#625 - POST MALONE + JOE ROGAN + KURT METZGER

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How many of you have been fans of this show for a long time, huh? Well, then you know that this is one of the best book shows in all of standup comedy. This one pretty fucking good. Make some noise for tonight's guests Kurt Metzger, Post Malone and Joe Rogan.

That's it, right there.

We are going to have fucking fun here tonight.

Joe Rogan's done it many times, Kurt's done it many times. Post Malone, welcome to the realm of Kill Tony, thank you for having me, thank you for having me.

Absolutely, we're going to have fucking fun tonight. A bunch of comedians post Malone signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds. We get through as many as we can. There's also a few regulars that do a new minute every week.

They do a minute of standup comedy, we talk to them, afterwards, I interview them, we find out more about them. You know, the 60 seconds is up.

When you hear the sound of a kitty, that means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And that's it. You guys ready to get into this fucking thing or what?

Vodka? Arnold Palmer Okay, yeah, you got it, absolutely.

Every single week, we have one guy that does a brand new minute to get the show started. When we found him, he was living in his van. King of the open mic scene. Now he's banging hotties, wearing rolexes. He might have a slight cocaine addiction. A lot of ups and downs.

When he has a rough set, he gets challenged by a competitor who tries to beat him. He is undefeated all time while being challenged. This is a week off for him after a few solid appearances. You guys know the words to the song.

K.

A. A..m...a.

It's good to be here. At the start of the race wars. There was a horrible incident in Montgomery, Alabama, where a black man was arrested for hitting white people with chairs. Which I think is unfair, because I've been watching white people hit each other with chairs on TV this whole time. I thought, that's just how they said, hello, you know?

Pro wrestling.

I love the whites. I think it's great that Republicans are out here fighting for their rights. I think Republicans have a great chance because Republicans aren't afraid of anything except for communism and terrorism, and abortion, gay marriage, trans people.

I'm a huge humanitarian, I like to do a lot of community service. Every weekend, I go to my local Lululemon and I buy out all the extra large yoga pants.

Because no one wants to see that shit. All right, thank you, all right Hongs Kim with the new minute.

Got better as it went along. Started off with a very crusty joke about white people hitting each other with chairs. You had to literally explain it afterwards by saying the words professional wrestling. Yeah, I thought a lot of people would know about pro wrestling, but I guess it wasn't clear that it was about.

That's not the problem.

It is true, I did not know what you were talking about, and I know jokes and pro wrestling, and even I could not figure out exactly what you meant. How do you feel, Hans?

How did that feel for you? I feel like that was kind of rough and fun at the same time. Who do you think you should be challenged by? Next week? After a performance like that? Who do you think your opponent should be? I've always chose your opponent.

Who would you like to go against? Maybe another retard, probably.

I don't know somebody fill post Malone in. So he has beaten people that are mentally challenged before that are very, very funny physically.

You've been on before. Yes, he doesn't look strong enough to take a mental challenge. You said first time he does a new minute every week.

Everybody else in the bucket, they could have gotten on again. I wasn't paid to be here, I don't know how I got here, but I'm having a great time so far.

I'm a huge fan of you, thank you very much.

Thank you.

How does it feel having a rusty set in front of Post Malone, one of your favorite musical artists? I feel like I'm post regular now. Oh, shit, you know what I think?

I don't know. I feel like you should have a hard challenge. I think we should scare some life into you. I think next week you should battle Casey Rocket for regular shit. I think we gotta do it.

Joe just said, That might be it.

Does he want to do it? does he want to do it?

Fame, money. Why would anyone want to take part in such a thing?

Seems like a lone wolf.

I would love to challenge Casey Rocket. I think that would be a great challenge. Thanks for the suggestion. There you go, it's happening.

Next week, Hans Kim versus Casey Rocket, a battle of life and death, could be the fucking one. Hans. Thank you so much.

Way to get the show started? You're out of here, Hans Kim. We're going to the bucket now. Wait, did we get the thing back? Where'd it go?

That was Hans Kim, that was Hans Kim. Where's the fucking bucket at?

Okay.

John Daly.

Kill Tony Mike Thielacker.

I should have worn a fucking hat.

So I've been trusting farts lately.

It's a dangerous game. You ever trusted a fart? I trusted a fart. One time when I was in the army, I didn't have any underwear on. I learned some valuable lessons that day.

Lesson number one.

Don't trust a fart without underwear on.

Lesson number two.

Extra duty can mean more than one thing.

I did get away with it, rinsed off. I convinced my sergeant that I sprayed myself in the dick with the water hose. He laughed at me, called me an idiot.

Told me to go change in the barracks, gave me the keys to his truck. Well, joke's on you, Sergeant Miller, I drove your truck in my dookie bridges.

Like, you almost could have done anything else and it would have gone better. I was really pulling for number two after number one, I was like, maybe rule number two is good. Yeah. Thank you for your service, sir.

I don't know what you did in your pants, but you just shit the stage here tonight, that's for sure.

Holy shit, can I tell you something, honestly? What the problem was? I felt triggered.

It gave me PTSD from the time I trusted a fart to hear you talking about it like that, you got shit in your pants right now. Yeah, it's a true story. Well, I'm older now.

