#639 - TIM DILLON

We have a bi-weekly show with the Kill Tony band, and the Secret Show is every single Thursday. Get tickets at sunsetstripatx..com and now a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you. Live from the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Yeah, make some noise for Red Band, everybody.

Sold out shows in Austin, Texas, for this show. How about that? That's cool doing arena, that's pretty cool, right? And you're here in a fucking, basically a tiny box with us.

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That's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Paul Diemer on the horns, Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, the great John Dees on the keys and the undeniable Dee Madness on the bass guitar. Everybody.

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Every single week, sometimes it's one, sometimes it's two, sometimes it's three. There's been upwards of six guests on here at a time. This week is a special one, my goodness.

One guest needed one guest only, literally. Without a doubt one of the most legendary guests in the history of this show.

One of the greatest comedians on planet Earth, our guest tonight is Austin's own Tim Dillon.

Yeah, fuck, yes, make some fucking noise for Tim Dillon, yeah.

Thank you, I just got back. I was a hostage in the Middle East.

Kind of doing my part, I love it. You're absolutely everywhere and now you are here. We couldn't be happier. I'm excited.

You know the show, you know it well, you've done it in the belly room, the main room, fucking everywhere.

That we've done it in Austin, Texas, Vulcan Gas Company. Maybe there was another place I don't remember, and here at the Mothership.

Very, very exciting. We're gonna have a lot of fun. Luckily, you know how it works, I don't have to explain it, but just in case somebody brought a wonky girlfriend or something that doesn't know how it works. A ton of people signed up for the opportunity to get 60 seconds uninterrupted on this stage.

If I pull their name out, you know, their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then, or else, they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them and leads us into the interview portion of the show, where we find out more about them and what makes them special. You guys ready to start the show?

Well, you know, I could go to the bucket and I will in order to pre-pick. And we're going to grab the person from next door. That looks like a good one and they're going to be waiting. But in the meanwhile, we're going to start the show with one of our esteemed regulars, everybody, you know them.

You love them. I present to you the man defending his regular ship on New Year's Eve. This is the great Hans Kim, everybody.

This is Hans Kim.

Thank you guys, good to be here. I love it when there's a conflict in the Middle East, cause I get to find out which of my friends I thought were Mexican.

I shouldn't be flying with.

I've been getting a lot of hate online for my jokes about the Israel-Palestine conflict. A lot of people online have been calling me a Jew hater, which I hate, cause for a second there, I think they're calling me a Jew.

Jew No hater, okay?

My girlfriend has recently been getting on my ass, she's like, you gotta shave, cause when I kiss you it hurts. When you have a 5 o'clock shadow, I'm like, you think that hurts?

Try rubbing the tip of your dick on your September O'clock shadow.

Thank you. There he is exactly 60 seconds Hans Kim with another new minute.

Very exciting, thank you, it's very new.

What'd you say? It's very new. How'd you feel like that went? I felt like that went better inside my head, where I was just inside my own head. The Mexican joke is killer, because that is true.

You can never tell these days, it's crazy, it's unsettling.

Those brownies, those brownies, that's what I call them. If you don't know which ones they are, it's crazy.

I recently went to a Thai restaurant and I thought they were Thai, but it turns out they're Mexican.

How was the food? The pad Thai tasted a little bit Mexican.

It was a little sweet, but the curry was great. So I don't know what it is with Mexicans and curry, but they really got away with curry, these Mexicans.

This is like a Nazi cooking show, like a white supremacist cooking. Rice, Mexicans, Thai.

Hans, you're all over the news this week. I can't believe you didn't really cover that. Oh, yes, you didn't talk about that. In your brand new minute. You forgot that for the first time ever in your life, you were in the world. News, yes.

Thank you.

Might be worth acknowledging. I got on the news for telling a joke that The New York Post thought was off color, so that's a good sign. I take that as a compliment. They called you an idiot.

What they called him an idiot, idiot comic. Oh wow, there was no one in the article calling me an idiot.

They just wanted to call me an idiot, so they put it in quotes. Yeah. New York Post quickly becoming TMZ, while TMZ is becoming more of a legitimate news source. It's kind of weird, but TMZ covered you this week too. Oh shit, I don't know.

You didn't know that? I had no idea. And the rolling stone covered you today. Yes, in Brazil. Yes, oh, it was the Brazilian rolling stone.

My team, my council, did not tell me. It was the Brazilian Rolling Stone. Thank you McVader. Did you see Hans in the Rolling Stone today? No, I didn't get a chance to read the Brazilian Rolling Stone. You fucking goofballs.

Who's on the cover of the Brazilian Rolling Stone? Just anybody.

The Brazilian Rolling Stone, Funny enough, written by Thai people. You never know what you're going to get. There's always role reversal happening here. But it was a Matthew Perry joke, correct? Would you like to do the joke that got you in trouble?

Let's see if we can get you in trouble again. Double trouble, yeah. Matthew Perry, Matthew Perry, fat bloated corpse, recently passed away. Very sad, you know? For a guy on a show called Friends, he could have used a couple.

No, that's not it. You didn't even do your own joke, you did not set it up, right? You are really an idiot comic. Hans Incredible.

It's Matthew Perry drowned in a hot tub. For a guy that was on friends, you think he would have a couple of them.

Really not worth cancelling anyone over. definitely not. The only person that ended up cancelled in the whole thing was Matthew Perry.

