#619 - ARI SHAFFIR

That's Tony Hinchcliffe, Calm. I have a brand new comedy club, it's next door to the Mothership, it's called the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. You can check out My Secret Show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip or go to Sunset Strip ATX Comm for more information.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

You did it, you made it to the number one live podcast in the world. Brought to you by Gel Blaster. The Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Austin Security Guard Service, EM Smokehouse and Screwball Peanut butter whiskey, which proudly presents the Kill Tony band. Huh, people, you just got to listen to him for 30 minutes straight here in the live music capital of the world. That's the great. Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Paul Diemer on the horns, Matt Mulling on the electric guitar, the leader of the band, John B's on the keys. And this, right here, the backbone, the one, the only, the spinal cord, the master, deep madness on the base.

A lot of fun stuff happening. All these guys are gonna be joining us in a fucking arena here in Austin, Texas, at the HeB Center on New Year's Eve. Just a heads up on that. Before we start tonight's episode, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here. Right now. Hey y'all, it's official.

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And now the show, You guys ready to start tonight's show or what?

It's a sweet 73 point. Zero degrees on stage right now. Every single week, I have one of the funniest comedians in the world on the show. This week. No different, this guy, an absolute legend of the game, much like myself. Comedy Store Through and Through Bleeds, Black and Red. An unbelievable superstar coming off of one of the biggest specials of the last few years.

Truly a guy that is a fucking survivor, someone who I've always looked up to. Make some goddamn noise for one of my favorite big brothers in all of comedy, the One and Only.

Whoa, fresh off of one of the biggest specials in a really long time. Jew, available on YouTube, millions and millions and millions of views, nothing but great reviews.

I was trying to whisper because I didn't.

Think as quiet as I could, because I know how it is to record a live podcast, right?

Anus prolapsed ah.

Ari's done the show numerous times, he knows what it is. A ton of people signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds of stand-up comedy. Uninterrupted time. You know, their time is up and you're the son of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood Bear, which interrupts their set, and then we interview them. Everything's improvised, anything can happen. We're gonna meet some, probably some insane people, probably some local veterans, that could be a star.

Then Big Jay Oakerson grabbed him from underneath his armpits and threw him into the arms of another bouncer. Yeah, could he not grab Jeremiah, cuz he's so skinny?

But yeah, that's the gist of it. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what?

Lazier when not being challenged. So we're gonna see if he still does as good as he has the last three sets. And if he doesn't do as good, he's gonna challenge for his regular spot next week. It's all pro wrestling shit, I think you guys get it right, ladies and gentlemen, here with a brand new minute, the one and only Rolex wearing.

Thank you, I.

As a peace offering and this bloody war between our species, I'm actually gonna start my own submersible tour of the wreckage, of the submersible tour of.

Wreckage of the Titanic. I like how Ocean Gate was like, Hey, you know how they're all making subs good, how about we make ours shitty?

That'll disrupt the space. These fucking billionaires took an Uber to the Titanic.

These fucking rich bastards would rather get crushed by the ocean and give us health care.

Rich people are stupid. Enter Tate went to Romania to be a douchebag rapist. That's right, douchebag rapists are created. That's like moving to Japan to take upskirt photos.

That's like a European moving to America to do a mass shooting.

Thank you.

I had no idea you thought you were gonna be challenged. Yeah, that's why I tried, yeah.

Exactly what do you think would have happened? Do you think you're set, honestly? Hans? Do you think your set would have been as good if I would have told you a week ago? After the show next week?

You're not, you don't have to challenge, you're not gonna get challenged for your spot. No, right, it wouldn't have been as good. Yeah, so honest.

It's incredible, you can't lie. He has a lot of problems, but he's super honest. Yeah, I really hate the competition, I bet you do.

I.

I.

Yeah.

I.

Love it Hans. What's been going on this week with you in your personal life? Tell us all about it.

How'd you find out, cuz you said I love you?

She said My dick was big.

She, she told me, and then I realized, like, whenever we get into a fight, and afterwards, she starts like.

She'll be on her.

What, hold on, what? what is that? She's just on her computer going?