It's what it is. I don't know where the camera is, but sorry, Sergeant Miller. Okie, dokie, there you go. You look like if Jeffrey Dahmer only ate gingerbread men.

You are a hefty fellow.

Tell us about your life, Mike. What do you do for a living? Now? I'm medically retired from the military, okay?

Medically retired. Is that what you said? I don't want to talk about it, you don't, no.

Okay, does it have to do with trusting farts? I was in the Medevac and what?

Okie, Dokie, you're not my therapist. I do believe we're having flashbacks right now. This is a live show, Mike, you signed up for this?

I did, I'm ready. What else do you not want to talk about, just so that I know, because you're on an interview on a live show right now? What else is off the table?

Nothing, okay. Tell us more about your life. Are you in a relationship right now? Does someone let you dress like that?

Yeah, my ex-wife lives with me really. Yeah, that is exactly what you're dressed like.

Yeah, you're dressed like a guy that lives with his ex-wife. It is incredible, she told me. I look like I'm trying to be a porn star with these on. Oh, that's okay.

Yeah, that's with those glasses. Yeah, do you like gingerbread men?

I don't know you never had one.

Don't they have cinnamon? I'm allergic to cinnamon. Isn't that fucked up? I think Gingerbread men might remind him of the Iraqi brown guys that he's killed before.

Okay, so Mike, what do you do for fun? You're out of the military, you don't want to talk about the military. What makes you who you are?

What are you into? I like to fish, I like to talk shit to people, I like to help people build shit, I don't know.

I just helped my buddy build a fence the other day, that was fun. Oh, I bet I bet he's the one that asked for it, too, yeah.

Keep you on the other side. Yeah, they're all going to make fun of me, I know that.

Can we build it a little taller, you think, Mike?

Mike, I find you to be so interesting. Why do you not want to talk about your military past? Is it traumatizing to you? No, I just don't want to get in trouble. Why would you get in trouble?

Come on, what do you know?

I was a Black Hawk crew chief. Okay, tell us more. I did three tours to Iraq, I was there for the invasion.

Okay, hell yeah.

Black Hawk I love it. Is your ex-wife also into Black Hawk? Is that what happened actually? I don't know.

She got Black Hawk downed.

Incredible. When you were in the military, you were both enjoying Black Hawk.

So what do you think, in all of your life, would be an interesting thing for you to say? In this interview portion of the show? You've got Post Malone, Joe Rogan and Kurt Metzger here. Yeah, I'm like, Fuck shit, yeah, this is that moment.

You had that set, so maybe now you could redeem yourself with some type of.

Yeah, I don't know, great. I was in air assault after my first tour and then I did the Medevac on my third tour. Craziest thing you saw over there?

Tell us something that would surprise us as civilians. I don't know. Craziest bomb that you've ever seen happen to you on stage tonight? Yeah, this one beats all those ones, yeah.

Okie, Dokie. Mike Well, oh my God. The withdrawal from Afghanistan was less awkward. This is my second time doing stand-up, though. So....

It's your second time doing stand-up? Yeah, I did stand-up last week. How'd it go last week in front of a bunch of comics and what happened last week?

Same thing, you know, same thing. Yeah, there was more laughter here, so I was like, there was more here.

Holy shit, I thought you were doing a moment of silence to honor the troops that you worked with. It's fucking incredible, dude, yeah.

Well, Mike, thank you for your service. You've been through a lot. I love that you're trying new things. Congratulations. Here's the Little Joke Book.

There you go, there goes Mike Thielacker. Everybody all right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Here we go.

You guys get it, you happy to be here. Anything can happen. Another name pulled out of the bucket. Let's meet them all together.

Allie Musa, Allie could be a her. maybe it's a he Allie Musa.

Okay, Allie Musa, everybody.

Yeah, happy to be here because I've been doing a lot of weird shows. A couple months ago, I did something called Uber Comedy, where a comedian picked me up in his Honda Accord. And we drove around. As I did stand-up comedy. For three very uncomfortable women sitting in the back seat, and it was weird, I couldn't do jokes.

It was too intimate, so I got creative and I was like, you know what I'll do? My impression of Cat Williams if he was a tour guide in Austin, Texas, so I was like, welcome to Austin, motherfucking Texas. It is the richest and brokest city in the United States of America.

Here we are on world-famous 6th Street, where the zombie apocalypse is taking place, specifically on that part of the sidewalk. If you look over to your right, you'll see a group of Caucasian people breaking the traffic laws. They're using the crosswalk when they ain't supposed to be using the motherfucking crosswalk.

Thank you, I guess that's it.

57 seconds from Ali Musa Welcome Ali. you've been on this show before a few times, but not for a while. Yeah, welcome back Ali.

You still look like a melting fortune teller, yeah?

I thought he looks like his name is Inigo Montoya, and I killed his father and I should prepare to die. The other day, I was told I look like if Muammar Gaddafi fucked Danny Trejo.

That is true, that is true. If he fucked Johnny Depp, I would say, Yeah, I just love that.

That traumatized soldier walked back there and ran into you after his set, right. He's like, Oh.

Hell yeah, it's been a while, okay? What are some highlights of your career so far? Tell us what it's been like 12 years.