You survived with your head above water. Yes, I mean the New York Post.

Yeah.

The New York Post made Matthew Perry's life miserable when he was alive. I'm just talking about him when he's dead. That's a really good point. Yeah, wow.

Who cares? If you're dead? You can say anything like, Fuck Bob Barker, whoa.

Wait a minute, beloved Bob Barker. Triple B has been brought into the field. This play is under review. How dare you talk about the unbelievably cool the band that was there with us on all of our sick days?

As a child, you went straight for Bob Barker. Normally, when a Korean's roasting a barker, they're about to eat a dog, Oh.

Thank you, thank you. Oh, that wasn't tease, okay, that was the price is right theme on piano, everybody.

Red band over here, Yeah, you got it. Oh, 8-bit, that's always good.

No, don't, don't, don't Hans. Anything else exciting happen this week. My girlfriend and I got into a huge argument.

Let's talk about that, she.

Wants me to come over all the time. She very rarely makes the drive over to see me, and, you know, I got really mad at her. I was like, you're taking away my time. I really want a podcast.

You're not letting me podcast and it really is hurting my comedy career. I'm being mentioned in Brazilian Rolling Stone.

So what did she say to that? She was like, Okay, I'll do more of what you want, and today I jerked off on her. Wow, you love jerking off on her.

This is incredible. So when you're jerking off on her, is she fully clothed? She? Is this a thing? It seems like she's not contributing at all to this.

Is she awake when it's happening? It's better when she's not?

HanS No, she's fully awake and consenting. Is she clothed? I can't picture this. She starts out clothed, and then she does one of these, where she lifts it above her tits.

That's where I ejaculate on to, Oh my god, wow, you're basically just a one man band. That's the Bart Kreischer move.

She rips at you, she's like, I'm the machine.

Hot.

Like, one of those fucking little wet naps or something. Yeah, I have a little towelette I got and then I wipe it off, but at her house, I just use toilet paper. Oh God, amazing.

You ladies are really missing out letting Hans Kim be out there. Taken on the market, I'm sure this is what everybody wants. Little bits of toilet paper in their belly button. I mean, what an opportunity of a lifetime.

Absolutely incredible. double ply. Yes, the finest. okay, very good, absolutely.

The quilted picker-upper.

All right.

Hans Way to get the show started. You did it again. We love you. That's Hans Kim. Everybody, we're going to get through tonight's episode.

We're pre-picking another name, the Bucket of Destiny. Anything can happen. This is 60 seconds straight out of the bucket. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the part where we find perhaps the new talent of the world.

Perhaps a completely insane person. Truly. Anyone can sign up and anything can happen. Your first bucket full 60 seconds uninterrupted and then an interview.

Going to Olivia Carter, everybody, Olivia Carter, here we go.

I hate my brother's fiance, she hasn't worked in a year because she's writing a children's book. And I was like, that can't take more than an hour.

What? And I know she doesn't like me either, because she's always like, God, you're so thin and I'm like, so are children's books?

And I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to ruin their wedding. And I think I've decided I'm going to lose like a concerning amount of weight. Like, a conversation's worth.

And I'm going to show up like.

I'm on a hunger strike until the Children of America get a new book.

That's it. Fuck yeah. Olivia Carter Absolutely, that's a real comedy set right there, thank you.

Hell yeah, welcome, this is your first time here, right? Yes, it is amazing.

I love that children's book stuff. We actually have a friend that wrote a successful children's book, The Great Jesus. Trejo, one of our former co-workers and co-paid regulars at the comedy store, and he's very successful with it. And I was thinking, all those things that you said when I was talking about it.

He's like, showing it to me, I'm like, Wow, dude, you must have really fucking, like, really worked on this. It's like, goo, goo, ga ga. And then we saw a dog, and then there's a dog.

I'm like, What the fuck? I'm like, how much are you making? Is she successful from that? No, she's done nothing right.

No children even want to read that shit. No, she's still working on it, what's it about? She doesn't know yet. Oh shit.

Inspiration has to strike when it strikes. It's going to be after she's married.

That's amazing. What do you do for a living? I'm trying to do comedy. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years?

Three years where at I was in Chicago, just moved to New York. Okay, what made you go to New York?

I want to do the scene in New York, right? You want to stay cold through the winter? Yeah, I want to freeze, absolutely.

Is that where you're from? Originally Chicago? I'm from Kansas. Okay, so you're making progress.

Yeah, how long were you in Chicago for three years? about? Yeah.

Right, and now you've been in New York City for how long, like four or five months, four or five months, and how long are you in Austin, Texas?

For I'm here all week, baby, you're all week look at that, absolutely.

The joke was, fucking awesome. thank you. yeah, awesome show. thanks. it's amazing.

So how do you survive? Um, okay.

How do I survive? I have a day job, I'm a sales assistant. Okay, yeah. Make dinner reservations and schedule massages for people.

I was just about to say, you don't have a sales, you know? Yeah, I'm not very charming, right? Yeah, I just feel like you'd be like, So you want it?

They're like, No, you're like, Good, I get it.

I don't want this shit either, it doesn't work.

You make dinner reservations and schedule massages. Looks like you really found your own jizz lane for yourself. Thank you. Yeah, it's not too bad. In terms of day jobs, it's pretty chill.

I get to work from home sometimes, right? So it's not too bad, that's cool. What's your living situation in New York City?