What are you saying? She just makes that noise, yeah, and you think that's Tourette's. yeah. did you talk with her about it?

No.

I just see what she's looking at when she's making that noise on the computer. It was porn could be.

I.

Yeah, is that a thing with the people with Tourette's? I guess, so I don't know anyone with Tourette's out there, really. you really have Tourette's.

Okay, when you get angry, does it still love me? Yeah, it does. Story checks out. Really, I want to see.

I'm gonna move you like your front row seat, I'm gonna move you to the back of the room right now. You piece of shit, oh shit, there it is.

Whoa, oh my god.

Let's just treat it like you're being challenged and the first time that you have a set in which I find you being lazy. Kind of like you were in this weird coke spring that you had, this Cokie spring that you went through then. I have a long list, because once word got out, three weeks in a row, people started. I mean, there's a lot of people that are like, I want to challenge Hans for the regular show. That's kind of insulting. Well, I mean, you're bodying all of them so far.

So.

It was one of those ones where it went. How many of you have Uncle Laser winning this? It was, I don't know. I read band did that.

Decision he makes makes no sense. But there wasn't, there was a clap and it was way far out there and it wasn't right after I said it. But good job Red band, just keep smoking that cigarette, buddy.

Hans, I love it, you know what's going on? We're pushing you to your absolute limits. We want you to continue to be great and grow right in front of our very eyes. Thank you, Tony.

Thank you so much, Hans Camp. Has the show started? Thank you. Bump-bump-bump-bump. All right, your first bucket.

Pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen, a one-word name. Anything can happen here. I'm not sure if this person's ever been on before. Make some noise. We're gonna meet them all together. Solomon, Everybody, here we go, Solomon.

That was on scan, that was on scan, that was on one more time for Solomon. Everybody, here we go.

All right, so I worked with a very angry old Mexican dishwasher. He called himself Speedy Gonzalez. So I told him, Man, you can't say that that's racist, so he tells me, Fuck off, you're racist, go clean the mats. So the whole staff found out about it and they started calling me racist, and.

Yeah, that was, I had to leave the job. I think I'm not taking on this spot.

Yeah, holy shit. 41 seconds of Solomon, yeah.

Yeah, oh.

I messed it up. Yeah, we know.

We don't think that was what you had planned. Let's talk about it. Solomon, What part of the Temple of Doom do you work in exactly? I'm trying to figure it out. That's that was Olam.

She bad. It's a very inside. You really have to see the movie. Yeah, we're very in, like the last two weeks you've had to see.

Okay, Ari, first of all, what are your initial shock to find out you were not Mexican?

What are your pubes look like? Solomon What type of bush are we dealing with? No, I'm not gonna have him show. Michael Michael Gonzales always very excited for to do some landscaping.

I'm guessing, full bush, right? Just fucking you have like a turban on it or something like that. What's going on down there? A little magic carpet.

No, it's pretty trim. Oh, really. okay, very interesting. Was pubes, really.

Yes.

Why'd you have to quit the racist incident he was just talking about? That's you had to quit because of that?

Not just that it's, uh, there was this girl that way, I pause.

Go ahead, No ari Shafir, did this girl have an elephant arm and eight arms, and then you worshiped her the whole time?

No, okay, okay, sorry, I thought, maybe.

Okay, so let's go step by step.

So first of all, let's start here. What was the moment where you thought there might be chemistry? Was it like a way she looked at you when you're washing dishes?

See, you're, you're scrubbing plates, right? and you lock eyes with her, and she locks eyes with you, She's white. Yes, yes, and there's a moment where you're like, maybe just how old do you think she is?

25, 30 and you're what?

This might just be my chance. She maybe just maybe is looking for a Pakistani.

Dishwasher to come in and fucking do her dishes, you know what I mean, just fucking, just fucking tag her, may tag.

You know what I mean?

Okay, so the eye contact happens, do you? What's your first move? Do you say something? Is it that night?

Do you wait a little bit? You play it? Cool? No, I found out she was lesbian and I was, but how did you find out?

She was a lesbian because she was married to another girl.