In the game, I got to open for Joey Diaz a few times at the Tempe Improv Sweet, so yeah, that was exciting.

Okay, what else is going on in life? Where do you live now? I live here in Austin, across the street from the Old Cap City Comedy Club, so I get to see that shut down every day as I drive by it.

Yeah, lovely neighborhood up there. Oh yeah, absolutely yeah.

Really amazing. Rent's good there, huh? This is not bad when you have meth heads for neighbors, it works out, yeah.

Absolutely, how do you know they're meth heads? What do they do? They just scream in the middle of the night, at 3 o'clock in the morning, yeah.

Gunshots at 5 a.

M.

You know, you should have said they do meth, they do meth, yeah.

Fucking a.

I love it. So what do you do? what do you do? For fun? Ali Musa For fun, you know, I record a podcast called The Ali USA Podcast, Let's not plug your fucking shit show, Ali.

The set wasn't good enough to get that in there, buddy.

Sure, so what are you into other than the shit you just plugged?

I like to work out a lot, I live stream all the time. Is this your Grindr bio right now? What's going on? It might be now.

I like long walks on the gay beach.

I saw a video of you pole dancing the other day. Oh yeah, you did really well. Is that how you recruit for ISIS?

Yeah, I did a show at the Red Bands Club, The Sunset Strip, and it was a pole dancing slash comedy show. So when I went up to do my stand-up set, I just started doing pole moves and shit. Okay, how did you know how to do it so well, though?

You, like, really did it good. It's what I've been working out for. Just that moment, it all led up to that, I guess. What's your love life like with a face like yours?

It's not bad, you know? A guy can pole dance, I'm sure it's great. Yeah, I bet he rides a lot of pole. With a face like that, you've got to deal with what you're dealt. What's it like?

What are you, king catfish? What's going on over here? Tell us more. I've been with a few big girls before, that's my specialty, I would say.

Okay, you know, alright. I've learned that the bigger they are, the more in shape you need to be, so that's why I'm at the gym all the time. That is true.

If you plan on being aggressive with them at all, you have to move them around at all, you have to lift a leg or anything. What's something crazy that you've been through with a big girl in bed? One time? She was so big that by the end, it literally felt like a UFC fight. And then Joe Rogan walked in the room and started interviewing me.

Is this true?

Alright, Ally Musa, anything else most interesting thing about you that we haven't talked about in all the interviews of your Filtoni history? I get recognized for doing that Ben Shapiro thing on here all the time. That's like the number one thing.

What did you do? Ben Shapiro? remind us, Do it okay. Well, there's kind of a different version. But I feel Ben Shapiro always talks about how we need more alpha males in society, and I feel like you're Ben fucking Shapiro.

Can't someone like Joe Rogan pass along that message? Because you need to at least be sexually attractive to women, right? Because is Ben Shapiro sexy ladies? Is Ben Shapiro sexy? Alright, this is a long segment.

This is the impression, Ally, get to the fucking impression. imagine Ben Shapiro fucking you trying to talk sexy. Like, I have now inserted my penis into your vagina, my erect penis is now inside of your vagina. The only thing that would make this sexual intercourse any more satisfying is if we were to do it on helix sheets.

Go to Helixsheets.

Com right now for 20 off your next order with promo code AbortionisMurder. That is....

That's good first part, do it.

Ally, you've gotten a joke book on this show before. I have. Yeah, okay, well, there you go. you got it. I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday.

Wow, look at that, booked Ally Musa, there he goes.

There he goes, everybody, all right, pulled another name out of the bucket. We're going to keep it moving along, make some noise for Scott Fillmore, everyone, we're going to meet him all together.

Scott Fillmore.

Oh wow, here he is, Scott Fillmore, everybody.

Hi everybody, it's good to be here. So I'm gay. you're welcome, it's my gift to you guys.

Part of being gay in today's society? You're trying to find the perks. You know, there's some good stuff about it I recently learned. My favorite part is, I said faggot in front of my Black friend the other day and he got real tense. We made eye contact, he was super uncomfortable and he goes, Oh shit, that's what that feels like.

I was like, Huh, two can play at that game, buddy, huh? It's not fun to be left out, is it? Yeah, so I'm suggesting we implement an exchange program to any Black people in the crowd tonight.

This is an open offer. Five faggots for one n-word. I feel like that's pretty good. Thanks guys, that's all I got.

Yeah, holy shit, first time we've had one of you guys on tonight, someone with jokes almost forgot what it was like.

Did you hear that? Hans Kim? My goodness? Scott Fillmore, What's up? wait, did you and the Black guy fuck or what?

We're working on it, we'll get there.

Scott Welcome is your last name, really? Fillmore, because it looks like you live by that.

I can't imagine you being more filled.

SCOTT FiLLMOrE It means a lot coming from a clear bottom. Tony I love it, that's true.

I actually.

You win a prize for being the 5,000th person to call me a bottom. Congratulations Scott. But doesn't it mean more for me? I have a feeling you have sex on bottom position more than I do, my friend.

Clearly not an exercise. Guys, that is incredible, that is an awesome bucky shirt you're wearing. thank you, thank you, fuck yeah, dude.