Very expensive, it is really expensive. We just had a couple move out so we were splitting it four ways, and they moved out because they thought we lived in a dangerous area. It's not what area is it?

I live in Bushwick, it is.

Exactly when you come from Chicago, nowhere is a dangerous area, right? I'm like, it's fine, he just wants to see where you live.

You'd fit in anywhere you'd be in Gaza right now, being like, whatever, man, it's really outdoorsy, it's cool, it's not humid.

No humidity here, it's fantastic. Yeah, so now our rent's a bit expensive, but it is what it is. I've accepted it.

I'm just eating it. Absolutely. What do you do for fun? What are you into? I recently discovered the power of mushrooms.

Wow, I've been micro-dosing mushrooms and it's changed my god damn life. I didn't know I could be so happy all the time. To be fair, I'm not sober all the time, but it's really like, I feel like it's a cure for anxiety.

It seems to be, it's definitely not.

It's certainly not a cure for anxiety. There's no doctor saying that, yeah.

But it's not a bad thing to do, Dr. Joe Rogan thinks that it is. He's been right about everything. Do you think it's a bad thing to do?

No, but you don't think you should use it as a micro-dose daily thing. Eventually you'll have to start macro-dosing. Then you're just on mushrooms, then you're just eating an eighth of shrooms in the morning.

It's not a problem, you know?

Merry Christmas. It's a lot. Yeah, you don't want to get too energetic and outgoing. I'm already off the walls.

Right?

I love it. What do you like to do after you eat the mushrooms?

I'm a runner, I like to run on mushrooms because you kind of don't feel your body, you can just go.

Sorry, I farted. Is there something chasing you? When you're running? I do have an app that tells you that zombies are chasing you, so you run faster. Really. You're like an episode of Black Mirror.

I have an app.

You haven't heard? It's called zombie run, you put it on when you're running, it's like, Do you know what I'm talking about?

Oh yeah, big runner, Red Band over here, I do know it. He puts it on to fall asleep at night. Me and Red Band have an app where it says the zombies are outside so we don't leave the house.

It's the app that we have, it's called Stay In.

Amazing, and you just look out in New York, running, listening to zombie noises, pretending like, the migrants are the zombies. I'm guessing, Am I correct? No, what do I pretend?

No, I pretend they're real zombies. What's your love life like?

Ask all the boys this It feels weird when I ask, Yeah, it's cool, it's fine. New York dating is weird.

It's too over-saturated, there's too many boys. I feel like it's because there's such beautiful women in New York. And sometimes you fuck up and you fuck a weird guy, and then that weird guy thinks that he deserves hot women and they don't.

And so when you're dating out there, they're like, I could do better, and you're like, No, you're not. This is the best it's going to get. And that's just Pete Davidson. It's incredible.

It's absolutely amazing. That's all it takes is one hoe to throw off the whole economy.

Incredible. Do you offer two-handed massages when you she doesn't give the massages? I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. if you're interested, you just got booked on a real show.

And here's the big toppa can you catch? Oh, thank you, nice.

Alright, Erin. Here's some zippix toothpicks as well. they're nicotine toothpicks. You're going to love those. Thank you so much.

You can throw them at the zombies or whatever. There she goes, Olivia Carter, everybody, she's on Instagram at O.G. Carter.

Hell yeah, there she goes, and we're back to the bucket, you guys get it. We just met one, now we're going to the next one.

Alright, make some noise for your next 60 seconds. Going to Matt Robertson, everybody, Matt Robertson, we're going to meet him all together.

Thank you, thank you.

It takes me forever to cum, you know, during sex. I'm sure people have that problem. Waiting for me to cum is like waiting for Jimmy Carter to die. Like, it seems like it should have happened a while ago.

But I'm still just like lying there. Yeah, I'm divorced, obviously.

Yeah, the worst part is my ex got custody of the kid. That really hurt, you know. To be fair, I was her daughter from a previous marriage, but I thought she got something, you know.

Something out of this? But I'm dating single moms now, that's just the lane I'm in. Dating single moms is kind of like dating a prisoner. You know, you see them like, once a month.

For 30 minutes, you got to talk in like hushed tones like, Shh, it'll be okay. I love you just a couple more years, you know?

The kid's like the warden, like, hurry it up, let's watch Spongebob, I need Peppa pig, let's go chicken nuggets.

No touching, get off my mom. Learn to cum quicker, you know?

Thank you, there it is Matt Robertson with exactly a minute. Oh yes, this is your first time on the show, right? Matt?

No, I was on with grapefruit. Greg Fitzsimmons at Vulcan. I wore the Superman shirt, he said. The only thing I had in common with Superman is that we both look like we got changed in a telephone booth. That's right.

I said it funnier, I enunciated into the microphone when I did that, and it went boom, the whole crowd went wild.

So Matt Robertson, how long you been doing stand-up? Probably like six, seven years. How often do you perform? Not as often lately, I've just been busy with work.

What kind of work are we talking about? I was doing set decoration for films and stuff, set dressing. But then the strike happened. So I went back to waiting tables. I waited tables at a Japanese restaurant, Gotcha.

All right, the single mom joke is good. Thank you. Thanks, Tim Dillon. It could be better, but it's good.

It could all be better. It's not the greatest, but it is good. Oh, thank you. That'll keep me going, that'll keep suicide off for a while.

Jesus, I feel like you are standing on the Golden Gate bridge. As we have this conversation, I'm like, It's good, you're like, Yeah, all right.