It's a big clue, it's a big clue you can't do her dishes if she only eats out.

I need a, we need to get, we need to hit the thing that lifts me up in the air. Can we work on that? Can you tell Joe Rogan that I want one of those?

Spend some of this Spotify money for Christ's sakes. I want to, I want to fly, Joe.

Okay.

All right, hold on, so so watch it. To quit, though, I, I would kind of want to go one more step here. How'd you find out she wasn't like?

Who told you that? One of the staff members? did you ask the staff? So you were like asking around? No, I wasn't asking. But they were like, Oh, her, her wife from her.

That's right, guys, I do. She's a dog.

You're thinking about this girl, let's say a song comes on the radio, a love song. You're thinking about her, right? Yeah, okay, then you find out she's a lesbian. Yes, now we do.

You think you showed any signs of emotion when you found out that she was a lesbian? No, I was like, I can't compete with a vibrator so well, you can't. People like you, you could just fly an airplane right into her pussy.

I mean.

You can compete also. Just, you know, heterosexual women also use vibrators. Yeah, that's the problem, yeah.

That's India, that's India, that's India. Sorry, sometimes we get our brownies confused.

You know what I'm saying?

If you were to compete with a vibrator, how would you do it? I still figuring it out, man, can you show us? Let's say that there was a vagina right here in front of your face, like right here. Let's say it was on an elevated thing, let's say it was on the riser thing that I wanted, right?

Let's say that it was right in front of you. What would you do to that vagina? Show us there's a vagina foot in front of your face right now. No, you can't do that.

You can't do that, or basically, everyone's a lesbian. If you do that, you don't have a chance. Let's see how fast you can move your fingers like.

Let's play a game called Compete with a vibrator. For the first time in the show's history, this is Solomon. Wipe your hand. It's not a real vagina, by the way. I want to make it dry.

He's white chicks. Love dry. Yeah, you could, you could keep it lubed up. Solomon You don't have to wipe it off. I'm not here we go.

Hey hey.

Wait, I think I hear right now.

Solomon, Solomon, Solomon, how long you been doing stand-up? Last time I was here four months ago? Okay, that's when you started.

Yes, you started on Kill Tony. Yes, that was four months ago. How many spots have you done it? open mics and whatnot in between then?

You're, why are you just doing? Why are you just doing? Kill Tony? They don't call my name, I don't know that.

Oh my god, wow, what a promotion.

Unbelievable. You're gonna charge a dishwasher, it's a drink, it's five dollars ish, probably.

Oh, you know what, I was actually just reminded of the last thing. So when you say that you had to quit, right? I almost fucking fuck this whole interview up, what happened?

What happened was that she just was getting bossier and bossier and bossier. To you, the dishwasher, it was like the manager telling you what to do, No.

That's how they are.

So with a final, final moment, is it you quitting, you take your apron and throw it off, or what is it? Yeah, no, I went home, wrote a letter and I, you know, gave it to the hostess. I'm like, you put a little anthrax in it.

All right, all right, Solomon. If you want to come back, you have to do a bunch of open mics. You did 41 seconds. You're a hell of an interview, but if you want to do this, you've got to be in the game. Man, last time you got a little joke book?

Yes, I bet you did you enjoy it. Fill it up with Joe. There he goes. Solomon Everybody, thank you, good interview.

Yep, great hat dressed up, at least. Heck, yeah.

There he goes, solomon.

Hold another name out of the bucket. Anything can happen. Put your hands together for your next comedian. We're gonna meet them all together. It's Brandon Kiefer, everybody.

Make some noise for Brandon, let's go.

I'm actually from Georgia, so relax, all right. Here's the thing I love the South, but the thing I have problem in South. The stupidest thing I had to deal with is that my family lost their minds over those stupid Confederate statues.

You remember that shit? It's a very famous one in North Carolina. It was a Confederate soldier, Robert E. Lee on a horse. You remember that? And I was in front of a courthouse. They tore the whole statue down.

Look, I get what you get rid of Robert E. Lee. I'm not gonna argue that, but what the fuck did the horse do?

