediness. Oh so there's going to be no editing. It's going to be on repeat that I'm barrel-chested athletic.
It's going to be a three minute.
I'm never going to add a voice that's clearly not yours, saying, with those smoldering eyes, Oh, no.
With those smoldering eyes.
Like, he was very fake.
And a winning personality.
Also, your personality was so winning.
Bring him home to mom.
Kayla, you're a very cool person. you really are cool and cool. What's that?
Cool and cool.
Cool and cool, Oh yeah.
What did I say?
You're a cool and cool person.
You are.
Oh, is that what I said? Is that?
Yeah, you got to come up with another adjective.
I don't know, I was just going off. Kayla Well, I think she's incredible, I think, yeah.
You seem like a really cool person. Oh, come on.
We just needed another adjective, and that's what you come up with.
Sorry, let's find out some more about Kayla. Poetry is being written right here.
Kayla, Do you have a question for Conan?
Or for anyone here.
Yeah, well, do you know anyone in the State Department who can help expedite a passport?
You've come to the right place.
You've come to exactly the right place. Who are we trying to help? What country?
Me, the ask is on behalf of myself.
You want to go to another country.
Yeah, I didn't realize my passport was expiring in August, and it's really, it's tough.
I know how to do this if we're in August.
Yeah, if we're in August, you still have time.
This happened to me in London, two and a half hours before my flight. I lost my passport, so just say you lost your passport. Go straight to the U.S embassy and they'll make an emergency one for you.
But how do you get on the plane?
Now there's a record of this.
Well, first of all, who's really listening? You're right, and second of all, no. But that would work, I think that would work. And what are the chances that the person in the embassy is going to say, Wait a minute, your Kayla from Conan O'Brien needs a fan.
Yeah, we know.
That's not going to happen, right? Where are you going?
No, there's a ton of Kayla's out there, there's no distinguishable characteristics where they could find me.
I know where are you going? Can we come?
Yeah, what country?
I'm going to Japan, Do you want to come? Oh, I love Japan.
That was where I had my honeymoon.
Really, yeah, it's an amazing country, actually. In all seriousness, I would like to request you, when you were talking about our initial meeting on the podcast, you mentioned that. You had a courtroom artist do a drawing of the two of us, and I was wondering if you could follow through on that and actually have a courtroom artist.
We can do that, sure.
Let's get, let's have that, Blay. Can we have that taken care of? Yep, it'll, I'll get it done, we'll get a courtroom sketch to do. A rendering of me asking you if you want a selfie and you saying No, yeah.
Perfect, and I'll have it on my wall at the Museum of Modern Art.
That's very cool.
Yeah.
Well, not in the museum, like in her office, probably.
We'll probably hang with the other works of art next to a Warhol soup can. Okay, all right.
There's some pictures, it'll be one of those in the back of her.
Oh, those are quite nice. Yeah, those are nice. I'd be pleased. I'd be pleased to hang on Kayla's wall at any time. I've already peered through the window at Kayla.
I might as well be there 24-7.
Kayla Your wish shall be granted. We'll get this online.
And I, it's just great, I love, I don't know, I'm just fascinated by this. For years, my dialogue with people because I was doing a television show was very one-sided. And I love this aspect of it, where I meet people and we talk and I feel like there's a conversation going on. I know that sounds a little pat, but it's true.
I find it kind of fascinating and I get to meet-.
Well, you're so kind. I mean, it was amazing meeting you, you were so generous with your time and I've been a fan since I was a kid. Like, to the point where my you are like the only public figure I genuinely care about, to the extent where I would stop you to say something.
Oh, my God, and I even like-.
Do you get out much? Because there's a lot of great celebrities out there? Yeah, there's a lot of really cool ones.
But I see, and I see in New York, when you're out, you see tons of people who are recognizable. Like, I saw your friend Tim Olyphant at the opening of a Broadway show. And I was sitting with my aunt, who works in the theater business. And you sort of spot who you know or recognize in the audience.
And we're naming names. And then I said, Oh, and that's Tim Olyphant? and she said, Who is that? and I just go, it's Conan O'Brien's friend.
You gotta play that for him.
That'll kill Tim Olyphant. Yeah, such a terrific actor, successful movies, television, but no, he's Conan's friend.
Oh man, yeah, I just wiped that whole IMDB page off the record, nice?
Well, Kayla, now you're my friend, we're friends now. Okay, this is just right.
Yeah.
Did you know this that she was a big fan of yours?
I didn't really know.
Because you came in feeling a little dejected, and she's clearly a really big fan of yours.
I don't think I was dejected, I knew that I thought Kayla was a really cool, smart person, she says. Phenotype, which none of you have ever dropped that word before. Yeah, no idea. And I think that's awesome.
Don't even know what it is. Yeah, I was in a band called the Phenotypes. Oh, okay, and I was.
So I don't know I was, just. She's a very impressive person and I'm very happy that it turns out that she likes whatever bullshit. We're selling here, right right, doing the best we can.
But it also it probably hurt your feelings a little that she didn't take a picture with you.
You keep going back to that so many times.
I know because I just want to remind you that you asked her, and she said, No, so I just want to remind you that that happened.
She kindly demurred, she didn't say no, she kindly demurred.
What is a phenotype?
Oh, that's not for you to know.
Also, it's not a good, bad name.
No, okay, yeah.
KAYLA It's so much better when it's just the two of us talking, not these two chattering.
Not according to Kayla.
KAYLA Seriously, I look forward to our next encounter. I know it's happening again, it's just going to keep happening and happening. This is Groundhog Day for you. Yeah, it sounds like a threat.
And it's going to turn into-.
I know it's peering into the window again.
You're going to run into me over and over and over again.
Why was Conan peering in my sixth floor window? I was trying to find the restaurant on the sixth floor.
So for the wayfinding at the museum, a hot tip the next time you go there, the entrance to the restaurant is the one that has a menu next to it. All right?
Also the one that has a door.
Okay, all right, okay, so menu and door got it.
I'm writing this down. I don't get to New York. Much menu and door means possible restaurant, just big window.
Leaving was the one marked staff.
Wow.
Okay, Kayla, you destroyed me. Well done, well played, thank you very much and be well. I hope you have a good summer and get that passport.
Okay.
I will, I will, and maybe next time we can make a real plan to run into each other and go look at some art together.
Oh yeah.
Check out some phenotypes.
I'll explain to him later. All right, take care, Kayla.
Bye, Thank you guys so much.
Take care.
Bye.
Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien. Sonam Absessian and Matt Gourley Produced by Me Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs. Nick Liao and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
Supervising producer Aaron Blair, Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples, Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Please rate, review, and subscribe to.
Conan O'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.
This has been a team Coco production in association with Earwolf.
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