You do have those vibes. Why a Japanese restaurant? It was the only place that hired me. What do you think you did to get the job there? I showed up.

I applied to a lot of places. Why did they hire you? I don't know, I'm not very good at it.

I do my best. I'm not a very good waiter, but I'm personable, I try to have fun because that culture, let's be honest.

It's not the most warm. No, they're very. Have you not been anywhere? but they're efficient.

Yeah, even a lot of Japanese people show up and right before you say their name. They're like three waters, two gears. No, they know what they're doing, but there's no hugs. They're very put together and you're a bad....

You're admitting to being a bad server. I don't think I'm the best. Those people are at the table, like, Is this waiter ever going to come?

Send them up, you knock them down. Yeah, no, I'm good at it, I do my best and I haven't been fired or disciplined.

You've never been disciplined. No, no, that's a good thing. I was written up once. Do they know you're working there?

Yes, they're aware. What did you get written up for? A lady said I was high out of my mind, which is impossible. It was like, three hours after that.

And then?

Wait, a customer said that, yeah. But it was 110 degrees and I was on a patio. I was having heat stroke and shit. And I was like, Can I get you more?

Dude, that's the best that a customer went to, probably a Japanese person, right? No, a white lady. And she gaslighted me because the whole time she was like, it was so great. And then she left and was like, Fuck that I didn't have a good time.

I hated it actually, and wrote my manager. She was laughing the whole time and then retroactively had a shit time that she didn't let me know about. I would have changed something. Maybe you thought she was having a good time, but you were high.

I think that a lot about women.

Is everything that you talked about true? You really take a long time to come? Not so much anymore because I'm off antidepressants. It's like the opposite, it's like 30 seconds or a minute.

I would get back on them. Yeah, well, no, I. It's from the interaction. No, because the last girl I was dating, I think, because I never came, she kind of left.

She would jerk me off for a long time and blow me and then try to fuck me and I'd have to go sneak in. When you say jerk you off a long time. was this at the Japanese restaurant? No, I probably would have come jerk you off long time. Oh yeah.

I see what you did there. Yeah, you did it. I just noticed it. I didn't even do it. I just repeated back what you said.

You're like, she jerked me off long time. I'm like, whoa, whoa. All right, the Japanese, they're very good people. My granddad actually fought the Japanese in World War II.

You might not want to tell your employers about that. Oh, they know I bring it up all the time. These guys hate me. He killed a lot of them.

Like, 19 100 pounds soaking wet guadalcanal. They were high, too, because he was in the air Force. Oh yeah, army, all right.

When's the last time you hooked up with a woman? When did you get off the antidepressants? About 15 years ago? I went to rehab and they took them away. You went to rehab for what?

Just alcohol and weed. It sounded like heroin. There, there was a real pause.

Alcohol I kind of did everything. I was kind of a dirtbag. I would do coke from a guy at the bar named JD. He's in jail now.

Prison?

Thanks for telling us that it was prison, not jail.

He's a heavy hitter, he's not a pussy, he's in prison, dude.

How long are you sober?

I'm not sober, I drink now, I can do it good.

I figured it out, it is a game, you can hack it. I did shrooms before I came on here. I think that might have made it less shitty.

I'm microdosing a little right now. There's a theme tonight, everybody, what is going on? This is a special microdose episode of Kill Tony. I'm out of my mind tonight.

You know what that sound means, everybody?

A lot of mushrooms here tonight. I'm losing it a little bit, losing what? Yeah, a lot. No, it's fun.

Did you hear that? Yeah, the Nintendo sound? yeah, Nintendo stuff. What are you talking about?

You guys hear it, right?

It's not just me.

Matt, I like your style, dude. You've been doing it a long time. You probably should have had a slightly better set.

It was good enough for a big joke book. Did you get a joke book? Last time you were on? I got nothing, you got nothing, I got the boot.

Here you go, you ready.

There you go.

There you go, Matt Robertson. Everybody, thank you so much.

Let's get another bucket pool. I like the momentum that we have right now, we're going to keep our next regular warmed up back there. Let's see what happens here with the comedy stylings of Heath Underhill, Heath Underhill.

It's a good name, good comedy name. Make some noise for Heath underhill, everybody.

How convenient would it be to be addicted to sucking dick and crack?

Like, you run out of crack, you're like, Yay, I'm out of crack.

Let's go get some crack.

I got broken up with about a year ago. ever since then, I've been working on my revenge body.

I said, I'm working on it, you fucking assholes.

If you don't know what a revenge body is, that's when somebody breaks up with you. You work out really hard, eat real healthy, try and get in real good shape so you can kill your ex.

I've been working hard too, man. I feel like I could almost take her.

Really well paced out, great execution. You've been on this show before, correct? Yes, sir, about a year ago.

Yeah, and that went pretty good too, huh? Yes, not this good. This was flawless. Yeah, it was absolutely perfect.

You seem like a real fucking pro. Remind us how long have you been doing stand-up? Four years, all of it here in Austin, started in Chattanooga, Tennessee.

Where are you at now? I'm in Austin for how long now? a little over a year. Beautiful.

You're exactly where you should be. Yes, sir. Everything is all happening for you. What do you do for a living? I actually just got a new job.

I'm selling HVAC parts, working in the warehouse. What were you doing before? He was my personal trainer?

We've been making some progress, starting slow, building, getting there. Revenge is a dish, best served cold.