That was a big moment in the horse's life. He got a statue for being a good boy dude. He didn't know. You can't train a horse to be racist, my family tried.

You can't do it, it doesn't matter how many carrots you give. That motherfucker, he likes everybody dude like.

We have the klan in Georgia, which is really fucked up. I think one of the most fucked up parts is they used to put hoods on the horses. For what? In case you recognized him in public?

I can tell, yeah.

Mostly, I love Lincoln Lodge. Have you been around there? And Zany? Yeah, yeah, this is great.

Lincoln Lodge is small, but it's like, like the community based thing, you know what I mean?

Very nice. What makes you stay in Chicago? why'd you choose there? I?

Yeah, we're full of them, we're lousy with it.

Yeah, that's a lot of it. What do you think? Who do I call? Yeah, I call it to work. I'm like, I'm not gonna come in today.

Most people that what gave it away my sweating and hot body. No people that people that stay in Chicago tend to, yeah.

I like your style, yeah.

Was it Moses that found you? Yeah, so well, I've been doing. I've been doing a lot of the Roast Battle stuff in Chicago for a while. And then I kind of got into that. And then they started bringing you go up against last night. A guy named Evan from this, like, I think he does a store stuff. Evan Warner Okay.

I bet if we saw him, it's a funny yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh yeah.

I'm getting divorced, so pretty good.

Obviously mine, right? It was both of ours, we were just crushing it all the time. How long were you guys together? how long were you married?

Four years we actually met in Austin four years ago, wild enough.

I was hitchhiking, oh.

Yeah, what did she do for work now?

Yeah, right, and you're sterile. No, I'm Southern and she's German. We don't have good histories, dude. I don't want kids with that, I think.

We got enough losers in the world, dude, I.

What's the law there? or whatever? No, we're cool, we're cool. It's not like a.

We don't have, I mean, we don't have kids, we don't, you know what I mean? It's like, she's not being a jerk about it. No, neither one.

I'm sorry.

Huh, what was it?

Brandon, I got bad news for you. Do you know how it works on this show? I wasn't gonna say it. Then I was like, here we are, here we are, you're in that moment.

Right now, historically, we have a thing called a Mexican drum off where, oh shit, where the comedian that says they know how to play drums does a drum solo, followed by the resident drummer doing a drum. So we call this L.a. Cucaracha. Oh, I like that, absolutely.

And so here we go, you're gonna do a drum solo, and then Michael Gonzalez does a drum solo. If you win, Brandon, you're moving from Chicago to Austin, Texas, to be the new full-time drummer. And if I win, he's gonna move back to Mexico, yeah.

That's a good one. No one's ever done that in the Mexican history of the Mexican. Drum off. But no, if if he wins, he has to. If you win, Brandon, he has to move to Chicago and fuck your ex-wife, so.

All time in the show's history, never before has a comedian beat the resident drummer. You, the audience, live, get to decide, ladies and gentlemen, starting off the Mexican drum off. This is Brandon Kiefer, everybody.

Brandon Kiefer.

In incredible performance, shockingly good. Stand right there, Brandon stand right there. deemers go stand next to him. Okay, there. We I guess just switch it up.

All right, good, there you go, yep, just like that, ladies and gentlemen. Defending his throne, all-time undefeated in the history of Mexican drum offs. This guy practices for about eight hours a day and plays with professionally all around the world, continuously flying back every Monday to be here for this show.

I present to you the reigning defending drummer of Kill Tony. This is Michael Gonzalez.

All right, Brandon, step back up to that microphone real quick.

How many of you have Brandon Kiefer winning this Mexican drum off? People did a solid job. How many? That's much more than Uncle Laserhead last week against on How many of you have? Michael Gonzalez went.

Brandon, remind me one more time, How many years have you done stand-up comedy? 11 years and how long have you lived in Chicago? Nine years?

Where's the biggest place you've ever performed in Chicago?

It's a pretty good answer. How about in Chicago, like the Big Theater, or something like that, or like something big, be a bigger theater? All about the Chicago Theater? Yeah, would you like to do a guest spot on my show at the Chicago Theater?