I'm not above pandering to my audience, so.

Do you live here in Texas? I moved here last night, so wow, hell yeah.

Wow, that is the gayest story I've ever heard.

I'm from Salt Lake City. Shout out Hell yeah, oh what up post.

What up post, big fan of your chicken dude? Thank you very much. Also, can we cool it on the fucking ads? All I hear is you hawking chicken for all of the Spotify driving down here.

It was crazy. It's not my fault, it's Spotify's fault.

I just like chicken tenders. I still don't know how the fuck I got here. This is great, it's perfect. This is how we get all of our biggest guests.

Are you Mormon? I grew up Mormon, No shit, I grew up with Jehovah. Witness, the natural enemy of you people, we should fight.

Okay, so Scott Fillmore, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Three years, three years, all of it in Salt Lake City. I loved that.

Wise guys Yeah, Hell yeah, wise guys. One of the best clubs in the country. So what do you miss about Salt Lake City other than the Salt?

Is that what they called your chin? Jesus Christ, Okay, Kurt, this is one of those, all right.

Can we get some more? Can we get some kratom up here for Kurt, you know, mellow it out a bit.

Okay, so let's talk about it, talk about it. You got here last night. When did you buy the Buc-ee's shirt if you got here last night? I work here every once in a while, and I went to Buc-ee's a couple months ago and I had to get it.

Okay, Buc-ee's rules, man, buc-ee's is the best thing about Texas. I love it, I love it.

What's your love life like? what has more X's, you or the shirt tag?

Just some of those bottom jokes, you know what I mean, you piece of shit.

What's your love life like? Tread carefully, Dude, didn't you just get canceled? I'll do it again, Motherfucker, I'll get you.

I don't think I could get canceled by Chinese food. Just the people love life is not great. ex-mormons aren't good boyfriends. Who knew?

Meeting the parents isn't very fun.

Yeah, are you gay? What are you gay? They tell me that, I guess.

Yeah, did I miss that? Do you think he's faking it to get health insurance? Like that movie? What? I missed it.

I don't know, I'm running the fuck and I'm trying to get the next comedian up here. That's literally his whole bit. I missed the beginning, that's the whole thing.

You are zoned out, son. That's embarrassing. I have to do a bunch of shit over here. Believe it or not, it's a nightmare. Was your dick that hard?

You didn't even listen. Yes, it was so hard that the blood stopped. Maybe it got hard, and that's why you didn't notice it. That's true.

It's like, What's happening? I'm confused. This is all true. I have an appeal, I have an appeal.

That's all I'm saying, it works on me.

Okay, all right post. I'm blushing dude, what are you doing, man?

So you're in Austin, Texas, now, which is more lenient towards gays than Salt Lake City, is what you're saying. We'll find out. How are you going to find out? I'm curious what your next move is?

Are you on apps or something? I'm getting on Grindr, right, Grindr hoagie, everything you're on?

I love it, my specialty is guys in the closet, hey, what's up? Someone's challenging Hans Kim next week.

I love it. Okay, wait, does that magic underwear still work after you defile it that way? I cut some strategic holes in it, so it's holy underwear.

Now you could say, what kind of guys are you really into? Because you're what they would call what a flamboyant bear. Just fat, fat, okay?

It's actually mean bears are like hairy dudes with thick beards, literally. If you're just a normal fat guy, it's your chub, ah, which feels like bullying to me. I have a chub right now.

Yeah, you better quit, dude, you better fucking quit, man.

Oh, shit.

Oh, fuck, I love it. But I didn't get an answer out of you. What kind of guys are you actually into? Do you have a preferred type? Or you just like all different shapes and sizes? I like nerdy guys.

Okay, all right, I like to feel protective. Absolutely, you know, okay.

That's good.

Yeah, this is true, this guy right here. Oh yeah.

That guy, for sure. Sorry, ma'am.

I love it. So Scott, what else anything else we should know about you before we let you go? An amazing performance.

Thank you, thank you, I don't know. Just here to do shows and have fun and take a swing at it. Also, I play music. What kind of music do you play? I grew up doing folk music.

I play fiddle and mandolin.

If you know what he means, you do okay.

What the fuck, dude?

I don't know that was a long fuse.

So fiddle, mandolin, okay, you sing, sure?

Really, can you guys do like a folk beat? Is that a thing? the band? Do you know what you would call the rhythm?

The rhythm that you want.

Here he goes, ladies and gentlemen, I was not the folk singer. I sang opera. Okay, can you sing some opera for us? Perhaps how many of you want to hear Scott sing some opera right now, huh?

Oh shit, crowd goes wild.

John Gailey over here.

Next to post Malone Joe Rogan on Kill Tony, his first night as an Austin resident. Oh boy, here he is. I should have shut up, I should have shut the fuck up.

It ain't over till the fat lady sings, So here we go.

Yo cut that music, bro, I go a cappella, Let's go.

Let's go.

Brunesca l'amore.

What the fuck holy shit I mean, I'm dead-ass, serious, call me.

That is one of the coolest fucking musical things that have ever happened in the history of the show. SCOTT FILLMORE I have made an exact. When I just heard you sing. I made a decision instead of K.C. Rocket because I can always do that. I'm going to have you battle Hans Kim next week. I just find it all to be too interesting.