And hot ice cream and spaghetti, we take it hot or cold, man, I love it. What do you like to eat?

Everything you know that I do, you say that like, you ate my ass this morning, you know that, Tony?

Oh yeah, we actually have a recording of it.

My ass-eating face Hey Gerbil, get back in there. Wait, Gerbil.

Gerbil, get over here, get back in there, all right, red band, relax, okay?

Oh, here's D-madness's first pee break of the night. Here we go.

I like to call him pee madness. Sometimes this guy urinates like someone with four eyes. All right, Keith, since you were last on the show a year ago, what's happened in Austin?

Give us a good something, a night or a day, a night or a day. What's a good something that happened to you here? Well, for a few months, I was working, scooping dog shit out of people's yards.

It was fun.

Hell yeah, that's a job.

Not if you're smart, if you know what you're doing, you don't do that as a job. Hell yeah, then what happened?

I got bit by a pit bull. Oh, what ethnicity was the owner of that pit bull?

He's all right, he's a good guy, he's one of the good ones. You're holding back laughter right now, which leads me to believe you're not gonna say.

It's okay, it's a question. Let's just say it was a couple and they were mixed.

That's the official sound effect of mixed people. That is the theme to friends, everybody.

Amazing, Wow, I liked your joke about the weight loss revenge. I actually did that once.

I was engaged to a girl for like nine years and I lost 65 pounds in like three months. Because I was so pissed off. And cocaine and adderall, I remember that, no, it was weight watchers, you were alive back then.

I just cheated the point system. You were so alive, I remember that's when I met you. you were like a little skinny boy.

You still use those pictures of your avatars online.

You know me?

Hell yeah, you ever catfish anybody?

I tried you look like you. Can you explain to us how you tried? I don't know. You go on dates.

I'm really good at gaining weight, so I'll take a thin picture and then just gain all the weight. It's been a month. How does a thin picture work well? It's thin for me, not for normal people. Is it fun for you to take the thin pic and then you just eat?

Yeah.

You plan on meeting them a month later? Yeah, they're like, let's meet. I'm like, No, I got a few more barbecue spots to hit.

The last date that you went on, what was that like? I'm in a relationship right now. Oh, you are. What does she do? She works at a lavender store.

They have a lavender field and they make homemade.

A laven, they have a field. Oh my god, she's a Latina girl.

No, she's white, she's white. How come you didn't answer that when I asked the pit bull question?

Very quick to call her white, but when I say what color was the pit bull owner, it's a.

It was a good person, Tony, one of the good ones, Tony. She doesn't own a pit bull, right?

Okay, what's your favorite move in the bedroom to do with her? It's very interesting. You don't seem very agile.

Finger in's pretty fun, you do have some fucking thickies right there. I'm looking at those fucking fingers. She does too, she does too.

Oh shit, oh my goodness gracious. I am just hard as a rock right now.

Unbelievable. All right, my friend. Well, you were on a year ago. Did you get a big joke book? Back then? I did.

Well, there you go, you're doing everything absolutely correctly. Here's some zip-x toothpicks. take those, enjoy those.

Zip More, smoke less with Zip-X toothpicks. All right, I mean, we just got to get it going. Even though everything's business is booming, we're going to bring up one of our regulars.

Right now, everybody, this guy's an absolute fucking star. It's crazy to watch, perhaps the fastest growing fucking talent in the history of the show, make some noise for him.

This is a brand new minute from the great regular Cam. Patterson everybody.

I want to be an actor. Real bad, bro. But you got to pick your roles very precisely for your first one, because if you do your first role too good, that's your role forever now, like I used to, like a show called Snowfall. And there was a guy that robbed the main character. And then the main character hired somebody to rob him back to get the money back, and the guy he hired fucked him in the booty.

He raped him dawg, and they zoomed into his face getting raped.

That guy can't be batman.

All right, I didn't like that. It's more than that, but I like that. That's a good ending. It's more than that, for sure. Get out while the getting is good.

Tag it later this week. That's amazing, there's a lot more to that. But I mean, shit, yeah, that was 50 seconds, that was.

Yeah, that was great.

We wrote that shit in Phoenix, we did well, me and Kyle did. Oh, that's right.

KYLE Absolutely, it happens that easily. That shit was fun. We had a lot of fun that trip.

Phoenix was dope writing, laughing. It's all the same shit when you're doing what we're doing. So, yeah, who was it? They played that scene for me. Yeah, I played it for you.

I showed you that scene where he got fucked in the booty. I played it for you, that was crazy. What show was that snowfall?

Netflix No Hulu, Yeah. And they zoomed into his face and he played it real well, bro, that nigga played that shit.

You thought he got raped for real? You know what I'm saying?

It was crazy, bro, shit was insane. It was really good acting. Yeah, man, oh, he probably got raped before, maybe.

Who knows?

He could have got fucked in the booty before in prison or something. They were like, I found my calling in the middle of that. You know what I'm saying, you never know you've been to jail before, right? No, I ain't never been to jail.

I've always evaded them niggas dog always been really good at it, absolutely.

Your pitbull ever bite anybody? They bit that nigga. The last guy. it was you all along. He ain't want to tell you, but my pitbull bit his name Rocky. Why'd you name him Rocket?

No, rocky. oh rocky, because it fucks people up. Goddamn right, he do, yeah.

I love it how y'all doing y'all okay, hell yeah.