Perfect busy bro. I gotta get better at drums. Yeah, I would love to burn. That would rule you got it?

I mean, you know, it's amazing. Back-to-back, we had Solomon, who's done it twice only on the show, a minute and 40 seconds combined, and you got to see him walk away with nothing. And Brandon Kiefer is performing at the biggest theater in Chicago, one of the biggest theaters in the country, the iconic Chicago Theater.

Anything can happen here, and.

One of the amazing parts of this show is.

His premise discovery is a huge part of the business. And it was right then where I'm like, Wow, this guy's got like a real second gear. And to be able to show that in a minute, it's really something else. Someone that's been doing that regularly, you know, we're making history here all the time.

On Kiltonian, one of the amazing things that we do here is. We always have regulars on the show that you get to see, watch and grow and perform, and you get to watch their lives change all the time. We have a new regular on the show, that became a regular on the show after only one appearance, after only one minute, the next set on this show, he was in front of 3,000 people at the ACL Live Theater, showing us all why.

He's the newest regular, a 100 batting average, just his own style, his own swagger. We could not be more excited to present you the newest regular on Kiltonian Cam Patterson. Everybody.

I bet y'all, wouldn't you would again? Would you against that shit, white man?

I'm glad you, I'm glad you didn't come lying.

I played basketball in high school, but I remember after my season and all my teammates come. I said he was gay. now I have no part of a gay people at all. You love who you love, you know? I said, but I had to ask him. I said, Hey man, will you step on my ass?

Or that more like a basketball facing? Nah, man, I was strictly a basketball thing. I saw kind of stamp, but I didn't play.

And nigga, you squeezed it.

There he is again. The future has arrived, ladies and gentlemen.

And, most importantly, white people like you.

Do you ever get tempted to go back to your roots and do it back on that weekend? You hate what? No, but I mean.

I love it. Cam, What did you do when you were home? Non-criminal activity wise? I had went to my family reunion, okay?

Nigga like six, he bite everything that move an official body. You know, the last bottle was me.

The old wraparound, that's right, that's right, very good, the old, the old.

So Cam is like this all the time, absolutely hysterical. He's also one of my new drinking buddies at the bar after hours and.

Holy shit, oh my god.

You understand, and I bet I always tell I would tell Tony about how you like my mentor when I was there, and he, Yeah, he here.

Cuz I told him the other night at the bar that I wanted him to come out and do a minute after you did a minute. So I was just seeing if we had that all set up. I didn't get to coordinate with anybody before this.

Let's find him, find this nigga.

I know, I know you have the ability to do that. Is there some kind of like, call you guys do?

Anybody have a 9-millimeter? I could shoot a couple times.

You got some crack dust, throw it up like LeBron James.

I mean, I was just enthralled and completely entertained. He is a.

Ah, that's right.

Yeah.

That is true.

That is true. I was hard as a rock all night, it was incredible. You think he's in the building, you have your phone on you.

Yeah, call him real quick, you think his phone's working it. you think his phone's already, go check the safe.

Do we got him?

We got improv, what else you got?

Hell yeah, you saw me?

Oh, yeah, we also got the milk. This is, that's a real bitch. What does that mean?

It's pretty crazy. How long is he in town for? Well, then this may have been his only opportunity to. It comes back. Yeah, go try to find him well, maybe we can get him up by the end of the show.

Wait a second, there's a loud knock at the back door. We've never heard. We've never heard a knock at the back door that loud before during the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for David Jolie, everybody.

My guess is.

Hey y'all, shut the fuck up, I got a minute.

So I was at the CSL Plasma Center the other day, I was donating plasma. Some people call it saving lives, I call it $40.

So what? I didn't see? I said, Plasma center, I find out. if you donate plasma, they give you $500. You know that, sir? Oh hey, I was like, bitch, I'd be rich in $40.

Y'all gonna be me, I this bitch, 40 grand, 50 grand. He's on fire. But I had to think about it, cuz I got my legal marijuana car, had to think about it. I know if I donate sperm some kind of way.

I'm gonna end up on child support.