You got here last night, you're wearing a bucky shirt. You had the balls to make fun of me back. SCOtt Fillmore Welcome to the Kill Tony Universe.

Okay.

I ain't buying it, I'm not buying it. What do you mean? You think he's that good? You just moved here last night.

You're saying he puts the gay.

You bought a shirt he knew you'd love.

You're saying he puts the gay in, John Wayne Gacy.

Yes, all right. He's going to be challenging for a regular ship next week, an opportunity that could completely change his entire life.

And that's what happens when you become a regular here, just like your next comedian's life changed only a month ago. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the most powerful forces in kill Tony history.

Somehow, internationally famous after only five weeks of being on the show, this is the future, one of the strongest regulars, a new 60 seconds every week.

He's yet to disappoint one of the most likable, coolest guys. Make some noise for Kill Tony's own Kim Patterson.

I don't care how good that gay nigga can say, he can't say nigga dawg.

Just me. I was on 6th Street and a crackhead said to me, he said, Hey nigga.

I said, Bro, you telling me that nigga over there is a liar.

He was pointing at a brick wall.

I'm like, Bro, I do not sell crack. He said. Hmm, well, you could've fooled me, bitch, and just walked away.

Let me tell y'all something, I'm a good person, so I sold him crack.

A force to be reckoned with. One minute, two seconds, brand new, another one, the Great Cam Patterson.

One of the top young, rising comedians in the world. How's it going? Cam good this shit crazy dog, look at this nigga man, four fucking below, what the fuck?

He's a viral sound right now, he's a viral sound effect from saying that he likes rocks, that he's not retarded, famously said.

I'm not retarded, but I love rocks.

He just gave Post Malone an actual seashell that he had in his pocket. It's a rock, that's a rock. what? Oh, that's a real rock, yeah.

Wow, that's incredible.

Cam Can I just say thank you for selling me crack and for forgiving me?

It's very suspicious that the crackhead's instincts are so strong that they literally know you have some kind of rocks in your pocket. It is so wild that they're so close to being correct. Do your instincts have to be that strong? Hey, when I was doing that show in Houston and I was selling them rocks, I saw a crackhead walked up. He was rapping. And so I signed a rock and I gave it to him. He was like, I can't smoke this nigga.

That is hilarious. What else has been going on in your life? Cam? You're newly famous, you're in Austin, you have your dream job, everything's happening. You're killing on the road, you sold out Houston, Texas. You're doing some of these massive theaters with me on the road. What else? A lot of white people take pictures with me. Dawg And it's crazy because Brock still got shit stains in my drawers, you know what I'm saying?

So to be like, this person is insane, you know what I'm saying? Wait, what?

I missed that, too. Some dude said he was gay earlier, I didn't hear it. I have no idea what you just said. Cam, what kind of white people are you hanging out with? No, you know what I'm saying.

Sometimes you get them bitches, you feel me, wait, they have shit stains on you. No, I said, I do. Why do you have shit stains? Sometimes it happens, you know?

What happens? Sometimes? You just don't, you know what I'm saying? No, I don't know.

What does that have to do with you taking pictures with white people? I just feel like I'm just like, it's crazy. I'm still like a fucking kid, basically, you know what I'm saying? Oh, I see, so it's kind of cool.

I'm trying to compare the maybe I went the wrong way. You get what I'm saying, bro. This episode is actually sponsored by Dude Wipes, so we're hooking you up with a lifetime supply of Dude Wipes. You said lifetime, Yeah, you said lifetime.

The mint flavor. Do you mean? You took a picture with the veteran who shit his pants earlier? Yeah, that's my dog, that's my nigga dog, man, I love it.

And you told us last week or the week before that you just started getting into white women. How's that been going for you? Pretty good.

You're a fucking machine cam. It is unbelievable. What else should we know before letting you go?

I just went to L.A. for the first time. Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah, it's actually interesting.

I follow the comedy store on Instagram and I'm always shocked to see how little. What's the word interaction? They have very few comments on the posts nowadays. But I clicked on the one that you were on and literally every comment was like, Holy shit. Cam Patterson. It was like a celebrity arrived. Which I find so interesting because you're literally the newest door guy here, but you're the biggest person that's popped into the comedy store in a while.

You woke them up. Very interesting. I think it's very telling of where the Austin and L.A. comedy scenes are right now, but it's no disrespect to you. That's incredible.

Disrespect to you, man. Yeah, yeah, well, you're the man cam. You did it again this week.

Another brand new minute.

Absolutely incredible. Come on, make some noise for Cam Patterson. Everybody not easy to kill every single week.

He'll be on the road with me. Some of these dates coming up pulled another name out of the bucket, another brand new 60 seconds. This looks like a new name.

For sure, make some noise for Eric Cozender, Everybody, Eric Cozender.

One more time for Eric. Everybody, let's go.

Well, first, I want to start off by saying, Am I right? Existence right now is so. I don't know if you know this, but I didn't ask to be here. Did you get asked to be here? No, none of us did.

Existence, to me, is wild. There is a guy upstairs with all of the IQ points, every single one of them. He is the smartest being in the universe and this was the best that he could do.