His girlfriend beautiful.

Oh shit, you want to rock? bitch? Oh shit, she just blushing. Oh my God.

Wow, look at the joy on her face. She's out here, hanging out with a full-size Peter Dinklage over here, she's about to run for the hills. Look at this doofus.

She's with, look at this fucking Yugoslavian basketball player here that she's stuck with. Who is Peter Dinklage, nigga?

He knows the game, he knows Watch the Throne, he doesn't know Game of Thrones. That's a rapper in an album. Why you put those two things together?

That's crazy, that's hard. Game of Thrones would be a great album. It would be a great album. Yeah, that would be the game.

Jay-Z and Kanye West on a unified front. See, I speak both languages. Tony a real nigga, Tony a real nigga, man. Did you hear that everybody?

Did you hear that? It's one of my favorite compliments that I get, and I get it all the time from specifically cool Black people. It's not the same when white people call you that at all. You're a real...

What the fuck, what the fuck, Redman? What the fuck, Redman? Wait a second. Did we just crack a code?

We can't say it, but the soundboard can.

Don't press it again, Redman, Don't you press that shit? No more nigga. We've got an itchy trigger finger over here.

Whoa D-madness threatening to urinate twice in seven minutes?

I like to go to my grandma's house when I'm home. She lives in Gainesville. I went back home to see my grandma. I love my grandma, she the best.

The only thing about going home for Thanksgiving is the food was terrible, really. I thought Black people used a lot of seasoning. We the best at it, but they old, all the elderly people in my family are old as shit.

The cook is old, so they don't know how to cook no more. All I ate was greens and rice, that's all I ate for Thanksgiving. That hurt my soul, damn.

Greens and rice shit sucked nigga, damn.

Alright, you have to find when the n-word is on that you can't just play n-w-a at random times. Jesus Redman.

Great stuff. No, no.

Oh, jeez, you're booing the n-word, he said. It, man, come on, what's going on right now, man?

We're having a conference on whether or not a soundboard is allowed to say the n-word on the show. It's very exciting. What?

Yep, that's right, it's Redman finger, you know what? To be honest, you guys were saying there are real N-word, and I was like, I know a song that's called that, and that song's called Real N-word, Don't Die, and I just hit play.

At the beginning, I didn't know that was at the beginning, I didn't know that was at the beginning. In his defense, I think his finger can do it because it is thick and white, and you know, who loves thick white things?

Hit the fucking button, Redman.

Ai can say it, Ti can say it, very few things can say it. Cam, I fucking love you. It's amazing the work we're doing.

You're absolutely killing everywhere, everything. You are a fucking beacon of what is possible on this show, from the bucket to fucking selling out and crushing all the time. Full, unbelievable shit. Cam Patterson Everybody take after him a bit.

We found him out of the bucket and now back to the bucket, we go. He's unbelievable every single week with the new minute and also on the road constant. He goes right before me on the theater shows now because it's just ridiculous.

The laughs that he gets, they're continuous, he's a fucking star. It's unreal. How about one more time for Cam Patterson?

All right, this looks like a fake name. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Joe Smith everyone.

Joe Smith.

What's up Texas?

I just moved here and I got to say, I don't give a fuck what Governor Hot Wheels says, you give me? 68 Michelob Ultras. I'll punch that fucking baby out your stomach because I'm progressive y'all. Cocaine is different around here, too.

I forgot about geography, Mexico's like right there.

PSA to sluts.

She fell off a little bit.

Alright, there you go. Joe Smith. Welcome Joe. Thank you. Is that your real name?

Yes, sir, you don't have warrants or anything. No, I do not. Joe Smith No, I do not.

Yeah, it's my real name. Wow, Okay, where are you from? Minersville, Pennsylvania, Minersville.

Yes, sir. Wow, that's a land of pedophiles, yeah.

A guy's been on here, the Mcrib guy, who Mcrib guy, Mike Quinn.

It's been a lot of episodes I know, I know, I know what happened. yeah, what happened. Remind us what you're talking about.

There's a dude from my hometown, he went up on here and you liked his Mcrib joke? Okay, hey, wait a minute. Oh, he's from your hometown.

Yes, sir, okay, but he's not a pedophile. No, I don't think so. Alright, that got real confusing.

Clear that up. That was a confusing exchange. Joe, So how long have you been here in Austin? Three weeks you live here?

Now I live in Waco. Okay, what made you move to Waco? I got dumped, so the girlfriend's mom blah, blah, blah, blah. That's over now.

Yeah, that's made up, right? Did she break up with you? You got dumped? Yeah, same girl broke up with me twice.

Why did she break up with you the first time? and why did she break up with you the second time? You seem like a completely stable human being. Uh no, uh, what the fuck? JNA Uh no, uh. Both times, I just didn't have shit going on.

Okay, like, what? yeah, can you give us an example of what you mean by that? Like, no job, no. Like, what did you have going on when she first got together with you?

Great question, Uh, I worked at a comedy club up in PA. okay in Pa. Souljoules.

Okay, I know. Souljoules. Yeah, yep, good guy. uh-huh.

Okay, and then you got fired from that? No, I didn't even get fired. He just like, ghosted me, that's getting fine. Fuck souljoules.

Fuck souljoules. Okay, I didn't get fired, the owner ghosted me.

Yeah.

And then she dumped you because she's like, if you're not gonna have the stability of souljoules.