Last thing I'm doing is 18 years of a bitch I never met before, fucking nick the knuckle baby. You get it, you get it, you get it in the car.

Don't worry about it how much time I got long, alright?

Oh, we got.

We hear that, Boy, you got me here.

This is like being at the go crazy.

You're doing great, you're great, you're doing great. You don't have to apologize. I'm not the police. Relax, you know, you're my nigga.

I know, you know, you're my guy, my guy, that's game. You remind, you, remind me of two of my favorite things, Pink Floyd and George Floyd, and I love you. Very entertaining, very entertaining.

I.

Suck so bad. Well, really, I love it.

Young enough, that's the reason why I'm in motherfucking Austin, Texas, right now. All right, so.

He say, Nigga, you ain't coming out here. I say, Boy, I'm on a flight, I got out here, that's when.

Uh, but I'll Adam, Yeah, you know, I'm a regular, my pay regular. Okay, yeah, all right.

You're setting a record for sideways high-fives on this show right now. Oh shit, what is that? Oh shit.

Okay, so tell us more about your life. How do you make a living? what do you like? How do you, uh?

You sell crack and you, what a little dick. I sell a dick sometimes to some old white bitch.

One, two, one or two, nice, one or two hundred. How many? two hundred? how many a week?

Bambi style.

There's no pretty way, oh.

Yeah, you came by this.

Yeah, yeah, I might give you one, I he's got money, you can charge me one. Thank you, how much you gonna try it?

How much you want?

I want a real challenge.

Think we found our new problem? Hey, if you don't fuck with Tony, his clip you a pussy.

Oh my god, an instant legend of the show. How often do you think you're gonna be coming back to Austin?

How much is rent?

49.9. I just did the math. That's only two and a half reverse dick suckings to get your.

David Jolley, you just became an instant kill Tony legend.

Not only.

Not only is your charisma translatable to everyone, but he's also the Roger Mayweather to Cam Patterson's Floyd Mayweather. He fucking got this guy, yep, and we shoot shit up. Oh, I don't know about that. No, no, no, no, no more shootings, no more gel blasters. they're shooting gel blasts.

Shoot shit up, shoot show blasters all the way.

This is only did he did, he did, he did, yes.

Let's hold D-Magnus, Oh, he's dead, you know, hey?

Wow, unbelievable.

Amazing I.

There you go.

Fuck out of here, wait a second.

Yeah, of course.

Use the gel blaster waiting for you in the back. We give. Okay, I'll see you later.

One more time for David Jolien. Cam Patterson. We are at seventy five point, seven degrees right now, the room is heating up, it's getting hot in here. Wow, all right, some innocent poor soul is gonna have to follow all of that energy right now.

You guys having fun out there?

Make some noise for your next comedian out of the bucket. Zeke Hullett, Everybody, Zeke Hullett.

This guy gets what I mean right here, only him, though. You think that girls get the same feeling whenever guys roll? blunts.

Right? Like, whenever you walk into a party with your girlfriend, does her knees start shaking and she stops? You're like, Babe, what's wrong? It's me in the corner just.

No, have you ever got it suck from the front?

Very good Zeke, where you from? How long you been doing stand-up? Just a little over a year? Okay, pretty comfortable for you. Yeah, not bad.

You live there still in Illinois.

What college? University of Illinois, right? The fighting? Illini Yes, yes, we, we suck, I know, really bad.

I did go to the Ohio State University wrestling under Ben head coach Russ Alex, and, you know, that's a reference, yeah, but it college wrestling. Yeah, I was way off, I know. Yeah, yeah, sorry. What weight class were you a wrestler?

135 I was 133, well, two pounds off. I'm a circus freak, no big deal.

So what happened there? so you went there and then what happened? Um, so once Kovat hit, and.

Started off the year with like a couple bad grades, fixed them right away, and then I missed a practice afterwards. I missed a Kovat test the day after I got the vaccine, which I was required to get, and they kicked me off.

Damn.

I mean, maybe maybe you're not as white as I think you are. Maybe it's just cuz she went up after Cam and David Jolly, but yeah, you seem white as shit, yes.