This is all he could do. We are flailing through the universe on a rock burning up. By the way, remember, I did not ask to be here. It is so bad that we, as a species, had to create an imaginary place to go after.

It is so bad that there is a guy somewhere on this earth.

I remember the first time I got high.

It sounded a lot like that.

You might be a little too good looking to do stand-up comedy. My friend, I don't know what's going on over here. Oh, did you ask to be born really handsome?

Is that weird?

Eric, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? This is my very first time. Oh wow, okay.

You full head of hair motherfucker. Okay, all right. What made you want to start here tonight? How old are you?

I'm 38.

Take a step that way, get off of fucking Post Malone's lap. you creepazoid me and Posty are cool dude, thank you.

You son of a bitch, Are you mad? Are you mad? Okay, Eric, let's talk about it. I said no to him before, so....

Yeah, second time's the charm. So you're starting stand-up comedy. How old are you? No, I'm not starting stand-up comedy. I am 38..

I just thought this would be fun to do. I just don't know was it fun to do. Yeah, I liked it. Isn't it fun to try shit that you've never done?

Don't you think it would have been fun for us to have somebody that prepared to be up here tonight?

You selfish fuck hey. To be fair, my best joke was the last one and it got cut off. I'm sorry. Finish it, let him finish.

Okay, do it, no, finish it, it's too late now. don't do it. No, let's hear his best joke.

Come on, stand back up there, here he is everybody, finishing his joke. Eric Cozender You got a bony ass, yeah.

Here he is finishing. The best joke was the last one Take a fuck, Eric, listen to me, Eric, take two steps, fucking back.

No, he told me to sit next to him. I'm the host. Take fucking two steps that way and don't come back this way, you son of a bitch.

You non-joke-having motherfucker, all right, look, come on, let's hear the best joke. This is just it's not gonna be good because it's cut off now.

No, yeah, just pretend like there's a minute of unfunny Jesus talk. Okay, so here it is. Okay, Eric hit us with it. There's literally a guy out there on earth somewhere, see?

That is telling someone else, Dude, I know it's bad now, but wait until you die, it gets better.

Oh, there it is. This is what you wanted. You're 38 years old, okay, Kurt? With a full head of vanilla ice here.

Okay.

Eric Eric, here you go. Here's a little joke book we're getting you out of here, buddy, there he goes.

Eric Cozender, who will always be known as.

Nice to meet you Eric. get the fuck out of here, Eric, Eric, get out of here, boo him.

Get a fucking boo him.

Eric tried to fuck Post Malone.

Ladies and gentlemen, royalty has arrived. The King of Austin, Ron White.

Oh my god.

Let me settle something, Okay, yeah.

That's my new dog, that's Maddie.

I wanted to name her Smudge, but it got shot out of the sky.

My girlfriend's dog is Sophie, and we were going to breed her a couple years ago to a friend of ours that had the same dog, Shih tzu. And we had some friends that wanted one, so that's what we were going to do. And she was out of town the day before, they were going to bring that dog over. And she called me and said, Oh, you got an appointment for Sophie at the groomer tomorrow? I want to get her all fixed up for her big day. And I'm like, I don't think you understand how this works. She's in heat, that dog's going to come over, smell her and fuck her and then go home.

And the next day, I forgot to do it, so I just shaved her pussy. Is that weird?

Thanks, I just wanted to stop in and say hi, Ron White, everybody, the guy that started the Austin comedy fucking movement.

Make some noise for Ron White and his sweet little dog, everybody.

Sweet little dog.

You guys want to do something crazy. How many of you have been fans of the show for a long time?

Well, then you might know that. At the 10-year anniversary show, one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show retired and was replaced by Cam Patterson. But good news is that he was given the option to do a new minute on the show anytime he wants. Ladies and gentlemen, Future Kill Tony Hall of Famer, Legend of the game, Rose God, David Lucas, Everybody.

Yeah.

I hate the generation we live in. Every kid gets a trophy, generation where parents want all their kids to be special they be getting....

They be giving these niggas diseases like autism and Asperger's, and these motherfuckers be regular as shit like.

I feel offended because I grew up with a real retard, you know what I'm saying? I grew up with a retarded uncle. His name is cash, and a lot of people are like, why do you feel comfortable calling your uncle retarded? And I'm like, spend five minutes with this motherfucker.

And you gonna call him retarded-ass nigger?

Like, get this retarded nigger away from me, man, what the fuck?

And the crazy part about it is this motherfucker has the biggest dick I've ever seen on a human. This motherfucker got a 13-inch dick on soft and he don't even know how to use it. He don't even know what a dick's supposed to get hard. His dick get hard from scrambling eggs, this nigga don't even know.

That's how I know God got a sense of humor. Because, you know, that's some bullshit. Man, like, God gotta be a female, because only a female would do some bitch-ass shit like that. Why you get that motherfucker a 13-inch dick and he can't use it? I'm up here telling jokes.

I could've been doing OnlyFans bitch, what the fuck? All right, that's my time, man, thank you.

The return of a legend, the great, the Powerful, David Lucas.

Post Malone meet Roast Malone, What's up, boy? Your ass look like an unemployed crocodile hunting nigga?

That motherfucker crazy.