Yeah, comedy Tent If you won't work at SoulJoules Comedy Tent, you're not gonna fuck me anymore. it literally is a tent, by the way.

That's not a joke, it's famously a tent. And he fucks old ladies. I wanted to say that since he goes to me, whoa, whoa, you don't have to throw your fucking....

Sorry, sorry, damn, maybe he got ghosted.

True ghosted. That's when a lady that you're banging dies from old age.

Okay, well, okay. So you got ghosted by the owner and then you moved to Waco? Yeah, after she broke up with me the second time. Why Waco? Oh, that's where my cousin lives. Okay, so you live with your cousin?

Yeah, and his two-year-old son, Okay, so you're crashing on the couch? Air mattress in the living room? I have my own room, just air mattress.

Okay, so you're an uncle? kind of, yeah.

That's cool. Yeah, it's looking up, family shit, you know, it's looking up. Yeah, it is looking up.

It is indeed looking up an air mattress in Waco, it's looking up, that's right. That is absolutely right. There are people that would rather go back into the Hamas tunnel than live in Waco on an air mattress.

It is true, it is true, it is. Are you trying to get another job? I got a job as a bartender.

Oh yeah, okay, what kind of bar? Just a bar. It's a burger joint. It's a burger joint that serves alcohol.

Is that in Waco? Yeah, okay, you smoke a lot of weed. No, no weed.

I just look like this, Yeah, you wear that shirt, yeah, with no weed.

No weed at all, no, no waco and baco.

No, no, just waco and cocaine, any drugs, cocaine. yeah, cocaine, just cocaine.

Just cocaine, yeah, for the most part, for the most part, by the way, makes total sense, yeah.

We believe you, you know, we get it. Yeah, no doubt about it. Where do you get this cocaine?

You get it at the bar, the burger bar, it's not good cocaine, right? That's what I'm wondering. It's something white.

This seems like the kind of guy that would have to keep Narcan under the air mattress. You know what I mean? No, just dudes, just dudes, just dudes under your air mattress.

No, no, the cocaine, right?

No, no. Female cocaine saleswomen not yet, no, right.

What's the craziest thing you've done on a bender?

Jerk off a long time. Whoa, what a wild night. You normally hear these cocaine people. Oh, I did a line off a tit.

Snorted out of a girl's asshole, not you. When you say a long time, how long is that? Yeah, that's a great question. I estimate like two hours, 45 minutes.

Whoa, two hours and 45 minutes. Oh my God, you fucking Schindler's fisted it. That is incredible. Did you not get bored?

45 minutes in No. I had to come down, Oh my God, you know the release?

Coming down from cocaine, you jerk off for two hours. usually. always. yeah, for two hours.

You're sticking to it like a Haitian on his way to America, shirking off it is just a Cuban refugee, like a migrant three-year-old nephew peeking through the door.

And it's deflating, so it's like I'm floating like a refugee. It's amazing, this is a beautiful country, it really is. it is amazing.

This is where someone barely, barely surviving can find a little bit of cocaine and jerk off. For two hours and 45 minutes, if I had to estimate, two hours and 45 minutes were your exact words, which makes it look like you had a clock that you were timing yourself with. No Oppenheimer was on.

Oh, okay, Oppenheimer is on. That makes complete sense, that makes complete sense, and meanwhile, you're just dropping bombs.

What an intense movie to jerk off to. What a special on an air mattress in Waco. Yeah, staring at nuclear explosions, working on your own Manhattan project over there.

Absolutely incredible. That's wild. Did you time it so that you came? When the bomb went off, I was hoping, Yeah, you dirty bastard.

I love history.

Bro, I can't wait to see what you do. When you find the Pearl Harbor movie. Dude, you're going to fucking lose your shit, oh my god. Well, I mean, I don't even know what to do with you, but you know, I'm going to give you a big joke book.

We're running out of them here tonight, but it's okay.

Waco, give us a little space, all right, you guys are in for a special treat. This next comedian is one of the top young rising door people here at the comedy Mothership.

An absolute sensation. You're going to love the comedy stylings of Ryer Cameraman, Everybody Ryer Cameraman here Live on Kill Tony.

Here we go.

A true sensation. Make some noise. This is a minute for Ryer cameraman, everybody.

I've been going to the gas station to mingle.

I tell them, don't tell anybody you're scared of them and we'll get a vitamin water on the way home.

Orange Well, if they don't have orange, I can get yellow, but if they don't have yellow, maybe red.

Um, thank you. The woman at the store is really kind. She asked me what my pronouns were so that she didn't offend me. And I got really scared. And I said, he, which is not true.

So now, for the past two and a half months, I've been pretending to be a man only at the gas station.

I say it all the time. I think some of the door people here at the Mothership are funnier than a lot of the people on a lot of the lineups all around the country. Right now, they're really the great Adam Egan, Carrie Mitchell, not at the Hollywood Improv. It's inside, it's inside.

They fucking, they pick them here. Adam has tons of people to go through, and Ryer is an instant legend. Have you been on this show before? you have, right about a year ago?

Like, a little over a year ago and we had a fantastic time. It was fun. I thought you were Jim Carrey the entire time. I'm not.

Absolutely so, Ryer, tell us about your life. What are your actual pronouns? I'm a woman. Yeah, you just go straight up, woman.

Well, I mean, I would love to be a man, but I'm not so I just, you know, I'll just be a woman, right? You just take what you can. I'm not going to pretend to be something else.