Boy, it look like you let my daughter color your face, boy.

You look like you asked my daughter to write her ABCs nigga.

You don't give a fuck no more boy, you got too much money, dog. This motherfucker went to the tattoo shop and said, Tattoo satisfactory under my eye.

Look at Tony Boy, you look like a gay klansman, nigga. put that hood on. Well, I basically, anytime I'm around you, I feel like a gay klansman. You look like a gay gallon of milk, nigga.

That shit full of semen nigga.

Dude, that's for real, that's true, dude, that motherfucker got 12-inch toenails nigga.

You gotta put a fireman boot on, nigga. That's just the real power. Look at Kurt Mesker.

Oh my god, oh my God. David Lucas coming in bigger and blacker than ever. I mean, just absolute weight has been gained for sure. You look like the climax....

I'm smaller, you fucking fat, you look like the climax of Oppenheimer nigga. Why you? why you put on white bitch, you about to get baptized nigga?

They dip that nigga in the water booty first. Boy, you were the only kid to get baptized with his t-shirt still on.

It's good when I can get one out. Hey, when they put your booty in the water, it looked like a hot tub turned on. Nigga, you're like, we got jets in here.

I love it. How's the summer been treating you, David? You're sweating bullets. It's 73 degrees in here right now for those of you just watching on YouTube.

You skinny nigga, it's truly 73.5 degrees. I'm looking directly at it. You're a baby pigeon nigga. you don't fucking feel nothing.

What are you talking about?

Baby flamingo, nigga, your ass perched up right now. Oh my goodness, you got some athletic Klansmen gear on nigga, your ass. Play basketball for the Klans.

Boy, your ass.

You scored 23 points against the Black Panthers, Nigga.

That is incredible. I miss you Joe. I'm sorry. I've been gone for so long. I've been on the road. I miss you so much Joe.

That's my nigga boy, I miss you too. I love you dog, that's my boy, post Malone.

What's up buddy? How's it going, David? Tell us more. You've been on the road, what's going on out there?

Shit, man, been on the road touring. I'm filming my special right here at The Mothership and the Little Boy September 22nd and the 23rd.

So thankful to Joe Rogan, man, he gave us comedians that are not safe, and the ones that don't adhere to the regular rules, a safe haven. Here at the Mothership. And the rest of the world is catching on with what we're doing. Baby, you know what I'm saying? Goddamn motherfucking, right? I noticed you didn't do, Joe, though.

Huh, I noticed you didn't do, Joe. That's my daddy man. I can't lose my daddy man.

David finally found his dad, everybody.

Look at those fucking wheels turning, Hey Tony, your daddy is rupaul nigga. Get the fuck up out of here.

Tony had to walk the catwalk at Four Nigga.

He had heels on at four. Boy, your ass was out here in fucking fishnet pantyhose at four years old. Boy, you was a nasty motherfucker boy, you didn't even have no training, pants on, boy.

What the fuck are you talking about? You didn't even wear pullovers. You are bigger than ever. What have you been doing? How did you gain weight?

Tell the people out there they want to know these are fanciers. What have you been doing on the road, you on the Patrice O'Neal diet?

What's happening out here?

Kurt, Please shut up Nigga.

Kurt, you can't say a fucking thing, boy, your ass. you look like a struggling werewolf, nigga, your ass.

A werewolf that ain't killed in a long time your ass.

He wait for a full moon that bitch ain't in a long time, seven months.

Pollution is a motherfucker, ain't it, Kurt? your ass, that motherfucker? Go outside ready to howl.

I'm in West Nyack, New York, August 27th, Nashville, Tennessee, August 30th, Zany, Chicago, August 31st, Rosemont, Illinois, September 1st. Make sure y'all pull up on me, man.

Thank y'all for everything. There he is, he's on the in-n-out tour right now. David Lucas brought you a fuckin jack-in-the-box.

Amazing one more time for David Lucas. Everybody, come on, this is a real live, fuckin show that was fuckin amazing.

That was amazing, yeah, and I think it's about to stay amazing. We had a young lady pulled out of the bucket a couple months ago who actually broke the all-time kill Tony record for longest length of an interview. Because she was so interesting, and we ended up finding out that she stormed the Capitol and she became a legend. This is only her second time ever on the show.

She's inside, make some noise for Karen Jones, everybody.

This way, Karen.

To the people that are trying to take you away.

It's great to be back. Thank you, thank you. This is so exciting. I can't believe the panel, but I'll get right to it.

Here's to the bee that stung the bull, started the bull to bucking, same dang bee that stung you and me and started the world to fornicating.

Birds do it and fly, spiders do it and die, dogs do it and stick to it. But I don't do it, you know why?

Thank you.

So we have pedophilia and then we've.

Thank you, okay, Karen Jones. A lot of awkward, poetic sets tonight people are having. Where were you on the evening of the Tate-Labianca murders?

I was a child, I'm not quite that old. It was very exciting. She was at her house on Haunted Hill.

You are an interesting lady. Karen Jones. Welcome back. Have you been doing stand-up comedy? Well, I've been doing a little bit. I've been out in the sticks, so I haven't had very many opportunities, but I've done a few one-minute sets.

At Shakespeare's Okay, and then I did.

Probably a five-minute set in Driftwood. Okay, you're getting very specific, I guess you've been doing stand-up comedy, I'd like to be doing more. I wish that I was in the city, but I was out in Medina after I did the last set. And there's nothing going on out there in that part of Hill country.

Was it a funky, cold? MeDina? Okey-dokey, So Karen, we know nothing about you really other than that. You stormed the Capitol allegedly. Oh, it's up to, allegedly, now.

Well, no, storming is such a strong word. Oh okay, sometimes I forget when you're talking to a stormer, they get a little defensive about the terminology that you call them.

I'm sorry, can I just say, Karen, I don't feel like old sex is the same as kid sex.

Well, exactly that's my point. There's nothing cool about old people and sex. Okie, Dokie, let's go back to the not-storming of the Capitol.

Have you gotten any backlash from your appearance on the show where you talked about literally storming the Capitol? Well, the newspaper that made the allegations in public said that I came on here and boasted about it and they called you an amateur comedy show. Oh, okay. They did not mention that it was a Joe Rogan's mothership, they said. A January 6th the January 6th person was boasting in an amateur comedy club. And then they listed all of my confessions, and it's just, you know, they really want me to go to jail.

Was this newspaper a voice inside your head?

Those things are fucking on sag strike right now, those are screen actors, guild tits. Those things did not storm the. You must have been tripping all over those trying to get in there, that's what I mean. Those stop more people than the security there.

They're 38 longs. Okay, hell yeah.

Oh God, oh Jesus. Yeah, I think I just got bingo.

35 Long mixed with 75. Lady Holy shit, Karen, how do you make a living now? what exactly do you do? Whose bed do you hide under at night? To scare their kids professionally into doing their homework or something like that?

I'm a volunteer. Do you guys know that for just a thousand dollars, you can hire her to scare your kids to death?

I do scare my grandchildren a lot. It's something I enjoy, it's fun. My most recent work was working on a ranch for Gold Star families, run by Kinky Friedman and his sister, Marcy. It's called Echo Hill.

That's where I was staying down there, in a trailer. I can't go home right now because I've been signing up for this every week and I'm on a no-fly list. They wouldn't even let me pick up the Gold Star. Are you serious? dead serious?

They tried to arrest me at the Austin airport last Christmas, and they read me, My, there's a special TSA rights thing I wasn't even aware of, and they were trying to get me there. Okay, okay, okay.

Are you telling me that kinky? Friedman outlived Don Imus? Yes, he did. That's what you wanted to say? Oh my god, 46 years old.

Can we get Virgin John Daly's for Kurt from this point on? Is that a Don Imus reference on Kill Tony? This is an amateur comedy show. Holy shit, nothing better than 2023 for a hot Don Imus drop, Kurt.

He's playing to the back of the room. Kinky is up there in years, but we did a five city tour at the beginning of the summer. I apologize, I apologize to everyone in this room. No, I'm the tour granny.

That's work that I do, and I would book the hotels and assist him. So anyway, Kinky's great. Okay, please forgive me, but anyway, you want to hear about me almost getting arrested at the Austin airport. And then a kid missed his flight for the first session of the Gold Star camp. So I go by Granny at camp and they said, Well, Granny will come pick him up at the airport.

So anyway, I went to the airport.

Have you ever done? It? Should be a short answer. I attend school board meetings, and the Department of Justice was like targeting people that speak at school board meetings. But I've never been angry or threatening. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop talking.

You answer questions like, you're at a congressional hearing. Karen, This is like a yes or no type of question that I'm asking you. Have you ever done anything that could possibly lead to you being on a no-fly list other than January 6th? That big fucking thing that happened that you were part of, absolutely not okay.

So that's interesting. I wonder if everybody, do, you know, is there like a January 6th meet-up group? Do you guys like communicate online? I find it weird that none of you guys would talk to each other after having such a well, we're scared to.

But I'm not as scared as some people because I've been naughtier than most, but nothing that would get me on a no-fly list.

The DUI story You didn't even ask me.

Oh, thank God, yes.

Imus was pretty big back then. Yeah, KarEn Jones I don't know what medicine you're on, but this is like watching Requiem for a dream. Just certain parts, like falling asleep and waking up. I think your hair got grayer while you were up here. Literally. She's been on this show before, there she goes, everybody.

Karen Jones Everyone there. She goes, yep, she always pretends like she doesn't know which direction to go. That's how you end up at the Capitol on January 6th, just being like, Which way do I go?

I'll go that way.

You laugh. But she almost took over the country.

Pulled another name out of the bucket, make some noise for Drew Santana. Everybody Drew Santana.

Here we go, we're all meeting him together. The kill tony debut of Drew Santana. Everybody make some noise for Drew, everyone, these guys wait all night for this.

Thank you all right. I'm taking applications for.. ..

I didn't expect this. I'm taking applications for a full-time position as my sugar mama. I don't care how old you are, how blown out your titties are if they're hanging down to the floor. If you got a pink deployed airbag for a pussy.

If you can make me some chicky tendies and tuck me into bed at night, we can make this work, honey.

Anyone in here ever put coke up their butt?

A little booty coke, a little keister cane.