I love it, right, only with your barber. Do you say I'm a man?

Tell us more about yourself, Ryer, Tell us what we don't know about you. Well, I'm 22, I live in Austin now that's been found.

I used to be a preschool teacher. That was crazy. That seems like a weird job for you. Yeah, it was really odd. Kids didn't know what to think of me.

I think I was just, I'm better with kids because they have no like perspective, you know what I mean, so I'm not weird to kids, right? You're cool to kids.

Oh yeah, kids think I'm great, they think I'm so normal, which is probably indicative of an issue.

What's not normal about you? What would you say? You know you better than anybody? I mean, we can only see what's on the surface, which seems fucking wild. But tell us what you know about you that we don't know.

I have severe social anxiety, I worry that everybody thinks I'm retarded. I thought you thought I was retarded. I love you. I've always loved you.

And I've always thought like, I feel like she thinks that I think she's retarded, but I've always loved you. I always make a real point. I'm like, Hi, Ryer, like, if I'm walking by and stuff and you're always like, hello.

I know, but.

I see it, it happens all the time in these hallways. You'd be shocked. I'm like, Hi, Ryer, I'm like, overly nice because I don't want those types of people mad at me.

I go out of my way with the special ones, social anxiety people, that is.

No, we all do, we all handle it different ways. You're the first person on tonight's show not blasted on mushrooms, so I mean, you might be surprised now.

You take medicine for that? Yeah, I take a lot of antidepressants. I'm on two SSRis, which my pharmacist says is not safe. Right, right. Almost anybody in the room would say, that's not safe.

People that barely know it.

Why two? Well, so I recently started having these really bad panic attacks, so I got on Zoloft to help with the panic attacks. I'm also on Welbutrin, I get it.

That's our late great friend Brody Stevens, who they also doused with medicine, and that led him to hanging himself. He was on Welbutrin, that was one of his very famous lines. Do you have a Welbutrin one? It is somewhere, right?

We have an entire Brody soundboard because he's dead now, everybody. He was also hilarious and had a anyway. It doesn't matter. It's kind of depressing, really, leaving us hanging like Brody Stevens did Red Band.

Anyway, let's talk about it. These panic attacks. I'm a huge fan of the sopranos, and panic attacks run in my very Italian family. I'm interested to know, Can you describe what happens during your panic attacks to these people? I forget how to breathe, it's really scary.

I'll forget how to breathe, and then I'll just start.

Everything kind of shuts off and I can't sleep and I can't walk. I called the ambulance for one, like, a month ago, yeah, that's what happens, you're positive that you're dying.

I used to do it, I used to get panic attacks and I would go to the ER. They actually get mad at you, you're not dying, they get pissed off.

They're like, Oh no, they do. they don't want you there. I'm having a heart attack. They're like, you should be, but you're not, they do.

They do hate that. Have you had this happen to you? You've shown up to the hospital and they're like, nothing is wrong with you. I thought I was having a stroke, I was like, I think I'm having a stroke.

My limbs went numb. She's like, it's not even close to a stroke, which is crazy to say. How do you even measure it like that? she said. It's not even close. Yeah, because they're looking at blood work in your heartbeat and everything.

I was like, That's so mean, yeah.

It's so real. When you have one, you think you're convinced you're having a real stroke. And then these cunts at the ER.

It's true also, the people close to you are denying you as well because they know that you have panic attacks. They're like, Reier, nothing's happening, you're like, You don't fucking know I'm going to die in your arms.

Then you start worrying because one day it will be a stroke, right?

I didn't think about that until now, sorry.

I love it amazing. When's the last time you had one of these panic attacks? Like last week, I'm on Xanax.

I get them really bad. You just keep naming medicines. It is incredible because I went to the ER, I take Lamictal.

That's Brody talking about another medicine that he used to take Xanax, Zoloft and welbutrin.

I have one more for antidepressants. I get really, really sad, sometimes in a really funny way.

I just want to die so bad. I take these antidepressants, I've been to a lot of therapies. You seem like one of the riskier people here. A lot of stand-up comedians kill themselves, never the ones we want.

And that would be terrible if you were one of the ones that would be terrible. Your shit is so funny. It reminds me of Maria Bamford, which is the best comp. I love Maria so much.

She's the best, she's so funny, she's a genius.

Please do whatever you have to do to feel good because you're truly amazing. Thank you so much. We want you to perform for us for many, many years. Yes, absolutely, and you're a huge part of the comedy mothership family that we have here.

And everybody loves you here. No one thinks you're retarded. We all think you're really funny and charismatic. So you have to remember that all the time, even when you think you're having a stroke. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday.

Whoa, look at that, walk it in, booked for a gig?

Instant depression activated after your spot on Thursday. I'm really excited about it. I didn't mean to make it seem like that. The ceilings are so high there you can't hang yourself at the sunsets.

You bought a club with high ceilings, higher ceilings here, dude, I don't know what you're talking about, but it's higher ceilings. Ryer, we fucking love you.

Everybody loves you Ryer cameraman, everybody, what a magical little show. This is all different shapes and sizes, and she's and they's and fucking everything.

And that's just Ryer, all right, pulled another name out of the bucket. We know this young man, he's a very, very solid local comedian.

It's been a while since he's been on. Here's the new minute from Philip Garcia. Everybody, I like the music tonight. You guys are fucking jamming. How about a hand for the band?